PALOMA FAITH: How to Deal With Heartbreak When You're Not Okay | GREAT MOMENTS

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2:06Hello everyone, I'm Jamie Lang and this is Great Moments. Hey guys, so welcome back to Great Moments. These are our little snippets, right? and this week I wanted to revisit my conversation with the one and only, my great friend, Ploma Faith. Okay, she is simply incredible and one of the first guests I ever had on Great Company. Now, honestly, she blew me away with how honest she was about love and heartbreak and how it fuels her incredible music. And even before I met Ploma, she thought she was going to hate me and then actually we've got on so well. I think it's because she thinks I'm posh. Now, I learned so much from Ploma and I know you will too.

2:43And listen, guys, while I have you, we have some exciting news. Mad, Sad and Bad with Paloma Faith. Her show is back for series four, giving us all the mad, sad and bad moments you didn't know you needed. We make it at Jampot. She's incredible. And the new series features a brilliant mix of guests from Letitia Wright to Miguel and Davina McCool. Now you don't want to miss it. Okay, so new episodes, get this, launch every Tuesday from the 6th of October. So sit back and enjoy this great moments with my buddy Paloma Faith. Do you think you're lovable?

3:17Paloma Faith: very but that's but that's great that's a really positive thing because sometimes but I also think I'm really despisable but I'm just like no you're not despisable in my life I've had a lot of you're opinionated that's yeah I've had an experience of people being really like I love her and I've had the opposite and I quite like that because it would be awful if you went into a room and people were like don't really remember her do you and I'd rather they were just like do you think awful do you think for you like so with your new album could you obviously put your heart and soul into your music do you think for you that is your one place that kind of never always is supporting you always is there to help you always is never backing out that is your place of comfort so when you want to have a sounding board when you want to release all of these emotions you can put it into an album and write it yeah it's therapeutic it's cathartic absolutely But I also do a lot of actual therapy as well, and I find that important.

4:19Paloma Faith: I notice when I don't go for a while that I need it. But I don't think anger is a negative emotion either, because I was raised to believe anger was a negative emotion. And my mum, when I was growing up, was always like, if I hit something or threw something, she'd be like, I can't believe you. You're just like your father, because that was the biggest insult. and because my dad's a very angry man why was that the biggest insult because he's a very angry man it didn't get him anywhere but i've also got something like i get stress related alopecia and i think all of that's like and it's always emotional if i'm stressed at work it's my hair doesn't fall out but if it's emotional my hair starts falling out and it's something to do with like the body kind of like eating itself if you don't release those feelings so it's really important that you do with writing this recent album when you finish it and you put it out there is there a sense of is there a sense of calm is a sense of completion do you have that when you write your music and when you especially when you complete it or is there a sense of sadness when you complete it because then you can't go back into that place because actually there's comfort being in trauma sometimes well just because you finished the album doesn't mean the trauma's gone away no it doesn't for sure um but i think in the past up till like so my first five albums were all albums that i felt like i'd put something to bed with but i think this is ongoing um navigation because we have children together and that's what makes this a different type of heartbreak album because the heartbreak will be forever and the navigation of our relationship changing shape will be forever probably till we die you can't really let go of somebody you've got kids with and some people sort of you know just because you don't see them some people never speak again and they're still very present because you look at your kids and you see that person in your kids or they come back from visiting their your ex-partner and they're they're doing the mannerisms or they've got opinions that you don't agree with that are their opinions or whatever but in my case it's even harder I think in a way because we really like each other a lot and we're really close and we still love each other and that makes it confusing that's really sad so it's sort of heartbreaking every time we see each other that makes me sad yeah it is sad because if i was if you were telling me and i was a friend of yours i'd be like but hang on a second i can see you're getting emotional now because it makes me upset because you have so much love to give obviously you want to be looked after no it's so because you're obviously it's just very raw because of the kids of course it is and you're obviously such a great mum and you want to make sure your kids are okay and so you've got that pressure and then you also still love your partner and sometimes you're just like in life well why the fuck hasn't this worked out like like that fuck's sake I love you and you love me but I say on the album there's a spoken bit where I say I know it's my fault and then it does this mantra it's all right thanks it does this mantra that's says there's nothing more human than failure over and over again.

7:55Paloma Faith: And it's true. Yeah, it is true. And you know, we have to fail, right? And that's what happens. I sort of realized that in this weird game called life, which, by the way, I thought all the time that I'd open a door and I'd find all the answers and you just never do. And that's what's kind of scary about life. But we constantly have to make mistakes. Yeah. And falling in love and getting married and then that maybe not working out isn't bad on you. That's just part of life sometimes. And it's not even a failure. It's just a part of what happens. And I think maybe you're giving yourself too much of a hard time.

8:34It feels like. I think you are.

8:36Paloma Faith: Yeah, but saying that to me is like telling me not to be me. I know it is. I know it is. Do you find it hard to listen to the album? There's one song on it that I can't listen to, and I don't think I'll play live called Divorce, and I just get too upset. Because it's just too much? I don't think I could sing it. Really? Mm. So then why do you put it on the album? Because it's the most truthful one.

9:14Paloma Faith: it's basically all the stuff that's just made me get emotional now in a song and it's got my kids voices in it really yeah so as soon as i hear them at the beginning so that i've recorded them playing in the garden i just start crying i just hear them and then i'm like one chord really yeah but that's kind of special at the same time yeah maybe i'll get Maybe I need to like toughen up a bit on tour and just You've got to perform that light Are you kidding me? That's going to be amazing How do you deal with heartbreak? I don't know Not very well I think you have to go through it though And you've got to sort of face your feelings I think in the past This is what I've learnt from this one In the past I always dealt with it by Probably pushing it to one side And filling that void with another person almost immediately really so you would replace straight away not straight away but very quickly and now I've got children it doesn't work it doesn't sit right I've tried a bit of dating I've tried some stuff and it doesn't work because when you've got children the moment you know that someone's not right for you you just can't see them like that they're not going to make you happy or you know if they're going to be damaging to you because if I'm miserable my kids experience it and I notice myself as well being like if I'm upset or stressed about something with someone and then I'll be like maybe more quicker to snap with my kids like what do you why do you keep asking me well they go mama mama mama you're like what whereas normally you'll just be like yes love whatever like I don't know so I have to be careful so I don't think my old habits work anymore so I'm sort of like learning it sounds so cliche but as trying to have a relationship myself I don't know if I've ever had one they always say that heartbreak is like grief and they go you go through seven stages and the seven stages are shock denial pain guilt anger, bargaining, depression, and then an upwards turn, and it sort of gets towards acceptance.

11:39If you had to say...

11:40Paloma Faith: That's what my album's about, by the way, all the stages of grief. That's what is... So it's chronological, but it goes through all those stages, so each song represents those stages. Can I ask a personal question? Why do you think it didn't work out? You're 10 years together, you have two beautiful kids. Yeah. And relationships I get are hard. It doesn't matter how new or how old they are. Why don't you think it worked? Resentment because I think that I did too much. I felt I contributed more to the whole setup than I was getting. I didn't feel like I was matched in my contribution. And over time, that took its toll and the resentment built.

12:28Paloma Faith: There was a lot of, I won't go into the details, else but there's a lot of disparity I think between I felt there was between what I put into it and him in terms of love in terms of everything everything not love I think we were equal on that practically I think more and that's sometimes hard but then did you communicate that because sometimes I think in relationships maybe that's not communicated so you're I've definitely felt in relationships before where I felt a certain way but I've never communicated that Yeah, I did communicate it, but I do think as well, like, it was, in the end, it becomes about accepting that, like, you can't turn someone into something else.

13:15Paloma Faith: Like, for example, I'm just quite an ambitious, proactive person. But if somebody's not ambitious and proactive, I can't make them into that. I have to accept who they are. That's what love is. so you sort of have to be okay with who they are and what they're bringing do you think in relationships sometimes that we change and then the other person doesn't potentially change with you yeah and then that becomes a problem right because I think having children was a huge shift for me because I I have always been quite maternal and like enjoyed that role but then as soon as I had small babies I didn't and this is quite common in relationships I didn't have the capacity even to like mother anybody other than the baby or the next baby didn't want to mother the partner or the friends like I had friends who got upset with me as well because you just put so much love and everything in to the baby well they were just like you don't give me attention like you used to just like well hold fire for a second like wait till my children are over the age of 10 then you can go back I'll give it I'll have a decade of that I didn't want to like take that away from them but I think that takes its toll but I don't think there's enough acknowledgement for like the sheer amount of pressure or work that women do when they become mothers and I do believe and I talk about this a lot that feminism has kind of let started something for us and abandoned us halfway through because we've been given this sort of like pseudo what I thinks a patriarchal idea of equality which basically means that we're all doing three people's jobs and we're tired and irritable and it's understandable we're just done and like but explain that more what do you what do you mean by three people's jobs well I'm doing a full-time work breadwinner in my in your situation yeah um and I am you know making great stuff happen like kind of feel like the responsible for exciting things to happen for my family yeah holidays like events like painting whatever they do like playdough play dates buying the school uniform doing the supermarket shop like it's so much this sort of like invisible unspoken labor that you do as a mother and um so there's that and then there's like on top of that like being there for your children being like a source of um like moral growth and like emotional support and all of that it's so much and and i think that it's taken for granted by society like the mother the mother and everyone's always like oh their mum or will mum be coming like you don't even realize until you it happens to you that everyone's just like the mum and nobody goes dad or they and if he's involved they go oh you're so lucky and women even say it about their bloody partners like i'm really lucky because my partner's a stay-at-home dad there is so much difference between a stay-at-home dad and a stay-at-home mum like there was so much difference between a working mum and a working dad it's just it's not fair but break that down quickly just so so a working mum goes to work comes home and the kids are immediately her full responsibility whether she likes it or not they're obsessed with their mum I love it but it's true like a working man might come home sit down on the sofa the kids aren't bothered they're already doing something else and they're like dad's gone to work dad hello daddy you know not like immediately can you do this for me can you do this for me can you do this for me as soon as he walks in the door like they are like that with a working mum and then the same with the stay at home mums it's incessant you get that all day it's like can I have my favorite food can I do this and oh the kids up all night with a temperature they don't they want their mum and there are obviously exceptions of course there are because there always is for every single rule but in general it isn't fair and um but do you think that's in we're burning out that's all that was my last conclusion

18:27We'll see you next time. You're ready to go. Switch today at shipstation.com code audio.