Cat Burns on Grief | GREAT MOMENTS

0:02Hello everyone, my name is Jamie Lang, and this is Great Moments. hey guys this is great moments where i share some of my favorite moments from my conversations on great company now we've had so many incredible guests on the show and there are things they've said that have really stayed with me long after the conversation ended so each week i'll bring you one standout moment something that's made me think made me laugh or cry or change my perspective and hopefully there's something in it for you too so are you ready let's get into it

0:42your dad wasn't around i mean like not really so what was the relationship there because your mum's your kind of rock i imagine she's my queen yeah she's the queen of my existence um i didn't have the best relationship with my dad um and he passed away four years ago wow christmas day which is why I think slightly a tangent but still within topic I think people who experience grief are one of the most loving people like one of the most loving people you could meet because we know the the fragility of life and how important it is to love people when they're there and it's a sad club to be a part of but the it's a beautiful one as well because you've we've learned the price we pay for love um but but it's nice because my mum I can do random things my mum will be like you know your dad did that exact same thing like town to how I moisturize my face or like I can personify anything I could I could do anything like I've got my imagination is so like what do you mean you could personify like it like I could like I could just it like I could be driving and a random pedestrian just like crosses the street i'll give them a random name i've given them a backstory i'll be like why have you done that janine why what what's your problem or like i can just really i can i can personify any i can build a story you build a world around anything and anyone exactly and that's something that he would do and he was always the the life and soul of the he would be the one giving advice to everybody and doing all of these things but he wasn't able to provide that to his family.

2:27How old were you when he wasn't around? They split up when I was seven and divorced when I was nine. Same thing. My parents divorced when I was around. Yeah, split up seven, eight, divorced. Yeah. It's a tricky time. As an individual, not just the divorce time, obviously that's tricky, but in terms of growth, it's a real sort of precious time, I think, because you're still in that stage where I found that it's like parents are everything and then suddenly that separates you're a bit like well the world's pretty scary because what's happening here and you don't really understand it as well so I didn't process it very well right interesting I really didn't process it at all well I think um my the difference there is I was happy I was like oh thank god it's just me me my mom and my sister we can just frolic around this is vibes wow yeah i was like the vibes in this house are not good so once he was gone i was like oh yes it's the truth yeah i mean that's an amazing truth and yeah i was like yeah i mean but explain that to you what were the vibes in the house before just wasn't it wasn't a good environment i think i think hostile anything like that yeah i think he i think he was just again as an adult and once i've unpacked in therapy i just think lots he's probably well neurodivergency is paternal so he most probably had adhd and or autism and i think um he just had a lot of sensory overload he wasn't able to regulate his emotions that well and i think when you're in the household receiving that that can make you well that's what made me quite an anxious child um so then when he was out i was like thank goodness and then as i got older you know you unpack you develop you know you start to seek connection and I think I was really boy crazy when I was a teen which is crazy because I am a gigantic lesbian but I was really boy crazy when I was a teenager and even now thinking about it's probably because I was trying to seek a male love.

4:40And then as I got older and lockdown happened and you unpack things, I was like, I've got males in my life that I love. I've always had boy best friends throughout my life. So I'm like, I've got the males in my life that I love. I've got that. I don't actually like any of these. I don't like them. I don't fancy them. I don't want to be with them. And then when he passed away, that was when the real growth happened because it was like, Like you can place blame and put anger on a person whilst they're still alive. But when they're not, it's just like you're smacking something at the wall and it comes straight back at you.

5:14Totally. And that's dangerous. Yeah, exactly. So I had to really unpack and forgive myself and forgive him and lots of active imagination where I just kind of close my eyes and think about my past and reassure in a child stuff and like really do the work. and I learned from that time from my childhood when I think back to it I'm like as much as my dad wasn't great I'm like I also had a mum who was really great and I've started just taking control of my brain a little bit more and being like well I can actually maybe I'm going to pick things from my childhood that I actually want to take with me and keep and let go of the things that I don't.

5:55I had a really great mum who acted like a mum and a dad. She did the best that she could. So funny, made me feel so safe. I can cry to her all the time. There's so much love that I was, that I did have. And now I've got the tools to be able to look back and be like, I'm going to take this and this and this and just leave the faff because that doesn't serve me. I've unpacked it. I've healed from it. I've forgiven myself, forgiven him. So I don't need to. That's beautiful. Thank you. No, that really is. It's an amazing way to be. And yeah, I always live by a sort of rule, which is, I don't know, I can't remember where the quote comes from, but it's seeking revenge is like drinking poison and wanting another person to die.

6:37Yes. It only hurts yourself. Yep. And as much as it's painful to try to forgive and let go, we must try and do that in life. Forgiveness is for yourself. I think the same with resentment as well. like when I've learned or my idea of resentment is that person is just again a mirror for all of the times where you didn't acknowledge your own like boundaries does that make sense yeah if you know you're in a toxic relationship again not an abusive physically or something like that that's you know that person has got their own things that they're going through and should not take that out on you but I think if you're just in kind of a toxic relationship and you've got loads of resentment I think that's just a mirror of like every time you look at them it's a reminder that you neglected your own boundaries or you didn't show yourself that respect that you needed to and every time you look at them you're like it's just a reminder of that so when you forgive yourself and shed this I think most of life is about surrendering to it and the resistance is what causes us to be ill and not be okay when you just surrender to everything happening life becomes so much easier to manage that's so much harder to do as well it's so funny do you know what i find so strange is it's like um i think as humans we i think it's like an evolutional thing like evolutionary thing which is like the same we always thought the saber-toothed tiger was out there so survival always be scared the stick breaking behind you in the middle of the night isn't you know your neighbor saying hi it's something scary right yeah so we lean into that sort of suffering place it's much easier for us to lean into the suffering be a victim it's much harder to not be and be positive and happy and take the good things out and so i so i think in life you have to try as much as it's difficult to not lean into that sense of suffering yeah but it's it's almost you have to be aware that you're doing it because sometimes i i can get super anxious about something or find myself ruminating and then i'll just be like when i'm in tune with my body I'll be like we're literally tense so first of all let's just take a breath and actually just relax all of our limbs we've got the tools let the let the feeling flow through you it will pass as will everything you you are like I think we have to give ourselves enough credit we are stronger than we are told we are by society and all of those things like we are very strong humans when you feel an emotion you have got the you can just let it flow through you it doesn't have to you don't have to be like no i shouldn't feel this i don't want to feel this just feel it just feel it and it will pass and then you can go about your day how did your dad die quickly cancer that old fucker yeah it's the it's uh it's not a good one is it not a good one no no but it was it was two years so he got diagnosed when i was 18 um he was in and out of remission and then he passed christmas day i'm really sorry you've just it says it says yeah but grief you know back to back is like it's tricky yeah so i guess it's happened when i've been quite young 20 and 24 um but again i think it's part of my story and it's um allowed me to be more vulnerable than i've ever been in my life yeah allowed me to connect with everyone in my life on a way deeper level and i've had people in my life like oh my gosh when i eventually experience grief i feel like i'll be safe around you i think this is why your music is so amazing thank you because i think what As you said, what you do is you encapsulate feelings and emotions, and you're very honest.

10:28You know, one of your songs is about coming out as queer, and that's quite a bold thing to talk about in a song, right? Because it's a very personal thing to you, but you decide to make music about it. Yeah. Which I think is amazing. Yeah, that's why I make music in the first place, and why I love music, because it is therapy. and there's something about like it could be really hard for someone to say something but to sing it it's easier um in a way of a poem and I just found I think again not in a mean way but our lives aren't that unique we're all in the same simulation we're all on the same earth so music is a way I think to connect people to each other because there might be someone sitting in their room who's isolated themselves and is like I'm the only one going through this thing like life is just awful I can't like I don't know why this is happening to me and then they can slap on a song and someone's talking about that exact scenario and being like oh the song has literally been written for me I'm not alone in this maybe maybe these things do happen to everybody it might be a really awful breakup or death or something and being able to listen to a song where someone else has experienced that exact thing and being like oh my god I'm not alone is such a comforting feeling especially as someone who feels different from everybody else and wanting to seek connection in every way possible that was from my conversation with Kat Burns the incredible singer songwriter and celebrity traitors legend I loved that show and I loved having Kat on great company now she spoke about so many amazing things in particular her perspective on grief that kind of really stuck with me.

12:12What she says about how people who experience grief are some of the most loving people you can meet is such a beautiful, kind of powerful way of looking at things. Talking to Kat also reminded me how important it is to appreciate the people you love whilst they're here. Be vulnerable. Allow yourself to connect with people on a deeper level. Don't take loved ones for granted. Enjoy your time with them. Okay, it seems so obvious, but it can be so easy to forget. Now, if you enjoyed that great moment, you can listen to Kat's full episode on Great Company, wherever you get your podcasts. We're going to leave the link in the show description below.

12:43You can click on it. And Kat is just one of many incredible guests we've had in Great Company. So if you haven't already, make sure you go and check out some of the others too. And don't forget, if you can, follow and subscribe. And I'll see you next week for a brand new episode of Great Company.