Marisa Peer | Everything Changes When You Believe You're Enough | Extraordinary Life Stories

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1:00Marisa Peer:You never manifest what you want, you manifest what you think you're worth. So before you start manifesting again, you've got to do that, I'm worth it, I'm worth it, I'm worth it. Tell me, who is Marissa Peer? So Marissa Peer is someone that changed the face of therapy and put the I'm Enough movement into schools all over the world. That's what I'm most proud of. What a way to start. In the school system, you know, of course every school wants to centre and out with very high academic results. but I have always known being a head teacher's daughter that if you raise a child's self, they seem academic, they do better.

1:35Makes so much sense.

1:36Marisa Peer:If you say to an alcoholic, look, you don't need to drink, have a cup of tea, they look at you like you're utterly insane because that's logical. The emotion is winning. So you can't logically say to someone, you shouldn't eat doughnuts, you need to have fruit. Well, they already know that. If you understand your emotions, you can change them. You've had clients and have clients that are absolute superstar sports people footballers, athletes, film stars. What is your definition of success? Because you've had so many successful people that you've dealt with that aren't often happy. And I would also say to my clients, success is not never failing, it's how quickly do you get back up?

2:11Marisa Peer:Because I've failed a lot at many things. But it's not, gosh, I failed, it's can I get back up?

2:28Sorry to interrupt. I've never asked this before, but if you can subscribe and follow, that will allow me to keep bringing extraordinary guests onto the show. Now let's get back to it. Marissa, welcome.

2:43Marisa Peer:Thank you. I feel like I'm going to learn so much from this conversation. Really looking forward to it. Me too. Tell me, who is Marissa Peer? so marissa peer is someone that changed the face of therapy and put the i'm enough movement into schools all over the world that's what i'm most proud of what a way to start yeah proper change maker i hope so and what was you know for anyone watching listening for context what what did you change what was that whole shift in the school system you know of course every school wants to center now with very high academic results but I have always known being a head teacher's daughter that if you raise a child's self-esteem academically they do better so you have to bypass let's make these kids academically great and go on to let's work on their self-esteem let's work on their emotional resilience because then they will always do better academically makes so much sense and it's the job of the school to raise a child's self-esteem but they would never tell you that but that is their job and it's also the job of a parent.

3:43Marisa Peer:If you raise a kid on organic food and they speak Mandarin and they have low self-esteem, then you have failed, sadly. Your job is to raise your kid's self-esteem above everything else, apart from keeping them safe. What were the fundamental ingredients of doing that? Raising a child's self-esteem? Well, actually, you know, to be a great parent only requires really three things. Assuming you know that you're lucky enough to have a home and food, but the biggest thing is to be present with your kids that's all they want be present in an age of phones and computers we're really less present than ever you know i had to come home from school and my mum would talk to me but now mum's on the phone on the ipad everyone's on the phone so your first role is am i being present with my kid not every minute but if you can say for an hour in the morning an hour in the evening i am fully present with my kid that is the best gift you can ever give them.

4:37Marisa Peer:The second is apologize a lot because children do something interesting. They take ownership. I mean, if you're a dad and you're an alcoholic, my dad's always drinking because I don't make him happy. My mom is always at work. I guess she must like work more than me. So children take ownership problem. And if you can say, darling, today, daddy was a bit cranky. Mommy was having her period. Mommy was distracted. It was not your fault, you stop them owning it. Because owning it is a huge one. Once a kid owns it, I'm not enough, that's why my dad doesn't visit. I'm not enough, that's why my mom is always angry.

5:14Marisa Peer:Once they own it, they don't suddenly at 25 unown it. They take it with them their entire life. I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy enough, I'm not smart enough. You name it, there's so many ways to feel not enough. But when you can own the stuff, today I wasn't very patient. Today I didn't get home in time to be with you, then they won't own it. Because sadly, if a parent appears not to love their child, the child does not stop loving them. They stop loving themselves. So you've got to make sure they don't stop loving themselves and know that you're a flawed person because I'm flawed, you're flawed.

5:50Marisa Peer:We're all flawed parents raising flawed kids and it's called being flawsome. And it's good to be flawsome. When you say I'm flawed, your kids are allowed to be flawed too. If you're perfect, that's a terrible curse for a child to be raised by. You know, so many famous people like Bing Croswell at Disney had children who killed themselves. Even poor Newman's son committed suicide because it can be overwhelming to have a parent who appears to be perfect. So that's the second thing. And the third thing is praise your kids specifically. You're so good at listening to grandma. You're so good at taking the door.

6:25Marisa Peer:You're so good at colouring or drawing. Don't say you're great. Tell them why they're great. That really helps them find their gift. So just three things. Be present. Apologise a lot. Don't make them own your stuff. And praise them for what they're gifted at as much as you can. Thank you for sharing that. That's all you have to do, really. I'm a dad to 14 and 16 year old daughters. So that being present, And it's something I pride myself having done for the majority of their childhood, the last couple of years, where they're much more involved in messaging friends on the phone, which takes them away.

7:03And then I've been busier using social media more than I've ever done. And that's my form of communication. So that kind of advice of at least making an hour, maybe the morning, evening, because otherwise I'd hands up admit it. couple of days have gone by where i'm like i haven't seen them for sure 15 years there's always been a key part of my day to spend time with the kids but suddenly it's like and as a dad of daughters you are the first male role model so you've got to tell them you're beautiful any boy is lucky to have you or maybe it's a girl but really work on this sense of so well because

7:37Marisa Peer:fatherless girls tend to have different relationships because they don't have that first role model so you are your daughter's role model how you treat them and how you treat their mom is is the is what they go out into the world and create yeah i feel that responsibility it's interesting responsibility and i embrace it and again that's something that it's my number one responsibility you're sort of juggling business interests and life and then it's like when when that day goes by where i haven't prioritized it i find myself wanting to bring that back into mind very quickly but we've got what we now refer to as the manosphere you know which is and yes and i wanted to bring that you you very much into the conversation of the sort of what i've learned which is through people like sir gareth southgate working with the center for social justice they produced the lost boys report which is damning on this funny because i call them lost boys because all of those boys don't have a father that's don't have a father present and the same way you see children in gangs in america and cults here so they are the lost boys because without a father figure they tend to do something interesting they join a gang they find somewhere to belong and someone to blame so the manosphere is we're these smart boys and we don't like women we don't like authority it's classic behavior i'm going to join i'm going to be i'm going to follow leads and hate man united i'm going to be the crips and hate the blood.

9:04Marisa Peer:So if you are not secure in yourself, you'll find a gang, you'll find someone to align with and someone to blame. That's very classic behavior of someone who has low self-esteem, low self-worth and a poor self-image. This one goes out to all my ladies, all my multitasking mamas who need energy to show up at work and at home, all my empty nest explorers who need a little gut health support for the journey ahead. AG1 is the daily health drink designed to support whole body health with over 75 essential nutrients and pre and probiotics. So you can make the most of every day and every decade. Learn more at drinkAG1.com.

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10:53Marisa Peer:else yeah that's about you well it's like a scale so over here is almost being a martyr but we don't mean to be used that word really i'm a people i put you first and over here is very selfish it's all about me and right in the middle is something called honoring yourself so you're not selfless and you're not selfish but you think hey what do i want after all if you give everything you've got and you have nothing left. I mean, on an airplane, they'll say, put your child's mask on first. If you put yours on, you're no good to anyone. So honoring yourself, asking yourself a question, how do I feel about this?

11:28Marisa Peer:Do I want this? Until you can say no, yes has no meaning. And one of the great ways to honor yourself is to say, I have a need and you have a need, but I cannot let your need overtake mine. So let's imagine you're in a situation where you're married and you want two kids and your wife wants one what do you do you have to look at where these needs coming from and whose need is more important and it's a very good way to work it out because it's not saying your need doesn't matter you know I'm years ago I was standing on a station platform and a very famous footballer called me he'd got injured he wanted me to help him and the person was who is it I said I can't do anyone oh it's okay I won't tell anyone I said look, you have a need to know, and I have a need to keep my client confidential, so your need is not going to trump my need, because my need is a legal need to not talk about my client.

12:18Marisa Peer:So if you can do it like that, oh yeah, I see, my need is not more important than your need. It might be as important, but it's a good way to negotiate. Like your daughter won't say, Dad, I need to come in at four in the morning. You say, no, I need you to be here at 10. Probably work it out that you're going to come in at 11 30 but when you can talk about this is my need and this is your need the good thing is you begin to recognize oh i have a need and my need is valid too my need is not to lend you all my money or my car so i'm stuck all weekend my need is not to look after your kids all weeks you can go out and party so the way to stop being a martyr and being selfish is to go to the middle and understand your need this is my need let's work it out i love your articulation i'm very visual and i'm i can sort of i can visualize that snow and then i'm thinking about the scenarios in myself where it's a compromise so it's just almost like a scale yeah and that that transcends to relationships where it's friendship business relationships marriage um and i'm interested to how you got into this because therapy yeah well my father was an incredible head teacher really understood the core needs of children said that you know every day in school he'd imagine every child had a sign on their head saying please make me feel that i matter he went through his whole life imagining every child had that on their head and some needed it more than others and in fact travelers would always bring their children to his school because he had them on stage talking about what it was like to be a traveler.

13:52Marisa Peer:And he really understood that children need connection and significance. So I think, you know, I'm going to be a teacher like him. And then I thought, you know what, no, I'm going to be a child psychologist. But then I realized that a child psychologist has three patients, mom, dad, child, usually divorced. And it's quite hard having three patients. So I thought, no, I'm not going to do that either. And by a stroke of great fortune, I ended up being in LA teaching aerobics for Jane Fonda, which was much more fun. And so I loved doing that. But I also still had this kind of psychologist thinking because I noticed very quickly that every third girl in my class was anorexic, bulimic, orthorexic, or had body dysmorphia.

14:36Marisa Peer:And Jane was very honest that she had a longstanding eating disorder too. And they were all trying to fix it with aerobics, which was like, wow, because with the greatest respect, an eating disorder is a mental illness. It doesn't mean you're mentally ill, but it's a disease of your thinking. And you can't fix that with aerobics. So by another stroke of great luck, I found this amazing hypnotist called Gil Boyne. And I trained with him, and I knew straight away this is the answer. Because only therapy that changes your neural pathways works and works for your lifetime. So you can do tapping if you have body dysmorphia.

15:14Marisa Peer:you could maybe go and talk to a therapist but you're just dealing with it at surface level what hypnosis does so well is it finds the pattern makes sense of the pattern changes the pattern immediately and it lasts a lifetime so I was very excited by hypnosis and I trained I still worked for Jane and I had just so many clients because all these people coming out of her workout studio in Robertson Boulevard were my clients but then by another stroke of great fortune i was asked to work on a television show i think it was um i'm a celebrity get me out of him big brother profiling the people going in and then i worked on 70 fit club so i decided a lot of television work on eating disorders or disordered thinking you know doctors will tell you that up to 90 or turning up in the hospital all the doctors that you have real illness they have real headaches real stomach ache, real skin, but they're not caused by diseased organs, they're caused by disease thinking.

16:16Marisa Peer:Which is actually great news that you can change a disease thought like that. Diseased organ is a transplant antibiotic. So I did a lot of work with people who had diseased thinking. And it's really interesting. So I was a therapist working on television. And at one stage I was filming Fit Club in the UK and America simultaneously every two weeks. I thought, oh, I've got this big, I should write a book. So I wrote my first book. And now I'm still see clients, work on TV, write books. But then I created my own brand of therapy. Because people in pain, they have one request. Can you get me out of pain now?

16:55Marisa Peer:They don't say, can I come every Thursday at two o 'clock and form a relationship, maybe in five years, get out of pain they want to be out of pain now so if you went to er with a broken leg or the dentist with a broken tooth you'd expect them to take you out of pain and i always thought therapy should be exactly the same take you out of pain so i created my own technique called rtt rapid transmission and it does indeed take you out of pain immediately and i train now 20 000 people in that so it's really cool it's really exciting you are so interesting to listen to you you know What's so nice is I love it as much now as on day one.

17:31Marisa Peer:Almost normally I love my job so much. If I was a billionaire, I don't need to work. I don't work. It's a fulfillment, isn't it? It's a purpose. You're helping people. There are people that come to you. I guess you still, because you're so relevant and current, you don't know who's coming to you next. No, never. And it's so nice to have a job that gives you meaning, purpose, and impact because people don't fear dying. I've worked with several clients in hospices, and they'll always say, I don't fear dying. I fear dying having not left behind an impact so I always thought gosh I don't want to do that I want to leave an impact behind so I think one of the things that aligns us one of the few things is you're on another level is curiosity yeah and you you've you've lent into constant innovating and learning and you've just very kindly signed your new book just tell me about that because that's another evolution of the Marisa Peer journey well you know the word cure comes from the word curiosity.

18:23Marisa Peer:The Latin for care, where cure comes from, is curiosity. So if you say, you know, every Sunday night I get this terrible depression. I don't know where that comes from. I'm fine all week, but come Sunday night, I get depressed. The more curious you get, the more you get the cure. And in fact, I had one client who said, every Sunday, I'm so depressed, I almost want to kill myself. And it starts to lift on a Wednesday, but it always comes back on Sunday afternoon. And I've tried antidepressants, I've had therapy. and what happened is when he was a little boy this was in the 1940s because he must have been 60 when i saw him he obviously didn't want to go to board so he got very upset and the parents began to tranquilize him at lunchtime and this is the 40s they didn't know they put valium in his food drive and then he'd wake up in the middle of the night in boarding school and he knew this was coming every sunday so all these years later sunday night was the trigger sunday lunch was the trigger for this depression because the brain is very patterned so his pattern was Sunday lunchtime I know it's coming I'm so depressed by Wednesday I'm about to go home again and even though he hadn't been in boarding school for 40 years he still had that pattern so that's really interesting to understand the patterns of the brain but they're not set you can change the pattern.

19:42Marisa Peer:So when you get curious, why do I do that? Why do I feel that? What happened to me? What is it that's made me pull out my eyelashes, being unable to leave food on my plate, drink too much? And of course, one of the rules I talk about in my book is that emotion will always defeat logic. If you say to an alcoholic, look, you don't need to drink, have a cup of tea, they look at you like you're utterly insane because that's logical. But the emotion is winning. So you can't logically say to someone, you shouldn't eat doughnuts, you need to have fruit. Well, they already know that. But the emotional brain is always going to win the show.

20:20Marisa Peer:So if you understand your emotions, you can change them. Trading at Schwab is now powered by Ameritrade, unlocking the power of Thinkorswim, the award-winning trading platforms loaded with features that let you dive deeper into the market. Visualize your trades in a new light on Thinkorswim Desktop with robust charting and analysis tools, all while you uncover new opportunities with up-to-the-minute market news and insights. Thinkorswim is available on desktop, web, and mobile to meet you where you are. It's built by the trading obsessed to help you trade brilliantly. Learn more at schwab.com slash trading.

20:55This one goes out to all my ladies, all my multitasking mamas who need energy to show up at work and at home. All my empty nest explorers who need a little gut health support for the journey ahead. AG1 is the daily health drink designed to support whole body health with over 75 essential nutrients and pre and probiotics. So you can make the most of every day and every decade. Learn more at drinkag1.com I've spoken to a number of people on camera and off camera about addiction. Yeah. And that's taken some people, like DJ Fat Tony, who talks openly about this. I can name, you can't if you know what I mean.

21:36But he went down to the bottom. His bottom was trying to take his own life. And other people have talked about the fact that, you know, I'll then turn around out of curiosity and say, well, what got you through it? what and he then said I wanted to get out of it I wanted help and until that point even though I might have lent into things and said I did I didn't embrace it I'm just interested to know your thoughts on that how you were saying about the fact that the work you do does someone when they come to you can you feel when they really actually want that help you know I think if

22:11Marisa Peer:people come in they want help they know he's going to say how I've got the train here I've spent all this money, but I'm not ready to change. When a therapist says you're not ready to change, it's so offensive. I've just flown from Detroit to LA to have a session with you and you've said, oh, you're not ready to change. They want to change. But often the addictions have a very powerful hold on. Well, the habit, you know, 47 is in what we do is a habit. So an addiction really sends, well, the emptiness inside. If I have this emptiness in here, if I feel not enough, then of course I need more, more food, more alcohol, more drugs, more followers, more sex, more something, because addiction, it's, it's, I haven't got enough, so I need more.

22:56Marisa Peer:And of course, in rehab, they'll treat the addiction, but you have to treat what's causing the addiction. Every habit of action is run by habit of thought. The action is the addiction. I, I need to eat so much, drink so much, medicate so much, but what's the habit of thought running? And it's usually, I'm not enough. I'm not worthy. I mean, I've worked with thousands of addicts. I've never met one ever, and I've worked with famous addicts, millionaire addicts, multimillionaire addicts. I've never met one ever, ever, ever who thought they were enough ever. So while you're fixing an addiction, you must fix what I call what lies beneath.

23:34Marisa Peer:So here's a presenter problem. I'm an addict, but what lies beneath is a real problem. You know, I remember years ago working with a very famous person i went to his house in la and he had oscars and he had and when i went in i said i love your house because i hate this house the neighbors are horrible and i said oh you have an oscar he said that's a curse he said to me you look just like my fourth wife i think he said don't thank me she was the worst of all my wives and then i realized oh this guy and also he told me that i could not park my car on his drive because i had a trans am is it a have the Mustang and he could only have Ferraris and Jaguars on the drive so already knew only Jaguars on the drive you hate this amazing house you had four wives all disappointed you and he had a lot of addictions and I said you just don't think you're enough do you and he said what do you mean I said well tell me and he told me his story very quickly that he was a little kid living in a trailer in the Midwest and he remembered when it was snowing his dad didn't get any money because the dad was in construction the mother worked nights because she earned slightly more as a nurse.

24:37Marisa Peer:And he would make his father's dinner, but he just got sandwiches, didn't have much money. And so that's where it came from, I'm not enough. And if you're not enough, you need more. So he was addicted to lots of things, alcohol, multiple relationships. And just getting him to go back and say, but that little boy isn't you, that you made sense of the world with the experience of a seven-year-old. I mean, if you're eight and you're making your father's dinner and he doesn't share it with you ever, Again, you go, oh, I guess my dad doesn't like me enough. Why doesn't he like me? Because I'm not enough.

25:11Marisa Peer:Because a child doesn't have logic. They only live in a world of feelings. Before five, there's no logic at all, even after five. So a child of seven will make sense of that. I disappoint my dad. It's all my fault. And then they go through the world with this, really, I'm a disappointment. And often they become famous because of that. If I become famous, you'll all love me. And you do, but they still have that feeling, I'm a disappointment. So you have to go back and find that little kid and say, look, you made a decision. Were there seven years on the plane? You didn't know what you were doing.

25:47Marisa Peer:You were seven years old when you decided this is my fault. But now at 47, you can go back and look at it again. My dad was unhappy. My mom had to work nice. My dad was frustrated. This was not about me. I was a great kid. I'm still a great kid. So if you can find the pattern, this pattern of not being enough, which runs most addictions, make sense of it and change it, everything changes. In fact, I worked with a client who said he never saw his dad. And the day he turned 18, the dad came, took him to the pub. This is my son. They began drinking together. This happened every weekend. The dad was very proud of him.

26:27Marisa Peer:And then the dad suddenly died after just three years. and he'd go to the pub, everyone was going to drink and drink because he was trying to get back that feeling of connection and belonging. And many addicts will say, but I'm connected to my drinking bodies when I'm drinking or using. I'm in a little clique of people just like me because our greatest need is to be connected. And we're living in a world now of huge disconnection and it's causing more and more addictions. Thank you for sharing that. Again, so interesting. I've got a thought I want to show you just listening to you there. That feeling of not being enough, I hear that so much.

27:06Marisa Peer:Eight percent of us have that. There's a part of me that empathizes with that and would have a whole separate conversation personally with that limiting beliefs. The sort of the inner battle of the voice that says, that's not for you. You can't do that. And another voice that drives me and challenges that goes, yes, you can. And why not? And you should. I just want to ask you, you've had clients and have clients that are absolute superstar sports people, footballers, athletes, film stars, you know, incredibly famous leaders, different people all around the world. How much of that suppressed feeling that they've got that needs to prove themselves has actually led to them being successful in the first place?

27:47Marisa Peer:Yeah, if you look at someone like Gazza with all that talent, poor Gascoigne. But if you have talent and a belief that says I'm not really worth it, you're very likely to go into what's called self-destructiveness, what I call the self-destructiveness of talent. So, you know, we have a regular person, everyday person who gets a job and works really hard to buy their smart TV or their first car. You know, my first car was a Mini and I saved up a lot and I loved that car. My friend's dad bought her a Porsche and she wrote it off within a year because it had no value to her. So when you get things very easily without value, it's very hard to feel you're worth it.