BELLE HASSAN: I'm Finally Ready To Tell My Story

0:00Guys, just before we start, we wanted to let you know that this episode contains discussions of suicide and self-harm. Please take care whilst listening to this episode. If you or someone you know is struggling, support is available. Click the show notes for the links. I said I was going to come on the podcast and expose the truth, so here I am. I really struggled in there. Are you doing okay now? Every day is death threats. That's awful, Belle. I'm so sorry. You know, like you don't deserve to be happy and I don't know why in my mind I felt like that. You have mentioned mental health and have anything you've been through.

0:36So we can understand, Belle, what have been your experiences?

0:42Hey, I'm Belle Hassan and I'm in great company. Please welcome Love Island superstar Belle Hassan. I'm going to kick off so the public vote me out. Everybody's playing a game. This house is a mess. One of the girls said to Lucinda, is this real? You've got hold of a phone. What you don't see is... This is so much gossip, by the way. I'm trying to make it make sense. I really struggled this time around with the show. I was asking to leave for weeks. I was going to see a psych. She would kind of assess my triggers. I'd go back into the house, and then all of a sudden I'm placed in a situation where all of the triggers she's just analysed are in front of me.

1:23It feels like you have a little bit of PTSD. I never knew how to speak about my emotions. So how would you express it? With self-harm. It was a really long road for me. And I think when people see this loud, this big hurricane character, I came home and I was like, my body is shutting down, mum. I'm struggling. Do you regret doing it?

1:45Guys, welcome back to another episode of Great Company. Firstly, thank you so much for coming back. And if you're someone new, welcome to the show. Okay. Okay. Today's episode is a big one because we have Belle Hassan on the show. Belle was recently on Love Island All Stars. And if I'm honest, we can say she had a bit of a tricky time on it. She was involved in a lot of the arguments. She was involved in a lot of the drama on the show. And then when she left the show, she also was involved with a lot of online hate, a lot of trolls or people commenting on everything from her attitude on the show, as well as her looks and everything.

2:24And she's had a really tough time during that. Now, this is a really sensitive subject, right? Because I know a lot of people have different opinions. A lot of people have opinions which are probably positive towards Belle, a lot of opinions which are probably not positive. But hopefully, this is an episode that really irons out a lot of different things. Now, before we start, I just want to say two quick things. Really excitingly, Sophie and I have our brand new show streaming on Disney+. Okay, it's called Raising Chelsea, Jamie and Sophie next chapter. It is a year and a half of filming put into these episodes and we are so proud.

2:56It's incredible. It follows us before the birth, the birth of our baby and pregnancy and everything and now life after. It's incredible. It's on Disney Plus. It's launching April the 2nd. April the 2nd. Okay. So you can go and watch it on Disney Plus on April 2nd. You won't be disappointed. It's one for the family. It's everything. So if you go and do that, I would love you forever. The second thing is, if you haven't clicked the follow or subscribe button, it does us wonders. It means we can keep making the show, keep delivering on the guests, keep making the show better and better for you each week because we love doing it.

3:27If you can do that and follow everyone else that's doing it, that would be amazing. This is a really delicate episode with Belle and I really want to thank Belle for taking her time to sit down with me. Okay, here is the episode with Belle Hassan on Great Company. Hi Belle Hello Hi I'm so nervous Why are you nervous? I know Don't be nervous It's going to be great I think we should start with Like being honest with each other right? Yeah So we've never met Yeah When you met me Did you think I was going to be taller or shorter? Do you know what? I'm a giant You're not a giant I'm probably about 6 '1", 6 '2 in these hills So we're similar height Yeah Yeah.

4:10So I was actually really surprised at how tall he was.

4:16How tall are you? Well, look, I have a theory, right? Yeah. That when I don't sleep enough, I shrink. Right. And I think this is true. It's not. It is. I don't sleep. I'm still a giant. You're the opposite then. Yeah. When I don't sleep, I grow. Because when I sleep, I'm taller. Right. But when I don't sleep, I'm a little bit shorter. but I think on like a good day I roll around at like 5 '9". Right. Okay. Well, that's all right. Thanks for that. Love that. Yeah. I love it. Yeah, it's good, right? I love that. My wife is like, so when my wife wears heels, she's taller than me. And then when we could do like a party trick where Sophie could be like, oh, Jamie hasn't arrived for the party yet.

4:58And then I can walk in underneath her legs and I'd be like, no, I'm here. Oh, right. Okay. That's our party trick. We love that. We love it. I wondered where he was going with that then. Do you have a party trick? Do I have a party trick? I feel like they asked me this in the villa and I had one. Oh, I can pit a banana with my toes. I can tie, you know, the cherry stalk with my tongue. And I'm all right at accents. Okay. You're good with accents? I'm okay. Hit me with an Australian one straight up. G'day, mate. How are you? I do prefer like American. Okay, nice. That's probably better for me, but it's very LA.

5:35I used to live there, so. Oh, whereabouts in LA did you live? I don't really know. I was so young. I went to school there. It's like California, LA, Los Angeles, you know, just outside the center. Wait, until how old? I lived there until, it was only for a year. My dad was working there and I lived there, how old was I? About 12? 11, 12? Because your dad's a bit of a legend. Yeah, he is. He's a famous actor. Yeah. And he was in sort of, he's sort of like a gangster sort of movies and things like that. And I remember growing up watching his films and then seeing you then go on Love Island and then seeing who your dad was.

6:21I was like, get out of here. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people were quite excited and everyone was like, how is this man who's quite a hard character let his daughter go on national television on Love Island? And I think he was just like, no sex on telly. Do not do that to me. And I was like, I'm not doing that anyway, because that's not my business. I don't want that. But yeah, that was the one rule. No sex on telly. But other than that, he's been fine. I read that your dad played a part with you getting on Love Island back in 2019. Is that right? Yeah. So what did he say? Explain that to me. So it basically happened, right?

7:00I was with someone, we had a really toxic ending and he cheated on me and it was really bad. And in an argument with him, I was like, you know what? Fuck you, I'm going on Love Island. And he was like, you can't do that. And I was like, you cheated on me. You did this to me. I'm going on Love Island. I meant nothing by it. It was just all me just talking shit. I told my dad about this argument and he called me a couple of weeks later and was like you know you said about doing Love Island I'm actually sat with someone who knows a producer would you do it so I was like yeah all right I'll have the call with him and then they were like yeah we love her I want to get her in but the season had already started so like the earliest we can get her in is Kasia Amor would she do it and I was like oh no I can't do that anyway did I had a great time first time round.

7:54Wait, Bill, but I need that. So hang on a second. You're like, let's just rewind. Let's just rewind. So you were in a relationship for three years. Yeah. In love, loved this person. Yeah. Your first love? Yeah, I would probably say so, yeah. Right, so it's that intense love, right, when we're all young, where you just don't really know where you're turning left, right, up, down. And it's like everything from like fiery to like everything's exaggerated, right? Yeah. He then cheated on you. Yeah. So he went away for work and I got a message, you know, hey girl, just wondering if you're still with so-and-so.

8:31And I'm like, oh, here we go. Seen this one before. So I replied to her. Her friends had photos of them kissing in the club, this and the other. He denied it a lot. It was a lot. And I think I was quite young at the time as well. Didn't really understand about, you know, I think in the last few years, this thing of understanding narcissistic behavior patterns. right has become so popular and so spoken about and people are so open about it so people having narcissistic traits now you can spot them because so many people are talking openly about them at that time I had no idea so like these narcissistic traits that he had I didn't even realize like I didn't even know so I could have spotted the signs before that and didn't like what was he doing that was narcissistic would you say you know he was a little bit controlling like he'd always have a go at me about things going out like if I wore certain clothes he would always tell me that I looked like prostitute sometimes he would say if I had a bit of cleavage out um you know he he was quite aggressive a lot of the time and I kind of bypass that because I'm used to having strong men around me so I'm like oh maybe he's just passionate you know like oh it's fine.

9:45You're making an excuse for it. Yeah. And I think I so desperately wanted to be loved and to love him that I just missed it all. And you know, he would lie a lot. He'd lie all the time about things. He would do something to me and then gaslight me and pretend it never happened. And I used to think I was going mad. And it was only when my mom actually heard it because he didn't realize my mom was in the house. And I was like, oh, my mom went, he's gaslighting you. this is not normal like I heard what he did and now he's lying and saying he didn't do it so you know he'd do a lot of that and I think I went through such a stage of being like I'm the problem it's me I'm I'm a nightmare I'm a problem I'm hard to love no one will love me you know and he used to sort of say things and kind of like subconsciously implement that to me.

10:32How does that relationship affect your self-confidence? I think at the time it massively did now not so much like Like, I think with relationships like that, you learn from them. You grow from them. You understand, okay, hang on a minute. You can't keep sitting here trying to make me feel like I'm unlovable. No, you're the problem. You know, like, we all do things wrong. You know, I'm not a perfect person. I never have been. I never will be. You know, we've all got our issues. And, you know, I'm a bit mad. I do lose my shit. And I'll never hide that because that's who I am. You know, and I think when I left that relationship, it was more the trust issues with other men.

11:17I was like, he lied so much about this whole cheating thing. The way I found out was like an assault course. It was like crazy having to get the truth out. And, you know, it's like it happens. You know, every woman you speak to, probably 99 % have had a toxic relationship or someone make them feel like they're unlovable. But what I learned as I got older is that's just a reflection of how he feels about himself and less about how he feels about me. And it took me a long time to realize that. If we take it back to the beginning, right, you went on Love Island in 2019 and you're known as like Hurricane Bell, right?

11:55This person. And as we found out, right, you see is what you get. And I can vouch for that, right? Like today, you're authentic, you're real, and you're also kind and lovely and warm and all these things, right? So, but we all have our, like, vice, we all do the things we do. Like, some people go introverted, some people laugh, some people cry. We all do our different things. So you're known as Hurricane Bell because you have these emotions. You go into Love Island All Stars, and we, the producers know, you know, maybe the other cast members know that you have this temper. so there's an element perhaps where you know they want to lean into that because it makes great tv and it's exciting and it's fun for a viewer now what i need to say what happens in the villa for anyone who doesn't understand is um you were sort of coupling up with sean yeah and you were felt like you were on a good sort of run together uh you then go to the usa villa within love in uh in the show, you come back and Sean basically says to you that he wanted to couple up with Lucinda.

12:59Yeah. Talk me through that moment and why that was upsetting and why the reaction happened the way it did, just so we understand from your point of view. When we went to USA Villa, me and Sean were in a really good place because we'd been a bit up and down, sort of on and off, and we were in a really good place. And, you know, I wasn't, when we go to USA Villa, you're not allowed to say bye. You literally, they were like, you're going to USA. You're like, get out. That's it. Quickly go. So when I'd come back, so we were there for, I think it was three days. So in the first two days. Which is like a lifetime in a show like that.

13:36Yeah. It feels like seven years. But when I'd got back to, obviously I didn't do anything and I was like, no, I'm going to go back before I explore anything with anyone else. I know we're not closed off, but I want to be respectful. go and have that conversation with him, see what he's saying and that kind of thing. When I go back, I knew that the producers wanted me to have fun and they were like, have fun, have a flirt, do this, you know, like they're like, enjoy it. You're in the USA villa, enjoy it. And this is what we're not seeing as a viewer. Yeah. We're not seeing producers come and say to you.

14:11Have fun, you know, like you have producers on set at all times. So they're like, have fun, go enjoy it, do your thing. And I just couldn't because for me, my respect for Sean, I was like, I just can't. And when I got back, I found out that Sean and Lucinda both had been upset about me and Tommy for two of the days. And on the last day, all of a sudden there was this big change that Lucinda wanted to be with Sean. And I don't know if it was aired or not, but there was a conversation. I think it was between, it was, I think Helena, Sammy and Lucinda. I definitely know Sammy was in that. I'm not sure if Helena was there at this point, but there was definitely a conversation that was had.

14:56And one of the girls said to Lucinda, is this real? Because you know that them two, you know, getting on, they've got feelings for each other and everything's really good. So are you doing this because you're bored or are you doing this because like you really like him? She was like, oh, well, I fancy him. But yeah, like, no, it's not serious. and the girls were like is it really worth upsetting bell for a storyline because let's have it right that's what it is at this point and she was like well yeah like I need to do what I need to do so I'm then assuming I'm like have the production sort of said to her to do that have they not is she just wanting storyline because it's getting boring over there what's going on here you know and just with Sean I just had enough of him he was just pissing me off like he just was on off on off every time I try and talk to someone new he'd come back and then want things to go ahead then when we're together he'd find someone else and I just I think guys are just well I say guys some guys I like that they sort of don't want you but don't you to move on so I think that's where a lot of that come from and you know I've been through a lot of hurt with guys so when I said to him there was a line trust is gone yeah and I was like I've given you nothing but respect and I've been there for you.

16:12You know, there were so many scenes where, you know, when Sean called Scott a bully and I backed him and I stood up for him and, you know, he was crying. He was in a really bad way, Sean. And when we'd go to bed, you know, there were nights where he was crying and he was upset and he was like, I'm really struggling, like, because of my previous experience with Love Island wasn't good. Like, he was so in his head and I was like, just relax. It's fine. You know, I was really there for him. So I felt like he'd sort of betrayed that loyalty we had for each other. And that, yeah, you know, maybe that's a subconscious trigger for me from previous partners.

16:44You know, I have been cheated on. I have been hurt. And, you know, last year when I split up my most recent ex, that was horrendous. The breakup was horrendous. So, yeah, there probably was a lot of triggers that that came out there that I was probably quite unaware that I had. And loyalty and respect is a big thing for you. Yeah. Yeah. Massive. More than anything. Yeah, because because from it and what I want to try and do like, right, is like is like balance it out. Right. because what you're saying there is you're having this authentic, real experience where you're saying, well, hang on a second.

17:15Loyalty and trust is a big thing for me. I'm not going to do that to Sean. I'm not going to do that. But then on the other side, you're watching someone who you perhaps think is playing more of a game. So you're saying, well, hang on, my emotions are being hurt here on the back of just playing a game. But then the argument would be on the other side is, wait, this is an entertainment show. So you have to accept these things are going to happen. Yeah. And I think I was very naive to that, being in there. You know, I went in and was me. I went in and I didn't play a game. And, you know, towards the end of the show, I started understanding, ah, okay, this is what it is.

17:54You know, we'd all move past certain situations. There'd be a game to bring it all back up. So I'm like, okay. You start to understand like, oh, okay. You know, this is, this is what they want. This is what they're looking for. You know, and I definitely, I hold my hands up. I was totally naive to the whole gameplay. And maybe I should have played a game, but then I wouldn't be myself. But viewers really backed you, right? Especially when that thing happened with Sean. And people were sort of saying, you're great, you're amazing. And that's hard because then it then suddenly switches. And so you go from the people's champion to then people saying, well, you are, Like you're being this, whatever they think, want to call the words bully and a hypocrite.

18:40The thing is, with me and Sean, we were in a very good place. But for me, when... It's hard, isn't it? Because how much do you give away about what producers have said and things like that? But with Sean and Lucinda, we were together. We were in a couple. We were happy. Everything was going well. She actually said to me out of her own mouth, where it wouldn't have happened if you didn't leave. So that for me is like, oh, so you'd only do that behind my back. So I didn't like that. You know, that was why I had an issue with her. And also we were in a good place. She knew that. She had multiple opportunities to get to know him when we wasn't in a good place and she didn't want to.

19:20Whereas with me and Scott and the Leanne situation, me, Leanne and Whitney were really close, really close. And when Leanne made the decision to go after Yeaman, me and Whitney were like whoa hold on what the hell what's happened there like we're a trio so when Whitney said you've laid the foundations here every man for themselves we was like okay fine but the production had asked me to go for Scott and I was asking them for a bombshell I was like will you please just put a bombshell in and I knew they wouldn't put a bombshell in until we'd run that storyline. Explain that to me so I understand.

20:00So I was called into the beach hut where we speak to producers and they were like, look, we want you to go after Scott. And I'm like, what do you mean go after Scott? Like me and Scott are friends and they were like, we heard the conversation he had with you on the way over to the USA villa, but we can't air it. You're still miked, but the cameras are not on you because we were traveling over the USA villas on the same plot of land as the main villa. And what was said? And he was like, I want to be with you. I like you. Like, let's just couple up. And I was like, what are you talking about? And I didn't say anything to anyone because obviously I was like, at this point, me and Leanne were still really close.

20:40So I'm like, what are you talking about? And I was like, I'm not even going to say that on camera because you're going to look like mental. Like I'm not, what the hell? So when he said this, I was like, so the producers had called me and gone, we want you to go for that. Like, we think that'd be really good like you and Scott like he's always flirting with you he's always saying things to you and I went you're going to make me look mental I can't I'm not doing it no I was like just put a bombshell in they were like oh well we don't know if we've got any more bombshells coming and I was like oh for god's sake and I think with Scott like you know everyone says he's a game player because he got hold of a phone when he went to the dentist and he started googling you know and the thing is I said I was going to come on the podcast and expose the truth.

21:24So here I am. He did say that. He went to the dentist and he got hold of a phone or he was asking the dentist to Google things for him. He told me this. He told Kieran and he told Helena. And what did he say? He was Googling. He was Googling the football scores. He was Googling the press. So he come in with all this information. So he was basically, football scores, great. Right. But the press, because you see what narrative was happening. Yes. So he basically had looked up who was a favorite at the time. And at the time he said, you was, I was the favorite girl. So he was like, that's why they're trying to run this story.

22:02Because I told Scott and Leanne, I said, listen, production are asking me to go after Scott. I want to let you know that first. Leanne knew this and so did Scott. Wait, and the dentist was before Love Island Villa? I mean, the USA Love Island Villa or after? He went a few times. He went a few times to Dennis. He had, I think it was like a cracked tooth root canal. So he had to keep going back. So, right. So, and hang on, just so I understand. So he, so he sees that you're the favorite at this point. So, so in his eye, in his mind, he's going, well, maybe I should go for Belle because she's the favorite.

22:34Yeah. And therefore that's going to be a good storyline because she's the favorite and I want to be the favorite guy. Yeah. So I think he was very calculated and he knew like if you were vaping out the front, it couldn't be seen. So there was when me and Scott were at the front, vaping, well, I snus, we both snus. And he laid down and he was like, yeah, I'm going to check when I go to the dentist. And I was like, dentist? He was like, what the fuck? So I was like, oh my God, what is going on? And he kept going to me, just give me 48 hours because I need to make the storyline look good so that I don't look mad.

23:06And then what I found out when we left the villa was he grabbed Whitney. This is so much gossip, by the way. I'm trying to make it make sense. No, it's making sense. Trust me. this is making it's just a lot to him and Whitney were were close and he went to Whitney I really like her like genuinely I really like Belle I really like her so it's gone from me being like the production asked me to come for you and he's like oh do you want to run the storyline I'm like no not really but they're not going to put a bombshell in until we run this storyline so like help me out I told Leanne that I told him that and he said to Whitney I really like her like I actually really like her this came after a conversation he had for Harrison when Harrison walked in and he went, who's the favorite girl?

23:45And Harrison went, Belle. So he'd said that to Whitney and Whitney went, well, if you really like her, like just go for her. And he went, I can't, I can't. So he made Whitney have that conversation with him on camera saying, pick Belle. Because he actually, she went, I was trying to help my friend out. Then when, when Harrison come in, he then asked, he said, Belle was a favorite girl. And Harrison went, he then asked me, he went, I really like her, I'm going to make a move. And Harrison went, on who? And he went, Belle. And he went, well, at that point, I really liked you, so I didn't want him going for you, and I know all he cares about is public perception.

24:21So I told him the public just want him and Leanne to be together. He went, that night he went and got in bed and kissed her. So I was like, what? I was like, Harrison, what the hell? He went, well, I wanted to be with you, and I knew if I said that the public wanted you and Scott together, he'd have gone for you and I wanted you. So I'm like, what kind of gameplay is going on in this house? I'm losing it. I was losing it. And then he went and got in bed with Leanne that night and kissed her. And Sammy then explained everything to Leanne. She went, well, I know, look, it's fine. And then, you know, when Harrison come in, we had really good chat.

24:52And I was like, oh, I like him. And the producers wouldn't let me go for it. They wouldn't let him talk to me because they wanted to run this Scott storyline. And I'm like, but why can't I just be happy and move on with someone that I like? Him and Leanne, Scott and Leanne are back on track. I'm happy with that. and they were just sort of trying to push that storyline. I'm like, this is what I said to you. I was so naive at the play in the game. So when it got towards the end, I'm like, everybody's playing a game. This house is a mess. I literally at times felt like I was in a psych world. There was so much going on and I'm like, oh my God, I don't know who to trust.

25:27I don't know where to look. I don't know. I knew Whitney and Sammy were my girls. I knew I could trust them for anything. and then I'm like who's real who isn't what's going on are the producers trying to make me look like I'm mad because when my dad came on that screen I knew I knew why why did you know I just can tell I know my dad and his face I was like oh shit they've done me dirty here what's your relationship like with your dad my relationship with my dad we are the best of friends but we fight like cat and dog like me and my dad are so similar we deal with things in the same way and we do butt heads but he's like my biggest fan he's like my best friend like I can go to him by anything I think as I've got older I've started realizing that actually hang on a minute he's my dad he's my best friend I can tell him anything whereas when I was younger I was like oh god he's gonna have a go at me he's gonna tell me off I don't know why I felt like that but I did.

26:29But yeah, we're close. We're really close. Because we asked your dad to write you a letter. Oh no. Because I think, you know, especially because you've been dealing with a lot, right? But I think it's important for you sometimes to realize that there's a lot of noise that goes on the outside but actually what matters is what's on your inner circle. Yeah. So we asked your dad, and he said this. He said, I just want to say how super proud I am of you, Belzy. Your resilience and your strength is a true credit to you. From the time you were born until now, all you have done is made us proud. You have faced so many challenges in your life, and you have overcome them all from self-harming to mental health problems.

27:18Your strength in believing who you are has always pulled you through. My beautiful princess, keep shining as the time is now yours. You are and always will be an inspiration to young women out there. And as I've witnessed so many women telling me how amazing you are. Ignore the negative and always concentrate and focus on the positive. You've got this. Oh, that's sweet. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, that is really sweet. I mean, I think sometimes because, you know, the reason we're having this conversation today is for lots of reasons, but one of the big things is that you have just come out of Love Under All Stars.

27:59And that is an entertainment show, right? And lots of things happen on it. But you've received a lot of negative comments and a lot of abuse online, which is really hard. And I think it's really important in these situations like this is to remember that a lot of that noise that happens is not always that important. and what you have to focus on is the people that surround you. And look how proud your dad is of you. Yeah, no, I know. Like I said, dad's like my biggest fan. I could do no wrong in his eyes. But for me, I think with the hate, when I come out, I don't care what people think of me.

28:37I'm who I am and the people that understand me, I know they get it because I know they've been through it. So, you know, I can only be me. I can't change, you know. I've done so much healing work on myself and things like that and you know I'll get into that but with the hate and stuff I have struggled a lot with mental health really like through my teenage years and I have people like every day it's death threats it's why can't you just hurry up and die like you've had self-harm problems before just hurry up and kill yourself why will you not just kill yourself I don't get why you wouldn't kill yourself and it's like every day people like I'm not understanding why you won't do it like do you not get it you don't have a career anymore you don't have this you don't have that everyone hates you just die and you know for me reading that even though I've overcome a lot of my battles with mental health that took me back to a place where I was like in that mindset and I have felt

29:41and I have felt like the world would be a better place if I wasn't here. So reading that was quite, I want to say triggering for me. You know, and I get it. You put yourself on a TV show. We all know what we sign up for. But a lot of this is done for entertainment and I think people don't see that. You know, and I'm not a victim. I know who I am. I know what I did. I know what I said. and that's who I am. But for me, I think with the show, what a lot of people didn't see is that the reactive abuse that was going on quite a lot and especially with certain people, they're prodding and prodding and prodding and prodding and doing little things.

30:31And with reactive abusers, often the victim looks like a bully or they look like the aggressor. because people don't always see what they're doing because it's subtle and it's quiet. And then the one that's loudest looks like the aggressor, but it's not. And, you know, there were multiple times where I walked out and was like, I can't do this anymore. I want to go home. I need to leave. This is no good for me. I need to get out of here. You know, they clicked something where Lucinda was following me around. And I'm like, just because you put funny music over the top of that clip and make it a joke online and make it a meme, that doesn't take away from the fact that that's reactive abuse.

31:12You're following me around to get a reaction. You're trying to get that big kickoff. And when I'm saying this to the producers, I did feel like I'm asking for help and you're not helping. I was going to see a psych and I felt like when I see the psych, she would kind of assess my triggers. I'd go back into the house and then all of a sudden I'm placed in a situation where all of the triggers she's just analyzed are in front of me you know so then I'm like I don't know who to trust I completely lost my mind like completely lost it in there but I really struggled this time around with the show well firstly I'm so sorry I'm like um getting that abuse online is just horrendous and yeah um people online don't realize like how much their words stick yeah and words can make a huge impact on someone that's first thing the second thing I want to say is when you're when you're going through that I know you can go to a really dark place yeah but it's really important you just keep moving forward and you keep putting one foot in front of the other and letters like that from your dad show how much you are loved yeah and how much people care about you and how incredible and amazing you are.

32:28And so thank you for being so honest, but also you need to make sure that your, this too shall pass and everything will be okay. And you do know that. Yeah, I know. And I think when I first got my phone back, I looked at a few things and I'm like, how have they made that look like that? You know, like, and I think people, a lot of the thing online is, oh, what should I come out and blame the edit? I'm not blaming the edit. Like I stand by what I did, you know, like I stand by that and I stand by my reactions because I know they're valid. What I don't stand by is how much they missed out. You know, I'm not media trained.

33:04I'm not PR trained. So what you see is what you get, you know, and I think with the whole, this bully narrative, I'm like, how is this? How have we got here? And explain, so I understand. And, you know, your dad said it in the letter. He mentioned and you have mentioned mental health and everything you've been through. So if you could just take me back so we can understand Bell exactly. Because you are Fari Bell and you find it hard to keep your emotions down. And some people would just say, well, why can't you hold your emotions in? Why don't you be more relaxed in certain situations? So what have been your experiences?

33:45The thing is with everyday life, I can leave. I can walk away. If I get myself to a point, everyone gets irritated, they get angry. and in my everyday life, I'd get in my car, put my music on, I'd go for a drive. I don't get to that point in my everyday life. You know, it's very rare that I would get to that point. Because there's an escape. Yeah, and in there, I can't just walk out the front door. Sometimes the front door's locked. Sometimes you can't go outside because they need you to film. You can't walk away from it. You are stuck facing your triggers head on. And, you know, for me, like, as a teenager, I really, really struggled with mental health and...

34:22Depression? Yeah, bad, really bad, you know, and self-harm was a really big thing for me. Like I hated myself. Like I really, like I just hated myself. Like I always felt bad, like, you know, just always I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I was. I always felt like I was really different to other people and people never understood me because I always felt my emotions so deep. and you know like I don't want to hide that like I don't want to be ashamed of that I don't want I don't want people to put me in a box because of that you know like it was really difficult growing up it was like I just I hated it I hated myself I just hated it and And, you know, getting into that self-harming was, it was almost like punishing myself.

35:17You know, it was like, you deserve it. You deserve to feel pain. Like, you're not good enough. You know, you're. It's okay. It's okay, pal.

35:30You know, like, you don't deserve to be happy. And I don't know why in my mind I felt like that. You know, I couldn't tell you that. and you know I just never felt like I deserved to be happy or to feel good and I don't know where that came from you know maybe that's something I've got to figure out but yeah you know it was it was tough and it was a really long road for me like I would get better I would stop doing it then it would start again things would trigger me I never knew how to express my emotions I never knew how to talk about a problem. And I know like when, sorry. It's okay. It was a lot.

36:12Like I'm someone that feels emotions really deeply and I overthink everything. Everything is so deep. Like anytime I talk to someone, it's a deep conversation. I feel things really deeply and I never knew how to speak about my emotions. So when I felt like shit, I would never know how to express that. I would never know how to speak about that. like I would take that out of myself I'd be I don't know how to deal with this and you know I never really understood people would say oh you know the cliche a problem shared is a problem halved and people go oh yeah whatever no no is the truth there's a reason why that's so widely spread because as soon as I learned and I forced myself to talk about a lot of my issues I was like oh how am I letting my mind get to this point what am I doing you know what the hell is going on and And, you know, I had, you know, people online are like chronically telling me I need therapy.

37:04Like I've been to therapy. I have had therapy, you know. And for me, yeah, I do laugh things off. I make a joke of everything that upsets me. I do. Of course I do. Like what am I going to do every day? Sit and cry and, you know, I felt those feelings. You know, I've grown from that. But there were points when, you know, I was younger. I always say to people, I've been through the depths of hell with my own mind. Like I've seen the darkest parts of me and the darkest, the horrible bits that you never want anyone to see. Like I've seen that in myself and, you know, I've worked on them and it's like I've been at that point where I've sat and thought, I don't want to be here anymore.

37:46Like, you know, I'm not worth being here. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to. I just don't want to be here. You know, I think for me, I had a few things that happened to me and I was like, if this is how my life's going to be for the rest of my life, I don't want to do this anymore. You know, I don't want to live like this anymore. And going through that at such a young age. How old are you at this point? I think it started around 13, 14. So young. Yeah. And, you know, I didn't understand anything. I didn't know my own mind. I had no life experience. I didn't know what was going on.

38:20You know, I didn't tell anyone. So it wasn't like anyone knew. I think I don't even know how I ended up doing it. I think it just became a thing. And it was like when I'd hurt myself, I'd be like, oh, I feel better because now I've punished myself, you know, and how I express them. And I think when people see this loud, this big hurricane character, they're like, oh, my God, she's mental. And I'm like, well, no, actually, I've gone from here to here. So me expressing how I'm feeling, that's part of my healing journey. It makes sense. you were for so long what you were you for so long you held all your emotions in because you didn't know how to express them or get them out and that resulted in you you know um not being kind to yourself yeah and so now thankfully you do release them but sometimes you don't have control over them because they just go so out there but at least you are expressing them rather than holding it in because when you hold it in we know what happens and that's not great yeah and you know like I'll hold my hands up where I'm wrong and I would definitely say I'm not going to apologize for being who I am, but I will say, yeah, I could work on that.

39:27I could definitely work on channeling that. And in my everyday life, I have worked on that. I walk away from the situation, I go, I calm down, I listen to my music, I relax my mind, I do my meditation and I come back to it. In there, I don't have that luxury. So that was really like a raw, unhealed, 20 steps back version triggered bell. And I think that's what people forget it's like yeah I've done that healing and when you're put in that situation I can't walk away from it I can't go meditate I can't I can't step out of it like you're filming I can't just get up and walk off his continuity it's this it's that you know you didn't have your coping mechanisms no and that's why I'm like all the healing work I've done over the last what my 28 from 13 to 28 however many years that is uh five 15 years right right well the last 15 years the work that I have done on myself.

40:19And, you know, I went and see a therapist that did a lot of hypnotherapy and he always said this to me, he went, close your eyes and all the voices in your head that are kicking off and overthinking. He was like, imagine it's coming out of a radio. He went, now place that radio in the corner of the room, put your hand out and turn it down. And I was about 17 when this happened. And that was the first time my mind had ever been silent. Wow. I didn't have the time to do that in there, you know, and that's been something I've done for however long for all these years and that's kept me sane and then it's like that's taken away from you the the triggered feeling from the past relationships of boyfriends being hurt extremely triggered from that you know the lying to me the cheating the this you know okay they're not as deep like we're not in a three-year relationship you haven't just slept with someone else no but it's those feelings come back I don't have time to sit in my bed for the morning and go you know what, let me think about this.

41:16Let me understand my mind. Where are you feeling? How do you feel? Calm down. This is fine. That's going to be okay. Like I normally do, you know, and you don't have that luxury or that time or that space in there. So for me, really, it was tough. And it's a boiling pot of emotions, right? There's no time to reflect. It's bubbling like this, bubbling, bubbling, bubbling the whole time. It's like a, it's called a hot house. That's Yeah, literally. And it just got to the point where I was so triggered. I was so like, every time I'd sort of calm down and try and get myself to that space. I remember at one point I was taking like half an hour at the snus door, at the fake door.

41:53I was like, I'm not going in. I don't care. I want you to send me home. So I'm staying out here. And that was when I started calming down. As soon as I calmed down, it'd be another game, load of questions that trigger me, you know, and it would just spiral like that. you know and the main reason I ever wanted my platform was to sit and help young girls and guys that are going through it and to be a voice of understanding for them because when I speak out loud I'm like shit I sound mental like this doesn't make sense but I'm like no you're you're actually fine this is normal like how you feel is normal you feel like this because of this and you know like I started a live series at one point and was helping young girls who were suicidal with mental health.

42:31I was messaging them all the time, like chatting with them. And that was all I've ever wanted. You just wanted to use your platform for good? Yeah, 100%. And I think when I first came out, I was 21. I didn't really understand about it. I was so embarrassed about telling anyone about it. I didn't want to be judged because there's that thing of, well, if you're self-harmful, you'll never work in TV again. That's not true because I told the producers about my history of self-harm. They knew. Wow. You know, they know that. So you don't have a stigma around you just because of your past. You can grow from that.

43:02You've mentioned the site. What other things have you been doing to take care of yourself since you left the villa? I think for me, I've tried to not put too much pressure on myself. I mean, I was dealing with a lot in there and I think my body just started shutting down. Like I was, too much information, sorry, ladies talk, but I've never missed a period in my life and I did in there. My body was literally shutting down. Like I didn't come on. So I've been trying to keep relaxed, stay at home, sleep as much as I can because obviously in there We don't know how much sleep we get. We don't know the time, you know, and I've been trying to just relax, get my body back to normal, take my vitamins, sleep as much as I can, not get into it too much online.

43:42You know, and I've took my time with podcasts because I needed to. You know, I didn't want to speak up beforehand because I wasn't in the right mind frame. And even now, you know, I'm still a bit all over the place. Things, you know, I've dissociated a lot from what happened in there. I've forgotten a lot of things. I'm getting like flashbacks of it. I mean, the first week coming home, I was waking up having nightmares that I was still in there, like panicking, having anxiety attacks in my sleep. It feels like you have a little bit of PTSD. Yeah, definitely. That's what it feels like, right? Yeah.

44:13And I think that's the thing, like, you know, when I come home, I see my mom and dad, I just burst into tears. And I was like, I'm really struggling, I need help. And I think for my mom and dad to hear me say I need help, I never ask. I never want to help. I'm like, no, I'm fine. I'll be fine. I'll do it on my own. I'm fine. I'm fine. And I like to put a brave face on. I don't want anyone to worry. And I came home and I was like, my body is shutting down, mum. Like, I'm in bits. Like, I'm struggling. And it was just a mess. A mess. Your family have been amazing through this, right? Especially a letter from your dad.

44:54And then your family posted a statement on TikTok saying, you can dislike someone's behavior, you can disagree, but hateful comments, personal attacks and threats are never okay. Please remember reality TV is temporary. The impact of words can last far longer. That last line is so important. This is temporary. It goes, it disappears, it's done, it's finished, it's out of the way. But words are pretty strong. I think sometimes people forget that and we see this online the whole time. What would you say to the people who, people online who've made those horrible comments about you? What would you say to them?

45:25You know, I think that you have to remember that it is entertainment. They bring these games up. Like, we'd all forgotten the Sean and Lucinda situation probably a week after it happened. They brought the games up to reignite it, to get the rouse. So, you know, like, we were all fine. We were chilling. You know, like, you have to remember that this is an entertainment show and that's why I do think it's really important that Love Island put a statement or a warning before the show airs. Some things are set up for entertainment purposes because they are. We are just characters in a TV show. And I think for the public, if I have triggered anyone with my responses because other people have certain triggers they might not like hearing shine, I apologize for that.

46:12And as someone who is on TV, you know I will try and do better to calm my temper but I'm going to say that lightly because I love those bits of me you know and I say I apologize to people that I have triggered if I've upset anyone in any way you know 100 % but I'll never apologize for being me yes I will always forever for the rest of my life be working on myself and trying to improve because as we all should but those parts of you guys the parts of me that you guys hate I love I love that I'm fiery I love that I'm outspoken I love that I speak the truth like I don't care I love that and if anyone leaving negative comments you know like just think about it before you do it if you've got an opinion yeah cool fine happy for that love that but the destroying the way I look destroying who I am my character is there any need for it you know how would you feel if that was your son or daughter i don't always get it right but i do everything with a pure heart everything i do i do with pure intentions i never mean to upset anyone you know and there's there's so two sides of me because there's this part of me that's very like i'll make a joke that you know online i'm like rage bait the rage baiters you know like rage bait the haters um people keep calling me and harrison mother and son so yes i'm like none of mother's day i just thought you should have a little photo of me and my son you know like we we laugh at the hate and you know that's another thing I forgot to say how great he was around all of it I mean he has been an absolute rock to me like I would have been in a lot worse way when I got my phone back if it wasn't for him and you guys actually didn't see a lot of that in the villa he really had my back and he stood by me and I couldn't have asked for better like he was amazing and you guys didn't see that he stood strong for me when I couldn't stand strong for myself and I think in my whole life I've probably got about three people I can say that about wow so even in the holding villa when we left how amazing he was and with hate like he'll call me are you all right today like are you struggling are you okay do you need anything can I help so how he was painted on his first season I'm in utter shock of how lovely he is and how helpful he is and how he got painted as this misogynistic, like male pig character.

48:35And he's so the opposite. Like he's so love the girls, love the girls, all for the girls. You go queen, you go sis. You know, like he's so, his mum and his sister are really strong women. So it's like he's used to that and he's, you know, he loves women. Like he loves the girls. Are you still together? Yeah. Yeah. Things are going really well, actually. Are you official yet? Not yet. You post on Snapchat a message from where he said, I love you. He's my biggest troll. You know that. He's such a troll. So he basically, someone said on his Snapchat, have you told Belle, have you guys said I love you to each other yet?

49:17And he was like, no, she keeps saying it to me, but I just don't say it back. Such an awkward conversation, right? Obviously being sarcastic. So I was like, right, seeing as he's trolling me, I'm going to actually give you guys some evidence. So yeah, he always, yeah, he always says like, not in a way of like, oh my God, I love you. He doesn't, he hasn't said like, I'm in love with you, whatever. But at the end of the phone quiz, he's like, oh, bye, I love you. What are you doing? Love you. What's this? You know, like in a little bit of a jokey way. Is it a joke? I don't know. I think he's trying to sound out the, he's trying to sound out if I'm reciprocating that, you know, are we there yet?

49:50Are we not? But yeah, like we've both got a lot of love for each other. Belle, thank you, man. I know how tough it must been for you like at the moment but especially coming out and I'm sorry that you've been through all of that firstly no one should ever go through that thank you for being like so honest about your past and present and the fact that you're using your platform for good that's the best thing you can do because there are so many people out there who probably listen to this conversation who can relate to you in so many different ways and the fact that you're going to help those people I applaud you massively yeah and you know I think definitely from this once my mind is completely back to normal and I'm right, you know, I'd love to speak about that openly with people, whether on my platforms and things and actually answer questions from people that are going through it, you know.

50:36But anyone listening, I do apologize if my brain's a bit. No, you're kidding me. You were so amazing. You were so amazing. And I just, I honestly appreciate your openness because it's a lot what you've been through. And even though it's an entertainment show and it's a reality show, it's also real life. Yeah. And this is your real life that it's going on. and some people forget that we watch you through screens and we don't think you exist or real. And then when we see you, it's like, oh no, you are a real person. This is actually someone real. So sending those negative comments is not nice. Yeah, no, it's not good.

51:07We like to end the conversation with eight questions. Okay. Are you ready for this? I don't know, am I? Yeah, you are. What's the saying or phrase that makes you smile or cheers you up? Charge it. Best compliment anyone's ever given you? Oh. that I've got a good aura. What scares you most about yourself? My mind. When was the last time you cried? About three seconds ago. I tried to hold it in though for the makeup because I did see on camera the tears. It was not good. So I've tried to hold it in. What's something you can't let go of? Something that I can't let go of. Millie said her lost Mary vape I'm going to, my pineapple killers There you go What's your guilty pleasure?

52:02Oh, I've already used my guilty pleasure Guilty pleasure Watching Big Brother Really? It's always been my dream that one Really? Yeah What turns you off? Fake people What turns you on? Real people. Emotionally vulnerable people, I would say. What do you like most about yourself? I like how authentic I am and how comfortable I am in being who I am. Strong. And we asked Millie last week, who was the bombshell guy that you were desperate to come into the villa? She said Jack Fowler. Yeah, oh, we was all hoping he would come in. We were sitting there like this every day, like hoping and praying. he's hot well Love Island pool of men ain't the best babes you know like they're not we've not got loads of sexy men but he yeah Jack Fowler we was all saying that so if I said no to that we'd be liars so yeah we did we did actually all go to the beach and ask the producers for Jack Fowler and they ignored us so Belle you've been a superstar thank you for being open honest totally yourself I appreciate it and thank you so much for coming on you're amazing thank you for having me I appreciate it best that was amazing