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Podcast Episode Summary: Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Episode Title
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Episode Overview In this episode of "Creating Confidence," Heather Monahan interviews Michelle Chalfant, a licensed therapist and holistic coach, who discusses the importance of emotional intelligence, setting boundaries, and healing inner child wounds. They explore how unhealed emotional wounds manifest in everyday life and provide practical strategies for emotional growth.
Key Themes and Discussions
- Emotional Intelligence and Feelings
- Identifying Emotions: Approximately 80% of people struggle to identify their feelings and articulate what is happening in their bodies.
- Beneath Anger: They're often only aware of surface emotions, like anger, without understanding their underlying needs or feelings.
- Body Awareness: Michelle emphasizes the need to drop awareness from the mind to the body to truly connect with our emotions.
- Setting Healthy Boundaries
- Definition of Boundaries: Boundaries are about teaching others how we want to be treated. They can range from simple requests to more complex needs.
- Fear of Confrontation: Many people fear setting boundaries because they associate it with confrontation; however, boundaries can be communicated without aggression.
- Lack of Modeling: Many individuals grow up without witnessing healthy boundary-setting, leading to difficulties in adulthood.
- Inner Child Work
- Healing Abandonment: Michelle emphasizes the importance of reconnecting with one’s inner child to heal feelings of abandonment and unworthiness.
- Transformation Through Dialogue: Engaging in inner child work allows individuals to express their needs to their younger selves, fostering healing and growth.
- Triggers as Transformational Tools
- Understanding Triggers: Triggers reveal unconscious beliefs about ourselves, often formed in early childhood.
- Curiosity vs. Blame: Instead of blaming others for triggers, individuals should explore what those triggers reveal about their beliefs and past experiences.
- Healing and Growth: Acknowledging and processing emotions and triggers can lead to significant personal transformation.
- Practical Strategies for Emotional Well-being
- Padding Boundaries: When setting boundaries, it’s helpful to frame them with positive statements to minimize defensiveness.
- Communicating Vulnerability: Sharing that one is learning to set boundaries can invite collaboration and understanding in relationships.
- Emotional Regulation: Michelle advocates for emotional regulation techniques to better manage feelings and responses to triggers.
Key Takeaways
- Emotions are Not a Weakness: Emotions should be viewed as strengths that provide insights into our needs and relationships.
- Importance of Inner Child Work: Healing begins by understanding and nurturing the inner child, which can lead to healthier adult relationships.
- Curiosity Leads to Clarity: Adopting a mindset of curiosity about one’s feelings and reactions can facilitate emotional growth and deeper self-awareness.
- Practice Makes Perfect: Setting boundaries and emotional intelligence are skills that can be developed over time with practice and support.
Resources and Links
- Michelle Chalfant’s Work: Information on her book, "The Adult Chair," and other resources can be found at [theadultchair.com](http://theadultchair.com).
- Heather Monahan: For more insights and resources from Heather, visit [heathermonahan.com](http://heathermonahan.com).
Conclusion The episode highlights the significance of emotional intelligence in personal and professional growth. By understanding and addressing our emotional triggers and learning to set boundaries, we can foster healthier relationships and cultivate a more confident self.
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Feel free to add any additional notes or reflections to personalize your takeaways from the episode!
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Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Our emotions are our superpower. when we learn how to touch and feel our emotions, they become our superpower. It's where we gain our intuition. It's where we gain our needs. And we want to learn how to feel. And I'm going to say eight out of 10 people when I would ask them, Hey, what are you feeling? Like, tell me what's going on inside your body. They're like, I don't know. I feel angry. Okay. What else? And man, when we start penetrating what's going on in the body, and I say dropping down below the chin, it's like penetrating the chin. Like what's going on down here instead of here? Game changer.
0:32Game changer. We try to solve everything. We go into our ego. We try to go into the mind and fix it and change things and make you change so I don't get so triggered. No, you got to go in the body. And that's a key element of setting boundaries again. I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with us this week. Okay, here we go. We've got Michelle Chalfant, MSLPC. She's a licensed therapist, holistic life coach, and author committed to helping individuals break free from limitations and discover their true selves.
1:13As the creator of the adult chair model, she combines simple psychology with grounded spirituality to inspire personal transformation. Her podcast, the Michelle Chalfant Show, Life from the Adult Chair, has over 10 million downloads, offering practical tools and relatable insights for overcoming your challenges. Michelle's new book, The Adult Chair, Get Unstuck, Claim Your Power and Transform Your Life has just been released from New and Random House and is available now. Michelle leads transformative events, retreats and courses through the Academy of Awakening Membership and trains others in her model via the Adult Chair Coaching Certification Program, where she's creating a new generation of coaches.
1:51Michelle, thank you so much for being here today. That's a mouthful. Thanks, Heather. My gosh, an impressive background, that is for sure. All right, well, let's get into your new book because I'm so curious. A lot of people listen to the show because of work, because they're in corporate America, they're an entrepreneur, but a lot of people, I'm learning more and more, also listen to just better themselves. And one of the things that your new book really gets into is this idea of boundaries. And I feel like boundaries are applicable as a parent. Boundaries are applicable and necessary for friendships, for work, for personal romantic relationships, really through everything.
2:35So I was hoping you could start off talking a little bit about boundaries just in general. Yeah, for sure. So boundaries is a word that scares people. You know, when I saw clients for many, almost 20 years, I would, when I would say to somebody, hey, I think that you might need to set a boundary, their response, I mean, almost every time was, well, I'm not a confrontational person. You know, I can't, I'm not going to say that. Wait a minute. So I'd have to go into a definition of what the heck a boundary is. So a boundary simply teaches other people how we want to be treated, but it can also just be a simple request.
3:13Like, hey, I'd like you to pick me up a little earlier so we get to the party on time. It's just a simple request. But people are afraid. They don't want to set them. They feel guilty. They feel overwhelmed. They don't know how to set them. So yeah, so that's all the boundary is. But I find that people, you know, if we don't have modeling when we're growing up, as far as how to set boundaries, or did you witness healthy boundaries in your life? We become adults. We don't know how to do it. how often is that the case versus where people like, do you know percentages or ballpark? Like how many people really do know how to set healthy boundaries versus those that don't?
3:51Because I will tell you just thinking about this in business and parenting and in romantic, like for sure, it's definitely more challenging from where I sit right now, but I would imagine there's some people that are good at it. Of course, there are some people that good at it, but I got to tell you after doing this for over 20 years and working with people in live events, working with people in a private practice and membership, like all the places. More people than not are not great at boundaries. Now, let's talk about an entrepreneur. Let's talk about someone in business, a CEO, managing a big team.
4:24They may set a boundary through yelling, through screaming, through threatening. Those aren't healthy boundaries. Those are confrontational ways of getting people to do something that you want them to do. That's not a healthy boundary. It's not a healthy boundary. And that's how a lot of people think that boundaries go down and it's not healthy. It's not healthy. So yeah, people go, I can take care of myself. No, no, no, you don't need to do it like that. And it's not to say that boundaries need to be flowery, but a boundary might just be like, hey, Heather, you know, every week we go to this or every month we go to the supper club or we hang out with our friends.
5:02on Friday nights, you always pick me up like, can you please just pick me up early? Or hey, I don't like when you talk about my hair when we're, you know, you know, it could be anything, but it's me speaking up for myself. Instead of going to other people talking about what I want you to do, I got to go directly to you without yelling, without screaming, without threatening, without being confrontational. So I do find, I mean, I used to work with a lot of men and they'd say, my boss did this to me, or I realized I made so much so-and-so cry. I'm like, that's not a healthy boundary. Like, let's talk about how we set healthy boundaries.
5:37And it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable. If you learn, because I like that example of, you know, threatening, raising your voice, yelling. I certainly, that's how I implemented boundaries at work for most of my business career, at least in corporate America for a long time. And you find some success with it, right? Like I did really well in business. However, it's interesting now at 50 years old to reflect back on my life and say, all right, I still haven't done a great job setting healthy boundaries in my personal relationships, but I'm able to do it at work better now, right? Because I'm, for whatever reason, now it's been easier for me to like observe.
6:15I don't need to yell at people. I can do it in a calm way and I can hold people to task, even though they're not going to like it, which I've gone through that in the last couple of years, they don't like it, But, you know, I'm going to say this is, you know, what's acceptable for me. And this is what I need you to do in order to work together. And so I've learned how to do that in a pretty healthy, direct way and have success in business. However, it's still challenging and personal. And here's why is that in my mind somewhere, I still think of boundaries as confrontation. And when you love people and whether it be your best friend or your boyfriend or like whoever it is that you have all this love for that you, you genuinely feel bad being like, I can hear myself right now, the heavy hammer.
6:58So how do you speak to someone that struggles with that in their, in their personal life? How do you get them to understand that it isn't a confrontation or a need? I want to back up because it's what I find that we are not in touch with are our true needs. So really, what is the need? We go right into, I want you to stop that. But if I say to you, hey, this really makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you please stop? I'm sharing with you what I need because it feels this way. That's very different than just, again, hammering that boundary in. You know what I mean? Oh my God, I lost your question.
7:36I'm thinking about, because when you were talking, the whole time you were talking, I was like, we're really out of touch with our knees and it feels uncomfortable. I think that was your question. Why is it feel so uncomfortable? Again, we don't know how to do it. Who taught you? Who did you witness when you were growing up? Did you witness anyone that set these healthy boundaries with you? Or did you see, again, I don't know what your family was like growing up, but for me, my mom just didn't say anything. And when she tried, maybe my dad didn't listen. So she was ignored and then she just stopped.
8:04So then you go with the flow and my mom would share with me how mad she wasn't my dad. I'm like, so unhealthy, right? But my mom was doing the best that she could. But that's how we are raised. So then we become adults. And it's like, well, how am I supposed to set it? I don't know what I'm doing. So then I become like my mom did or like my dad did with me, which is I'm just going to sweep it under the carpet. I'm going to make an excuse for you and say, you didn't mean it. It's okay. I'm just going to blow it off. I'm going to brush it off. No big deal. It's not healthy. It's draining. It builds resentment.
8:33It builds internal anger toward that other person. And that resentment, although we have a smell on our face, but that resentment builds and builds and builds. And that is then when we snap at people out of left field and like, what's wrong with you having a bad day? Oh, yeah, no, I don't know what's going on. Sorry. It's hormones or it's whatever is going on. But really, it's a pile of resentment because you haven't been speaking up all this all this time. Oh, that's so true. And right. OK, so where do people begin? I know that you teach a six step method. Where do you suggest people to start when they're learning?
9:04because obviously most of us at any age are just trying to learn how to actually implement boundaries in a successful, positive way. Where should we start? We gotta start with, oh my gosh. Okay, we have to start again. I go back to the needs. Like, what do you exactly really need? I know I don't like what you're doing. Something feels off in my body. When you showed up like that, when you acted like that, when my team acted like this, it made me mad. But here's the thing. Anger is actually a defense. Think about it. If I'm mad at you and I start yelling at you, you're either going to come back at me with more anger or you're going to shut down and do what I want you to do.
9:41So anger is a great emotion, but can also be used as a defense to get you to do what I want you to do. Unhealthy boundary again. So what we want to do instead is really get in touch with what are you doing or what when I look at what you're doing or when I experience what you're doing, what does it make me feel? Again, this is not like airy fairy or mushy. It's like, gosh, you know, it really makes me feel like I'm not seen or I'm not heard or I'm invisible. So we want to start with getting in touch with what the heck I'm feeling. And then I share that with you. I share that piece with you like, hey, Heather, I realize, you know, when you treat me that way, I feel invisible.
10:20It makes me feel invisible. Can we have a conversation about this? Can you please stop? Can you please stop saying that to me? So we don't know what we feel. We know to use just anger or we sweep it under the carpet. And we need to find that other way. And the third door is let's start getting in touch with really what's going on underneath the anger and dive a little bit into that resent and go, what the heck am I resentful for? Why are they irritating me? There's something in the irritation. And we need to learn how to turn toward the thing that's irritating us, the thing that's making us resentful, that person, that thing.
10:53Get in touch within ourselves as far as what's going on. And then we share that. And that goes back to even deeper, Heather. We don't know what we're feeling. Our emotions are our superpower. I look at high, I used to work with high-powered CEOs. I worked with movie stars. I worked with people that were in, when I lived in Nashville for 13 years. I had big executives come in. I had all kinds of people that would come in. When we learn how to touch and feel our emotions, they become our superpower. It's where we gain our intuition. It's where we gain our needs. And we want to learn how to feel.
11:31And I'm going to say eight out of 10 people when I would ask them, hey, what are you feeling? Like, tell me what's going on inside your body. They're like, I don't know. I don't know. I feel angry. Okay, what else? And man, when we start penetrating what's going on in the body, and I say dropping down below the chin, it's like penetrating the chin. Like what's going on down here instead of here? Game changer. Game changer. We try to solve everything. We go into our ego. We try to go into the mind and fix it and change things and make you change so I don't get so triggered. No, you got to go in the body.
12:05And that's a key element of setting boundaries again. So that's really about tuning into yourself and hearing what really is triggering, bothering you and underneath the maybe surface anger. Triggers are one of my favorite things to talk about. And here's why. Okay. Triggers reveal our unknown or unconscious beliefs about ourselves. So if, like we just said, like what? Yeah. So if, here it is, if I trigger you, if I say something or do something or don't say or do something, whatever it might be, I don't care who it is outside of you. what is actually happening is there's a belief inside of you that's rising up and it's presented to you almost on a silver platter if you're willing to look and that belief and we all every single human has these beliefs everybody does and here's what's crazy they're formed usually by the age of three to six at the latest we all have something like i'm not lovable i'm not good enough i'm bad I don't matter.
13:14I'm not seen. Nobody listens to me. We all have that. Now, maybe I have a deeper feeling of I'm not lovable and you may have I'm bad more. Again, we're all a little different in that way. But we've all got that, those beliefs. We don't know what they are because they're not in the conscious mind. They're sitting in the unconscious mind. The reason they're in the unconscious mind, who the hell wants to feel them? So we, when we're little, we drop them down into the unconscious mind. So when we're triggered, those beliefs are rising up within us. And if we're willing to take a look at what it is that is rising up within us, we actually can start healing and turning those beliefs around.
13:52And then we stop getting so triggered. We stop getting so angry. We stop having so much emotional dysregulation. We can start having more ease in our bodies. We have more peace. We have more happiness. But most people, what happens is when they get triggered, they blame the person that is triggering them. They yell at them. They get pissed. They tell them off and they go tell all their friends, like, can you believe so-and-so did that to me? All the things. And then all the friends and family validate you. And that beautiful belief that was sitting right there for you to look at, for you to transform, drops down below the surface back into the unconscious mind and it just sits there again.
14:36So instead, what we want to do is get curious about what the heck is coming up for me, that is mine, and start working on that belief. Triggers are transformational. Getting curious, just so adult, right? Reacting and responding with emotion, like you said, based off our subconscious or past behavior or whatever it may be is much more childlike becoming a grown evolved adult which I'm not saying is easy at all definitely on that path some days some days not so much but when you come from a place of curiosity you know wait a minute hmm I'm confused why am I acting like this right now and it's interesting when you were explaining that I was thinking about a dynamic years ago in corporate America I was in a toxic work environment.
15:24And a woman that I worked alongside with triggered me all of the time. And I would put me in a tailspin and I would tell everybody about, you know, you know how awful she and everyone of course would agree because she was terrible, but it didn't fix anything, right? It just created more upset, more angst, more of a toxic environment. I stayed working in the environment, right, which is even crazier. But it's so interesting now to think of I didn't approach it from a place of curiosity, I definitely approached it from a place of pointing a finger out instead of pointing the finger within. Yeah, and it's not about and I love that you said that that's a great classic example.
16:06But when people are pointing the finger within, I really want to stress this point, it's not about judging yourself ever. It's about looking inward with curiosity. That's all it is. Like, huh, I wonder what this is, what's going on here. I remember years ago, I was working with a group of people and there was a girl that had, a woman that had, she was a nurse. She'd been a nurse for 15 some years. And the nurse, the charge nurse, the main nurse on the floor, she said, she goes, she's such a bitch. I can't stand her. She irritates me. And you're telling me this is mine. I said, I sure am. I'm telling you this is all yours.
16:40Because here's the thing. People can do mean things. Let me clear this up. If you do something, if I'm waiting for a parking spot, I'm going to Whole Foods or something, and I'm waiting for this parking spot, and you come ripping it in your car and you take my spot, I'm going to be angry. And we're like, what the hell? I've been sitting here for five minutes. Like, why are you taking my spot? If I go in Whole Foods and I'm still thinking about it 15 minutes later, that's a trigger. So if you carry it with you and you can't stop thinking about it, you can't stop talking about it, that's a belief that's rising up to the consciousness saying, hey, you want to work with me or not?
17:15but sometimes we're just angry because someone does something mean, but if there's no trigger, if there's nothing to work with, you kind of forget about and you move on. But let me get back to the story. So this woman came up in front of the, she got up on stage with me. I said, okay, what's going on? Anyway, I'm not going to bore you with all the details, but so fascinating because she had a coworker there with her. And she says, I have to admit, she's like this nurse manager or charge nurse or whatever she was, whoever managed the whole floor. She goes, she's horrible to everybody. She goes, I'm telling you, I just think it's her.
17:45And I said, if you didn't have a belief around whatever she's making you feel, she wouldn't bother you. I'm telling you right now, she wouldn't bother you. And so I worked with this girl up on stage and she said, what came out of it was this nurse was making her feel unseen and discounted. and it went back to how her stepmother made her feel when her father married her stepmother when she was seven six or seven years old and she sat up on stage with me she was sobbing because i said how does this woman it was it took i'm not kidding you heather five or ten minutes to get to the root of it i mean this stuff doesn't take long we just aren't used to going inside and looking and i said you know what is coming up when you think about this nurse this charge nurse how does it make you feel?
18:35Well, I angry. She's a bitch. I said, go under it, go under it, go under it, go under it. And we can hit the root. I'm discounted. I'm not seen. I said, who does that make you feel like? Or who does that make you think of? And she said, my stepmother. I said, feel that. She felt that she was sobbing, sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. And she says, I'm discounted. Nobody loves me. My father does not defend me. My stepmother is like a monster. She's horrible. I said, okay, So is it true that in the body you are today, and I don't remember, she might have been in her 40s or something like that. She was probably in her 40s.
19:08And she said, I said, is it true that you are still discounted? And this is how you do a trigger. You go through and you ask yourself today, in the year, whatever year it is today, is this still true that you are, whatever you're feeling, unseen, unknown, unlovable, all the things. And she says, well, no, I'm not discounted. You know, I'm married. My husband loves me. My kids love me. And her best friend was there with her. And she goes, and my best friend loves me. And I turned to her best friend. I go, does she, do you love her? She says, I adore her. I said, okay. I said, now feel that to the woman on stage.
19:41I said, feel that emotion. What does that feel like? She goes, no, I'm not discounted anymore. I said, okay. What are you instead? I said, feel the answer. Don't think it, feel it. She says, I'm really accepted by so many people. Really have a lot of people that love me. I said, feel that. When you feel something versus thinking it, It anchors a new belief in your system. Oh my God, Heather, I can still see this lady. This was like a five-week course I was teaching. She leaves, she feels fine. And she goes, well, the rubber will meet the road when I go back to work. She goes, I'm going back to work in two days.
20:15I said, okay, cool. I kid you not, this woman goes back to work. She looks at that charge nurse. She has no angst, nothing. And I think when I was doing this course, it was many, like 10, 15 years ago, I remember her, maybe it was like a week or two before we met again. She comes back and her friend came in with her and she goes, I'm not kidding you, Michelle. She actually likes the charge nurse. She goes, she hated her. She goes, I hated this woman for years. She goes, I actually like her now. She goes, there's nothing there. And I said, yeah, because the trigger is gone. so that's the power of this work that most humans don't walk around this planet understanding that these beliefs are within them and when we work with them that's how quickly we can transform I have the whole trigger process in the adult share book like I break it down so simply all you gotta do is plug in whatever your issue is and I promise you you can transform it it is that simple I've done this for 20 years now it's that easy no joke and there's not anyone that you can't help with this?
21:23Nobody. I'm not kidding you, Heather. It's that easy. But we, again, how many of your friends and family, how often do people call you and go, Heather, you're not going to believe what happened. Do they ever say, hey, so-and-so got really pissed at me. We just had an argument. Heather, can you just sit and listen and help me find whatever that belief is within me? I think there's something inside of me. Most people don't do that, right? But what I'm hoping for is this like big paradigm shift around this because we need to. It is empowering and it transforms our lives and it creates emotional stability and it helps us to set better boundaries.
22:05All the things, all the things, but we don't know how to do that while we weren't taught. We're not taught that kind of stuff in school for God's sake. We were taught AP physics, but we don't know how to handle our lives. You know, we don't know how to manage lives, But honest to God, Heather, it is that simple. The process is simple. Again, when people start doing it, they're like, well, you know, I feel like I'm hating myself. And I know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not hating ourselves. We're getting curious about what's going on in here. That's what we're doing. That's all we're doing.
22:35It's a different line of questioning. Totally. That's it. And people are blown away. They're like, oh, my God, I was so angry. but when I went under the anger, I didn't know that it was because I was feeling not lovable. I've never had that conscious thought in my whole life, yet I've been walking around my whole life, obviously picking partners, picking jobs, avoiding boundaries, all the things, because I'm walking around feeling like I'm unlovable. I had no idea. Everything exists, or let me say this, 90 to 95 % of how we live is based on the programming in the subconscious mind. We don't even know it.
23:13We know what's just going on up here. Five to 10 % is the conscious mind. It's the tip of the iceberg. The iceberg is where the meat is. It's no different than we program our phones. We pull apps up. We got all these outdated apps. We'd have to update things. That's all that it is. Do we just need updating? So just to recap, we need to get curious about what's underlying or it's triggering us to begin with. let's start asking more questions around what's underlying the anger, the upset, the fear, whatever it may be, get to that root problem question, not blaming ourselves, but again, trying to understand where it stems from and then challenge that to see if that's a truth today.
23:56Yep. You're dropping down. You dropped out. If you think about your beliefs or emotions being stacked, the first one is anger. Let's just pretend like, okay, I'm angry that that person said or did that to me. Okay, great. What might be under the anger? Just get curious. Like, what is it? And then people go, oh, that's so weird. I'm feeling like a loser. I don't, where'd that come or I'm feeling frustrated. Okay. What's under the frustration? Well, what's under that and what's under that? And then you'll find your way to the root or the bottom and you'll say to yourself, oh my God, I really feel like I'm unlovable.
24:30It's so weird that I'm feeling that way. And then you ask yourself, is this a familiar feeling from the past? Right? Oh, yeah. You know what? When my father left, when I was five years old, my father died, my father left, my mother had cancer and was in the hospital all the time, I felt really abandoned. And I realized this feeling that I'm having right now because of my boyfriend breaking up with me or my husband leaving me or whatever it is, is reminding me the feeling I'm having right now is reminding me of what I felt when my father left when I was five. Wow. Okay, cool. There's the root. Feel it.
25:05We're not great at feeling our emotions. Like I said before, like we're not great at getting in the body and actually feeling what's going on. Then you ask yourself, okay, is it still true today that I'm unlovable in 2025? Is it still true today? And some people will look at me. I remember it's my clients and ago. Yes, it is. Okay, really? Okay, so does anybody love you? No, nobody loves me. Does your dog love you? Yes. So some there's some, there's an energy that does love you. There's a dog that loves you. So you can't say that. So how does it? Yes, my mother loves me, my best friend, whomever it is.
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25:37So let's say it's your best friend. Okay. Feel that. How do you know that they love you? Oh, they're there for me. They treat me well, yada, yada. Okay, cool. Can you allow yourself to feel that? What does that feel like in the body? We want to drop everything below the body. When we drop chin down, that's where everything changes. Most humans try to navigate life, what I call chin up. It's very head-based. Nothing changes in the head. Nothing changes. When we say, I'm just going to stop doing that, you can't stop doing that. We live based on programs, right? So if the program is saying, you name it, like I'm never going to work out, I hate working out.
26:13It's really hard to go work out, right? Or exercise sucks. You can't do that mentally. You might do it for like a week or two and then you go back to like, screw it. I'm not working out. I don't want to do it anymore. You got to change the program. That's the limiting belief. When you change those, everything changes.
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30:08So I want to share it with you. I was at this dinner with a bunch of women that I did not know. One of the women I knew very well, but I didn't know anyone else. Anyhow, I ended up sitting next to Miss World, literally the most beautiful woman in the entire world. And then one of my dearest friends is on the other side. We were talking about relationships and I bring up a guy that I've been dating and what's going on. My dear friend knows the whole situation very well. This other woman has no clue, right? When we don't know her at all. And so my dear friend is much like me, a lot of baggage, like working through it now in life, trying to figure it out.
30:40I don't know this other woman. And so turns out she's very happily married, very mature. And, but we don't know we're sitting there. And so my friend and I are laughing, like, this is just crazy. Listen to what's happening, you know, justifying a situation that I'm talking about in my personal romantic life and questioning it and challenging it and saying like, this is awful and judging it and, you know, just making comments about it. And it was so interesting. She stopped both of us and said, huh, what about the idea of just coming from a place of unconditional love and acceptance? And my friend and I were like, what are you talking about?
31:13Like, what is that? I don't even understand what you're talking about. That immediately, my mind immediately went to my child, which is I come from a place of unconditional love and acceptance all the time with my child. So much so that that's right where my brain went to. And it was really hard to understand what she was saying, because for me, that's been the example of unconditional love and acceptance in my life. And so I had to ultimately say that to her. And then my friend jumped in and said, cause she's not crazy like us, Heather, we're, we're trying to protect ourselves all the time and out of fear and she's more mature than us so how does that how do boundaries play into that into love unconditional like how does that all work which which part how does which part work the whole thing to me it seems so simple to wrap my arms around the idea of unconditional love acceptance no fear and creating boundaries with my child, but in romantic relationships, much more challenging, not so challenging for business.
32:13It's just interesting to me, the dichotomy of like, we're the same individual and person can understand one area very clearly and then have a gray area for here and then really say this part's harder for me. Yeah, for sure. Well, our romantic partnerships bring up so much of our stuff. It's a playground for just working on our personal wounding. So you said you had a child, right? And it's easier to set boundaries with your child. Yes. They're not going to leave you. They're not going to go anywhere. They're yours. They belong to you. Your partner is not someone that may stay. They may go. They may leave you.
32:51So that in itself, there's fear present. There's fear present, right? There's, uh-oh, can I trust that you're going to stay? I don't know. Can I trust that? I would look again at what's coming up for you at the idea. We can do it right now if you want, like what's coming up for you at the idea of setting boundaries or sharing your reality with your partner, with this guy. Is it a guy you're dating? I mean, you're not, you're not engaging. It's just someone you're dating, right? Okay. So what comes up for you at the idea of becoming more vulnerable with them, him right now? Like what comes up for you?
33:26Like opening up a little bit more, just a little bit more and sharing a little bit more. What comes up? What feeling inside? What thoughts? Fear of being left. There it is. Fear of being left. Okay. Do you want to do this? Oh, yeah. I'm always open to do anything. Okay. Let's go, girl. So fear of being left. So where does that show up in your body when you think about I'm afraid of being left? in my heart what's it feel like painful how do you know it hurts so if your heart could speak what would it say to you give it a voice let it speak that's it that's like a sad that's a sad conversation yeah yeah so fear of being left who's afraid of being left?
34:22So let yourself answer that question. If you realize that you are actually a collection of parts, all different ages that are existing within us. You've got your little inner child part, you've got a teenager part, you've got an adult part and everything in between zero to however old you are today. So who or what part of you is saying to you, I'm afraid of being left? what age comes up for you when you think about that little a child yeah yeah yeah like zero to six like four yeah yeah like four years old okay was was she left when you were four oh yeah for sure yeah so are you able to see her or hear her like when you think about little you that's four this little you i see an image you get you see an image okay where is she she's so cute she's in a hospital.
35:17I was a pretty cute kid. So she's in the hospital doing what? She's having her appendix out. Wow. Okay. So, so keep going. So when did she feel like she was afraid of being left around that experience? There's so many. When my mother left my biological father, when my mother left me at my grandparents' house, when my mother was gone all the time, working three jobs. Like we were left many, many times. Ooh. Okay. I'm going to ask you a question. So go with the first thought that comes to you. Ready? What's the earliest memory you have of being left? My mother leaving my father. So really it felt like my father leaving us.
36:02So your mother left your father and it felt like your father leaving you. Great. Do you get an image of the little girl that feels this way? Yeah. Okay. Is she still in the hospital or somewhere else? In the house. Okay. What is she doing? Hiding. Okay. Can you be you, the woman you are today, the mother you are today, right? Who's, I don't know, I'm going to make it up because I don't know you, but strong, solid, and unconditionally loving. Would you say you are? Yeah, check, check, and check. Perfect. Go, if you can, in your mind's eye, just imagine being with that little four-year-old you that's in the house, and her mother left your father, but it felt like your father left.
36:45Just go be with her. Do you see yourself in the house? Yes. Okay. Does she see you, the woman you are today, and the adult you are today? Yes. So in your mind, just say to her, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. And I'm the grownup version of you. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah. That's my heart. Yeah. And what, what happens next? Well, she's so happy. Yeah. Yeah. So ask her what she needs. Just, just, if you want to kneel, imagine yourself kneeling down or getting on the floor, then just say to her little darling or whatever you want to say to her, what do you need? I know how you're feeling.
37:31What do you need? And then what does she say back? Just go with the first thought that comes to you. To be held, to feel safe. Great. So go ahead and hold her. So imagine yourself holding her and say, I'm here. I will never leave you. I will never leave you. And I'm safe with you. I will create safety. Whatever words she needs here, go ahead and say that to her. And then what happens next? she's happy so ask her if she'd like to come with you to where you live right now oh heck yeah okay so so imagine just imagine beaming yourself here like like way in the old days like the Jetsons just just go bling and there you are you know magic we can take her from that house where you grew up and bring her to where you are right now and she can just go off in your bedroom and say I'm just going to finish this podcast interview and I'll be with you and here's some whatever, crayons or whatever she wants to play with, paper and give her a little puppy or a cat or something to play with and say, I love you so much.
38:34I'm so happy you're here. I promise you, I will never leave you. Yeah, that's such a good feeling. So what happens to your heart now? My heart feels full. Yeah. So if you were my client, I would say to you, this is now the work moving forward. This is your homework, continue to check in with her. Continue to check in with her because at the root of you connecting with a partner has been in the past, not now, we just did this work. You just did beautiful work. So I want to say thank you. I know it was a vulnerable thing. But at the root of you attempting to have a healthy relationship with another human was I have a fear of being left.
39:22how in the world are you going to connect with someone authentically unconditionally and how are you going to attract someone in that can actually connect with you in a deep way if you've got that belief yeah that's so interesting because and this is work that i've been doing that's separate from this this is super enlightening but i've been doing different work around like feminine and masculine energy and finding out that a lot of having masculine energy is just to protect yourself from people. So you're attracting more of what you don't want and who you really are. And so it's so, and I wanted to talk to you about that, but now it's kind of all coming together and making sense that you're not really showing up and being that authentic version of who you are.
40:04If your whole life is around protecting yourself. Absolutely. You've got walls. You're showing up in a relationship with walls because that little kid inside of you has been trying to protect herself from, from being left. So I don't know what you're like in relationships. We don't have to keep going here, but just knowing that, think about how you then show up in relationships. Like, is there anxiety? Is there like, oh my God, they're going to leave me. Ask yourself this, what do I do that's not authentic in order to make sure they don't leave? Do I not say things? Do I not set boundaries? Do I get too clingy?
40:41Do I, and this is, again, this is a very general thing that humans just do. if I've got an abandonment, I'm just going to, if I generalize this, if it's an abandonment wound, which I would say that you have in some way, again, I don't want to not use the words that you use or being left. It's like, I'm going to manipulate. And this sounds like a bad word, but it's not. I'm going to manipulate and control the relationships out there that I have because I'm trying not to get left. So it's not a bad thing. I don't want you to, for a second, to judge yourself, but you're trying not to get left. There's a part inside of you that is programmed to be left.
41:19So then what happens is the ego builds parts around that little vulnerable child and says, I will make sure that you never get left. I'm going to make sure that so-and-so calls me all the time or texts me all the time, or I know where they are, you know, whatever it is. I don't know what you do, but this is a general thing. A lot of humans will do this in relationships, but they're being driven by this little kid inside that's afraid to be left. Wow. And it's shocking how that bleeds over into work relationships, into friendship. I mean, I can just like think of immediately so many different situations.
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43:25I remember working with this guy and oh my gosh, he just wanted to be wanted. That was his core wound. He was an unplanned pregnancy, right? So his mother had him out of wedlock, had him. He was not wanted. And he spent his whole life in relationships with women overdoing, over everything. And he was Mr. Nice Guy. And I said to him, you've got to show up authentically. So we had to go in and work with that little boy. I love inner child work. We went in and worked with that little boy and helped him to get unstuck because he didn't feel wanted. Do you think he set boundaries? Do you think he spoke up for himself?
44:04Hell no. He was Mr. Nice Guy. So I said, you can't even show up authentically in relationships. I don't care if it's at work or not. He had issues with his boss. He couldn't speak up because he was so afraid of getting fired, of, again, not being wanted, not being nice. but when we went in and worked with that little boy and actually worked with him feeling wanted and knowing like okay you can repair that wound we can reparent any part of ourselves you just reparented your little girl and the more you do the homework and check in with her for 30 seconds to a minute a day or every other day just say hey little sweetheart or whatever word you want to use hey little heather i'm here i love you i'm still here i'm not going anywhere that little part of you is going to learn, I'm not left.
44:51I'm safe, actually. I love it here. This part is checking in with me. This adult Heather, I like her. I love her. I feel good. I'm not going to be left. I guarantee you, and I guarantee it 100%, you will attract in someone different, or maybe you'll stay with this person. You will speak up for yourself. You will be happy. You will be more relaxed in relationships. Your whole world will change. Again, we're changing the inner programming that limiting belief that is walking and inside of you that you're walking around with all day every day it's crazy but this guy once we worked with that little boy oh my god he went from not being able to speak up but he was a badass at work I'm talking like president of sales like he was amazing couldn't speak up he was amazing he then changed everything changed he became the CEO like it went on and on.
45:43It was amazing. He changed who he even attracted in relationships because he was stronger. It was crazy. It's like a domino effect, you know? Right. That domino effect is one of the most interesting parts for me because, and I remember this even back, I was fired from my job where I told you I was working in a toxic environment, right? Didn't know, I wasn't aware of it at the time. I just thought it was normal, you know, whatever. Anyhow, I was accepted. and I was fired from that job, and it took a little bit of time to get my footing, but once I did, I realized, wait a minute, I'm so much happier.
46:17Wait a minute, that whole situation was not healthy, actually, and it helped me change on some level limiting beliefs that I had, this idea that I wanted to start setting boundaries in business because I realized I hadn't before. I had some realizations, and then it was within a year I ended my engagement at the time. I changed how I felt about everything, like the domino effect that happened at that point in time in my life, seven years ago, like nothing I've ever seen before. And it was from getting out of one negative environment and then saying, hang on, like, what does this say about me? And like, what role did I have?
46:53And asking the curiosity questions, like you said, you know, really sitting with it and getting into it. And I didn't really have any help with it other than life, like help me, you know, and figuring that out. But there is such a domino effect that I want everyone who's listening to know this is so real. I've only seen it in that one aspect of my life, but hearing this right now from you just reminds me of it, that when you start stepping into who you're really meant to be, and I think it's a journey for everybody at different times in your life, you're going to figure out different things, but the more you really step into that real version of you, which I learn more and more, that version for me is love and openness and unconditional love, but I tried to hide it for so long, which as you now know, because we just talked about it because my childhood, the more I step into that, the more right people come to me, the more right clients come to me, the more better creative ideas come to me, the more you feel peace and without anxiety, wherever you are, because suddenly, you don't have to wear a mask.
47:51You don't even like you don't even know that stuff's happening. But you just start living. And it's just it's an incredible, but gosh, and I didn't realize all that could go back to boundaries as well. Absolutely. I love that. And that is where I go into trusting everything that's happening and everything is happening for us, not to us. Right. When we say, why did this happen to me? Instead of why did this happen? Or possibly why did this happen for me? It takes us from victim to empowered. And you went there, you went to the empowered place and said, wow, look at all these beautiful things that happen.
48:27Again, this is not a religious thing, but I firmly believe that our soul is going to set us up for all these things so we can grow, so we can crack our masks and drop and shed those masks so that we can live more authentically. So when we get fired, when we get broken up with, when all these things that we think are quote unquote bad happen, ask yourself, I wonder why this happened for me. Because when we sit around and say, why this happened to me? I don't know. We're so stuck in victim, you can't see your way out of it. Instead of why did I wonder why this happened for me? You can even feel the energy of that.
49:03It's like, wow, I feel empowered. It's not an invitation to judge anybody or especially yourself, but it's like, oh, I get it. Now I get it. I needed to lose this mask. I needed a new job. I couldn't even see it at the time. That was a toxic environment. I needed to get out of there and I wasn't leaving. It happened for me. How perfect is that? Even though it doesn't feel like very perfect at the time, it certainly is a blessing, much easier to see in hindsight, for sure. Okay, so what else do we need to share with people? How about when a boundary doesn't go over well with someone, right? Because someone who's on this path like I am, right, that's saying, okay, now I'm going to go back to this relationship and I'm going to start implementing boundaries.
49:44Well, now you're treating somebody differently. There's a good chance they're going to kick back. How do you handle that? Yeah, well, you asked a couple different questions. So one thing is when you are starting to set boundaries and you're not quite sure how it's going to go over, I suggest putting what I call padding. And I write about this all in the book, in the adult chair book. It's like we pad the boundaries. OK, so on either end of the boundary, I'm going to say, hey, Heather, I really love our friendship and I love that we can share everything with each other, which is why I want to talk to you about what happened last Saturday.
50:17I would love it if you would. da da da da da. So thank you so much for listening to me. I love our relationship. So it's like on the beginning and the end, it's like a sandwich sort of thing. You know, like in work, when you're giving someone a review, it's like pro con, pro con. We want to sandwich it with some positives. So if you're in a partnership, you'd say, hey, I am learning a lot about you. You're vulnerable. We need to learn how to get more vulnerable in our relationships and really share what's going on from our heart. Again, not airy fairy. It just is. But to say like, hey, I'm really working on boundaries.
50:49And I'd like to bring this into our relationship, but I want to learn how to do boundaries in a really healthy way. Would you like to join me in this process? Yeah, I want to become more healthy with you, of course. Okay, cool. So give me some grace because I'm going to be clumsy when I do it. I mean, think about a little kid learning how to walk. They're going to fall down. We don't yell at that little kid when they're a year old. We give them grace. So when we're learning boundaries, we start with people that are safe or safer. And we let them know I'm learning how to do this. And I want you, Heather, to be able to give me to set boundaries with me.
51:21And I want to be able to do that with you. This is a muscle we both need to work on. Yes, yes. Cool. All right, let's go. Here's what I'm going to set with you. So that's how we start setting boundaries where it might be uncomfortable. I'm vulnerable. I'm going to pad it. I'm going to tell you again how great you are and how much I cherish our relationship. And then I set the boundary. I speak up for what I'm looking for, for what I want. Oh, I love that. And yes, the sandwich strategy works so well whenever in work as any type of leadership position, you start with a compliment, you address the challenge or potential solution that you have for someone that you're asking them to address.
51:57And then you close again with a positive to help leave it on strong note. I never thought about applying that anywhere else, but it makes perfect sense to do when, like you said, you're starting guardrails for the boundaries when you're starting to put those in with someone new, that would be a lot more palatable and probably even easier to understand and stomach for somebody. Totally. And I say this people typically, like, if I say to you, Hey, Heather, I need to talk to you later. Are you around? How do you feel? You're like, Oh gosh, what did I do? Like, Oh crap. Michelle's so mad at me. It's like, or Hey Heather, or if I text you, which is worse, texting puts people in fight or flight.
52:36When my clients would come in and they're like, I'm just going to text so-and-so and let them know how I feel. I'm like, do not text. You've got to do it over the phone or in person. You don't text boundaries over the phone. No, no, no, no, no, no. But if I say to you, Hey, I need to talk to you later. You're like, Oh God, what did I do? I'm in trouble versus, Hey Heather, you know, I want to share with you, blah, blah, blah later. Are you free at four o 'clock? Yeah, sure. So we really want to make sure that people are what I call putting down their swords and shields and doing the sandwich, it takes the defenses down.
53:11It's like, hey, I just, I've got some things I'm learning. I want to share them with you later today. Are you free? You know, let's go out and have a coffee and we'll chit chat about it. Are you free? Yeah, sure. And your defenses are down. So the padding helps you to drop your defenses if you and I are going to have a conversation. Yeah. Oh my God, that's such excellent advice, Michelle. Listen, you are just chock full of solutions for people changing people's lives. Okay, so everybody needs to know, where can they find the adult chair? Yeah, go get the book. Just Google the adult chair. Google the, or excuse me, Google, go to the adult chair website and you will see everything there is to know.
53:50I do live events. I do online courses. The book is there. The book is at theadultchair.com forward slash book. You can buy it anywhere in the world because I have a lot of people like outside of the US that want the book. So you can get all those links there too. And yeah, this book has all of it in there. It's got the triggers, it's got the boundaries, it's got everything that you need in order to live your life as a healthy adult. It's got inner child work. Everything you and I did today is in the book. I mean, that's incredible. And really the book is for anyone because everybody's got to find a way to put boundaries in place in every aspect of their life.
54:26Oh my God. We are trying to get this model in schools because again, we, I mean, I know with my kids, I did the same thing. I'm like, you got to take the APs. You got to take the college credit in high school and all this crap. I'm like, these kids are graduating from high school. They don't know how to emotionally regulate themselves. When my boys were in high school, like their friends had so much anxiety. Everyone's on ADHD meds. It's like, what is going on? These kids are needing help. And so more importantly, the parents need to learn this, but also like give this book to kids because it's broken down so simply.
55:02Anybody can learn how to do this. Anybody. But that's the problem is we don't know. Like I said, how do you set a healthy boundary? Who teaches this? We need to learn this in high school. Well, I'm so grateful you're doing the work you're doing. I'm so grateful for the book, for your podcast, for everything that you're doing to help make the world a better place. Thank you for creating the book. Thank you for creating it all. And thanks for being here today, Michelle. Thank you so much for having me. It's been so fun. All right, guys, until next week, keep creating your confidence. You know I will be.
55:33I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're going to hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably, something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while You could miss it I'm on this journey with me
From the publisher
Did you know that 80% of people don’t know how to identify their feelings? In this episode, I sit down with Michelle Chalfant, licensed therapist, holistic coach, and creator of The Adult Chair model. She talks about the real root of your triggers, why most people don’t know how to set boundaries, and how your subconscious programming shapes everything from your romantic relationships to your leadership style. We dive into a powerful inner child process LIVE on this episode to break down how unhealed wounds show up in everyday life and tangible ways to rewire them. Get ready to feel seen, heard, and validated into the MOST emotionally FREE version of YOU. Remember, your emotions are not a weakness—they're YOUR superpower.
In This Episode, You Will Learn
00:00 Why were most of us never taught how to set healthy boundaries?
07:00 How childhood modeling impacts your adult emotional patterns.
12:15 What your emotional triggers are actually trying to show you.
17:00 The unconscious belief systems formed before age 6.
24:30 How to reconnect with your inner child to heal abandonment.
29:00 LIVE demonstration of healing the “fear of being left”.
35:00 Why are romantic relationships the biggest mirror for your emotional wounds?
38:45 How reparenting your inner child transforms your confidence and relationships.
44:45 What to do when someone resists your new boundaries.
Resources + Links
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