A Letter to My Dog

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1:57Oh, Clutchy, how clueless was I when you came into my life? You were so much, and I knew so little. But as much work as you were, I knew early on that you and I were meant to be. It was the tail end of the pandemic, and I won't lie, we had all been through a lot by then. My last human relationship had just failed in a pretty painful way. I was tired and sick of isolating alone. And I'd honestly been thinking about getting a dog, but also thinking about what a big commitment that was. But I had the time, so I thought, why not just foster one and see what it's like? You were still in a shelter in Plainview, Texas, when I signed up to foster you.

2:43They'd brought you in as a stray with two other dogs. One we now know is your sister Zoe, who lives not far away. We set you up on a few puppy playdates. You remember that? It was incredibly underwhelming for us pet parents because we went in thinking it would be some sort of grand reunion. And you guys treated each other as if you'd never met. The two of you had been running through the streets of Plainview when you were picked up by animal control. And at the shelter, they renamed you Midnight. And you ended up sharing a kennel with Zoe. It was then Storm. That's all we really know. A rescue down there plucked you and your sister.

3:19And then another rescue up here in Toronto brought you up. You were renamed Clutch, not after the car part, but because the dogs in your cohort were all named after mascots. And I guess Clutch is the mascot of the Houston Rockets. I wouldn't know. Poor Zoe was renamed Yuppie. The rescue here in Toronto told me you were two years old at the time and medium energy. And to that, I say, ha! And another, ha! You were, as it turns out, more like 10 months old, a.k.a. definitely a puppy and decidedly high energy. I can see you nodding your snout in agreement with that. While you were silent for the first three weeks, you quickly found your voice.

4:04And I quickly learned that while the rescue said you were a shepherd mix, you were most certainly a husky mix. Vocal is the understatement of the century, and you haven't always used that power for good, let's be honest. It was hard to understand why you would bark so vociferously at everyone coming in the house, even when you knew them for months or even years. I had to learn what you were telling me then, and in so many other situations. It amazes me the communication channels we can develop with a whole other species that doesn't speak the same language. You taught me that. Now that I know you, I know you were probably cornered and attacked by other dogs, and that's why you now still sometimes lunge and snap at them when you feel like you're being hemmed in, or another dog is getting up in your face.

4:52You can be the same way if another dog takes interest in your food. But you're just fine when I give you a treat and then give another one to another dog sitting politely next to you. I love how complex you are. If there's one thing about you, Kletchy, you're definitely not boring. I don't know if you remember this, but you also had those seizures when you were little, where you'd stumble around and act drunk. It was pretty scary for me to watch you deal with those, especially at first. I can't imagine what was going through your little head. Don't take this the wrong way, Clutch, but Randy later told me he thought I was crazy for adopting you because you were so much.

5:31But I did adopt you because, to paraphrase another friend, you're a handful, but you're so full of love. Given enough time, I have learned you will win anyone over. Randy can testify to that. You roll over and show them that belly and they fall in love. Maybe especially so because you are not automatic with your affection. It's hard one. Though we all know treats and belly rubs go a long way with you. You're a constant reminder to me that the world is not black or white, but a mix of the two and everything in between. Working with you on your reactivity has taught me so much about my own and others.

6:12You've taught me patience, something I hadn't realized was lacking, and reminded me time and again that progress doesn't happen in a straight line. I've learned you are at your best in nature running through the woods, so I've followed suit and we've become really great hiking buddies. You've taught me to slow down and literally smell the flowers. and you've kept me moving on days where frankly I might not have moved and I'll forever thank you for that clutch. You brought me purpose and joy at a time in my life where I needed it and even though I signed up simply to foster you, I quickly fell in love.

6:50You probably knew that already. Bren thinks you bonded with me really early, like day three. I don't know about that. I just know the idea of you getting adopted by someone else literally made my stomach churn. Now I really couldn't imagine life without you. You've been such a grounding force through some messy years, Clutch. And though you do talk back a lot, you are a pretty good listener. You're also incredibly belligerent and smart most of the time. But sometimes I shake my head when we play Find It and there's a treat like right there and you still don't see it. Maybe most importantly, you have brought love into my life when sometimes love has felt hard to come by, including for myself.

7:36It comes up a lot in for a ball confidential conversations. Did I tell you that you inspired a podcast? But the love of an animal is maybe the only example of unconditional love out there. And I honestly feel privileged to be on the receiving end of yours, Clutch. You are so much more than a dog to me, Clu Clu. You're my person, and I love you with my whole heart. Love, Mama.

8:07Now I'm crying.