LOUISE THOMPSON: THIS WAS THE BEST AND WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

0:00Before we begin, a quick content warning that this episode contains discussions of birth loss, trauma and PTSD, which some listeners might find upsetting. Hello everyone, my name is Jamie Lang and this is Great Company.

0:17Hello, shall we set it together? Hello. Was I deeper? Do it again. Hello. There we go, that was nice. I was trying to do it at your tone. Hey everyone, welcome back to Great Company podcast. I'm your host Jamie and you are? The producer, Jemima. Yeah. And Jemima, very excitingly, guys, has just got glasses. Oh, yeah. I have. Not wearing them right now. You're not wearing them right now. They're a bit dizzy. But do you know what? This year I have got glasses and an asthma pump. Do you want to take my lunch money? Yeah, I might do actually after that. Yeah, what's happened? That's what happens when you turn 31.

0:53Can I also just say, I went to get my eyes checked once and they said, yeah, you need glasses. And I then got the glasses done and it just gave me a headache the entire time. Yeah. So I would just, are you sure you've gone, I'm not going to say the age, but you've gone certain years without glasses? Yeah, but I can feel it sometimes when I'm reading, but I don't want to wear them too much because I don't want to get reliant on them. But I'm enjoying the new person I am with them on. You just quite like, because what does it give you? It gives you a little bit of. It just, I feel like I'm like more composed.

1:24I'm really with it. There you go. When I don't have them on. Oh yeah. I'm a mess. Completely. When you got those on. Oh my God. Today's an extra special episode. because I have a great friend of mine coming on, or we have a great friend of mine coming on, Louise Thompson. Louise Thompson of Made in Chelsea, fame as you are too. Louise and I started Made in Chelsea around the same time. We dated before. You did? That was the first episode I ever watched. Was it? Was you taking her to play golf? Yeah, I took her to play golf. I did that with a lot of dates, I think. I think you did, yeah. Anyway, we have Louise on.

1:58And if you followed Louise on social media, You will for sure see or see in the press that she's had a really tricky time. She had a horrible time during her birth of her son, Leo. After that, that was just the beginning of this horrendous journey of health, physically and mentally. And then more recently, she's just come out and very bravely on social media talked about her stoma bag that she had put on. Yeah. and today's episode is going to be a mixed bag because I kind of want to start and talk about fun Made in Chelsea and all those different things and talk about like everything that was fun and exciting about it and have a laugh but also there's this sort of hidden thing that is also we need to talk about which is this whole journey and yeah a lot happens you guys are on Made in Chelsea how long ago did you both I mean she left it a long time ago she left it a long time ago there's an awful lot's happened so I want to hear all the Made in Chelsea stuff but I also you know there's a like we say an awful lot has happened and we grew up together we grew up in our 20s and doing this incredible show how old were you when you met 22 that's so little 21 we were so little and we didn't know about ourselves we didn't know about the world and we didn't know about anything and and so it will be amazing to see her because over the past few years we haven't seen each other that much so it's going to be so amazing to see it and i hope if she listens to this i'm being the biggest supporter and i think she knows this because i always message her and being the biggest supporter from the sidelines, just making sure she's okay, because some of the stuff she's been through, she spoke about depersonalization, disassociation, which I want to talk about on the show.

3:29She's been through it and I also experienced that, plus anxieties and things. So I don't know where this episode is going to go. No, I don't. I have no idea. What do you think you're going to start first question? Well, I think the big question I want to ask is how she is. That is such a simple but amazing question. I think sometimes people underestimate the weight. The power of it, yeah. Yeah, the power of just asking someone how they are. That's a lovely question to start with. And also, she has just written her book, Lucky. Yes. Which is, you can go and get right now. So if you go to the link in our description, you can go and get yourself, you can order yourself a copy.

4:05Or you go to Louise's Instagram social media pages, you can get it there. Or go to a bookshop. Or go to a bookshop, support your local bookshop. That would be amazing. And also, if you haven't already, I would love you to follow and support this podcast because it means so much if you do. So if you really like this episode, Please share it and follow it If you don't like the episode, just don't No, please still share and follow Okay Either way Either way, should we get on with it? Yeah Please welcome Louise Thompson to Great Company I remember when you and I went on our date together And it was on a cricket pitch Do you remember this?

4:39We did golf Oh shit, okay Oh, alright Was it cricket? You took a lot of girls to do the same thing as well I didn't yeah you did listen it's hazy for me as well

4:54amnesia yeah you can't remember that hi I'm Louise Thompson and I'm great company so when you do a podcast right how many podcasts have you done only three this is your third ever ever yeah the I when I do this one I always think about what's the first question to ask and we sat in the office and I was thinking about it and honestly I was so first I need to say to the Listener, if I call you wheeze, that's what I've called you for so long. And we're going to get into our relationship and everything. But I was thinking about what I should open with. And I think the easiest thing to open with you is that it's just us how you are.

5:31Thank you. That's a really lovely question. I'm actually doing really well. I'm doing well. It's been a horrendous two years. I could never have predicted any of the stuff that happened to me that it was going to happen. I mean, you never think you, right? You never think it's going to happen to you. And I'd always been so lucky in life. Um, hadn't really faced much adversity and yeah, then my whole world came crashing down. But now I feel strong, like stronger than ever. I mean, I had a recent surgery three months ago and that was, all of it's been really challenging and I'm sure we'll go into more of the details about what been through but i feel actually better than ever which is really saying something um don't get me wrong there are moments where i you know i think i'm sort of 95 back to my old self i still have you know i suffer with debilitating anxiety sometimes and you know i'll have you know i will suffer with with an element of ptsd for my whole life because it's kind of a chronic disorder but i but yeah no i feel like physically well and also like mentally i'm kind of just i'm in i'm in a good spot it's it's it's funny right with um i because i throughout your whole time and this this whole chaotic two years you've had we isn't honestly man it like like even like reading about you and reading bits of your book and all things, man, it just, it like really like breaks my heart and almost like makes me emotional.

7:08And I don't know why. And we saw each other recently and it made me, if I think about it, it makes me sad because you came in and you got emotional when you first saw me because you said it reminds me of my old life. I cried. Yeah, you did. And you know what? It was weird because I hadn't cried for quite a long time and it really caught me by surprise. And I used to cry all the time. I was just the person that cried on me and Chelsea every flippant episode. So my dad used to call me Tears Thompson.

7:36And I, yeah, I was feeling strong when I came in for that meeting with you. And then just seeing your face, it just made me cry because it did, it reminded me of, of like an amazing life that I had had. And I felt like so much had happened and it was, it just, I guess like seeing you was a bit of a reminder of what, you know, of how easy things were before. And also it was just really nice to see you because so much time had passed. And I suppose we'd spent a long, you know, a large chapter of our lives together, working together. And those were really kind of the easy glory days. Yeah, it was, it was, I, because I, I can't, I always message you and I'm always checking on you because also I, and like, I also just never need a reply.

8:19I don't want to reply. I just want you to know that it's like, I was always like just checking in, making sure you're okay. And recently I sent you this message and I said, I don't, social media is a strange old thing. And sometimes you don't really know what's going on or whatever it is. But from my, I just saw you and I just saw you had this glow back and you just, you felt just so much happier and healthier and better through everything. And I was like, oh my God, it feels like you feel stronger now, which is amazing. I, I've had so, thank you firstly for all of your messages because they, every single message that someone has sent me has meant so much.

8:57And I, yeah, I, I've had so many people reach out to me over the last couple of months to say, I've seen something different in you. Like you, you, you've got your old spark back and it's incredibly encouraging, but also I do, it makes me think, God, well, I mean, I feel like I can, there are a few things to unpick here. I mean, obviously like from the physical perspective, I had my colon removed at the end of January and that was really inflamed, covered in ulcers and was preventing me from absorbing any proper nutrients. And I was malnourished dehydrated and was in a really really bad state and so having that taken out of my body even though it was incredibly traumatic and I'm kind of dealing with some of the artifacts now with like hair loss and there's just some horrendous things that you have to go through um and and and you know wait you know being put to sleep again for I don't know the like fourth or fifth time in two years it's it's incredibly petrifying why is that scary for you because you don't know if you're gonna wake up and you don't know i well okay so i've been put to sleep well the whole being put to sleep thing is quite interesting so when i actually um when i give birth and i was talking to someone about this this morning i've spoken to a number of women about this one of the things that i have a problem with now that i've that i'm kind of far removed enough from the incident and having some more time to kind of reflect back i wish that i had been put to sleep during that initial operation.

10:36So I was awake for over three hours in an operating theater on a table, watching myself be operated on, feeling every shaky hand, the tools, the facial expressions, seeing the blood splatter everywhere, all over the floor, seeing my partner sat next to me, turning to him every 15 seconds, asking whether I was still alive, like really witnessing what I believed was dying without any reassurance because everybody's busy. You know, they're working to like fight to save my life and to operate. So that was, that was, that was, is weird because I think that being awake for that has contributed to part of my PTSD.

11:18And this is when you were pregnant with Leo, you were giving birth to Leo, right? Yeah. So this was on the 15th of November, 2021, when I gave birth to Leo, my son, who's now two and a half. And, you know, I kind of call it the best and the worst day of my life. I, there were a lot of things that went wrong. um and i really yeah i you know i really wanted to have a c-section because i i think you know your body don't you i mean obviously you've got to trust that medical professionals also know what's best for you it's a there's a it's a really awkward position to be in i basically had no experience within the medical field i'd i don't think i'd ever actually stepped foot into a hospital before and why would you know what's going on no and i like i'm someone that you know know, I didn't even take medication.

12:11I think I've taken paracetamol like twice in my life and now I've pumped through so much. But I, yeah, I really, really wanted to have a C-section and I made that quite clear in a lot of my midwife appointments, but I was constantly sitting around the houses. There was a lack of continuity of care. So I was faced with a lot of different people when I was having these kind of early pregnancy conversations. And, um, and you know, I'm not like, I used to, the old Louise definitely was a bit of a pushover, you know, a bit of a people pleaser. I was a bit of a nodded dog. And I didn't know how to advocate for myself properly.

12:44I then felt like I was, every time I had one of these appointments, I slightly felt like I was back at school speaking to a teacher. Wow. I never thought of it like that because you're just being told certainly. So, so just so I get this straight, right? Cause so you fall pregnant with Leo, you start going to, you've had a miscarriage before as well. So quite rightly, you're nervous about this whole situation because you're pregnant again and you've experienced this before. You start going to the hospital, you go to the NHS and you're doing it through that. And you're going into these medical situations and these doctors and nurses are just telling you, telling you what's going on.

13:25And you're going, okay, fine. And you're just going with it because they're the professional. And... Well, it's not that they're telling you. They are... Yes. I mean, I was repeatedly encouraged to have a home birth, a water birth at home, because I was low risk and had always been someone that was kind of the poster girl. Not that they necessarily knew that. I don't think any of them looked at me and knew who I was, but they - You were healthy, you were fine. But I was healthy, fine. You know, I'd done the cover of Women's Health. I was working out five times a day and I'm young and I'm kind of able-bodied.

14:00And people looked at me and thought, you're low risk. Yeah, you're a perfect candidate for a home birth. And I don't know whether it was a kind of box ticking exercise, but I'd never considered that in my life. Like I don't know anyone that's had a home birth personally. I know, obviously, I've seen people that have on Instagram. It's not something that ever, that I ever felt that I was interested in. Ever. And you're right. I was actually, I was, it was, it wasn't an easy time for me because I did suffer with pretty bad anxiety having had a miscarriage. And I know that it's something that's so common and it's so good that people are, women are speaking up about it so much now and actually men too.

14:39That's what Ryan really struggled after we had the miscarriage. And one of the things that he actually struggled with was the fact that no one ever asked him how he was, like ever, no one, no one ever asked. but we um yeah so it was the pregnancy was like fraught with anxiety and but I yeah and so there were things that I that I did to try and get through like I had a kind of a WhatsApp group with myself called Smiley and I would track everything that I was going through so you know whether I would feel a kick or whether if I'd eaten something that made me feel bad or or like you know just things Wow that's so sweet I knew you'd like that I love that but do you know why it was actually called smiley because you know when you pee on a pregnancy stick you either get actually it was the ovulation sticks where you get a smiley face if you're ovulating And so you would have your little own diary that you would track the entire time and so during the pregnancy you would be going okay I've just eaten avocado that made me feel a bit weird I probably shouldn't eat avocado at this time is that so you would have your own track thing so you could go back on and look at it.

15:49Yeah, it definitely was useful. It's quite interesting now looking back and one of the things actually that's really horrendous was that I'd actually written to myself a note on there saying that I was worried that I was going to die in childbirth, which obviously is really scary, that I felt so unconfident with where I was at in terms of my birthing plan, that I was really actually fearing for my life even before I got into the operating theatre. just so I understand you know and I want to give sort of context to the listeners you said before you were living at your mum's house because you were renovating your house you have anxiety because you've already had a miscarriage and that's really upsetting there's a fire at your mum's house when you guys are sleeping there so that's a bit of anxiety that's a huge amount of anxiety so there's a lot of sort of anxiety going on and do you know what's funny is also God that was awful fuck Man, it's just what the...

16:48Honestly, what the fuck? What the fuck? Jesus! I'm going to win the lottery this week. I'm putting my ticket in. Who wants to come in with me? Here we go, baby. So you're pregnant. If you're a smoker or vaper ready to make a change, you really only need one good reason. But with Zinn Nicotine Pouches, you'll discover many good reasons. Zinn is America's number one nicotine pouch brand. Plus, Zinn offers a robust rewards program. There are lots of options when it comes to nicotine satisfaction, but there's only one Zinn. Check out Zinn.com slash find to find Zinn at a store near you. Warning, this product contains nicotine.

17:31Nicotine is an addictive chemical. The market's uncertain. Revenue's tied and hiring on hold. That's why results-driven companies are using Upwork to keep work moving. Go to Upwork.com today and start hiring proven freelance talent fast. No bulky overhead. No rigid long-term contracts. Just the right expert right when you need them. Work smarter and faster with Upwork. Go to Upwork.com now and find your freelance expert. That's U-P-W-O-R-K.com. Post a job for free and get started today. Hello, everyone. We're Jamie and Sophie. You may remember us from nearlyweds and then newlyweds. But now, guys, things are about to get even wilder as we take on our biggest adventure yet, becoming parents.

18:15Yeah, that's right. Newlyweds is now Nearly Parents, and we're bringing you the same honest, heartwarming takes on our journey to parenthood, I guess. Join us as we find out what it really means to become a family while trying not to kill each other. Get ready for Nearly Parents, your favourite new podcast.

18:37I'm living with Ryan, you're living at your mum's, you're renovating the house. You are how many weeks pregnant at this point? I think I'm about a month out from giving birth. So you're at a really critical time. You're nervous, you're sending yourself WhatsApp messages to the group smiley because you're just like conscious thing. Your whole plan for birth hasn't really been sorted. So you're up, so there's a lot of anxiety going on. And what, you're lying in bed at night and what happens? So Ryan and I actually had had a bit of, I won't go into details of this, but we'd had like a bit of a, like a fight that day.

19:06And I, we were, we, we actually, it was so odd as well. We decided to sleep in separate rooms at my mom's house that night. And I was really struggling with like breathing because of the pregnancy was so uncomfortable at the end because the Leo was, it was just, I'm really small. And it was, he was like right up in my lungs. So I really, really, it's really actually it's hard work to get out. I was, exhausted and I was really struggling to sleep and breathe. And this is going to sound really far-fetched. It's just so much. It's so much. What the hell? We've had just surely, like surely we've evolved to make this easier.

19:47Well, I think people generally are getting taller. It's not really happened to us. No, no, not me. I'm 5 '9 on a good deal. I'm 5 '0. Evolution is not right to my favour. so you're in separate beds yeah and so we slept in separate rooms and i'd pretty much just got to sleep and it was about 11 p.m and my mom actually like rare occasion but had gone out for dinner and so when the fire alarm went off i kind of just assumed that she'd set it off and that she'd come back home so for that like split second moment i kind of got out of bed and thought oh no it's nothing and like sat back down and then within yeah within seconds i was like oh my like oh my god this is this is like there's there's a fire because you could smell it because this yeah you can smell it it's like a putrid like poisonous smell and also the smoke moves so quickly i'd never i mean i've just never experienced anything like this before and this is a house that obviously i'd spent you know six months in and i knew it really well but the smoke was so dense that i that you know i couldn't actually see my hand in front of me we said the whole house yeah full of smoke really really really quickly so I ran downstairs and I was petrified then that this was going to harm my unborn child so I ran outside and I was wearing just a t-shirt like a baggy t-shirt and some pants and ran off into the into the street and was just screaming and I didn't know where you know Ryan and my mum went outside at that point and also my dogs were downstairs and they were sleeping in crates.

21:28So they were like shut in them. And yeah, I was honestly just stood on the street in the dark, you know, very vulnerable, really, really pregnant and like half naked, just shouting for people to help. So every, you know, and the neighbors and everybody ran outside and we managed to get out and, and I, and I kind of, I went into shock. Um, yeah. And And then we had an ambulance came in and the fire engines. And we were just sort of watching the whole thing. What caused it? Do you know? So it was a wine cooler that exploded in her basement. Freak accident. Freak accident. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy actually how all of this stuff has happened.

22:16Yeah. Horrible. and and I guess that was my first experience really being in the hospital and kind of being monitored how is how's your anxiety at this point because this is this is my I'm no therapist at all but this is my take from it right you you're you know there's a lot going on you're you're feeling nervous it's just you're feeling man it's just a lot you've had your you've had a miscarriage you're pregnant, this fire then happens you come out, you're in shock and you're four weeks away from giving birth? Exactly I was behaving weirdly and actually I think my brain was slightly dissociating What do you mean weirdly?

22:59Well, everything just felt quite surreal to be honest so suddenly we were at my dad's flat it was all not out of choice I was going into this period in time where I was going to have a baby. I felt suddenly really unprepared. Like we didn't have any of the stuff. Um, I didn't have any security or like confidence around, you know, how I was going to give birth because I couldn't, couldn't really get through to the hospital. And I, so I just remember going out like shopping one day and just roaming around Victoria, going to like a Zara and just being, feeling like a zombie and just throwing, cause I didn't have any stuff.

23:38Like I didn't have clothes. So I just was throwing these weird clothes over my arm thinking, I need some clothes. I don't really know why I'm buying these clothes because soon, you know, and I've got this, this, this body that's now massive. So I don't know what I'm buying because I won't even, am I like, I guess in a, in a bit of time, like I might be back in my house. Will I have access to stuff? My body might be smaller. Like I just, I just didn't know what to expect from like the next couple of weeks. And I remember feeling really detached and just feeling like, I don't know. I don't really know where I am.

24:10I've never been to this shop before. I don't know this area. It was just, it was a lot to go through feeling so immobile at the, at the end of a pregnancy, which is a really, yeah, a vulnerable time for a woman anyway, when you're going through so much. Did you feel at that time? Cause you know, what you're describing as well, Weez, which this is, I've, we've spoken about this before, right? is when you start to disassociate, depersonalization, disassociation, which is, I experienced that. And I don't think to an extreme which you had, but well, maybe I did. I've told you, I've said this story, but I'll say, I'll tell you again, is 27 years old.

24:46And it was like, the only way I describe it is that I had just been dealing with obviously just internal anxiety for so long. And suddenly it was like a filter came over my eyes. And I was like, what the hell is this? And I felt like I didn't exist. I felt like I was floating above my own body. And I felt that the only thing which I thought was happening is that I had gone mad. Yeah. And I thought I'd gone mad. And I know I've gone mad, but no one else knows I've gone mad. And this is it. And I'm losing my mind. And nothing was real. Yeah. I was autopilot the entire time. That's a word that I like to use a lot.

25:25It's autopilot. You're just doing things. You're getting, on the outside, you might look like you're surviving. but you're not having a rational thought at all because every second you're going, I'm going crazy. I'm going crazy. I'm, I'm, I'm not in this realm. And it's, it's exactly that. I, the first time I experienced it properly post all of the medical trauma, I was sat outside a, like a coffee shop on my road. And Ryan had mentioned that our business partner was going to come and visit and come and join us. And then an ambulance went past and the siren must've just clicked something in my head.

26:00And from that moment, I was in that other realm. Everything was through a filter. You're really detached. And you see everyone else's living their normal life. You're like, I want to jump back into that world. And it's really scary. It's so scary. Oh, wheeze. I just feel like I cannot, I just want, I cannot imagine. Okay. Like firstly, just, I was Single-ish I was living in an apartment That I had To pay a little mortgage on but not really I had no baby I just had to worry About surviving You have everything You have your whole life You're pregnant You've got your fiancé You've got your home life You've got your businesses You've got everything going on And yet this is happening to you I just don't, for anyone who's gone through disassociation, just depersonalization to deal with that and with everything else.

26:58It's just, it's impossible. There's nothing, that's the really tough thing about it is there's nothing that you can click your, you can't click your way out of it. There's no easy solution. One of the things that I've learned, it's actually one of the reasons I wrote the book, because one of the only things I could do was sit kind of in the state of paralysis almost and just write and hope that my brain then would find safety in what I was writing as I was explaining, you know, typing out how I was feeling, that it would latch onto some kind of security and it would kind of fade away. Or I would just have to do something like really manual.

27:33So kind of build something or just go through like the mechanisms. I would actually, I got to a point where, because it was so, this is, this is obviously like a little bit later in the recovery, which was as things got less distressing, but I would then choose to do something that I really hated or really didn't want to do because my rationale being, well, this is wasted life for me anyway, because I'm not living. I feel detached. So I know this is not me living a life. So I'll do something that's really horrible and a task that I don't want to have to do, because then at least I'm pushing that into the time when I'm not rationally thinking.

28:09but but yeah I think as you mentioned with the the time in my life for it to happen was was it couldn't really have been any worse trying to be a new parent and I was going through so much change anyway moving into a new into a into our home that we'd renovated but there wasn't finished. And I just, yeah, the hard thing for me was that my brain basically, when I left the hospital had forgotten my old life. I was so in this state of survival that I couldn't remember anything about my life. So all I could remember was hospital notes, a hospital bed lying there and finding safety then in that environment.

28:56So then when I came home and I didn't have really any memories in my home in this kind of new way that it was because it had been changed. My brain just went, I don't know. I don't recognize this life, Louise. Like, I don't know. I don't know that I've got a child. I don't know. It just, it just shut everything out. And then you do have those, those petrifying thoughts where you think, okay, this is it. Like I've gone completely crazy. I don't, I've got dementia. I, I, I'm just not, I'm just not myself.

29:31You then go to hospital and this is the real sort of moment where just things really were tough, where you go and give birth to Leo and you are adamant that you want a C-section. You want a C-section because you know your body and you understand it and you feel like Leo's quite big and you just know that it's going to be quite hectic and things like that. And it really doesn't go to plan. no um i had in the end i like resigned my fate resigned to fate and um yeah i went into labor on my due date which i guess i i actually kind of again like instinctually i just kind of i kind of knew it was going to happen and me and sam were both born on our um on our due dates so prompt So prompt.

30:22So prompt. Always on time. That's one thing about me. Now we're going to struggle. Don't worry. I'll be on time. Yeah, yeah. I'll be on time. Even if it's going to be bad, I'll be there. I'll be on time. I was there. Leah was there. We were there. Ready to go. And it just, I guess it kind of went from, it was really tricky from the outset. He was back to back. So his kind of. What does that mean? Well, it means that his, so he was head down, which I guess they would say is engaged. So kind of in the right position for childbirth. But the optimum is that their, their face is facing inward. So their face is facing your back, your spine.

31:01But he was the other way around, which meant that he was, it was kind of, he was like grinding against my spine and it was incredibly painful. How big is he? Well, he ended up being seven pounds, which is pretty bang on average, but for - You're so little. but I'm so small. So his head got stuck in my pelvis and there were a number of things that weren't right. So, you know, it took a really long time for them to give me an epidural and there's a window of tolerance and it was outside of that. They couldn't get it in. Then they tried different people. And so I was in excruciating pain for a really long time.

31:35They broke my waters and there was my conium in the waters, which is a sign of fetal distress. So it should have been escalated. What's that again? I'm just going to ask you because I just teach me. Teach me, yeah. And actually, I really want to educate because at some point, I guess like you and Sophie might want to like start a family. And we're thinking about it, right? And I want to know all these things. So, so what micro in the... Myconium is, is, is like, is the baby's poo. Okay. So they've, they've pooed inside you. It's pretty ridiculous actually. Yeah. And then, and if that... But that happens, right?

32:03Not, it's when the whole kind of in the buildup to like childbirth, if it's, it's not good because they can then... Poison's large. Yeah, they like breathe it in so then they can get a like a chest infection. Yeah. And also then you can get infections and yeah, you can both get sort of sepsis and it just is not good. But there was no escalation of anything, even though that had happened. and the whole time throughout all this, I was just feeling worse and worse and worse physically, mentally. And I had a couple of junior doctors that would come in and try to just encourage me to keep going. And I was saying to everybody, I need to have a C-section as my temperature's going up they are treating me for sepsis at this point and i it wasn't until 8 a.m um the following day when they have a shift change that consultant came in and tried to kind of manually get the baby out as i should say leo but it's better actually for me to kind of detach leo from it because i don't associate him with a childbirth so if i often refer to the baby it's not me being unsensitive it's just that you know leo is my leo now and like this wasn't good it's your journey You do whatever you want.

33:18Thank you. A hundred percent. Don't feel like you need to defend yourself ever. It really like, do you. Yeah. Whatever makes you feel good and makes you feel happy and is right for your family. You do you. A hundred percent. Fuck everyone else. Yeah. A hundred percent. Fuck everyone else. Like ignore that noise. It doesn't matter. This is you. I know. I know. It's not, it's, it's, of course it's not. It's not about other people. Um, yeah. And then they couldn't get him out. So we went to theatre and by that point, then everything had kind of got to the stage where it was then. An emergency needed to be turned around really quickly.

33:55And yeah, and unfortunately it was, you know, a C-section typically lasts, I think like 30 minutes it can be done in. And my operation was over three hours, which is really a significant amount of time to be lying there awake. And there's just so much blood loss and I didn't know what was happening. And, you know, there are still things to this day that I wake up and think, oh, I think I'm ready to like write that list of questions and get even more answers. But one of the explanations I've had is that instead of, there should just be a sort of an incision across the front that they can pull the baby out of.

34:38But I believe that my whole uterus basically like snapped. And so then it was a real kind of fix up job. Yeah. And one of the hardest things during that operation as well was the moment where I had a bit of temporary hope because Ryan, I honestly thought I was going to give up. I was sort of fighting to stay awake because I just was worried that what might happen to me if I shut my eyes ever, that I might just give up. When you're in that situation, you think you're dying. What does it feel like? Well, in that moment, I was, I was, I guess like the little energy that I had was looking around the room, absorbing any bit of information I could cling onto and think, okay, someone's face, like the name of like a blood platelet thing, like trying to figure out like, okay, what can I do with all of this stuff that I'm absorbing right now to try and survive?

35:31Like, you just track back through everything you've ever remembered in your life. And you think, how can I, how can I get through this how can i survive like every instance is saying like i just need to keep here and keep alive then and then and then when i did get moved onto a trolley i actually thought that i had died and i because i didn't basically i just my whole body was just moved and plonked onto a metal trolley and i didn't recognize anyone in the room at that point and like the transition into that place just all feels really blurry but when i was um so when i had a me and they call it like a massive obstetric hemorrhage which is which is when so uh a week ish after i gave birth when i was sent home i then had like a major major hemorrhage at home where i lost i had like blood basically pouring out of me and i then had to get an ambulance back in and that was that was actually more significant because obviously there was quite a long period of time then before even getting into the, well, when I say long period of time, it feels like a long period of time before then getting back into theater.

36:37And that, that I lost five and a half liters of blood. So I've probably someone of my size has maybe got three liters. So all the blood in my body and just, you know, keeping on pouring horrible. And then, and then, and then I like, I really thought, okay, this is it. And I thought, I can't believe that my family are going to cry every day for the rest of their life because I'm not going to be here. I can't believe that I wasted so much time working and also building, you know, doing this renovation and I'm never going to get to live there. What was the point? It was really sad. I, you know, I know, yeah, of course I thought about my family a lot and I was on my own in those moments because Ryan wasn't allowed through the double doors having kind of been, once I was like taken off the ambulance and there's actually nothing worse than that.

37:24And I, you know, my heart really goes out to anybody that lost anybody during the COVID time because nobody should ever have to go through that alone. It's, it's, it's not okay. But in the end, yeah, with, with that, that was arguably like more, more serious. I, I did then go to this and they did put me to sleep. And I was begging to be put to sleep at that point because I was in so much torture in my head. And I, I, it's really hard to, to explain like how you actually feel in that moment. But it just felt like it just, it was torture. Like it just felt like I had like poison in my head and I, and I didn't want to witness it anymore.

38:04Like to be flooded full of that much existential fear. I was begging this one lady, put me to sleep, put me to sleep, put me to sleep, put me to sleep. Cause I wanted it to end. And at that point I then really didn't care if I, if I died or not, I just wanted it to all be over. And, And then I woke up in intensive care and that was sort of the beginning of a long journey of recovery, really. Weeds, I mean, man, I'm so sorry. It's mad, isn't it? It is so mad. And I'm sure people can relate when you're just like, in the sense of like, you're just like, you want a moment of relief. Yeah. I just don't want, this is just what, what's going on?

38:51Just put me to sleep. I just don't want it. I don't, I can't handle it. Like I can't live in this moment. I can't live in this moment. And I suppose like when I've had some PTSD flashbacks, I then can be doing something completely normal at home and then re-experiencing that feeling out of nowhere. And there have been times then when I've said, I just want to bash my head into a wall or you have to take me back into hospital so they can put me to sleep because like sleep is the only break that you get or just being out, like gone. Just take it away. Do you know what's so impressive is how much of a fighter you are?

39:24Your resilience. That is, and I was going to say it at the beginning because if we go back to Made in Chelsea times, right? Just for a brief second. You were so resilient on that. As much as you cried and as much as you, and we all, it was, what people don't realize about Made in Chelsea or reality TV in general is it's very heavy on the soul. Yeah. Holy smokes. and you dealt with a lot on it, like we all did, but you particularly dealt with a lot. I was an idiot. I don't know why I dated everybody. I couldn't say no. I just went, okay, and then I'll fall in love with you and then you'll break up with me and cheat and then I'll be crying for another month.

40:03I just love love. I just love love. But even on that show, you were so resilient. I remember just thinking how resilient you were on it. Did you think that? I swear to God. Did you? And I'm not saying to butter you up or to, you're always so resilient. Yeah, because you just got through it. And I'm pretty resilient. You're very resilient as well. Yeah, I just get through it. And I always was like, you're resilient. You can just get through it. And we complain and things like that. You just get through it. And I honestly truly think the reason why you survived this is because of your resilience.

40:36Because you, as much as you, you just didn't give up. I know, and I really wanted to give up. You were, throughout the whole thing, there were, not through the whole thing, but there was, you were very open on social media. And I thought that was amazing. It was incredible that you were doing that, that you were doing that. I had, when I was so anxious and feeling fucking awful. I found relief in talking to strangers because it was too close to talk to friends or family. I couldn't do it. But talking to strangers, they felt like there was no judgment for some reason. And I could tell all of my secrets to these strangers.

41:16And that's what I found. Did you have that? I feel exactly that, Jay. It's so weird, isn't it? Why is that? Also, I suppose there's something in like with every relationship you already have that exists. There's something that's triggering in that. Because even, you know, having the conversations with people that you love, like close family and friends, there might have been a moment in time when something has happened. It's a completely fresh perspective, isn't it? Talking to somebody that's new. And also you don't have to have the ongoing relationships. There's no commitment. You don't have to pick it up or continue it.

41:53You can share and then you know, like, actually that's done. Like I don't, because, you know, going through suffering with the debilitating anxiety is so exhausting. Like you can't, you don't really, when you're in a really bad way, you don't have a lot of like space or capacity for relationships or, you know, with other people. There's no room, like Ryan and I barely had a conversation in the first six months postpartum because we just didn't have, with the amount of suffering we were going through individually, we just didn't have. And I guess that's the thing about strangers is that you don't have to commit.

42:25You don't have to continue. You perfectly worded that. It's so true. You can say your bit and then you can move and there's no... Because I think one of the things when I saw you, and one of the things you said which was so amazing is that you forget the impact on your partner. And as much as, you know, your book Lucky, which is going to help so many people and so many amazing, and it's your story and what happens, and I'm sure you touch on lots of things in it, and I know you do, and it's incredible. You give birth to Leo, and you'd speak about it in your book and you've spoken about it here.

42:57You would call Leo the baby because you can't, it's too much to be attached to this thing. You're triggered all the time. You didn't change Leo's nappy for six weeks or something like that because you couldn't do it. You know, breastfeeding wasn't comfortable. So many things you were dealing with. And so your partner, Ryan. Had to be there. Has to be, has to step up. And Ryan is someone that, he's really good with kids. Like he's got younger nieces and nephews and he's amazing with them. And he's actually super sensitive. But Ryan wasn't like super, super, you know, he wasn't attending all the NCT classes.

43:31What's NCT, do I know? So that's like a kind of while you're pregnant, you can do these classes where you learn about like the basics of how to look after a baby. And then also some pregnancy stuff. So yeah, I mean, I knew like a little bit. Ryan didn't know that much. And he was fully thrown in at the deep end because he basically... pretty much lost his partner. And that must've been really, really scary for him because he was then, he was basically like the caregiver for Leo and also for me. He had to be my voice. And yeah, so it was really, really, really traumatic for him. And it's something that I'm only really realizing now.

44:09And it's taken me two years to get to a place where I'm actually able to like think about someone else's point of view. And now I'm really like, wow, I'm realizing the effect that it's had on all of my members of my family and actually how amazing they've been. Because when you're in the thick of it and you're so depressed and so confused, you're basically triggered by everything. So like someone doing something not quite right is like, oh my gosh, it becomes like a cataclysmic problem. And I - It's confusing for them. It's confusing for them because no one gets it. No one gets it. So out of nowhere, I would be like at home lying on the sofa and suddenly I'd have this awful like sensory flashback where I would just then start pacing and shouting and going, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying.

44:59What's happening to me? And think actually, and I've never, I mean, that's, I can't even imagine what that must be like for Ryan. He would, he wouldn't. And it was, it was a large chunk of time. like he I would just be lying in this one spot in the corner of this room and he and I kind of at the time I thought you know there's a period in time I thought I can't believe he kind of just left me in there wasn't like constantly hand-holding but he had to look after the baby next door like he had to do that he would come in light some incense or something in the room and I would just I just had like days where I basically was staring into space like blank Oh my God.

45:40Yeah, it's really, I almost struggle to think about it because, yeah, it's really dark and, you know, and I'll obviously like never get that time back with my baby. It's really sad. It's also like. It's okay. It's okay, man. It's okay. Yeah, it's so okay, buddy. Like a hundred percent. You kidding me? and now, you know, like the light, the shaders, we, I do think like, because, okay, you know, it's for Ryan to say, but there were definitely times where we shouldn't have stayed together and we were close to not staying together. I'm so glad that we fought to get through it because now I do think that we will be indestructible.

46:28I'm not sure what would be able to break us up. Like, I just don't think. I don't think anything's going to touch us. I don't think anything else is going to happen, by the way. Let's touch all the wood here.

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48:21Louise, I keep being fed clips of Made in Chelsea at the moment. I love that it's just having this resurgence. Hello. Wow, was I an arsehole. I got fed one about me and Sophie, my wife, where she's like saying, you slept with her in the morning and then me in the evening. And I go, did I? I'm just like... That you've forgotten. I'm like, I've forgotten. Like, I've forgotten that next morning. Do you look back at that time and miss it? Did you love it? Like, love, hate. I think now that enough time has passed, I look back on it really fondly and I'm like, I think I miss it. Like it was actually really good, but it was really like hard at the time.

49:05Just being like constantly the abuse that we would get online. I remember, I remember we kissed at a cricket ground. This was, I sure was our first kiss. And I remember I was very early to it. I didn't really understand what was going on. And the producers took me and they're like, you should kiss her. And I was like, why does she doesn't want to? and they were like no no I think little did I know that they were like you gotta kiss them so messed up so messed up do you remember that picture we had to kiss like as someone walked past it was at a party like a party that we filmed and then you're like in the weirdest pose ever you look like a velociraptor no it's your arms are like this and you're going like this like a Dementor that I'm sucking your soul out yeah yeah that's what it looks like We had quite a free-see trip as well.

49:58We don't need to go there. Wait, as in going to Norway? Yeah, Norway. Okay, I've got to say this. If you're a big MIC fan, we went to Norway and it was probably one of the most outrageous trips ever. We filmed out there to see the Northern Lights. The whole cast and crew, I think were the drunkest anyone's ever been in their entire life. I think I bought the bar. How do you feel about it? Look, it had its ups and downs. You had to be freaking resilient and it was tough. But we have got so much out of it. We had the best time ever. And would I do it all again? Yeah, I think I would. Would you do it all again?

50:36Like go back in time. I wouldn't not do it because I'm happy with where I'm at now in life. And actually, yeah, we have so much to be thankful for, which is crazy because at the time you're like, you guys are ruining our lives. And now, you know, they didn't. But I do want to say this, is that 200 and something people have been an MIC cast. I think it's like 200 people I think maybe not that many maybe I'm over but it's definitely 100 like there's probably 100 cast members right and not many people achieve things afterwards in terms of this entertainment they achieve other things personally or in business or stuff like this but continue this world of entertainment because it's very hard and there are a select few who probably have done that you know you've been probably you're like and I'm one of them I've got a pretty big business and I've got several podcasts and we should probably end it there so on me but it's true but you've had to work we've all had to work incredibly hard because being a reality star you straight away are Marmite you liked you're hated it's like not always the easiest label to get on with do you look back at any things that were cringe because the worst thing for me was when the producers told me to open a door and Jamie no not Jamie Spencer turned up in this car and I think it was can't wait can't wait said Louise you need to say, hey, nice wheels.

51:54And I actually, and I fucking did it. It was right at the beginning. I literally opened the door and went, hey, nice wheels. I was a puppet. I was honestly like patting the hands. I was the best. I mean, they just swung with me. You were the greatest. Because I mean, still to this day, and the last thing I'll mention on it, because it just was a fun time for you and I, and it was just great. But still, honestly, the iconic scene. You and Spencer were on the bridge. And it's just nuts. It just does the rounds occasionally. Because I was off social media for quite a long time after having Leo. I didn't see any of the hype around it.

52:32But then someone, because I'm a huge, I love like reality TV. Love it. And I love Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And Carl Richards spoke about the scene, the bridge scene. And she was calling him an arsehole. I was like, yeah, cheers. Yeah, I fucking made it. You know, you've had this experience recently, which you very bravely came out on social media. Yeah. God, I even forgot about it for a second. Yeah. You're like, what's he talking about? But you did. And, um, and I want to get, it's, it's a stoma bag. Yeah. And you speak about how the fact that you think your antidepressants that you were taking, because you were fueled with so many different things, led you to having your bowels, you were constantly going to the bathroom, you constantly needed to go and take a poo and all these different things.

53:16And this has led to the situation that you're in now. Is that right? So I'll, I'll, I'll, um, you probably explained. Yeah, I'll explain. I don't know why I'm telling your story for you. That's good. Maybe what's the only way the story is come to me. Come to me and then listen to me. And then listen to me. I'll tell your story for you. So, yeah, so I was, I was diagnosed with an inflammatory bowel disease about six years ago and it was fine. It would never really impacted my life. It was very like low, low grade. And I'd like occasionally took some medication for it, but it didn't have an impact on my standard of living at all.

53:49and then yeah post-childbirth everything there was just like a concoction of everything I think like the drugs I was on as you mentioned the antidepressants I was on antipsychotics I was on a real like cocktail I think I just had like there was so much going on with my physiology so the hormones postpartum and also maybe like you know I'd had like all these blood products and just a lot like infiltrating such a small body um and the trauma as well and like the stress is obviously like the main thing that causes ulcers so well yeah my immune system went crazy and basically started um yeah attacking the lining of my colon and i did have a like a flare-up so i was losing a lot of blood and i was going to the loo yeah and pooing myself out i can't i don't know you know if i don't laugh i'll cry and i've got a laugh but i yeah laugh or cry honestly together at the same time i'm in i'm totally i've cried on this before i've laughed on this before let's go I'm in with you dude Poo Yeah I'll poo with you You love talking about Vams and stuff I shit all the time Let's go for it Come on I'm with you All the way in this So let's go 100 % So yeah it was It was embarrassing Except it wasn't Because I was so All over the shop mentally That I didn't really care So I was out and about And I would just Like I would have These accidents And my family were like This is really bad Like you can't live Your life like this So we need to do Something about it So I did Manage to get on the phone And I just remember like, I just, I could like, I could hardly string a sentence together, but I, yeah, we kind of escalated to the gastro team.

55:27And then it was like more going in and out of the hospital and I managed to get treated. And this is, this is like sort of three, four months postpartum to maybe 10 months postpartum. I then, yeah, I ended up being hospitalized and I, they, they actually managed to stop the problem with some, some medical treatments, so drugs. and and then i had a period where i was actually okay for a year and then kind of around the back end of last year i started getting bad again and it's just the nature of the beast with these inflammatory bowel diseases that it's their chronic so you do it you can have periods of remission but then you'll have a flare-up where the symptoms get bad again so it's you're kind of like riding this wave of good and bad and i thought you know what i've ridden the wave before I'll get better because I have every other time and it's not led to anything really really destructive and um it was it was too bad like I couldn't fight it and I went away at the beginning of this year because I really wanted to have a good January because I had two really bad I think I deserve it I think I think I think it's time for me to take a little break from this thing I might take a holiday.

56:39Let's go and have some chill time. Which ended up being a nightmare. Because I was back in hospital third year on a trot. It's actually, it's a joke at this point. Because you went to the Caribbean, didn't you? I went to the Caribbean with my dad. It's quite far as well. I'm just going to take a 14 hour flight all the way across the world. But you were in so much pain, weren't you? You said you were in so much pain. But the thing is, is Jay, I'd been through so much. I was like, I really, I'm so resilient now that nothing will touch the surface because the birth trauma was so bad that I don't care about the battles.

57:17Like I, it's a ridiculous thing to say, but I honestly, it's like, I, I genuinely believe I can get through anything. So you were just gritting your teeth and just getting through this? Yeah, massively. My God, man. And, and yeah. And then I was going to the loo like all night and just, I mean, honestly, just a lot, losing a lot of blood, a lot. I didn't understand actually where it could all be coming from. So I flew back early and ended up in A &E and then spent a couple of weeks. I spent a week basically in hospital where they tried to manage things through drugs and it just wasn't improving the problem.

57:55And the bloods were kind of trending in the wrong direction. My body wasn't really absorbing nutrients properly. And then that's actually when the pain started getting really bad. So I kind of gave in and had the surgery. I just, I didn't really have any fight left in me. And, um, I was, I was much stronger mentally going into it, but I, I just, I thought like, I can't do this anymore. And I'm in, yeah, I'm in like a really triggering place for me. I'm back in the hospital and the, you know, you're witnessing things that are just so, it's like being, it's like going on holiday, like to Mars, being in a hospital, spending time there, just all of the things you witness it's so alien unless you work in that field i just wanted to get out basically there are people that have inflammatory bowel diseases that are they don't want to have the surgery and sometimes they'll spend months in hospital because they'd rather do that and they'd rather be just keep like pushing and try new meds and stuff and try to get through but i thought like i need to get out of here like i don't want to be here any longer yeah and i want to get home to my son and if if the surgery is going to be the ticket out then like yeah do it and it was it was it was rough like i was really ill like i couldn't move i couldn't talk like the pain is i get why people like again don't want to live when you're in that like i mean the pain is like unimaginable even on like fentanyl and every like concoction of everything it was so bad because you know and i was encouraged to get out of bed because it's good it's good for recovery but awful jay um yeah but but really i think that like the people i had like around me at that time my family you know we developed a bit of like we we kind of knew how to run this drill at this point as well we know what's going on we know what's going on we know who to speak to right sam you're in a position okay like my dad in the food Okay, here we go, right.

1:00:06My mum's taken my arm. Yeah, yeah, we're all ready. Here we go, team. Yeah. You're like the sort of transformer team together. They just sort of transform out of everything. You're ready to go because you've been here before. It's amazing. That's exactly it. It's amazing. It's amazing. Yeah, because in the work, do you know what? In times of crisis, it brings you so close to one another. Yeah. And you know who your team is. And they got your back. I'm so lucky to have them. Yeah, you got your back. So we got out. And now it sort of all feels like a bit of a dream. And the bag thing obviously is just, it's just, it's kind of, it's inconsequential because I feel okay.

1:00:41And I felt so ill for so long that having like a gray bag attached to me, it just is, it's, I really have never been less faced about something in my life. Wow. How insane is that? And that is resilience from the previous experiences I've been through. Because this would have bothered me a lot before when I was doing all my like women's healthy stuff. Body, body, body, look at me flipping abs. And now, I mean, I just, I can't even like imagine being that person. Do you think, and on your book, Lucky, do you think you've written this? Because you wanted to get down everything in your head on to be, but also, as you said, you just, you want, as you said, people to pick it up.

1:01:23and I love the little thing you said which I want to be that sort of beacon of hope almost for people who don't, can't turn to anyone they don't know where they're going and that's, why do, from your own words why did you want to write it and why do you want people to read it? I think it is just that it's about, it's just giving people hope even if they haven't necessarily been through the exact series of events that I've been through it's knowing that there is just the light at the end of the tunnel so to keep moving and yeah I mean there's obviously an element of it too that's helped me hugely just being it for from like the processing standpoint to get everything I've been through like down on paper and just you know because it goes back to your smiley whatsapp I feel it does yeah and I've always been someone that likes to share yeah and it kind of feels like nice and quite like full circle and then I can just come to the end and I can go.

1:02:21And even now that I know it's coming out this week, I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. There was, you know, I wasn't ready to share what really happened to me at all at the beginning. And I was so, and it's taken such a long time to actually figure out like how to navigate it sensitively as well, knowing that most of our followers are, a lot of them are like females of childbearing age. Like I don't want to just go in and like scare people all the time. So I thought I'll put it into something which people can like digest reasonably easily with a trigger warning in there and they can choose to read it or not.

1:02:57And then I don't have to constantly kind of like, I don't have to, I won't be forever answering the questions as well. Completely.

1:03:12I've got eight questions to give you as well but can I just say I really adore you I adore you too Jay we've got so much flipping history yeah we have so much history together I know we don't see each other that much but well hopefully now we will in the next chapter yeah but also just doesn't matter I see you and it's exactly the same and we don't need to see each other all the time or message all the time but I do want you to know that I'm always, always around, always looking in and always seeing how you're doing and always supporting you from the sideline. Just because what you have achieved and what you've got through and having come from a place which is so minor compared to yours, but I understand that sort of the mental strain on things.

1:03:52It's just insane. So I just, you're great. Thank you. You ready for your questions? I think, I don't know. Okay, we'll just fire them out. What's a saying or phrase that makes you smile or cheers you up? Oh, okay. Well then I think of something that Leo said. Yeah, there you go. Mummy poo poo. There you go. He says it a lot. There you go. He's obsessed with, he's as obsessed with Poo as I am. There you go. There you go. Okay. Best compliment anyone's ever given you? My mum. Yeah. During this tough time, she turned to me and said,

1:04:32I really struggle with saying really nice things about myself. Stop it. Say it. So I'm going to say you're one of the strongest people I know. No, no, no. She actually said you're the strongest person I know. Say that one more time. My, my, my mom, my mom turned to me when I was, you know, like a really, really tough time and said to me that you are the strongest person I know. And I, and I like, I really like, I looked like her in the eye and, and I like, I actually really, really believed that in that moment. Good. And I hope you still believe it. It was a real big moment. There you go. Honestly, take it.

1:05:09Don't push it. Take it. Take it. What scares you most about yourself? Nothing so much anymore. Like what scared me was the depths of where my brain took me. Like I, yeah, that was really, really, really scary because I just didn't know that that existed. And, but now that I've come out the other side, I don't think I'm a much less scared person because I know that I can get through most things. When was the last time you cried and why? Do you ask everyone that? Yeah, always. Oh, I almost cried today. I did. I was speaking to Lorraine, actually. Lorraine Kelly. And she just was really nice to me.

1:05:52And sometimes when people are so nice, it makes you cry in a good way. Love that. What's something you can't let go of? I think like I'll never let go of I'll never be able to forget or let go of the fact that I missed out on you know a positive birth experience with my son like those first moments those early days what's something that you'd be embarrassed for people to know you like or want I was thinking about this and I just had to say like reality tv I'm obsessed with reality tv I love it I've even started watching me and Chelsea again I had to stop after we left because I didn't want to like I didn't want to miss it.

1:06:31I might re-watch it. It's so good. Is it really good? Yeah. I'm going to re-watch it. I can't wait. It's just like, oh my God. This is great TV. It's so good. I actually even like, I've got a big day today. I'm here with you. I've had a busy morning. Last night, I just had to watch it. I was like, this needs to be a priority. I can't wait. I'm going to go and re-watch it. I love that. It's so funny. What turns you off? I don't know. Like people, like people, bad manners. Yeah. Same as me. Like people chewing with a mouth full. like people holding their cut every fall I'm feeling like not opening door to people not saying yeah I know not saying nice things I completely yeah bad manners I mean what turns you on?

1:07:09Ryan what does ah there you go yeah there you go topless or not topless? don't mind there we go love it what do you like most about yourself? my smile oh wheeze which I lost for so long it's just nice to be a smiley person I don't know it's hard Okay bonus one what's your favourite swear word? C-bomb The C-bomb? No I don't know I used actually just fuck quite a lot There we go Yeah That's a popular one I shouldn't say this but Leo now says it's actually in the Gruffalo he says fuckalo and I'm like oh my god that is not okay we don't swear in front of him Everyone I want you to go and get Louisa's book Lucky we're going to leave all the links in the description also just anything you want to follow with Louise it's all in the description below so check it out Louise adore you thank you so much for coming on you have been the most amazing company so thank you so much thank you for having me and for giving me this amazing platform it's so nice to get together

1:08:17I touched on MIC you did touch on MIC there you go I saw you rolling in your grave when I wasn't rolling in your grave that sounds sinister that sounds a bit sinister doesn't it No, immediately I was like, great, we've got the clip. Yeah. That's all we need. But I really love that we, you just went straight in at, you know, what she's been through for the last two years. Because it's so, so much. It's a lot. It's a lot. And she's so incredible and so brave. And that was just, wow. She's so resilient, like such a fighter. Yeah. It was insane. And I really do hope people go and get the book and read it because I think it will change a lot of lives.

1:08:53and I really can't wait to see the success that she has in front of her because going through something like that and coming out the other side and then achieving it. Yeah. I mean, being able to talk about, to write it and talk about it and process it, I think like the journey that she's been on in the last two years, like where the next two years take her, you know, just leaps and bounds and it's a really hopeful and honest, raw story. Anything I did wrong in that? Do you know what you did do a little bit? I can't wait. Talk over. You told her her story Fuck A few times Fuck But it's because But the reason why you're doing it Is because you're explaining it to the listener And I'm trying to make her feel comfortable I know That she has a space to do it I shouldn't do that No no I know that you're doing I get that you're doing it Because you're also trying to And also it's that thing of like I show vulnerability To show you it's safe And also you're You're wanting to explain to the listener Because you're like You already know what you're So I'm just gonna I know my listener So I want my listener to know But also Good point You can get her to explain sometimes because there was a bit where you were like explaining what a stoma bag is I don't even know what it is I know you don't know what it is but you explained it well but that's one that you can always you always less there's more but this is why you're the producer and this is why you produce the shows because you tell me these things and this is why we put it on the podcast is because we want this podcast to be incredibly authentic it is real it's completely real note taken great also guys if you enjoyed this episode please share it That would be amazing for us because firstly, one incredible episode to share, but also it helps us a lot.

1:10:23And also follow this podcast if you can. And go back and listen to all the other ones. Yeah. Amazing backlog. Plethora. Plethora. Plethora of episodes. I thought you were saying Paloma. Paloma. There is a Paloma. Paloma. Paloma episode. Also, we're on YouTube if you want to watch that. We are. We're also on TikTok, Instagram, and you can send us a message via our Instagram page. I think we might even be on Facebook. I think we are on Facebook. Anyway, thank you so much. Thank you to Louise. you are a superstar and thank you to you the listener for coming back and thank you to you Jemima the producer and thank you to you Jamie for steering that beautifully alright everybody we'll see you next week on Wednesday for another episode of Great Company Great Company

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1:12:34Yeah, that's right. Newlyweds is now Nearly Parents, and we're bringing you the same honest, heartwarming takes on our journey to parenthood, I guess. Join us as we find out what it really means to become a family while trying not to kill each other. Get ready for Nearly Parents, your favourite new podcast.