What It Takes To Leave, and How to Rebuild after Financial Ruin (w/ Nurse Hadley)

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1:53Haley: That's 50 % off your first year at monarch.com with code financialtea. So she's like, you need to open up your own bank account and you need to start putting away money as you can so that you can feed your kids if you need to like leave in the middle of the night. Wow. And he actually called me while I was packing and he was like, are you actually going without me? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, well, don't spend money while you're up there. you have no money. And I was like, what do you mean? I do have money. No, I've been shorting stocks. Like we have nothing. This is Financial Tea.

2:31Haley: What's up, Sippers? Welcome back to Financial Tea. This is the podcast where I teach you how to build wealth with a side of market drama, money scandals, and of course, financial pop culture. And today in the studio, we have Nurse Hadley. You probably know her from the internet. She is all over our feeds. She's that hospice nurse, always making amazing videos. She's also the New York Times bestselling author of The In Between, but she's also has a crazy story of financial betrayal and really was able to leave a marriage because she was able to afford to leave her marriage. And so today, I really want to talk to you about the cost of starting over, about rebuilding trust because now you're remarried, and also about what your patients have taught you about spending both your money and your time.

3:25Haley: So we've got a lot to cover. Yeah. Hadley, welcome to Brooklyn, girl. Thank you. Welcome to the financial tea. Thank you so much. I'm excited to be here. Okay. So we always start the show with a few rapid fire questions. Okay. And I know you're in New York this week, so hopefully you have a good answer to this one. But first things first, what have been your best and worst purchases of the week and how much did they cost? Best would be my youngest turns four this month. So we took her to the American Girl doll store, let her pick out her first American Girl doll, did the hair, the cafe, the whole experience.

3:58So cute. It was great. It was$500, but it was worth it. What, how was it$500? So there's the doll and then I let her pick out the matching outfit. for the birthday and then the hair and then they do the doll's hair and then there's the tea.

4:11Haley: Oh, they do the girl's, they do your daughter's hair too. Yeah. Oh, so they, the doll and your daughter completely match. Yes. Oh my God. That must have been the best day of her life. So cute. Okay, love. And then what was the worst purchase? I just had to pay my legal fees for my divorce, which I am divorced, but the entire trial is not even over yet. It's supposed to end in like a month and a half. And so I'm up to over six figures of legal fees. Oh my gosh. That's so crazy. You have lived and continue to live many lives. You are a hospice nurse, which is really incredible work. You are a content creator.

4:48Haley: I love your videos and bestselling author. We're part of the same publishing house. So will you introduce yourself for anyone who might not be familiar with your story though? Yeah. My name is Hadley. I'm known online as Nurse Hadley. and I started working in hospice in 2016. Currently, I've left bedside to try to open a nonprofit hospice house, which our area very desperately needs. I became a nurse because I got pregnant at 19 with my son and he is now about to be 14, but I just needed a way to support us and I wanted to be an author, but that was not gonna pay the bills at 19 while pregnant.

5:29So I became a nurse, ended up in hospice, fell in love with it. And I just realized that although people see hospice as like sad and death, the day a patient dies is just one moment of six months with them on average. So I felt like I was seeing a lot of life in end of life care. And I did not expect for my patients to have such a profound impact on my life and really changed my life in so many ways. And as they were giving me advice at the end of their life, I would start writing them down. And then eventually I felt kind of selfish for having all of this like incredible life changing advice.

6:13And when I started in 2020 to post online, I didn't think anyone would want to hear my stories because it's hospice and, you know, at parties, people like, what do you do? And I'm like, hospice. And they're like, oh gosh sorry and um so I made a video I was like you know I think I have cool stories does anyone want to hear them and I just started sharing them and then from there people were like you should write a book and that is what the in-between was born and then now my next book how to let go is 13 more patients and I also feel like they're living on in some way through my book and um Right after my first book released three and a half years ago, I ended up going through a divorce.

6:58And then that became a crazy legal battle.

7:03Haley: And I really want to get into that. But I want to start with you having this baby at 19 because that's such a crazy turning point for someone. I'm 35. And even at this stage of life, you know, where like we're all established in our careers, it feels so financially daunting. And so, yeah, how did you even go about affording it at that time? Like, I know you became a nurse, but, you know, what felt out of reach? How much did you have to make? Yeah, I used every public assistance program available. I was on Medicaid. I was on food stamps. I used WIC when I was pregnant. I was part of their group of women in Florida who you can apply for a scholarship that while you're in school, as long as you're getting A's and B's, they will pay for your daycare.

8:00Oh my God. Amazing. And I just had to keep up my grades and then show my attendance. So he could not be in daycare unless I was in school. So I was like bringing him to study groups and stuff like that. And then I did take out student loans and I made it work. And then I worked night, weekends, because that's what pays the most as a nursing assistant, nursing intern while I was in school. And thankfully, I got to study a lot during those times too. And that's how I survived those three years.

8:37Haley: That's so remarkable. and when your book became successful, that seems like that was like a big financial moment because it was such a big hit. Yes. So what changed financially? Like, how did earning more make you feel safer? How did your lifestyle change? So it didn't at first. My now ex-husband was very frugal, in my opinion, what I thought, And I wanted to be able to leave bedside so that I could open up this nonprofit hospice house. But I did not want to draw a salary from donations. That was very important to me that everything that was being donated would go to the patients in need. But obviously, I couldn't support myself and my kids without that.

9:23So I had been saving everything from social media, still working as a nurse, picking up extra shifts, you know, not going on vacation, thinking that I was saving all of this money. and then when my ex-husband and I separated, I found out that he had gambled away hundreds of thousands of dollars, everything. So that was definitely the biggest turning point and I would say others in legal bills, I'm like just now getting back to a place of being okay again.

9:52Haley: So, so crazy. And I think it's something that so many people relate to, especially now with all of the online sports gambling and even the prediction markets, you just don't know what's happening with your spouse on their phones. Yeah. So with your ex-husband though, what was the first sign that something was wrong? So I sold my book in the UK and I wanted to go over there and just like see it. But it wasn't like a necessary trip. Yeah. And he was like really, really like, we don't need to go to the UK. And I'm like, why? Like, I know we have hundreds of thousands of dollars. I know we can go for a trip.

10:25We never go on trips. Like we have family willing to watch the kids. and he was like no I just think that it's bad you know it's a bad decision and I remember thinking that's so odd that we have so much money and we're driving um cars you know we live in a house that was like three hundred thousand dollars which I know is like mid to nice but not not someone who's been a New York Times bestseller kind of like house and driving a car from 2014 that has over 100 ,000 miles on it. And I'm like thinking, I'm like, gosh, like I understand being like thrifty, but it feels like we have no money at all.

11:03And I remember being like, that is just so odd.

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12:35Haley: With your financial progression, so you went from being a hospice nurse, which is like, how much do you make as a hospice nurse? So I was making, when I quit the bedside, I was making$36 an hour, which is really not that bad in Mississippi. So like how, like over a year, how much do you think you were making? I was probably making 70 to 80 with like the extra shifts that I was picking up. Amazing. And then after that, like basically, so you go from making that much and then like how much is the book deal? I got, my first book deal was$318 ,000. Wow, amazing. Which was great. Yeah. But as you know, it's into four payments.

13:11Haley: Yeah, you don't get it all at once. But you're like, okay, this is a nice big chunk of money. It definitely was. And I went from working, you know, five days a week to three. And then the two days, whenever the kids would go to daycare, he would go to work, I would write my book. And then once the book came out or was being promoted, then I went to making videos about the book on those two days. Amazing. And then were you also doing like partnerships on social media? Yes, here and there. I don't do that many of them. I was on your page, you don't. I'm like very selective with them. I just don't like doing them.

13:44Haley: Okay. So you have this financial progression where you have this big payday and your husband is managing the finances. So you don't really know what's going on behind closed doors, but you're like, you know, something feels a little off because I know that we're making more than this cost of living that feels very reasonable. We've got an old car. You know, our house isn't crazy. How come we can't go to England? Yeah. So I want to give really tangible advice. So I'm curious, can you get a little bit nitty gritty and tell us like where your money was kept with him, how your husband managed those finances so that he was able to gamble away so much without you knowing?

14:23Yeah, so actually we did have, we had a credit cards and then the joint account and that was it. And I actually did look at the joint account and I would see it was about 5 ,000 once to twice a week over about two year time period. And it was going into Robinhood, which I knew was stocks. And he told me it was a long-term safe investments. He was like very serious about that. And he was always saying like, we need to just like not touch this. Like we need to, if we have excess, then what we need, it needs to go into the stocks, which I mean, felt reasonable to me. So I didn't think that I needed to look at Robinhood because I would ask him how much.

15:03And like I had kind of an idea and he would tell me, but it turns out he was shorting stocks which I considered him gambling and then also he was going to the casino as well my gosh so crazy so you're saying five thousand dollars a week how much did that amount to it was whenever we got all the numbers back which of course has been through the legal battles it was almost three hundred thousand dollars in shorting stocks and then we got all of the casino records so we live in Biloxi Mississippi so there's like tons of casinos around us. And he had put in just one casino,$222 ,000, but he didn't lose all of that because like he was winning sometimes.

15:44But I was still angry about it and being like, the fact that that was amount of money was even ever on the line makes me so angry.

15:51Haley: So angry. And what information looking back do you wish you had like insisted on having? And then what do you think was reasonable to trust him with? I think that, you know, now being further removed from it, it was, we had a dynamic. So he was almost 10 years older than me. When we met, I was this very young single mom, new nurse. He has a doctorate of physical therapy and we met working at a nursing home together. So we always had this almost like he was saving me kind of complex situation. And so I never felt like I could really like question him or it would turn into a big fight. I do wish now that I would have just been given a Robinhood login.

16:36Like I had the joint account login. Because if I would have seen that he was shorting stocks or that, even that we were losing a lot, like that could have been a conversation before it snowballed into hundreds of thousands of dollars. And now I'm remarried. And of course, we have finances too. I think that it's better to just, it needs to be a red flag if you can't ask what's going on. Like, I think trust, but verify. Like, it shouldn't be a problem. Like, if I were to ask Brett, like, how much do we have in the account? And he were to lie to me and I found out that that's a lie. Like, that's the issue.

17:11Totally. Not that I'm looking.

17:13Haley: Yeah, 100%. And what's also crazy is that the first husband knew exactly what to say. Like, he knew what he was supposed to be doing with the money almost. where he's like, we're putting it in stocks. It's a long-term play. It's like, okay, that does sound really responsible. Like I get, you know, and I think also as women, we have so much on our plates. We're taking care of the house where maybe we have elder parents that we're taking care of. There's so many responsibilities. And so when you have a partner who's going to manage the money, it feels like, great. That's one thing off my plate. Amazing.

17:46Haley: Like what a relief, but it's actually let them do anything else. Let them sign the kids up for soccer. Let them take them to American Girl Cafe, whatever it is that's like on your list that's burdening you. Let them take that off, but never let them take off the money. I agree. And you know, I did like that he did the finances and you know, I did not suddenly become like super financially savvy whenever I went through this divorce and separation. I still don't like it. So I have a financial advisor. Yeah, that's fine. And, you know, I think that that is okay. I don't think that you need to become an expert.

18:22Haley: You don't. I think you need to know like the base. Yeah, so you're not screwed over by the financial advisor too. You need to be able to understand. And you need a financial advisor who talks to you in plain English and makes it really simple, which is an art. Like I feel like there's a lot that, you know, love to just mumble on with all the jargon. But look, I'm all about systems. I think that's great. like just anything that you have that like that works like that do it as long as you know like that it's a you know the structure of how they're paid and all of that but you know what I also think is really interesting is like when you hear a situation like this I'm maybe this happened to you maybe it didn't but I feel like the advice is always just like leave Hadley like you know you're in a bad situation just walk out the door but the thing is is that it is so expensive to leave.

19:13Haley: So as someone who did leave, what did that actually cost? It was a lot. And I honestly think that part of me is very grateful that I was not aware of the battle in front of me because I don't know if I would have left at the time. Like if I would have known that the last three years of my life were as expensive as they were, as difficult as they were, I mean, just all of the legal stuff at the time, I would not have left. Of course, now I'm overjoyed that I left, but I was in such a position to just not know. And I mean, yeah, my legal fees are in the six figures. Yeah, it's bonkers. And, you know, you always say the version of you earning, you know, $27 an hour couldn't have afforded the same way out.

19:59Haley: So what would have kept her stuck? Yeah, it concerns me a lot. And on top of that, just I mean, we're up to I think 15 days of trial now. I would be fired as a nurse. They don't care why you're taking off. They're like, you can't take off 15 days, plus depositions, plus discovery and all the other prep. I mean, I would have been fired. I mean, it just scares me for other women. Yeah. I know so many women who are in situations like this. That's why I always tell people to get the emergency fund because you need that. I call it freedom money. It's your freedom fund to leave. You always have to be able to walk away, but it's so much easier said than done because when you are a single mom, when you do have all these expenses and you are like in the thick of it with someone, it's so brave and hard to step into the unknown versus stay where you are, even if you don't like it.

20:52Yes, and I don't wanna go off on a tangent if you don't want me to, but there is actually a story of an emergency fund from my story. Oh, definitely. That's on a tangent, honey. We're on the financial tea. So when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter in 2019, I actually went and saw a divorce lawyer. Oh, wow. And she told me that in Mississippi, you cannot get a divorce while you're pregnant. She's like, so we can't even file this. You can't get a divorce while you're pregnant in Mississippi? No. And so she's like, so we can't even file this. So you're going to need to wait regardless. And then she told me, she was like, it was, of course, I mean, not of course, but it was an abusive situation.

21:32So she's like, you need to open up your own bank account and you need to start putting away money as you can so that you can feed your kids if you need to like leave in the middle of the night. And so I did this. I followed her advice. We of course stayed together. And also I want to say that while I had seen a divorce lawyer and I was considering it, I still was not really at a point where I was like ready to leave at that point. In 2020, early 2020, I started social media. I had only managed, well if you remember social media in the early days tiktok was paying nothing yeah instagram and facebook are paying like nothing i wasn't getting brand deals and so i had only managed to save fifty dollars by the time he found that account he found the paperwork and i mean just braided me to nothing i mean just completely terrible we end up seeing this marriage counselor for the first time because of this financial deception on my part, I guess.

22:33Haley: You're the one who's in the wrong. Well, and I kind of thought I was like, well, this is good. Like this therapist is going to be able to like find a middle ground. It'll be OK. I mean, I think most people know how Mississippi can be. This therapist completely treated me like he was like, you cannot be in a marriage and have one foot out the door. And I was like, well, I just like want to have something to where I feel okay. Like if something were to happen, he's like, you can't be in a marriage like that. And he made me sit there in the office and give over every single password to all of my social media accounts and make sure that every single penny I made from social media went into his PayPal.

23:18I was no longer allowed to have it. He was like, take out the cash in your wallet. he was like, this is how you rebuild trust in your marriage. Are you kidding me? I just felt like, I mean, I felt like on one hand now, I'm like, that was crazy. But at the time, you know, I have a husband who's telling me that I'm in the wrong and I'm terrible. Then you go see a therapist and he's like, how could you hide? Like you can't have secrets in a marriage. Oh my gosh. And so that really kept me stuck for much longer because I felt like I couldn't tell what was reality, where I was wrong, where I was right.

23:55And that was pretty bad, that part of it.

24:00Haley: I'm so sorry you went through that. What ended up being the breaking point, like where you were like, okay, this is it? Yeah. When did you discover everything? When we separated, actually. Oh. Um, so part of my book that I said is that I felt like I had to wait until I had a good enough reason to leave for everyone to not hate me, you know, friends, family, everyone. But I was so unhappy and it was like the thousand cuts that lead you dry. I was to the point that I was like wishing he would cheat on me so that I could leave and I would have a reason. And, um, I just was so incredibly unhappy. So I was actually coming up to New York because the Times was putting me in the magazine.

24:50And I told him, I don't want you to come because there had recently been a book signing the month prior where he had gone out all night the night before where I was like, where are you? Didn't know where you were all until 3 a.m. Like was exhausted from my book signing the next morning. So I was like, you know, this is too important. I can't do it. I can't do it. You cannot come. and so um he actually called me while I was packing and he was like are you actually going without me and I was like yeah and he was like well don't spend money while you're up there you have no money and I was like what do you mean I do have money and he's like no and then he's like tone shifted and he was like no I've been shorting socks like we have nothing nothing he's like I felt like I couldn't even get a sandwich in the airport while going to be interviewed by the New York times.

25:40And that was, that was like a flip, a switch flip for me, that moment. Like I have never once from that moment, like wanted to go back because it had gone from me being like, yes, I think I should leave. Yes. I should put myself first. But then being like the push and pull of like, well, but the kids and like, should I leave or should I not? And then I was like, okay, it's now no longer like you are just making me unhappy. Now it's like, you're actively harming me and the kids. And so like, that was the, you know, delightful moment for me. And I've never regretted it ever, but his friends and family still think that I'm like totally in the wrong.

26:14But I also say, and like, what's so important to me about writing this book and like giving all of the reasons is that I honestly feel like I was so ready to leave when I did that if he wouldn't have taken out the trash that week, that I would have left. Like that is how done I was. And so I don't want to like say, you know, he lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. That's why I left. Although I feel like that's an acceptable reason. It's not the only reason. And I hope that other women can see themselves in that.

26:44Haley: Yeah. Like that. It doesn't have to be this big thing. You can leave however you, whenever you want to leave for whatever reason, it can be big, it can be small, but when you're done, get out of there. Yeah, I think the test that I wish I would have applied earlier was that, and I learned this in my therapist's office after, because I was in a point where I was starting to date again and just worried I was going to get back into something else the same again. and um she kind of picked up and realized that I was saying that every time he came home from work and would pull into the driveway especially those days where I was doing content or podcasts or whatever but when he arrived back I immediately it was like and it was a burden yes I was like he's gonna be mad he's gonna be upset I'm gonna be managing him I'm gonna have to look after him And I was like, I think that that can be a good test for someone else to know.

27:39Like, whenever he pulls into the driveway, is it more often than not that you're not excited?

27:45Haley: Why do you think that he told you in that moment? Because obviously he had been sitting on this for so long. Do you think he was trying to trip you up before this big moment? Or like that it finally got to a breaking point where he really actually did need to tell you? Like, you know, because he was hiding the secret. Why? He didn't get caught. He volunteered this. I think that it was he was just so angry that I was going to New York without him That that was his way of like getting back at me Wow, okay That's crazy So then what would you tell to someone listening who suspects that their partner is?

28:21Haley: You know hiding spending or debt because I hear these stories all the time now I I think that you need to Go to them and I think that you need to ask to see it and I think that But, you know, it's kind of, in my opinion, akin to like the cheating. Like, I think that it's an issue if you feel like you need to go through your husband's phone every single day when they're not doing anything wrong. But I also think it's an issue if they're hiding their phone. And so I think that there can be that balance there. But I do think that it's a red flag if they won't let you see everything. Totally. And also, legally, if you're married to someone, you can look at their finances.

29:00Haley: Like it's like you're taught, you know, people don't realize that, that like you can look at their credit score, things like that. I think it was over a week ago that I saw you post a video, though, where you said you'd know by now whether the court ruled if your ex-husband would legally owe you any of that money. Have you found out yet? Like, will any of it be recovered? So this is very common in my court case. So I was supposed to be fully done with everything February of this year. That was supposed to be the final thing because, like I said, we're at, like, 15 days. Then we had three more days.

29:33And then we had three more days. And so it was supposed to be last time we were in there, which was, like, a week ago. That was the absolute last day. Now it's November 30th.

29:45Haley: So it just keeps getting pushed. I do know that the judge did say, so what he really, really wants is he wants a percentage of my book royalty income for the rest of his life. Oh my gosh. Because I wrote it while we were married. And of course, you know, I understand some situations where that would seem like a business. And obviously it's a very unique situation. Thankfully, the judge said she was like, well, it's not like a business. Like, it's not like you can, I can split up computers or I can split up, you know, a building. She's like, it's her. It's her thoughts. It's her ideas. And no, you're not touching that.

30:26So that was the biggest weight off my shoulders. I just don't want to have to pay for the rest of my life for a four or almost five-year marriage.

30:35Haley: That's just crazy. And when he already, like, got, you know, ran through. Everything that I had made, yeah. A hundred percent. He's taken enough. Cool fall nights always make me want to entertain more. A few friends around the table, maybe a fire outside when the sun goes down. Before everyone comes over, I stop at Total Wine & More. Right now, there's a cranberry-flavored wine, a crisp apple wine, even a pumpkin spice cream that's perfect in coffee after dinner. And with the lowest prices, I can bring home a few different fall flavors for everyone to try. Find your favorite fall flavors at the lowest prices at Total Wine & More.

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31:48Haley: Another really interesting element to your whole story is the Mississippi part of it, because these divorce laws there are so crazy. And I know you talk a lot about wanting to change them. It seems pretty obvious that they're so behind most of the country and that they don't really have a true no-fault divorce system. So do you think you could tell us a little bit more about those laws and how you would want to change them? Yeah, I didn't realize until I was in it what it is. You know, the people who push back on it are like, well, we need to protect marriage and we need to, you know, it shouldn't be easy to get a divorce.

32:25And I'm thinking to myself, well, most people aren't like aware of what divorce laws are until they're sitting in a divorce lawyer's office. Like if you're already there, you're already done. It's not going to protect anything. It's just now I need an exit. I don't know why you have to block that exit if you need one. It doesn't make a marriage stronger. Totally. I'm keeping someone hostage.

32:46Haley: Yeah, forcing someone to stay doesn't mean that you're going to, out of the blue, get happy. Yeah. Yeah. But Mississippi is insane. They're the worst state, in my opinion. So there are only 12 reasons why you can get a divorce. What? If they won't sign. So we have no-fault divorce if both people will agree to it, which is what, like, probably 90 % of people do. um but if someone wants to keep you hostage uh the burden is on you to meet one of those 12 reasons and if you can't meet them in a court of law and have enough proof of one of them um they you stay married forever it is dismissed and you can never refile for divorce ever again that is so crazy it's insane and the and the 12 reasons too like you would think like oh that's kind of a lot.

33:34I mean, one of them is that you're related. I mean, like, not helpful.

33:40Haley: Yeah. It is like that you're in jail for over a year. So if you're incarcerated for 11 months, you can't get a divorce. Um, I mean, just, you know, of course there's cheating, um, which, you know, makes a lot of sense, but like habitual, cruel and inhumane treatment is what I got a divorce for. But the amount of proof that you need for that is it's a lot. It's great. It's exhausting. I mean, it's if you're hit once, you can't leave. It has to be habitual. So crazy. Yeah. I think it's amazing that you're drawing attention to that because it really does need to be changed. Yes. And you know, in the meantime, you can't move on with your life.

34:20I mean, I would still miss blahos and everything. I mean, you know, I had moved on. I was dating Brett and I'm just still legally his wife. It's just crazy. Like I'm owned.

34:32Haley: And one of the ways that you tried to get out of the divorce was by hiring a private investigator, which honestly, I've never talked to anyone who's done that in real life. It seems like really cool, but made up and sort of fun, but not fun, obviously, to find that information. But I'm like, ooh, a PI, like it's sort of cool. Yeah. Now you're like, wow, they really do the digging for you. So can you tell me a little bit about what that process is like? And how much does it cost to get a PI? I think I paid him. Yeah. I think I paid him like 10 grand total. He followed him two different times. But basically, I went to my first divorce lawyer and told him what proof I had.

35:15Even the gambling, that was not enough. Wow. And so because apparently shorting stocks is not gambling, like legally. To me, it is.

35:24Haley: To me, it is too. And I'm a financial expert. But it doesn't fall under that definition. Day trading, I think, is gambling. Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, well, he's dating someone else. And he's like, that's you have to have proof of it. And I'm like, OK, because apparently just going into court and being like, gather, date someone else. They say, no, I'm not. That's not enough of a reason for infidelity. And so that's all I wanted. I was like, get a picture of them kissing. Let's move on with our lives. Yeah, that's picture. So keep in mind, I'm a registered nurse. He's a doctor of physical therapy.

36:03I mean, I don't know. Unfortunately is the right word. The PR report ended up showing that he was likely drinking before seeing patients. And so then I was in a position. Like, I got too much information. Where I'm a mandated reporter. Oh. And so I called the board of nursing and was like, am I, do I have to report this? Because this is about to go from like possibly amicable to not if I do this. And I, you know, know I'm a nurse and I care about my patients, but I did not want to have to make that report. Yeah. My biggest concern was that, you know, because normally you would think like, well, how would anyone know that you know that.

36:45But if you're in this court case, my biggest concern is that he would harm a patient. And then if they had a lawsuit, that discovery would show that I knew about this from my lawsuit. And then I was concerned that the nursing board would be like, you could have prevented someone from being harmed. Like you can't be a nurse either. And so I was like, well, I guess for the kid's sake, it's better for one person to have a job than no one to have a job as the parents. so um i had to report him and he lost his license for like six months and then he entered into an agreement where he asked to do like a lot of testing so he lost his income through this

37:28Haley: you didn't mean that for that to happen but you discovered a little bit more than you expected which i understand completely why you have to report it how did that affect your agreement with him because then he's not earning. Yeah. So his attorneys have alleged that I did it maliciously. And I'm like, I'm not the board of physical therapy. All I did was turn over what I have. And then they made the decisions, but they have, as a result of him losing that income, he has income again now, but due to that time, they said that he's going to have a hard time with like basically a probation license, like ever getting another job.

38:05So even though he only has the kids four days a month. He wants child support from me. He asked for alimony, a percentage of my book income for the rest of his life. He wants all that's left of the joint account, which is not that much anymore. He wants the home that we lived in. He currently has exclusive use of it and has for a while. He wants me to pay off his student loans, which is over a hundred thousand dollars. He wants the car that we had. He wants my car that I got after separation. He wants the house that Brett and I bought after separation. Like if he gets his way in court, me and the kids are homeless, penniless, and carless, which is just crazy.

38:52Haley: Do you feel like the Mississippi divorce courts lean more towards the man? No. I don't feel like I have an advantage being a woman, but I don't believe that they lean either way. I feel like it's been fair. And someone once said that if you both leave unhappy, then the judge has done their job. There you go. That's like any negotiation. You both have to lose a little. Yeah. Oh, I just hope that we get some peace here, girl, because I want you to have this beautiful next chapter that you're starting. But let's talk about Brett because you recently got married again, which is amazing. Congratulations.

39:35Haley: Thank you. I loved your post about how much your New York elopement cost you. How can you trust a partner again after all of this? And what is the financial agreement with Brett? Yeah, I think that you don't fully trust again. And I think that's okay. I think that, of course, I trust Brett, but I don't believe that a successful, happy marriage means that you have to give over the keys to your life. I don't want to ever be in a position where someone could ruin my life again. And so, you know, we both have full access. I mean, we have separate accounts. We have one joint and we both have full access to it.

40:18There's no secrets there. And I think it's going to stay that way for now. And I think that that's okay. I feel comfortable always having my own account.

40:27Haley: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I mean, I feel comfortable having my own account and I don't have all of this that has happened to me. So I feel like for you, it must be very exaggerated. How were you able to explain all this to Brett? Like, how did it feel dating after something like this? Because it's a lot to sort of share and, you know, for someone else to process. Yeah, we both had a lot going on. um we were just completely honest with each other i think we were both in a position when we met of really not caring if we like dated like we were just kind of dating and having fun i don't think either of us even expected to end up in a relationship or falling in love um but he's actually lived a lot of this legal stuff with me yeah it sounds like that um we met about six months after I was separated.

41:18But the legal process of it all, like for a while, I thought that we were going to be amicable, didn't start until January of 2025. So like I said, the Instagram post of nine months in saying, yes, I'm dating Brett is kind of what kicked it all off.

41:36Haley: Well, I'm so happy for you that you have this new chapter. And something that I wanted to come back to was your work in hospice because I was thinking about it before you arrived that like I really teach people how to save for later. Even my book, Future Rich Person, it's all about having time in front of you that you need to plan for. And then you really care for people who are running out of time and running out of later. And so how do we balance those two realities? I think that it might seem odd, but something I have seen a lot from my work is people who worked their entire life and they get to retirement and they get like a terminal diagnosis and they never really get to enjoy what they saved for.

42:20So I try to find a good balance now, especially now that I'm not in my previous marriage where, I mean, like I said, he was actually like positioned himself as above me in the saver and like I couldn't enjoy myself at all. And so now, I mean, we have a house. It definitely was a fixer upper, but it's a contractor, but - It's so beautiful.

42:41Haley: I love seeing your videos. It's beautiful. And I love it. And I, there's definitely something very happy about being in a home that you just love every day. Um, so, you know, I no longer feel like I need to just be like bare bones, never spend anything at all. You know, I got this outfit to match my book cover. I love that outfit. You look amazing. Thank you. I think that there's this, um, balance just because I have seen so many patients just work and save and it all ends up just going to their kids. Yeah, so true. Was there a specific patient who could think about who really like made that shift for you that changed how you spend money?

43:17Haley: Well, I think I see both. So I see people who do get an unexpected diagnosis, say at like 67, and they've just been retired. And then, you know, they can't spend it all or it ends up going to medical bills. Such a big part of it. Yeah, it's so expensive. I always tell people about that. But at the same time, you do not want to have nothing and be dying. You just don't. It is not cheap to get older. It is not cheap to be sick. And if you can have, you know, less worries and be able to have caregivers if you need it or, you know, even get elective procedures. I mean, I've had some people really have meaningful years added to their life because of non-insurance covered experimental treatments that they did.

44:10And so I think that you really need to find that balance.

44:15Haley: Yeah, that flexibility. I always tell people you need at least 300K, basically. Like that's what the national average is, I think, for couples in retirement and on health care out of pocket. Yeah. That's interesting. And, you know, something that I feel like a lot of my audience is dealing with, it's obviously aging parents. And so are there any conversations that you think that we should have with our parents now so we aren't guessing during a crisis? Yeah, there's a lot. You're like, that's my next book. Yeah. So we have something newer, I guess. So when I first started as a hospice nurse, we didn't really see this much.

44:54It's called the sandwich generation. I guess they just had a name for it. which is where you have younger kids and then your parents are also needing care. Because we're all having kids later, except me, and then people are living longer. A lot of people in their like 40s and 50s sometimes will have 20-year-old, they're still fully supporting, you know, a 23-year-old. And then they have aging parents who need their help. And then, of course, since the retirement age is getting later and later, you end up having people who need a lot of care, but you still have to work full time. And it is almost impossible.

45:35Yeah. I very strongly feel like against videos I see online where they think, oh, if you put your loved one in a nursing home or assisted living, like you're a bad person. I think it is way, way, way worse to keep someone at home that you absolutely cannot care for and neglect them. I think that is so much worse. And we sometimes have to accept that people need help. And if you have to go to work, that is the best place for them. That is love. That is not abandoning someone. You can still go see them. I really don't like the rhetoric about it being like you're a bad daughter or son if you put someone in a nursing home.

46:15But you definitely need to know their wishes. Fivewishes.org, I believe. You can, I think it's$5, and you can print it out. And it is a little notebook that you can go through and it will explain all of your end of life wishes. And it makes it super easy to understand. So it's saying like, if I have like an incurable disease, do I want IV antibiotics? If it would just extend my life a little bit, do I want CPR? And it explains it very easy and you can really go through it. And just whenever the time comes, if your loved one can't tell you what their wishes are, you can just refer to it. And it's a legally binding document too.

46:55Haley: Oh, that's amazing. That's fivewishes.org. Yep. That's amazing. That's such a helpful tool. Thank you so much. Oh, you know what I wanted to ask you that I feel like people don't talk about enough is power of attorney. Because obviously that's such a big thing when people are dying. And so do you have any stories about that? Yes. So what I see that I wish people understood, I'll just give one example, but this happens all the time. there is a woman who has a son who's a lawyer who lives like three hours north and then her daughter who she lives with who cares for her every day when she was setting up her power of attorney and just all of her paperwork she said i want my son to make the decisions and i want my daughter to be the caregiver which makes so much sense like he's a lawyer he makes decisions i understand where she got that what ended up happening in reality is that the daughter was with us taking care of her mom doing that daily, which is just incredibly hard.

47:54And every time she wanted to do everything, she had to call her brother for permission. And it created a lot of hard feelings and a lot of just unnecessary stress at the end for everyone. And so I think that you should really consider whoever's going to be your caregiver. Although it seems fair to split up and give everyone a little bit of responsibility, the person who's caring for you day to day, I feel like should be the one who is able to make decisions. Like, as you can imagine, going to a doctor and they say, oh, we should order this and having to call someone else who doesn't even know what's going on three hours away.

48:30It just doesn't even make logistical sense.

48:33Haley: Oh, my gosh. Okay. Yeah. So make sure that the power of attorney is the one who's with the patient on a day to day basis. And it's not like some person in the sky who you have to Yeah, exactly. It doesn't know what's going on. But it's also sort of like abusing their power a little sometimes it sounds like. Well, thank you so much for sharing your story and for coming here. I've been a fan of yours for so long. And it just is really, I love your work. And I am so excited to read How to Let Go. So everyone, make sure that you pre-order Hadley's book. Really helps authors when you pre-order. We want it.

49:09Haley: How many months were you on the bestseller list last time? 17 or 18 weeks. 17 or 18 weeks. She was on the bestseller list. So much of that is predicated on the pre-order. So let's support our girl. And also, if you love this episode, make sure to share it with a friend. Maybe you have a friend who's going through something similar who could use this advice. But I feel like this was really impactful. And rate and review. It helps the show so much. And we'll see you next week. Thank you, Sippers. Stay rich.

50:01Haley: I'll see you next time.

50:12Oh, so good.