Confidence Classic: How to Go Bigger and Stop Holding Yourself Back with Heather!

25:15Heather Monahan:Give yourself the title. You don't need anyone to give you the permission. Give yourself the permission. And I took the permission to shine a light on my shame and basically say, yeah, I'm really disappointed and get it. However, I know that I will deliver. I know that I am worthy. And while it was nice having someone else tell me and anoint me and grant me the title, I'm going to give it to myself. I'm going to let those people know by the end of this upcoming year, oof, we fell asleep on that woman and we should not have, right? I will bring my A game and my heat everywhere tenfold this year.

25:49Heather Monahan:So I turn it into an opportunity to get better. Again, doesn't mean I didn't feel really low that morning, but time heals all things, you know, here we are a week later, and I feel fine about it. Like I've, I've worked through it. I'm grateful I leveraged it in my talks, my audiences loved that I shared that, right, because it was a painful, hurtful moment for me, I could have let it really take me down on some levels. But instead, I used it as motivation to connect with my audiences show that I felt bad about something and how I could turn it into potentially something good. So I truly believe, always, Claim your shame because if you don't, that shame is going to claim you.

26:31Heather Monahan:And that's a losing battle when you let your shame claim you. Get rid of guilt. Get rid of shame. Get that stuff out of your way. Clear that deck so you can start focusing on what is good in your life. You can bring more good into your life and you can step into your power. Meet a different guest each week.

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29:56Heather Monahan:Experiences will vary. Heather Monahan and the Creating Confidence podcast, Collectively Media Partner, are not clients of Wealthfront. The media partner receives cash compensation from Wealthfront Brokerage for this paid endorsement placed in their podcast creating a conflict of interest. More details available via the referral link. The direct deposit plus investing program from Wellfront Advisors LLC and Wellfront Brokerage LLC provides eligible clients a 0.25 % APY increase above the base APY on eligible cash account balances up to an overall boosted rate of 4.3 % for a limited time when including the three-month 0.75 % APY boost for new clients.

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31:33Heather Monahan:Investing involves risk, including the possible loss of principal. Securities investments are not bank deposits, bank guarantee, or FDIC insured and may lose value. Investment advisory services are provided by Wealthfront Advisors, LLC, and SEC registered investment advisor. They say that every day your business is late to AI, you fall two days behind. But how do you keep up? The competition is only moving faster. Fortunately, there's NetSuite next. Next, you probably know NetSuite, the AI-powered business management suite that securely connects all of your data. It's a unified suite that brings your financials, inventory, commerce, HR, and CRM into a single source of truth, trusted by over 43 ,000 customers.

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33:10I ask you to try to find your passion.

33:14Heather Monahan:Another thing that I really wanted to share from this past week that it was bothering me until I went to church today and there was a great message that I received that really helped me. Here it is. So a good friend of mine who I adore, I love this guy. He's just an incredible human being, great friend, just wonderful person. I think the world of him. He has been playing too small in my opinion and I'm completely right on this. He's been playing too small. He has way too much to give the world, way too much greatness inside of him but something within him makes him dial it back down occasionally.

33:52Heather Monahan:He calls it, you know, being humble or whatever. I just call it playing small. I can't stand it. It makes me nuts because here's the thing. And I mean this for you too. You don't need permission to go bigger. You don't need, the world is a very dark place. We all know that. I mean, there's this looming recession, there's war, there's all the negativity with politics. It's not bright and beautiful. And if you are a bright and beautiful, good person, amplify your light, right? Start that domino effect, start that chain effect and do it in a big, meaningful way. God did not put any of us on this earth to be lukewarm, right?

34:31Heather Monahan:We are here to be original and to amplify our voices and to do good and to connect with others and to encourage. And if you have that opportunity and gift within you, amplify it. And this man has it in spades. And so I get very frustrated with him that he's not amplifying, that he's not turning his light up that he's not going for more. He's frankly playing too small. So we did a, a call with his team and him. And it was really hard on him in front of his team, which, you know, I do things like this. And I've always done things like this from a leadership perspective to rattle people, because I believe if you soft shoe people too much, they're not going to be motivated to get better.

35:16Heather Monahan:They're not going to, you know, knock their head a little bit and say, I needed that. Okay, let me wake back up from this and try something different. But if I soft shoe it and I'm too, you know, gentle and nothing's going to change. So some people can handle that. Some people can't. And I get it. It's very, I'm not always the easiest person to work with because of that reason. I can be tough on people I care about, especially when I care a lot about somebody, I can be really tough on them because I expect so much more. And I see so much greatness within them. So think about that the next time someone's tough on you, they might be doing it because they care so deeply about you and see so much greatness within you.

35:51Heather Monahan:Okay, so again, I did this call, I was really, really tough on him. And it had been bothering me all week, because he's such a kind and wonderful person. But I knew I've got to just let it sit with him. And when you know, I can't, if I go running back and apologize or say, you know, I shouldn't have been so tough on you, bro, I basically waste all what I did, right, that half an hour, hour, whatever it was, I waste that, because I just pull the plug on it. So I say to myself, this is how I was coaching myself this week. I'm not going and apologizing to him. I'm not going and saying, how are you doing?

36:25Heather Monahan:I was really hard on you. I'm letting him sit with it. He's got to sit with it, right? He'll come to me when he's ready. And if he's upset, I'll explain to him, you know, why I did what I did and how, you know, I care about him and think so highly of him. Okay, so I was in church today and our pastor started explaining, I'm going to read just a note that I took. Okay, he said, how about in life, when we get constructive criticism for people, we respond like this. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for correcting me. And thank you for making me better. And he explained that he said, I know it's not always easy to take constructive criticism.

37:08Heather Monahan:I know it's not always easy to be understanding and to hear without anger or emotion or judgment. He said, but why don't we instead say thank you for loving me, thank you for correcting me, and thank you for making me better? Why not try? And he went on this whole topic around it's so easy for all of us to judge somebody else and judge their actions when what we're judging in ourself is our intent. We never know what the intent is in somebody else. Right. So to stop judging people's actions and comparing it to our intentions, because we're always going to look so much better and instead be willing to receive.

37:49Heather Monahan:And again, the key differentiator here is it's constructive criticism, constructive feedback. It's somebody who's not only your cheerleader, but your champion. And I want to differentiate on that in that we all need cheerleaders. You know, my book, Overcome Your Villains. I am all about firing the negative people in your life all day long. Don't let them take up space in your life. Bye-bye. Get them out of here. However, it's amazing to have cheerleaders, and we all need them. And I have mine on speed dial that, I mean, my one girlfriend, Samantha, is without a doubt my number one cheerleader.

38:23Heather Monahan:Well, there's a couple of them, but she's definitely one of them. And when I need words of encouragement, love, and support, I'm speed dialing her, and she just gives it to me tenfold. That's what she always, she's amazing at it. However, she's not going to be the one that's going to get me to leap and go do something massively big and scary, right? My champions will do that. The ones that say, I'm not letting you get out of this that easy, kid. You can do bigger. You can go for more. You can push yourself. I've seen you through it. And you know what? I'm going to hold you accountable to it, which is really what I did to my friend this week, right?

38:56Heather Monahan:I was his, I wasn't his cheerleader so much this week. I was his champion, which means I'm pushing him to really go for more. So make sure you have both of those people in your corner, your cheerleaders for the day you need someone picking you up and your champions for pushing you into what you know you really need because you are destined for more. And now is not the time to give up on you or on the world. Okay, so that was my message. That was one of my messages from church day. Okay, then one of my talks that I gave this week, I got a DM from someone right after. And usually when I receive these, I think it's super important to get back to people.

39:34Heather Monahan:So I want to share with you this question that I got, and then and offer some feedback. Okay, I just saw your speech. You're an amazing speaker. Thank you. I have a quick question. I work for a male supervisor. And he always pings me through different chats, just pings, like instead of, you know, using email or whatever. I do a lot of volunteering tasks so the team can, you know, get everything done. I am in a certain role. I'm not in a support role. So she's saying basically, she's being treated like an assistant or an admin, but that's not her role. She has a very clearly defined role, which is something very different than this.

40:10Heather Monahan:So basically, her supervisor is leaning on her, not only for her full time job, but adding admin type assistant duties. Listen, PS, people will treat you the way you teach them to. And this has happened to me before. I used to be the go-to person to dump everything on when I was in corporate America because I would allow it. I'd welcome it. I'd be like, oh, heck yeah, I can get that done. Of course I will. Yes, yes, yes was always my answer. Wrong answer. Okay. So she goes on to say it's somewhat demeaning, but he doesn't have an admin currently. So I get it. He needs some help. but why me? You know, he doesn't ask anyone else to take on this work, just me.

40:51Heather Monahan:And the minute he sees me at my desk, he just starts pinging me, asking for her to do these things. How would you approach this? Okay. So number one, you are teaching people how to treat you own it, take responsibility for it. Okay. So number that's number one. Number two, have a direct conversation with somebody. So often people don't even know what they're doing because they're moving 900 miles an hour. They have, maybe they have a sick child at home. Maybe they're going through divorce. I don't know what's going on in their life, right? They've got their life going on. That's what's running through their head 900 miles an hour.

41:24Heather Monahan:And they just might not even be cognizant or aware that they're leaning on you like this. So that's on you to show up in a very cool and calm way and respond and ask for what you need, right? So in a situation like that, if I was in this woman situation, I would ask for a meeting, right? I wouldn't just ping, I would send an email and say, hey, it'd be great if you and I could, I'd like to get 30 minutes of your time this week. I need your help with something. Can you and I schedule an in-person one-on-one meeting, right? I'd ask for what I need. I'd get the meeting. I would sit in front of that person and I would ask for feedback on, you know, the job that I do, right?

42:05Heather Monahan:I'd come from a very professional standpoint. and then I would say you know I I appreciate your feedback I I'm grateful to hear that this this or this is going well however I need your help with something my role and duties are x like whatever you know whatever it is and and this is essentially what I understood my role to be when I joined your team is that correct yes that's correct okay all right so like find that common ground that we do agree on what my role is, what my job is, and how I'm supposed to be evaluated, and what I'm supposed to get done. I try to help out whenever I can. However, I am, you know, somewhat overwhelmed with all of the duties I have now that you've been asking me to do.

42:47Heather Monahan:And I itemize them A, B, C, and D, right? Because sometimes people don't even know that they're doing it. So I would say, you know, you've been asking me to do these tasks, which when I have free time, I'm happy to help anybody in any way I can. I'm a team player. However, I don't have the free time right now. I'm at capacity with my current role, current responsibilities, can you and I brainstorm another person on the team that might be able to make this happen or how we can potentially, you know, hand this off to somebody else? Or do you think that it makes sense to hire for a position for someone to come on?

43:23Heather Monahan:Because it seems like a lot of us need the support, myself included, wanted to brainstorm some solutions with you today, right? So I would ask for their help, either help me understand whose job this is, or can you help me, you know, figure out who we can delegate this to, you know, just asking for guidance and help as a supervisor, as a leader, it doesn't need to be combative. Now, let's say that person comes back and says, well, you know, we don't have the budget to hire right now. You know, we don't have a personal team that can do it. I so appreciate you doing it. Please just keep doing it.

43:54Heather Monahan:Then you've got to reiterate, I don't have the bandwidth or capacity to do that. And I know that I'm here to do my my role. What other options can can we brainstorm or come up? Like, I would just keep going back to. No, that's not going to happen. Right. You don't have to apologize for it. You just need to keep asking for help and keep asking for solutions. And at the end of the day, if it is an issue with the supervisor, then you're going to have to, you know, potentially go to HR or something else, because you have a clearly defined role, you are hired in a certain position, if this, you know, supervisor is mandating you do things that, you know, you were not hired for, at some point, you're going to have to go over that person's head, if they will not be part of the solution with you.

44:39Heather Monahan:And I'm hopeful that the person would be that they probably just didn't even know they were doing it. That's, I would assume 90 % of people would be, oh, yeah, you're right. Okay, no, that isn't fair. No, thank you for bringing this to my attention. But there are going to be some villains out there that are just saying, no, you either get this done or I don't want you on my team. Well, then that's not the person you should be working for. You need to work for someone that is not only a cheerleader, but also a champion for you. Someone who wants to stretch you to grow, but also encourage you and not treat you differently than everybody else on the team.

45:10Heather Monahan:But it's up to you to stand up for yourself and ask for what you need in a very calm fashion. Practice before you go in if you're nervous. Channel a different person. You know, Beyonce channels her inner Sasha Fierce when she takes the stage. Eminem channels a different persona when he takes the stage. People do what they need to do in stressful, scary moments to get themselves over that hump. Channel me if you need to channel somebody, right? Channel somebody, your inner H to the M. Whatever you need to do to get yourself over that hump, you've got to start showing up for you. When I have those big, difficult moments, I wear my power color.

45:46Heather Monahan:I put my favorite perfume on. I do my hair. Like for me, that's something that makes me feel confident. I write notes on the bottom of my shoe. I can and I will. I practice things over and over again ad nauseum. I jot things down in writing because I'm 90 % more likely to remember them if I write them. I do the work before I go in for a difficult conversation. So it goes much better than I anticipate. Now she went on to say, hey, I'd also like to add with volunteering, this director always applauds a younger guy and they invest time in training him. I feel as if I'm invisible and I do the same work.

46:20Heather Monahan:How do you change this? Okay, so again, you are teaching people how to treat you. So the next time, okay, deal with one problem at a time and they're somewhat connected and I understand that, but take that first one on first. That's the bigger issue. Then once you've done that, or even at the latter part of that conversation, you could add on, I'm really interested in getting trained and growing and getting to that next level. What does training look like with you? And how can we start incorporating that into our schedule moving forward? That could be that simple. Or the next time you see that supervisor training that other person, jump up, raise your hand and say, hey, is there any way that I could get in on this conversation?

47:01Heather Monahan:I would love to learn to. I would so appreciate it. ask for what you need, ask for what you want, right? We just assume people know everything that we want and that we can sit silently and suffer and someone's gonna come running over and tell us, oh, let me figure that out for you. And I bet you're upset. No one's gonna know unless we raise our hand and let it be known. And even then we might have to ask multiple times. People are busy, people are focused on themselves and people gravitate towards people that they know, like, and trust, right? It's just a fact of life. it might not be this negative intent.

47:36Heather Monahan:Now, there are situations where it could be. You could be getting treated differently because you're a woman. That means you need to get off that person's team, right? That means you need to go to somebody else and find a different space for yourself. Might be at that same company, it might not, I don't know. But at least go in with the attitude first that, oh, you know what? I bet this person doesn't know they're doing it. I haven't raised my hand and let them know. So that's what I'm gonna do today, right? That's the first best thing. treat other people golden rule the way you'd want to be treated, right?

48:05Heather Monahan:Maybe you're the supervisor and someone, you know, so this, gosh, that person's never helping me out. And they're always dishing things off on me, but you didn't know, wouldn't you rather have them raise the hand and say, Hey, did you know this is going on? Of course you would. Right. And it was funny at one of my talks this week, we were doing a live Q and a, and someone said, we were talking about my book, overcome your villains. And someone said, Hey, Heather, were you when you were in corporate America? Were you ever somebody's villain? And I said, of course, I was, I'm sure, you know, I'm sure right now, I'm probably the villain of that woman that fired me.

48:43Heather Monahan:I would imagine she probably thinks I'm a villain, right? Again, I go back to villains don't have to be bad people. They just might not be helpful in your world at that point in time, right? They might not be adding big value to you. So I gave the example of this. I never, you never know what other people are, you know, thinking or saying necessarily, because not everyone's going to raise their hand and speak up. But the company that I used to work for did not have a maternity policy. And I am not big into when you're a leader, if you're not happy with policy within the company, and you fight to change it and can't get it changed, at the end of the day, you still have to own it because you work for that company.

49:24Heather Monahan:You can't come to the team and say, well, this is what the company policy is. I totally disagree with it. It's BS. They're awful people. I fought them, but you can't, you're going to lose the trust that organization. You can't do that. Whether you agree or disagree, you have to, in a factual manner, in the best way possible, lay out what the situations are. So I never blamed anyone when I would, when someone would get pregnant and they'd come to me and I'd say, well, you can take family leave act, which stinks, but I wouldn't say it stinks. I would say, you can, here's your options. And I would leave it at that very factual.

49:58Heather Monahan:It would not get emotional and I would not defend or, you know, apologize for it. It just is what it is. It was policy. They could also go speak to HR or the GC or whoever. Right. And I would give, I'd open that door and extend that opportunity to them. Well, wouldn't you know, okay, I had a baby, obviously. I did not get maternity leave. 10 days after I gave birth, I had a C-section. My old CEO had me on a plane going to deliver a keynote for him. It was a disaster, but I went. So here's the thing. Unbeknownst to me, a woman that had worked for me for years, who I loved, she was an amazing talent, incredible salesperson.

50:35Heather Monahan:She ends up, she gets pregnant. She ends up resigning. I don't see her again. And years later, I had told the story of how I gave a speech 10 days after getting my C-section and flying to North Carolina to give the speech for my old boss. And I got a DM from her and it said, oh my gosh, I just saw what you shared on social media and I'm mortified. I've hated you, Heather, for years. And it went on to say, I always assumed you created the policy that women should not get maternity leave. What? She said, because you never told us that somebody else had. So I just thought you did. And I blamed you because I didn't want to, you know, leave working for you and blah, blah, blah.

51:22Heather Monahan:And I felt really bad about it, whatever it was. So bottom line is I had been this woman's villain for years, unbeknownst to me for something that I hadn't done. I was a messenger on, I hadn't created it. And it took her seeing, you know, what had happened with my pregnancy and birth of my son and the challenges I went through for her to understand. I really hadn't been her villain. So it just all goes back to communication and just this understanding that the better that we can communicate, the better we can show up as a powerful version of ourselves. The more we can create boundaries, the more we can say no when things aren't the right fit and know our value and worth that if this isn't the right place for me, if I'm not being treated correctly, there's plenty of other places I can go and other things I can do.

52:06Heather Monahan:You know, lead with that confidence in yourself and watch things unfold in such a better way for you. So I hope that feedback helped. I hope that there was some value in the show today that you can take into your week this week. I hope that you feel encouraged and you are taken on this week knowing you are gonna go bigger. You are made for more and you got this. So until next week, keep creating your confidence. Please, if you liked this episode, Share, rate, review, leave me a review. I love reviews. And please share it on social media. Nobody succeeds in this world alone. And that includes me.

52:49Heather Monahan:Until next week, keep creating your confidence. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're going to hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably, something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. I'm on this journey with me.