EXCLUSIVE - JESSIE J: I'M FINALLY READY TO TALK ABOUT MY CANCER DIAGNOSIS

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2:07Hello, everyone. My name is Jamie Lang, and this is Great Company.

2:14Well, hello, Jemima. I was going to say good morning, but I don't know what time people are listening to this. Good morning, good afternoon, good night. It can be any time of the day that people are listening to this. All we can say is welcome back. Welcome back. to Great Company Podcast. Or welcome. Or welcome if you're a new listener. I'm Jamie, the host, and this is Jemima, the producer. Yep. And you guys, we like to call our owls. We all have names. Jemima wants to call you the owls, which is our wonderful listeners. I like to call myself PJ. Let's just go through all the names. I like to call myself PJ.

2:43I'm the producer, Jemima. And I like to call Jamie PJ. Presenter Jamie. Presenter Jamie. And today, on today's episode, it's really exciting because... We have JJ, Jessie J. Jessie J is a performer She's a singer She's I love her An incredible artist That has written so many songs Throughout the last decade and more Yeah, what's your favourite? Price tag maybe? Price tag I love price tag I love Domino Domino's great You love Don't you love Bang Bang? I love Bang Bang Loads of the songs you would have heard She was on The Voice in the UK She also won a Chinese television singing contest which is incredible it's wild it's huge it was viewed by 1.2 billion people yeah Jessie is an amazing artist an amazing person and we're very lucky to have her on the show today I've been a big fan for a long time and before the episode starts Jessie actually reveals something very emotional and very personal in today's episode so I just want everyone to be pre-warned with that and when you do hear the news We are also going to leave some links In the description of where you can go If you also are worried Or affected by this conversation But that's all I'm going to say for the moment If you haven't already subscribed to the show Please do It does us absolute wonders I cannot tell you Let us know what you think of the show What you like What you don't like What guests you'd like us to have next We want to hear everything Well not everything Not everything I mean if you really want to tell me What you had for breakfast You can do that I will read it Yeah And I'll probably enjoy it Just let us know what you think.

4:23You can sign to our DMs at greatcompanypodcast or you can send us an email, greatcompany at jamperproductions.co.uk. Are you ready for this? I really wanted to reply with the song lyric. You can do. But I can't think that quickly. Bang, bang. Call me close like I'm a... What on earth is that song about? I don't know where you're going with that. I don't know either. Call me close like I'm a domino. Saying that now, I'm pretty sure those aren't lyrics. Well, anyway, on that note, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy, guys. Enjoy this episode of Great Company with Jessie J. Hello, I'm Jessie J and I am in great company.

5:04Most of the things people say to me is this, when they see me they go, oh my god, you're much shorter. And I go, oh yeah, I am, this is my height. Honestly, I've never looked in a mirror. Or they go, oh you look much better than I thought you'd look. People say that to me all the time. Brilliant, alright. Yeah, you're so much prettier in real life. And I'm like, this isn't real. I'm not me. Like, there's nothing. How do you respond to that? No, that is literally how I respond. There is nothing that anyone could say to me that would offend me. Like, I literally, me and my assistant go on, like, the shade room and all these, like, you know, the places where, like, people go to write the comments that kill.

5:39I just love it. And I scroll through. And I, like, the BAFTAs, I was like, I just want to see what people are saying. I'm not like, they're like, it's amazing. I was like, I want to see light. And it's like, she looks like a lesbian geography teacher that's just auditioned for the mask. And I was like, that is what I want to read. That makes this worth it. It's like a lesbian geography teacher. Just left an audition for the mask. And I was thinking, I was like, I do look like a lesbian geography teacher that just left the mask audition. I actually find that quite a compliment. I don't even know where England is on the map.

6:11But it's a market. Like, we have to laugh at ourselves. Like, the job that we've chosen is so random. It just, it honestly makes my life so much more interesting. Like, what's the weirdest thing anyone's ever said to you? I think I'm Ellen DeGeneres the whole time. My middle name is Ellen because of Ellen DeGeneres. They actually think I am. My name's Jessica Ellen Cornish. Wait, after Ellen? No, it's not. I know, I'm like, guys. Oh my God, yeah.

6:43I'm a big believer in energy and I'm pretty spiritual as well. I don't know if I'm religious. I went to church a lot as a kid though. I don't know if I'm religious, but definitely spiritual. And now every single night I get on my hands and knees and I pray. And every morning I do that. And I say the same thing. I go, thank you for keeping my wife, my family, friends happy, healthy and content. And I just thank for so many things. And I swear to God, doing that and like cleansing yourself, actually. 100%. Without a doubt. Acknowledging the good in your life and not just using prayer or faith or religion, whatever it crosses spirituality in moments of darkness is key like to actually say yo thanks I had a good day as opposed to just I'm having a bad day can you help me out you know I think that's so important and I think it's a really beautiful level of gratitude to have to start your day but then when bad things happen if really bad things happen how do you stay grateful um I've I have good perspective I always see things as a bigger picture I honestly believe that things happen to me oh god happen to me so that I can help other people get through them and I know that might be a weird perspective to have yeah especially with my health but I just I feel like yeah I just I just I have a I don't know I just feel like I'm so blessed I think of it like this I said this the other day and someone was like wow but like you know when you've been healthy for like 180 days yeah and then you're really sick for a week and you're like I can't believe it but in actual fact it's a very small percentage of being sick in comparison to the good days you just had as being healthy.

8:09And I think everyone can focus on the bad stuff because we all want to feel good and happy. And so when we have like maybe three months when we're a bit depressed, in the grand scheme of things, you just had a good year. So just give yourself a little grace to have a moment of like shedding whatever you need to shed or feeling whatever you're feeling. And I think for me, when I go through bad times, if I'm honest, I kind of enjoy them because I'm like, okay, something's happening here. I need to grow. I need to deepen something. I'm being taught a lesson every time. And then I write songs about it.

8:37And then, yeah. That's a really good way of looking at it. Because I think, when we talk about, like, personally, when you go through hard times, right? We try and fight them. And you're right in the sense, like, say you felt great for 180 days. And then suddenly, your brain turns on you. For whatever reason, you feel anxious, depressed, whatever it is. You straight away go, why do I always feel like this? But actually, you haven't really felt always like that. So you catastrophize. No, exactly. And leaning into it and going, okay, I'm feeling this way. Why am I feeling this way? That's a really, but it's a really hard thing to do.

9:09It is and it isn't. I think it's a freeing thing to do. But it's really just a sense of perspective and just like, like my dad and my mom, we grew up having like family conferences every weekend and we'd sit and talk about how we felt. So my dad's a mental health social worker, not anymore he's retired. My mom was a teacher. So together it was like we used humor in a lot of things. and also just, I feel like for the biggest blessings that I've had in my life that are massive, I have to have balance. Like, there has to be balance in my life. Explain that to me. Oh no, I really want to tell you but I don't know if I can.

9:43Why? Because it's a really big thing that I haven't told anyone and it's very personal but I just don't know. This is the moment I'm going to share it. I may cry. I probably won't. Don't worry, if you cry, that'll send me to the edge as well so I'll be with you. So I was diagnosed with early breast cancer seven weeks ago. Right? and I haven't told anyone. Buddy, I'm so sorry. Hello, producer Jemima here. We're just going to pause the episode for a second, aren't we, Jamie? We are. We haven't ever done this in a podcast before, but we want to be honest with you guys. Jessie came in to record the podcast in May, and she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, which, as you can hear on the episode, she's spoken about for the first time.

10:21After hearing the episode, Jessie felt that she wasn't in a right place to talk about her diagnosis, understandably. She wanted more clarity over it. She didn't know what the future held for her. So many uncertainties. So we asked if she would like to come back and record an episode once she had had clarity and had her surgery. So she did. She came back. And this next bit is Jessie coming back for the second time and recording with us again. She talks about her concerns for the first episode that she recorded with. And she also talks now about what has happened post-surgery. So we hope you enjoy this.

11:03Okay, so Jessie, we recorded an episode. Yes, we did. Before. And you're now back again to record another episode. I just love it so much. I know, man. That's what I'm hoping. That you just really enjoyed. I enjoyed it so much that I pretended I didn't like the last one so I could do it again. Why didn't you like the last one? No, it wasn't that I didn't like it. Just a lot of the things that we spoke about, especially with the breast cancer, it just changed. My diagnosis was a little different and I just knew how important that conversation was. I realised that the journey wasn't there yet and I just felt I owed it to myself just to kind of act on my instincts and go, I think I should do that again when I'm a bit further down the line.

11:44So how are you feeling? 10 out of 10. No, I'm okay. Yeah, I'm good. I feel like you'll always say you're okay, which is fine. I get that. No, no, I mean, I have my days. is like yesterday I sobbed because I miss my boy. My boy is, I can't be a mum like I want to be a mum. And I feel robbed. I feel like that's the only biggest negative thing. I'll start with the worst thing as I feel like cancer's robbed me of memories with my boy. And anyone that has a toddler knows that they change so much in that time. And you blink and he's like chatting. You say you feel like a little bit anxious about what you were saying last time, which I kind of understand.

12:17You came on and you were in this headspace and you were kind of just being diagnosed with cancer. I think I had, so I was diagnosed on the 31st of March. Yeah, so it was around that time. And when, no, it was May. It was like eight weeks later that I came here, right? Was it really? Yeah. So it was almost two months later. And it felt like it was the first time you were told, like, a stranger. It was the first time I'd told anybody in the world, like, other than friends and family, that it would have been a public knowledge thing. Was that scary? No, it was really nice. And I could hear it that I was just over, I just the adrenaline running through my body.

12:55But I think also just cause I was, I had, if I'm honest, how do I word this? Whenever you're kind of diagnosed with something or you go through something as someone that's in the public eye, people often give you kind of a bit of a, like a flag to wave at the front of the queue to like represent everybody behind you. and I felt that I was like in autopilot doing that with the breast cancer when I actually just wanted to be someone that was in the back of the line watching someone else that had already kind of gone through it that had that knowledge and understanding to do that for me and I think that the way I was talking about it when I was listening was if was already as if I'd gone through it and I hadn't and I almost wanted to let myself be a bit more scared and sad.

13:40How do you articulate that to family because I just you know when something like that happens and you get diagnosed with something, I think your immediate thing, which I noticed when you said to me first, is to go straight to humour. Oh, always. Because you want to... Even now. Yeah, even now. You just, let's make it funny. I don't want people to fast. Let's go to humour. Yeah, I mean, I think humour's always, always my thing. It's not... I don't think I use it as a defence mechanism. I just think it's my personality. It doesn't mean that some days aren't awful. Yeah. You know, and I don't let the closest people into me...

14:09That sounded good. The closest people realise what you're going through. Yeah, go through... My mum knows, my boyfriend knows, some of my best friends know. The whole world doesn't need to see that all the time. Yeah, but also, Jessie, I'm going to say, because I don't know why, after the last time we spoke, I feel like a real, it sounds so cheesy, but I feel like a real connection to you, and I don't know why. I'm not kidding. I don't know why I do. But I love that. I swear to God, I don't know why. And this is going to sound cheesy, but you don't have to be brave. I just start crying and pouring all over my face.

14:39I'll pour it. But you don't have to be. and I think you've been you've got diagnosed with cancer you then when you spoke about it with me right you were being like very joking like oh there's not which is I get that that's immediate thing that I would do and I understand that and then you've gone through this whole process right now of you know and we're going to talk about what you've been through but you're sort of in this moment now and I still feel like you're like no we just got to keep moving going on and no you know what I think is I feel like I had had two months to process it so when I spoke about it with you I had cried and I had been scared and I was like I'm gonna die there was moments where I was like this is gonna go left and I'm gonna die and I had those moments and I think anyone that gets diagnosed with cancer at any level or anything when you're in the unknown at that point I didn't know if I was gonna have to have extensive treatment what it was gonna be so I think when I listened back to it I almost felt guilty that I was robbing people like my fans my friends my family time to understand because I knew that that was going to come out very closely to me talking about it and it wasn't going to give much of a window for people to process it um and it was actually something my PR said to me that sounds so cliche but you know he's doing his job where he just said like people really care about you Jess and this is going to hurt a lot of people and that isn't for you to manage but I just felt like the way I was talking about it because I had known about it for eight weeks and I was still going through all the tests and I still had more results that came in after we talked last time that changed things that we talked about that I didn't give them the chance to process it.

16:15Does that make sense? I think maybe that was one of the things that I was talking about with humour already because I'd gone through the sad and the like. But also... Is that what happens? It's just not really my thing though. I just don't... Talk me about the last two months. So the last time we met, you've been diagnosed. you then since then you've had surgery so when I saw you I can't even remember where I was at I think I was in the I was I was in the process so the last test that I had was a genetic testing so basically what does that mean so I found a lump I went and got checked they said we can feel and see the lump but the on the ultrasound it looks fine so that that was that was you know so they said we'll send you for a mammogram or do you want to get a biopsy and I said well and what's a mammogram so a mammogram is where they basically squash your boob into a machine yeah and basically I think it's like an I don't want to say it's an x-ray but it's like they just do a picture of it so from the side I couldn't even fit my boob in the screen it was literally like it was like shutting her like a yogurt covered apricot into a door and I was like she was like can you go in anymore I've got nothing left there's no boob left and I was me and the nurse were crying laughing it was like she was like I was actually holding on to the machine like you're all right babes you good yeah literally she's like can you go in anymore and I was like there's nothing there and she was and I was and I was laughing so much she was like try and stay still and what's going through your mind at that time well this you're laughing but let me just go back to what I was saying so I don't go off on a tangent and do what I always do.

17:56So I had the ultrasound, that was clear. And then luckily they sent me for a biopsy first because the mammogram came back clear. So if I'd have had that second, I don't know what would have happened. Like whether I would have just not had any further treatment and that would have been it. And then it would have got bad. Wow. Really bad, yeah. That can happen. Well, yeah, of course. And I'm lucky that I'm very aware that I'm very lucky that I can have private healthcare. Wow, I didn't even know that was. Yeah, so usually the usual course is ultrasound, mammogram, and then anything. So because I have young-ish breast tissue, it looked healthy.

18:32This is what they've told me. This isn't me, you know. So because of my symptoms, so I had like a really achy arm. My arm felt like it was made of lead. And I had, I'd always have pins and needles every morning. Like when I woke up, I couldn't feel my hand every day. And how long was that for, can I say? About five months. You just didn't go and get it? No. You just would just wake up every day? I don't know, because I was working out. So I was like, maybe I'm just getting blinched. And I just thought I was like, it was just the workouts. And I felt healthy. I was like, I was good. So I didn't think of anything of it.

19:03I was just kind of like, maybe it's my muscles. I know, silly. And I was busy. I was preparing. I'd just moved back from America. I was moving house. I've got a toddler. You're just doing life, you know? And so because of that, they said, let's do a biopsy and just do it. And they were like, the only appointment we've got is the 28th of March. And it was the morning after my birthday. And I was like, let's do it. Big, big girl pants. I'm 37. Let's be brave. And so I randomly blogged it. So I filmed myself going to the appointment, just going, found a lump. And so I filmed the biopsy and my boyfriend was there and I did that.

19:39And she said, I'm going to phone you on Monday if it's not good news. Or I'd like to tell you. And I was like, okay, fine. I think it was a Friday, I think. And then my boyfriend and my son actually went to Denmark for a little trip for a week. And I was at home. Are you spending the weekend nervous? What are you feeling all weekend? No, no, no. I was just cracking on with things on my to-do list. Wow, Jessica. I don't worry about things that haven't happened. There's no point. I think that would consume me all weekend. No, there's no point. Because until you get told, you're just wasting energy.

20:13And I was talking to the BAFTAs. I was busy. I was doing meetings. like I was everywhere I was sitting with Spotify and Apple and we were preparing for a launch no one even knew this was happening I hadn't even told any of my team at this point that I went to get a biopsy I was just like it's going to be fine it's they literally was said to me it's going to be fine it's a cyst it won't be anything it doesn't look bad and so she I literally was come off a call with the BAFTAs talking about my performance and she texted me saying can you zoom really quick so I'm thinking oh it's going to be nothing because it's a zoom but it was Monday so I was like and it was six o 'clock so I was like okay so I was like jumped on the call and um and she was like are you sitting down and I literally went ah and I was like yeah and she went I'm really sorry but it's all come back as like high grade cancer cells and I just burst into tears um you know that was my normal that that was a healthy reaction so those moments it's not like I'm like you're making a joke you know I mean I'm not I reacted like anyone else would and I just burst into tears and I think because I was like convinced it wasn't going to be anything and everyone had told me it wasn't like even my friends that I'd told I'd had a biopsy done were like oh it'll be nothing like my friend had that last month and it was nothing so I was like yeah yeah kind of poo-pooed that I was like thinking it could be something um and so obviously they kind of tell you the result and then they'll be like we'll be in touch that's when you're just like right so what happens next and they reach out and then I had an MRI and that was what that was the unclostrophobic and had and with a breast one you have to lay on your front with your like boobs in a little bucket I mean mine was a little bucket and then they inject you with dye at the end and then they like can see everything but you I mean I was in there for probably 25 30 minutes and they ask you what yeah and then they ask you what music you want but you're on your front so you're looking down to just like a plastic bottom so oh and I picked Bob Marley because that's what I gave birth to the machine and Bob Marley we might have talked about this last time but those two things at the same time oh my it was like everything's gonna and I was just laying there going what do I zone into do I zone into the machine or Bob Marley and I just had to talk myself like off a panic attack the whole time I know that that was the worst that was one of the worst bits of all of this oh yes it was awful and I was like I hate MRIs I hate them and I feel so awful so claustrophobic and I couldn't move and I've got my arms up and they're just like and I take a deep breath and they'll be like try and stay still and I'm like like And you're trying not to panic.

22:59Oh, the whole time. And you're just fighting that thing's just right there. And they're like, do you want us to give you something to calm you down? I was like, nah, that ain't a bit of me. Let me just ride this raw dog. Like, I just sent me raw dog the MRI. Are you serious? You don't, you just wouldn't? No, nothing. No, I hate it. Any like melatonin, I just don't like anything. I like to feel what I'm feeling and deal with it. Good on you, Jessie. So I was laying there, did that. And then when the results of those came back, it showed that I had, it was about four and a half, five centimetres of cancer and a lump at the bottom.

23:28And then I also had more here and at the top. And so I then decided to get a second opinion to a lot of people's advice. And I found a doctor that I really liked. And then so he wanted to repeat some of the tests, but also test the other cancer that had been found to make sure it was the same kind of cancer as the other one. And that was when I had those biopsies done the night before Ronnie's, Scott, that I did my industry showcase. So that was when I was in pain and I was just so uncomfortable. And I had my outfit already picked out and I couldn't be bothered to change it. So you could just see the plasters.

24:05I was trying not to lift my arm up. And you're just doing it? Yeah, because I wanted to. I was so excited. You know what? And I said to you at the beginning of this, there's a bit of me that feels like I go through these things to write music. Then I also feel like the health thing might already be written and happening. and the reason it happens alongside me putting out music is so that it brings me enough joy to do the sad thing does that make sense do you know how much I love my job like this isn't like a oh I'm going on a promo run I'm doing I love it I love it I love connecting with people I love singing and I love making music I love writing songs I love making people feel stuff like so for me it was like that got me through so then after the MRI I had the mammogram which was just hysterical me and the nurse just cracking up laughing why because because of the me not yeah yeah um and what are you feeling mentally what are you feeling at this point you're just cracking on i was so busy with work that if i'm honest i didn't have a lot of time to process it and i know that there was like do you think that's a good thing maybe good and bad which is one of the reasons i wanted to tell the world yeah but i didn't know when and i kept recording the video and then not having time to like edit it and put it out and then i was i don't want to edit it but then it was like how do I make this like a 30 second video to explain it and then I kept making jokes or I burst into tears and I literally had like 16 different videos of different days I was like I've got five minutes I'm in between promo I just want to let you guys know that this has happened and then I was talking like I was in an interview because I was doing interviews and it was just you can't feel it was so disconnected and I was just like okay let me just wait until this happens organically can I ask you a question on that as well because um Because you, I would say, you're a bit like all of us.

25:50You're a workaholic, for sure. You love what you do. Like, you enjoy it so much that when you're in this moment, you're like, no, I can't. I have to keep doing this. But also when you've worked so hard to get to that point. Like, this wasn't like a two-week, let's put out a song. And this was like years in the making of like, even just rebuilding the foundations of my life. Like, my team, my confidence. Like, not my confidence. like my my value in like and just finding the joy like these songs were five years old so I'd gone through like left my label and gone through the legal stuff and I was like I'm not gonna just put this aside and sit at home and cry because that's what other people would do and then when I met when I saw you yeah it was right before Summertime Ball yeah yeah you're the mix of everything so I was I knew I was at some point I was like I almost want to do a podcast or an interview where it will force me to tell people and I hadn't planned to come here and tell you but if you listen to the opening of the podcast it feels like you're literally been told to like gear me up to tell you I knew nothing no I know I knew nothing and so then I when I kind of I hadn't really prepared to talk to you about it and also we just first met so I really didn't know yeah yeah yeah but it was like how do you deal with hard things in your life and I was like you know but I think it was just it was like that word vomit it just comes out because you just want to say it and it was just an open tab and you're like so desperate to tell someone and I think I just got to appointments I'm going to talk about it but I wasn't there yet to talk about it like I did and so it's only been eight weeks and so since then you said you had a new the diagnosis new doctor yeah so it wasn't a new diagnosis it was just that I just got more understanding of what it was so there was more cancer around my breast than I thought there was and then I had to have genetic testing which takes four and a half weeks to come back the results so I think that's when I spoke to you so I was in a period of time where I was waiting to see if I carried any breast cancer genes and that would determine whether I was having a single or double mastectomy so I always was having this one taken off and then this one I've kept um because I didn't carry any genes so it was just the you know the gene doctor was just like it's just unlucky it's just one of those things when you when you share the diagnosis on socials you did that what was the response oh It was so nice.

28:09Isn't that, I saw it as amazing. Do you know what was beautiful? I believe in love and joy and happiness and people being good people and wanting to care. And so the media was obviously the thing that swum around my head. But I do think even though being diagnosed with cancer, you're still going doing Summertime Ball and Ronnie Scott. But what other person in life? I can tell you now, I wish everyone that has ever been diagnosed with anything scary got to experience what I did at Summertime Ball. Because that was nothing to do with me being Jessie J. That was just people wanting to give me a hug.

28:44Oh, man, that's like... You know what I'm saying? Like, when I watch that back, it makes me cry every time. When I say it, because you can see it. I mean, I saw me being little Jessica. That wasn't Jessie J. When I said, this is my last show before I go and beat breast cancer, and I pull this face and I go like this, because I haven't said it out loud. I hadn't said that out loud to, like, 80 ,000 people. and everyone just erupted with joy and love. And I just was like, I'm going to sing this next song now. Like I just, because I knew I'd just lose it. But that feeling, that euphoria, that like energy, like everyone that was there in that space, my team, my family, my friends, strangers, young, old, people holding up posters saying like, we love you.

29:26You're going to beat this. You've got, like, we've got you. I've beat it three times. And it was just, it was the most. Yikes. That's like hit me. Yeah. And it wasn't me being Jessie. It wasn't me. I wasn't getting that love because I'm Jessie J. I was getting that love because people are kind to people. Yeah. And I felt like when I was being put to sleep, it was that moment that I was playing in my head because it was an unimaginable amount of love that I received in that 25 minutes I was on stage. But in that moment, oh my God, it was overwhelming. It was an interesting living my best life. You know what I mean?

30:02and then price tag and just see the, like everyone just loving it and like, we're all just humans trying to get through this crazy thing called life. Yeah.

30:14When you wake up from the surgery, what goes to your head? Where is my boyfriend? Where is he? Why? When I tell you, yeah, the worst bit for me, first of all, I got my period the morning of the surgery. Okay. So I'm like, already just, imagine, my mood is off and they make you put on those like see-through little pants and I was like this ain't doing nothing like post baby periods are no joke so I'm already just like okay so I've got to like just be out there you know what I mean so my boyfriend's like do you want some chocolate and I can't eat because he's just being silly with me because I can't eat from the night before yeah so I'm like just like like I was just like trying to make jokes but my surgery was a little bit delayed because they had something happen.

31:02So I was waiting for a while. So I hadn't eaten for like 16 hours or something by the time I went down. And then they walk you down, don't they? When you're not like unwell. And that's the episode of like Black Mirror. Yeah, it's weird. And you've got that little cloak on that that has a little hole at the back. Yeah, your bum's just swinging in the breeze. And you're walking past everyone. Yeah, you're like, hello, like, don't mind me. And everyone's going, is that Jessie? Yeah, yeah. Is that Jessie? Yeah. Yeah. And I, so, you know, you walk down to like the freezer and it's literally like a Costco aisle freezer with like, and they're like, just relax.

31:35And you're like, bruv, this ain't my workspace. This ain't what I'm used to is they're plugging me up to all these things. And he lays me down and I'm literally, and I instantly like panic. So like my body starts convulsing. And like when I have panic, I shake. Like, like if your, if your wife has a C-section, prepare for after a C-section, you shake uncontrollably. Why? Because... It's just the adrenaline and the drugs. And like, so you... And I can't remember, it's something that happens in your body, but you're literally like... And that's what happened. And I was like laying there and he was trying to put the needle in my hand.

32:11And I was like... And he was like, your vein is slipping around. And I was like, well, anytime now would be good. So I'm laying there and they're putting all these things on me. And he was like, right, I'm going to give you the happy drug, which like relaxes you. Okay. And I've always talked to my mum about this. I'm like, something happens before you're put to sleep that I don't like. Where it goes suddenly black around you. No, no, no. Like before, before they put you to sleep, something happens that I don't like, that I just don't like the feeling of it. And I'm like, is it a painkiller? Like, what is it that they give you?

32:44So I've realised the happy drug does not make me happy. It doesn't? No. He's like, so I'm going to give you the happy stuff. And he literally put it in and I went, nah. I went, nah. I was laying there. I went, no. put me the fuck to I literally sorry if I can't swear but I went put me the fuck to sleep right now like I was and I was literally just like I don't like it this ain't a bit of me and he was like no just relax I was like nah doc put me to sleep babes I'm not I'm not here for this I'm not like I'm not here for this babes and I was literally like and I feel bad I actually apologised to him when I came back because I said put me the fuck to sleep right now I literally said that and then he gave me the oxygen and I literally repeated in my head the video of my son going I love you, mummy, that he'd recorded that morning that my mum had sent me.

33:28So I repeated him going, I love you, mummy, and me going, and I was going, I love you too. I love you, mummy. I love you too. And I probably said it six times and then I fell asleep. Oh, God, you're going to make me. Yeah. And I was thinking about Summertime Ball and that moment of like, just that cheer and love. That's what I was thinking about as I went to sleep. And then as I came around, I've actually filmed it. I'll show it to the end. I look crazy. I literally am like, mm. and I remember just like being with it a little bit and I was going where's Hanan where's Hanan no my boyfriend where is he because I could hear the nurses talking and I just wanted him and as soon as I over I'll get upset as soon as I open my eyes and I saw him I just burst into tears and he filmed it he like propped up his camera so that he could like I could watch it back and I was so happy to be alive and like in the room and back and it'd be done and I never forget I looked down and they put like a plaster the whole way around and then just your nipples out and I was like why is my nipple like my nipple was like like awake like it was like it was like like it looked like a boob that had been to like in jail it was just like her nipple had been up all night yeah and that's the first thing I said I was like not my nipple and I was off I was just yeah literally and so yeah so I had was making jokes as soon as I came around and then he filmed me and I just what a legend as well I know like obviously people of course he's going to be there to support and do that but like that's oh he slept on a little bed next to me and wouldn't leave they were like you don't have to stay I was like baby you don't have to stay and he was like I'm not leaving and then I had my surgery I came up to the ward at like 9pm at night yeah so it was quite a delayed I was supposed to go down really early and it was delayed so I came back quite late so the anesthetic was still in my body when I woke up the next morning so I won't know it was good so I thought I was okay so I woke up and I was like so I got up I had a little wash I like restrain my hair got dressed and like was about to go for a walk and the doctor came in he was like what are you doing I said I'm gonna go for a stroll and he was like no you're not absolutely not and he was like sit down like no he was like you will have to have another surgery tonight because you'll have a blood clot if you move around too much he was like you've got an open wound under there like you've literally oh my god he didn't even realise it yeah he was like I know you've got an implant there but he was like you've just everything's got like once these anaesthetic wears off and the painkillers wear off like it's going to be rough for a few days at least and so yeah I went for like a two second walk downstairs and then came back up and then just surrendered to the rest so how are you doing now i'm good yeah yeah i'm all right i am so i had my surgery four weeks ago so it's still really early again i feel like you know i'm kind of being vague i can talk about the bit that's already happened and isn't going to change are you resting no no i am no resting for me is like i'm not driving but i'm not allowed to pick anything up heavy okay nothing over like I think it's like two kilos which isn't very heavy is it?

36:44How much is two kilos? Two kilos is it where it's a little bit you can't pick anything up over two kilos No Two kilos is like a pint of milk Yeah no it's ridiculous I mean I'm kicking a lot of things like I'm pushing things with my feet but I am probably doing more than other people might do but I feel like I'm okay It's half a newborn baby That's what it is Half a newborn baby Someone just told you that? Someone just told me that Right, weird. Not the iPad of information. I know, it just comes up. I just talked to her and it comes up. Okay.

37:22So, every newborn baby is different though. I'm like, half of what newborn baby? Like all of them? Yeah, like an average baby? I don't know. So. I love that's where your mind was going. This isn't fact. Who's text you? Your friend. So you're kicking a lot of things and just moving a lot of things. No, no, I'm not kicking. No, I'm not. I am resting and I'm doing a lot of physio and, you know, just like doing the things. I'm like making my health simpler to cope, preparing for, I've got to have, obviously I'm having a second surgery to match them and to do a little bit on this one that's not quite right.

37:58Preparing for that. With regards to my health, I'm good. I'm still in pain. It's still really sore. Like I'm really swollen still on this side because I had a drain that was in for two weeks. So it's like a bottle of blood. yeah I know my son kept asking to drink it and I was just like he was like Sky drink mummy and I was like no sweetheart that's mummy's blood and he was like juice mummy and I was like no baba I'm trying to show him I'm like look it's going into mummy and he's like Sky have some Sky have some mummy and I'm like no baby yeah oh sweet boy I miss him so much so yeah so it's a bit sore still and I'm still having a physio and I've got my I haven't even like hit my six week appointment yet where it's like you're okay like you know you've had a baby and then you go to your six week I always I know I'm talking about it as if everyone's had a baby and I hate that but it's only thing I can relate to is like when you go to the doctor and you get your six weeks six weeks sign off they go you can work out lightly you could and that's what I'm waiting for so I've got two weeks till that no I'm honestly I'm okay no I'm actually okay I'm all right the The weirdest thing for me is that this boob's still small.

39:07And it's awkward because I'm so open and then everyone's like, do I look at her boobs? Do I not? But this one is obviously the implant. It's like a blanket over... Over... Yeah, it's like a mango under a bed sheet. You know? I know what you mean. Should we talk about my music? Because that's probably quite important. A hundred percent. I would love to, yeah. So the plan was to put out a single like a month ago. Yeah. and then obviously when this all happened we kind of avoided talking about it but didn't and then it was a bit like I kind of got to the conclusion that I was like because I was going to do two singles back to back like I did with No Secrets and Living My Best Life and I kind of came to the conclusion that more people would be like is she alright if I put out a song that quickly well because like she's a bit delusional like you know I've got to actually take a break because it would have literally been a week after my surgery yeah and so we've kind of waited a bit and like obviously some things are going to have to change back end of the year that obviously we're still deciding and figuring out and I hate that but it is what it is I can't change what's happening and I have to just heal and but I had a song called Believe in Magic that I wrote in 22 when I was pregnant and the chorus lyric is if I died today want to know that I made it such a waste being jaded all the little things that fix a broken heart open your eyes and you'll see what can happen got to believe in the magic and like when I sing it now and I listen to it now like tapped out the verses tapped out run my eyes in the morning tired of the detox tired of the talking I get up I show up day after day I just want to and listen to Sade and it's just like when I listen to it now I'm just like it's like this really you know when you get angry hopeful when you're just like like life is so good just look up like you know and I just it just feels like the right song for me to share and I don't think there's any format anymore I don't want to I feel like I'm focused on marketing strategy.

41:00Yeah, it's important. But I just feel like if people feel it as authentic, then it will work. And the second song I was going to put out isn't right. So I'm not doing it. Wow. I love how you're, I love that's what you do creatively. It's so good that most people, I had this amazing thing once where it's so, it's so random that I'm relating it to this. But the guy who created the Apple shops, he created all the Apple shops. And then Steve Jobs came. I just read this the other day. Steve Jobs came and said to the guy creator would you think they're good and he went I don't think they're good he said well don't open it don't do it and everyone always feels like they need to put stuff out they need to do it but actually the best thing is just holding back until you think it's actually ready well also just it being real yeah completely like if I put a song out that just doesn't I love the song that I was going to put out but there's things going on in the world and like just what I don't want to sing about or do want to sing about and what feels right for me right now I have to sing about what I'm feeling and so when No Secrets and Living My Best Life for the first two songs, I was like, this is ridiculous that this is the songs I'm singing because it felt, I was like singing my life.

42:04That's insanely authentic. Like even the lyric of living my best life, like no more tears, I'm not wasting time being sad tonight. And I'm singing that knowing that I've got breast cancer and no one knows. Do you know what I mean? Like after all these years, finally I'm living my best life. And even if, like again, everyone says like, it's literally scientifically proven that if you listen to music that lifts you up, your body will heal, right? It helps heal, but it doesn't cure things, but it helps. Like when you're feeling depressed and you listen to happy music. So like me being able to go out and sing that song, it was just so helpful.

42:40If someone's listening to this now though, yes, and someone's like, what advice would you give them if they're going through something or a family member or a friend or? You know, the only thing that's really helped me is I've blogged it. I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I've - Can't wait, man. You've been there. I've videoed everything. like getting you know what's crazy you've got to put that in a documentary you've got to get that out there yeah maybe I don't it's a lot of boobs do you know what I mean well I say it's a lot of boobs it's not really but you know what I mean but I film myself crying and really being honest like holding nothing back crying like saying exactly as I felt however dark it was so when I watched it back at any point I never felt that bad so I was always like okay I'm making progress documenting all of that and like going through it and then showing that to people will be so powerful yeah it's crazy isn't it it's one in two now one in two it's just mad but I do just want to say to end this if anyone has been diagnosed with cancer or is going through cancer treatment right now or has anyone that they love that's going through it I'm with you I'm giving you a hug yeah I'm sending you all the good vibes and energy and just there's not really much you can say but I'm with you

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45:52like you're making me just crack on um just cracking on but when I was younger uh it affected me quite a lot and I would collapse quite a lot so I couldn't play out I was quite cottonwalled um and I had an ablation where they put two wires through your shoulder and two in your groin and like almost try and zap your heart into a natural rhythm and um I remember coming round and this is what I grew up with is my dad went it didn't work so you can stop being attention seeker and I was nine and it was that sarcastic humor honestly that has gone through me my sisters all of us are like that and yeah so you're laughing because you know my dad um so you just you just you just deal with it and you crack on crack on and he was like didn't find I'd have a pacemaker like not a pacemaker excuse me a um what they called like a heart monitor yeah so I'd have that attached to me at school and just cracking on but it's not and I was on beta blockers for a long time and they made me go really, really green.

46:49And then I was called an alien at school. And then I wrote a song about it and made loads of money. So fuck them. Yeah, fuck you. Fuck you, motherfuckers. But I did look like a rabbit. I had massive teeth and I was green. I would have taken the piss out of me. You know? What do you mean you went green? I was green from one of the side effects of like the tablet. So I had this like green tinge. I had, you know, like TV teeth. Yeah, yeah. When kids have like widescreen TV teeth and their head is like the size of a pea. That was me for a long time. So yeah, I was just, you know. You felt like a bit of a misfit at school?

47:22Yeah, I mean, I was always a bit of a misfit. Really? But I kind of liked it. I was in the corner writing a poem about everyone and everyone else was playing Tamagotches, you know? And I was like, what is life? I was like this green rabbit poem writing psycho. You're so upset, aren't you? The whole time she's thinking, I can't believe I cut my hair like this crazy girl. But yeah, I was very, I just had a weird like a very different life quite early on from a lot of my school friends like even just being on the West End at nine and then going to school and then I was in hospital and then this happened and then you know so it was always kind of felt like I was experiencing You have to grow up quick Yeah and just experiencing a lot of things that I couldn't have a conversation with people about which is why I just felt so connected to the world when I got pregnant because I was like finally something I can like relate to people about Really?

48:12Yeah and have a conversation it'd be normal because fame isn't normal you know what that's like yeah well not on your level but you no it's the same fame is fame if someone's going what are you doing in change bridge how do you answer it yeah I'm buying some food like you know I don't know what the answer is is it true you know I'm here I need a tampon you know like what I know what are you doing here yeah shopping I know I was on a plane not long ago and someone said have you been on here the whole time I was like But, so, didn't want to brag, but I can fly. I came up over Paris, you know, like, what?

48:49Bitcake, going back to school times, right? Yes. That must have been a little bit tough. No, it was. It sucked being bullied. It did. It sucks. But how badly bullied are we talking? Not really bad. Like, you know, names and I remember, like, the odd trip up and, like, being pushed over and, like, called names and, yeah, it wasn't fun. But I also had an amazing childhood and loads of friends. but I also I don't think I realised back then that there were so many kids that were so good at other things way better than me like I was never academic my dad always said to me I was articulate but quite thick like I could write a good poem but it was all spelt wrong you know what I mean there was no grammar the same now I've got a spelling mistake in my own lyric it says don't lose instead of lose it's just what it's who I am it's in my DNA but like when I was younger I just I think that because the situations that I was in, I got to showcase my talents quite young and a lot of the other kids didn't.

49:45And then it just felt like I was showing off, but I wasn't. I was just being me. So I'd almost try and dilute what I was good at to make the other kids feel better. Really? Because you knew, because you were that, because you were. I was quite self-aware that I like knew that kids didn't like me because I could sing. So I'd like, wouldn't go for the audition. I wouldn't do something as well. What, because you're worried about their reaction? Yeah, like they wouldn't like me. That was a very conscious thing. But then people felt sorry for me because I was always ill. When you were a kid and you're going through a heart issue and then you're like, what do you learn from that?

50:15What does that give you? What did I learn from it? That I'm resilient. That I learned that I need to look after my body. That the world, the life that I've now been given now, I can't, I don't do drugs. I've never, I don't drink. I've never smoked. You know, like it's, it's given me an insight to like people go like, wow, your voice is so great. And I'm like, what do you do? You never lose your voice and I'm like I'm so strict and I'm so disciplined you know and I think that's come from that so it's like that taught me that and gave me the protection that in some situations I wouldn't have had like if I was thinking oh if I have like this if I get drunk I might have a seizure I might this my heart will go into a tachycardia and I can't I didn't do that I was yeah and I was also confident there's so many people that I feel like especially now and young people are pressured to do things you've got to just stand in your truth of who you are the amount of people that go like i can't believe that you're not drunk i'm like i love it yeah i love that i'm gonna remember tonight that that's a that's a that's a really hard thing to do i think and especially for young kids to be confident in their space i'm not doing that i'm not following that i'm just doing this who teaches you that how do you learn my mom was definitely a huge but me and my mom literally had a moment last night where i hugged her and said yo you have no idea how special you are like she has raised me and my sisters to just be so and I think I'm realizing it more and more because I'm watching how she is my son and how she is as a grandparent and how she is a mum to me as well as being a grandparent to him but also being back in the limelight and back in this whole crazy thing in this industry and realizing I've never been a yes girl and that might be why people deemed me as a diva and a bitch back in the day because I was always like nah that ain't a bit of me.

52:01I don't want to do that. I'm not going to do that interview or I'm not going here or that doesn't make me feel safe. I don't want to be left with that guy. And everyone be like, oh, she's difficult. Wow. All the time. That's all like the beginning of my career. Well, I did not know that. Yeah. And the media did that to me as well. Because you pushed back. Yeah, always. And when I'm, even now, and I sit with like even some like friends of mine or like people who have been in the industry, like especially females that are like, you know, I'm just so glad I've now learned to say no or like, and I was like oh I never was like that if anything I was the opposite I was like nah I ain't doing that I was like the Essex girl was like are you mad like nah I'm not doing that and I now realise that I know that that was one of the reasons that I got deemed this that and the other especially in certain things that I did even in the UK and so like now I'm learning I'm so glad I stuck to who I am A couple of things I want to unpack there right is that firstly do you think because you were a woman that that's why you were dubbed a diva?

52:58Because if a guy was pushing back, do you think you've got the same thing? No, I think guys get called divas. It's just not the word diva. I think it's a dickhead. I think guys get called dickheads and girls and women get called difficult. But I think that when people call you difficult is because they're not able or capable to deliver on the thing that you know you could be deliverable on. What was your dad like? My dad's the funniest person ever. Really? I wish he had his own podcast. He should have been a comedian. Who do you get on better with? Both or what are you more? I'm just like both of them.

53:28I'm literally my mum and my dad. I've got my dad's sense of humour and like deep, sociable connection with humans. But my mum is so patient and very... Everyone's always like, oh, your mum doesn't like me. I'm like, no, no, she does. She's just observant. And my dad's like... Like, they're complete opposites. They're like, yeah, that's my...

53:54What moments in your life... to really define you that aren't like those big successful moments that everyone else sees? Giving birth to my son. Really? Oh, my God. I cannot tell you how proud I was of myself. Woo! Have you got kids? My wife's pregnant. Yeah. Oh, I've got to give you a hug. Yeah, you can. It's the best news ever. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Congrats. How do you feel? Oh, my God. I nearly had sex with a chair. Oh, my God. No, you didn't see my ass, did you? I mean, if you did. I don't know what I just feel like I can No, no That is literally what life's about How do you feel?

54:30I feel I've gone all weird It makes me so excited Yeah, I feel I feel amazing I was really scared It's terrifying It was terrifying And I just I want a healthy Happy baby How up high is she? She's 10 weeks Okay So she's And she's feeling quite anxious Oh, I bet Yeah This is the hardest bit The first First bit to 12 weeks Is when she'll do Her body will do the most work Okay So she's growing everything right now The lungs The everything I just want to be a good dad as well you will be because of that comment really? if you want to be a good dad you will be because you care that's it good parents care that they're good parents tell me about your son he is the most I wish I could be here because he's the most hilarious magical boy honestly he is like it's like watching your heart walk around and it's an opportunity for you to reflect on your own self and going what do I want to teach this human?

55:24What do I want to let go of? Like, is my irritability saying I want them to know? No. So then you try not to be as irritable. And you grow yourself. It will change your whole life. It's the best thing that I've ever been through. Wow. And he turned two, what, a week ago. And he is just the best. But giving birth, I can show you the video if you want. I have it. It's not gory. I had a C-section. But like, you barely see anything gross. You just see him being pulled out. And there's Bob Marley playing. Is that what you had in there? Yeah, I had Bob Marley playing I had prepared for a natural birth So I did this thing called the epi-no I can give you a whole list of things that are helpful Obviously you don't need to do the epi-no, that would be weird Don't need to stretch out your vagina Oh my god So yeah, it's this thing that you like A balloon that you pump, you put inside you And you pump it up to the size of a baby head And then you give birth to it every night So I had done that right up And then I had this Giving birth to a balloon every night?

56:20Yeah, but it's a baby's head because that's the hardest part and then the shoulders kind of flop out. Anyway, so then I ended up having a C-section and I said to my boyfriend, I was like, now I've just got a really weird party trick. You know, but that's my point is that you guys will plan, but the baby will decide in the end how they come into the world and that will be their personality. you know of just like it's beautiful though to have this discipline and like this inspiration to like love on your bodies your cells your partnership like it's so beautiful when you because you had um a miscarriage before yes and i i mean i just it must have been so it sucks sucks for anyone that's been through it yeah it sucks it's no good way my my greatest girlfriend in the world, she was the best woman at my wedding.

57:08She had went through a few. And I didn't have the... When she first told me, it like took my breath away. I wasn't prepared for it because you just don't think. But then because of that, what happens is that you then become learnt and you become anxious. Yeah, it definitely alters. Once you've had a miscarriage, obviously I did it when I was on my own when I did that. And I met my current boyfriend maybe three weeks after it happened. And then seven months later, I was pregnant. And so, but that experience was, in the positive way, made me take every little moment of this pregnancy, the pregnancy that I had that went full term.

57:49It was the most magical thing and I just soaked it up. And when I tell you, as soon as your wife is showing and she wants to tell the world, tell her to rub that belly, take all the pictures, forget the noise. Because I tell you, if there's one judgmental crowd out there, it's mums and parents and they all have their opinion and it's so it's just like projection ignore it it's her experience it's her body and her feeling but it also when you've gone through that especially even if you haven't gone through it but you know someone that has closely it puts all of that like reality of oh this could go wrong yeah at any point and you have to prepare yourself for that but not hold on to that that's the hard thing because it's not easy Because if you've experienced, then how do you, during your then pregnancy with your son now, how do you not get the fear and the anxiety?

58:38Oh, I did. I was, the first three months I was a mess. I was just convinced. Every time he didn't kick for a little bit, I was like, it's done. I had a scan all the time and luckily I could afford to. And I'm talking now on the other side. Like I say this on stage, I say this in interviews. I feel so guilty that for so long I was on the side with the men and women that have struggled or have fertility issues or have child loss. And now I'm not, but I am, but I'm not. And I just have this overwhelming sense of guilt that I'm just like, I'm talking about it because it's happened to me. And there may be people that it will never happen for.

59:18That breaks my heart. That people that I know that deserve, because there's so many people that don't want to be parents, that don't want it or don't care for it and that have it. and there's people that want it so bad that don't get it, it breaks my heart. Did you always want to be a mum? Always. I'm the mum in my friend group. I've always just been maternal. Always, my whole life. But you said, I think you said this somewhere, where when you had the miscarriage, you then, again, went into the show straight away. Yeah, the next day. Man. Yeah. Again, you seem to just keep batting on. Because I think people forget, like Jessie J is the brand name.

59:56Yeah. But like Jessica is all of it. That is me. Whether I'm booked to go to the doctor's appointment or go for a walk with my son or go for dinner with my boyfriend or go on stage, I'm the same person in most situations. Like it's just the brand name makes people think that I become something. And so for me, I went on stage as Jessica, but the brand Jessie J on the door, to do a show, to do my job, to go to work. But I'd had a miscarriage the night before. so you can become that and then that's something else almost no they all exist at the same time yeah like I'm not going to pretend I'm not going through it but I'm not going to make it so miserable that I'm not going to be able to deliver my show it was an emotional show it was a small intimate show you know and I remember walking out and everyone was just like in silence and I was just like so how's everyone feeling tonight you know and everyone was just like this And I was like, we're allowed to laugh, guys.

1:00:56It's okay. And we all cried together and I sang my songs. But I don't think people realize, like, how much it lifted me up. Like, I lived in LA on my own. I got pregnant on my own. I lost the baby by myself. I was alone for six days before my sister could come out. My mom wasn't well enough to travel. That was the hardest part, you know, because I had friends and stuff. But, like, you know, like, to go for... And what I, for some reason, what I never realized and thought about is that you lose the baby, but then you've got to lose the baby. I know. And that's the bit I just didn't ever put together.

1:01:30In my head, it was like it just disappears. And I'm like, it's got to come out. I didn't realize that some people have to go and... Yeah, you have to have surgery. But it depends what stage you're at. Sure. You know, and you take tablets and they see if it comes naturally. And if it doesn't, then you have to go. And I ended up having an emergency D &C while I was awake. What's the D &C? I don't want to go into detail, but it was the most pain I've ever been in. it was rough. And I came out after screaming, like I bit through my sister's hand. Like I never spoken about this, but it was so intense.

1:02:02And my sister said, I'm so happy I was there to be able to know that when you have a moment that I understand why, because I was like, that no one else would understand because no one else saw that moment but her. And I'll never forget, I came out into the waiting room and one of the nurses said, there's lots of pregnant women out there. If that's, you know, and I said, do you know how happy I am that they're not going through this. Good on you. Like people, so many of my friends were like, I was so angry when I had mine and gel. And I was like, I wanted to hug every pregnant woman that I saw and went, I'm so happy that you're okay.

1:02:34Oh man, that's such a great way to look at things. No, my pain does not take away from anyone else's joy.

1:02:46You feel things deeply, right? Oh no. so, like you, yeah. Can you tell? I can like, Like, I can feel it. Oh, no. But it's a beautiful thing, by the way. It really is. Like, never lose that. That's like the most beautiful thing. So when you're in love, you must feel that deep. Oh, it's beyond. Yeah. It's hard. It's, you know, my mum always said to me, fall in love as many times as you can deeply. It will either work or it won't. And I never let that go. Like, I've never let it go. So when I go for it, and I'm like, and also, again, fame. Like, you can go for dinner with someone, get photographed, and it's like, and you're like no no no no I just wanted to give him head you know like it wasn't that deep literally like you know sorry Sonny he's already his email in HR PR's quit I know exactly you know what I mean it's not that deep but then there are times where it is deep and they're just like and they don't play up enough and you're like no no this is this isn't Jesse J's boyfriend this is the love of my life this is let's put some respect on his name he's the like father of my child you know let's go you know yeah that's the vibes i freaking love that yeah and then i like championing people i like to i said it's my band at rehearsals they were like but do you want i'm like do you know how much joy it gives me watching people enjoy their lives and doing their job and being or whatever they're doing or being a parent or being in a relationship and really enjoying it and being good at it and like getting like and if i can give you like passion like me oh if I can give the spotlight to my drummer and be like go and he's just like I live for those moments take it take six minutes solo we'll cut a song this is the moment you know like I love that so I like to make sure I give people their dues where deserved where did you meet your boyfriend on Raya did you dun dun dun it works I tried to apply did you yeah when I first went on like when it was so funny it was like this like it's quite a secluded dating app and I applied and they were like, nah.

1:04:49Absolutely not. You can go for a run. Go for a jog. We know you like that. Do a couple of ultra-mats. No, I mean, honestly, I had really struggled to like... I love that you keep that as your story that it's the best. Yeah, it is what it is. I love that. Yeah, it is what it is. He was in New York at the same time as me, which is the only reason I saw him, which is quite romantic. So we didn't meet. I had seen him on the app and I'm a creep. I didn't actually say, I don't even know how to use the app. I just went and followed him on Instagram because it's connected to Instagram. So I followed him on Instagram and I'd not long had my miscarriage.

1:05:23And it was me and my friend that was in New York sitting down. And she was like, come on, don't let go of love. You don't need to do this on your own. And I honestly felt like that was the reason that I had my miscarriage is because the energy of the world was going, you deserve to be in love doing this with someone. This is going to happen for you. So just wait. And it happened seven months later. And I went full term with no complications. Right. And it's like, to me, the soul and the spirit of my baby was there and he still is now. He's just like, no, this isn't how I want my daddy to be. I want to know him and I want it to be this guy.

1:05:57That's how I feel it. Truly. Because him and my son are like, oh, they're like two peas in a pod. So anyway, so I was in New York. That is so beautiful. Yeah. That's insane. I love that. Truly how I feel. Like, truly. So you're in New York. So I'm in New York. So me and my friend, we're in the hotel. and like, you know, I went on like a inspirational need to get away from my own head trip to New York. It was Christmas time. I just had the miscarriage. I went and had a little trip and I was all the world. I told whoever has seen it, right? So whoever knew. And she was like, come on, let's get you back.

1:06:28And I was like, I'm not opening my Riot app now. I've just had a miscarriage. She was like, come on, girl, let's have a look. So I was swiping through, you know, and then I was like, oh, he's cute. And he runs a basketball camp for kids in Denmark. And I was like, I love that. You know, like someone that can be, he's got no kids, which is either a red flag or a big green flag. You know, you never know. You know, it's like we get to a certain age and you're just like, is it either a good thing or a bad thing? So yeah, so I followed him and then I was like, no, no, no. He's going to have seen what I've just gone through publicly.

1:06:57He's not going to want to deal with me and my fame and this and like, no. So I unfollowed him. Couldn't stop thinking about him. Really? I just kept seeing him like, I just kept thinking about him. And I was like, okay, let me follow him again. and then he messaged me saying, you're way too cute to unfollow, follow, follow, follow, unfollow, follow, like to not say what you want to say. And I was like a little dog that wants to jump in a swimming pool. You know how excited they get? Manly, three dogs. I was just like... And I was like... You can't type it quick enough. You know when you're responding before they've even sent the message?

1:07:33I hate that when you're on Instagram. Yes, I am. Or someone says, are you hot? Before they've even known you. They're just thinking, were you just sitting there waiting for me to message you? Yeah. It was like 100%. And you're like this. Yeah, yeah. No, that was literally it. And I was just like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And I lied to him and told him that I accidentally unfollowed him. And then it was this whole spiel that I ended up telling him the truth like a few months in. But anyway, we started talking and then he was in Denmark and then I was in LA and obviously I was going through what I was going through and I wanted to like make sure I was good before I flew anywhere.

1:08:07And then the day I was supposed to leave, I got COVID. Oh my God. So then I had Christmas on my own. I was like, let's go, baby. I was like, yeah, like miscarriage, done. Like COVID, chick. Christmas for myself, killing it. Yeah, 100%. And so I just was like, and I FaceTimed him for the first time. I remember on the 15th of December, the day I got COVID. and so I flew home on January. You were just FaceTiming? Yeah. And I was like looking rough as anything. Just completely naked? Yeah, yeah, just fully naked. Like, green. Just looking green. If you can take me like this. Everything's uphill from here, kiddo.

1:08:53No eyebrows, just like, let me make sense of that. I've got naturally really light hairs. I have to dye my eyebrows every three days. Anyway. Was there an immediate connection? Oh, 100%. Wow. He's the most calm. We're the polar opposite, aren't we? He's just calm. He is calm and patient, very logical, like, doesn't think with emotions, and I'm the opposite. Yeah, but you need that yin to the yang. 100%. That's what works. Yeah, so he's very, like, and I needed that. And yeah, his patience is beyond me. It's like... I love that you're such a champion. I'm always like that. to speak so great about your partner the whole time.

1:09:34Always, it's the best. But let me tell you when we met. Okay. So, I flew home on the 1st of January. Yeah. It was on the 2nd of January. So, I'd missed New Year. I was in the air for New Year on my own. It was like, do you want to have a bread roll? And I was like, you know what? Happy New Year. I might even have a Sprite with a straw, you dirty girl. Absolutely. Let's go. I'll have another bag of pretzels, please. Going to the bar, actually. Yeah. Pretending you're crazy on the bar. I'm like, ah, look at me. Someone take a boot up. Taking a shit in the eye. I'm like, it's been a rough few months.

1:10:08Let's just do wild stuff for no reason. Yeah, no, imagine just going absolutely mental. But no, I remember landing and just being like, oh God, I'm so glad I'm home after everything I'd just gone through. COVID was like, it wasn't great, but it wasn't awful for me. So I was kind of glad that I like, you know, it was just horrible the amount of people that lost people. So I got home and we met at the Crimfier Hotel. and I am like sweating trying to unpack and he's like I'm already here and I was like oh my god and I remember just being like give me a second and I was trying I was jet lagged and I was a mess and he was I got downstairs and no word of a lie there was like Christmas music playing and he was leaning against the lift the most suave and I couldn't make eye contact and I'd spoken to him every day on the phone for like weeks and I was just like hello hello and he must have thought you're an absolute lunatic did you kiss straight away?

1:10:59No, we didn't. No, we went up to the room because obviously I didn't want people to see us. But then we went to, what's it called? Winter Wonderland. And it was its last day. And we were walking around Winter Wonderland and he just stopped in the middle of a massive crowd and just kissed me. And I was like, oh my God, you're the guy. Because no one would ever do that. They're too scared. And I was like, people are looking. He said, I don't care. Yeah. He's a fucking legend. Bring him in. Here he is. He's under the table. He's so small. He's a little borrower. Plot twist. He's one foot four.

1:11:43I mean, we haven't even mentioned the fact that you won Singer, the Chinese show, which was like viewed by one point. Is that on your Google Doc sheet? It's not even on the Google Doc. No, but it's viewed by 1.2 billion people. I know, the finale was, yeah. And you won it. Yeah, I did win it, yeah. And I go to China a lot. It's like a whole Another universe Another thing Yeah because they don't have The same social media platform So it's like People can exist there As artists And like That's why I love Bridging the gap Which is why I was so happy When that show went viral Elsewhere Because people were like What is this So do you have a social media account Yeah Oh yeah How many followers are on it I don't know I don't pay attention Come on Do you know what I screen grabbed on my Instagram The other day And my sister messaged me Going 49 million people Have looked at your page And I was like Oh my god I didn't realise It showed that Yeah mad amounts of people coming through to see me sing but also a show like Singer that'll also just do you know what the format was it is well I'm assuming it's a singing show right yeah I didn't know I was going to be a contestant so I signed up for it kind of on a whim I was in the studio writing Rose my fourth album that no one knows exists what you do now it's really good that's your mum's name right my mum's name is Rose yeah it was Realizations Obsessions Sex and Empowerment so it was four installations and it's my favourite I love my album it's my favourite the first one that one and the new one they're my three favourite albums I've ever made and so I was in the middle of writing that I was a bit down I was not in the best place I was growing up my hair so I looked like Chris Jenner coming out of the shower yeah yeah and it looks like a weird microphone yeah yeah I actually looked like a Lego man and it wasn't fun just take it off yeah no it was just bad and so I was in hiding and my manager at the time was like do you want to do this TV show and I was like you know what just sign me up he's like we don't really know what it is I was like, just sign me up.

1:13:26I'll go. I'll fly there and I'll do whatever. So I went there thinking I was a guest and I was a contestant. I did 13 episodes and I didn't know what anyone was saying because everyone was speaking Chinese, like in Mandarin. So I was like, okay. So then I had a translator. So I did the first week I did Domino's. Second week was I Have Nothing. It went viral. And then the third week I did, I can't remember now. I can't remember, like Luther Vandross or something. And then the week just happened. I just kept staying and I was like, okay, this is a thing. I guess this is happening I guess this is happening and it was a live vote it was like it was a thing it wasn't like a it was a it was mad but it just but everyone on the show is like huge they're artists that are established yeah so it's like there was like Hua Hua Wong Fung it was like amazing massive artists that do like 50 ,000 60 ,000 capacity venues and it's it's like the ultimate it's like the ultimate talent show it's like the ultimate show it's one of the biggest music TV shows in the world but it's also because everyone is already successful in their own right.

1:14:26I wish they'd do it here. Yeah, it's a secret. I've been trying to bring it here, but no one would, I don't think people would do it. Winning that just shows how great your voice is as well. I mean, I just. You can say it. Yeah, no, I mean, I work my butt off, but it's really just like, it was beautiful to sing songs like, I know that, don't quote me on this, but I believe that like Purple Rain hadn't been performed like on their TV ever. And like to be able to bring that, like my sing my favourite songs with an orchestra, it was just amazing. It was so much fun.

1:14:56I'm so glad you're back with Music Man. Honestly, like, just like, I'm a fan, firstly, but then also meeting you today, you're a fucking legend, dude. Thank you. Yeah, you are. That's a strong word. Yeah, you are. You 100 % are. Can I, thank you for doing this. I know you've done a lot. I have. I really appreciate it. Honestly, I've got nothing left to talk about now. I'm allergic to hazelnuts. That's the only thing I think I've not told people. That's our big one. I had them recently by mistake. It was bad. Okay. Good talk. See you later. See you later. Wait, I've got, we like to, no Nutella, Jemima.

1:15:31No, no Nutella, no Kinder Bueno. We got quick fire eight questions. You ready? Ready. Here we go. Saying a phrase that makes you smile or cheers you up. If it's not okay, it's not the end because it will be okay in the end. Best compliment anyone's ever given you. Great tits. No.

1:15:48So many things are coming to you. I don't know. No, no, no. I think probably just that I'm funny. I think that's probably a big compliment for me. It's the best, right? What scares you most about yourself? My over-sensitive imagination. Big. When was the last time you cried? This morning in the shower. You don't want to know why. Then my son took a shit on the mat.

1:16:12Literally right outside. And I opened the door and I was naked covering soap and it was just steamy hot shit. Did you bare-handed? I had to. Okay, here you go. And then I went back in the shower. And created it. And ate it. No. No, no. Just wanted to feel really close to him. Just love him so much. Come on, baby. I'll get your shit. Come on. Chocolate ice cream, mummy. No, no. I didn't eat it. What's something you can't let go of? Something I can't let go of that my security guard, Dave, didn't phone me before he decided to leave the world. hate that that's the first thing that came into my mind yeah what's your guilty pleasure?

1:16:57reality TV yeah it's good what turns you off? poor hygiene what turns you on? an organised pantry you better face those labels to the front you dirty dirty boy what turns me on? literally yeah yeah yeah you walk in there organize yeah what do you like most about yourself

1:17:28my perspective last one favorite swear word I don't know you don't have to swear maybe shit yeah it's a good one yeah you eat yeah that comes out of my no absolutely not Jessie J you're the best thank you so much thank you for having me this was fun so much for shared

1:17:50wow she's amazing she is amazing she has the most incredible attitude and like the things she's overcome you would honestly never even know yeah it's amazing what she's overcome and like we said you know we Jessie shared that very personal information and if you are affected or are struggling we're going to leave some links in the description that you can click on as well to help you also if you would like to get in touch we want to hear from you what you like and don't like about the show. We would love to hear about that and what guests you think we should have next. We read them all. And if you haven't subscribed to the show already, please do get in touch at Great Company Podcast on Instagram or send us an email, greatcompany at jampotproductions.co.uk.

1:18:27Everything is in the show description. It is. Okay, thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next week on a Wednesday for another episode of Great Company.

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