ASHLEY ROBERTS: BEING IN THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS ALMOST KILLED ME

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2:06Before we begin, a quick content warning that this episode contains discussion of suicide, which some listeners might find upsetting. Hello everyone, my name is Jamie Lane and this is Great Company.

2:24Well, hello Jemima. Hello. How are you? I'm well, enjoying the warm weather. My voice has gone a bit... A bit husky. I have no idea what happened. But do you like it when it's husky? I like it when it's husky, but I just think I've been talking too much. Do you wake up in the morning and scream into the mirror just to get a husky voice? Yeah. There you go. Maybe you could do. I just talk non-stop. It's honestly, like, unbearable. I think I'm sometimes unbearable. Yeah. Don't worry. Sometimes I think that's about me as well. Yeah. Yeah. This is a safe place for unbearably chatty people. So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Great Company Podcast.

2:58So happy to have you here. Today's episode, really exciting because we have Ashley Roberts on the podcast. Ashley was a member of the Pussycat Dolls. She's a friend of mine. She is wild in the best way possible. And she's written a book about breathwork. Yeah. So she's come onto the podcast to talk loads about breathwork, but about her life. Ashley's one of these people who finds it quite difficult sometimes to open up about everything that's happened to her, her life, her story. because she's had some real highs but also some real lows um she lost her dad through suicide which was horrendous as you can possibly imagine she was in the pussycat dolls at the height of fame so you can imagine the spectrum is just wide and amazing um and she comes in today and i'm excited for this one yeah i think the fact she's written a book about breathwork i'm really fascinated to know how you come because breathworks you know all about like centering yourself and being calm to feel to find that you obviously were in a place of not calm i think a lot of people can relate to that especially when the world's going mad and you're like ah it's really hopeful that journey seeing someone come to a space where they feel and i've been told for so long i need to do breath work oh really ah for so long should we do some yeah i think you should do some breath work in the episode i'm gonna do some breath work don't worry about that yeah can't wait for it we'll do it all together i also think it'd be really it's very surprising for people because Ashley has like such a like a sunny personality so like when you find out that people like that when they let you in and you're like oh you're really anxious when they feel a bit anxious they feel a certain way totally okay so this episode is going to be a real special one remember if you haven't subscribed to the show already can you please do click that button it does us absolute wonders and we also want you to let us know what you think of the show and what guests we should have on next let us know at greatcompany at jampopproductions.co.uk he's closing his eyes to say that because it means so much.

4:50It does. He said, just please, please subscribe. It really means a lot that you listen and you engage with this. I just can't tell you. Anyway, look, you know how much it means to me. Okay, here we go. Enjoy this episode of Great Company with Ashley Roberts. Hi, I'm Ashley Roberts and I'm in Great Company.

5:10We both did Strictly together. Yes, we did. We did. We did. I got to the final. He's all right. Oh, yeah. But we didn't win. No, we didn't. we didn't win but we were there we were there it's interesting about Strictly right I listened to this podcast which said if Strictly was called SAS Who Dares Wins people would be okay with the fact that it was quite hard and it's about dancing and people would be quite tough right and because it's Strictly it's meant to be happy but it's a dancing competition which is a lot and coming from a place like being in the dolls yeah where it was I can't even imagine how ruthless it was the whole time, the whole time.

5:51Bang, bang. Do you think shows like that or do you think shows like that have to be in that way, like quite tough in order to be successful? What do you mean? Tough within the rehearsal space? Yeah, tough within the rehearsal space, tough within like making people like, you know, Strictly's had this sort of bad rep. Yeah, I mean, because, you know, my experience with it, with Pasha was, I mean, it was hard work. Like, listen, I'm quite an active person. I got my bum handed to me. I was like, this is hard. But I had a quite joyful experience. Because so did I. I had a really great experience with it.

6:29Yeah, and Posh and I had a great partnership, and I wanted to go in there and work. Also, you know, the timing of it happened right after my dad had passed. And my dad said if I end up doing that show, he wanted to fly over to see me dance because he missed me dancing so much. so for me I was in a space of like like this is a gift I just want to like I just want to dance you know and learn this and so that's the headspace I was in wow and so I really I felt it quite you know it's quite meaningful to me to be on that show and I had a great partner and we did a lot of amazing things yeah I do it's interesting because I spoke to someone else about it but my experience was pretty amazing with it and I actually admire the sort of hard work that those dancers but i didn't realize and you probably knew already because the dolls but um becoming a professional dancer it is like the hardest thing in the world to compete and keep going from the age of like 11 and keep turning up i loved it did you really oh my god because it was like it was like in my bones i'm dancing to me was just like like i could escape and go to another realm and another planet i felt like i could just get inside of the music i i just loved it so much so i i liked the hard work growing up because i wanted to excel i wanted to get better at the craft that i felt so passionate about i want ever do you ever do you ever have moments where have you ever done this and be honest with me have you ever gone onto youtube oh god and watched your strictly dance before by yourself okay i okay so i hadn't for like for a while because i was like i can't do it because no but then i had a few glasses of vino when i got real new york there i had a glass of vino and um i was showing i didn't show my boyfriend you know a few of the a few of the tricks i was doing a few wait you're gonna watch this one like baby you're gonna love this one look at this yeah that's just that's a girl right there oh god no and then there's someone's like You can't watch.

8:32I was a troll. Remember my Charleston troll one? Oh, sweet Jesus. I did one with the jive. It looked like I was starting a motorbike.

8:45What were you meant to be looking like? Were you meant to be starting a motorbike? No, I was doing... Oh, your drive moves. When I did the... I don't know if anyone knows, at least the jive is where you sort of pump your leg down and flick it up. Every time I pumped up, I was... He was jiving. I was eating up that jive. Yeah, you were. Oh, yeah.

9:13Before we begin, I want to do some breath work with you. Oh, you want to start off right at the bat? Yeah, 100%. Okay, can we stand or do you want to do something sitting? We have to do sitting, I think. Okay, so... But why don't you explain why we're going to do breath work? Well, I mean, I'm coming out with a book. Let's go. Come on. which is wild i mean me yeah a book yeah if you went back in time and i was in high school sitting there daydreaming not being able to pay attention they were like you can have a book one day i'd be like yeah all right guys uh anyways yeah i mean this is something i'm super passionate about that's helped me so much and i want to share it when when when they said we want you to write a book about breath work were you like did you say breath work or was that did you pitch it or how it work?

9:58It was like a gift, honestly. I mean, I've been doing this stuff for years, but just as something I've done that makes me feel good. And I kind of got prescribed it by a doctor when I did some blood work. They were like, the way the system's going here, you can get stressed out quite easily. And I was like, okay. They're like, you should really try breath work. I was like, well, funny enough, I'm already doing it, but I just made it more than a priority. and um for my nervous system like i call it going back to home i'm like when i start doing it and after a few minutes i'm like oh god i feel like my mind that is mostly running at a thousand miles an hour same same monkey mind i mean there's a circus yes chimes drums flutes it's all going down and when i do this stuff like my mind just goes it just clears and i feel like i'm like oh there There I am.

10:46You swear to me. There I am. You swear to me that happens. I swear to you. Yes. And listen, like, you know, I don't walk around for the rest of the entire day like that. But even like those few minutes moments as I'm walking out of class and I'm walking home, because my class I go to is in walking distance, which is epic. I am like the most hopeful, positive person. I'm like, I can do this. Yeah, I can make that happen. It gives me goosebumps. where normally I'm like, nah, probably not. It's not going to happen. Not quite sure. It's just all the things are going off in the brain. And when I do this, I'm like, it just brings up, I mean, and there's actual science behind it.

11:25I thought I was just drinking the Kool-Aid. I'm like, this just feels great. Feels freaking great. I like it. I'll have some more. And you know what? It's free. It's fucking free. It's free, dude. It's free. You just can do it anywhere. Even in the car. because honey, you know, these streets be crazy out here. And you get those drivers that love the brake and the honking of the horns. And I was like, I'm going to talk about breath work. And I'm stressed right now on the way here. So I was like, okay, use your tools. I mean, he probably thinks I'm an absolute weirdo in the back of the car. I was like, I'm doing all this good stuff.

11:58Should we do it? Should we do it together? Yeah, I'm trying to think what we should do. Can we do like a minute one or two? And then we get the listeners. So if you're listening right now and you're listening to this and maybe you're on a run or maybe you're, I don't know, if you're driving, maybe don't do this. No, I wouldn't do it driving. Don't do it. You probably should focus on the road. Focus on the road. But if you're feeling a bit stressed, okay, let's just take a moment to do this and you can lead it. Here we go. Yeah. Well, there's a few ones you can do. I mean, I love the breath of joy, but we'd have to stand for that.

12:21So what we could do sitting, I could do the conscious breath, a two-part breath. Love this. Okay. So sit in a comfortable position. You usually want a straight spine. Okay. And then put one hand on your belly and one hand on your heart, on your chest. And then you're going to take a deep inhale. Sorry. you can take an inhale to the belly, inhale to the chest, and then exhale at the nose. So belly, chest, nose.

12:53Keep going.

12:59Belly, chest, nose. Do that about five or six times and then just sit with it for a second. with your eyes closed. You'll feel a little tingling sensation, a little buzzy sensation. And really what's happening is you're creating your own endorphins, which is freaking awesome. So imagine doing that. I mean, you can start off with a few, but you want to get up to about two minutes if you can. And two minutes is where the real serious shift happens. There's this nerve attached from the brain to the gut called the vagus nerve. I've heard of it. Yeah. I joked that I was like used to be hanging on the Vegas strip.

13:35Now I'm with a Vegas nerve. I like it. I thought of that myself. Dude, that is good. That is, I hope that's in the book. It is in the book. Let's go. It is in the book. Let's go. Pat and that stuff. And yeah, it's by stimulating that, we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which is the part of the nervous system that says it's time to chill out. It's, I call it like the heart space, the love space. So most of the time, we're sort of in the fear, doubt, concerned. I mean, which is quite normal. Always. In this world that we live in. But yeah, by activating the parasympathetic nervous system, we feel more chill.

14:12We feel more calm. And the more you do that, the stronger that comes. I heard that apparently we take something like, we're meant to take something crazy like 18 ,000 breaths a day. And we take something like 45 ,000 breaths a day. Yeah, it's outrageous. So we're... Yeah, we're stressed. Hyperventilating the whole time. We're stressed. We're shallow breathers, most of us. Yeah. And so... They say that you're supposed to take about six breaths per minute. Get out of here. That's challenging. But the thing is, well, this is it. Like we're so, we're constantly just in our chest when really we need to be down here in the diaphragm using the full capacity of the lungs to really get all the oxygen that we need.

14:47Look at me acting like I'm a doctor. No, but you are. A scientist over here. But I can also feel it on you. Do you know what's amazing? I can feel it on you. Can you? Yeah, dude, like 100%. When someone, yeah, I swear to God. And like I've been told the whole time, and I reckon so many people in this room, meditate, breathe. You should do that. And we all go, I don't have time. I don't have time. Someone very wise said to me once, the moment you say you don't have time to meditate or do breath work is the time that you need to do it. Exactly. We got to prioritize these things. Without a doubt.

15:15And honestly, if you even do this for like three to five minutes, there'll be, you know, a bit of a shift. You'll feel better. But then imagine if you do it for like, I mean, gosh, I go for a long time because I love it. And I take like an hour and a half class, which you should come with me sometimes. No, you don't. I do. Oh, my God. Jamie, when I leave that class, I am floating. I'm just like, yeah, we all right. Everything is going to be okay. And just to have that perspective shift for that moment of time, that walk home. Like, you think, that shift in perspective, how will that change then the way you operate in life, right?

15:48It's like, for an example, I have a gorgeous friend of mine that I love and adore. but like sometimes I get triggered a bit by her. And if I take a second, then my response to that is different than what it would have been if I was stressed or triggered. I mean, just by that changes the direction that your life will unfold. That's so funny. I have a real issue at the moment where I am so reactive. Man, like, yeah, but I'm not like, okay. I'm very truthful on the show. So I'll be very truthful with you, right? And then return, you hit me straight back with truthful things. So my wife is pregnant.

16:22it's amazing it's the best thing in the world but what i'm not good at quite at the moment is a lot of things going on with her right yeah and so she can fire stuff at me with like maybe just anger irritation it's not really aimed at me but i react badly okay because i think i'm i'm obviously clearly highly strong or stressed at the moment yeah and i need that thing to keep me level balanced yeah that's it what we say with uh with the breathwork stuff is you go back into a neutral state so that's where you sort of want to exist i mean as most as much as you can which is tricky in this day and age but if you do more of this kind of practice stuff then that more like i call it my bounce back because i can get stressed really easily i can get you know anxiety can kick in which people might not necessarily realize i mean my boyfriend says he's like i don't think people people know this side of you because like on the gram or you know in the world i'm like we but inside I'm like holy shit I'm the same yeah and I am stressed out and so by doing this more I feel like there's more moments where I go back into a neutral state or a more positive state how does it shift the perspective so when you're you go to your class you do your breath what happens when you go through that process you're you're you're feeling all these emotions you're feeling stress you go into your your breath work and then what happens afterwards so even through some of the exercises i think because i've done it so long it can happen quite quickly because i've been consistent with it but for me how to explain it to somebody who might just be getting into it is you know when you just i mean it's you feel just sort of like high but also really relaxed, calm, more positive.

18:04You feel, um, more peaceful, more like solution orientated. Like sometimes I'll go in with an intention of like, Oh, maybe I'll try and find like a solution to what I've been sort of worrying about. Cause worry is my natural state. And by the end of that, I'm like, you know, okay. Yeah, I've got it figured out. And this is a solution that might happen it's just like you go back into a state where things are a bit easier to handle and manage and figure out i went to this therapy once right emdr i don't know if you emdr emdr man yeah bilateral it's bio bilateral movement correct it's the most powerful thing i've ever done it's fantastic it is and i've spoken about it before in this but for anyone who's just tuning in it's this incredible therapy that helps with like trauma and different things and it's done through rapid eye movement.

18:53Yeah. So I held these two vibrating things. Oh, hey. Yeah, hello. I held them real tight. And through this emotional vibrating and you think about whatever moments you want to think about or you do it through eye movement, you process this sort of trauma experience you had. And then afterwards you go to your safe space where you do your tapping, where you tap either arm or you tap your legs, whatever. And it brings your whole emotions and your calmness down. It's insane. Yeah. And the thing which I just find so wild is that there's so much Western medicine out there. Go and take a pill to make you calmer.

19:28Go and take a pill to make you feel better. Go and take a pill to do this. But actually the sort of cheapest things in life, doing breathwork, going on a run, eating healthy, connecting with friends, that's what really helps us. Well, this is it. It's just a reminder, I guess. If breathwork's not your thing, I mean, it's definitely my thing. And I do feel like so many people could benefit so much from doing it. But it's just a reminder to do more things that make you feel good, right? That bring you more joy. Because life gets so hectic, right? And we get so like in our worlds. But it's important to take some time for yourself.

20:00What was the moment when you, when did you first start Breathwork? Right. This is so like an eat, pray, love story. Basically. I can't wait. I was living in Notting Hill, right? Yeah. And I mean, I just felt lost. I was like, I didn't know what was going on, what the next step was. I was over in another country, missing my family. Anxious? Yeah, I mean, always. Yeah, yeah. And I knew of this guy named Mastin Kipp. He was a speaker, life coach kind of thing. He had spoken with Oprah. So I was like, ooh, him, okay, what's he doing? And he had this retreat in Bali. And it was quite expensive. And I was like, I don't know.

20:38But I was like, you know, I want to do something. I feel like I need something. So I booked a flight, was there, and it was 12 days. no cell phone no laptop no you know complete uh digital detox yeah it was vegetarian food we walked outside in the rice field and i didn't under i didn't know this at the time but he was like after each lesson we're then gonna have kundalini yoga and i was like i don't know what that is but i like yoga all right cool i'll try it you know fuck it let's go let's go and do And I was just like, what is this? Because I haven't felt this relaxed and calm and sort of connected to myself.

21:19I can't even remember when. And I left there being like, this stuff's quite magical. And again, thinking maybe I'm drinking the Kool-Aid. So I kind of was doing classes here and there. And that was probably seven years ago. Wow. And then when I met that doctor and she was telling me sort of the makeup of my body and she was like prescribing it to me. I was like, well, I've already actually been doing this and I really like it. So I then committed that year to do it once a week, every week for like three years. And then I did a 200 hour course the beginning of last year. Your eyeballs. 200 hour course?

21:53Yeah, I mean, that's a lot of breathing, but it was also some teachings as well. And afterwards is when this opportunity to do the book came in. It was like a gift. And I was like, I can't write that. No, I don't, but through the process. You can. And like I said before, I want you, because I can feel it on you. And when anyone ever talks, I always think. What do you mean when you say that? Because, okay, let me explain that. So when you talk about your family, most people, people talk about their kids or they talk about, you can go for hours about it, right? You can say, oh my God, my kid is like this, my kid.

22:27And you can hear it like mothers and fathers and whatever. They can talk for hours about their kids, right? And if you can relate that to something like a purpose, like a hobby, like a love, like a business. And you can talk so freely about it. You can feel it on you. And I know with you, we could sit here for like an hour, two hours, three hours, and we could just talk about breathwork. And that just kind of really shows the kind of passion that you have behind it. And also not only that, what you're doing with your book is your, it's great because for you, it's cathartic in a way, but also it's going to help others.

22:56And that's kind of the most important thing, right? Yeah. That's what's so... I'm getting emotional, but... That's okay. get emotional with me. I'm in an emotional mood today. Um, yeah, I think I, you know, I was scared to do this book. Like, I'm like, who am I to write a book? Right. But, but why do you have that imposter syndrome? Because I wasn't academically, you know, I wasn't like a person in school that was like getting good grades. I was in the clouds, you know, I was off in another land. I was choreographing things. I was coming up with outfits. I was singing songs and to like write a book.

23:29I was like, I just don't think I can do this. and I didn't have enough confidence in myself. But through the process, again, like you said, it was cathartic and healing because this is also the most personal I've been. Publicly, I speak about stuff that's gone on throughout my life, but then also how this practice has helped me. And I think that's what makes me emotional is because it's helped me a lot. And what is happening? It's okay. It's the room. It's the room. It's the room. Actually, but it's okay. But listen, honestly, let it out. Because I, okay, I... I've cried and got emotional in this so much.

24:04And it's obviously inside of you, right? So just let it out because it feels great to let these things out. Can I tell you a story? Please. Tell me everything. Offload on me. I sent my mom the PDF of the book, right? And of course she's my mom, so she's going to be supportive and loving and everything. But she just had the most beautiful things to say about it. And also my stepfather has had a bit of health issues going on. And she was like, Ash, because I was reading this, his heart rate was going, you know, really, really extreme, really, really high. And she sat him down and she's like, okay, I'm going to go through some of Ash's exercises that are in these books, in this book and got his heart rate down to a resting state.

24:42Yeah. And because they were going to take him to the ER and she was like, Ash, you know, you're already impacting people and helping people. And it like, it just hit me. And I, that's, I don't know. Cause this stuff has just been, it's good shit. Yeah. And I want more people to do it. When you realize, when I say something like that, when I say you're actually going to help people, why does that make you feel emotional? I don't know, because that would be awesome. And I don't honestly know. I didn't expect to get emotional, but that would just give it, it gives a purpose to everything as well.

25:21You know, when you go through things and you find something that makes you feel better, and it can possibly help others. It's like, that's pretty fucking cool. Yeah. I, um, no, because this is amazing. I know I'm getting so hot because I don't normally get as vulnerable with stuff, but you know what? Don't wait. I'll be vulnerable with you for a second. So when I, I don't know if you saw, I went on a run recently. I saw you went on a run and that was so powerful. I keep talking about it. So I need to shut up about it soon. No, I loved it. But the reason why I got so emotional on that run, right, is because all of our lives, everyone in here, right, including you, we all have our boulder and all have our emotions that we're masking, we're pushing up a hill the whole time.

26:09And we never really know what each of us are going through. And some are supposedly worse than others, but it's our own experience that we go through. And, you know, I spoke a lot about anxiety. And I can never express to someone the anxiety that I went through that was just so awful. But doing the run and realizing that what I was doing was actually helping other people. Yeah. Man, that's what was getting me emotional each time. Right. Because we worry so much about ourselves always. And then when we realize we're helping, that is just an incredible thing. It is. It's amazing. It is. And like you said, we don't always share the battles that go on internally.

26:48but, you know, they're going off. So I think that if there's others out there that are possibly suffering from stress and anxiety and an overactive mind, like this is something that could really possibly help you.

27:09What personal things do you open up in the book? Um, well, you know, I lost my father to suicide, which was really challenging and really difficult. My brother has his own struggles as well with mental health. They're quite severe. You know, I've lost several loved ones over the last couple of years as well. And that's been tough. Also, you know, I've struggled with sleep and I've had a struggle with that for most of my entire life. Again, you know, some of the stress and anxiety that I definitely bring on myself probably. Life could probably be a bit more simpler than I tend to make it. Yeah.

27:55And so I open up a bit more about some stuff that's gone on within my home and my household and my upbringing and how this has sort of helped me move some of that around, right? Because grief and loss is stuff like it sticks within the body. And so I feel like when I'm doing some of this work that I can feel things releasing do you know what I think I like I think we're buddies right and like I really whenever I'm with you and I think other people say the same you you give off this kind of real light and positive and you make people feel great you really do and I think that's what is so interesting as you said is that you give off this sort of positive, sunny self, but actually you had this really tough time and life has not been easy.

28:43Yeah. I mean, listen, I'm not alone. You know, this is the thing is so many of us, we go through so much. Being human is tough. You know, life is tough and nobody gives you a little handbook of like how to handle everything. So we try our best, but there are at least some tools out there that can help you. And I think, you know, growing up dancing, I didn't even quite realize, but probably all that movement and that music, I was, I mean, no wonder it was, it was my best friend. It was my escape. It was my meditation. It was my everything, my passion, my love. And once that stopped, you know, I had a big sort of like moment of like, oh God, okay, wait, what, what do I do with all this now that's existing?

29:25And I hadn't processed anything. And I just went on a real journey of trying to find things that could help me you know figure out what was going on internally it if i was a therapist right and i was thinking about it you you always go back to like the childhood and you understand what happens there yeah so what was childhood like sorry you don't have to answer these things you can go but it's but i think what do you know the reason i asked this right is that you you've written this book that is going to help so many people and i really feel that i really feel like it is and for people to read it and get it and understand those things, it's going to relate to so many people out there.

30:05Well, let's start first with the positives because, you know, my dad was a lover of music, a drummer, a percussionist, a goofball, a big kid. I mean, he built like a two-story platform just so we could jump off of it onto the trampoline, you know, like, oh, let's build a basketball course. We can play basketball like out of cement, you know, whatever. So there was this really fun, vibrant side. But then, you know, he had his, he had his struggles and those struggles, I think just got the best of them. But living in that environment of sort of, what am I going to get? It was, um, was tricky and challenging.

30:44And I think, you know, when it causes a dysregulated nervous system for sure at a young age, and then, you know, it starts manifesting in the kind of relationships that you have, um maybe the way you speak about yourself to yourself you know and so many it kind of um yeah sort of uh sets the tone of of life a bit but then luckily thank god i did have my dancing and my creative outlet and a passion that led me you know so many people don't have that so i'm grateful for that that at least i had that space but your dad was in a very famous band oh god i can hear him now being like girl so he can you really no because he he okay so he dated mama casa's sister from the mamas and the papas so he drummed in and out of the band but he wasn't the full-time drummer uh he ended up because apparently they wanted to go on the road and he didn't want to go travel overseas so he stayed in arizona and met my mom and the rest is history but he had his own band thornhill that they toured all throughout the u.s but i mean music was being played in my household morning, noon, and night.

31:53Amazing. Yeah, which was epic. And he was so creative and so artistic. And yeah, you know, but he had his battles like we all do. But, you know, I just, I do wish that there was more tools out there, especially for that generation, right? I mean, at least now we're talking about it a bit more. Yeah, we're talking about it so much, and especially with men. Yeah. You know, and you did mention because in 2018, he took his own life, right? Yeah. I'm so sorry that that happened. Like, that's just, I mean, I'm so sorry. Thanks. Yeah. You know, it's people that go through suicide. It's a tricky one to wrap your head around and understand.

32:42So, yeah, it's tough. But his, you know, the gifts that he's given me still live through me now. you know I still whenever I hear music like I'm connected to him so you know as much as it was hard he I don't want to like I want to paint him in a way that was special because you know you look at certain people out there that that have taken that route that just brought so much light to the world you know and you just don't realize that the struggles are going on underneath what struggles are going on underneath. No, I know. And, and you should paint him in this amazing, beautiful light, right? Because that's the most important thing to do.

33:27And I have this big thing at the moment, which is where there are so many people out there who keep saying, oh, we got to get over the stigma of mental health. We got to do this about mental health. But actually what is far more powerful is saying, you know, um, I know someone close to me who's, you know, taken their life or I've been through anxiety, I've been through depression, whatever it is. And labeling ourselves much more than just saying it as sort of a blanket thing. Yeah. That's really powerful because then people go, oh my God, that person, especially people in the public eye doing it.

33:54I think it's so important. Yeah, this is it. And I think, I mean, high five to us first because it's scary to also. But why are you scared about talking about it? Because I can feel that you, you, you. Yeah. I feel more comfortable in the space that I've been presenting for so many years, right? I've been in this industry a while now. I've been in the Pusscat Dolls and then, you know, maybe hosting and presenting different shows or on panel. And I like, I enjoy giving out joy and being a bit sassy and having a bit of fun like that. That's what I want to give out to the world. but also by sharing the vulnerability of and being vulnerable sorry of because see I'm already getting like it's hard for me to speak about this stuff because I don't really speak about it especially publicly I mean my very close group of friends know how I operate but are you a trusting person oh um it takes me a while to let people in fully like you know I'm very because you're so open and amazing and I want people to feel that I want people to feel safe within my space and that I'm you know I'm with them and that that this is a safe space but as far as like the people that really know me is quite a close tight circle when you think of your dad what's an overriding emotion or thought you connect to him oh god music I mean just that's it that's the thing is like I know it was it was really tough to go through what happened but also like the memories of my dad drumming any anywhere I mean the steering wheel like was always you know everything was a drum kit like and and then again he was such a big kid like if there was four-wheelers if there was jet skis if there was like a tree we could climb or like he on the back of the truck he'd get a rope with like a sled and then like just pull me from the truck in the snow you know it's always an adventure and that's the part that I really like to keep with me you know um because the struggles I just don't think he had the tools I don't think he do you understand that as a kid though yeah I did wow I did as a kid that's why that's incredibly self-aware my mom thought I was a pretty strange kid yeah because I feel like I role within the family and that the cycles were going to break with me and that um yeah that he just was uh I looked at him as a as a little kid that was just that went through a lot and um didn't have the tools to to work through it all and you knew this at what age what age would you become aware since I can remember since I started experiencing certain episodes and stuff with him I just, I mean, don't get me wrong, it extremely affected me.

36:44Of course it did. But I was very aware that, like, I was coming in, I'm getting really deep here, but I was aware that I was coming in to the world to break the cycle of what was going on throughout my family. Really? Yeah. Wow. That's incredibly powerful. Yeah, yeah. Well, I just, that's what I felt. What is your mom like? Ooh, my mama. mama pegs we call her mama mama mama p she is oh i love that woman she's a gem thank god for mama p thank god for mama p you know what we actually have gotten closer i think over the last few years then because even though you know we talk about my dad a lot but i was i was close to my dad you know because we had so much in common with music and um dad's your heroes right yeah yeah where Like my mom and I, I've really, like the last couple of years, we've been going on mother-daughter like holidays, spending really proper, like proper quality time together.

37:45And she just, she just wants the best. You know, she's just a ball of light and she's just a beautiful human. So I love her dearly. Must be strong. Yeah. She, yeah. That woman been through a lot. That woman has been through a lot. and she's still such a queen so yeah it's amazing it's true as we get older you know we um especially as I like step into sort of this world of like you know hopefully touch with all being well ha that I'm gonna be a dad right yes which is just crazy my god man it's crazy um you suddenly realize like I'm suddenly like realizing like what my parents did fuck for me right new perspective That is mad.

38:36Like, like everything from the emotional stress to the financial stress to, and you know, my mom went through and my parents went through a divorce. And then my mom had to like, make sure everything was all happy when she was dealing with a breakup. And right. And you just don't and you know, your mom going through something, you know, so many awful things and so many hard things, but then still trying to keep it together. Yeah, this is it. I know. Honestly, So we need a badge of honor. They really do. I haven't quite had that perspective yet, but I give her praise for just being able to handle it in grace.

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40:55You were in the Pussycat Dolls, right? And when you went into the Dolls, right? And which was just, I mean, man. Frick, what a, that was a group. That was a group. It was a moment. That was a group. Man, I remember every single boy in my whole school, all 850 of them, were watching every video that ever came out. Why was that? Just because we really liked. You loved the songs. We liked the songs. We liked the choreography. We just wanted to understand that. It was just... Couldn't keep our eyes away from it. Yeah, we had some fits. But when you joined the dolls and they had so much success, was there a brief period where you thought, I'm healed?

41:45No. No, you didn't. Within the dolls? Yeah, because in terms of like... How do I explain this? Let me explain it better. Yeah. When you have struggles in life, right? right we think there are going to be things outside things that are going to cure it okay if I get that job yeah that's going to make me feel better if I go out with that person it's going to make me feel better if I do that and joining something like the dolls with the stardom and the things and the validation that was there moments where you're like oh my god I feel feel like I'm here or did you feel completely lost during that period well listen it's a different time now what we speak about within mental health and having awareness of everything like we didn't have back then.

42:22I was just going, I was just on like the road of like A to B to C. So I didn't even realize I needed to be healed. It was just like, okay, this, you know, all that existed within my family dynamic and growing up, but also that's just what it was. I didn't quite realize like, oh, I could maybe find some tools that would help me understand what is going on or have a mentor or a therapist or whatever it may be. I just, I just was going, I was on the the road to like just one foot in front of the other, which led me, you know, listen, I think that also the way that my life was structured also gave me my drive and there's, there's positives that came out of it.

42:59And being a part of the dolls was, we were a thousand miles an hour. There wasn't time to think. So it wasn't until I think, you know, which we had spoken about in the past that my body started kind of shutting down that I was like, Oh, okay, wait, Maybe we're going a little too long, too hard, too fast. You did something, you did a European tour and you did something like 200 dates or something crazy like that. That was something wild. Yeah, we were in like three different countries in one day at one point. It was nuts. And again, nobody spoke about like their mental health or how they were feeling.

43:32No one said anything. No one said anything. No. I mean, yeah, it wasn't until I was like in the hospital. They were like, you probably should take a little moment and just stop for a little second. but explain that moment to me so you were you were going you were going you were going you were going and then what happened uh well several things i mean one i ended up in the hospital like they thought i was having a brain aneurysm and then i got viral arthritis because i because while i was in the hospital which actually was in london and we spoke about this on your other podcast but i um i was ready to get back on the plane you know i was like no i need to go to Germany we've got a show to do so that was my mentality you know just like go go go give me what I need and let's let's get the show moving and the show must go on right so showbiz.

44:22Because that's what you're driven. Yeah yeah of course. Driven to think all the time. Yeah yeah like we've got a show to do I got to be in Germany let's go and they were like I think you need to just rest for a little bit I was like no no no no they're like well we need to give you an MRI because we think you're having a brain aneurysm so as I was on my way to get the MRI my knee locked up and I ended up getting viral arthritis in the hospital. So I couldn't even walk. And I mean, yeah, so I did have to take a moment. But then, you know, when I also left the dolls, I had shingles across my face.

44:50I had eczema all over my entire body. I mean, yeah, I talk about this in the book, but it, um, there was this acupuncturist that I was going to. She's like, well, if you don't scream, your body's going to scream for you. Right? Like it has to go somewhere. Your body betrays what the soul feels. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So So I think if I would have had breath work, then maybe I would have been able to sort of, you know, help myself out a bit. But that wasn't the case. How trapped were you within your body? I mean, we're all sort of trapped in there, aren't we? But emotionally, when you don't feel like there's an outlet, you're right, the body does start screaming.

45:27That's a great way that that person put it. Well, I mean, you know, a lot of the times when you're in an environment, you're sort of holding things in, right? The anger, you're not necessarily yelling at that person or getting mad. You're almost like containing it. And then the vessel's like, ah! You know what I mean? It's got to go somewhere. So it ends up manifesting into shingles or whatever it may be. Or maybe you get sick. Or your body eventually is like, we'll tell you, it's time to slow down.

45:57I've done a lot of therapy, right? And I started doing therapy when I was about 27 years old. And I suddenly started to realize a lot of things. I thought I was going to get to the age of like 30 and someone's going to open a door and go come on here here are all the secrets and I was like brilliant I can't wait for that I can't wait to find that out and then 30 I was like fuck everyone is guessing everyone doesn't really know what's going on this is everyone's first no one's had a dress rehearsal no I know this is it that was a scary moment I think Riri said like fake it till you make it like it's just and it's such a sort of cheesy line, but it's true.

46:35Like none of us have it figured out. We're all trying. But at least I think, again, like with doing this book and sharing it is I want people to be open to trying new things that could help them feel better and help calm down, you know, because anybody, even if you don't have high stress levels and a lot of anxiety, like this kind of stuff will help you just feel good. Do you think being positive is a coping mechanism or a defense mechanism? oh that's a good might be a bit of both you know because i have that as well i love the i love being positive i really like that and when actually when i had this in relationships in the past when i was in relationships and people were being negative i didn't like i couldn't handle it couldn't can't handle that can't handle that don't bring that in here and that wasn't so good so it wouldn't allow other people to express their emotions in a relationship that well because I didn't want that space.

47:30I'd rather deny that. Interesting. Not like you mean even at all? At all, yeah. Oh, wow. I never, ever liked it. I never liked it. Interesting. I wonder what that is. And so then when I started doing therapy, I started to understand like how you can open up and understand these different emotions. And then I started to be able to accept negative emotion and realizing that actually being positive all the time, you don't have to be that. You don't have to be all this height and stuff the time but actually being still and feeling the emotions is a good thing yeah there was this study actually that like there was a high percentage of people that would rather get electric shock than sit with their own emotions what yeah i mean then and the percentage was like extremely high so i think that just goes to show yeah i mean it you know it's not necessarily fun but that's sort of how you get through it on the other side and get growth and evolution within yourself being positive is a great thing right totally but too much of anything is probably too much do you know when i um when i spoke about my darker times which i never had done really before and i'd opened up about like the way that i felt and things like that it was so good to share because it made everyone perceive me differently and they realized that there were there were different sides to it yeah and I almost feel like this book that you're doing is going to do that for you as well where you show every side of yourself and that authenticity that is coming out is that is what's powerful well you know I feel like it's interesting you and I right because like you said when you see me I give off light and you're the same way like when you're in that when I come into your presence I know I'm going to get like a burst of joy.

49:13But also you were very inspiring to me going on that run and being vulnerable within that. I'm serious. Cause I was like, look like, wow, like he's really opening up right now. And I was in the midst of writing this book and I was like, okay, like it's time, it's time to sort of be a full human, right? Cause we're not all just one thing. We're so complex. And yeah, I feel like there's, I feel like I'm kind of maybe growing up a bit as well, just to be able to share all this, but you were a big inspiration for me during that. And the thing is, is I still look at you as this big ball of joy, you know, even though...

49:52Same to you. You know what I mean? So you haven't lost that sparkle, if anything, is probably brighter and reaching more people. Dude, this is a really annoying question. I actually kind of hate it when people ask these things, but I'm going to ask you because... Oh, God. Well, because I think it's only because I'm on that path and I've heard you speak about it. We always talk about with, there's this silly analogy that people talk about where women get concerned when they think about having kids, right? As they start to get older. Would you at some point want to have kids? Well, I do open up a bit about this in the book.

50:27It has really never been a priority to me. Even as a young kid, I told my mom, I'm like, I don't think I want kids. I don't really care if I get married. It wasn't like I was the girl planning the wedding and seeing the whole like, you know, white picket fence and all that. So and I kind of kept thinking, well, maybe when I get older, that will shift. And I'm like, has it really shifted? So, again, I mean, who knows? You know, every day I think we got to allow ourselves to exist in the possibility of waking up the next day and feeling different. although, you know, as a woman, we've got our biological clocks.

51:04But again, going back to… But isn't it funny, just quickly, that it's so interesting that when… Because it's so funny. There's certain things in life which I find bizarre. Yeah. If you said to me, do you drink? And I went, no, I don't drink. Especially in English culture, they go, huh. And I'm not a murderer. I just like, I just don't drink. And I think it's sort of the same in life with kids. When someone says, do you want to have kids? And you go, well, I don't. People tend to go, huh? What? I know, right? Well, but you're meant to. That's what you're meant to do. And actually, there's no right or wrong way to do life.

51:40I mean, I'm going to say two things. One, I told you I was going to break the cycle. So there's that. Two, I love fluffy babies. I mean, like I could have like a load of dogs and be in heaven. So I think I might just have a little fur family and be so right with that. I mean, and that's how I feel now. Who knows? later down the road is 2025. There's all kinds of ways, but that, you know, that I, I could just have a fur family and be like happy as a pig and you know what? Pig and shit. Pig and shit. I heard that you said, I want to spend my money on traveling because that's my love language. That's my love language.

52:21Oh my God. Get me on paper. Like you're always on a plane. I was like, yeah, I don't have kids. I spent all my money on traveling because that's what I love to do. And I can do it because I don't have pills. Shimmy shake to me. And do you know what? I swear to God, so many people, so many people, whether they want to agree with you or not, are going, fuck, she's right. She's freaking right. Right? Yeah. Yeah. 100%. 100%. I want to have a margarita with a little cute, you know, man coming over and serving it to me. It sounds fabulous. I don't have to go to the kiddie pool.

52:58what do you um what do you like in a relationship oh what do you like when you're in love yeah well i mean you know there's been many areas of love but i think that this current one i'm in is quite nice it's consistent it's kind it's thoughtful it's romantic it's it's my nervous system and honestly i swear to you jamie it's because i've been doing this work get out of here I swear, because there's just been a shift. Even my friends, my closest friends, I said, you know, I've got my close circle. Like, they were like, Ash, like, you're different. Like, something's different. And when you, again, have a shift in perspective, right, how you operate in life then shows up differently.

53:38And that sort of thing. Because you can react differently? You process things differently? There's more self-awareness of, I mean, also that, you know, I've gotten older, but my boyfriend's, you know, younger than me. And I was like, first of all, I was like, no, we'll have, you know, this is fun, but like not going to go anywhere serious. But actually the kind of human that he is, I was like, oh, that like my nervous system around you is really calm. You're consistent, transparent, just a beautiful human. And I was like, I want to lean into that instead of the other relationships that sparked up something that was probably what was more familiar to me.

54:19as considered love, you know? Did you find in some relationships seem to be hectic and chaotic and dramatic and fiery and you're like, oh, this is what it should be like. This is what a relationship should be like. Oh, yeah. All the chemicals be going off, the bells, the whistles, and you're like, whee! Just rouge flags flowing all over the place. You're like, mm-mm, but you cute. But you cute. Waving that red flag. You're like, go over here. Yeah, go over here. Woo! Doing a parade down the street. And I'm like, yes. You. You. Get out of here. Let's do this. It's so right. Because then when things are like, when someone turns up and they're kind and it feels more still, that doesn't feel as exciting.

55:03But that is, because the way that sometimes our brains work, that calmness and stillness feels boring. But that is what we should be after. Yeah. But in a sense, it's not boring because we laugh and we have a good time. Totally. And we're creative together. And there's so many other beautiful nuggets that come with it. So, yeah. And I honestly am like, when I did lean into him, it was like, well, you know, not physically. Oh, maybe physically. You know, all the leans. I patted myself on the back because I was like. During it? You went. Yeah. I was like. That was good. Yeah. I like it. You like it?

55:40I like it. We like it. And I was like, yes, Chica. You're choosing new things. We liked it. How much younger is he than you? Come on. He's 17 years younger than me. Let's go. Let's go. But look at Bradley Cooper and Gigi Hadid. 20 years, nobody even like bats an island. You think I give a shit? I think it's freaking great. I, in the beginning, was a bit like, ooh, I don't know about this. But again, it was like the kind of person and human that he is where I was like, I've dated loads of guys my age and older and they be acting like 13 year olds. Completely. Emotional intelligence is like of a five year old.

56:26Wow. What do you look for in a relationship? So what do you look for in a person?

56:33Again, like, you know, you want to have a good laugh. I think that's super important. You want to have fun. Because you're so funny. You are so funny. You are so funny. You are. The two of you two. I mean, I just can't. I love you guys so much. Yeah, it's having that playfulness, having a laugh. Again, knowing that you're not going to be judged for how you dress or how you operate in the world or, you know, just being able to be yourself and be fully accepted of that is an awesome space to exist in. And if someone's listening right to this and they are maybe in a relationship that they know isn't right, but they feel stuck how do you get out of that well listen I'm not you know a life coach over here that's that's uh I feel like you are do you yeah I feel like you are um I mean you know sometimes we got to do brave things like let me tell you some of the relationships that I left were not easy ones to walk away from but I knew in my gut it was what was needed to be done and it was tough getting on the other side, but thank God that I did, you know?

57:43And I think if you can find that courage, that bravery within you, listen to that act, you know that it's not right for you, right? And like, come on, like this is such a gift that we're here. Like, how do you want to spend it? And I know we cause a lot of chaos ourselves. So having someone by your side that makes you feel better is important. There's a lot going on. You know, we need a good ride or die, partner in crime. 100%, man. What is the bravest thing you've done? Oh, gosh. You know, I've done a lot of interesting things. I mean, you talk about, I mean, I've danced with snakes and I'm so fearful of those things that that felt pretty brave.

58:27But deeply, what is it? What is the thing that you are just the most proud of yourself? You're like, yeah. Is it this book, you think? I was going to say, currently, it's definitely this book. I mean, honestly, even though it's like, it's ironic because even as I'm talking about something that brings me so much peace and joy and comfort and it's caused me a lot of like of anxiety and stress because I'm opening up about things that I haven't spoken about. And I'm also putting myself out there like, but the passion overrides that so much. So I'm like, all right, Chica, you just got to do this. And this is a thing, like you said, none of us have it figured out.

59:04We're all just trying, you know, and so putting one foot in front of the other, trusting the process and just showing up anyways, even when you feel a bit like, oh, I'm not quite sure if I can do this. Something, you always get something out of it. There's always a lesson. There's always maybe someone you meet. There's an opportunity that might come in that went before by, you know, just taking that step. Feel the fear and do it anyways. I'm so proud of you on that book. Thanks. Really, honestly, because I can feel it on you and it's amazing and incredible. I think it's going to be so cathartic for you to open up.

59:37And the response you're going to get, because I could, as you said, you're fearful going into it because you worry about what people perceive you as and all these different things. I think on the other side, it's going to be the most beautiful experience of your entire life. Thank you for saying that. It will. And I hope it goes to the moon because it deserves to. And I, after speaking today, I cannot wait to read it and get into breath work because it's the one thing that I promised myself I'll do and I haven't done it. You should come to a class with me. I would love to. You and Sophie. I would really love to.

1:00:02Because honestly, it's quite magical. I mean, I think so. Can we make that deal and do that? Okay. Pinky swear. Pinky swear. So I'm going to do it, me and you solo, and we're going to go and do it. Yeah.

1:00:21Okay, here we go. Eight questions. You ready for this? No. Okay, good. What's a saying or phrase that makes you smile or cheers you up? Oh, gosh. You put me on the spot. What? I don't know. What's a good one? I love you. That was so cheesy. That was so cheesy. I love you too. You want a margarita? Oh, yeah. Caliente margarita. Yes. Por favor. Oh, my God. I've just become that meme when you're like, when you say like gracias at a Mexican restaurant, you're like, por favor. Margaritas. Best compliment anyone's ever given you. You just right now, honestly, because again, this is scary territory for me.

1:01:03So for you to say you're proud of me, I appreciate that. What scares you most about yourself? Woo, that I just get in my own way, you know, a lot of the time. And I wish, you know, even with this practice like that, this is why I have to do this kind of stuff because there's so much going on. So yeah, did I answer that? You did, you answered perfectly. That's it, I totally get it. Apart from today, when was the last time you cried and why? Woo. Um, the last time I, yeah, I think writing some of this book has been, you know, a bit emotional. So again, the most personal I've been. So it's been, it's been one of those, yeah, processes where I'm like, Oh, I'm going to say that.

1:01:44Okay. Ouch. Is it like that? And your toes curling, you're just like, okay, I'm writing it. Yeah. And then you read it back because I'm doing the audio book at the moment, which is quite exciting. Um, but as I'm reading it out loud, I'm like, Oh gosh, right. Okay. I'm saying this stuff out loud Be brave It's so important to be I swear to you You're going It's going to be amazing I can I promise you I promise you I appreciate that also Because again You've been so open I was so scared Oh god Do I talk about this Oh god It's just so personal And I haven't even been In this half of what You've been through But I promise you What's something You can't let go of What can I not let go of I've got this I've got a stuffed animal from when I was a kid.

1:02:29His name's Barney. And I mean, if something happened to this stuffed animal, I don't know what I would do. Do I sound like a tit? Do you keep it in the bed with you? Yes! Of course I do. It's been like sewed up so many times. Oh my God. Barney sits in the bed. Yeah. I had something called, I used to have things called silkies. Silkies? Yeah, silkies. What is that? A big silky and little silky. Is that a blanket? It's like a blanket thing. Okay. But then I had to let it go. because that was a grown-up thing to do. Yeah, I had to let it go. Can't be having those silkies in the bed. Oh, my God. I would have killed people for those silkies.

1:03:06What's your guilty pleasure? Oh, God, probably like Real Housewives of Bev Hills or RuPaul's Drag Race. I mean, honestly, I've watched every single season. It's ridiculous. Sophie, watch them over and over. We're back for the fifth time watching Desperate Housewives. For the fifth time. Okay, I haven't gotten into that one. She loved that. she just it's crazy she's pregnant let her do what she needs what turns you off um you know it's interesting what you said like about negative people i feel like that's quite a turn off to me i mean i know like we've got to be real about our feelings but also like i just feel like that negativity can bring you down yeah and you gotta stay hopeful in some capacity always always yeah what turns you on um turns me on you know dancing listening to music being with my friends my chosen family yeah what do you like most about yourself um i mean what like a physical feature yeah anything or it can be anything about yourself um like i said earlier i i hope that i when people are around me that they feel like they're in a safe space they do and that's and that they're seen and that there's a bit of joy that's being spread around so okay Goldie Hawn's like my icon and I feel like she like just exudes like she's the best yeah so I feel like Goldie Hawn's like my um go-to icon okay uh bonus one favorite breathing technique to look for in the book oh my gosh honestly that is like the hardest question ever because I love them and the thing is there's different exercises for different things so if you want like a bit of dopamine hit or if you want a bit of serotonin kind of hit there's different ones and so depending on how I'm feeling um will depend on which exercise I go to but I love breath of fire so I'll go with that one breath of fire breath of fire is a good breath of fire honestly every day honey every day actually amazing I adore you you're the greatest thank you so much thank you for having me Oh my god

1:05:22What an amazing episode Yeah yeah she's the best Bang bang bang That hit every part Fun Emotional Sad There you go Well done Well done to you No I loved it I loved it Also I went to school With a girl called Ashley Roberts And every time I see her name I'm always like I think it's I think it's the Buzzy Hat doll But it could be Ashley from English Shout out Ashley Shout out Ashley we listened we hope you enjoyed the episode if you did please get in touch we want to hear what you think of it what guests we should have next and if you haven't subscribed already please please do it does so many things for us um get in touch with us on instagram at great company podcast or you can send us an email great company at jamper productions.co.uk okay we're going to see you next week for another episode of great company

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1:08:31Get ready for Nearly Parents, your favourite new podcast. Thank you.