Featuring: Table Read Podcast | SuburbaKnight - Act 3

0:02Previously on Suburbanite All right, welcome back. I'm your handsomer than a sex demon host, Bobby Joe Williams, and this is Terror Vision. And we are watching the soon-to-be cult classic, Suburbanite. Boy, and Walter thought those things couldn't get any worse, huh? Boy, after he finds out his next-door neighbor is a full frontal demon from hell, he still gets dragged to dinner with the guy. I tell you, those suburban niceties will get you every time, and that's why I live exclusively in trailer parks. Anyway, seems like Richard doesn't really feel the need to hide his secret from Walter at the barbecue.

0:46Seems kind of like a cat playing with its food before it, well, fucks it and eats its soul. Regardless, Walter realizes he's out of his depth and needs to consult a professional. And who does he turn to? Well, none other than your favorite redneck with the highest-rated cable-access late-night horror movie review show for viewers 18 to 49 at 8 p.m. in the greater Milwaukee region. And parts of Sepoykin. But my feet was too high for Walt, and because I wasn't there to stop him, Richard tried to put the whammy on Walter's wife, Samantha. But it seems like their marriage is a lot stronger than Walter realized.

1:32Maybe Samantha really does love him unconditionally. And the real problem in their marriage wasn't his beer belly or his thinning hair or his fallen business or all the junk in their house. Or even his flaccid member. No, maybe the real issue all along was his self-confidence. And he sure seemed to have plenty when he put on that suit of armor. It wouldn't have fit me anyway. My biceps are too big. Of course, this is all after Mia, their daughter, was kidnapped by Richard. It's really great to see those kids working together after all this time. We'll have to wait and see if they're tough enough to get the job done.

2:10Though I tell you, I wouldn't want to get on Samantha's bad side. I can tell you that much. All right, let's do those Terror Vision totals. We got three dead husbands. That's one video game murder, one golf club murder, and even one boiling cauldron murder. We got one severed wiener, one charred wiener, one eaten wiener. Hold on to your wieners. We got two demon breasts, one severed demon head, and one absolutely fucking impractical suit of armor. We're going to find out how that works out next. Stay tuned.

2:59Exterior, Richard's house night. Walter, Sam, and Bobby Joe Williams approach Richard's front door. Bobby Joe reaches into his inside jacket pocket and removes a flask. He gulps down a mouthful. He offers a sip to Walter and Sam. Walter struggles in the suit of armor but manages to take a sip and hands it back. It's smooth. Walter's suit creaks loudly with each step. You think he knows we're coming? Walter's every step creaks and grinds. Bobby Joe looks him up and down sideways. Probably. They approach Richard's front door. Walter reaches out to ring the doorbell, but Bobby Joe grabs his arm. What the hell do you think you're doing?

3:40Ringing the doorbell. Can't go through the front. That's just what he'd expect. What then? We'd go through the back door. He'd never expect that. What if he knows that we know not to go in the front, so he set us up to go in the back? Oh, you're right. All right, we go through the front. He'd never expect us to do something so stupid. Sam looks at Walter. So he's an idiot. Walter raises his hand to knock, but the door creaks open on its own. You know, in my movies, that's always a really bad sign. They head inside. Interior, Richard's house, night. Walter closes the door behind them. There is the faint sound of music inside.

4:22Shh. You hear that? Walter's armor clangs loudly with every step. Walk louder. I'm not sure he can hear all the noise you're making. They round the corner. In the main part of the house, they find the source of the music in lights. An orgy. Like a giant fucking orgy. Baved in music and neon, the whole neighborhood is here. Diane, Nancy, and Karen, and their husbands, Andy, Steve, Bill, and Alan. And more, more couples we haven't met before. Dozens of them. Fuck! Holy shit! Oh man, this takes me back. The trio walk through the sea of entangled bodies. Richard sits in an ancient throne-like chair at the top of the stairs.

5:09His face remains hidden, only the hint of his more demonic features. but his eyes glow red in the darkness. Smoke billows around him, bathed in red and pink light. Walter, Samantha, see anything you like. Bobby Joe looks at the orgy surrounding him. Only now does he see everyone is covered in blood. Walter and Sam follow his gaze. Crash zooms. Female sex demons, succubi, feast on their male victims' corpses while others fuck the male parts. What the fuck? Fuck! You people were real. I just thought there was some fantasy foreplay thing. Keep your fucking money! Bobby Joe throws the mace to the floor and runs for the exit.

5:52What? Get back here, you coward! Bobby Joe slams the door behind him. Sam turns to Richard. Where's my fucking daughter? Richard stomps down the stairs as he speaks. Close up, his cloven hooves pound the wooden stairs. Oh, she's here. Somewhere. Well, you know, I've been so busy with all the unsatisfied housewives in this neighborhood, I had forgotten, oh, what's the word? The stanima of youth. Did you say stanima? The stan-a-na. The pronunciation. The stam-a-na-na. Wait a second, what's happening? Is that reallyst-a-ma-na? What did I say? You said stamina. You said stamina. It's stamina. You said stan-a-ma.

6:33You basically said Panama. Yes, you did. Yeah. We're looking to recast. Stamina. Stamina. Stamina. All right. Jim, where's that bagel plate?

6:48You're a hurtful person. Okay. All right. Oh, she's here. Somewhere. You know, I've been so busy with all the unsatisfied housewives in this neighborhood, I had forgotten. Oh, what's the word? The stamina of youth You piece of shit Richard stands before the three of them Samantha fires the crossbow at near point-blank range Right through Richard's arm He spins once, then collapses Walter blinks in surprise Well, that was easy Richard stirs He rises to his feet and yanks out the arrow from his eye Walter and Sam watch, horrified at the grotesque hole where his eye used to be That wasn't very neighborly.

7:38The house goes completely dark, silent. The smoke around Richard glows. His eyes pop open in the darkness. His red eyes glow. He growls. Walter? The lights come back up. Richard is gone, as are many of the succubi surrounding them and their male victims. Music and neon lights blast through the house. They look around, disoriented. Richard is behind them. Sam fires the crossbow. The arrow hits Richard straight in the chest. It doesn't faze him at all. He yanks the arrow out with a slurp. Ouchie.

8:14He smiles and pokes at it, sticks his finger in the hole seductively and wiggles it around. Walter yells and charges at Richard with a sword. But he trips running up the stairs in the suit of armor. Richard graciously helps Walter back to his feet. There you go, buddy. Look at you. You're doing so well. Richard casually pushes Walter backwards with one finger. Oopsie. Walter tries to balance, weighs his heavy metal arms, before he slowly tilts backwards and tumbles down the long flight of stairs, losing several pieces of the armor on his way down.

8:59Walter! Richard stomps down the stairs towards Sam, his one demon eye glowing red. He smiles to reveal the row of pointed fangs. Sam loads and quickly fires the crossbow again. Richard catches the arrow, indifferent. He breaks it with one hand. Please, Samantha. She backpedals. Richard stalks after her as she loads another arrow. He rushes at Sam. In the blink of an eye, both hands are on the crossbow. I thought we really had something, Samantha, a connection. The only thing I'd like to connect is my fist to your face. Sam swings the crossbow and catches the butt of it on Richard's jaw. He rolls his eyes.

9:36Richard grabs the crossbow and tosses it across the room. It slides under a chair in the living room. Walter gets to his feet, charges with the sword raised high. Richard turns and faces Walter as he brings the sword down. Richard dodges the slow swing easily. Richard punches Walter in the chest. Walter flies down the entire flight of stairs. Bits of his suit break off and scatter across the floor on impact. The chest piece has a huge dent in the center from the blow. Walter lies there for a moment, motionless. Walter! Walter groans and tries to stand, but can't. That blow should have stopped your heart, Walter.

10:14Those medieval ironworkers really knew their shit. Walter lies with a bloody nose. The helmet spins on the ground beside him. Concussed, the world goes fuzzy as time slows down. Walter... I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Walter! Walter collapses, unconscious. Sam rushes to his side. Walter. Walter! She shakes him, but he's out. Samantha. Interior, 80s dance club, night. Samantha looks up and realizes Richard is gone. That she's no longer in the house. Instead, she's in the middle of a dance club. But it's a modern-day Elizabethan masquerade ball. Well-dressed aristocrats wear 80s workout gear and masks, but dance like they're in a Jane Austen movie.

11:03Sam looks down. Walter is gone. Her clothes are also different. Nightclub attire. Samantha looks around, confused. She's surrounded by dozens of dancing people. A dense crowd, difficult to get through. Their identities remain hidden. Walter? Richard moves through the crowd, wearing a mask of his own, watching her. He's normal again. human. Finally, her eyes find Richard. He removes his mask so she can see him. Their eyes lock for a long moment. A dancer moves in front of Richard, and he vanishes. Sam looks everywhere. She fights through moving bodies. Richard circles her, hidden among the crowd.

11:46The crowd parts like a wave. Richard is there. Their eyes meet again. He approaches Sam and wraps his arm around her waist. Without words, they speak volumes with their eyes. They dance to the song, never breaking eye contact. Their faces inch closer, nearly close enough to kiss. Somewhere deep in the crowd, Sam sees Walter standing in the crowd. But in an instant, he's gone. Sam looks around as the undulating bodies that surround her begin to enclose tighter. Samantha becomes more and more disoriented by the world she is in. All these people and Richard front and center. She breaks free, swims through the sea of people.

12:28Richard is there again. She turns, runs now. Still, he is there. In his human form, his eyes begin to glow that demonic red. But now, they pulse, growing brighter each time. The dancers surrounding the pair stop and stare. The club grows darker and darker. The music fades until only Richard and Samantha remain. In silence. Richard becomes a shadow before the intensity of his glowing eyes. Samantha's face is awash with the color red. Her eyes glaze over like milky cataracts. The glowing red embers get brighter and more intense until it is all that remains. Exterior. Bobby Joe's van. Night. Bobby Joe scrambles to his van but stops when he sees the hood.

13:15The steel is mangled. What the shit? He raises the hood. The starter cables have been ripped out. Oh, that's just great.

13:29Jesus tap dancing fuck. You're racing through the front door, so maybe a little more energy, a little more hurry, a little more... Jesus tap dancing fuck. Okay, okay, okay. Think, BJ. You're Bobby Joe fucking Williams. You beat herpes twice. How are you going to get out of this one? Bobby Joe looks up, sees something we don't. What the? Inside Walter's living room, all the junk from the shop has been cleared away, and Bobby Joe's Terror Vision Studio has taken its place. Interior, Terror Vision Studio. The busted old RV, the fake grass and television set, the case of beer, the torn up old couch, it's all here.

14:16The studio is alive with crew. The normal hustle of a TV set full of activity. A female PA grabs Bobby Joe by the elbow and leads him onto the set. Mr. Williams, there you are. You're due on set. Rolling in five, four, three... Wait, what? We're not shouting today. She plops him down on the lawn chair and backs away. Action! Bobby Joe stares blankly at the camera. Uh... Cut! Perfect!

14:45The female PA returns as the director ushers the rest of the crew off set. She leans in close to his ear. That was the most amazing performance I've ever seen. I mean, it was nothing. She pushes him back and climbs on top of him. I don't know why, but your acting, it just makes me so hot. She kisses him passionately. Well, I do have that effect on people sometimes. Still on top of him, the director comes over and looks down at Bobby Joe. That was great. Your best work yet. A group of beautiful female fans comes over and leans down to talk to him. Oh, Bobby Joe. That was incredible. I'm your biggest fan.

15:30I want you so bad. Their faces fill his view. All right, all right. Which turn, ladies? There's plenty of BJ to go around. The studio lights pop off, one at a time, as the rest of the crew abandons the set. The girls on top of him take off their shirts. Well, hey, now. They kiss his neck and chest, swarm him. Hold on a sec. There was something I was supposed to do. Fuck me, Mr. Williams. Me first. They continue to kiss him all over. Their hands run all over his face and through his hair. It's overwhelming. I want you. I want you more. Okay now, just come on. Don't you want us? We want you so bad.

16:16Okay, cut it out, girls. Please, Bobby. I said stop. Bobby Joe pushes the girls off himself and leaps out of the chair. Interior, Walter's house, night. Bodies fly off of him and hit the floor hard. Three female succubi skitter backwards up the walls into the shadows until they've all vanished, save but one. A young woman in a silk dress, curled up in paint on the floor. It's only now Bobby Joe realizes he's back in Walter's living room. What the fuck was that? And who the fuck are you? Mia. She wears a new outfit, something silky that shows off her curves. My name's Mia. Mia, you're the kid. Where are my mommy and daddy?

17:02Oh, kid, I got bad news for you. They're over there with that thing. You mean you're alone? Hey, what are you doing here? How'd you escape? She climbs to her feet, still turned away from him. He can't see the calculating look in her eyes. I ran. She moves about the house, runs her fingers along the piles of junk. Listen, we gotta get out of Dodge. Calling the boys in blue, the National Guard, Marines, something. Where's your phone? She finds the landline and tips it over onto the floor. Oops. Hey, what are you doing? Mia finds an old record player. She sets the needle down on the spinning record.

17:41Hey, kid, there's no time for a dance party. We gotta... Mia turns to him and dances seductively to the music. She runs her hands over her hips, along her breasts, and up her neck. She unties her dress and lets it fall to the floor, barely able to conceal her breasts with her arms. Well, we might have a little time.

18:04He tries to shake the cobwebs loose. No, we can't. I mean, I can. I definitely can. Countless times. But no, you're just a... She moves closer to him, wraps her arms around his neck, presses her breasts against him. He turns his face away from her. She turns it back and kisses him passionately. No, we... you... Mia pushes him against the wall, wraps her bare leg around him. She kisses down his neck. He doesn't notice as she takes his gun and tosses it behind her. Bobby Joe turns his head, deep in the throes of passion, and sees a large, ornate mirror propped amidst a junk pile. His eyes widen in shock as he sees the reflection in it.

18:46Pressed against his body, a demon covered in black fur and pointed barbs, horns hidden amidst a head of matted hair. Bobby Joe is horrified. He pushes her off him. What's the matter? Don't you want me? I got paper cut on my dick, old lady. He points to the mirror and the succubus inhabiting Mia's body quickly becomes infatuated with its own reflection. It turns from side to side, checks out all its features, runs its hands over every inch of its body. Mia screams. Bobby Joe looks from the demon's reflection in the mirror to the naked girl that stands in front of it. The reflections don't sink.

19:29What's happening? The demon realizes something. It bangs against the glass of the mirror, trapped. It screams and howls. Eyes glow bright red. It claws at the glass. Fuck this. Bobby Joe grabs something off one of the shelves and throws it at the mirror. The mirror shatters into a million pieces. The screams of the demon fly through the quiet house before it dies off somewhere in the distance. Bobby throws a blanket around Mia. Who are you? His big moment. I'm Bobby Joe fucking Williams, demon hunter. Aren't you the guy on that shitty TV show? His bubble bursts. Come on. Bobby Joe grabs her by the arm.

20:11Exterior, Walter's house, night. Bobby Joe leads Mia out of the house, now with clothes on. He pulls her towards a shitty van parked at the curb. What are you doing? Get the hell out of here. What do you think? You can't! My parents are still in there. Hold on. Wait a minute. You want to go back in there? You're Looney Tunes, kid. He'll kill both of us. Well, he'll kill my parents if we don't. Kid, ain't enough money in the world to get me to go back in there. She yanks her hand free. Well, I'm going. Alone if I have to. She marches toward Richard's house. She pauses, turns. Loser. Mia stomps off.

20:50Wait! She turns back to him. If we do this, we need to go in prepared. I got some stuff in the van. He opens the van's rear doors. Mia walks back and checks it out. She sees it's just a mattress, some empty Red Bull cans, and porno magazines. There's nothing in here. Bobby pushes her into the back of the van and closes the door. He shoves a tire iron into the handles, seals it shut. You fucking dickhole! Mia bangs on the doors. Bobby Joe turns back to the house. Don't worry, kid. BJ will handle this. And ignore those magazines. They're just research for a part. Bobby Joe walks on while Mia continues to slam her fists against the van doors.

21:34Exterior, Richard's house, night. Bobby Joe stands in front of Richard's house. It's even creepier than before. Fog rolls over every corner. A biting wind sways branches that scratch at the windows like claws. What the hell you doing, Bobby? He takes the flask out of his inside jacket pocket and takes a big drink. All right. Time to punch the clock. Bobby Joe forges on, up the porch and inside Richard's house. The door is slammed shut behind him. He seals him in. Fade to interior Richard's house, night. Walter stirs at the foot of the stairs. He groans loudly, holding the back of his head. Samantha glides to where he lies.

22:19Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't say Sam. I just was groaning. That was my thing. It was so dramatic. Walter stirs at the foot of the stairs. He groans loudly, holding the back of his head. Oh, Sam. Samantha glides to where he lies. She wears different clothes now, a flowy black nightgown. Shh, Walter, it's all right. She holds his head tenderly, rests his head against the floor again. Sam, you're all right. Richard, is he... Walter, you don't need to worry about him anymore. What do you mean? I'm here, baby. You don't have to worry about anything anymore. She kisses him deeply. Sam? Another Sam appears in Walter's view as he lies on his back.

23:06What? The second Sam kisses him, then a third, a fourth. The four Sams caress and fondle him. It's overwhelming, but Walter is confused, lost in the embrace. His eyes start to go fuzzy, nearing unconsciousness again. Suddenly, the front door slams open. A towering figure stands in the entryway. The spell is interrupted. The four demons on top of Walter look up and screech at the man. Hey, sea bitches! The four demons scurry away, crawling along the walls before they disappear into the dark corners of the house. Bobby Joe runs to Walter's side. Hey, kid. Kid! Bobby Joe smacks him once, then very hard a second time.

23:49Ow! Oh, good. You're not dead. Well, I wouldn't go that far. Walter struggles to his feet with Bobby Joe's help. Walter grabs the sword off the floor. Where's Sam? I thought you had her. I don't. She was here. Walter remembers what really happened. Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He took her. Okay, we have to find her. Walter looks around while Bobby Joe helps him to his feet. You good? Walter's legs go wobbly, but he catches himself. No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. You check upstairs. I'll check down. Why do we have to split up? It's faster. It's a good way to get me killed. Okay, fine. Fine. We'll stick together.

24:25Downstairs work for you. The two of them search carefully through the house, ready for something to jump out and kill them any moment. That book you showed me. They tell you how to kill this thing? Yeah, about that. Walter stops. You don't know how to kill. It was a book on movie monsters. I just really, really need the money, all right? You washed up Hank. You dragged me into this, man. I never said I was some kind of monster expert. Walter blinks. Yes, that's exactly what you've been saying the whole damn time. I just say what they tell me to say. I don't even watch the movies. They continue to argue.

25:00Cutaway, a clawed finger flips a switch on an amplifier. Disorienting synth music blares through the house. The lights shut off, replaced by pink and purple strobe lights. What the hell? Nancy, Diane, and Karen appear before the duo. Demons in pastel activewear, shrouded in fog and gelled lighting. Walter and Bobby Joe feel their presence. They glare at each other, then slowly turn around. But they vanished. The jogger demons appear behind the two men again. Their demon eyes glow red in the dark. Bobby Joe reaches in his pants for the gun. Walter clutches the large sword tighter. Bobby Joe draws the gun, but Demon Karen backhands him across the face before he can fire.

25:43He hurtles backwards. The gun sails across the room. Bobby Joe groans and rolls over. He notices the crossbow that slid under there grabs it. Demon Nancy grabs Walter by the throat and lifts him in the air. Where's Sam? Bobby Joe stands and fires the crossbow at Demon Nancy. It sails right through her throat. Blood gushes as she chokes. She turns and looks at Bobby Joe before she collapses to the floor, dead, back in her human form. Walter rushes to Bobby Joe's side. Karen and Diane see Nancy's corpse. They hiss at Walter and Bobby Joe. Bobby Joe chucks the crossbow and picks up the mace he dropped.

26:25Not my first four-way. Really? Now? You take the ugly one. Before the men get their bearings, the demons attack. Karen tosses Walter aside, then rushes at Bobby Joe. He avoids a swipe of her claws and swings the mace. It annihilates Karen's face. She collapses, back in her human form, her jaw ripped off. Stunt training for my film Redneck Zombies 3, The South's Revenge. Not the time! Diane, alone now, screams. She grabs Bobby Joe by the throat, wrenches his wrist until he drops the head. Bobby Joe punches her in the face, but she barely feels it. He smiles apologetically. She digs her sharp claws into Bobby Joe's shoulder.