NEW SHOW! Mad, Sad & Bad with Paloma Faith

0:00Hi, Great Company listeners. It's me, Paloma Faith. You may remember me from episode three. I love coming on the podcast so much that I went and made my own bloody podcast called Mad, Sad and Bad. Here you go.

0:17Each week I welcome someone fantastic into my home to talk about what makes them mad, sad and bad. Roll recording.

0:42Oh, Ellen! Oh, Ellen! Oh, how are you? Do you mind taking off your shoes here? Really? Yeah. You're not one of those houses, are you? Sorry. You've changed. You used to be fun. I don't know when that was. Come in. All right, on camera, please make me look fit. You look brave and studded.

1:12To you, he's a stand-up comedian who first hit the mainstream hosting the Friday Night Project and Chatty Man. He travels with Amanda Holden in the Italian job, has his own podcast, Life's a Beach, hosts interior design masters for the BBC, has written two autobiographies and even created a sitcom, Changing Ends for ITV. He's a national Trevor. He's a national Trevor. National Trevor. I like that. National Trevor. He's a national Trevor loved by everyone. He's a national treasure loved by everyone from whichever walk of life. But to me, he's a friend I've given food poisoning to. A man who made me tell the nation on his podcast that I've given at least one blowjob in my life.

1:59The rest are, of course, speculation. And the person who left a pair of shoes at my house two years ago that I am now, for the first time ever, world exclusive, going to confess I gave to a charity shop six weeks ago. You didn't. They were designer. They were Paul Smith, weren't they? So sorry, but I never thought you were coming back. I thought you'd ghosted me, which we can speak about later. like me like me he feels his life as a performer is at times lonely and his marriage ended at a similar time to my own life changing breakup except that I had kids and they had dogs so we have a lot to bond over when it comes to matters of the heart he's lovable charming and disarming he's our favourite chatty man Alan Carr oh thank you hi so when I came through the door and you said Can you take your shoes off?

2:57I'm setting up a little side hustle. I'm going to go back there. They're going to be gone. That charity shop. There's going to be some tramp wearing them. No, the charity shop, they're just making absolute men off your shoes. So I thought, they've already gone. They've been sent. There's none for you to go back. Mum, we are filming, so you can't just talk. Alan, I bought you tea. Oh, hello, love. How are you? My Pilates is improving. Anyway, how's your mum? Oh, she's great. Really good. Sends her love. I love my mum. She's my best friend. I know it's gay to say that, but she isn't. Well, if it is, I'm gay.

3:33Oh, let's be gay together. You make a lovely cup of tea. That's delicious. Thank you. Anyway, see you in a bit. We'll see you soon. Thanks, Mum. Bye-bye, Pamela. I'm not being rude, but I'd rather talk to Pam. Well, you might in a minute. Chloe, will you make us a cup of tea and I'll sit and talk with Pam about her Pilates?

3:55All right, so it's called Mad, Sad and Bad. Yeah. I think that I've been told my whole life I'm mad, so I'm sort of interested in making myself feel less alone. So this podcast reads more about you. This is like fucking free therapy for you, isn't it? Well, I mean, it depends what you mean by mad. I mean, I get mad angry and it's never the big things that get me angry. Printers get me angry, spell check. That gets me angry. Actually, literally angry like you want to throw stuff. I threw my second last printer out of my kitchen window. Really? Yeah, because I'm sick of being gaslit by my printer because I put it on.

4:36Oh, there's no ink in here. And, you know, there is ink because I've just put ink in. Have you ever printed anything off your printer? Of course I have. And it always says there's no ink. Yes. And then what about the paper? It's gone down. There's no paper in the thing. There is. There's a fucking whole bunch of paper I put in there. Yeah, because it can't feel it. It's like a person, isn't it? I'm not saying my printer's a friend. I'm just saying. Did neighbours respond to you throwing the printer out? Or I guess where you live is a bit posh, isn't it? Yeah, I threw it in the moat. They ignore any emotion.

5:11I know, I threw it off one of my turrets. That gets on my tits. But then if you're talking about madness, as in psychologically mad no yeah when people thought oh well and you are a bit mad when I dressed up as Gemma Collins did you see that I did but I also just think you were invited to a Halloween party and that's what you do at a Halloween party to me that's not mad like I'm sure you've been oh sorry the postman maybe shall I go get it it's not part of it it's just real life is it someone else is it the man who bought my shoes It's probably DHL. And now, Alan, your printer has come. It's gone to rehab.

5:59What's this? Croissant. Deliveroo. We could get all sorts of sponsorship from this. You should. Get deliveroo. Get deliveroo. There's been days, you know, when you're hungover, then I get deliveroo breakfast, deliveroo lunch, deliveroo after. I know you say about dating. I'm basically dating the deliveroo man. Is he fit? Yeah. Only seen through the letterbox. Leave it on the mat. Just leave it on the start. Leave it on the mat.

6:26Tell me, so Gemma Collins. Gemma Collins, okay. It was not mad mad, because I don't really do mad things, but that's the maddest thing I've done. Ever? In your whole life? Come on, Alan. I don't buy it. Are you telling me? What do you want me to say? What mad? I mean, I'm quite normal. Well, this is it, Alan. Yeah. What strikes me about you? And many comedians. And also, what I think about comedy, and I'm relating to you, is that I know that I have my whole life hidden myself behind humour. Yeah. Because it's a good way to get over stuff. Like, you know, awful things happen and you're the one to say, well, I never liked him in the first place or whatever.

7:14Yeah, yeah. And everyone laughs. At the funeral that was. Yeah. You know, but... I mean, I think my humour comes from, especially when I'm slagging myself off of my appearance, I get in there quick before someone else does. But the thing is, like you said, we got divorced at the same time. And so I'm sort of tentatively putting my toe back in the dating thing. But my problem is I've slagged myself off so much, I've started to believe my own act. and there are people now who are interested in me and I'm like, oh, well, what with my teeth and glasses and fat back fat? And then, you know, Alan, you've got to rein it in because you're telling them your material.

7:59You know, and you go, Alan, you are worth it. People are, you know, this person is interested in you. And do you know what? You are a magnet. I mean, like, everyone who comes near you is lucky. That's what I think. Oh, how lovely. No, genuinely. Is that about you or me? You. I never know if you. No, I think it's a shame to hear you say that about the dating because I've started to do some dating as well. Yeah, how's that going? It's the Wild West, isn't it? Oh, my God, I know. People are just psychopaths, aren't they? It's just hard. Yeah, it is really weird. And also, I don't know about you whether you had it, but I sort of thought I'd be exempt from extreme weirdness because I thought that they wouldn't do those things to me because they'd be worried about the papers or whatever.

8:48But it's not true. Like, I've had someone ask to video call me and then start masturbating. Oh, I'm sorry about that. I'd had a few wines. It was you. I get people going, oh, when can we meet Adele? I'm like, fuck you. That's just so weird. But also, I think, yeah, it's sad for me to hear you just because that's one of the subjects of the podcast. Sad for me to hear you put yourself down like that because there are so few people like you in this world that are this magnetic, this funny, this intelligent. No, it's true. And all the stuff like you talk about and you put yourself down, that's a shield, isn't it?

9:27Yeah, of course it is. Of course it's a shield and stuff. But I mean, I'm learning to get over that now and say, Alan, take a compliment. Someone said to me, when someone gives you a compliment, say, thank you. I know, and I never go. Instead of going, oh, you should see, They have a bloody... Yeah, that's it. Oh, you're drunk. What with my back fat? Look at my hump. And then you've got a five-minute monologue slagging yourself off. And if they're not used to stand-up or how fucked-up comedians are, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, and then they start going, yeah, he has got a bit of a hump and a double chin.

10:01And start believing it. No, I've had it before. I've been in an argument with someone and then they've said to me, but you... And I'm thinking, you only know that because I told you. you wouldn't have known you're not intelligent enough to know that you've just reeled off the list of negative traits I've given you for me but back to the podcast no but you know I mean you've just got to get over that now but I'm getting that when someone gives me a comment I say thank you yeah good I'm glad well thank you thank you for a long time but anyway I did just say something nice to you but I don't know if you noticed thank you even though you did sell me fucking shoes Join me every Tuesday with a new effervescent companion You can follow Mad, Sad and Bad with Paloma Faith on your favourite podcast app and search for Mad, Sad and Bad Podcast to follow on YouTube, Instagram and TikTok Out now