AMANZA SMITH: FROM SURVIVING ABUSE & ADDICTION TO STARRING IN NETFLIX’S SELLING SUNSET

0:28Hey, it's Adam Grant from WorkLife, a podcast from TED. software, you'll work smarter, not harder. Freshworks uncomplicates. Learn more at freshworks.com. Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void? But with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers, a network of 130 million of them. In fact, you can even target buyers by job title, industry, company, seniority, skills, and did I say job title? See how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads. Spend$250 on your first campaign and get a free$250 credit for the next one.

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2:18Head to oliveandjune.com slash DIYGel20 and use code DIYGel20 for 20 % off your first gel mani system. That's oliveandjune.com slash DIYGel20. Code DIYGel20 for 20 % off your first gel mani system. I've got an idea of how I want to introduce this. Okay, go. Okay, and I need to get in the zone. Hello, everyone. My name is Jamie Lang, and this is Great Company. One, two, three, four. Five, six, seven, eight. No, I'm counting in. Why are you counting in? Basically this morning I was coming into work and I was listening to, what have you done? My pink pony club. Actually, that isn't even the song I'm thinking of.

3:07Anyway, there's another song by Chapel Hill. Jamie's thinking like me, like I've gone mad. Can I just caveat this for a second? So people have just tuned in. All right, Jemima said this to me. I'm the producer, Jamie's the presenter. Correct. I'm the host this is our producer Jemima welcome if you're new to the show you probably know who Jemima is and you probably think she's a pretty stable interesting person she said to me before we started I've got a really good way of launching this show in this episode I went great let's do it this is how you're doing it and you've sung the wrong song no no no you haven't let me finish my story I thought you were going to say the fact that I said that and then just closed my eyes for about five seconds trying to get in the zone right so there's a song I was listening to some music on my way into work and one of Chapel Rowan's songs begins and she goes five six seven eight or maybe one two three and i thought that's quite fun oh that's how i'm going to start great company today but i was having to try and visualize the music because obviously when the show starts there's music playing underneath but which isn't we i add in later so i wanted to do the count in because it would be really annoying if i went five six seven And the music's like, da-da-da-da-da.

4:11No, it's faster. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Okay. Five, six, seven, eight. Welcome. Welcome to Great Company Podcast. That was a really long-winded intro, guys. Sorry. I'm your host, Jamie. This is Jemima. I've been cooking that up all morning. Have you been? It tasted good. I don't... We'll see if that lands. I think it will land. I think it's going to. Hey, seven, eight. Hey, by the way, I want to ask you a question before we start. Go on, shoot. So, I've been listening to a few of the episodes as I always do. Typically we record, right, for an hour and a half, sometimes more, sometimes maybe pushing two hours.

4:44But you edit it down to being around 50 minutes, maybe an hour. So you cut out sometimes quite a lot. Why is that? Well, often bits of it are like ums and ahs and bits or tangents. You sharpen it up, I get that. Sharpen it up. Then there will be full sections that I'll remove. Why? Why do you remove them? Why do you choose to remove some ones? So my advice, if anyone's ever editing, you always top load, which means putting your best stuff first. I don't want to wait 20 minutes for that big laugh. Agreed. I want to come in straight away. Straight away. Sometimes you need a little bit of setup to get me to that big laugh.

5:22But often like the best moments in the episode aren't at the top. That's interesting. And if you if you promise the audience something in a title or something like that, you kind of want to get to that pretty quick. You don't want to lie to whoever's listening right now. That's very interesting. And there's often bits which are really interesting, but they're less than other parts. So what I'll do is try and get something funny or like really accessible at the top. Say like last week with Lindsay Browning, we started with like really broad questions. And then later on, we got into like the more.

5:51So like if someone's listened for half an hour and they're really enjoying it, then they're more invested in those more niche questions of like. I love that. That is so interesting. Well, that is interesting because today's episode, we have. Amanza. Amanza Smith. Amanza Smith. Now, Amanza Smith may be a name that you haven't heard of before, but you may have heard of her. Now, if you haven't heard of her, I'm so glad you've clicked on this episode because I can promise you this, this is a story that is going to totally blow your mind. Yeah. And if you know Amanza, then you'll know that she's been on a very famous television show in the States, which is on Netflix, called Selling Sunset.

6:27I love that show. It's a reality show about selling amazing homes in California, in Los Angeles and it's based around the people in the office that do it. And Amanza's quite a funny character in it because all of them are realtors. What do we call that in England? Estate agents. Estate agents. But they need to have a license in the States to be an estate agent. And Amanza is a character who's known the guys who set up the estate agents. The Oppenheimer group. The Oppenheimer group. She's friends with them and she's not I think she might actually now be a realtor but when the show began she wasn't.

7:01She's an interior designer. She's an interior designer. So she has come in and she, like, lots of the show is about them being competitive trying to sell houses. Whereas Amanda's just kind of there as, like, just a fantastic character. And she has lived, like, an insane life. She's one of the characters in the show where I'm like, I don't really care if she's selling houses or not. Like, I just want to know what's going on. And her life is fascinating. She has nearly died a few times. She had a really traumatic upbringing. Her husband one day just left unannounced. Yeah, and that was in the show.

7:34And I hadn't realised that she still has never heard from him since. Literally one day just left. She's got two kids. She is in her late 40s, about to hit 50. And she looks absolutely... She looks insane. She looks insane. So whatever lotion she is drinking, that is what you want to take. Don't drink lotion. You apply lotion to your skin. Right, got it. Drink a potion. drink a potion smear a lotion smear a lotion remember that if you take anything from that but this episode today is going to be fascinating now if you haven't subscribed to the show I said this last time but if you haven't subscribed to the show I cannot tell you how much that does for us by clicking that button it makes us able to continue the show Jemima also gets paid it also means we can keep the lights on we can keep the lights on and we get amazing new guests so if you really like the show is that the new jeopardy you're adding to it?

8:25yeah if you don't subscribe Jemima won't get paid. Jemima will not get paid. Oh my God. Yeah, that is literally it. We've had a contract change. So please subscribe so Jemima can get paid. And also if you want to get in touch with us and let us know what you think of the show, what new guests you'd like us to get, anything at all, you can send us an email, greatcompany at jampodproductions.co.uk or send us a direct message on Instagram, greatcompanypodcast. And on those messages, we have a, I read all of them and we're really, we really want to do some little extra stuff. Yes. where we start like I love all your messages so and like I'll share them with Jamie and we really love reading them and we don't necessarily like talk about them in the intros but that is something that we'd really like to do so keep sending them in because we are we are planning we are planning to do a little bonus thing at some point so that's going to be very very exciting and you guys will be a big part of that correct and we love the community so thank you and welcome back and please get ready to enjoy this episode because it's going to be a big one enjoy this episode of Great Company with Amanda

9:31with a manza smith or just a manza i've ruined the intro just go without me amanza smith hey everyone i'm amanza and i'm in great company so where are you staying at the moment i don't know anything about where i'm at where i'm going I got into the taxi today and he said, are we going to Maribor? And I was like, I guess so. I could be kidnapped and just like. And end up and not realize. And not have a clue. He'd be like, he'd drop me off in the middle of nowhere. I'd be like, cool.

10:08Okay.

10:12You know, when I do these interviews, right, we do like a lot of research. and we go, your life is so fascinating, like crazy highs, crazy lows. Yeah, lived a colorful life. Yeah, and then meeting you now, especially with someone with your kind of experience, what's happened, you have a really great energy about you. Thank you. You really do. The Adderall. It's the Adderall. I love the dose. No, it's not. I actually have not even taken Adderall in months. But you do, right? And like, I think you sort of personify like a real survivor in every sense of the word, which is kind of amazing. Thank you.

10:53For those people who don't know, where did you grow up? Vincennes, Indiana. What was it like? It's a very small town. It's a farm community. like uh we have a day every year in school called agriculture day where people actually they drove their tractors to school i swear to god they drove their tractors to school they were like carhartt you know like farmer gear and they painted one hand green my hand is my hand is orange i wasn't going to show i put fake tan on last night and i didn't quite wash it so i've my hand's orange but um for agriculture day they would paint one hand green and they would drive their freaking tractors to school so i was the only black kid in my whole community my my biological father's black my mom's white but i was raised by my white stepdad and my white mom white cousins white friends white white white everybody was white and i had like an afro was this little black kid in this very slow farm town.

12:03A lot of racism. Yeah, that's Vincent's, Indiana. It hasn't changed too much, to be honest. I don't go back a lot. But yeah, I grew up in a really small town. I think there was 25 ,000 people. And that included like the junior college where there was like three or 4 ,000 kids. Are you serious? We had a lot of train tracks. and yeehaw. But was it, when you experienced something like racism, right, is it one of those things because, and look, you know, coming from someone who is white and hasn't experienced it, right, so I'm just asking questions here. Is it one of those things where you don't realize it's racism until you get older because you were the only.

12:48Oh, no, I knew it. You knew it straight away. I knew it. The N word was a big, yeah. Yeah, I knew it. So it wasn't just kids having a joke, it was full on Full on, like, I mean in kindergarten Like people, because I looked a lot blacker When I was a kid, I had a full afro And, you know, I stuck out like a sore thumb And so, like on the bus in kindergarten They would make fun of my skin They would make fun of my hair And then, it was such a small school though You know, you get your friend group I was quite popular, because I was really good at gymnastics I got really good at gymnastics And I think that like that was my end.

13:27But in high school, I felt it the most when I was a freshman in high school. I had a boyfriend and, you know, in high school, you just you call. I'm going to age myself. You call in the house phone. We had house phones. Yeah. We used to page. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But and I would call this this boy's house that like that's how that was our relationship, you know. um and then when school started like I would call there all the time and then when school started I was a cheerleader and he played basketball and the very first game his parents I guess came to the game and I called that his house like after that that night when we got home and the dad answered the phone and told me not that he couldn't come to the phone and not to call the house anymore but I didn't know like I still didn't I didn't know what that was the next day at school like his younger brother was in my class he was a couple years older than me and his brother said i'm so sorry he said my dad went to the to the basketball game last night my mom and dad and they saw you and they saw that you were black and they don't want his older brother to date me anymore so there was like that type of racism wow yeah that is really full on yeah how does that it oh my god i was devastated yeah it's a young heartbroken teenager experiencing that yeah so when i had kids i wanted to make sure i mean we're in los angeles but my son was born in laguna beach and there wasn't a lot of black people in laguna beach we were like the token black family when we first moved i was like everybody is so friendly when we like for the first month my husband and I am.

15:11My daughter was already born and I was pregnant. They'd be like, oh, Mr. and Mrs. Brown. I'm like, this place is amazing. Every time we go to eat, they know who we are. Like a month in, I was like, fuck, we're the only ones. So when my son was born, this place is so friendly and it's beautiful. Laguna Beach is the place to be. And then when my son was born, I was at the park one day and my my son was still like in the buggy my daughter i'm pushing her in the swing she wasn't quite too and a lady came up and she was like this to my daughter's hair like did the and i was like we've got to get out of laguna beach because i didn't want my kids to grow up the only ones i didn't want them to be in their class and be the ones with different hair you know be the and now it's laguna beaches i mean this was only 13 almost 14 years ago it's changed a bit there's like more culture but i was like we have to go back to la i can't have my kids be the only ones yeah and it's triggering that is yeah and so we moved back to la and now i mean my kids they don't even it's like they it's not that they don't recognize race because they do they have all different but they have so many different friends like they've experienced so many different holidays that like you know from different cultures and i think it's so beautiful how does that manifest like in terms of like what it does to a young child when you experience something like that what what happens to what does it do to you mentally does it lose your confidence do you can you speak to your friends about it who do you even talk to yeah I talked to my friends about it you know um it was yeah I definitely struggled with self-confidence I was never the pretty girl like in school because I wasn't the type of pretty that people were used to in my hometown.

17:05So I have like the cool, like ugly ducklings, you know, like I was like, I blossomed later. And I think, I don't know. I mean, I would never change anything. I think it's made me who I am. I'm very humble. But it definitely, I struggled with like my hair. I hated my hair. You know, there was just multiple things that made me self-conscious that I wasn't you know super crazy about but grew out of it yeah yeah I know but it's also I the trickiest thing is when we're kids all we just want to do is fit in that's all we're trying to do all the time like whatever that is we just want to fit in all the time and if if people are making you feel that you can't fit in it's like the worst thing that can happen to you because then you just feel alien yeah well luckily I mean that was it that was one experience with the boy but my friend group because my school was so small yeah everybody was friends like you know and like I said I was really good at gymnastics so that that gained me some popularity um but we had a small I mean I graduated with the same like basically the same 72 kids that I went to kindergarten with very wild yeah it was really small and I I was always I think meant for a bigger city I was I mean obviously didn't really fit in not just because I was black but like I just I need needed more action I needed more like hustle bustle like a little more edge um I think when I moved to Los Angeles I felt like okay this is at least a good start to to something why did you decide why did when did you decide to go I think well I had been a cheerleader for the NFL for the Colts the Indianapolis Colts and I got like a taste of like the spotlight and it felt really good and so I liked it I liked entertaining I've always liked to dance, to perform, but that's about as big as you can get in Indianapolis.

19:13So I was like, I just want to move to a bigger city. I literally decided on a Friday, like for sure, I was going to go to LA. And I told my friends, like, if you want to see me come and say bye, because I'm leaving. I think I left, I decided on Friday and I left on Saturday and literally packed everything that I could into a Jeep Wrangler. And we drove across country 36 hours to LA. I'd never been to LA. I didn't know anybody. Yeah. That is wild. With my boyfriend Brad. Are you serious? Yeah. I left, I had a car at the time. I left my car in Brad's cousin's driveway. I just guess I'll stop paying for this.

19:57Just move to LA. Wait, that is wild. So hang on a second. So you and Brad. Brad Harper. Brad Harper. Was Brad Harper hot? At the time I thought he was Okay so you and Brad Harper You're like hey Brad I think we should go to LA No it was like Brad and I were going to break up And I was like I'm going to move to LA And I don't think that long distance is going to work So you can either come with me Or we can break up So Brad decided to move too Wow We lasted like five months I think yeah Brad's a dick really yeah he ended up cheating on me afterwards with like my two best friends yeah Brad Harper what I don't know I heard that he was chubby and doing real estate in Indiana last I heard so I'm sure he's yeah you prick I hope he loves watching Selling Sunset wait hang on how did you I need to go into this so wait how did you find out Brad cheated on you Oh, it's so sad.

21:06We have moved in. Our friends, Paul and Susanna moved from Indiana also. So we, the four of us got an apartment. So when Brad and I broke up, like I couldn't stay because I couldn't afford to pay our half of the rent, you know, it'd be divided by three and I couldn't afford it. So I was like couch surfing to friends that I had met, barely knew anybody. I used to like hook up with the bartender at this restaurant that I was waiting tables at just so I can stay all night sometimes. It's so sad. This is years ago. I'll go do this. Yeah. And then one night he wasn't working and Brad had said, you know, if you ever need to stay here, like I still had a key and I could come.

21:51And so it was like pouring rain. It was like 2.30 in the morning, whatever. I'd gotten off work at my job and I went to the apartment and I like snuck in and I went to the hall closet to get a blanket to sleep on the sofa. And oh, let me give some backstory. My two best girlfriends that had been cheerleaders with me, Sonia and Michelle, they had moved out a few months after me. So they had their own place and they were friends. They all were still friends with Brad. So I sneak in and there's no blankets in the whole closet so I like go to push the bedroom door to like get a blanket out of what was our bedroom and he was in bed with both of my best friends.

22:36Yeah. Oh my god. Jesus. That was a big one. Oh. Does it still hurt? No. It doesn't? It doesn't hurt. I mean, yeah, I'm a survivor. Yeah. I love that they'll probably watch this. Yeah.

23:04There was a moment, you said, when you had your daughter and you went to your parents' house, you went to your stepdad and your mom's house, and your daughter was playing in the other room, and suddenly these memories came back, and you've had a panic attack. Yeah. Can you talk about that? Yeah. So I was actually at my best friend Jamie's house and I had been holding on to something for my entire life, buried it deep down, thought I was okay with it, made myself be okay with it. And that was the fact that I had been sexually molested by my stepdad. So from the time I was three until the time I was 11, and I was molested by either my stepdad or my step grandpa.

23:50And I had my stepdad walked me down the aisle at my wedding. Like I just blocked it, completely blocked it. And they say, I don't know what anybody's beliefs are, but they say, God gives you what you need, not what you want. And when I was pregnant, I wanted to have a little boy because I was like, had this terrible relationship with my mom. And I just thought I just need to have a boy. And when I found out my daughter was a girl, I was like, I was terrified of how this relationship, I mean, I couldn't imagine being like my mom, but it was just this thing in my head. And when she was, I was about six months pregnant with my son.

24:25So my daughter wasn't even two years old yet. And I had gone home. Um, and I was at my best friend, Jamie's house and she has three daughters. And my stepdad was there. He had driven me to my best friend's house. She was going to take me to the airport later that day. and he was playing with her little girls like talking to them just like normally that would have been totally fine in my head because I'd pushed this down for god knows how many you know years and all of a sudden everything that happened to me I just imagined if it happened to my daughter and I had a full-on panic attack it was the first time I'd ever experienced a panic attack I couldn't breathe my heart was racing I just wanted him to stop talking to her kids I wanted it to stop I didn't understand what was going on and went back to LA and went immediately to a therapist it was the first time I'd ever went to a therapist really it was the first time I'd said out loud like some of the things that had happened to me and yeah that's then they encouraged me to you know how to like navigate that relationship ending and I wrote an email and basically just told him everything that had happened with his dad he didn't know and just cut off the relationship and that's been that was well almost 14 years ago because well 14 about 13 years ago what was his response he responded with an email I don't remember exactly what it says nothing would have been good enough but I remember thinking like wow this wasn't even close to like good enough I mean he admitted everything and and talked about you know some of the shame and feelings that he had had since it happened but that was I don't have the emails anymore I deleted them after a certain point I just didn't want that energy even on my computer but um yeah that was uh the first time my daughter definitely was a girl for a reason and she saved me because that was the first that was the you know that got me into therapy and that got me to say out loud what had happened and like actually like deal with it do you think you would have died without your daughter I think I probably, yeah, I think I would have.

26:54I think I probably would have at some point been so strung out on drugs that I probably would have ended up overdosing at a point. There was a time in my 20s that I was very hooked. and I was self-medicating and I thought I was fine you know I didn't understand what self-medicating I mean at the time I didn't even know it was like shortly after I moved to LA I got into cocaine and meth I did a lot of self I mean nobody it was never like to the point nobody knew because I was so good at hiding it. But I think, you know, had I not turned my life around, I would. It wasn't just my daughter. Like I had a good friend who pulled me to the side at one point and was like, what are you doing?

27:46Like you came out here, you're beautiful. You came out here to model, to do all these things. And I see you fucking off like auditions and you're missing jobs and you're not, you're not, you don't have your shit together anymore. and I was like a hypocrite because this person was partying like right alongside with me but that's all it took and I moved out and I like cleaned up my I went to a hotel checked myself into a hotel like a seedy hotel and I dropped to my knees and prayed out loud for like it could have been five minutes it could have been an hour I don't remember I just remember sobbing and falling to my knees and begging God please just help me not go back to what I was doing and like I never went to rehab nothing it just changed and shortly after that like I came clean to all my friends told them like what I'd you know what I'd been doing I had been dating this guy like off and on for like a few years like the whole time basically but he was like traveling a lot and so he's like I always knew there was something with you but I couldn't put my finger on it because I was very good at hiding it.

28:58And that person helped me. He like got me a computer. He helped me get into my own apartment from the computer. I was able to get a job like at a doctor's office. I was like a secretary and I just normalized my life. So I never had to go back. It would have been very easy to go back moving in with the roommates that I had partying all the time, had this person not like stuck by my side and helped me like kind of get on my feet. and then about two years after that life change that's when I met my ex-husband and that's when so I was already you know I was clean and sober and everything before I got into a relationship before I got pregnant with my daughter but she definitely she definitely has changed you know had I never gotten therapy or started therapy for all the things I maybe would still be suppressing it maybe this stepdad would still be in my life maybe i still would be thinking it was a you know it was okay i wanted a dad so bad that i just sort of not sort of completely blocked it and just pretended like it never happened it's easier to do that then yeah than to deal with it deal with it the fact that you managed to get sober by yourself is insanely strong yeah that is insane there was a time I mean right when I had stopped partying I you know I went to the emergency room at one point because I wanted to get information about rehabs but like it's so hard to get into a rehab they were like there was like a month waiting list and I know myself I was like if I've been clean and sober for a month I'm not gonna need it like wow I just knew I'm I'm I knew that I wanted to stop I'd been shamed by my best friend he was like you're a loser and I couldn't believe it I couldn't believe and then a year later he came and he said to me I had to I had to do that I wasn't like I didn't mean it he's like but I had to do I couldn't watch you like throw your life away like that the only reason I I I know I'm you know I'm very close to people who have who've dealt with addiction and things like that and i i like it is it's it's it's it's a disease this totally is and and if you've seen it and been around it and know it is a disease it really gets inside the brain of the individual and it makes them their life decisions and choices completely go off killed and especially if you're trying to cover up because of emotions and things that it's very hard to get out of it without help yeah and i know a couple people who have done it by themselves and they are strong so i already realized you're strong but you are off the chart truly because you need you need to have that brain and that willpower yeah to go this is where i don't want to do that i want to do this yeah especially with all that memory and all the hurt and all the trauma you're dealing with as well because the easiest thing is to go back at that point i hadn't even thought about what i was doing like at that point i still hadn't because the same to pull you out two and two together like oh i'm self-medicating because i'm still because i was still two years away from even admitting that you know i'd had this terrible past in my in my childhood for me it was like i was just i was just having fun and i was shutting off the world but at the time i wasn't thinking i thought i was just having fun but when my friend was like you're a loser i guess i'm stubborn i was like no i'm not No, I'm fucking not.

32:34Watch me. Watch me not yet. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'm not going to be a crackhead anymore. How about that? Show him.

32:46I didn't smoke crack. I don't know why I feel like I... Not that meth is any better. It definitely was not crack. Don't call me a crackhead. Just saying, I did meth, but I didn't do crack. I did not do crack. Well, maybe once, but it wasn't on purpose. I thought it was meth. Seems like a lifetime ago. I can imagine, yeah.

33:14I heard that you were working like three jobs or just working, you were cleaner, you were doing all these different things. And then this opportunity came around to go on this TV show. Selling Sunset. Yeah. So, well, not in that exact total order. but after my divorce yes I had only been a cocktail waitress and a model and I had gone to school for a handful of years for interior design yeah but when I moved to LA there was a few years of my life that I was a little blurry and then I got married and then had kids and then you know I got a divorce so I hadn't had a lot of work experience like other than cocktail waitressing and modeling so I hadn't done anything with my interior design and then my dear friend Jason in Oppenheim had started this brokerage, the Oppenheim Group.

34:04And he, you know, selling Sunset wasn't even on the radar at the time. And so I was, I was walking dogs. I was trying to nanny other people's kids. Nobody would hire me as a nanny. I was like, you can't hire. I was like, maybe I'll find like a cool lesbian couple and they'll hire me or like a cool single dad because like nobody that was married was hiring like the hot nanny. I got it because when I was looking for a nanny, when I was married, I was like, if she doesn't weigh 500 pounds and she's not at least like 50, like it seems so old at the time. 50. Jesus Christ. At the time it seemed like ancient.

34:48Damn. It's actually young. I think it's young. Yeah. Yeah. I hope so. Cause I'm almost 50. But, um, so then, so I got it. But, um, so I was trying to nanny. I was walking dogs. I was working retail. And I was the house cleaner. And I think I made the most money cleaning houses, but it made me feel worse about myself. Why? Because I hadn't cleaned my own house in like eight years. And I was like suddenly scrubbing toilets. And I was like, fuck, this just makes me. My mental health. I was aware that my mental health was the most important. And I was like, I don't care if they're going to pay me$500 today to clean this house.

35:24I would rather be broke today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, Jason, it took a minute before he gave me my first opportunity as a stager. He finally gave me – I started an LLC called Kidterior Design at one point because I thought, well, if I do kid rooms, it'll separate me from, like, all the big interior designers. That's smart. That's not scenario. That's very good. Yeah, because people – like, a lot of people don't like to work with kids, which is freaking bizarre to me. I love kids. So, I would – so, I started doing kid rooms. I did, like, maybe three nurseries. It was like, I charged like$400.

36:02It was costing me more to decorate the house. But I started an LLC and I thought I was a businesswoman. I got business cards made and I spelled everything wrong. And Mary was like, you suck. I had to send them back and get them. She's like, you have to put a comma between the city and the state. I'm like, I'm an artist. It doesn't matter. Hey, whatever. It doesn't matter. Nobody cares. I spelled my address wrong. Um, so I did like three kid rooms and then Jason gave me the opportunity to stage one of his listings at his new brokerage. And it was like a 5 ,000 square foot house. And I think they had like a$10 ,000 budget and I had to stage this whole thing.

36:45So they had some furniture. Um, I went to Ikea and got like a sofa and like these people didn't even know the house sold fully furnished. I used to say, wait, hang on, so it was a 5 ,000 square foot house and they had a 10 ,000 pound budget. Yes. Which is nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And they had little sprinkles of like, they had like some lamps and a couple rugs and like some of the bedrooms had beds. But I mean, I had like, I'd made connections with my friends like at different furniture stores and things like that. Because I just loved to go and like look at furniture and chandeliers and like lighting and rugs all the time.

37:20When I was supposed to be doing other things, that's what I would want to do. So long story long, Jason gave me the opportunity to stage this house and it sold fully furnished. So then he brought me on to the Oppenheim Group as the interior design specialist. So I started staging a lot of their listings. And then fast forward, I mean, there was a few years, many years went by before selling Sunset. So it wasn't exactly like that. But I had just gone through a breakup. I was with somebody for five years and I had broken up. We had broken up. and so I kind of felt like I was starting over you know and I did deal or no deal I know you guys have it here it's a little bit different than it was in the states because you you would just open you just open up the box Amanda open your case yeah it was like this go on and I don't know why but if you watch if there was a montage every time I open my case my mouth opened with it It's so ridiculous I can announce it So Amanda Open your case

38:25It's so fucking cheesy It's just like Because you can't talk if you don't have a microphone And you don't always get mic'd Like you're lucky if you get mic'd If you're mic'd You better be ready too because you gotta pay attention And like This guy's the You're the contestant and you're saving up all your money for a sweet factory because you want to start vegan kitten snacks. Yeah, there you go. And I'm like, well, it's your lucky day, and I hope that you get to start your vegan. Let's see if you can start your vegan kitten snack company.

39:09Why are you? Because you got to peak. Why are you? You got to peak.

39:17You peek. Why did you peek? Because you need to know what reaction to make. But my reaction was the same no matter what.

39:28Terrible. Now somebody's going to make a montage and it's just going to be like, ah, ah, ah. You got to peek. So you know the reaction.

39:41No matter what. The million, five hundred thousand, seventy five dollars, a dollar. My mouth is open.

39:51Awful. Can you just change your reaction? I don't know. It's just so automatic. I can't change it now. It's almost like. It's like you'll stop. Anytime I open anything, my mouth just opens. Even lettuce. Yeah. I'm opening green beans. I did.

40:16So it came around twice. I did deal or no deal the first time. I couldn't believe your luck when it came around. I had Botox the second time. I was like, oh. This is harder, my facial expressions. There was no expression. Ten years later, I'm like, oh.

40:37So the girls and Jason and Brett, they had started this brokerage, and they everybody was i was there all the time because i would just go like i was staging houses didn't have a real estate license i would just go like plop down on the couch around lunchtime when jason was taking everybody to lunch and i would go hang out and then they they said that they were you know going to do this reality show and i was like i'm gonna let you guys test that out no right well i didn't have a real i wasn't a real estate agent yet and i was doing deal or no deal like at the same time so i kind of like i would have probably done it why were you nervous about it because it was a reality show you never know like how it's gonna go you know it was their first season but i was filming so i came back and um their season aired and it did really well and they got picked up for another season and so jason's like you need to get your real estate license so that you can well first he was like you need to get your real estate license so you can just start making more money.

41:37So you don't have to borrow money from me all the time, basically. So I did. And then they put me on the second season because they got picked up for the second season. And now we've just finished season nine. It's crazy. We just finished filming season nine. Yeah. If anyone, I mean, if you haven't heard of it or seen it, it's crazy. But it's like this, it's a global success. People are obsessed with you guys. Like, you know, everyone in the office was like, couldn't be more excited that you were like arriving people like waiting outside the window for you to arrive it's crazy and but you're right it's one of those things with reality tv where it's it's it's daunting to do but then you kind of have to give over quite a lot to it and yeah and it becomes competitive yeah I guess I mean within the show yeah within the show does that happen like that or no I'm not I feel like I'm a little bit different I mean I'm definitely not like knocking down any of the other girls to sell most houses I think you've seen me sell two houses killing it I've definitely been about the aesthetic I enjoyed the fact that I was able to be the stager and the interior decorator and now the artist so this season it'll be interesting

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45:08In this conversation, right, like you can ask me anything. And like I was around, if I step over the mark, you can just tell me to fuck off. Yeah, there's no mark. Okay, fine. There's no mark. I'm an open book. I'm an open book as well. Like totally open. Why did you stop talking to your mom? it just was it never ended well it's like I never got maybe what I was looking for I was just always a negative experience really um and it's been that way like we've never had a great relationship my you know from my childhood like she was very and she's still alive I don't know that she'll watch this, but she's a very like, and only to me, she's like miserably angry.

45:54It's like she was very hostile. She was very physically and emotionally abusive. Like growing up, she's just mean. Like she was just mean to me. And so it just never changed. Like it never changed when I got older, every experience on the telephone, even living in Los Angeles, it just would always be devastating and so a friend of mine a really close friend of mine pointed out a few years ago she's like you know I'm in my 40s and she's like you every time you speak to your mom it like guts you like it literally just would like put me in this mood no matter what it's like we never had a positive experience like she's just bitter and so I just decided at one point after like a really negative phone call like interaction I was like I'm just not gonna talk to her anymore like I'm a mom I'm a she's a mom I feel like we're like equal at this point I never felt like really her daughter and I know you know I'm doing a really good job raising my kids and I want to be positive and this is never a positive experience I just decided to cut her off and it was she was not like she was pinging my phone and trying to you know ringing my phone I was having to ignore it I just didn't speak to her for it was like yeah a couple of years wow then just days goes into weeks and then weeks into months and yeah it was like right before a friend's actually Heather when she used to be on our show was right before her and Tariq's um wedding and this was it was so I was having some like emotional like anxiety some depression problems at the time anyway and I don't remember the exact conversation kind of remember the exact conversation but it floored me.

47:41Like I literally fell to the floor sobbing when I got off the phone with her and I didn't go to their wedding. Like I was really in a dark place for like a couple of days. And so I remembered when it was their year anniversary, like they were posting about it. And I was like, damn, it's been a year since I talked to my mom. And then it was two years, like the year after they got married was then another, um, anniversary that they had like posted about i was like so that's how i like could gauge because it was right before their wedding how long it had been and it had been a couple years god that this is tough it doesn't whatever i think whatever um relationship good bad ugly whatever is you have with your parents they sort of still remain like they still remain like a mom or a dad or something and so it's kind of hard to get past that sometimes isn't it that's a tough one it's a tough one yeah you know my kids now don't have their dad and so and i was talking to my son recently about you know growing up he's a he's about to be 14 so raising a teenage boy or trying to raise a teenage boy as a single mom yeah with a dad that just left like out of the blue it's been crazy pretty shitty you know and And so one of the things that we, my son and I kind of, and I don't know what took me so long to kind of put this into perspective, but I was like, wait, I don't have a mom.

49:11Like, I know what that feels like to want to have a parent who you know is alive and you know is somewhere and you don't, and I was like, it doesn't really get easier. And I, so I kind of have that, not that it's the greatest thing to relate to with my son, But I was like, I, you know, at 48 years old, know what it feels like to not have a parent. Like, I want a mommy. You want a daddy. Like, we had this over the summer, like, a lot of conversations. And I often have to remind him that, you know, he's not alone in, like, the way he feels. Like, I understand it. Man, you're like a superhero. You are because it's like so much to go through and then also be a single parent.

49:58How do you process emotions? Do you, in terms of like, do you hold on to, do you never forget? Or do you forget? Can you forgive? Do you not forgive? How do you work it? I forget everything. Do you? Yeah. I mean, I remember, obviously, I'm able to tell the story. But I think deep down it's there. But I can't, like, ponder. there's been so many crazy things that have happened to me i would be a miserable stump if i sat and just like remembered everything um i let go i do forgive that took me a long time it took me a long time to understand what forgiveness yeah meant like how i would always hear you know forgiveness is for you it's not for them and i did not understand that for the longest time i actually went to trauma camp like it's probably been like eight years ago wow it's not called trauma camp but that's what i've coined it it's kind of like rehab for people with trauma yeah and it was this week-long experience in nashville tennessee yeah where you like surrender your ipad your phones like there's no communication to the outside world and they put you in these groups and you have intense trauma therapy every day to the point that like two days before they release you back into the world they sort of like help you understand what it's going to be like now that you're so open wow it was beautiful it was called on site i would go again i mean they have many different programs and it was so i call it trauma camp but at trauma camp is when i really finally understood forgiveness it's confusing yeah to be like oh because it feels like oh if I forgive then that means it was okay but that that's not it and once I learned what that meant I really understood it it's so freeing I've forgiven pretty much everybody at this point I think there's maybe one thing that I might still kind of be hanging on to but it's we're almost there if someone's listening now and you know they're going through stuff or have been through stuff right because there's always that there's amazing saying which it was saying which is from Nelson Mandela which he said um um seeking revenge is like drinking poison and wanting the other person to die oh yeah yeah I've heard that I didn't know who said it yeah only hurts yourself and that's why you need to try and learn to forgive otherwise it just eats you up the whole time so for someone listening what would you say to someone who is finding it hard to forgive I mean, look, it's really hard to understand.

52:36I don't even really know how to explain it. But once you can get it, it literally is like a weight. Like the people that I've forgiven, I recently forgave. I mean, this is like a kind of a new thing. Like within the past two years, like I forgave my mom. We don't have a relationship, but we had a very tumultuous relationship. And still to this day, if I tried, it just would always end up in heartbreak. And so forgiving her, and it was as simple as literally sending her a message out of the blue after not speaking for a couple of years and just saying, I don't need to have a conversation about this, but I forgive you and I love you.

53:23And it was like one simple text and it felt like my world opened up. Like literally good things started happening almost immediately. Wow. It just feels, and I mean it, like you have to mean it. You know, I've said it, I've tried it before, like, oh, I forgive. And it wasn't quite like in there, but like I really, really truly mean it. I just forgive. And I don't, like I said, I don't know how to explain it. But if somebody can really like maybe look into it, read about it and try to understand what it means to forgive for yourself, not for the other person, it is life changing.

54:08There is, I mean, you've had some really big moments with like filming, right? Like there's so many big things. And I suppose like the biggest one that I sort of thought was wild was your illness that you had. What happened? It was something in your spine, right? Yeah. So the craziest thing, it was like, I was at Mary's house one night, completely fine. Totally fine? Totally fine. Jesus. They had just moved into their new house, actually, she and Romaine. And we were like, I was walking around. I was like showing her how I would decorate. I was giving her like tips. Walking around, completely fine, totally mobile.

54:42I wake up the next day and I go to step out of bed and I can't hardly, I can't step. Like my back is in so much pain I can't move. And so I get back into the bed. I called off work. Like, we were still filming. And so we were, there was, like, some interviews that I had missed. I had to get a doctor to come over to the house to, like, because it was, we were wrapping up the season. And they were like, we have to get you in to film. And I was like, you don't understand. Like, I literally can't sit up. And it was weird. This went on for, like, a few weeks. What? It was like, I would be, I kind of could tiptoe to the bathroom.

55:18It was painful. So painful. It was really, really painful. and it would kind of come and not go but it would it would ease up and it would get worse for a few weeks until finally I went to the emergency room like a month now so I go to the emergency room the first time and they did an MRI I was there 12 hours like they couldn't even hardly get me to lay on the MRI machine because it was so painful but after finally 12 hours and they did an MRI they told me I was having a back spasm so they showed me the MRI they said you're having a back spasm it looks like you have some lower back arthritis they sent me home with muscle relaxers steroids and uh like very strong ibuprofen a month later it had gotten so increasingly worse i couldn't like i literally was screaming in pain like biting the pillow on the sofa crying in pain Like my kids would go to bed.

56:16I would hold it like all day because I didn't I didn't want them to see how much pain I was in because it was terrifying. And one of my best friends, her name is Diane. She came over one day and she was like, I don't like this isn't right. Like you she's the one that took me to the emergency room. But she was like, this isn't right. Like this is I've never seen somebody in so much pain. If you're not ready to go by 930 tomorrow morning, I'm calling the ambulance like you've got to go to the hospital. So she took me to the hospital the next day. And thank God, because they told me 24 to 48 more hours at home and I would have been dead.

56:51I had a blood infection that was going all through my body. It was very close to my heart. It was, it had turned into what's called osteomyelitis. And it was, that's when it attacks bone and it was sitting on my vertebrae and in my hip joint and it was deteriorating my vertebrae. So that was the pain. My bones was just being deteriorated like a penny in acid. And so they admitted me immediately. I was in the hospital for 31 days. Get out of here. I had two major spine surgeries. I had blood transfusions. I had like a severe allergic reaction to one of the medications at one point. My fever went to 105.

57:32My blood pressure dropped. My heart skyrocketed. Like I almost didn't make it. And I just thought I was having a back spasm. So now I have, now I am a superhero. I literally have a titanium vertebrae and I have two rods and like seven or eight screws in my back. Where does it come from this? No clue. They said a lot of times it's from people like older, you're older, people that have dialysis, like deep, deep intravenous like medication. And no, I'm not a drug user. like yeah because there's reddit like reports like oh she was just doing like intravenous drugs no um it's like something usually deep like needles like you can get it's not like you you know drink bad water in another country or you step on because i was like i've gotten tattoos could it be that i've had like um iv drips yeah yeah yeah vitamin drips yeah be that no no no Like they honestly, I was like one of two patients that were as young as me at Cedars-Sinai Hospital that had had anything close to this, like on the spine, that severe.

58:45So. That is wild. It's just a mystery. To me, it was like, sounds really fucked up, but it was like, I came out of that hospital and I was with a new view on life. Like what? Give it to me. just like whatever it is that I want to do I'm going to try because I'm supposed to be here I didn't fucking die and I've got shit to do and I came out and I I when I came out of the hospital 31 days I still had a pick line in my arm of IV drugs that went it went through like a main vein and then it dropped right into my heart an IV bag that they came and they changed every 24 hours for three weeks and then I was on in uh oral antibiotics for six months still after that so my body was like shot I mean I had so much medicine at you know one point going through me but um I started painting yeah again because that was like something that I could do with my right hand as I was healing at home and that's when yeah all the art stuff started Do you think there's a weird way that life works where everything kind of happens for a reason?

59:59Yes. You do? So much so that I feel like, this is going to sound really fucked up too, but I feel like my kid's father had to disappear for me to realize my full potential and to really go for it and try my best at everything that I do. because I feel like if he had stayed or if he were still here every other week, I had a break. And I wasn't, like, going and pounding the pavement and, like, doing the most on the week that he had the kids. I was, like, relaxing. I would go out with my friends. I took that as, like, my break, as, like, I deserved this, like, week-long break. And when he disappeared, I don't have a choice.

1:00:43Like, I can't fail. I'm all they have. Like, I have to succeed. because I'm it. Like we don't have family. I don't, you know, I've spoken about my mom. I don't have like a close relationship with, I have sisters, but you know, even them I met later in life. Like I don't have, there's no legacy around me. It's me. It's you. And so I feel like, like that was one thing. And then I almost died in the hospital and I didn't. And I think that it's just, talk about stubborn. like that's what has to happen for me to but um yeah I just feel like yeah I think that everything happens for a reason and do you know why your partner just left I don't we were divorced since the kids were one and two but for seven years we did co-parenting perfectly I mean he was a great dad he went to all of their sporting events he was great with their academics they were always on time something that I'm not so great at you know he kept them well fed well dressed like he was a very hands-on really good dad I have no idea I mean he filed a paper to the courts explaining that he had some mental health issues from football like concussions and stuff but it wasn't that bad so I don't know I really don't know but it's been five years August 26 2019 was a Monday he dropped him off at school and we haven't seen him since I'm so sorry man like I'm sorry that you like it like um that's really hard because also how do you communicate that to the kids you know the only thing that I could think to do was to tell them that sometimes your brain gets sick.

1:02:35It's like your body gets sick. Sometimes your brain gets sick. I mean, they were nine and seven at the time. That's a great way to do it. And so I bought a book called When the Brain Breaks and explained to them that I think daddy's brain is sick and maybe he's taking time to heal his brain so that he can come back and be the daddy that we've always known and loved. That was the hope at first, but then months turned into years and then you know the next thing you know it's been five years so those questions stopped like they they're smart and then they're very resilient to be honest with you I think that sometimes it affects me more than them sure because as a parent you take on like I they must be feeling this they must be feeling especially when you feel everything right which you do yeah you feel it like so much you feel everything yeah I've said it to a lot of people and your life is unique and kind of an amazing way yeah thank you it does sound like a lot one you know I don't often talk about it all together but yeah it's I'll write a book one day maybe there'll be a movie you need to do that I'm not even kidding you need to do that and if someone's listening now and they're thinking they adore you and they how can people how can people buy your art or be a part of that journey yeah so right now I have an entire collection at Grove Gallery in Pizarrovia and then um in Los Angeles at MASH Gallery in West Hollywood I think there's still a couple pieces and I'll still be I'll be funneling pieces through um both of those galleries well hopefully the one here more yeah um this was my first exhibit here and then I'm also going to spain i leave for spain tomorrow i'm going to mallorca and in parma there's an opening of grove gallery there wow and so there's um i don't know how many pieces they have there but there's we're doing an exhibit with two other artists that are represented by grove gallery on the 30th it's amazing because i know people listening to this they're going to hear your story and want to even connect even more and then when you and with artists as well when you can connect with that even more you you you don't just buy the the art you buy everything the journey the history the story you buy everything behind it that's what's so beautiful about it it's really cool this art thing is like so cool and it feels like the dream that i never knew that i had and now i can't now i just want to keep like going and see like where it takes me i'm an artist i'm an artist i'm an artist it's gonna float around let it take me wherever I've enjoyed literally every single bit about it This has been amazing Thank you You're a complete rock star Honestly in every way We have a quick fire question How would you like to end the interview?

1:05:20Are you ready for this? Okay Okay here we go What's a saying or phrase that makes you smile or cheers you up? Wait see Okay I'm a little bit like slow Sorry about that What's a saying or phrase that makes me smile? That makes you smile or cheers you up It can be anything Fuck off to the top of fuck off mountain. I love it. Fuck right off. Best compliment anyone's ever given you? That I'm a good mother. What scares you most about yourself? Well, I don't want to say it out loud but you asked me so I have to. You don't have to. No. My extreme ability to self-sabotage. When was the last time you cried?

1:06:06Two days ago. What was it about? But it was happy. That's a good one. Oh. And then there was a sad. I cried because my son and I had like a negative interaction and I'm so far away. What's something you can't let go of?

1:06:22Or maybe you can let go of everything. I don't. So far. Nothing really. I don't think. That's a good answer. Hold on. The fact that my kid's dad bounced. I haven't let go of that yet. I just kind of like shoved it over there for a second. but it's still there. Yeah.

1:06:43What's your guilty pleasure? Their sweets. Not vegan cat treats. You're going to like those, trust me. But Oreo cookies. Oh, yeah, they're good. I'll eat the whole bag. What turns you off? Bad fashion. What turns you on? Good fashion.

1:07:03Like, you could be ugly as a toe, but if you dress right... okay what do you like most about yourself my sense of humor yeah it's great and the final one your favorite swear word fuck there we go and so you have been this has been a joy your energy is amazing you're a complete rock star this has been great thank you so much for coming you're insane honestly now you were the greatest

1:07:31Wow, what a story. Woo! Yeah, that's amazing. But what a hoot. What a hoot to the owls. That was amazing. That was, yeah, very good. I mean, her story is insane, Jemima. But her energy is impeccable. She's so, like, warm, fun. She's so funny. She's hilarious. Jamie... I was dying with that. That, that, that... Deal or no deal. Also if you Again if you If you're listening Well if you're listening to this You're listening to the show But go and look On YouTube At that section of the show Because Jamie's face Goes the same colour As the wall behind It's a real sight to see But so funny So funny Amanse if you're listening You're an absolute superstar That was really incredible What a story Of resilience What a story Of heartbreak And trauma But also You can really achieve Amazing things If you put your mind to it Yeah It was really incredible Guys I said it before But if you haven't subscribed To the show please do that would really help us and also please get in touch we want to hear from you what guests you want us to get maybe what you like or don't like about the episode send us a message at greatcompanypodcast on Instagram or you can send us an email greatcompany at jumperproductions.co.uk everything is in the show description it is indeed and listen we're going to see you next Wednesday for another episode of Great Company

1:08:55Do da da, do da da, do da da, do da da, do da da, do da da, do da da, do da, do da, do da da, do da, do da, do da da, do da, do da, do da, do da, do da.

1:09:13If you're a smoker or baker ready to make a change, you really only need one good reason. But with Zin Nicotine Pouches, you'll discover many good reasons. Zinn is America's number one nicotine pouch brand. Plus, Zinn offers a robust rewards program. There are lots of options when it comes to nicotine satisfaction, but there's only one Zinn. Check out Zinn.com slash find to find Zinn at a store near you. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Wix. It's where website creation meets AI and where your boldest ideas become real. It just takes one platform to build a site that looks great and does everything you need it to.

1:09:54And it just takes one person, you, to start taking care of business like a 10-person team. With AI tools for creating an entire website from scratch or testing new ways to make money, Wix is there with you from day one. Try it out now at Wix.com. Shameless is the pop cult podcast for smart people who love dumb stuff. I'm Mish and every Monday and Thursday I'm joined by my co-host Sarah. Hello, I am Sarah. Every Monday we go deep on a big culture story like why you love the summer I turned pretty so much or why you keep seeing so many celebrities announcing they have Lyme disease. On Thursdays, we welcome you to the Quick and Dirty, also known as the biggest sugary headlines of the week.

1:10:33Our episodes have been listened to over 100 million times. Search for Shameless in your favourite podcast platform to see why.