Confidence Classic: Let Go of Fear and Step Into What's Next with Heather!

0:00Heather Monahan:If you want to try Momentus Signature Spec Creatine, head to livemomentus.com and use code CONFIDENCE for up to 35 % off your entire first order. That's livemomentus.com, promo code CONFIDENCE for up to 35 % off. livemomentus.com, promo code CONFIDENCE. If I had needed this product, it is what I would use. For the first time ever, you can try NetSuite Next for free. If your revenues are at least in these seven figures, go to netsuite.ai slash Monaghan. Built for the every industry, ready for every boardroom. Netsuite.ai slash Monaghan. If you're ready to sell smarter, run faster, and stress less right now, you can get up to$200 off Square hardware at square.com slash go slash confidence.

0:53Heather Monahan:That's S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash G-O slash confidence. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. We're teaching people how to treat us. I was teaching people back then that I would just take anything they gave me because I wanted to show that I could do it. But really what I was doing was not respecting myself. So start with respecting yourself. Hold yourself accountable to creating those boundaries and recognize it doesn't have to be a difficult conversation. It just needs to be a direct one. You're communicating what your wants and needs are. And there is nothing wrong about that.

1:29Heather Monahan:Don't apologize for it. Own it. Rock it. Give examples of how you want to be spoken to and move forward with what you deserve. Respect. Because everybody deserves respect. Come on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Tell me, have you been enjoying these new bonus confidence classics episodes we've been dropping on you every week? We've literally hundreds of episodes for you to listen to. So these bonuses are a great way to help you find the ones you may have already missed.

2:05Heather Monahan:I hope you love this one as much as I do. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, so let's start today with a question I received on LinkedIn. My only question is, when you run across someone else who is acting in a way that is disrespectful or disagreeable, but you're trying to be respectful, how do you navigate that? Especially when there's an age gap at play. I often feel that not everyone holds the tools to have the difficult conversation in the right way, so we start to have resentment. Or things are not said, or even worse, gossip starts. And once that gets going, it's hard to stop.

2:43Heather Monahan:Silence is worse than a challenging conversation, right? I appreciate all that you do. Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. Okay. So yeah, silence is worse than a challenging conversation. Of course it is. Silence isn't going to resolve anything, right? So I don't know who needs to hear this right now, but if someone's being disrespectful to you, you are teaching them how to treat you. So you need to teach them. That's not okay. The first thing I would say is look at that person, right? It's just another human being and look in their life and say, hmm, do they treat everyone this way? I guarantee they don't.

3:18Heather Monahan:I guarantee there's people out there they treat with respect. I guarantee there's people out there they would never treat the way that they're treating you, right? You're allowing for it. And I remember when I was younger, oh my gosh, there was countless examples in my life where I allowed for people to not treat me in the best ways. And especially when you have someone on a pedestal, right? I mean, you think like, oh, well, they're better than me or this that. Here's the reality. We live in a world where we're always teaching others how to treat us. We're teaching others what is okay for us. So you want to show up as that best version of you.

3:56Heather Monahan:One of the big and most important ways of doing that is allowing yourself to be treated the way you deserve, asking for what you want. And sometimes that's creating boundaries. And I get it. I actually was speaking at the Miami Heat and I got this question during the Q &A, a very similar question like this. So in the workplace, how do you do it? Right? That's one of the questions that I got in the Q &A portion of my speaking engagement. Here's what I said. There's a couple different things. One, a great way, in my opinion, to approach a difficult situation is to say, I'm confused, or help me understand, right?

4:31Heather Monahan:Those are two non-confrontational ways to open up a difficult conversation. P.S. Who says it's going to be a difficult conversation, by the way? To me, that's sort of going in with a negative attitude because oftentimes it's because we didn't communicate what we need, want, or expect, or that something's bothering us. We can't assume the other person knows. Maybe things are just not going well in their life. They're in a crabby mood or situation and they're taking it out on us and it's on us to alert them to, hey, I didn't like how you spoke to me yesterday. I didn't feel good when I walked away from you.

5:04Heather Monahan:Please don't do that again. Please speaks to me in a way that you would want to be spoken to. How would you feel if I spoke to you that way? Right? Those are some good jump off points. But again, if you're at work, you're in an environment, whether the person's older than you or not is irrelevant, in my opinion. Again, that's more about you. And are you having issues that they're older, you think you need to treat them with more respect, they need to treat you with respect, right? It's a two way street. So doesn't matter what age you are, how much seniority you have, people need to treat others with kindness and treat them in a way that is respectful, no matter who they are, what they look like, where they're from, what socioeconomic class or age they are.

5:44Heather Monahan:That's fact, right? So it's 2023 people treat others with kindness. And if someone's not treating you that way, raise the red flag and say, Hey, I've got a problem with this. This doesn't work for me. So in business, oftentimes I use that I'm confused. You know, you had said that you wanted to work together on this project. However, when you speak to me like the way that you just did, it doesn't feel like we're on the same team. Have I done something to upset you? Right. Ask people some some really direct questions. And what you might find out is someone might say, oh, my gosh, no. But you know what?

6:16Heather Monahan:I'm going through divorce right now and I'm really having a hard time. And you know what? I think I'm taking it out on you. I'm sorry. And maybe that person apologizes to you. Or maybe the person says, I have no idea what you're talking about. Give me an example. And you want to be prepared to give somebody an example exactly what they said that was upsetting to you so that they can understand what your parameters are, what works for you or what doesn't. But it's really up to you. Think to yourself, okay, do they treat so-and-so this way? No, I see them engage with that person in a much more respectful manner.

6:48Heather Monahan:Well, I deserve to be respected that same way. Give them that example. Hey, I see when you are in meetings with so-and-so, you don't behave the same way that you do when you speak with me. Why is that? I would appreciate it if you would speak to me that same way, right? Ask for what you want, show people, model what respect is, show them how you want to be treated and ask for what you want. Be clear, be direct. And it does not have to be a difficult conversation. You know, practice, practice that conversation ahead of time, write down what that conversation would look like and roll through a couple of different options so that you feel more confident and prepared for it.

7:27Heather Monahan:But know that it is your right to have people treat you with respect. Something's wrong with other people that they don't want to treat you with respect. And I would say overcome that villain. If you have this conversation, you are direct, you are clear, you ask with total honesty for what you want, and they're still not able to do it. Those might not be your people, right? You're going to have to put some boundaries in place. And maybe you need to get moved off that team, that they're still going to be disrespectful to you and treat you poorly. I'm going to give you a quick example. When I had my son, so this is 15 years ago, I was a chief revenue officer for a media company at the time.

8:08Heather Monahan:And 10 days after I gave birth, I got an email from my then CEO that said, Hey, I need you to board a flight and go speak at my alma mater for me. True story. I had very low confidence at that point in time. And I remember I was so scared, like, well, gosh, everyone's going to be coming from my job because I just had a baby. And, you know, I was one of the only female C-suite executives. There was only one other. Right. So I was already a target. People wanted my job. People, plenty of people, I'm sure, didn't think I deserved it, which, of course, I did. But I was insecure at the time. And so when he sent me that email, I responded right away.

8:46Heather Monahan:Yes, sir. I will absolutely make the flight and deliver the keynote. Oh my gosh, epic fail on my part. People always say, that's what an awful situation he put you in. No, what an awful situation I allowed for. Change the dynamic, change the accountability there and start saying, I could have very easily said no, right? So here's how I would handle that conversation differently today. If I could go back to that moment, I would have responded to the email. Oh my gosh, you didn't hear. I just had a baby. baby I'm going to go ahead and send you some pictures give me a call after you get the pictures I want to talk to you about it this is so exciting I'm a new mom 10 days in it's really kind of crazy and then I would have sent the pictures and then I would have called him and said hey I know that you've got this important keynote and you're not able to make that trip which I completely understand however I think you and I can both agree there's probably somebody else better qualified to give a speech right now, not me knowing that I just had a baby and just had a C-section and I'm 10 days out.

9:51Heather Monahan:Who do you think the right person is to go, Bruce or Brian? Right? I mean, that would have been an easy conversation to have. That's not a difficult conversation. However, I was scared to have it. I didn't want people to think I had lost my edge, which is so ridiculous. I can't even put into words how ridiculous it is. So we're teaching people how to treat us. I was teaching people back then that I would just take anything they gave me because I wanted to show that I could do it. But really what I was doing was not respecting myself. So start with respecting yourself, hold yourself accountable to creating those boundaries and recognize it doesn't have to be a difficult conversation.

10:28Heather Monahan:It just needs to be a direct one. You're communicating what your wants and needs are. And there is nothing wrong about that. Don't apologize for it, own it, rock it, give examples of how you want to be spoken to, and move forward with what you deserve. Respect, because everybody deserves respect. Meet a different guest each week.

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13:14Heather Monahan:Whether your company earns millions or even hundreds of millions, it's time for NetSuite Next, where your business meets AI. If I had needed this product, it is what I would use. For the first time ever, you can try NetSuite Next for free. If your revenues are at least in these seven figures, go to netsuite.ai slash Monaghan. Built for the every industry, ready for every boardroom. Netsuite.ai slash Monaghan. I ask you to try to find your passion. All right, now I want to get into, you know, I was talking about how my son was going away on this trip. And I want to share with you that he returned and it was nowhere near as bad as he thought it was going to be.

14:05Heather Monahan:And it's so funny because in our minds, we build up or we create these stories or we get fearful or we worry. And all of it was for what? For nothing. He had a great time. I mean, granted, you know, it was not ideal conditions. And he was so grateful to be home and to be eating normal food again instead of just protein bars and not great food that they had on this trip, right? They were living in tents and in canoes all day, every day for the week. So it was not ideal situations. But he said he had so much fun. There was no technology. And so for one week, he had no phone. And while that was hard, he said in some ways it was amazing in other ways because they were completely present.

14:46Heather Monahan:and with all their friends. And he was so grateful when he got back that he went and he said he had such an incredible time on the trip. And I was so proud of him, you know, stepping into these new moments and stepping into something that we think could be scary or could potentially be bad. Living in a tent for a week doesn't sound great, but it ended up being incredible. And one of these moments, he's so grateful that he didn't miss out on. So for you, whatever it is that you're having some hesitation towards, drop the worry, drop the fear and start thinking about what amazing thing could happen during the situation instead of all the negative ones that you're afraid to have happen.

15:24Heather Monahan:Right. So it ended up being this real blessing. And, and for me, I was so missing my son by the time, you know, Friday rolled around and it really just made me feel so grateful for him. He came home and was so grateful for me because he hadn't seen me in a week. He hadn't, wasn't used to having a regular home, regular food, you know, all the amenities that we have in our normal life. So he felt so appreciative. So I guess my learning from this is losing something that you love once in a while is actually a blessing in many ways. He definitely came home so much more grateful, so much more appreciative for the basic things like a shower, food, just these really basic things.

16:04And I felt

16:05Heather Monahan:so grateful just to have him back something that maybe I take for granted every day, right? Because we're used to chasing our kids out the door to get them to school in the morning and chasing them around to get their homework done at night and run into the grocery store because we ran out of food and all these what seem like tedious things. But then when you lose that person that's so special to you that means so much for a week, you really can appreciate how much you love them and how grateful you are to have them. And I know he came home feeling that same way and being so appreciative and grateful for the most basic things that we take for granted every day.

16:38Heather Monahan:So wherever you are in life, whatever, whoever those people are that you love so much, make sure to show them gratitude today and every day, because there will be a moment at some point in time where that person will be gone from your life for whatever reason. Maybe it's a week long school trip like my son, and you're really going to miss them. And it just it's so joyful and exciting when you get to get them back. Right. So sometimes it is a blessing to lose something that you love for a little while to really remember how grateful you are to have them in your life. So I hope you can room for that today.

17:12Heather Monahan:And suddenly, you know, it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginning someone at an event that I was speaking at yesterday gave me this great magnet. And I love that. I love that saying. And, you know, these new beginnings are all around us all the time, if we're willing to welcome them and let them into our lives. So I was so grateful that he each trusted the magic of this new beginning of this trip and then coming home in this new beginning of total radical gratitude just for food and for a shower. And I carried on with that concept in a funny way today. I usually go to a certain spin class and I'm very much a creature of habit, which I don't know if you are too, but sometimes that can be a rut, right?

17:55Heather Monahan:Just doing the same old thing. So today I saw there was a new instructor teaching a class that I typically don't go to. And it was going to mean I'd be able to walk to the class. And I love, first of all, I'm so grateful to live in Miami, which is the most incredible city. It's so beautiful. You get to be out in the sun all the time and really appreciate the outdoors, which just puts me into such a great mood. But to know that I could just walk to my class today was such a blessing. And I just, I knew I love when I can walk to and just be outside. So I said, you know what, even though this isn't my teacher, right, this is going to be a new beginning.

18:28Heather Monahan:I don't know if I'm going to like the new teacher. I might not like him and that I'm going to be bad that I missed my good teacher, right? That's why oftentimes I get in my routine and just stick to my routine. But today I said, you know what, I really want to walk to the studio and I'm willing to step into the magic of new beginnings and see maybe there's something different or cool I'll learn from this class. We'll cut to it turns out this teacher is literally the best spin teacher I've ever gone to of my life, I was blown away. I almost started crying because I was just thinking to myself during class, I'm so lucky.

19:01Heather Monahan:I'm just so grateful. I'm so full of joy in this class. I love this guy's energy. I worshiped his playlist. Like I was so surprised in such a great way. And just reminded me that we've got to welcome these new beginnings. Like my son, we got to welcome that trip and be open to that possibility that it might be so much greater than we could have ever imagined, And even though on the outside it might look hard, it was so much better than he ever expected and so much better than I expected. Just like going to a spin class today, you just never know until you're willing to step into that possibility.

19:38Heather Monahan:So this week, go to a new class, try something new and different, step into the magic of a new beginning and allow yourself that beautiful opportunity because it truly can be such a gift when you allow it to be. It really was for my son and it definitely was for me today. So I'm so grateful for it. Okay, first of all, the most important love you're ever going to have in your life is with you. Right? And it was funny. My son and I watched the Pamela Anderson documentary on Netflix. And at the end, my son said, Mom, why do you think she gets married so much? I mean, she was married like five or six times, something crazy.

20:16Heather Monahan:And I said, I don't know. Why do you think she does? Because I wanted to hear what he had to say. And he said, I think she does because she doesn't really love herself. She's chasing marriages, trying to find happiness when she needs to find it within her first. And I thought that was so profound and well said, because the reality is if you're not happy with you, you're not going to find the right mate. You're not going to find the right situation because you're really going to be looking for that happiness that you need to find within you. So that is something I'm super grateful for. And a lot of people might look at me and say, 48 and single mom, that's so awful and tough.

20:53Heather Monahan:And oh my gosh, yeah, there are moments it is very, very tough. And it's not always easy. However, I'm so grateful for it because I've had this time to really find so much happiness and joy in my own life that now adding somebody to it is going to be just an additional gift, but it isn't necessary. And that's, I truly think that's when you're going to find the right situations for yourself, when you're already so happy in your own situation, so happy with who you are and in love with yourself, then you can give another person love in addition to not needing to and not from a desperate standpoint, which for sure for me at different points in my life, I came at things, whether it be because I wanted to have a baby so bad or I wanted to be buried so bad or who knows, you know, whatever things.

21:44Heather Monahan:I just wasn't feeling as good about myself at those times, I definitely entered into relationships that were not right for me. So if you are single, be nice to you, be kind to you, celebrate you and be so grateful and joyful for all that you already have, the love that you already have. I was thinking I'm so grateful for the love that I have for myself. Number one, first and foremost. Number two, I'm so grateful for the relationship I have with my son. It's incredible. He's the best kid. And I know the parents say this all the time, but he really is. And I have so much fun with him. And we just had such a great time together.

22:19Heather Monahan:I'm so grateful for all my friendships. I literally have the best friends in the world. I mean, I have a crew of friends that I've grown up with my whole entire life. More than 30-something years we've been together. And it's just, it's incredible to have friendships like that. And then I have new friendships with people I've just met in the past year or two. And I'm so grateful for those. So there's so much love all around us. if we're willing to see it and willing to appreciate it and willing to let it in. It doesn't just have to come from a romantic standpoint. It doesn't, I mean, listen, there's nothing.

22:52Heather Monahan:I have some friends that are in the best marriages and it's definitely what I want in my life. I look at their relationships and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is exactly what I want, right? I can't wait till that day happens that I find that right person that I can have a relationship like that with. cut to, I also know a number of people who are very unhappy in their marriages and it's so sad and I never want that, right? It gives you that contrast of what you want and don't want. And I see a lot of people stay in really unhappy marriages, which I think is sad. But again, everyone, you do you, whatever works for you.

23:25Heather Monahan:I highly suggest not settling and staying in an unhappy relationship. However, you've got to make your decisions for yourself. You only are the one that's going to have that answer for you. I've got friends that are married that are so, so happy and literally are married to their best friend and love of their life. I have friends that are married that are so, so unhappy and doing everything and anything to escape their spouse. And then I have single friends that are living their best life and love it. And I have single friends that are really sad that they haven't found the right person yet, right?

23:58Heather Monahan:So again, I just, no matter where you are in the whole thing, go back to how can you fall in love with you? How can you take the best care of you? And I really believe when you do that, that that's how you'll start showing up as the best version of who you have the potential to be and attract that right person. So there is no need to feel bad. If you're in a bad relationship, change it, end it, right? You have opportunity to do whatever you need to do. We live in a free country. That is the beautiful thing. And if you're single and haven't found that right person like me, then you know what? Just have faith that the right doors will close and the right ones will open all in God's plan and turn it over.