TANYA BURR: Dating After Divorce, the Brit Crew & Why I Quit YouTube

0:00You were part of something called the Brit Crew. The Brit Crew, yeah. The OGs. I'm waiting to be emotional. 2015, you were raking in 10 million views a month on YouTube. I'm like, what's your question? What was the revenue looking like back then? I did YouTube for 10 years. I was stepping away from something that was successful. I found it so hard and just reading the things that were written about me. What were people saying? There were so many comments about my weight. I remember just feeling so low about myself. I quit YouTube and I just needed to disappear for a while. Hi, I'm Tanya Burr and I'm in great company.

0:42I'm here today with Tanya Burr! You would have been such a good member of the Brick Crew. I would have loved to be in the Brick Crew. Looking back, I know that I had all these anxious tendencies when I was as young as seven. And I remember thinking, if only I could be worried about normal. teenage girl things. When you go to the bathroom, why do you have to shut the door 15 times? To test it. My brain just goes to, I will be trapped in here forever. It's your mind playing tricks on you. Quite crippling at times. Oh yeah. When I started YouTube in the beginning, it was fine. And then it came back.

1:14I was so terrified of feeling anxious because I didn't understand it. And also because nobody spoke about it. For anyone who is listening right now, who's perhaps dealing with that at the beginning and they're not talking to anyone. What do you say to that person. I would say...

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3:06Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Great Company. As you can see from the trail and the title today, we have Tanya Burr on the show. Super excited, right? If you're an OG YouTube fan, you'll know exactly who Tanya Burr is. She was part of the Brit crew. That was the likes of Casper Lee and Zoella and Joe Sugg and Tanya Burr and Marcus Butler. These like original YouTubers who like kind of grew what YouTube is now today. We speak a lot about that. We speak a lot about anxiety. We speak a lot about growing up and family and everything around that. This episode today is full of nostalgia.

3:38It's full of emotion. It's full of so many amazing things. So we really hope you enjoy it. Now, before we start, I just would like to ask one thing, as I always do, which is I want you to join the community. and by joining the community all you've got to do is subscribe to our show it takes one second it's completely free and it does us so many wonders I can't even explain if you can do that one thing for us thank you so much and I promise you we'll keep making the show better and better each week okay here we go enjoy this amazing episode of Great Company with Tanya Burr welcome to Great Company thank you for having me I'm so excited to be here do you get nervous for podcasts or no do you know what I actually haven't done one that I've been nervous for before but I feel nervous for this but also I think I hardly ever do podcasts or speak to people in this kind of way and so I do feel a little bit nervous yeah I don't normally get nervous about anything but as I get older for some reason I become more nervous about things I feel like I become more self-aware but when I was younger I didn't care about anything I think we didn't think anything through when we were younger I think that I think that's the thing and I think we're we are more self-aware which means we're more I don't I don't know it's it's good in some ways We're wiser, but then we know to be wise and think about things, which can then make it more scary.

4:53YouTube. Yeah. Do you remember sitting down in front of the camera going, right, I'm going to do this? Yes. Who's your inspiration? How does that happen? Who even thinks about doing that? Well, I think the magical thing about YouTube and what was so special about it at the beginning, and I have to say, I do just feel so grateful to be, I'm forever grateful for YouTube and being in that first wave of content creators and it's just incredible to see what it's become today. It's this kind of powerful tool for connection and creativity and it's just incredible and what it did for me and how it changed my life, I'll just be forever thankful for.

5:33How do you find it? Who was your inspiration? Why did you do it? So I was living with an ex and I think one of his older sisters was actually living at home at the time and I was super young. It was living with his mum as well. So it was before you kind of move out and get your own place. And they were professional makeup artists and they started creating YouTube videos. I think not even meaning for them to be for the public. I would think it was for, they used to do wedding makeup for people. And I think they had a wedding makeup request from someone in another country. And one of the sisters was heavily pregnant and couldn't travel to do it.

6:13So she said, I'll just film you. I'll film a tutorial of how you can do it. And you can use this to do your own wedding makeup in another country and uploaded it to YouTube and not meaning for it to be a public thing. And then realizing it was and that it could be a public thing and you could kind of get subscribers and views and comments. And comments. And I was in a very kind of in-between stage. I'd finished school and sixth form. They were like separate things at the time. I was due to go to university in Leeds to do English. We would have been in the same year. I went to Leeds. Oh my goodness.

6:51Have we had mirrored lives? Yeah. What is going on? That is mad. That's so crazy. Were you studying? English. I failed to do English, so I went and did drama. Really? that was what I wanted to do as side things because I also did drama kind of all my life and went to a theatre school after my school oh I did it full time because I couldn't do English I loved English but I didn't get the grades because it didn't work hard enough that's so interesting that's crazy and anyway I deferred my year because I just didn't feel ready to go I just wanted to defer I went travelling but I actually started YouTube before I went travelling because his sisters just said to me one day you should just give it a go it's fun it's a nice creative outlet for you and I've always been quite creative a very creative person and I think that when you are and you're kind of I was just working kind of in retail in a in a nine-to-five job trying to save up money to go traveling and it was uncharted territory there was no kind of clear blueprint or ideology to follow so none of us really knew what we were but I think that was what made it incredibly exciting.

7:56It was a really exciting time. You were part of something called the Brick Crew. The Brick Crew. Which was Zoella, Joe Sugg, her brother, Alfie Days, Casper Lee, and Naomi Smart, and Marcus Butler. Why do you think the Brick Crew was so successful? Because you guys were like this crew together, and what you would do in, so the way of YouTube is that you would collaborate with each other, and so then it would go and build and build and build. And that collaboration thing was so unique. It's what everyone does now in music and film and YouTube and fashion and business collaboration. But you guys were doing it with content.

8:32It was just so natural. And we were all just, before we even started collaborating, we were all individually just sharing moments of everyday life. The girls were doing bits of kind of beauty and fashion and just sharing what we loved. And for me personally, I think that authenticity just became a cornerstone of how I did everything. You know, lots of people watching us, they could relate to us in a way and feel that familiarity. And obviously there were reality TV shows, like you were a part of one. And I think that probably in the same way people enjoyed that, people enjoyed seeing the reality of our lives and seeing it in such a candid way too.

9:26But Tanya, I tell you what, I remember doing Clothes Show Live in Birmingham, right? I think I did a Clothes Show Live. You might have done a Clothes Show Live. And I remember being there and I thought I was a bit of a big deal back then. I was like, yeah, I'm, you know, when I go to the Clothes Show Live, people go crazy and they're screaming and it was, Clothes Show Live is a sort of fashion show thing in Birmingham done in the NEC, which is a big arena. But what was interesting is I remember doing a, walking out of hosting something and I could hear these screams. And I was like, what is that noise?

9:58Like, that is crazy. People going wild. It was because Alfie Days was on one of the stages. And I didn't even know who he was. I was like, what? Because I wasn't watching YouTube. I didn't understand this, but people were going wild. It was like, it was different to what I had experienced because I was on a reality show, which people loved and enjoyed watching. With YouTube now and definitely before, you could watch this privately in your bedroom. You know, you could sit there and it was something just like intimate. So you felt even more attached to the creator, the YouTuber, you. Yeah. Right.

10:32So what was that moment that you suddenly realized that you were famous? Probably something like that, like doing a live event and having lots of people screaming. Or saying, you know, staying in a hotel, people finding out where the hotel was and all turning up. And the strangest thing was, is turning up with their parents. like what parents are allowing their children to go and you know essentially stalk someone who you know I understand if it's a live event that we've advertised we're going to be at but if it's just someone's found out what hotel you're staying in um essentially stalking it yeah and parents are just coming along and and saying do you mind do you mind having a photo with my do you mind do you mind giving a room tour it's because that's what we would all do on youtube is do is like vlogging room tours of and because we traveled a lot for all these different events that we were doing and stuff which like god knows what they even were but people would want to be doing what they would see us filming in our youtube videos they'd want to be a part of that and think think that they could be a part of that give every part of your life over yeah the what was your favorite memories from the brick crew days staying in hotels together i think was really fun.

11:47I think traveling, traveling together. And also because, yes, there was the Brit crew, but I also think the Brit crew weirdly also included a few Americans. Like, I don't know if you remember, do you remember Tyler Oakley or Joey Graceffa? Yes. Tyler Oakley had like a sideshow with Ellen for a bit. It was like massive. Huge. Yeah. Oh, and then also a part of our crew was troy savann the australian troy who's now obviously a huge singer star i remember being in a hotel room in anaheim which have you ever been to anaheim in california no i've never been to anaheim it's the only reason why i think you would go there would be for some kind of convention or i think there's a disneyland there or something it's the most bizarre place it's sprawling as much for america is and just kind of everything is huge everything you order in a restaurant is huge um and we were there for vidcon which is this it's it's like a comic-con but for for youtubers and i remember sitting in a hotel room there and and we'd all kind of just order pizza to our room and just just lounge about together and just chat and be able to relate to each other because we were all experiencing this insane thing at the same time so being able to relate to each other and troy saying i've i've made this song and i'm gonna release it and i want to play it to you guys first and and he was so embarrassed he had to walk there was kind of like a corridor in the room and he put the song on he was so shy about it and now he's like huge do you know there's something so like naive and precious about it all because i think what you guys used to do is used to play your videos to each other to see what you guys think is this a good video is that good and it was just like this amazingly unique place I think how I get it at the beginning where you were all championing each other yeah and that is so healthy special yeah because that doesn't happen because now one could argue that YouTube is quite competitive and everyone is sort of fighting for space we didn't have to be but it feels a bit more that way that's very this is very true I hadn't thought about it that way I think that is something that made it so special there was there was no competition or ego I never I also think you know Zoe and I have such a special friendship and we still voice notes on a weekly basis and meet up when we can obviously we both you know have families and busy lives but but it's so nice that we still have that and I think what's so special about our friendship is we were never competing with each other we were just always like you say championing each other and that was so special can i ask a really personal question and you can throw it away if you don't answer it but i have to ask it because it's so entrepreneurial you guys back then and like it was the kind of wild west and in 2015 you were raking in 10 million views a month on youtube i'm like what's your what's your question what was the revenue looking like back then it was a lot if i'm if i'm being honest you're a businessman you have to so related to being a businessman you know in that way and because it is it's a business right but also I can answer this question genuinely and tell you and my friends and family will vouch for this that I am not very business minded I would say I'm entrepreneurial but more creative and I'd say I'm more of a creative so not that I didn't benefit from that and the amount of money that was earned in that time which which and it was large sums of money and I know that much because I bought a house that money you know and I kind of set myself up with it but I wasn't aware of it at all I for a long time for years on YouTube I never looked at the the so what earned you money was the views yeah that was a little number in the under the video I think on the right hand side like wherever it sits now.

15:53Yeah, it was on the right-hand side. And that would then, how it worked just for someone listening is that the amount of views you would get, you would have advertising within the video and the amount of views you'd get, you'd have something called a CPM, right? A CPM, yeah. Which is cost per metric or whatever it is. Every thousand views you get, you're paid a certain amount of money. Yeah, a certain amount. Okay, great. And back in the day, the CPM was very high. What height was it? I couldn't tell you. I just know it was high because people have told me that since. So I obviously knew that I didn't have to worry about money.

16:26It was just something that came with it. But I was not looking at the time. I couldn't have told you what the CPM was. I couldn't have told you exactly what I was earning. I couldn't even remember to tell you now. and I wasn't ever, I've never been very sensible. I get it from my dad. He's really hedonistic. We really didn't have a lot of money growing up. I've had to learn to be more sensible, obviously now having a family. But back in the day, I just wasn't. Okay, let me put it in time. Other people made millions though, didn't they? Yeah. It's amazing. And I'll forever be grateful for that.

17:06You know, I hadn't even thought about being grateful for the financial side of it, even though that's obviously is really important and did hugely set me up for the rest of my life grateful but also you have to yes but also you you you saw a gap you went for it and you monetized off it like everyone does it doesn't matter if that is bitcoin facebook art music whatever it is you saw an opportunity that's very entrepreneurial and i applaud anyone who who who saw it and i I wish I was focusing on that back then. You know, I loved making videos more than anything in the world. We would have loved to have your chance.

17:43I wish I was in the Brit Crew. You're kidding me? You would have been such a good member of the Brit Crew. I would have loved to be in the Brit Crew. One regret and not investing in Google.

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19:16Only at Mattress Warehouse. You've bought your sister Tash today. Yes. Would Tash tell me off if I ask any bad questions? would she jump in? Oh yeah, she's the younger sister. Really? But she is also the scarier sister. So if I was going to ask Tash how she would describe you, Tash, how would you describe your sister? The bravest. Really? Yeah. The bravest, strongest lady in my life. That's an amazing answer. That makes me emotional. That made me a little bit emotional. I wasn't expecting her to say that. When my parents or my siblings, typically my parents, say to me that they're proud of me, man, I go to like mush.

20:08And my dad said it to me recently. And for some reason when our siblings or our loved ones say really nice things about us, because it's unexpected, right? Our siblings are there to normally jibe us and tell us like, get up or make fun of us. So when actually they become vulnerable and they say something sweet, oh my god it like yeah hits home really hard yeah I always get that if my if my dad in particular says something to me or you know even even when they stop and tell you that they love you or that yeah or that they're proud of you it just it means so much doesn't it coming from that person who who means so much to you do you think you're a brave person then there's so many things about me that I think aren't brave even for example I'm I'm a really claustrophobic person and I've had years of therapy about all kinds of things in my life as I feel like a lot of our generation have I feel like with the generation that kind of really um went to town with therapy and we all openly talk about it and I think it's amazing um but it's something that I just have never cracked so even when I just said oh I'm just gonna go and use the toilet before we do this because I think you know we might be chatting for a while I don't want to need a need a loo break yeah yeah I open and close the door like 15 times before I would fully close the door then I have to test the lock am I going to use the lock if I was actually just you know comfortable with your locks and your toilets but I would say 70 % of public toilets I don't shut the lock on and I would have to then get someone I would either have to hold it if I was by myself or if I was uncomfortable I would have run and got my sister and said can you just hold the door for me it also depends on where I'm at in my head that day and how I'm feeling on a level of anxiety as to whether I'll do it or not I don't get in lifts um I mean so rarely if I absolutely had to but it's something I think about all the time if I'm going on a work trip and it's in a hotel I'll call and say please can I be put in a room that's on the first floor and even if they say well we've got you this amazing sweet on the on the top floor I'm like I don't want it I just want to be able to go upstairs to my up the stairs and not in the lift um so I think because I have I'm so conscious of that that makes me then not feel like a brave person where do you think that came from do you know what I think one of the hardest things is not knowing where it came from exactly because so many things when I and I think I started doing therapy in my early 20s and to be honest it was a couple of years into starting that YouTube journey, which was very intense.

22:44And so many things were very obvious. And honestly, like two months into doing therapy, I felt so much better about because it was just recognizing where things came from. And once you, it's almost like, you know, when you watch a horror film, which I personally don't do, I don't enjoy horror films, but I have seen them and I know about them. And my boyfriend works in film. So, so we'll talk about this kind of thing a lot is that it's the scariest ones where you don't see the monster or the ghost or whatever the scary thing is because once you see it it takes away its power wow and so when it's more the unknown and it's your imagination running wild for me it was realizing where some things had come from why i was feeling a certain way and just it's not like it totally takes away all of the anxiety about something but it helps you to understand it which I think that in turn does help you to deal with it.

23:39That's a really good way of putting it. Yeah that's a really good way of understanding it. I always say so I had anxiety right and I know you had diagnosed with GAD when you're around seven years old or something around. Is that general anxiety disorder? Yes. Yeah so I had anxiety really badly in my 20s and I still did it was crippling like to the point which was just unbearable, right? And my anxiety was like spurred on from anxiety, right? So I was scared of anxiety because I didn't know where it came from. And so I was so afraid that the anxiety was going to come the whole time, that monster, that scary thing was going to arrive, that I would fear it.

24:13So then it would be a cycle of like, okay, well then I'm anxious about feeling anxious because I'm anxious. And it was just a horrific place to be in. And once you understand it or accept it, once you accept there's a monster in your room, once you accept, hey, there's a monster run under my bed whatever it's going to be there that's okay we just deal with it that's the moment you become almost free of it in a way it's still there but it's how you handle it it's so interesting that you said that the fear of it um because i've never heard anyone describe it exactly like that even though it's quite a simple thing yeah but that's exactly how i felt when i was in my teens and basically all my time pre-therapy i was so terrified of feeling anxious because i didn't understand it and also because nobody spoke about it and probably when I mean we're probably quite a similar age um 24 um well I think you're born you're born in 89 I'm born 88 oh you're older than me I had no idea well we'd be same year yeah same same school same school year you're so much older than me um I think that for us growing up and in our teenage years there was nobody I think I remember reading in Heat magazine or something Frankie Bridge opening up she was the first person that I ever saw talk about having anxiety and whereas now if there's a teenager having anxiety they could you know go on social media and have so much content to help them and you know so much communication about it, whereas we had nothing.

25:54So I thought I was the only one who had it, which made me feel terrified. Because you don't have anyone to relate to. No. I've never said this. Do you know the person that I watched to help me through my anxiety at the beginning? Who? Zoella. Really? I've never said that. And I totally forgot that until you triggered a memory. When I was dealing with my anxiety, which was panic attacks, right? Which was when I was in my early 20s. I didn't tell anyone, by the way. I just kept it all in. Really? I used to watch Zoella because she would speak about it. It's having someone to relate to. That's so amazing.

26:24Completely. I'll have to tell her that. Well, she'll probably listen to this. Her and I are still really good friends. Really? When you go to the bathroom earlier, right, and you have to shut the door 15 times, why do you have to shut it 15 times? To test it. So it's a trust thing, I think. It's 15 times every time? It depends. If it's somewhere new, then yes. The worst thing is if it stops me from doing things. like when when i first told dan about that phobia of mine so i think it is it is a phobia i suppose it is a phobia yeah he said what do you imagine will happen for example if we're on a date night and we're in a pub and i go to the loo and say i'm just gonna go to the little back in a minute he said if an hour goes by he said bear in mind he was like i wouldn't leave it now and i've given him instructions as well i said if it's ever longer than even like seven minutes come and get me but he said what do you imagine will happen do you think that i'll just say oh that's weird tan's just stuck in the loo i'll just go home and carry on with carry on with my life and she'll just be in there forever he was like i'll just i'll just have the rest of dinner and then and then just hop on by myself yeah and and i'm like do you know i hadn't really thought about that my brain just goes to i will be trapped in here forever and it and you know it's illogical but You can't make your brain believe it's illogical.

27:43You think it's a logical fit, don't you? Yeah. You said, I used to go and get sick every single morning because I felt so anxious. I worked myself up so much before school that I was a complete mess and there was no reason for it. You're growing up in Norfolk and you're seven years old and someone says, oh, you have anxiety. Right. Is that right? So I wasn't that young. The being sick every single morning and the really realising I had it wasn't until I was about 13. Still so young. But yeah, I was really young. And I remember the day that it came that I felt that, looking back, I know that I had all these anxious tendencies when I was as young as seven.

28:26And I would make lists about things that had to happen that day and tick them off. I remember being at my grandma's house and just it's one of my earliest memories and being really, really young and having my granddad's notebook and his pen and just I can't even remember what it was about. But I would make these kind of tick lists and be like, well, this has to happen and that has to happen. And I guess trying to create a perfect life in some kind of way, which weirdly I think has aided me in my career because it's all about curation online, isn't it? But I'd been on a school trip when I was 13 to the south of France.

29:08I hadn't traveled a lot as a young child. We didn't have much money growing up. So it was a big deal when I did this trip. and do you know what? I think it may have been, yeah, it was my first time even going abroad. Was it really? And I didn't go on a plane. We got a coach with the school to the south of France. It's a long drive. Yeah, it was like 24 hours, I think. Norfolk. Sorry. Sorry. That is absolutely 13-year-old kids and a coach for 24 hours. That's mad. With no mobile phones. Read this and you're reading like holes. Yeah. you were reading i that's more mad than you sort of throwing up yeah i haven't thought about that for years i i haven't i really haven't thought about this and i remember coming home from that trip and being sat on our living room floor and opening my bag and i've got presents for everyone in the family you know like just little things like a bracelet from a market or something and i had this feeling of like dread like this pit in my stomach and i was like what is going on i feel so it was like an outer body experience sadness no not sad like pure danger the the danger yes the I would compare it to the feeling when do you remember being in a supermarket with your mum when you were little and and suddenly losing sight of her and thinking I've lost my mum that's the feeling of how I first ever experienced feeling anxiety but for no reason I was just sat in my living room with my family everyone was happy and fine like and just having that feeling for no reason I kept it very secret because I was very very afraid of that feeling and didn't know what was going on with me and I was just so so afraid that I didn't tell anyone until I started every morning I would the best part of my day was when I woke up before you kind of come to you know and you're just kind of still in that kind of sleepy dreamy state and that's when I would feel normal and like the old me and then I would wake up and then realize oh remember the anxiety that I wouldn't even know to call it anxiety I would just think oh that feeling and have all that feeling of dread and then it got to the point where I would run to the loo and and throw up because I just felt it was like such a huge rush of anxiety that that would happen my my house was tiny growing up and I was probably quite loud being sick in the loo that that that wasn't a secret and so it was actually my parents spoke to me about it and my dad I remember we were on a shopping trip in Norwich the whole family and it was in a car park and we'd parked the car and my sister and brother and mum had kind of walked ahead and dad was I don't know probably at the paint machine I'd gone with him and he stopped me and said you know you can tell me anything and I said how I was feeling to him and the next week they organized for a therapist came to the house which I think is quite strange it was like a house visit it's quite rare it's really really strange and um and I remember I had a tv like a little time during those box tvs that came out like this they were like cubes in my bedroom so heavy as well and um yeah and uh there was there was a music video going on which i still i i could not watch the music video i don't even know what the name is it was i think it was black eyed peas and the music video is them on like a merry-go-round they're like at a fairground or something that's what was on when the therapist arrived downstairs and I was so anxious and so freaked out like I could never see that music video again um and I came downstairs and I don't remember anything that she said or that I said but I know that I wasn't I was too afraid to articulate how I was feeling so we did so we didn't we didn't speak I don't think anything came from that and I said that I never wanted to see her again even though I'm sure she did nothing wrong.

33:24I think I just so wasn't ready. No, you weren't ready. And then I revisited therapy almost 10 years later. One of the things about being a YouTuber is that you had to give over everything. Yeah. And that comes with problems and issues and comments. Complications. Complications. Talk me through that. I think growing up and simultaneously trying to find myself, discover who I was, but doing that in front of a lot of people. So I was doing what everyone else is doing in their 20s, but the difference was just having an audience. I found the scrutiny really, really difficult. Like what? the comments the there was a lot in the media back then as well so it was very kind of I feel like now influencers are influences and it's quite separate from traditional media but back then it was daily mail you know on on a weekly basis and that's and I know that you will have experienced that I've seen things that you and you kind of making fun fun of it which I think is so great because back then I wouldn't have had the confidence to do that and I think that you you may not have I mean I don't think I would and I like to think that I would have had but I don't think I I don't think I would have done back then either I think I would ignore it I think it's the same as the anxiety in a way that when we were younger it's it's all about being so afraid of it so just pushing it away pushing it away whereas actually confronting it is is much healthier and so much better and also the thing is I just I look back at my 20s with so much compassion because I on yourself yeah yeah because I found it so hard and just reading the things that were written about me and everything that I said was judged and I had lots of I think when someone picks apart your personality as well as your looks and just judges every single moment and the way that you look.

35:44I remember just feeling so low about myself and just really, it's so hard to explain, but I think it really did just get into my head. And I read a lot when I was younger and I think there was so many comments about my weight and also which is just crazy because if you looked back at photos for me when I was at kind of the height of my YouTube life and I was just young and just living life and kind of being free but the comments and the scrutiny around my weight but then but then also when I went through tough things in life and then lost lots of weight and you know people then commented on that and and said that i was too thin so it was i think that there's nothing new here i think every woman who's ever been in the public eye has had her weight scrutinized and i think that now it doesn't bother me at all well i i quit youtube because of the comments not just because of the comments so i i there was so much kind of going on online and, and, and yes, so, so many comments, there was a whole websites dedicated to trolling.

37:03There was a lot in the press at that time. And I felt like I needed to step away, find my own voice again. And I just needed to disappear for a while so that I wasn't feeling like my self-worth was tied to how much I was sharing with everyone. This is 2019, was it? Yeah, I think so. Because I quit for five years. I never thought I would ever come back. And then suddenly I just had this feeling of just really missing long form content. And I came back. In 2024? Yes. When I spoke, I remember I spoke to Casper Lee, right? And when Casper decided to quit YouTube, he said it was a relief. And I was like, it was a relief.

37:51And he said, yeah, it was a relief. I didn't have to wake up and think about a video. Did you have that? It was a relief, yes. Not an immediate, I don't think I felt the effect so immediately. I think that it took me some time to realize the pressure that was upon me all those years. I did YouTube for 10 years until I quit. A video every week? At some points, a video every day. but but yeah at the at least a video a week but I think to towards the time when it got to the point where I quit I think I'd kind of was doing it more like once every two weeks and then suddenly I never made the decision that the last video that I did I think it was weirdly like a workout like me saying I think it was sponsored by um by a fitness brand and fabletics and and it was me like trying on workout gear in my living room and maybe there was a vlog to go with I think it's still up that video.

38:50And you were just like, I'm just done. And I just thought I'm not going to upload anymore for a while. Was that scary? That's it. I wasn't scared. I definitely wasn't scared. I think I was really, really done. I think stepping away at that time was the best thing that I could have done. This is where your bravery comes in, what Tasha's sister said, because I'll tell you why. Most people would never step away from things that are being successful, that are making you revenue, that are doing whatever. And it feels like you in your life, you've managed to say, well, this is not right. And I can now, I have to step away from it because it's just not right.

39:28It's not working. And that is huge bravery. Most people don't. Most people just stay in things, in whatever it is, in YouTube, in businesses, in relationships, whatever it is, just because they feel like they have to. Interesting. Yeah, I think I have been someone who... always, I have to do what feels right. And yes, looking back, it probably wasn't, it definitely wasn't financially the smartest decision. It, you know, in terms of my career, it may not have been the smartest decision because when I stepped away from YouTube, I think I was stepping away from something that, that was successful at that point in time.

40:06And, um, but I knew that I had to do it for me, I think it was really, really important that I had so much to unpick in terms of my, my views and my beliefs around sharing and boundaries. And, and I think it was, it was really important for my happiness. And around the time you quit YouTube, you were cast in a play called Confidence. Yes. Yes. That's like, like serendipity as well, right? Yeah. The play, I'll be forever grateful for the director who gave the opportunity to do that play. Why? And I was underqualified for that role. Not in terms of, I don't believe, I mean, some of our best actors, you know, of our generation have not been to drama school.

41:01So I don't mean in that way. I just mean in, that was my debut role in theatre and I was leading a play it was at the Southwark Playhouse you know it's a respected theatre and it was a really tricky 90s play I was thrown in at the deep end but I learnt so much and had the best time doing that play and that was something I was so in it there wasn't time to think about anything else I was just so focused on it and if I was given that opportunity again and I would absolutely love to do theatre again I've only ever done film and tv since um but I would love love love to do theatre again you know the public reaction to you getting the role was sort of slightly negative right yeah as you said people said oh you're not fit for the role or whatever it is how do you react to that well I think it's fair enough in a way like I wasn't you know I hadn't done I'd only done amateur theater before but I was I was given this opportunity I mean I'd be lying if I said it wasn't because of my profile on online totally and that's fair you'd built your profile online right that's what you done and you could you can act and that's what you wanted to do and you took an opportunity and went for it yeah but I don't regret going for it I had the most incredible experience um I learned so much and I've done you know so some more things since then that much much better but also the other thing was I I do have to say I do think it got reviewed unfairly because people don't like um anyone doing things outside of their box and I and I think that there was journalists who'd written their reviews before they sought the play I think they'd already made up their minds what they were going to say.

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43:34Mine too. Found her a better rate and didn't waste her time. Who is this guy? Babe. Jerry checked again and found us an even better rate. Pulled 20 quotes from top insurers, showed them side by side, And helped me switch policies in the app. It's a car insurance app. Yep. Let's just... Never happened. Do yourself a favor. Visit jerry.ai slash ACAST. You went through a public breakup in your 20s, and we don't need to go into the relationship at all, right? But can I ask, what experience did that teach you? Resilience. Really? Yeah. I think going through anything that personal in the spotlight...

44:18and having, you know, the attention that it got, I think just taught me a lot about resilience and also privacy. And I think that that is something as well that made me really value my privacy. And I think I needed to fully step away in order to be able to come back in any way, shape or form. I think for a while I became very overprotective, but now I've found a way to share parts of myself and my life whilst also protecting both. So with your private life now, so did you then, because it was so exposing, you put so much out there, now you're just like, actually, no, now I'm going to control whatever I put out, right?

44:59It's so precious to me and since becoming a mother as well. How is it? It's incredible. Yeah? It completely, the lens through which you see the world just completely changes. It's so special. you can never have a fully bad day ever again because even there will be hard moments oh my god the sleepless nights the even funny things like just an inconvenient poo in public from from the baby not from you um i hope um there's obviously there's so many tough moments that come with having a baby but the joy that they bring you is something that you will never have been able to have joy brought to you in that way before did did did your anxiety come back because it's something which is slightly out of control do you know what's the absolute opposite get out of here because you're distracted you're so so heavily distracted it's so you don't have to think about yourself anymore i don't think about myself in the same way anymore at all wow my brain is so full even now and he's just turned three there's always so much going on and so much to think about with your child you can't prioritize yourself in the same way anymore but almost and in some ways that's it's difficult because obviously you need to do things for yourself but the best part is you don't have the time to think about your own worries and concerns your worries and concerns become about them whether if it's like what they're eating you know or you're organizing potty training we did that over the summer and that kind of really it it takes hold of your mind in such a way that it you don't have time to worry about other things it's amazing isn't it your partner dan yeah what's the best thing about him two things i would say his his loyalty and i don't mean that in terms of just you know physical like loyalty but just always having my back and he's loyal through and through so important that it really is so feeling like someone's on your team even even if something even if you're the tide is against you you know that that person's there with you yeah but also just him being my best friend and being able to talk non-stop and like him and I could go to dinner and talk like this for the entire time it's the best that someone said to me once um uh Robin Sharma he wrote a book called The Monkeys who sold his Ferrari.

47:33It's an amazing book, right? He said to me, you should do the 10 ,000 hour rule with your partner. If you can think, if you can have 10 ,000 hours with that person, 10 ,000 dates, 10 ,000 moments together, 10 ,000 conversations, you're probably in a good spot to spend the rest of your life with them. That's so interesting. That's how you should look at partners. Shit looks, yeah, looks fade, fancying them kind of goes, whatever. Can you spend 10 ,000 hours with that person? If you can, great, stick with them. Yeah. Because I often, you know, I'll look at Dan and think he's really he's really lovely looking like I'm glad that you know we're almost six years in and I probably fancy him more now than I did even on day one and that's lovely it's a really nice thing to have but the most important thing to me is just yeah it's the conversation the connection because to me that's you know feeling feeling connected is really important to me with with anyone in my life and and yeah being able to just in the car we never listen to music we just talk non-stop can i ask a question for someone who's listening again who perhaps has been through heartbreak right and they're struggling they're thinking i'm just never going to find someone again i'm going to be by myself and that's it i'm done what do you say to that person i would say chances are you you probably won't be by yourself forever i'm sure that you won't.

48:54I, even when I was single and, and I actually really enjoyed being single. I loved it. And I had, I was living with one of my childhood best friends. It was so much fun. Did you date a lot? I did. Yeah. Great. I did. I really, I really, really loved, I went for, I went for it and I loved dating. It was, it was really, it was really, really fun. And, And I'd never properly dated before. I'd had boyfriends in my teenage years, but it's not like you're going out and you're meeting, you know, a restaurant in London or a bar. And, you know, I was in Tainsborough, this tiny village that I grew up in.

49:35You know, a date would be just, well, you didn't. You would just meet someone at a house party and then they'd become your boyfriend. Yeah, I know that's literally what would happen. I went out with someone and didn't even meet them. I just spoke to them on the phone. I was like 12. I almost did that when I was dating. no you didn't no you didn't I had the there was one guy that just wanted to talk on the phone all the time and I think I think he did think that we were kind of in a relationship but we weren't because you'd never met yeah and um I won't give his name away or anything but he but he Brad he had an accent is what I will say really and I I really like talking to him because I love I have this thing for accents okay I love I love people with accents What kind of accents?

50:21Are we talking like regional accent? I love a regional accent Love it Really? I'm from Norfolk And his eyes are lighting up A regional accent I love a regional accent This one had a Scottish accent Like Ewan McGregor style Or more like Glaswegian? More Glaswegian Oh nice But yeah I think dating was so fun But when I met Dan, I knew. Really? Yeah. Where did you meet? Can I ask? We met on a dating app. Yeah, great day. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Do you know what I said? That's how I did all my dating though. And it was amazing because you just got to meet a lot of different people. If I'd have been waiting until, you know, you're kind of set up three friends and blah, blah, blah.

51:07It's like I got to volume date, you know, connect with people all over the world. I think probably because I was on, you know, that one that people go on. Raya. Yeah. I got rejected from that one. Did you? Why? Well, I don't really know. It was back in the day when, I don't know, they didn't want me. Yeah, it was years ago before. Did they think you were going to be like inappropriate or something? Yeah, I only sent nudes. That's what I was doing. Like, what's wrong with this? Like, this is what we want. That's so funny. But I think I knew, the way that I knew with Dan is that I had one date with him.

51:45and then I was due to go on a date with someone else. I think I met him. It was actually a Monday evening that I met him and I was due to go on a date with someone else on a Wednesday and possibly even on a Friday as well. Come on, let's go. And I didn't want to go in case Dan was suddenly free and he wanted to see me and I wanted to make sure that my calendar was clear in case he wanted to see me. And he was working on a job at the time that was very busy and intense. And he said to me, listen, and now I understand his job and I know that it was the truth. And he promises me now that it was the truth.

52:24But at the time he said, just so you know, I may not be able to see you for, like he said, I'd love to see you again. Quite a good way to get out of dating as well. I'm sorry, I'm in a really intense job. I may or may not be able to see you. Depends on how I feel. Depends on how this date goes, but I may or may not be able to see you again. And he, yeah, so he said that to me and I thought, oh my God, well, if we didn't have locked in when we were next going to see each other And I thought, I don't want to have something in with someone else and have to cancel last minute because I'm also a very reliable person.

52:49And so I don't like to let people down. And so I just cleared any other dating off the cards. And I was like, I only want to see him. And then I saw him on the set. So I met him on the Monday evening and saw him also on the Saturday. Did you kiss on the first date? No, we didn't. Kissed on the second date? We did. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm like, do you know what? I think it's nice to kind of have that. Like, what do you think is going to happen? What do you mean? As in if you didn't kiss on the first date, because so many dates where I did kiss on the first date, I'd never even saw them again.

53:23Maybe I was just a really bad kisser. Sophie and I, Sophie and I, we were uneven dated. We were like mates. And on a flight on the way back from South Africa, we just started snogging in the seat. That's amazing. And then we were just like, hammered. I was going to say that. Hammered. I was drinking whiskey. Whiskey on a flight? Like a Jack Daniels. Like I was drinking on a flight. We started snogging on a flight and that's like our first ever. That's so fun though. Yeah, and then we hadn't even dated. Just kept on snogging. Didn't stop. That's so lovely. And I also think about having kind of a fun start with the fact that you were friends first.

54:01And I think what made me come away from a date with Dan when I think from the second date, I was like, okay, now I really know. is that I came away from that date and I voice noted my friend the next day when she said, how did it go? And I saved the... You got it. I could probably find out. I'll show you after this. Get out. I'm not playing it on air. Get out of me. But on our one year anniversary, I remembered that I'd sent that voice note and I went back through all of my WhatsApps with this one friend, who was actually called Sophie. And I found the voice note And I played it to him on our one year anniversary when we were like out at dinner and we were actually sat outside on the street.

54:41It was quite noisy. And I was like, put it right to your ear. You have to hear everything I've said. But I just said, I was like, this guy's different. Like we had so much fun together. And we were, I mean, yes, we got drunk, but also we were, we were like dancing around his kitchen and kind of putting on old, like 90s songs and fighting over like who was going to get to put on the song next. and like dancing and just being silly and just having so much fun together. Does he have an accent? No. Damn. It's the only one thing. I know. If he had a regional accent. If he had a regional accent, that would be him.

55:15That would be him forever. Tony, can I say thank you so much? This has been amazing. We like to end the conversation with eight questions. Okay. What's a saying or phrase that makes you smile or cheers you up? I think you posted this one on your Instagram recently And I promise I haven't just taken this from your Instagram To be like, Jamie, I like this one This too shall pass Oh yeah Only because I think it's so powerful to be reminded 100 % That everything is temporary Best compliment anyone's ever given you? I think the one my sister gave me About me being brave What do you love most about your sister?

55:56oh i can't copy her and say bravery but she is she is very brave but i would say her loyalty maybe perhaps i said that about dan too so i think loyalty is something i clearly really value what scares you most about yourself my mind not in the way it scared me in my teenage years but i think how deeply i can feel things and have this intense emotional world inside of me same as me can sometimes spiral i think it makes us great though yeah but it's controlling sometimes oh my down what's something you can't let go of anything that my son has ever used touched had any toy any old anything to the point where my sister and i went down into we have a basement in the house and one of the rooms in the basement is a storage room and it's a large room but it's you cannot walk the door of it because it's just boxes and baskets and things because I've kept any anything that I've ever had or or used with him for him whether it's like a teddy or an item of clothing or just yeah but I don't hoard anything else in life I'm really like a get rid of things organized you know have a clear out that is a problem because I reckon you'll want it when he's older right but my mom i'm so glad you kept my dummy when i was one yeah what's your guilty pleasure a guilty pleasure would be ordering on delivery so i don't even have to leave the house ben and jerry's cookie dough oh yeah which isn't even my favorite ben and jerry's it's just if i'm in this specific mood it has to be that gets too sweet sometimes it's good yeah yeah um and some other just kind of random chocolates and sweets and then just sitting in bed and just eating ice cream from the tub that's a real guilty pleasure of mine what turns you off negativity and drama 100 what turns you on connection positivity um like zest for life it's the best you know what do you like most about yourself my positivity i think actually coming from that one bonus who was your favorite youtuber oh my goodness I think I'd have to say the only like I don't watch very many youtubers now but I still watch Zoe and Alfie and I still love I know it's weird because I'm their friend I'm like a weird friend slash stalker I know you're in the hotel you and your son they're in there

58:33I just love their content they're just so genuinely them and I just find it so comforting and cosy that's what I would watch with my tub of cookie dough in bed and just like wholesome Tanya thank you so much you've been brilliant everybody thank you that's been amazing thank you so much that was amazing

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