Confidence Classic: Your Energy Defines Your Sexual Chemistry (How to Reignite “The Spark” In Your Relationship) with Ashley Stahl & John Wineland

28:36Yeah, they are. One of my best friends founded boss babes. So they're like the, they are the boss babes. Okay, good. Yeah. Yeah. So, so girl, girl bosses, right. And, and so, so if, if a woman is in that energy all day long, and then she doesn't transition when she gets home. And so she's in her masculine, she's kind of directing him when she gets home or still wearing that, that cloak of kind of, of masculine leadership and she doesn't take a bath or move her body or do something to kind of soften. And she wonders why he doesn't want to have sex. You know, that's an area to start, right. Um, and, and becoming more and more fluid, um, so that especially for women moving from the workforce into, you know, the love space requires a lot more fluidity and the ability to move between your feminine and your masculine quite artfully.

29:37And that's something that a lot of women are learning, but that's a big reason that sexual attraction will die.

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32:58You know, I love this because number one, this has happened to me. Like I was with somebody for five years. I called off our wedding and as I'm listening to you, it didn't feel workable. Like, but I do see a lot of areas where I lost trust and it was just so many years. And like, I don't know, it was like a happiness for me to throw in the towel, not because I didn't love the person, but because I was just I didn't want to like fight for the relationship anymore. And I learned so much about myself. We change so much as we get older. And so I'm curious also to understand from you, because one of the dynamics that we had in play, I've noticed with a friend of mine and this kind of a loaded situation.

33:35So I'm curious what we can look at here for everybody listening. She's a friend, not a super close friend, but she's a pretty big public figure. And she had a really good guy. And she was making the money and it really bothered her. She wouldn't admit it until she eventually did. And it ended up evolving into her wanting to leave him for like the CEO, you know, like the powerful CEO type. And not only did she do that, but she made sure that she was like found one before she even left him. Yeah, that happens a lot with women. Yeah, I really I mean, I hate to sound like I have judgment, because to me, like loyalty is such a thing.

34:13But I also know that people are human. And so I'm curious what your thoughts are on that dynamic where it's like, I'm making the money and I'm performing better than him. And what you see happen there, what that's really about. And then also, like, why do people cheat? Because to me, I kept saying to her, just let him know that you don't want to be together anymore. And in some words or another, her response was, well, I want to find somebody first. And she didn't say it that transparently, but that was what I gathered. And that's what happened. And the irony is that the person she found ended up breaking up with her just weeks into it saying, you're not nurturing enough, which I thought was really interesting.

34:52So I'm curious to kind of unpack this entire dynamic, because I think there's so many pieces of it that so many people listening can relate to. Yeah, well, let me start with why people cheat. And it's the same thing I said about why you lose sexual interest. So if a man is with a woman who's who's not bringing him energy, which to a masculine body is nourishment. And the more on purpose a man is, the more energy he craves. So if you're with a guy who is not doing a lot, is not really living a big life and not focusing his energy fully on something that really matters to him, his mission, then he doesn't need as much energy.

35:35But if a man is on mission, he needs a lot of energy, sexual energy, naughty energy, flirty energy, playful energy, devotional energy. And if a man's not receiving that energy from a particular woman, he'll think, oh, I need another woman that's going to bring me that energy. And so that's why the classic example is men falling in love with their yoga instructor or in the 50s it was their secretary because the secretary was devotional. The secretary brought devotion. And so the – but the classic example is it's just basically they need energy. And the reason a woman cheats is because she feels that she's not being led someplace that she can't lead herself.

36:28And if that happens, like in the example of your friend, you know, she probably felt that he wasn't able to lead her someplace deep. And I imagine that it wasn't really about the money. I imagine that it was about his capacity to lead her someplace. Now, for example, if he was writing a book on something that really mattered in the world and his purpose was really clean and clear and he was a man who was in his body and had impeccable integrity and the capacity to be really present and take her someplace deep sexually, the money would not have mattered. And if it still did, then that's more her shallowness than anything.

37:19Because again, it's one of those things of I imagine if you asked her what really matters in a relationship, what do you really want from the man who you love? I doubt it's money. It's more the capacity to lead her someplace deep into her heart and into her pleasure that she can't take herself. Most women don't even realize that that's what's missing or that's what they're yearning for. Once they do, then they can get some clarity on what kind of man might bring them there. Beautiful. And, you know, it's interesting because she's since gone on to she I think she's going through a lot of growth.

38:02But I think I relate to her to a lot of people. And, you know, I, I'm noticing that she just fell for somebody new who kind of has similar wounding to her. So I thought kind of also just talking about dovetailing patterns, if you could share about that, because now, you know, I met a guy, friends with him, and he, you know, he constantly wants to go hard and attract women and win them over, and then he can't hold the connection. So his pattern is that he like kind of, I guess what people would call a womanizer, right? And he told me, he confided in me that I tend to do this. And I'm like, okay, well, you got to look at that.

38:38And funny enough, he told me we should date. And I'm like, eh, you're about 200 coaching sessions away from that, maybe. And just joking with him, you know, he's a lighthearted soul. But he ended up dating her. And one of her things is like not really looking at situations, a lot of avoidance. when two people, what is going on and why is it that, and how can we raise the awareness for the listeners right now of this tendency for two people to attract to each other that have the same wounds? Or that they fit. I don't think they have the same, I don't know if they have the same wounds. They might be similar.

39:12Or that they fit in some ways, kind of what I was reading. Yeah, they fit. Well, that's the whole Imago match piece. I mean, you know, if your listeners want to read Getting the Love You Want, it'll lay it out there with like painstaking clarity. and um you know so yeah we're going to attract people who are going to wound us in the same way that we were wounded as children because that's what we learned love is we learned that love is leaving us in a certain way uh neglecting us in a certain way abandoning us in a certain way abusing us in a certain way and we learn to attract people like that or if we don't attract people like that, we will make them, we will literally push them into the position where they do the thing that, um, that we, that we don't want them to do, or we say we don't want them to do consciously don't want them to do.

40:05And, and so, you know, this idea of, of we all look, we all do it. Even those of us who are quote unquote, you know, uh, you know, relationship experts do it. It's kind of, they've proven it now over 60 years of studying it. You almost can't help it. You're going to attract somebody. The difference is that if you're conscious of it, then you can begin to heal it and make art from it and make it a really beautiful experience and actually become a healing force for each other's wounds rather than re-wound each other. People who are unconscious in this area will continually re-wound each other in the same way that they were wounded when they were young, people who are not conscious, who are conscious in this area will begin to become healing forces for those wounds.

40:57And that's where you see some really beautiful relating going on. I know that we're getting into sexual chemistry and I've like literally gone on five tangents with you because you're so interesting. So I'm curious kind of for everybody listening who has kind of listened to you and thought, yeah, I don't trust my partner because of this, or I don't trust that guy that I'm dating because of that. And maybe that's why I don't feel like that sexual chemistry or connection. So I'm curious, like, what are some, what's a starting point for someone step one, when it comes to creating or reigniting sexual chemistry?

41:30Well, depending on the, I think the first part is to get clear on your essence, and then learn how to embody your essence. So if you are a feminine identified human, your essence is love and energy. That's your essence. The feminine in all of us is driven by the desire for love. The masculine in all of us is driven by the desire for freedom. Now, freedom for the masculine takes the form of making a ton of money or doing a project that that liberates the world or writing the book or making the film or sexual freedom, having lots of partners. The feminine in us is wanting love. The masculine in us is wanting freedom.

42:19If you want to create the deepest, most sustainable sexual chemistry with your partner, it's going to require, if you're a masculine partner, and this is going to sound a little but this is kind of the ancient Chinese secret, so to speak. You are going to have to learn to embody the deepest part of you. Your masculine essence is the part of you that never changes. So you have a part of you, I have a part of you that is deep and unchanging and infinite. You know what I'm saying? Right? The ability to be that, to embody that, to literally, you know, show that through my body is called presence. So the ability to be present and be conscious is kind of a is a masculine currency, sexual currency.

43:11Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay, the feminine sexual currency, which a feminine being would want to cultivate is It's pleasure in her body and yearning in her heart. So if she wants to be, I mean, it's kind of irresistible for a man to feel the part of you that is yearning to be loved, ravished, penetrated, taken someplace deep sexually, and feel pleasure in your body. Those two things, if you put them together as a feminine being, literally are magnetic, just like consciousness and presence and groundedness are magnetic for a feminine partner to a masculine being. So the ability to create and sustain sexual chemistry starts with that.

44:06I mean, there's a lot more to it. We could not get into it in a single podcast, but it's a personal practice. My teacher calls it a yoga or an art that we can develop. The myth of chemistry is that it just happens or it doesn't. That's bullshit. I've worked with couples who are together 20 years, 25 years, who learn to do a few things for each other. and boom, like they're not only do they have all the history and trust and love that they had in their relationship, but now you add sexual polarity to that and they have a really deep, beautiful sort of reawakening. Wow. I love that. Okay. So kind of before we started recording, like just talking about like step one for creating sexual chemistry, being training yourself to conduct more love through the body.

44:55So that's like femininity, right? You were saying like the feminine wants love and the masculine wants freedom. This makes me want to ask you about polyamory. Can I say a little more? Can I say just a little bit more about that one concept? So, so the masculine, if I'm a masculine person, which I am, then I experienced pleasure through your body and yearning through your heart as love. So your ability to conduct those two things through your body, there's more, but let's just start with those two. Those two things through your body, devotion is another big one, right? Through your body, a curse to me is love.

45:29So that's what I mean by learn to conduct more love through your body. And then if you're a feminine being, then my conscious grounded presence occurs to you as love. Would you say that's true for you as a woman? Definitely. Yeah. So the personal practice to be able to cultivate those things is the learning to conduct more love through your body. And what does that really look like? Like, what is someone who, if you look at them, you say, oh, wow, they've really learned how to conduct love through their body. Like, what is an example of somebody that would look like that? Well, you can see, I mean, we all know, like, I'm sure you know a man like, you know, who walks into a room and he's been a meditator for years.

46:11And he's, you know, he's in his body. He breathes deeply, not, you know, shallowly like most men do. He's, you know, he's, you can feel that it's not just a state that he's in for a moment, but it's a trait he's cultivated for years. He walks into the room and you can feel like, wow, that's a deep man. Yeah. Or that's a conscious man or that's a presence man. You know guys like that. You've seen them, right? They're hot. Yeah. Yeah, they're hot. And so that trait development takes practice, just like a martial artist, just to become a really deep martial artist or a beautiful dancer takes practice.

46:54So we just feel these people. We end up paying them a lot of money as entertainers, or we end up really wanting to be around them because they're so rare. and but but what we don't realize is that those traits can be trained um and we can actually and this is basically what i do for a living is i teach people these skill sets so that they can bring these things to their relationship and create a deeper experience um so yeah that it's it's one of those things like you kind of know radiant a radiant woman when you see it and all radiance means is that she's conducting energy through her body. She's conducting, that's what radiance is.

47:42So, you know, the ability to conduct energy through your body, the ability to reveal your heart is a huge feminine practice to reveal the truth of your heart, to be vulnerable, to be, to be, you know, to be devotional, to be, you know, and men have it too, but, but, but for a woman who's a feminine being and she wants to attract a masculine man, it's crucial to develop those things. And when people do, they're just very attractive. The world is your sexual oyster at that point. Yeah, yeah, really. Yeah. And kind of looking at polyamory, and I know those of you listening, they might not even know what polyamory is.

48:25I'm curious what this looks like, because when you talk about the masculine wanting freedom and maybe they want to want sexual freedom like they want they don't want to commit to one person for the rest of life or a woman who wants sexual freedom so i'm curious to understand what uh we can share with everyone about polyamory and how this plays into feminine energy masculine energy and polarity okay well it's it's a loaded topic but i'll give my best and it may piss some of your listeners off but normally polyamory was a masculine created in, you know, practice, right? And normally, it was because men were using multiple women who had different energies to fill the void of sexual desire.

49:10So I said, the masculine craves, craves lots of energy. Well, you know, no better way to get a lot of energy than to have a lot of different kinds of women. Right. And, and, and most of the time, And when you see polyamory working, it's because there's such a beautiful container around it so that people can work through the emotional traumas that come up. I think most polyamory is when it's driven by the masculine and it doesn't necessarily serve a woman who's in her feminine. A woman who's in her feminine, or a man for that matter, wants to be filled with consciousness, wants to be filled with attention, awareness.

50:03Consciousness is just another word for attention and depth and presence. and um and a woman who is looking for multiple male partners is usually dissatisfied with her primary partner and thinks that other partners will fill that void when she finds a man who really does fill that void what i've seen is that she doesn't want to be polyamorous anymore um that she you know she's like okay like that's the conscious that's the texture of consciousness that I've been looking for my whole life. And I don't want to be polyamorous anymore. So it's a weird, it's actually worked out to be quite a weird dynamic that I've seen.

50:48I don't see it work very well, very often, because there's a lot of shadow behind it. You know, there's a lot of sexual shadow. And I know we don't have time to get into that, but that's just my take on polyamory. Meet a different guest each week.

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52:27Build your brand and get your complete business identity in just 10 clicks and 10 minutes. Visit northwestregisteredagent.com slash confidence free and start building something amazing. Get more with Northwest Registered Agent at www.northwestregisteredagent.com slash confidence free. I ask you to try to find your passion. Another step you kind of talked about to create sexual chemistry. And before we even get into that, I have a friend, you know, who is with a really wonderful guy. He's polyamorous. She isn't. She's so in love with him. She is opening her mind. What is your thought on that kind of a dynamic where maybe somebody falls in love with someone who has a sexual preference that they haven't considered or maybe they're not comfortable with and they don't even know whether they're comfortable with it or not?

53:23Yeah, my guess is that she won't get – she won't be comfortable with it for long. Okay. And yeah, my guess is that in six months after, you know, he's come home from a few experiences and she can feel these other women, it will break her heart. Okay. And, um, and yeah, and, and a lot of women, like I said, when a woman feels deeply known scene, I mean, uh, you know, and, and led someplace very deep sexually, um, she will do almost anything for that kind of love. and oftentimes that includes agreeing to things that she's not necessarily into and a lot of men quite frankly will and i see this in a lot of quote unquote conscious men they will they will use poly and they will use polyamory as a um and this is my pet peeve right they they actually use it as a way to, you know, to fill sexual hunger at the expense of their feminine partners.

54:27And they basically bludgeon the feminine partner saying, oh, you're not, you know, this is not, you know, you're not practicing enough or you're not being spiritual enough or you're not trusting love enough. I mean, there's a whole kind of language that a lot of guys use. And I kind of think it's gross. To be honest. Yeah. Not all. I love how talented you are. Yeah, some guys do it well. I have a couple of students who are polyamorous, and they do it extremely well. And they hold the container super tightly. They hold their partner super tightly. There's really great rules around it all. There's a lot of space to hold the heartbreak as it inevitably comes up.

55:08If she's madly in love with this guy and he's sleeping with other women, he's got to hold her heartbreak for a week or so afterwards. And the question that I would ask men who want to engage in this is, is it serving anybody but you, really? Well, I'm sure that there would be a lot of arguments around the extra energy and what they learn or the growth, I'm imagining. But gosh, I wouldn't be familiar with it as such a monogamous person right now looking to find the love of life. Yeah, I just call bullshit on a lot of it because a lot of the times they use that as a spiritual weapon. Like, oh, but it's growth to be, you know what I mean?

55:49And I just don't, I don't necessarily see that that, that anybody, I just think that people are re-wounded. And she'll, now your friend may have abandonment wounds from her childhood. And so she chooses a guy to go back to, and I don't know if this is true or not, but I'm putting out there. So she chooses a guy who's going to abandon her. And that's, that's what love is to her nervous system. and um you know anyway so that's that's my take on polyamory and like i said your polyamorous listeners are probably going to send me hate mail but you know it's fine it's i used to my first internship i used to work in counterterrorism john my first internship was opening arnold schwarzenegger's mail during the time of anthrax um as an intern and i am like all good with the hate mail like i've gotten plenty whether it's addressed to me or not so no problem um being polarizing pun intended for sexual polarity.

56:45Okay, so those of you listening, you're taking notes, I know you are you guys tell me you've have been which is so great. And so number one, just training yourself to conduct more love through the body, which, as you said, john, that's something that is so much more than just a podcast, but the concept of relaxing into your loving essence, if you're wanting to step into your feminine energy, I would say I don't want to butcher the way that you would, you know, summarize that. And then second, learning to become resonant. Tell me about this. Well, sexual intimacy has two pillars. The first is the intimacy piece.

57:21And the second is the sexual polarity piece. And that's why when someone says, I don't want to sleep with my partner, oftentimes the intimacy piece is all fucked up, right? They don't trust them. They don't trust them to honor their feelings, right? They don't trust them to honor what they think and feel as valid. And so what that does is create separation. Intimacy is a recognition of sameness. And the sameness happens when you, you know, we've all had the experience or many of us had the experience of looking into another's eyes and feeling, you know, I'm human, you're human. You know, I have a soul, you have a soul.

58:01And that experience is very deep and very beautiful. It's not necessarily sexy though, but it's, it's deep. And, um, you can, it can happen with you and a baby. It can happen with you and a pet. Um, it could happen with any, you know, any with you and a tree for Christ's sake. I've had some moments with trees where I was like, right. And so the feeling of the deep feeling into and of another is intimacy. It's kind of a recognition of sameness. Well, sexual polarity is the exact opposite. I am conscious presence. You are pleasure and love. And when we come together, there's an energetic or magnetic pull because I'm animating my masculine as deeply as possible.

58:50You're animating your feminine. I am structure. You are energy. I am consciousness. You are love. I am nothingness, you are everything. I am death, you are life. It's yin and yang. This is not new. This has been part of an ancient theory for thousands, if not more, tens of thousands of years. Okay. Number three, you said is animating difference when it comes to creating sexual chemistry. And I, I find this really interesting, because I know a lot of listeners here might not know your your approach to or your mindset on what feminine energy is, because anybody listening, you know, to me, my belief is the trademark of an evolved soul is someone who can walk in all of the energies, right?

59:43Feminine energy, masculine. So I'm curious what your take is when it comes to animating difference. What does that mean? And how can we expand on these energies for everybody to grasps them a little bit more. Yeah, well, I love this idea of the evolved soul is able to own their masculine, own their feminine. I mean, I teach a lot of men to own their feminine in very specific ways. And so let's say you have an evolved soul who has both, and the evolved soul is a woman and her essence is feminine. At her core, she's feminine. Well, if she wants to create sexual polarity as a gift or as a way to create kind of a sacred sexual experience, she would animate the part of herself, she would amplify and transmit.

1:00:32So femininity and masculinity are just transmissions of energy, right? They're just transmissions of energy. And so to be a feminine partner means that I'm going to feel deeply into my heart and to the place of me that is love, I'm going to cultivate pleasure in my body and I'm going to transmit it as deeply as I can to my partner. And then the masculine partner would be, okay, I'm going to connect to the part of me that is deep and infinite. I'm going to deepen my breath. I'm going to ground my body and I'm going to transmit that to my partner as a gift. And when two partners do that, then you have a deep sexual experience.

1:01:19and a shit ton of attraction. I mean, it's just, you know, it's, it's, it's, it doesn't take once we, you know, talking about it, it sounds sort of etherical, but when you see it, you're like, oh yeah, right. Like this dude, right. Who's the dude, uh, you know, uh, I'm trying to think of a guy that would really, that really qualifies as someone you would consider kind of a deep, you know, a deep masculine presence. If you look at him, you'll see all the traits that I just outlined. And the same with someone who's really, you know, beautiful, radiant, sexy, feminine presence, you'll see all the traits that I just talked about.

1:01:53Yeah, yeah, actually, my one of my closest friends, Alyssa Nobrega, her husband, Emilio is like a deep, beautiful, masculine, conscious presence. And all of the women and their husbands, like all the girls in my group of friends are like, why don't you talk to Emilio? Because he's just such a beautiful, integrated, present soul and he notices everything. He's so attuned. You know, I went to Burning Man with them and I was learning how to ride a bike, which is so embarrassing that I've never learned how to ride a bike until Burning Man. But he noticed every time I would wince back, like I was scared that a bike flew at me and I couldn't, you know, and he's just so attuned.

1:02:29And so maybe a good invitation for anybody listening is to kind of look and see like where in your world does that kind of man exist to model after or to pay attention to that. John, this has been amazing. Women's groups are great places to go, right? I mean, this is why I'm such a big fan of both, right? If you want to animate more of your feminine, spend time in a woman's group that's dedicated to that. If you want to animate your masculine, spend more time in a men's group that is dedicated to that deep practice and deep experience. This has been so beautiful. I'm so curious where everybody can learn from you, what you have going on for everybody listening.

1:03:10Well, you can hit my website and I have, I have, my woman's program is sold out. My men's program is almost sold out and that starts in late April. There's a, I have a few spots left for men in a co-ed program that's, you know, that's eight months long that I teach with Kendra Kunoff that talks, that takes a lot of what we're talking about and actually puts it into practice. So I have a few spots for that. That's called the Relationship Salon. And then I have a number of workshops going on over the next year. And all that stuff is listed on my website. So johnwineland.com and they can get all the information they need.

1:03:46Oh, thank you so much for your time. This has been so wonderful. Good. Thank you, Ashley. It's my pleasure. Hey, guys, it's Ash. I don't even know what I'm going to talk to you about on this post episode conversation because John just threw it down so hardcore that I'm nearly speechless, which, you know, God knows is like a miracle from above. But just thinking about two areas that he really talked about is when the sex dies in a relationship, he talked about the woman not trusting the man and the man not feeling she's devoted to him. And of course, there's gender stereotypes, there's sexual stereotypes, there's generalizations in here.

1:04:22But I think it's important for people who are academics or experts to sometimes generalize and put things in a box that they can diagnose and treat things and recommend things. And so while not everybody is going to fit in the boxes that John and I went through, I thought it was really powerful that he was able to put his finger on how a woman stops wanting to sexually connect with her partner when she doesn't trust him in some way. And I was just in Amsterdam this past weekend giving another TED talk, and it'll probably be live by the time you hear this episode called how to figure out what you really want.

1:04:57And when I was giving this talk, I was I met a couple before I got on stage. And there's something up with them. And I couldn't put my finger on it until later when I had some time to think. And I realized it was that she felt the woman felt like she was resentful towards the guy. And I realized that that is just one version of what it looks like when somebody loses trust, is that you get hurt, and then you get resentful, or you don't believe in somebody, you know, whatever have you. And so I think that one of the most scary things that I've dealt with throughout my life is the question of like, is there really one person you can spend the rest of your life with and have it all with?

1:05:32Can you have connection? Can you have understanding? Can you have deep love? Can you have sexual chemistry? Can you have all of it? And more than ever, I'm starting to become an optimist in love after having called off my wedding, after having dated so many different types of guys. Many of them were amazing guys. One was a narcissist. So in my own relationship in dating history, there's only one guy that stands out to me that I don't have positive things to say. But otherwise, I feel like I've had nurturing, loving relationships, but I lost attraction to a lot of my partners at some point. And so I wanted to just kind of highlight what the question of trust and what does trust really mean to you?

1:06:11And what is trust really about. So I've really started to think a lot about what do I do to build trust with somebody? And I've thought a lot about the word loyalty. So for example, my friend Sarah had some friends over from, she comes from Michigan and she had some friends in town for her wedding. And there's a lot of us there to celebrate her at her wedding, but there was something inside of me that felt such a loyalty towards her that what that looked like for me was making an effort with the friends she had that I didn't really know. And whether they resonated for me or not, I wanted to make the effort because that felt like loyalty.

1:06:45And I realized that that kind of loyalty builds trust, builds connection, builds love. And when I also think about what trust means to me, I think a lot about follow through and how we all have different things we need from partners to have trust. And there's so many layers, right? Like as a woman, maybe you stop trusting your partner's ability to provide or ability to show up in their career or ability, you know, maybe they're not confident. And if somebody else isn't confident, how do you believe in them yourself if they don't believe in themselves? So trust has many, many layers. But the question I want to ask you to self examine is really how do you build trust with someone else?

1:07:25Like, what are your strategies for that? Because one of my strategies is to foster a sense of loyalty, which means if somebody brings somebody into our world that nobody else knows, I go out of my way to get to know that person. And it's not just because I want to show my friend I care, but because to me, that is loyalty. That is showing trust. That is showing connection. Another way that I build trust with somebody is I show up when I say I'm going to show up and I do what I say I'm going to do. And so I'm curious, you know, for you, do you show up when you say you're going to show up? Do you say what you're going to do and do it?

1:08:00Do you do what you say. I think that there's so many people in the world that have different ways of building trust. And I think that often we forget to really look at how we build trust with ourselves and with other people. Another thing that's really profound I wanted to share with you was throughout my master's in spiritual psychology, one of the topics that came up, and I think I've talked about this before, was incomplete actions, incomplete cycles of actions. They call them ICAs, ICAs. and according to research one of the best ways to trust yourself is to do what you say you're going to do so that means making commitments and making good on them so if you say you're going to lose five pounds and go to the gym every day and you stop doing that you actually hurt your relationship and your self-esteem with yourself and so I would say right now taking a look at can you even trust yourself because our life is a mirror and you can't create a partner for you that is highly trustworthy if you're not.

1:08:56And so I would say asking yourself, do you make good on the promises that you make to yourself? Do you keep the promises that you make to yourself? Or are you hurting your own self-esteem and your own belief in yourself by not honoring the things you say you're gonna do? And just really leaving you with that question, what is something you said you were gonna do that you're not making good on? And how is that damaging your self-esteem and lowering the quality of your standards for yourself and for other people in your life. So I could say a lot about John's episode, but he was so powerful and profound.

1:09:28I feel like I really have nothing to say about sexual chemistry because he's such an expert. Would love to hear what you think about this episode. And again, have to always thank you for the written iTunes reviews. They do so much for the podcast. It means so much that you're sharing it on Insta stories. You're posting it on Instagram, you're hashtagging it. I can't thank you enough for getting the word out on the show. It means the world to me. I would love to hear from you on my DMs at Ashley Stahl on the gram. Let me know what kind of episode do you want me to cover? What do you want me to talk about?

1:09:55I'm happy to record episodes that suit you, support you. And I'm just so grateful for you. All right, signing off.

1:10:19Oh, you could miss it. I'm on this journey with me.