Ryan Libbey | Redefining Modern Manhood: Vulnerability, Fatherhood & Purpose | Extraordinary Life Stories

0:00And they sort of put all the emphasis and blame on women. And my response to that was, I think we should probably look at ourselves as men. Women are probably looking at fellas these days and thinking, well, I'm not sure if you've got it. I'm not sure if you can offer me what I really need. Tell me, who is Ryan Libbey? I'm a man who feels things really deeply. I had a son, Leo, four years ago. And I think the aftermath of what happened to my partner, Louise, and everything that she lived through, and it took for something so magnificent in my world for me to make some necessary changes. I can selfishly benefit from this conversation, being a role model in that space.

0:36Yes. And in a space where, for whatever reason, and social media has a lot to answer, the wrong role models rise to the top for the wrong reasons, right? We're almost celebrating the wrong attributes of what makes a man these days. I lacked a lot of confidence in my younger years. My response to that was to slap on some armour, i.e. muscle, and build my strength up. I wasn't exercising my emotional capacity. I wasn't learning to articulate. Because I had to make a drastic change to who Ryan was, I now am sure of my identity, and I'm happy to speak to anyone. No, and I'm enjoying that part right now.

1:24Welcome. Nice to see you. Thank you for having me. No, absolute pleasure. I've been looking forward to this. Thank you. Tell me, who is Ryan Libby? It's a good question. I was thinking about this on the way over because I had a feeling you might ask this. I was scrolling through your previous interviews and I don't want to go down the usual route. So let me tell you this. I'm a man who feels things really deeply. I had a son, Leo, four years ago, and I think the aftermath of what happened to my partner, Louise, and everything that she lived through, it's nudged me gently onto this version of myself that I actually feel very comfortable with.

2:00I think for a long time I couldn't really find my voice, I couldn't articulate my emotions, and it took for something so magnificent in my world for me to make some necessary changes. So I'm now a very active, present father for Leo, which I absolutely love. I'm actually writing a children's book about my experiences with him. I still do the sort of content creation and all the work and partnerships I do. I feel very fortunate. And, you know, it goes to being in rooms like this. It feels very aligned and very right. And that feels good. Yeah, it feels good hearing it. Thank you. You know, I mean, that's a key part of why I wanted to have a conversation.

2:38There's a vulnerability to you that is so strong. And you're physically, you know, strong and in your presence, but then just everything you just said and articulated there, so much depth to it. And there's so much that wasn't just about you then as well. Louise, being a dad to your four-year-old, you almost feel like you're getting emotional then. Yeah, because you've got me already. Like, you've really listened to my choice of words and not many people can hear it, but you've got it. And I'll compliment you in context of how you've introduced yourself because you can imagine I've done a certain amount of prep.

3:10I don't want anything in front of me. But the way I wanted to try and in any way draw that out of you, you were so giving to give that straight away. And that's quite unusual man to man. But I feel like you do that a lot. And I feel like it suits you. And that's what I'm also craving. It's authenticity. It's clear all the fear of external validation, judgment off the table and just be real. and I feel like that's what we can do. This is a very nice entrance to a conversation. Probably both ready for it, right? Yeah, no, I really appreciate the way you've kind of turned that back on me because I have a lot of conversations and some people will hear it.

3:48Some people won't quite land with some people, but you're right. As you see me now, I'm so ready to be an open book and talk about these things. and almost, I almost have some sort of desire to do it to help other men. This is the thing. So the piece there that is explaining to anyone watching, listening, who you are, who Ryan is, but actually there's something far more empowering, if you like, and purposeful about the fact that, you know, I can selfishly benefit from this conversation, but actually raising awareness, if you like, and being a role model in that space. Yes. And in a space where, for whatever reason, and social media has a lot to answer, the wrong role models rise to the top for the wrong reasons, right?

4:39Yeah, yeah. I wrote a letter to my... We'll get into this later, but I write a letter to my son each week. It's called Letters to Leah. And the topic of my letter last week was exactly that, about how we're almost celebrating the wrong attributes of what makes a man these days. we're kind of focusing on the wrong thing, but actually, if we take it back to morals and principles and being sure of who you are and what you can offer someone, or... It's interesting you just touched on that. Yeah. Because I'm living that in my head at the moment. It's beautiful. I mean, it's personal to you, but I'd love to...

5:14Part of me is love to see your letters, right? Please. Because there's... No, no, that's... But the way that you're putting your thoughts down and the fact that your son in any one time, he can read them now and he can go back to them as well. There's... There's mentoring, and I'll bring that role model piece in again, because there's a crisis in young boys right now. I don't know how much of this you're aware. The Center for Social Justice produced a Lost Boys report. Gareth Southgate referenced it, quoted data and stats from it in the Dimbleby talk last year, and then coincided with Adolescence, the Netflix documentary coming out.

5:45And it's just basically heightening the fact that there are kids out there that are really struggling with identity, don't know how to behave, don't know how to treat women, and and are in any one way then desperate for role models because one of the sad stats, which will probably make us both emotional, because as you know, I'm a father as well. So many families now are fatherless. And that's where the role model is missing. So there's too many kids that don't have letters being written to them and don't have that support. Yeah, social media has got a lot to answer for in this sense. I feel like young men and just the younger generation, I don't know if that's too generalised, but there's so much emphasis on algorithms and we've almost replaced mentors and good people with, oh, what's going to trend well?

6:34What's going to go viral? And that's become the focus at the expense of just being a good person. And I... That's external validation again as well, right? You're looking, you're trying to please other people rather than what feels real, what people, what you want to put out. Yeah. What was that conversation with Stephen Bartlett and Chris Williamson? Because we spoke about this on our podcast just recently about how they, you know, I think it was around women choosing not to, well, it was around the decline in birth rates. And they sort of put all the emphasis and blame on women. And my response to that was, I think we should probably look at ourselves as men, because women are probably looking at fellas these days and thinking, well, I'm not sure if you've got it.

7:16I'm not sure if you can offer me what I really need. Well, a lot of women have called that conversation out as lack of relatability. Two fatherless men talking about something that they don't actually have any experience of. There you go. And then you've got, I guess, the flip side is this is super relatable. There's a deep emotion running through this already. And also, you've educated yourself back to how you introduced yourself, what you've gone through with Louise to then be the best partner that you can be. How dedicated you are to want to be the best father that you can be. That's how that's so important.

7:53It is because he's four and I'm so aware that I'm setting the standard in everything I'm doing because he's watching it all and he's much like every other four-year-old, I'm sure. But at least in my eyes, he's a clever, smart little cookie. and he remembers things and he can impersonate things and repeat things. So it's like walking around with a camera. I'm trying to be my best self in front of him. Not in a forceful way, it's coming naturally and it's a nice reminder. And the letters to Leo is a way for me to ground myself in this journey that just whips past. Yeah, we were talking off camera about the fact that you can't believe that you've got a four-year-old, I've got 14 and 16-year-olds.

8:36And joking aside, I was saying, not trying to put you off, but there's a journey to go on because there is an element of kids that rely on you. You are their epicenter and it's magical and you're embracing it. That's special as well because there's particularly dads that miss that. And previous generation, I think if I'm right in saying your father was military, my grandfather was military, which gave that element. Oh, actually, both my grandfathers were. So there was an element of kind of quite a discipline, strict upbringing, which gives boundaries and gives a certain amount of positives. But that element of the relatability to you, that you can sort of do it differently if you like, is what I'm trying to get across to you.

9:23You learn from the things that work and you learn from the things that perhaps you didn't respond well to. And you bring that into your own way of doing it. It was one of the bits of advice I got from my dad as a kid. I don't know what the context was. I think it was probably on the way to a mini rugby match or something. But the conversation was around how the art is just to cherry pick moments from people or experiences. Take the bits that you like and want to replicate in your own way and just ditch the rest. And I look at my dad and he's, despite his military background, and actually my whole family is green and black.

9:55There's military everywhere. I've taken the good parts of my dad. I've taken the great parts of my mum. and now I'm trying to present myself as a sort of modern man, which I think there's an appetite for because, like I said earlier, we're looking at shows like Love Island and social media. It's all the wrong messaging. And I think there's an obligation, if you like, for good blokes like yourself and others to show that I can present this way. You probably, if you hadn't done any reading around me, you probably would have looked at me and made an assumption, which I've had to deal with my whole life, by the way.

10:38I look a certain way. I probably am not willing to be emotional. People meet me and they draw closer immediately because they can see that there's a much softer, sensitive side to me. And it's taken, like I say, the experiences over the past four years to be comfortable with that and let it flow. So me and you sat together five, six years ago with very different conversations. You probably wouldn't have... Because I only know this. We've not met before. So I'm learning real time. And you are a really good company. I really appreciate that. I think it's a confidence thing. I lacked a lot of confidence in my younger years.

11:14And I think my response to that was to slap on some armor, i.e. muscle, and build my strength up. I wasn't exercising my emotional capacity. I wasn't learning to articulate. Like, so because I had to make a drastic change to who Ryan was, I've sort of hit this flow where I'm like, oh God, finally I... The identity crisis, like you mentioned at the start, I now am sure of my identity and I'm happy to speak to anyone about it. No, and I'm enjoying that part right now. There is a... I'm not going to say the irony, the irony might not be the right word, but you've had to go through so much pain to go through, as well as some absolute pleasure, joy, the birth of your son and so on.

11:58But particularly with Louise, if you like, the sort of trauma. And of course, my wife follows Louise. She's followed her for years. And coming into this, I felt like there was a certain amount I already knew. Getting to know you more in context, this chat is happening now. But your stress, if you like, that you've gone through has humbled you, if you like, into that place where actually the resilient piece has been built to be stronger. I think there's quite a lot of strong messaging there where actually in the moments during that time, it must have been really stressful, clearly for both of you, but for you being the supportive partner, what's the right thing to say, how she's going to be coping with everything going on around it.

12:40What's the messaging there, if you like, around the fact that that resilience piece has actually made you a better version of yourself? Yeah, it's interesting. That first year where Louise was physically, emotionally, mentally, just really beaten up by the whole experience. I had to play the role of both mum and dad, but also caregiver, primary caregiver to Louise. And it really squeezed me. But I sort of give thanks to the way that my parents have raised me because I didn't complain about it. In hindsight, I wish I'd raised my hand and asked for help sooner from family and friends. But I just sort have assumed the responsibility without any hesitation i was like i'll take care of this so i was straight into every night time every feed every change for leo and you know orchestrating the medical appointments for louise and it was it was a very very traumatic year um and i think after 10 months i was so exhausted and so arguably depressed just in this state of survival i think at that point i had to step away for two days and my parents came in and relieved the situation and I started to understand a bit more about love languages which might sound a little bit off topic right now but something happened where I was doing all this frantic energy and effort to make things right but Louise wasn't really seeing it so I started to look at what does she what's her love language and for her it's words and it's um it's less about the acts of service and things like that so I started to play to what she needed from me and that was a real turning point in my relationship with Louise because rather than me in my own head formulating a narrative like okay if I do this it's going to make her feel better I just made it about her I removed myself from the situation I'll give you exactly what you need and that was a really pivotal point for me does that answer your question yeah there's a lot of strength there I just want to ask you a stain on that who was there for you because you were pouring your and rightly so right you know, Louise will probably end up watching this and it's her that was suffering.

14:40And it was probably in context of anything that was out in social media was like what Louise is going through. But actually, there's so much to be said about the person that's caring and giving. And it feels like you have the intuition and the inclination to lean into how to actually make this work and to help your coping mechanism, if you like. To be honest, I did have the offer of support from friends and family, but at that time, that version of Ryan was probably a little bit stubborn. No, scratch that. I wasn't stubborn. I just didn't have the confidence to ask for help. I probably would have seen that as a sign of weakness, I guess, as an admission of, I can't carry this weight.

15:25Beautiful thing to admit now. to again we said before we even began filming that if there's one thing that we know this conversation potentially might do is it will raise awareness whereby things we've both thought of and this is about you but that's what's drawn me to it I think it's important you know that which is that yeah use that word stubbornness that show no weakness yeah strong guy yeah I can do this that's kind of it yeah entrepreneurial you know I should know the answers but I should turn around and you go, I don't know, right now. But then to do something about it, you did that. Yeah.

15:57It's like something like the movies, right? I got myself into such a pickle. Louise was getting more and more upset with me. I was getting more and more upset and unsure of how to fix the situation. So quite literally grabbed a bag, jumped in the taxi, looked up at the airport signs, and I was like, oh, I'll go there. Literally, I ended up in Istanbul for two nights. Couldn't find my feet, felt so lost and alone. jump back in the cab, went back to the airport, Barcelona will do. Went there for three days. Started some therapy over the phone because I knew Louise wanted me to do that. Started to journal to myself, started to think about what does Louise need, hence the love languages thing.

16:35Came back in a more peaceful, ready to make some changes kind of mindset. But it was really the way I was communicating. I just kind of opened the door to letting Louise know just how much I was struggling with the weight. And to be fair, Louise was wonderful because she didn't judge it. Like you've done, immediately drew closer and actually loved me more. I don't think she loved me that much at that time, but the difference was sensational. And that gave me the confidence to be truthful with how I was feeling because like cut all the... I was in a very bad state. Burnout Paradise is hailed as the wildest night out in New York City by Time Out New York.

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18:25And you took yourself off. You, I guess, looked yourself in the mirror and tried to look at how you can be there to help, but also to help yourself. All of that helped you. And fair play. Louise then leans in. There's a power of connection about being, again, authentic there, isn't there? Yeah. Yeah. We need that. And I think it's the reverse. The opposite is the same. If someone is not communicating and that person then reads the behavior differently, then they won't know how many relationships have gone. It's very true. And then that person on either side is wishing they'd actually said how they really felt, but that time is gone.

19:03So that's the key part I'm just picking up. It's, again, helps anyone watching, listening. It's just that relatable. Do it when it really matters. Yeah. But communication in any relationship, not just with your partner, but with your siblings, with your colleagues, with your friends at school, at sports or whatever it is, the communication piece is so important because there's so much that can be misunderstood, misinterpreted. And I think, again, to sort of relate it to men, young men in particular, it's hard. It's a hard thing to enter into, like a real open, honest conversation. and I wish I found this flow and this confidence and this identity much sooner because it would have saved me a lot of pain and anguish and I could have probably maintained more friendships and helped other people in my life.

19:55But you're doing it now. Do you have, I mean this is a relatively unique conversation for me because I just don't actually have a conversation with someone that is prepared to be quite so vulnerable and giving, which I thank you for. Yeah, which is genuinely I wanted to talk with. Do you have these conversations with Sam, people around you that it feels like are very supportive and you have that camaraderie? So I've been with Louise for 10 years. We've just celebrated 10 years. And I'd say that me and Sam have become incredibly close in the last three, four years. Three years, I'd say. which is when you'd done the most work on yourself.

20:33Yes. And me and Sam went for lunch and we had a sort of three-hour lunch where we had a conversation like this. Years before this, our relationship was very top level. It was kind of banter about the show. And I guess he didn't really understand how I would operate. You know, I've got memories of being at the sort of Thompson family home for Christmas. And he would, Ryan's going to say a joke, and that was his way of trying to rope me into the social scenario. But what he didn't quite understand is that he was putting me on the back foot and I was not quite sure how to operate in that kind of moment.

21:09So we just had this really open conversation and we got to know each other so well. And that was the starting point of a really good relationship. So me and Sam talk like this quite often now. I'll go to him for advice around the media space and he'll come to me for advice around relationships. and potentially some of the more, you know, considered deeper material that life throws at us. But we support each other massively, yeah. Yeah, because I feel like that's missing a lot of, you know, you talked about sort of almost the ideal kind of male role model and relationship between men that can be sort of not as open as that.

21:49Yeah. I feel like that preparation that you went through to then be open with Sam clearly has opened up that friendship and relationship far more. Yeah. You know, how do we encourage more men to do that? Because there is an element of, look, I'm not going to open up, I'm not going to share. But you're living proof that that's working for you with your relationship, with Louise, with friends. Yes, it's a hard one to answer. You've said the word authenticity a few times, And I genuinely feel that in this space, whether it's podcasts, whether it's content creation, whether it's live TV interviews, I'm being so authentic to how I feel and who I am.

22:29And I'm just storytelling from my heart. And I think you're never going to get sort of found out from that. So I think if you do it in an authentic way and you really commit to this idea of being open and honest with who you are and how you feel. Oh, I don't know. How do we get younger men to do this? I think what's missing from social scenarios now is community. People have, maybe this is just the world I live in, but it's become quite selfish and people are really just looking out for their own success. And I think interpretations of success have become really skewed. I'm smiling because I totally agree.

23:12And that selfish piece, which social media, it's not social at all. it's look at me it's putting out whatever you know and then the community piece which i thrive in you saw the environment yeah outside of the filming my favorite thing to do is connecting people and then seeing how we can all help each other oh where's that where's that gone you know that that community piece everyone's claiming they're busy and that's also a good excuse to then not open up and have a chat and make the time for it because i hope you don't mind me You said you were 10, 12 years older than me? Yeah. So you've got a role to play because you're senior to me.

23:49I've got a role to play. I sat on a panel recently about male fertility, and I was there next to some real experts in this space. And again, it was one of those moments where I was like, am I in the right room? But this professor or whatever you want to call him, at the end of it, he said, I can't thank you enough for talking so vulnerably because we are living through this IVF fertility episode right now, me and Louise. But it was just, it was a real world moment where, and this guy was probably 78, really quite senior. But he, even at his stage in life, having seen and done what he's done, he now recognizes the need for younger blokes like me to sit on a panel next to him, feel comfortable.

24:28Forget the science, I'll leave that to you. I'll tell you what it's like to sit in a room with a partner and realize that your tests are not great. And you've got to start doing something about it. And you've got to, because it's a really uncomfortable scenario.

24:42Yeah, we've got a responsibility, you and I. Yeah, we do. I feel it. I really feel it. And also, what I also think we parallel, and it coming across from you in spades, is you're prepared to work hard at it. Yeah. You are a grafter. You know, you don't have a body like that without really, really pumping weights. And you're really, really working on your education piece, if you like, to not just be the best person for yourself, but then to be able to, in that environment where you You almost suggest you had imposter syndrome. No, they're like brilliant that he was here. Because I can't imagine you ever not being the person that's writing the letters and having these questions.

25:18It's all I know. But clearly, if you're telling me that you weren't that person, it was clearly in you. It was clearly locked up. You might have had learned out. But maybe that's the cork out of the bottle where actually, you know, like this is your calling. And so I think, you know, we're aligned from here on. Yeah. You know, I, you know, the why behind these conversations for me is to in any way help other people. But if there's people that are locking up their emotions, not sharing them, hopefully this is in any way inspiring them. I think in some weird and wonderful way, you know, the things in life that happen that are awful and unexpected.

25:53You know, somewhere down the road, you're going to perhaps change your perspective and maybe come to realize that perhaps this has nudged me on to a more correct pathway that feels a bit more me. Yes. And I think what you just, with the whole cork out the bottle moment, that's what it's done for me. Yeah. Which is also why it's emotional for you. Yeah. Because at any one time, you've not known how to channel your purpose. And I can relate to this, by the way. Right. So there's been time. We know there's plenty of people that will say that, you know, no time is wasted. It builds to where you are now.

26:24But there are times when I've lacked purpose, been doing things that haven't been fulfilling. Yeah. To then find yourself in a position, this conversation, very much the case, where you're like, okay, this feels right. I'm growing right now from this conversation. And again, it can benefit other people. That's nice. That's really nice. Yeah. No, this is... The relatability piece to you is something I hope you get people telling you a lot. You know, you had it from that panel talk. I had the most incredibly intelligent maths teacher at school. He couldn't teach me. He couldn't inspire me. He had it all in his head.