Confidence Classic: Lead With Empathy, Strength & Purpose with Dalia Feldheim

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0:32Don't wait for a problem to remind you you're uncovered. Policies start as low as$29 a month. Get protected in minutes at nextinsurance.com. That's N-E-X-T insurance.com. There's no such thing as a masculine brain or a feminine brain. We all have masculine leadership traits and feminine leadership traits. The issue is that the business world has collapsed into wounded masculine power over people versus power with people. So we feel like we either need to behave like that or we sink into our wounded feminine being defensive, etc. And I think what I'm provoking is for all leaders to connect to those more historically feminine traits like empathy, intuition, teamwork, in order to balance out the world and to humanize the workplace.

1:22Come on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close up. Tell me, have you been enjoying these new bonus confidence classics episodes we've been dropping on you every week? We've literally hundreds of episodes for you to listen to. So these bonuses are a great way to help you find the ones you may have already missed. I hope you love this one as much as I do. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Get ready for some excitement. Today, we've got Dahlia Feldheim, founder of Flow Leadership Consultancy.

2:00She's drawing on her own extensive corporate leadership experience and passion for championing others to enable organizations to promote an authentic, happy, and psychologically safe working culture. Imagine that. Before founding Flow Leadership, Dahlia spent over two decades as a C-suite global marketing exec at Procter & Gamble, where she led work on some of the world's most iconic ad campaigns. Two of them being Tampax, Mother Nature, and the iconic Always Like a Girl, ranked Forbes' most influential campaign of the decade. That's incredible. Dahlia holds an executive master's degree in consulting and coaching for change from INSEAD Business School, organizational psychology, along with a happiness facilitator diploma from the Happiness Studies Academy in partnership with Miami University.

2:53She's on a mission to share her insights and learning success and struggles to help shape the new generation of leaders. She teaches the science of happiness and resilience. And she's an adjunct professor. She's still much more. Dahlia, thank you so much for being here today. Thank you so much for having me. I'm super, super happy being here. Thank you. Oh, it's so exciting. Oh my gosh. So, you know, the work that you're doing as we were talking about offline, very similar. Our backgrounds are similar and different, but listen, I don't have some of these iconic corporate America moments like you do.

3:26I want to dig into just from a curiosity perspective. I mean, the like a girl, I mean, where did this all come from? What was that like being involved in this? It sounds to me so massive. So I started my career at Procter & Gamble. And very early on, I kind of started on Femke, Feminine Care, so pads, tampons. And I'll tell you, I think it was six months into the role that I realized I'm not in the business of selling pads. I'm in the business of women empowerment. And, you know, it was really a magical moment. I can tell you a little bit about it I mean we were in India and we were doing in-home visits and I walk in to talk with the mom and the daughter and the daughter's sitting on the floor the mom comes in with drinks and then she kind of offers the daughter on the floor and like metal plates and throughout the whole interview she was sitting on the floor aunts and uncles came in and I for a moment I noticed this sad look on her face and you know when we went out I'm like what was that all about and my agency told me well she's on her period and I'm like So what?

4:31And she said, well, in India, we have all this myths about periods. We believe women are impure, so they're not allowed to sit with us or go into the kitchen or go to prayer areas. And in most cases, they sit or sleep on the floor. And yeah, you're going like that. And I kind of how common is that? And she said, whoa, you know, it's quite common. And then she kind of jokingly said, you know, we even believe a woman on a period, if she touches pickles, she'll make them go sour. and I can tell you Heather that night I couldn't sleep I just had the girl's sad look on the face and I I went to the agency the next morning I'm like I couldn't sleep she said yeah me too I'm like we need to do something about it right we need to use the brand voice to make an impact you know to make a difference so basically we you know I said I'm a foreigner and this is cultural so I'll leave it with you and we worked through you know 12 months and then we came out with a campaign called I Dared, I Touched the Pickle.

5:29So it was like using humor to bring about the issue that, you know, became the most viral out of the year in India in 2014. You know, Ted talks about it, et cetera. And that was the moment, you know, and I'm very proud of a lot of things, but that was the moment that, wow, you know, we can make a big difference. And then a year later, we decided to do the same on a global level and we changed the brief. And it's actually my president who said, you know, she was telling the story of how her daughter was about to play basketball. And she said, Mom, I can't. I'm on my period. And she says, you go out there and you play like a girl.

6:03And the agency loved it so much. And they created the iconic Always Like a Girl. And I always say, I can't take credit for it because it's the agency who created it. I guess, you know, our brief inspired that. But when I saw it, I was like, wow, this is what I've been working for, for 15 years. And the campaign went on to, you know, change lives and really reclaim that phrase like a girl to mean be proud to be who you are, right? Because, you know, when we ask a young girl what it means to run like a girl, she says, what do you mean? It means run as fast as you can. And suddenly in socialization, it becomes an insult.

6:36So, you know, that's what we wanted to do. We wanted to reclaim that phrase. And that's what I'm trying to do now because two decades in the corporate world, I believe it's time to reclaim the phrase like a girl once more in the world of leadership. So, you know, I'm trying to use all my learnings from the corporate world and, you know, know, bring them back into kind of helping men and women, you know, lead from the heart. That's the essence of it. Brands have the power with their messaging, with their ad campaigns to have such a massive impact on future generations, existing generations. And I think so often people don't really stop to think about that because we're thinking of, like you said, selling pads, selling tampons.

7:16What are the numbers? What's the net revenue? You know, we fixate so much on the job at hand and the goal that we lose sight of that bigger moment. And for you, the thing I'm learning through being there, like doing the work, getting into the homes, like going back to the grassroots is what really triggered and opened up your eyes to that potential. Is that right? Yeah, I think, you know, and I do a lot of find your purpose workshop. That's, you know, I do a lot of leadership development in companies. And the one I love the most is the find your purpose. I go really deep into their own stories to find what they're passionate about and how they can create this magic links between their strengths, their passion areas, and then what the world needs.

7:57And you will be surprised. And it's not just brands. It's any job that you're doing. You know, it's not a job if you bring your heart into the work. So the first dimension of leading like a girl is leading with purpose, you know, which is finding what you're good at, what you're passionate about and how you can bring it to life and aid what the world needs. And you'll be surprised. I mean, CEOs tell me, oh, I'm scared they will do and they will leave and live in the Himalayas. And I tell them, no, I mean, there's a lot that can be done within these big companies, right, to bring out. And it unleashes so much passion that, you know, that's when you create really magic.

8:35You take your strengths from good to great. So I'm a huge, huge believer. And that's my first chapter actually in the book is leading with purpose. And so how do you enable people or how can you advise people listening to unleash their passion? So it's a process. I mean, you can go through on your own. I actually put the whole process. I tried for the book to be very practical because I'm a very practical person. So I combine three things. I combine storytelling because once a marketeer, always a marketeer. Right. And I feel when you speak from the heart, you know, you reach the heart. Right. So storytelling is a big deal and that makes everything relevant.

9:10And then the second dimension is science. And I use the science of positive psychology. I'll get to that in a bit. But when I decided to leave the marketing corporate world, I actually went to study and I studied the positive psychology and organizational psychology. And when I studied positive psychology, I kind of realized, wow, everything I believed about leadership is grounded in research. So when I go to companies today and I talk about happiness in the workplace or purpose, everything is grounded in research happier people are more productive people that have a purpose have stronger resilience have stronger relationships have etc so that's key so there's storytelling there's the science element and I bring a lot of research and kind of scientific facts and then each chapter has a practical part for it and you know the chapter around finding your purpose has a whole journey and the journey I believe you know and it's also kind of I'm building on Simon Sinek and a lot of work that I've done in INSEAD, but your purpose comes from your heritage story, your ups and downs.

10:09And when you analyze your own life, the ups and downs in your life, you actually find a red thread. And that red thread is kind of your hint towards. So I always knew that I was about people empowerment. I happened to be a marketing director, but it was all about people empowerment, whether in the campaigns I did or the teams I built etc and that's why I 17 years in PNG I thrived because I was completely on purpose it was the last three years when my career reached the lowest point when I wasn't allowed to bring to life my strengths that's when I kind of shrunk and that's where I talk a little bit about the importance of you know how do you deal with a challenging situation meet a different guest each week

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13:59Let's get into that because you know I love that story because I live that story too. So I want to dig into yours. I want to get to that tough moment. So 17 years after working for P &G, I left and I took a role as CMO, Chief Marketing Officer for Asia. Great company. I love the CEO. I love the global CMO. I thought I landed my dream job, right? One week into the job, or maybe one month into the job, I got a new boss who was the local CEO. and Heather, it took me a week to realize that him and I were fire and water, right? So I'm all about creativity and people and he was all about numbers and scorecard and ROI.

14:37And most days the culture felt like ROI or you die. He told me once, I'm not going to tell you what you're good at. It's a waste of time. I'm only going to focus on what you need to fix. Anyone who comes to a marketing would appreciate this. But then he says to me, Dalia, there's no art in marketing. It's only science. You just didn't get it yet, right? so you see the face I felt like it was a dagger right into the heart but anyway him and I were like a match made in hell but uh one day you know I think it was like a few months into the role I got summoned into his office okay now I'm a c-suite woman I was the only c-suite on his team and he starts giving me feedback and I love feedback okay in P &G we used to call it tough love feedback I am very direct I love you to say don't sugarcoat tell me exactly how it is but tough love, it needs to come from a position of care, right?

15:28That day there was no love. It was just really humiliating, denigrating and I'm holding it in. I'm a C-suite woman, but then he starts insulting my team, like really very personal. You know, I was getting so frustrated, right? Because it was so unfair. And when I get frustrated, I tear. He saw the tear in my eye and he smiled at me and he gave me a box of pills. And I had this warm, fuzzy feeling for a moment but then I lifted my eyes and I saw something weird in his smile and he turned around that tissue box and I couldn't believe my eyes. On the other side of that tissue box was a handmade sticker he prepared in advance, which read Dahlia's tissue box.

16:12I can't even believe this is a true story. This is how crazy this is. It's crazy. I reacted like that. I was like, are you kidding me? with a little self, you know, esteem I had left. And he just sat back and he's like, Dahlia, stop being so emotional. It's just boy banter. I know you have a sense of humor and I can tell you the interesting thing, right? So I had this amazing career, 17 years. I was one rated, top rated the whole time. And suddenly, you know, I realized why, you know, looking back, all my strengths were not only not appreciated, but they were denigrated. I was too good with my people, right?

16:50I was too creative, which is not process enough. In one stage, even kind of there, we got feedback that were too negative as a leadership team. And I raised my hand and I said, Hey, I'm studying positive psychology. I'm happy to do some programs. And he's like, Oh, that won't be needed. Miss Kumbaya. This man is the worst man ever. It's like a character of a bad leader. I can tell you, I learned so much from what not to do. And I never wish this on anyone because seriously, Heather, from a super confident person, I started losing my mojo. I was literally, you know, the first year I still tried to kind of fight and give feedback.

17:30And of course I told HR and they just kind of, you know, didn't do much, not enough about it. I mean, they did in the end, but it was too slow. Second year, I kind of flight, I tried to avoid, I brought kind of data scientists to give him all he needed, right? But I realized at the end of that year, I literally fell physically sick. I realized I left my heart and my aunt at the doorway. So beginning of year three, what happened, what saved me in a way, because I was determined not to leave. I'm a fighter. I was a gymnast. I'm like, I'm not going to quit. You know, I was the main breadwinner at that time.

18:03So I'm like, he should quit. I'm not going to quit. I love what I was doing. So I was determined to stay, right? Third year, what happened is I went to a P &G alumni, so my previous company. And when I walked in, that was the wake up call. I planked myself in the chair and I said, whoa, you know, this is what culture should look like. I've been a frog in boiling water because you know how it goes. And I spoke sometimes with even domestic violence. It was very similar. I kept on thinking I can change. And I learned you can't change someone that doesn't want to change. Right. So, you know, at the beginning of that third year, I realized, whoa, I need to leave this toxic environment, but not before I deliver everything I committed because because I committed to the CEO and I always deliver on my commitment.

18:45So I said, okay, I'm going to stay until the end of the year and I'm going to go back to my strengths. I don't care if he likes them or doesn't like them. So my strengths is people and creativity. And I said, I'm going to bring creativity even to a category. It was washing machines in that sense. And together with the team, we created a campaign that was very data-driven, but also very creative. And that won an Effie Award. The first time this brand won an Effie award for business results and creativity. And that's when I realized, you know, I found back my mojo and it was time to move on. And I can tell you, you know, I always say if it happened to me, it can happen to anyone, you know, because I used to be head of the Women's Network for P &G and not a pushover.

19:27I kind of stand up, but the more resilient I became, the more toxic he became. And I think, you know, I ended up doing my research on it. So I, when I studied in INSEAD, I did the research, his message, and I wanted to understand, can you coach yourself out of a toxic environment? That was my research question. And my answer was yes and no. So yes, you can build resilience. And the dare to lead like a girl is about my resilience model. Okay. I call it 5P. I talked about purpose. There's all around perspective or perseverance. There's physical power, people, and positivity. So that's the model.

20:06However, that works for a general hardship or general company. I concluded that when you work for a toxic environment, there really is only one strategy, and that is zero tolerance. Zero. Right? You with your two pages, you know, that's the zero tolerance. Zero. I was too empathetic. I kept on thinking I can change instead of saying, I'm sorry, you won't talk to me like that. I'm going to leave now and come back when you're ready to talk to me. Or now I'm not leaving, right? So, you know, this is what I work today with women. Sometimes we are, you know, dare to lead like a girl is being in empathy, of course.

20:49But sometimes you need to kind of step into your positive masculine, which is your assertive. You know, Muhammad Ali says, float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, right? So that's kind of one thing that I learned that, yes, you should be bringing empathy into the workplace. It's a huge advantage of women versus men and it's high demand. The world is crashing because of lack of empathy. We see it all around. We see it in research. University students that finish, they did research and found that their empathy level is 40 % lower than university students 30 years ago. it's insane wow that is insane and it's enough to see how teenagers you have a 15 year old i have a 19 and a 18 year old and you know just closing off with a girlfriend over text he never did that but his friend did i told him if you ever do that you you know you have the tough conversation and they and they don't have the tough conversations and they don't have the live conversations and we're seeing that in the workplace and we're losing empathy you know around i don't want to get into, you know, what we're seeing in some of the other dimensions in the US and around the world.

22:00But, you know, when I talk back about the corporate world, you know, the way we've been leading until now is crashing. It's not working. The more masculine command and control, you know, especially when teams are virtual, it's just failing. 85 % of employees are unengaged in the workplace. 20 % are toxic. They hate their work and they're determined to make everyone else, you know, suffer as well. One in four experience work-related anxiety. So we're seeing, you know, the corporate world is question and the reality was, was the great resignation is there. And, you know, the, there was research that just came out to try and understand the great resignation.

22:37And they found, interestingly, they expected, you know, the reasons to be, you know, pay or burnout. And they found the number one driver of the great resignation was toxic environments. so there you go wow not shocking to you and me both of us having been in one before and and i love the way that you describe how it advanced and you thought at first i can change it and then i can survive it but i don't want to give up and i don't want to give up my team i've had all those same thoughts and i'm so glad that you went and researched that concept to ultimately see because when you're a part of something you want to make it better well most people do anyways right you want to find a way.

23:17But at the end of the day, like you said, when someone who is at the senior most leadership position and is calling the shots when they don't want to change it and they want to keep it a toxic environment, that is no place for healthy people. Exactly. And I keep on saying, if it happens to my kids, stay six months. Because I think if I would have left immediately, try to change things. Sometimes I did have challenging bosses in the past. and I was actually, one of them told me, you're the only one that gave me direct feedback. I kind of had a reputation of managing up really well because I'm direct, because I really care, right?

23:55And I heard of one strategy, by the way, you would love it. I heard of one strategy that really worked when a lady came into a toxic boss and she actually dealt with it head on. She said, listen, this is what I hear about you. I don't believe it's true, but that's your equity. And I'm here determined to help you change that. And it worked for her. and the two of them partnered. So I am saying, you know, if the boss is ready to change, right? That can be an amazing experience. So give it a try, but you need to really give it six months maximum because if you're asked to change beyond your values, beyond who you are, and that's what I felt, I was like suffocated.

24:34I, you know, I was asked to leave my heart and my art in the doorway, right? That's wrong. That's when you can't bring your full self to the workplace, you're not in the right place for you. And that's something I hope I realized earlier, but I guess, you know, going through that is why I'm here today, why I wrote the book, why I'm trying to help, you know, other leaders. A lot of it is lack of awareness. A lot of it is skill because we can teach ourselves to become more resilient. We can teach ourselves to be happier. Actually, you know, in the book, I have this whole model and worksheets on each one and then, and it has been proven that you can teach yourself to be happier.

25:16So I think that's an important part of growth, that when it's really toxic, and you are asked to change beyond your value, that is when it's zero tolerance and very fast, you let things go in on, it's okay, you become a frog in boiling water. And when I interviewed for my research, 10 of my, the people I researched out of 15 talked about being a frog in boiling water, the same sentence. So there's something about that, right? You need to be careful. You need to react fast. If it doesn't make you feel comfortable, it's wrong. And that's it. You need to stop it in the bud. Meet a different guest each week.

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