Confidence Classic: The Truth About Confidence, Criticism, and Real Legacy with Dr. Wendy Osefo

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29:10I ask you to try to find your passion. Around the topic of Black Lives Matter, myself specifically, and I know for other people as well, didn't know what it meant. So when it first, and I know it's been out for years, however, I was ignorant to it. I wasn't educated on it. I didn't know. And so when these conversations became massive in the past few months, at first I was thinking, well, that doesn't sound very nice because why wouldn't everybody matter? And I definitely thought that. And as I learned more, I've learned a lot. And as for all the good information you can get out there, sometimes there's really bad conspiracy theories, which I'm sure you hear many, especially this year with everything that's going on.

29:55And so it's trying to discern what is actually real, legitimate, factual information for quote unquote fake news and just conspiracy theory. That's been challenging, I think, for a lot of people. Absolutely. I agree with that. And I think that, you know, if nothing else, I've had a few friends who have said that this year they've just educated themselves and they've learned more about people, about organizations. And I just think that that's really important. So, you know, when people are saying Black Lives Matter, it's not because, you know, white lives don't matter or, you know, the lives of other people don't matter.

30:30They're just simply saying we feel as though right now black lives are under attack. I cannot remember in my mind when I have seen a police officer kill a white man on tape. I cannot, I cannot, like I can't. But if you ask me, have you seen a police officer kill a black guy on tape? I could say yes. I could literally say Philando Castile. I could say George Floyd. I could say Rashad Brooks. I can name these people's names. And so I just think it's important for us to have these conversations, not because white lives don't matter. We're just saying that black lives are currently under attack. And that's really what it is.

31:07And, you know, I have these conversations with my friends. You know, I was saying this the other day. My son was invited over to one of his classmates, you know, houses. Everybody's in quarantine. Let's get together. And the mom said, you know, I should come over. Just got him a new, you know, water gun and all this other stuff. And I had to tell my child that he couldn't go. And he didn't know why. And I said, because I don't want you playing with a gun. My sons, they're seven and five. I have never bought them a toy gun. That may seem foreign to people, but that's because you have incidents like Tamir Rice.

31:45There was a 12-year-old black boy who police pulled up that he was playing with a toy gun. They thought it was a real gun. Before they even looked at him, they killed him. He was 12. He wasn't doing anything. He was just playing. And that was it. My sons will never have the privilege to play with a toy gun. Like that whole story of, you know, the Christmas story with the boy, his mom said, you'll shoot your eye out. Yeah, that's not relatable to my family because no one in my family that I can know of great, great has ever owned a gun. And the only person who did was my grandfather because he was a police officer.

32:19We don't own guns because people think that you're going to kill them. So that is just something that says, that's how our lives are different. My son wants a super soaker. No, you can't get one. So just simple things like that, like just the bare things that make our lives different, but we live in the same country. And I just, you know, sharing stories like that with my friends and them sharing different stories with me have just really made this time period one of learning, not just for white people, but also for black people, like we're all learning. And as long as we continue to learn with open arms, I think that this country is on the right track.

32:55Absolutely. I couldn't agree with you more. I I didn't know that you had a family member that had been in the police force. And that's really interesting to me because of all the work that I know that you're doing for equality and for the situation that we have with police and taking a very hard look at policy and how can we fix these issues. What is your thought on defunding the police? Is that something that seems becoming very popular recently? Yeah, I think it's interesting when people say defund the police and what it means. It's like this whole notion of, I don't know if you ever heard of, you know, No Child Left Behind.

33:31I believe that was like one of the acts. And everyone was like, yeah, you know, that's a great thing. No Child Left Behind. Nobody really read the policy because if you read it, it's really like, it's really bad. But because of the name, right? So defund the police doesn't necessarily mean like we want to defund the police. You know, I'll actually go further. That was my grandfather that I mentioned. My brother is actually a police officer currently. So I have police force. So every time I speak out, people always want to attack me like, you hate police. No, my brother puts his life on the line every day.

34:00But defunding the police for me, Wendy's definition, it simply means that we give so much money to police. We need to start giving that money and allocating it to different entities. It doesn't mean police won't have. It's just that police have so much, like the point that sometimes when you see things going on, you see them riding down the streets in tanks. Why are we militarized now police when we have schools that don't even have books that are older than the 1970s? In Baltimore, they don't even have air conditioning for students when they're in school during the summer months. but police officers are equipped with all types of stuff as if they're going to war and they're not.

34:43So for me, defunding the police is not something necessarily that I'm advocating for, but I am saying that when we look at public service entities, they should all be equally yoked as far as finances. That's it. I want kids to go to schools with the books that they can read and they're not, you know, kids are getting kicked out of school because they owe a lunch balance of $2,$4, but you're giving the police like$10 million. Why don't you take$1 ,000 and pay off all lunch debt so children are not getting kicked out of school? It's just all about equity. And I think that those conversations need to be had about how we're spending our taxpayer money.

35:22Do you see those conversations happening now at a higher frequency because this is an election year and because of the outrage? Yeah, I think everyone is putting everything on the table now because it is an election year. And an election year is usually a tense time. I'm thinking back to 2016. I remember when that election was going on. It's usually a tense time because everyone who feels as though they have been left out of the conversation starts knocking on the door and saying, excuse me, you forgot about me, as they rightfully should. If you are going to vote for someone, they should work for you.

35:55In a sense, our elected officials should work for us. We're voting for you because we believe you're going to make our lives better, whether it's by enacting policy or whether it's by restricting policy. So I think that election year is just a time that everything bubbles up. I think that right now is just a really tense time in our country because it's an election year and we are also in a pandemic. And, you know, that is just mixing and everyone is just tired and exhausted. People are dying. You know, so much going on this year. So this year is going to go down in the history books. Definitely.

36:31That is an understatement. Oh my gosh. For better or worse. I'll tell you, it's so, this sounds so minuscule compared to what's happening in the world, but it just, my son, little dog died two weeks ago and it was, it was his first experience with death. Right. And it was so interesting to me in that we have all this death happening all around us, as we all do. But if your individual home has an experience, it's nothing like when that death comes to you, you know, in that experience. And it also reminded me how jaded we can get, I'm saying me as an adult versus him as a 13 year old child, you know, in my mind, I thought, oh, that poor dog and my poor son, but I know that we will move on and life will go on.

37:15And my son doesn't know that. And watching him go through that grief and loss really made me feel so much more sensitive around what everyone is experiencing right now. Yeah. Oh, that's so oh no I feel that because my my children we have a dog it's their first animal she hasn't passed she's still here but our children they have adopted birds and we have like a bird house and all that other stuff and they were playing basketball the ball rolled into the field and the ball laid beside the body of one of the birds and my son was terrible my five-year-old was like blue jasmine and started screaming her name I was like oh no they didn't take it that hard but that was their first time.

38:00I think I even heard him say, she's dead. And I've never heard, you know, it's like, you know, it's hard. It's hard. Oh, my heart goes out to your son. Give him a hug to me. I'm sorry. Thank you. Thank you so much. He's starting to do better. So thank you very much. Meet a different guest each week. Let it out of your chair. Confidence clear. If your anxiety, depression, or ADHD are more than a rough patch, you don't need just another meditation app. Takahitry makes it easy to see a psychiatrist online using your insurance in days. Takahitry is 100 % online psychiatry practice that provides comprehensive evaluations, diagnoses, and ongoing medication management for conditions like ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, and more.

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39:31That's talkiatry.com slash confidence to get matched in minutes. I ask you to try to find your passion. You bring up your kids and, you know, you're a mom and you're an educator and you're dealing with pandemic. How do you balance all of those things with being a political strategist, commentator, with now taking on Real Housewives? What does balance look like to you? Wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, lots of wine. No, okay. Okay, no, no. What does balance look like to me? Balance looks like, and I'll say this, and it may sound crazy, balance looks like I'm earlier, and I'm okay with it. meaning I know I cannot balance it all.

40:20And I know I cannot be a hundred percent in all things at all times. And I have learned this year and a little bit of last year to be okay with that. If my son has, you know, a big project for school and that's what we're focused on, that's what my priority is this week. So if I have to, you know, cancel some of my hits for TV because my son needs me, then so be it. If I have a week that is a big debate that's coming up and I have to study for it and make sure I have all of my talking points, then that week Grubhub is going to be my best friend and I may not be mommy of the year cooking dinner.

40:59So balance means me realizing that some things I'm going to have to put to the side for just a short period of time until I handle upcoming deadline. And I'm okay with that. Before I used to do it all. and I have a daughter that just turned one and I literally like beat myself over the head just to make sure, because I know she's my last one and I just wanted to make sure I breastfed her and I had to go to one. And so many times I wanted to stop because I would have to pump before a segment. I would pump in between takes. As you guys see on Real Housewives, there's like times where I'm like pumping.

41:35We traveled to Portugal and I brought back like over a hundred ounces of milk, like a psycho from a foreign country. I don't get it. But I just feel like I always run myself into the ground trying to make everyone else happy that I realized in order for me, Wendy, to be okay, I have to be okay letting go of some responsibilities and not being super moms sometimes. Oh my gosh, I remember. I was the same way with breastfeeding and feeling like it was my obligation and that pressure and the craziness. Oh, I feel you on that one. So I'm so glad your year is up. over. I am so like, no, if I hear another breast pump machine again, I will kick it down the freaking road.

42:18I hate it. I can't do it anymore. It's not a good sound. If everyone listening has not heard it, I'm not advocating for it. It is brutal. And if you were the person that was ever sitting next to me on an airplane, God bless you. Absolutely. Oh my God. That wasn't good. All right. So tell me how, I know a lot of people struggle with committing to something. This is the example you just gave. Your son has a big project coming up. He needs your help. You had laid out a number of different shows that you were committed to doing, and now you've got to go back to them and tell them, I can't do this.

42:51How do you approach that conversation? Oh, that's a great one. How do I approach that conversation? Well, in all honesty, I always try to have a middle person. I'm a scapegoat type of person. Like, listen, I can't do it. And so I'll have, you know, my publicist or someone like reach out. I'm like, oh, something came up. It's not necessarily good, but I'm a stickler for calendars. So I try to avoid those conversations. Like when the school gives out the calendar for the year, everything is in my calendar. So I give myself 24 hours before 24 hours after, because if this is the date for the spring concert, that means we're going to have to practice.

43:27We're going to have a wardrobe, you know, make sure the wardrobe works. So if the spring concert is on a Wednesday, then I check out Monday. So Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday is all, you know, for me. So it's, it's always about managing. And my husband and I, we sync out calendars. He's super busy as well. He's an attorney. So he has a million things going on. So we always try to, one of us is always present. We try for both of us to be present, but we always have one of us present. And it's worked so far. So fingers crossed that it continues to work. Well, I am impressed because you guys definitely have a full plate.

44:06What kind of advice do you have for other working parents, knowing that there's a very high probability that we're going to be teaching our kids at home yet again, starting this fall. And as an educator, is there any advice that you can give us? If you can, and I want to say if you can, because unfortunately there are finances tied to everything, right? But if you can start looking for help now, everyone is like literally scrambling because things are going to happen. And spoiler alert, if your school is going to open, still look for help because the moment god forbid one child one teacher comes in contact with the virus that school is probably going to shut down so that's just a spoiler alert for everyone like don't say oh perfect my child's school is going to open good to go no you're good to go for now until god forbid something happens and then they start all over and we see that happening even now with the states like you saw states opening up beaches were open everyone was fine but then the cases start to rise and they had to shut everything back down.

45:13They're definitely going to do that again with schools. And if you can, what I think is really great is if your child has friends in school and you are talking to those parents, see if you guys can come together to have one person, like a tutor, hire a tutor and split the cost amongst five families. It'll be so much cheaper. So it'll be like a mini class, except they're doing it with their friends and it's still virtual. So those are some tips I would say is one, be prepared for the worst possible outcome, even if the outcome looks good now. Two, try to find some help ahead of time. And three, do cost savings if you can by sharing that cost amongst other families if possible.

45:55okay I'll be on that as soon as we end this

46:06okay so real housewives this is season five and it's your first season what are your thoughts walking away knowing that you're going live now oh my goodness I am a nervous wreck it's weird because it's something that you do, like we filmed last year. So something that you do, no one knows about it. So you leave it the next day, your life is almost like back to normal, right? Like you're done shooting the season. Now it's like everyone is about to watch this show. Everyone is going to be invited into your home. Everyone is going to have opinions. You may say something to do something. You think you're a hundred percent right.

46:43And then the audience is looking at you like, oh my God, she's a great age psycho. So it's like, you are opening up yourself to the court of public opinion. And that is something that is not for the weak or the faint of heart. I'm glad that I've done some TV before. So I know what that's like because I've come off of TV after doing commentary, but I killed that. My points were like solid. And I get these emails like, where did you get your doctorate? You're so stupid. I'm like, damn, I thought I killed that. So I have had those comments all the time. So I say that to say, I'm a very humble person.

47:19And so I am nervous to open my life, my personal life to the court of public opinion. But it was a fun ride. So I enjoyed myself. It was good. Some of the women on the show you've known before and have been friends before. Did any of them give you advice or advise you when you were considering coming on or tell you what to expect? No, no, no, no, no and no. And so the reason I say that is my reaction and the way I reacted is very organic. Maybe like, and when I say no, I know for sure before we started filming. Okay, well, maybe one person, one person, one person, in all fairness. But my whole point of saying that is it wasn't enough.

48:05It's like, it's basically like someone telling you, if you go into the water and your head goes under the water, just hold your breath and you're like okay that makes sense and then they push into the damn Atlantic Ocean it's not a pool it's the Atlantic Ocean so it's like okay I need different tactics here so they gave me great advice but it wasn't anything compared to what I was about to go through it was pretty intense it was very intense yeah well I've only seen the trailer right the promo trailer which I shared with you I thought was so good and it looks so drama filled that I I can't wait for the show.

48:41But even just getting to know you a little bit, having read about you and immerse myself in your background, you come across very different in the trailer than you do in real life. Really? So how do I come across on the trailer? Well, the moment on the trailer that caught me was when you were going back and forth with another woman and she called you Wendy. And you said, that is Dr. Wendy. And you call this woman out in front of everybody without missing a beat. It just doesn't seem like the same person. It's not. It's really not. It's so fun. It's so funny because my zodiac sign is a Gemini. And I feel like true to form, I have two personalities.

49:27I have like, you know, Wendy that's just super goofy, silly. Like, I swear, my seven-year-old and my five-year-old, like, we're like on the same like mental capacity like when I'm home because I'm just so silly with them and so goofy and then I have my other side which is like I'm a boss like don't play with me you know like and I think she brought that out of me and it was so weird because after it happened well you guys are gonna see after it happened I was just like oh like literally in that episode you guys are gonna see me go through like Wendy being this person and Wendy going like oh that wasn't nice it's like the weirdest it's like the weirdest thing it takes some time but eventually you will see that that side of me it's so weird i'm i'm so weird yeah do you get a chance to watch the actual episodes and see how they edited everything before we get to see it yes and no they edited the season's done everything is done but before you guys see episode one we get episode one like two or three days before you guys see it.

50:33So I don't know what episode two is. I don't know what episode three is. I have no idea. So I have 48 hours to prepare myself for people calling me a psycho. That's it. I have 48 hours. Okay. So now that you've seen episode one and you know that someone somewhere will come out and be a hater and say something. It's just the nature of the beast. How do you respond to that or how do you prepare yourself for that? you don't you don't you have to know that you know people hate it or love it people are going to say something and that's why when I was thinking about going into the show I said in my life whether it's being a professor being a commentator I leave with authenticity I'm always true to who I am like I never go in there like I know people even in the political realm they don't believe what they're saying they're saying it because they know it'll get attention or because you know they're being a voice or mouthpiece for someone.

51:29Everything I say, I believe. And even in the classroom, everything I say, I believe. So I say that to say, with shooting the show, I came into it with the same mindset. So if you don't like what you see on the TV, I'm okay with that. Because it'll be different if I was faking or I was pretending to be somebody, then I'll say to myself, oh man, I wish I was just my authentic self. Maybe they were like that. No, you get what you get. And so I'd rather be hated for who I am than love for who I'm not. So this is who I am. If you don't like it, move along. I love that. Oh my gosh. I can't wait to see the show.

52:07So excited to see it. And I'm super excited to be on it. Oh, thank you. I'm super excited for now. We'll check back in a few weeks to see if you still feel the same way. Yeah, absolutely. Perfect. Perfect. And how does everybody find you, Dr. Wendy? You can find me on all social media platforms at Wendy Osefo. Well, thank you so much for being here. And we're looking forward to seeing you on Bravo. Yay. Thank you for having me. Hang tight. We'll be right back. I hope you love meeting Dr. Wendy as much as I loved interviewing her. I have to tell you that I didn't know what to expect with her. I didn't know her previously.

52:51and I'm so happy I had her on the show. She's not what I expected and she really dropped some major knowledge on me and I hope on you too. So hopefully you enjoy meeting her and learning from her. I thought she was great. Okay, so sometimes I get DMs on Instagram from people, just super nice notes, feedback, you know, not always. Sometimes I get some crazy lunatic haters, but yesterday I got super nice note from someone telling me to keep up the good work and that they're so proud of me. And then the person said, you know, you can manifest and create anything that you want. And I wrote back, I thought that was so interesting.

53:27Like, really? Do you have some inside track that I don't know? And PS, please explain. So I wrote back any tips on how to do it. Manifesting is something I'm learning about, but I'm not a master. And this was interesting. He said many tips, but first start by creating a morning ritual instead of waking up and going straight to your phone. Also, imagine that you already have what you want and manifest it. And this was interesting to me because I had worked super hard on this a while ago. And like with anything, I'm going 9 million different directions. And back when I was really leaning into my speaking business, I had this whole thing written out and I used to read it every single day.

54:10And it was all about how I'm the top speaker in the US and I am making millions of dollars. all these really crystallized specific goals. And I would read it every day as if it was done, real and happening. And I've forgotten about it since the pandemic hit, because number one, that isn't possible right now, right? So it just reminded me that this person sent me that note. Hey, I need to get back to that. I need to get back to putting out to the world what it is I want and what it is I'm going for and making happen. because God knows I am going for so much and making so much happen. But why don't I get back to that simple practice that takes a couple of minutes a day that seemed to have been working great for me before pandemic hit?

54:55You know, why not implement that now? So I challenge you to think about what are some of the good things, good practices that you had in place before pandemic that maybe you've forgotten about and maybe manifesting is one of them. And if it is, let's go, let's do it together. Let's put it back in motion. I am so doing it. I'm back in. We need to get back to the grind in the most positive and supported way. And I really believe there's nothing bad that can come from it. There's only good that can come from it. So giddy up, let's go. And we all need some good. Okay, today, oh my gosh, wouldn't you know, this is so crazy.

55:30My life is freaking crazy. Even in pandemic, it's crazy. So I used to work with a young man years ago. I was in radio. I was a VP of sales at the time. And I sort of took this young man under my wing. He was very rookie, very young. And I just could see he didn't know what he was doing. And he wasn't getting the support he needed. I actually forgot about that. He told me today. And I took him under my wing and I started working with him. And I started going on sales calls with him and teaching him because I wanted to help him. And I saw he didn't know what he was doing. And he worked for, he was in my company, right?

56:04He wasn't my direct report, but he was in the organization I was running. Okay, so he ends up leaving a couple years later. I don't remember why. This is a long time ago. And fast forward to, I don't know, a month ago, he reaches out to me on LinkedIn and now he's a VP of sales for a company. And he wanted to bring me on to be a keynote speaker for his sales team, which is in Singapore, Brazil, London, and Miami. And it's a publishing company. And I, I was so excited. I said, oh my gosh, this is fantastic. and yeah, let's work out logistics and whatnot. But if possible, if we can make it work, I'd like to do it.

56:41So we ended up working everything out. It was great. And today was the day I had to give the speech. Remember, my mentor died last night. So I cried like crazy yesterday. I did not sleep that great last night, obviously. I was really upset. And then this morning I was crying again too. So I just decided I'm not gonna do my hair or makeup. I don't even care. And I know that sounds so lame, but typically I really try when I'm doing an event, right? Even from Zoom, I try. I decided I'm just gonna tell them the truth. And I did, and I started crying a little bit at the beginning of the meeting, but then I really got into my talk and I became my powerful speaking version of me.

57:20And it went killer, so good. And we did a Q &A after and it was great. And they were all going nuts. And so I was super pleased with how everything went today, considering the mindset and mind frame I was in with having just lost my mentor. So I was really proud of myself. And I also said to myself, what would Bob say if he was here right now? I said that to myself this morning and I know what he would say. Kiddo, come on, let's go. You can bring value to them. You can support and help them. You can teach them. This can be part of the footprints in the sand you're leaving. You need to show up for me.

57:54And so that's what I told myself. That's what I did. I kept it real and told the truth. And then I went all in and delivered. and I'm super proud of myself doing that. So yes, some days are really freaking hard. Some are harder than others, but when we put our best foot forward and remember the whys, why are we doing this? You know, why are we showing up? Why are we sharing our message, our teachings? Why are we in this situation? You know, I remembered him and that pushed me to show up this morning and I might not have looked my best, but I killed it. So I was super proud of that. Okay, so one of the questions, I did a Q &A at the end and one of the questions that came up is an interesting question because it keeps coming to me.

58:35So I have to address it again. One of the people asked, how do you say no to things? And it's such an interesting question because no is a complete sentence. No does not need to be explained. No does not need to be described or justified. No. And here's the thing. The more that we're at home, the more that our schedules are crazy, the more that we're in back-to-back Zooms, the more we're gonna have to start saying no. And I've totally made that pivot. And I'm saying no to so much now where at the beginning, I wasn't, I was just taking anything and everything. But as we begin to determine where is the best use of our time, where is our best ROI, our return on our investment or return on our time, ROT, and that's how we can make better decisions.

59:18We need to evaluate. If sitting on the phone with your friends in the middle of the day isn't paying dividends, probably not the best use of your time. You know, so you need to figure out for you, where is your time best spent working out for me? Check, check and check. I've got to do that or I lose my flipping mind. You know, so I've learned over time. That's a priority. What are the other priorities? Revenue drivers, building up the funnel of pipeline of people I can sell products and services to like there's a number of different things. And when I get breaks, I want to expand my brand, expand my message, and I'll go as a guest onto other podcasts or, you know, say yes to other opportunities.

59:53but very often now I am saying no and I don't apologize for saying no. I'll say something like, unfortunately, my schedule is completely full and I don't have time right now to be a guest on your show. Would love to touch back on this, you know, in six months and see if things have changed. Thank you for considering me. Just something nice like that. You don't have to, you know, get in the weeds on it. Just unfortunately, that's not going to work right now, but I appreciate you asking. And that's fine. That's fine to say no to people. So it's really about figuring out what your priorities are, constantly reevaluating them because mine keep changing.

1:00:31When I first launched the mentoring program, that was my priority and filling the pipeline for the next month. But now the executive coaching program is paying better dividends and that's becoming more of a priority. So things are changing. Plus my Harper Collins deadlines are coming up. So the book is becoming a priority. Plus we're making the decision to launch more podcast episodes. So that's changing a priority. So it's this constant evaluation at the beginning of each week of, okay, do I have free time this week? Where, you know, should I allocate that free time? Is it researching ClickFunnels?

1:01:03Is it researching, you know, SEO? Is it researching Shopify or is it being a guest on a different show? Or is it, you get the point, spending more time figuring out who my next guests are constantly reevaluating because those are moving targets. And in the world we live right now, everything is changing so quickly that we've got to constantly reevaluate what we're doing. And sometimes you just want to hang with your kid. So make those decisions, say no without an apology. You don't need to feel bad and you don't need to justify it until next week. And by the way, our new shows, hopefully they're live by the time you're hearing us or they're coming live right while you're hearing this this same week.

1:01:44Can't wait to hear back from you on that. Let me know if you like the new shorter episodes that we're adding in. We're gonna be running three episodes a week till we get feedback from you on if you like them. And please let me know if you like the topics we're covering, if you'd like to see something else covered, let us know and we will make it happen. Here's to creating confidence in your life and mine until I see you next time. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're going to hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably, something will happen. No one succeeds alone.

1:02:18You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with me.