TRISHA PAYTAS: ‘Ethan Klein Told So Many Lies About Me’

0:00Hi, this is Elise Hu from TED Talks Daily brought to you by Okta. As organizations rush to deploy AI, agents operating in the dark create massive security blind spots. To bring them out of the shadows, Okta answers four critical questions. Where are my agents? What can they do? What are they doing? And how do I respond if they go rogue? Okta secures AI. Learn more at Okta.com. You know you don't have to wait to shop Black Friday at Lowe's, right? Save up to$150 now and select power tools, equipment, and accessories. Got gifts to get? We've got plenty under$50. Plus, my Lowe's rewards members get same-day delivery for free.

0:42Shop Black Friday deals before the rush at Lowe's. Valid through 1118,$25 minimum, and loyalty membership acquired. Order eligible items by 2 p.m. Subject to weight and size restrictions and availability. Terms at lowes.com slash shipping terms. Still waiting in line? Again? That's time you will never get back. Save time and money with Stamps.com. Over 4 million businesses have skipped the line with Stamps.com. Join them to save up to 90 % off carrier rates from your computer or phone right now. Print postage for certified mail, registered mail, and packages in seconds. Get$20 in free postage when you sign up for the pro plan at stamps.com slash Black Friday 2026.

1:24Terms and conditions apply. Cash Now More Later from Opendoor gives you cash up front for your home, plus all the profit later. That's no chaos now, no cash left behind later. Skip the showings now, pocket extra profit later. This is so simple now, this is so awesome later. Or sell fast now and pop the champagne later. Cash now, more later. Now available nationwide. Start your offer at opendoor.com slash ACAST. Profits calculated after fees and costs, eligibility and offer price may vary. Have you spoken to Ethan since? I haven't talked about him in five years. It's been relentless on his end.

2:03If Ethan reached out, right, and he said, look, truths, do you think you guys could move forward? I would love for it to stop. There were just like voices that were just telling me like, hey, there's the window. And the only reason I'm even talking about it now is because like it was really hard for me and I just want to set the record straight. Guys, welcome back to Great Company Los Angeles. Still here recording with some incredible guests and today's guest is Trisha Paytas. Now Trisha Paytas is like the queen of the internet. She was like the queen of YouTube when it first started. And today's episode we chat about her entire life and career and wow, it is wild.

2:36This episode is a roller coaster for so many different reasons, but I'm not going to tell you too much. Okay, get ready for it. now before we start if you're new to the show and you haven't clicked subscribe already please click that subscribe button it means you can join our incredible community it allows us keep making the show better for you guys each week and that favor that you do for us will thank you forever okay here you go strap in all right because this is a wild episode of great company with trisha peters this episode contains discussions of sexual abuse and suicide please take care while listening support is available in the show notes we're going to talk about this we're doing a podcast with your partner i know i never wanted to but my my husband does the lighting and sound of ours so he just started chiming in and i was like but it's fun now but it's always like it's always a little weird it's always a little weird because you're like am i gonna bring this home with me.

3:31Okay, I guess. And then when you have a fight, you're like, we have to still do it. He brought it up today. He was like bringing up something. He's like, oh, speaking of addiction, he's like, someone's addicted. I love to make music videos and I'm making one this week. He's like, someone's addicted to making music videos. I'm like, that sounds like you wanted to bring this up, but we're too scared to, so you're bringing it up on the podcast, which was fine, but. Isn't that okay? By the way, I start, we just go ahead with it. I give you an intro at the end. Yeah, let's do it. I find that, okay, for some reason when you record a podcast you're recording like content whatever it is it's like an excuse to talk about what you actually want to talk about yes why does that happen?

4:01because I think you also have to be on your best behavior so he brought that up and it was very minor and then I I also apologized on our podcast today because he was right about something like he cooks he cooks all the meals in our house but I was like working last week so I was coming home late and then he's like oh you should have just told me you wanted a meal and I was like well when do I never want a meal but he was right he did ask me if I wanted a meal and I did say no but he brought it up later and I was like well I always want a meal but I did actually say that I did not want a meal so then I apologized to him because I felt bad all weekend but I was like I'll tell you now so yeah so this is Moses your husband Moses my husband oh man Moses what a cool name cool name right yeah that's the first time I heard his name I remember it was on a podcast and someone said their brother's name was Moses and I'm like Moses I didn't know people were named Moses obviously it's a very common name in the Jewish culture but I thought it was a joke I thought it was like Jesus or something you know I was like what it's very biblical it's very that's what I said It's very biblical.

4:52Yeah, he gives biblical vibes too. He's very biblical. So how long have you guys been married for? Five years in December. How about you and your wife? We've been married four years. Oh, wow. Yeah. Do you love it? I hate it. No, I love... I love being married and so many people are like against marriage and nothing changes. I'm like, I don't know. I just feel like it's so cool to be married. Okay, but why do you love being married? And then I'll tell you why I love it. I love being married. Well, I'll be for real. I always wanted to be married just to say I was married, right? It sounds like someone committed to me.

5:20I love it. But I love being married. Maybe I still love it for that reason. It just feels so complete and like not easy to get out of. Do you know what I mean? Like we're having a fight or something like that. And we never ever say like, okay, I guess like my toxic days back in the day, I'd be like, I want a divorce. But we don't say that anymore. But it's very, it's not that easy either. Cause I started thinking about it like logically, right? You start to have a fight and you're like, um, okay, if we had to, but I'm like, oh, we couldn't afford, we both live in that house and all our money went to that.

5:46We also do have a podcast together. So if we have a fight, we got to get it together by Monday because I'm like, well, you're running the lights and the sound and I don't want to come across as a bitch so we got to get it together so it's just so much more complicated buddy I'm the same as you yeah like it feels complete there are times but there are times I don't know if you had this as well when I like I have a I'll be honest I had an argument my wife last night yeah and in my in my head I'm like I'm gonna freaking divorce you yeah yeah my head and I am like convinced we're the same person I'm like and then in my head I'm like working all right right okay so we got a we got a baby 10 month old and I'm like okay we saw split times it'll be hard for him but we'll make it work no honestly I'm the opposite of that I am very much like okay I go through the divorce steps and I'm just like I'll have to hire 12 people to do the job Moses does because he is like well he's like primary parent he's always like doing everything cooking fixing the house doing the audio and visuals of our like I was just like oh I actually like could not replace him anyways I mean obviously I love my husband so much that that goes without saying because I like love so easily But all that, too, it's like, well, the complications of it all.

6:47Are you, is something wrong with you? I mean, not wrong with you, but like, do you have like a mental illness? I have mental illness. So just so why asking? I'm borderline. Are you as well? So I don't want to mean like what's wrong with you. No, I have anxiety. Okay. Yeah, I have a couple mental illnesses. And so that's why that plays into like divorce after one fight. I'm like, oh, my God, divorce. So then I was thinking, is that with you? Because my husband never thinks about it. But that's abandonment. Okay. So maybe that's what you have. I used to go to therapy every week. Same. And then I stopped.

7:17Don't you feel like you kind of like lose it a little bit when you stop going? I know I miss it. Yeah, that's why you thought about divorce last night after one fight. Because those little freaking demons. Yeah. They're coming back in. Oh, you have the demons. Okay. There's a lot then. There's a lot. But tell me. But wait. So what? Anxiety? Um, I don't. Maybe once I had kids, I started getting anxiety. I don't suffer. That's not my. That's not my worst thing about me. I have borderline personality disorder. I guess anxiety a little more now but same thing as you very avoid like yeah very much like abandonment issues I interviewed someone called Alan DeBotton he's an amazing guy and he said I asked him how you make relationships work right I said how do you make a relationship because 50 % or just over is like ends in divorce how do you make it work he said if you go into a relationship knowing that you're two broken souls just trying to figure out life you probably have the best chance oh I love that all of us are broken souls some maybe more broken than others but we're all kind of broken none of us are perfect and then when I had a kid it made me feel that towards my parents as well it's like oh my god they did this for the first time yeah you have a lot more empathy for your parents but you also find sometimes with my kids I'm like wait but this is you know they'd be like wait till you have a kid like you and then I'm like I do have a kid just like me and I'm like but it's actually like really easy to like forgive and not yell and like be patient actually because they're just little beings because like I had a father that like yelled a lot like screamed a lot at me and like I and I was young I was like four like I kicked an ant trap out right like he'd like scream at me obviously my dad and I are close now and he's not like that but I could never my kids are like I'm the opposite where like they could like literally do something like knock this cup of water over I'm like it's okay sweetie you're perfect you know what I mean it's like the opposite so it's like I have empathy for my parents but at the same time I'm kind of like it's a little easier than you guys made it out to be you don't have to like scream at me for everything do you think do you think that maybe our anxieties is stemmed from childhood yeah I think it's I know mine personally is a trauma-based like I mean there are people definitely born like mentally unwell and chemical imbalances and all that stuff like that mine I do believe came from just trauma like childhood trauma but then you know it gets worse because it was I was untreated I don't know what age are you millennial I'm the same age as you 88 okay wow we are just so similar here did you like that I knew that off the cuff as well that you were 88 no no that was crazy yeah we wrote that away what is your background like how did you get this were you like an influencer on a reality show or something I did a reality show called made in Chelsea don't know if you've heard of it or seen it or know about it it was a show it was like a it's a show about being posh in the uk right terrible idea anyway i did it for a while came off that and realized that when you take a shortcut into something it's a long road around so then it took me like a lot of years to do different things yeah so in the uk or here in the uk and then now i'm coming to the u.s because i just find the you find so speaking to people like you for me so interesting because i find the u.s over here, just a fascinating place.

10:06So that's my... Interesting. Well, it is... Compared to London, can I say that? Like, London is a little slow-paced. I mean, no, I loved it. I just did a show at the Royal Bar. I love them. It was my biggest show ever. I love UK people. But in general, it's a slow-paced... It's a different pace for sure. Yeah. It's like, there's a different energy here. LA is basically... American in general is about there's a pace towards success. That's what it is. It's like, everything is like commercial. Every person you meet, it's like, I love this person. And how can they help me get to my next step? In a way.

10:35Yeah, yeah. A little fake. A little opportunist. Totally. Which weirdly I don't mind in some ways. London is fast paced. But the energy is different. It's not just about. It's not about success there. Everyone's on a rat race going as fast as they can. But sometimes I think we don't really know why we're on that rat race. Because we don't like talking about money. We don't like talking about success. And if we do, we don't like it when people do that. When America, we champion all of that. Which is funny because if you were on a show about being posh, were you guys not talking about money and like cars and flexing?

11:07Hence why people really didn't like it. But then some people really did love it. Who's the, is there a breakout star from, is like Gemma Collins, was she on that show? She was on The Only Ways Essex, which was our rival show. I did Celebrity Big Brother and I remember, I think it was Sam who was on Only Ways Essex. So Sam Thompson, no, he was on my show with me. So Sam Thompson. Oh my God. You gave me that energy and I was like, oh no. But then we had connected and I was like, okay, we, yeah, we hated each other on the show. He was awful. His little, hey prick, is that what you guys say in the UK?

11:32He has a little prick. I had to apologize to him on Big Brother because I did. He's probably fine. He's probably grown. I don't know. I don't want to say about him. But you give same vibes. Oh, see, we're on the same show together. Why do I give the same vibes? Just, you know. Just very, but now I can handle it. I think back then when I was on the show in 2017, I was just like so mentally unwell. I just hated guys like that, which is just like. But guys like what? Tell me. We can be so honest with each other. So I love it. Can I tell you, I was the mess on that show. So I, like, I apologize to him on the show, too.

12:04It's, like, it's more, I think I've been intimidated. I've always said this, even about my own son. I'm intimidated by guys in general, especially, like, young. Like, teenage boys scare the shit out of me. But then you get, like, a little bit cocky, like, posh boys, as you would say, right? The ones that, like, I don't know if you come for money, but he gave me that vibe. And so it's just, like, ugh, it's just, like, that arrogance. And I was just, like, annoyed with it because I was so, I just always had, like, a hatred of men early on in the show. Also, I was mentally unwell. I never did therapy before the show.

12:29I was very, very unwell. So I think all of that kind of triggered high school in me. So like the boys, the like cute boys in high school, they were awful to me. So whenever I see, even teenage boys now. I appreciate your honesty and I understand it massively because I saw something the other day by Gabor Mate who said when people are triggered, they go back to the age the trauma happened. So it does, so you act the age what happens. So someone, if you were triggered because you have young kids because it's a trauma that you were experiencing when you were a younger child, you're going to go back to that age.

12:58so you react in a certain way so I totally 100 % if guys were mean to you and they treated you badly then of course that's going to happen and I'm going to be honest posh boys are bricks so you would know so I think that is it I never heard of that or thought of that but it makes actually perfect sense if you were going to say something to Sam Thompson now what would you say to him? hope you're doing better than you were on the show because he was a little he was being a little pricked to me but you know what no hard feelings love you hope you're doing well is he successful he probably has a podcast too he's probably doing great hope you're well you did say you left off for 11 days yes it's a lot though did you ever do it you're probably too oh no we're the same age we're the same age I got asked it I've never done it I get that I think celebrity baby brother was such a big thing for me because I'm an internet person I wasn't on reality TV so I was like wow this is like a big deal that they're asking me to be on here I wasn't too familiar with the UK one I knew like Jenna Jameson and Pamela Anderson did they pay you?

14:02that was kind of my whole like viral moment there was I was just like do I get paid a little money? like if I leave early like can I get a little bit or all of it? and they I can confirm they paid me just a little bit of it but it was a good paycheck it was good back then can I ask what was the pay back then? can I say I guess I can say it doesn't matter it's not even on anymore right they can't see me it was 80 ,000 US dollars I don't know what that is in pounds that was your full pay or is that what they paid you? that was going to be my full pay And at the time, it was a big deal. I mean, it's still a big deal.

14:28It's still a big deal. It was like a month. I think that was a pretty good thing for a month. I think that's a great deal. I was really excited. Talk to me about like growing up. You grew up in California. Mm-hmm. School was tough. Yeah, so that's also confusing. So I was born in California. My dad stayed in California. My parents divorced when I was four, and I went back to Illinois. So I like went to most of my school in Illinois. My dad always just stayed in California. So that's, I think, where the abandonment comes from, right? is like, why is my dad in California and we're in Illinois? And everyone else had dads.

14:59And we'd come see him in summer and Christmases. And so, yeah. And then I went to school in Illinois. And your mom was there, though? Yeah, she's from Illinois. And Illinois is like very, I don't know if you know, it's very like country. It's like a country. It's like farm town area. So it was very country. And that was just like not my vibe. But I blacked out, like not blacked out, but like disassociated a lot of my childhood, I think. Because like even writing the book, I was like, God, I kind of don't talk about childhood. You know what I mean? Because I can even tell right now, when you're talking about it, you almost like, you close a little bit.

15:29Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, oh, my gosh. Because it's like, it's just something I never talk about or think. It actually feels like I didn't have a childhood in that sense. Are you serious? Yeah. Because I don't have any good memories of childhood. But then the bad memories, I kind of like blocked out, I think. So when do the memories kick in? I remember things. I remember. Like, if I'm really like sat down to think like I did when I was writing this book, I was like, okay, let me like remember. but like my life to me begins like when I come to California where I'm like 17, 18. So that's where like memories kick in.

15:57But as a kid, I'm just like, I remember things if I'm like forced to, but it's like, I didn't have like best friends growing up. I didn't do activities. Like I do, I can see that it was me. I think I was like a little maybe off putting. Like I'm not, even to this day, if people want to be my friend, I literally have to tell them because now I know myself enough to be like, I'm not a great friend. I'm not a great, we didn't have texting back in the day but I'm not good at texting I don't want to hang out with people and I think maybe I gave off a little that energy when I was younger as well that I was yeah that I was like I liked being alone I liked watching movies I don't know like maybe that's I can see that it was probably more me than the kids because I know I wasn't like also like ruthlessly bullied where I'm like the kids all are gonna die carry status you know it wasn't like that it was just like I was just kind of by myself so you you introverted not extroverted I would say yeah what do they say it's like an extroverted introvert.

16:45Extroverted introverted. Yeah, that's definitely me. Like I love to be alone. I love my alone time. But then I love this too. Like I love I never get out. So like getting to promote this book, I'm like, I get to meet you. I get to meet all people. I would never I just don't ever talk to people or anything like that. But I do like people the older I get. I do appreciate people. So why now have you decided to write the book? I just thought like it was a good time, right? Like 20 years I've been doing social media. And I just was like, I really wanted to be the first to do something where it was like, I don't think any of like the original like YouTubers that came out in like 2006 and stuff had wrote a book about the beginning of the internet.

17:17So I really was like, oh, I'm going to do that. Just fascinating. Yeah, I thought so too. And my publishers thought so. So when I set out to write the book, it wasn't like a memoir about my childhood, which it kind of became. It was more like, oh, I want to like the beginning stages of the internet and where it is now. Because I like love the internet still. Like I love being an influencer or whatever you want to call me. But I was like unique in the sense that like, yeah, I was like the first person to be like on YouTube and still posting content to this day. You know, your book is called Crying on the Kitchen Floor.

17:41Yes. Because... Can we say that's maybe in a way what you're famous for in a way? Of course. That's why I named the book that. So for anyone who doesn't know, can you explain that title to me? So I mean, Crying on the Kitchen Floor videos definitely started probably even around like Celebrity Big Brother. There was definitely kitchen floor videos around that time. It was like between like 2015 and like 2019. And it was just me having mental breakdowns on my kitchen floor, which at the time, you know, was very, uh, was real. It was all I knew how to do, but I was making money doing it. And then people thought I was a little crazy back then.

18:14And I feel like now people think it's a little camp. They'll be like, this is me or whatever. You know what I mean? But back then it was very, very real mental breakdowns for sure. And it was just constantly because I was just in a state of such being unwell. Have you ever, do you know, did you know anything about me before this interview? 100%. Okay. So did you know those videos? Listen, whether you, I've seen your videos, whether you've seen your videos, you would have, you, or you don't even know your name. You've seen memes. You've seen. Okay. I wanted to know what you've seen. Oh, dude, your, like, work is, like, vast.

18:46I'm not even kidding you. There are memes, there are gifs, there are, like, soundbites, there are videos. So I think the really interesting thing about you is that I would argue, even if someone doesn't know who you are, they've probably seen something you've done. Okay. And because your YouTube channel's got over a billion views, right? So that's insane, personally. I reckon if I went to my mom who's in her 70s she wouldn't know who you are but she would have seen a video of you at some point you think? in the 70s? I don't know I honestly think so which makes you kind of which makes you like a cultural phenomenon in a way which is kind of amazing okay I love that I'll take that thank you yeah well you probably know too it's like the whole like does anyone even care about me anymore you know you like did a reality show and then it's like you just never know you're always questioning if people still care and well the problem is I tell you what it is the problem with social media is that we're constantly comparing ourselves the whole time, which is really tough.

19:40Not only that, it's like a constant survive to stay relevant the whole time, which is really hard. And you were at the birth of the internet. That's why your book is so interesting because at the birth of the internet, there was less competition. So you could post a video, get loads and loads of millions of views and no one else was really posting. Because they didn't know how to, they didn't know what it was about. And now you're competing with 7 billion people because everyone has a phone. Everyone. Everyone's a TikToker and the brand deals. There was like no brand deals back then. There wasn't even monetization.

20:08So like no one was really competing for money. So it was really just the people like for the love of it posting. So it felt a little more authentic. When was your first, when was the first time you posted a video? Do you remember that day? Yes, January 4th, 2007 was my first. Talk me through. So what, you put the camera up? What happens? Yes. So yeah, I had like a little digital camera and I didn't know how to edit or anything like that. It like only recorded up to 59 seconds and then it would stop. So I just like did 59 second videos for my first like two years. And I was in this little apartment in Hollywood.

20:31I had just graduated high school. I was like 18 years old. and it's like the apartment in Hollywood that has no doorknob. It's right in Hollywood and Highland. So it's like the Mecca of like LA. It has no doorknob? It has no doorknob. And no one would fix it because it was like 800 bucks. It was like 800 bucks and like my landlord wouldn't fix it. My neighbor was like, and I say this with so much love, like he was a crackhead Superman. He was Superman on Hollywood Boulevard and he did love his crack, but he was so sweet and that was, and he protected me. So like if anyone tried to come in through the doorknob, like Superman was right next door, like across the hallway from me and he would like come in and be like, someone's trying to get into your door.

21:02so he was always protecting me because he was a crackhead so he was up all hours in the night. So it was great. I didn't have to worry about sleeping. Anyways. How much was rent? $800. A month? In 2006. Yeah. In Hollywood though. It was like Hollywood and Highland. With steel. Yeah, it was a great. Absolutely steel. And it's built up now but like back then it was a little bit scary but it was behind a liquor store and it was wonderful and I did love it because it was LA so it was everything and so I remember I uploaded a video because I was kind of popular on MySpace. I think I had like, I don't know.

21:31I mean, I literally quit community college because I have like 30 ,000 followers on MySpace. And so I wanted to put my voice on my MySpace page. And it's a little embarrassing now. I was dedicated to Quentin Tarantino at the time. So it was so embarrassing. My name was Mrs. Tarantino, which is... And you moved to LA because of Quentin Tarantino. And then you met him like three weeks later. Three weeks later. And it was because I was posting these videos on my MySpace page. And, you know, just reenacting scenes from his movies and stuff. And then Eli Roth had seen him. And then he was like, oh, you should come to this theater that Quentin owned.

21:59And he invited me and I got to meet Quentin. And so I got to meet him like really like right away. What was the moment you met him? Like back then, if you take yourself back to Trisha back then, forget Quentin now, but back then, and you're seeing this person that you have like dedicated your whole like persona to. Right. I felt like I really did feel so powerful. I feel like people nowadays would be like, she's such a good manifester. And I like, I felt it in that moment where I was like, damn, I really could do anything because I literally was just like, I want to meet Quentin Tarantino. That's all I want to do.

22:28That's why I'm coming to LA. And like in three weeks I met him. And I was just like, ooh, I'm like super powerful. So I really did kind of know back then that I could like – I didn't know what manifesting was back then. But I really was like, oh, I can kind of make anything happen. And what I didn't know is I was so powerful at the time. I didn't know that. I didn't know it worked the other way where it's like negativity. So like for me, I also manifested no one's ever going to love me because I was – you know, I was a stripper at the time. I was all these things. And I was like no one's going to love me and I don't deserve love.

22:52And so I was manifesting that my whole life. I was just manifesting toxicity. And I was like, you know, my relationship with my dad, I'm like it will never get better. So it like didn't get better. so it really was like I was just digging myself in a hole I was creating drama and more drama was coming to me because I was such a magnet to the universe and so you could draw in great things like meeting Quentin Tarantino but you could also draw in the negative things oh a thousand percent like I really thought like to be in LA story I thought it had to like involve drugs and sex and also I was like I'm gonna just do it all while I get here you know what I mean like movies dictated my whole life so early on I like loved the movie Taxi Driver right I was like obsessed with the movie great movie but in my head I was like oh I'm gonna be a 13 year old like prostitute and Harvey Keitel's going to come save me from all my problems.

23:30So I thought, this is what I got to do. Granted, I was 18 when that happened, but I still thought, oh, Harvey Keitel's going to come save me and I'm going to find this man to be my, you know what I mean? So it took me the other way. So in your head, you were falling down the route of movies because you believed in these movies and so your superhero was going to come at some point and save you. And I suppose the thing is, is now that you're like a mom, you just think that like, I would never let my babies get to a place where they would feel that way. I cried when I found out I was having a daughter.

23:58Do you have a daughter or a son? I have a son. Okay. I wanted a son so bad because when I found out I had a daughter, a lot of people thought it was like, you know, me wanting to be a boy mom. And it wasn't even any of that. It was just like, damn, I know how hard it is for girls, especially little girls with self-esteem, self-worth. Mine was school. I was abused by, you know, male like figures in my school and adults that I trusted. And it's just like, damn. Like, so my daughters, I shelter them so much. And I just do that because I'm so worried of them being exposed to the world. And it's tough.

24:29Like, girls, it's tough. But I'm really – God, if that ever was my daughter, I would just – I don't know what I would do. I would – I don't know. So I really try to bubble her. I really try to give her this cushy life. I hope she stays with me forever. I'm like, I hope she lives with me for the rest of her life. Do you know what? The beautiful thing, I think, is this, Trisha, is that the fact that you have had those experiences and you have been through that, you can now be the most amazing mentor and coach to your kids to make sure that they don't experience those things because you know what it's like to go through that.

24:54So if you see that sort of like drifting towards it, you're like, hang on a second, I know where this path goes and I'm going to stop it, right? Yeah, and I would be able to tell right away and like any sort of like low self-worth or self-esteem. And I build them up so much, like as much as I possibly can because I just, I didn't have that. It's not even because anyone like tore me down. It was just no one built me up like, oh, you're good at this or you should do this. It was nothing like that. It was just kind of like good luck, you know, out there. And it's, my parents worked all the time. They were really hardworking and stuff like that.

25:19So I don't blame them. But I really just want to make sure she knows like her worth. Like she can do anything. Do you know what? No wonder you have that sort of vision of men. Right. Because it feels like you said that at school you had these people in authority abusing you. Yeah, yeah. I had a lot of sexual abuse in school. And the boys, the teenage boys, because it was by adult men, but the teenage boys would make fun of me for it. Like they'd be like, oh, you have a crush on this person or you're this or whatever about like me and other people, like adult men. And I think it was like I hated the young boys for it.

25:50I was like, the adult men are mature, even though they were the ones doing the abuse. And I remember the like teenage boys. I just remember they were like mocking me for having boobs or for talking to like teachers or anything that they would just like be assholes. And I was just like, so I never. Yes, you don't trust them. Right. So then it becomes a point where you don't trust. And then when you have heartbreak as well, you're just like men are assholes. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. And I never dated anyone under 40 my entire life from 16 on. I've always dated 40 plus like I've never dated anyone in their 20s.

26:17Maybe my boyfriend that was gay was like 37. Maybe. I don't know. I can't remember. Your boyfriend. Yeah, yeah. I didn't have a gay boyfriend, which I love. He knows I apologize so many times. I probably knew deep down he was gay, but he was great. But he might have been my youngest at like 37, maybe.

26:37Hi, this is Elise Hugh from TED Talks Daily brought to you by Okta. As organizations rush to deploy AI, agents operating in the dark create massive security blind spots. To bring them out of the shadows, Okta answers four critical questions. Where are my agents? What can they do? What are they doing? And how do I respond if they go rogue? Okta secures AI. Learn more at Okta.com.

27:20Shop Black Friday early in-store and online now at Lowe's. Valid through 12-2 while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See associate at lowes.com for details. Cash Now More Later from Opendoor gives you cash up front for your home, plus all the profit later. That's no chaos now, no cash left behind later. Skip the showings now, pocket extra profit later. This is so simple now, this is so awesome later. or sell fast now and pop the champagne later. Cash now, more later. Now available nationwide. Start your offer at opendoor.com slash ACAST. Profits calculated after fees and costs, eligibility and offer price may vary.

28:04Can we talk about Moses quickly? I would love nothing more. What's the best thing about your husband? I think he's just, he's the most nonjudgmental person. He has a philosophy that I constantly argue with him on the podcast about is he thinks that like you either love everybody or you hate everyone. He thinks you can't like hate one person and love other. He's like, you have to love everybody or otherwise you like hate everyone. And I was like, that's not true. I hate this person, this person. So like, you know what I mean? We argue that all the time, but he is so grounded in like love and being nonjudgmental.

28:35I mean, people can wrong him so hard and I want to like make a video. I want to like fight back. And he's like, it's okay. It's okay. I was like, no it's not like they're lying they're this he is the most laid back everything is okay every everything in life he's like it's fine like we're here everything is fine and I was like okay period I mean I try to adapt that but I haven't really fully do you know what was the moment when he proposed to you I love it my proposal is my favorite did you love your proposal loved it I loved it so the proposal itself was diabolical we were I'm a cosplayer and so I was like You're a lacrosse player?

29:11I'm a cosplayer. I was dressed as a lacrosse player.

29:17We were dressed Okay, so he asked my glam team he was like, when should I propose? And they're like, when she's in her hair and makeup she wants to look pretty for the pictures. So he took that as my next one was I was cosplaying Jasmine and he was going to be like Jafar and we were in these outfits and we're in the sand dunes and I'm way too tan. My hair is like a black wig I don't look like myself at all. And he proposed. And I was like, this is such a weird time to propose. But okay. And then I loved it. Did you feel like you were floating at the time? It's weird, isn't it? When you suddenly get praised, you're like, this is happening.

29:46This is happening. This is happening. I'm sure you've had relationships. I never had a relationship. So I'm just like, wow, someone wants to marry me. No one even wanted to be my boyfriend. I never had a boyfriend that I lived with. Oh, there's the proposal. There it is. Yes. We're in the sand dunes. There it is. I couldn't believe it. Not only did this man want to marry me. I was like so in disbelief. He picked out the ring. I showed him one time this ring that I wanted really early on, like within a week. I was like, I want this ring. That is a rock. This is, yeah, there was in the early 2000s, we had a show called Surreal Life and Tracy Bingham was married to, engaged to a billionaire and she had this ring.

30:18And I was like, I want this ring. And my husband was able, you know, the wholesale industry here in LA, he was able to find one that was, you know, a cute diamond. And it's not Cartier, but I like loved it so much because it was big. And I was like, I just want a big, I don't care what's a big dirty diamond. And it's a big dirty diamond. I think it was a big dirty diamond. Not a dirty diamond. I feel like that's like blood diamond. No, no, no. he found it in LA but and paid for it that sounded crazy but yeah and I think the fact that he remembered what ring I wanted and he was proposing he said he called my dad which was crazy I was like what the hell like it was this whole thing a real gentleman a real gentleman and it was I was I was shocked oh my god talk about like damaged goods I was like no one like no one is gonna ever want to marry me like whatever and I was it was it was insane I couldn't believe it do you know what that is so beautiful and magical because I can feel it on you right you you felt like you didn't have the self-worth for men you felt like you weren't good enough for these people right and then someone saying i want to be with you for the rest of your life because you are worth being with must have been a moment for you we're just like oh my god wait i mean that's how i got sober from pills and literally the next day i just like i just threw them like all down the toilet i was on a lot of xanax when i met him that was like my drug of choice back then and i was just constantly out of it i was constantly it was quarantine i was constantly out of it and i just remember being like i cannot fuck this up and he did not like it when i take xanax as he would be like it was it was obviously a point of contention all stuff like that and I would hide it from him but I was like I really need to stop and that was the last time I ever took pills was was it really yeah and I never took like a xanax even now even my c-sections I never took anything they did give me like they had to give me like fentanyl for like an emergency section was I was pissed about because I didn't want to take it but I never took any pain pills afterwards like nothing you drink no no but I never drink only because like I don't like the taste of alcohol wow yeah so I never that moment changed it for you oh yeah I was just like I'm done with any of the pills and I didn't never want to take pills again and um I really got into therapy more that year too so I stopped taking like any like medications um like got weaned off of them and it was it was the best thing ever what do you think Moses would say the best thing about you is I mean I'm a I'm like an over lover where I feel like if you didn't know me I could be like a love bomber but I genuinely love especially my kids I'm constantly like I love you so much I'm probably just like okay mom um I'm definitely like just I'm a really loving person.

32:28I don't know, to be honest. I mean, I know I bring fun to his life. He's always like, my life was boring before I met you. So I know I bring fun. That's a great question. Honestly, I need to know Moses because we need to ask you, Moses. You will bring so much. I don't know if I bring anything to this relationship. No, the reason why I asked you is because I wanted sometimes when sometimes when you ask that question, it makes you realize actually what you do. And sometimes I think we need to reaffirm that within ourselves. Can I tell you, I actually don't know what I do in this relationship. Like, I'm so lucky.

32:55I hit the, like, jackpot. My husband does everything. I'm like, he does everything. He literally, when I gave birth, he's like, I never got up with the kids during a postpartum. Like, I just got to sleep my whole eight hours and I had the best postpartum recovery because of that. Like, he knew I could probably spiral into some depression and he got up every single night with all the babies. Moses. Thank you guys for appreciating that. Some people would be like, wow, you're a mom. You don't want to get up with your kids. And I was like, I just needed to sleep and it made me a best mom. Oh, listen, everyone's different.

33:23And you've got to be the best mom. What do you think your wife would say about you that you bring to the relationship? Holy shit. Because I would love to know. Because we're so similar that I'm like, are you a 10 %er? Or how much do you bring to the relationship? I think my wife would say, she would say I would do anything for them. I mean, anything. Paul and you're there. I think Sophie would doesn't matter where she is what she's doing what's happening she would know that if something was wrong or she needed me it would be sorted and I would make it happen reliability and then you healed your abandonment because you would never abandon them so that's kind of beautiful because you either follow or you change you break the mold I love that how much are you for that therapist session that was unbelievable that is exactly it yeah I think so And also, I just love her deeply.

34:19And we do. And also, I think I bring... And I... She is just... Yeah, she's... She's the coolest. She's the coolest. I feel the same way about Moses. Man. No, I used to have celebrity crushes. And I used to, like, fantasize about celebrities and stuff like that. And I... Quentin Tarantino. Maybe, like, Zac Efron or something like that. But I used to be, like, what if? And that's why I, like, didn't want to get married for so long. Because I was just like, what if, like, Brad Pitt wants to marry me? Like, I used to always think that. Never have those thoughts. I literally never do. No, you stopped window shopping.

34:46Yeah. You basically get married and you go, this is my person. Here we go. And that for me was like, for some reason, when you're in a relationship, you're like just boyfriend, girlfriend. You're like, no, the grass could be greener. Yes. And then you suddenly get married. You're like, the grass is not fucking greener. This is great. Well, I think you have to go through a lot of relationships to also understand that because I've been through so many and I'm like, damn, it all sucks. And then my husband, who was like not my type and I thought was boring. I was like, well, this is better than being like yelled at or like, you know, being ignored or like left alone on Thanksgiving.

35:13Like I was like, this is not bad, I guess. and then I grew into like love and it was beautiful. Can we talk about your kids? Please. Malibu Barbie, Elvis, and Aquaman. Yeah. One could argue they're quite unique names. By design. My baby's called Ziggy. After what? After Ziggy Stardust? No. After a place called Ziggy Bay where we conceived him. We had sex then. Oh, I do love that. We were Maui and I was like, what if we name our kid Maui? that's kind of cool but malibu barbie why malibu barbie malibu barbie was a name so malibu and elvis were both names that i've i've been saying manifesting if you will on youtube on everywhere i've been telling everybody that's my kids names since i was like 12 years old i'm like i'm gonna have i thought it was gonna be twins malibu and barbie and then i thought i was gonna have a boy named elvis but then when my second was a girl we were done having kids and i was like well we'll just name her elvis because like those are my kids names like they're always gonna be malibu barbie and elvis because i thought my i always wanted to be malibu barbie as a kid i was like That's so cool.

36:12And then Elvis. I, like, loved Elvis. So I was like, well, my son's going to be Elvis, of course. Like, that's done and done. So those were always just the names we had for my kids. I had for my kids. And then Aquaman? Aquaman was a joint effort. I told my husband, you can name the third baby. I was like, you can have it. Yeah, Moses. Moses chose Aquaman. And he was like, it was a boy. And I was like, we should name him, like, Moses Jr. And I had all of my names or whatever. But he loves water. My husband, that's how he identifies his sexuality. His gender is very – and people think he's joking, but he's not.

36:42He really does identify as water. He doesn't identify as, like, man or straight or any of that stuff like that. He's very fluid. And so he loves water. So he's like, it's going to be a water name. He had a beautiful poem called The Water Snake that I thought was a great name for our baby because our baby was born in the year of the snake. So I was like, oh, I love that name. Because it ultimately is up to you. And so all our kids have movie posters named after them. So Barbie – Malibu Barbie is Barbie. And then we have Elvis movie poster. And so we're like, maybe we should stick in the same theme of, like, a water movie.

37:08So then we were looking at water movies and stuff like that. And he always had an Aquaman theme in his water museum. He does photography. He does images of water. He puts them in captions in the movement. So his whole museum is that. And in the museum, he had a whole Aquaman section. And then it popped up, actually, that I also had an Aquaman phase for a very different reason. I really loved Jason Momoa. And I was like, I love Aquaman. So I would go to Comic-Con dressed as Aquaman. And anyways, it was just kind of the thing we had in common. And I was like, are you sure? And then he's like, yeah.

37:36And then luckily there was a blonde Aquaman back in the day and my baby's blonde. And he kind of looked like the blonde Aquaman. So then we're like, Aquaman it is. He came out with blonde hair. Do you call him full name Aquaman? We do. We thought it was going to be like baby Aqua or something. But Aquaman is just so much cooler. So you would say Aquaman is breakfast. 100%. And my kids say it too. So like Elvis is like too. He's like Aquaman, Aquaman. Like he is Aquaman. Rockstar. Yeah. He is Aquaman. He is so cool. And it's like. your baby's a superhero they're they're all superheroes can I tell you though it's like you almost forget what the name came from my baby girl Elvis is obviously not nothing like Elvis Presley and I love that I think she's like gonna re-change the name you know what I mean so I think he's like that with Aquaman too no disrespect to the superhero but also the internet went crazy because when you had Malibu Barbie the internet thought it was Queen Elizabeth reincarnated she might be I think that one is real the other one can you explain that though what happened I was so annoyed this was in my peace era so this was like Like before my podcast and I started talking about drama again, this was in my peace era.

38:38I was meditating 15 hours a day. I was not creating drama online. I was like, I was off the drama route for about a year and a half when this happened. And a week before my daughter was born, I tweeted, I'm a centimeter dilated. About a minute later, the news broke that Queen Elizabeth has passed away. And everyone's like, I have no idea where it started from. I did not troll it. My biggest fear was that people thought I started it. And I was like, I am not a troll anymore. Like, don't bring my daughter into this. I was so upset about it because everyone's like, Trisha is rebirthing the queen right now.

39:08And I don't know why it caught on. It was everywhere. Everyone's calling me TMZ. My dad's calling me. I had to shut off my phone again because I was like, y 'all, I'm still pregnant. What the hell? And then I gave birth a few days later and people are like, well, her soul can still live on a few days. So people do think that she's the queen reincarnate. I'll take it.

39:31Hi, this is Elise Hu from TED Talks Daily brought to you by Okta. As organizations rush to deploy AI, agents operating in the dark create massive security blind spots. To bring them out of the shadows, Okta answers four critical questions. Where are my agents? What can they do? What are they doing? And how do I respond if they go rogue? Okta secures AI. Learn more at Okta.com. Whoever said good things come to those who wait, never shop Black Friday early at Lowe's. Right now, get up to 50 % off select major appliances. Plus, get free delivery, free haul-away, and free basic installation and parts when you spend$896 or more on select major appliances.

40:15Shop Black Friday early in-store and online now at Lowe's. Valid through 12-2 while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See associate at lowes.com for details.

40:29what do you think the craziest thing you've done is then craziest thing ever yeah that's the thing it's like when I look back on my life I'm like it wasn't that crazy like I really don't think it's like that crazy um oh my god that's a good question I don't know again I lived my life so I was kind of like it's nothing because also you have to also know like the kitchen floor videos like everything is like everything you've seen online is like in my apartment. Like you never see me out being a public menace. Like I did everything inside, which is inside my head, this like mental jail, like everything was inside and to myself.

41:02So I don't know if I've ever done anything crazy. I don't know if I've done anything crazy. No, but it's just what I, what I also love about you, Trish, is that because maybe it's the YouTube and stuff like that, you, you talk what your mind is thinking. It's like really beautiful. Yeah. Thank you. Like, like it's, it's really, it's like amazing. Yeah. So what What you're thinking is what you'll say. So when you're doing those videos on the floor, you're actually just, you're going through it. So you're talking it out. Yeah. And that's what it was. I had no friends. I had no therapist at the time.

41:29So I think it was just like wanting to like talk and like be heard. And I think that's what was so beautiful about YouTube, specifically the kitchen floor videos, is like people listen. People listen and they related and they understood. And I think that was the best part. That was the best thing for me, even though I was like very mentally unwell. It was the best thing for me at the time. What do people think of you now in the UK? Did you have a little bit of a rebranding? Because that was me too. People are like, damn, this is a different Trish than like 10 years ago. Are you like, are people looking at you different?

41:56I think so. I think what happened was is that like, so doing our reality show, the currency was drama, right? And I don't like drama. I don't like fighting. I don't, I just don't enjoy it. But you had to do that because it was a food chain, right? So to be the lion, you had to break up, make up, cause all this stuff. And that's what I was doing because also I'm unemployable. So I had to make that work. Yeah, yeah. Right? That's how I felt. And so then what happened was, is when I got to the end of it, which was like late-ish 20s, I was like, I just don't like this version of myself one bit. I had sort of wasn't close to my family as much and my friends I hadn't been the best friend to and all this stuff.

42:34So I basically had to come out and apologize to everyone, to my friends. I had to say, I'm really sorry for being a bad friend. And I had to go to my parents and say, I'm really sorry. And so now, for the past 10 years, I reckon is, I've basically tried to, like, make everything good again. What is your turning point? I mean, I've had a couple rock bottoms. Again, a lot of self-inflicted rock bottoms, I suppose. I had one in 2019. I ended up in a mental hospital. And I was like, oh, shit. Like, you know, I probably should, like, get this together. I had another one in 2019 where an ex-boyfriend accused me of driving my pink G-wagon into his house.

43:07But I didn't see a police report. So I don't know if that happened. But, of course, I was like, well, maybe that happened because I don't know. Wait, wait. I have a lot. Did that happen? You know I believed it for so long and I talked about it as if it happened for so long. I remember that night a little. You said it happened but it didn't happen? Well, I did come to his house and I definitely was trying to break in and I pretended to be dead in his pool. I remember all that but I don't remember the G-Wagon in his living room and I'm pretty sure there'd be a police report or pictures or something because it was in a prominent area.

43:36You pretended to not be alive in his pool? I definitely was floating in the pool hoping he'd come out to see if I was alive. but I don't think I crashed the G-Wagon which he was going on podcasts being like she crashed the G-Wagon and I was like maybe I did it was very bad how long were you floating in the pool I mean just probably a few seconds I don't know if I could hold my breath that well I was definitely like under the influence it definitely was like I need to get help it was a crazy time but he did try to like perpetuate my craziness by being like she crashed into the living room where me and my kids were and I don't know that but what was the moment do you think becoming a mom becoming a parent getting married was a big turning point?

44:10I think I had a turn before all that. I think that all fell into place, but I had to like help myself first. I had a psychosis. I only had one psychosis in my life outside of drugs and alcohol. So when I was like not on anything, I had one of the biggest psychotic breaks in my life, which that to me was the scariest because I was so coherent. I was engaged to my now husband and I had just bought a house. Like everything was going good on paper. So to have like a psychosis like that, I was like, I need to get something. I need to change something. And I've been on every medication, every therapy you could do.

44:38So that was kind of like a spiritual awakening. What happened? Can you talk me through what happens when you have a, and can you explain what a psychosis is? So it's different for everyone. Um, I, I went into psychosis and mine was hearing voices. So I was like hearing voices that were really, really strong and they weren't intrusive thoughts. They were truly like, um, I don't want to say demonic, but they were maybe, they were just like voices that were just telling me like, Hey, hey, there's the window. Like, that's how you end all this. And I was so wrapped up in social media. So I was so wrapped up on Twitter.

45:08So I was getting really, the worst cancellation ever, which is kind of crazy, was in 2021. And it was really just because I had a falling out with an ex-podcast co-host. And so like of all the crazy, rotten things I've done online, this was like the worst cancellation where people were just coming really strong at me and there was no ending it. So I pleaded with my ex-co-host. And I was like, hey. What is it? Sorry, I'm sorry to cut you off. What is that? What happened? What is that? What happened? We just had like, we ended a podcast we did for like nine months. This is Frenemies, right? Frenemies, yes.

45:35Okay, I didn't know if you know. But it was like this podcast that was pretty big here and it ended. And I don't know, we always had fights. That was our whole dynamic and it ended. Can you say why it ended? I mean, you kind of see it on the last episode. It's just kind of like we had a fight and we always do. It was something like not even that crazy. I think we started talking about money and I was like, I don't get paid enough and you keep all the highlights. And it was something about money, whatever. We have these fights all the time on Frenemies. We have like three major ones. the fight happened, whatever.

46:03We went home. He's like, don't worry about it. It's fine as we normally did. But I think Reddit really was like, we're done with Trish. And I think that's when my co-host was like, we're done with like Frenemies or like, don't come to the filming tomorrow. We were supposed to film a vlog. And he's like, don't come to the filming tomorrow. And then I felt obviously triggered. And then I was like, I'm quitting Frenemies. So I did like a whole video on it. And then it kind of just ended. So after I did the I Quit Frenemies video, he did a podcast. And that one really annihilated me in the sense that he's like, she wanted the whole crew fired and it was like this whole thing right and it wasn't true that's the thing i can combat the things i've done or i don't combat them i just like own up to it i'm like fuck that was me whatever um it's hard you can't combat like lies so if he's like she wanted the whole crew fired obviously reddit everyone's gonna be like wow what a bitch but like it just wasn't the case that wasn't true not at all it was i don't even know where that came from i was like oh we should hire um i wanted i wanted one of my gay friends oscar who's my co-host now actually i like i was like oh we should hire this guy whatever he's like great and then that didn't happen whatever i just didn't feel like I had people like on my side over there.

47:01It's fine. But then he just did this video with just like so many lies and all these things. And obviously said I lied about the sexual assault with the teacher that I talked about on the show, like just like really awful things. And every day on Twitter, I was getting justice for, and it was the teacher's name. And it just felt like a lot. So when that all happened and he kept perpetuating that and on Twitter and everything and just getting thousands a day, just saying justice for this person and like you're a liar, like all of So I think I know that's what sent me. And I begged him. It felt like the world was against you.

47:30It felt like the world was against me. And my safe place was the internet, right? The safe place, I knew I could come to the internet to talk to it. And that was no longer like my safe space. Like nobody wanted to hear it from me. And so I begged him. I said, can you please stop? This was three months later after it ended. And it was still going. And I was like, can you please stop? Just stop. That is a long time. It was crazy. It was awful. And he's like, I'm never going to stop. And you can't tell me what to do. And then that's when I realized it's never going to stop. And so voices kicked in.

47:55it's never going to stop. Like you, you got to just go out. And we had a two story, we just bought a house. It was a two story window. Like you got to just go out that window. Like there's cement there, just like crash your head there. And so, and I never had like any of these like suicidal tendencies, anything like that. And so it was like very real to the point where my, my, my fiance at the time, my husband now, it was like literally like holding me back. And like, and I kept begging him, like, you know, I'm like, just let me do it. Just let me do it. And he's like, well, I can call the hospital.

48:20I can call this. And I was like, no, just let me do it. They're going to take me to a mental hospital. It's going to be worse. It's going to be all this stuff like that because I've been in mental hospitals and they're horrible. And so he really just kind of held me down that whole night. And I was like fighting these voices in my head and just like any chance like he wouldn't let me go to the bathroom by myself, all this stuff. And this is sober and this is in love and this is all this stuff like that. So I was like, what the hell? So truly the next day, it sounds crazy. And like I literally started just Googled like how to stop hearing voices, how to stop being crazy.

48:50Like that's what I Googled because I was like, what the hell am I going to do? Like, um, it was, it was bad. It was really, really bad. And the voices subsided a little bit, but basically, you know, your first Google search is like, I'm like, I'm, I'm going through psychosis and this, it's like the first thing it tells you is to like, just shut off your like electronics and stuff like that. Like to shut off your thing. So I literally just shut off the internet, which is kind of, it should sound basic to so many people are like common knowledge. But for me, that was like a lot of the, a lot of the noise.

49:17And so like voices started stopping. And then I, another thing that came up was like meditation, which I've never done in my life before this, but I was in DPT classes to talk about, um, wise mind and all these things like that. And so I was like, I'm just going to go outside and truly be like quiet to myself. I can't talk to my husband. I can't talk to anyone. Um, for, I would do it for 15 hours a day. I would just go out there and I was just, obviously the voices are still in your head. So when you start meditation, so I started doing mantras. I adapted a Hari Krishna mantra. I adapted mantras to like get that out of my head.

49:45And so I really had like a spiritual awakening by just being silent for 15 hours a day. Wow, being still. Being still. And I still work that today when I get overwhelmed. I wish I could meditate for that long now. But being still solved that problem in that moment. Trish, firstly, I'm so sorry. That was a lot. That is a lot. Have you spoken to Ethan since? No, no. I made a decision also as well to completely stop talking about him then. And I haven't. I haven't talked about him in five years. It's been relentless on his end. We try to talk through my husband's family because they're related. It's my husband's brother-in-law.

50:25I know, which must be a lot, right? Yeah. So we try to talk through family, but it kind of made it worse. And then he would bring it. My husband's never said anything publicly, but Ethan, of course, would be like, oh, you're like crying to your mom. It just became a lot. And so I made the decision to stop talking about him. My husband's never talked about them. And the only reason I'm even talking about it now is because it was really hard for me. and I just want to set the record straight. And also, I do want to move on from it. I mean, it's been five years of relentless. Like, I don't talk back anymore and he knows that.

50:55So I think it's been just relentless. It changes, the narrative changes. Oh, frenemies ended because of Moses, because of this. And I've never been able to like talk about it because I was scared. Like, I mean, he's the only person to have sent me in psychosis with it'll never stop and it'll ever end. And so, not that I blame him fully, of course. I mean, it was my own, but there was nothing else. I was in therapy. I wasn't on drugs. because I was like, what the hell? Like, I don't want this person to have this power over me. So just over time, too, you just kind of learn to whatever. But I was, and I don't want to, after this book's out, of course I'm talking about it on these.

51:26I don't mind talking about it on interviews now. It's my, like, one chance to do it. But I just also want it to be done because I also don't, I just want it to be done. You know what I mean? And you don't, and perhaps then you were so scared anything you said or did was going to be made into content. Yes. And you don't want that to happen. And now you're just like, here's my peace, here's my truth. Yeah. Then let's do it and move on. It might cause another five years of him coming for me. But there's nothing. But you're probably in a better place where you can handle that, right? You can be like, okay.

51:49Better place mentally. But there has, he has said so much. There's nothing more. I mean, there's just nothing more. You've come for me for my child molestation. You've come for me for my infertility, claiming I lied about being infertile. You've come for me for everything. There is nothing else. My kids, their names. There's nothing else that can come about. There's nothing else. It's all been said. It's all been out there. There's truly nothing else. and and that I find peace to be honest because in the past year and stuff it's just like it's just kind of all just bullshit whatever and I find peace it's like okay you can keep doing this I would love for it to stop I would love for it to stop and just like call truce obviously you're allowed to respond to this you've been responding for five years I would love for it to stop I would love I would love just never talk about me again I'll never talk about and I've never said that about anyone right but it's like truly this person I just don't I don't I just want it to stop I do Do you think if Ethan reached out, right, and he said, look, truths.

52:42We can move forward separately. I would love nothing more than that. We're obviously never going to be family. We could never. I mean, the things that he said about my husband, my kids, it can never be family anymore for me personally. But I would love for it to be a truce. I would love for it to be like he has kids. He has a business. Like just do it in tandem. Do you know what I mean? Like it's just but my kids will have to see all the stuff he said about my husband Moses. I mean, he told my husband, like, suck my dick just for simply like talking to just horrible, horrible things. And I'm just like, my kids have to see that.

53:13And I just don't want to. So it's never going to be family. It's I would just like it for it to be peaceful and just be like, I would say up until the end of Frenemies, right? During we were all we were pretty 50 50 toxic. In fact, I would take 80 percent of me was toxic. And I get that. I understand that. And we kind of were going around the same path. But it was like the aftermath of it was insane. Yeah. Those three months before my psychosis, insane, but the five years after. And luckily, I have been able to find peace and stability and people start seeing through a lot of things. So at the end of the day, the internet, the comments, all that stuff doesn't have power over me.

53:48If everything goes away tomorrow, I have Moses. You can just delete it. I could delete it. I'm now set up where I don't need the internet like I needed it back then. You don't need that validation. You don't need that. The validation, even the money, all of that stuff like that. I wasn't set up like that. I was really bad. So I'm like, I think now I'm not scared of things going away. And it's fine if it did all go away tomorrow. I don't want it to. I love it. And Ethan's a very good entertainer and has his fan base. And I don't want him to, like, go away either. I just want him to, like, leave me alone.

54:19Yeah. No, I totally get it. Firstly, thank you for sharing that. Yeah. Sorry, just to stand him. Are you kidding me? Thank you. Honestly, I appreciate it. Like, it's so, and it's so interesting to hear from, like, your side and get into your mind and understand what it's like. Because when the internet does turn on you, it's a pretty scary place. And you've had, just to go over this little bit for a second, you've had a few times where they call it cancelled, right? Oh, I've been cancelled 5 ,000 times and nothing was as bad as that. Wait, why did you say it like that? Is it not in England? They don't have cancelled?

54:46No, it is. It is. But you seem to bounce back from it every time. And there's, you know, there's been like a few occasions, we don't really have to go into them. Your life has been on camera, so when you make a mistake, it's for everyone to comment and make a decision on it and all those different things. but you sit there and you go, look, I'm sorry. I made a huge mistake. Let's move forward. Yeah. I, I, I do love the internet for that, for the accountability because I just was never taught right or wrong as a child. You know what I mean? And a lot of those things people won't forgive me for and can't forgive me.

55:15And I do not expect it. And I think like, that's the thing that I really want people to know is like, once you make these mistakes or hurt an amount of people, like that's, that's your reputation for life. It's very hard to walk back. And even though yes, now people can see that I'm a little bit of a different person. Um, they'll always remember that part and that's totally fine like you know what I mean like there there was a lot of nastiness that I put out onto the world and that's that's okay that's okay and I and I realize I'll never be everyone's cup of tea of course but um you know it's really yeah there's a lot of power in like taking accountability and saying sorry which is what I hope a lot of people in the book can understand too it's like I feel like I apologize a lot and I never expect apologies back but I I think it's frustrating when people can't take accountability so I like to do it Can I ask you one more thing?

55:59On Reddit, it says you have 8 to 10 headshots that you sign and hand up when fans bump into you. True or false? False right now. It was true about a year ago. You could have caught some headshots in my car, but yes, I... I was hoping for a headshot. I would have loved to sign one. Because of my book, I've been signing 9 ,000 copies of my book, so I was like, I paused the headshots, but it used to be true. And you also, you released a K-pop song earlier this year, right? I had two, Saranghae and Pontokstep. And it's like, you know, how long did it take you to learn Korean? Honestly, like a day.

56:30Well, okay, I don't speak it fluently, of course. But the songwriter, Alex, he was teaching me as we went. And I picked it up pretty quick. I actually pick it up quicker than English. Like, I know those songs better than my English songs. So I picked it up a little quicker. Who's your favorite K-pop artist? Oh, gosh. I really like Eric Nam. He's really great. Kevin Roo was in my video with Pontiac Step. And he is from You Kiss. And he's one of my favorite. and then my kids loved K-pop Demon Hunters. That's why I got into K-pop. Yeah. Because they are obsessed with K-pop. And so I was like, ooh, maybe I should make this kind of music and then my kids will actually listen to it and they love it.

57:04My kids love my K-pop music. They've always picked my songs by dancing to them and stuff. They've always, they love the K-pop. Can I tell you something? We should start a podcast together. Oh my gosh. I feel like I would, even now I'm like, what just happened? I feel like it was like a whirlwind, but. Can I say, I interviewed a lot of people and I love energies. This has been one of my favorites. Yeah, thank you. Likewise, I wasn't expecting this. I don't know why I was expecting like... Because I'm posh and British. You're like, he's going to be a prick. Trish, listen, I want everyone to go and buy your book.

57:34Okay? We're going to leave the link in the show. Yeah, crying on the kitchen floor. We're going to leave the link in the show description. Go and click on it. Go and get it. Trish, listen, we like to end the conversation with eight quickfire questions. You ready? Quickfire? I'm bad at quickfire, but I'll try my best. What's a saying or phrase that makes you smile or cheers you up? Don't worry, be happy. Love it. What scares you most about yourself? My brain, my mental illness Best compliment anyone's ever given you? I think you told me I was a fascinating person You thought I had good energy, that made me feel good 100 % When was the last time you cried?

58:07Probably my psychotic break in 2021 That's the last time? Probably, I'm not a crier anymore My tears have all run dry They all dishold it I think so What's something you can't let go of? Apparently the past What's your guilty pleasure? Probably the Kardashians. Yeah. Yeah. Did you see Kylie walk in the Viesha? I mean, she looked great. She looked great. They kind of annoy me, but I love them. They're good. And she looked great. Oh, my God. She looked beautiful. She looked freaking great. I do love Kylie. I love all of them all. What's your biggest turn off? Liars. What's your biggest turn on? Truth.

58:40What do you like most about yourself? My ability to say I'm sorry. And bonus, what's the one hill you'll die on no matter how petty it is? The one I die on no matter how petty it is Mine would be that prawn cocktail crisps are the best crisps What did you just say? What? What is a prolonged cocktail crisp? What the fuck is that? It's called a prawn cocktail crisp Prawn cocktail crisp What the hell? Can you explain? You know prawns? Prawns? No You know what prawns are? No What do you call it? Shrimp, shrimp Shrimp It's like a shrimp cocktail You know a prawn A shrimp It's like a shrimp cocktail crisp.

59:21They're the best crisps. Oh, and potato chips. Yeah. You guys in the words, the crisps. So many things about that sentence I did was so wrong for you. You jogged mine. The one I'll die on is, give me a freaking washcloth. On Big Brother, they're like, we don't have, we don't wash our bodies with little tiny pieces of fabric, trying to call them flannels and stuff like that. I was like, where the fuck are the wash? No one in this library where they wash their body with cloth. Give me a freaking washcloth and I will die on that hill. Just your great company. Thank you so much. Yay! That was fun.

1:00:17and$896 or more on select major appliances. Shop Black Friday early in-store and online now at Lowe's. Valid through 12-2 while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See associate at lowes.com for details. Cash Now, More Later from Opendoor. Gives you cash up front for your home, plus all the profit later. That's no chaos now, no cash left behind later. Skip the showings now, pocket extra profit later. This is so simple now. This is so awesome later. Or sell fast now and pop the champagne later. Cash now, more later. Now available nationwide. Start your offer at opendoor.com slash ACAST.

1:00:58Profits calculated after fees and costs, eligibility and offer price may vary. When you're running a growing business, the right systems can unlock your full sales potential and make fulfilling every order effortless. Switch to ShipStation before peak season so you're prepped and ready before the rush hits. ShipStation connects Shopify, Amazon, TikTok Shop, and over 200 more marketplaces with one platform that does it all. You can manage orders, sync inventory, track returns, all automatically. Everything your operation needs, all in one place. Upgrade your shipping operations to stress-proof your biggest sales days and capture every bit of potential revenue.

1:01:28Go to ShipStation.com and use code AUDIO and get 30 days free. Hi, this is Elise Hugh from TED Talks Daily brought to you by Okta. As organizations rush to deploy AI, agents operating in the dark create massive security blind spots. To bring them out of the shadows, Okta answers four critical questions. Where are my agents? What can they do? What are they doing? And how do I respond if they go rogue? Okta secures AI. Learn more at Okta.com.