Happy Place Hotline: Making connections and finding joy

0:00Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, email, spreadsheets, and our shared Google Doc, the Headline Hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle slash workspace with Gemini. That's G-O-O dot G-L-E slash workspace with Gemini.

0:34Whoever said good things come to those who wait? Never shop Black Friday early at Lowe's. Right now, get up to 50 % off select major appliances. Plus, get free delivery, free haul away, and free basic installation and parts when you spend$896 or more on select major appliances. Shop Black Friday early in-store and online now at Lowe's. Valid through 12-2 while supplies last. Selection varies by location. See associate at lowes.com for details.

1:05The holidays are busy enough without worrying about missed calls or customers. But just because you're swamped doesn't mean people stop calling. And if nobody picks up, that call goes to your competitor. That's why over 90 ,000 companies choose Quo, the business phone built for busy teams. Smart call routing sends calls to the right person. Shared numbers let your team cover for each other. And an AI agent picks up when nobody can, capturing every lead, so nothing falls through the cracks. Money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus, get 20 % off your first six months when you go to quo.com slash tech.

1:45That's Q-U-O dot com slash tech.

1:53Fearne Cotton: Hello, lovely people. I'm Fern Cotton, and this is Happy Place. This is actually the Happy Place Hotline. We've opened it again. I've gone full Minion today. I couldn't be more yellow if I tried. I've got my yellow hotline phone, yellow mic, yellow jumper. Bring it on. I'm very excited about this little hotline. I'm absolutely loving it. Basically, we have opened the Happy Place Hotline so that you can leave us messages, emails, voice notes, whatever you want about your life, your dilemmas, your questions, your issues, your stories, your embarrassing moments. You can literally use and abuse it in any way you desire.

2:33Fearne Cotton: In brackets, don't be an arsehole. So all you need to do if you want to drop us an email is email hello at happyplaceofficial.co.uk or as ever you can DM us on Instagram at happyplaceofficial, whatever floats your boat. But get in touch because we love hearing from you. So let me get to my first message. Apparently the emails have been pop enough. so I hear. First up, Claire in Norfolk. Hello, Claire. What does Claire say? Dear Fern, I'm not unhappy with the life I've built after divorce and an abusive relationship. I'm proud of the little life my son and I have, and I'm comfortable in my own company, but I don't know where to start with building connection back into my life.

3:20Fearne Cotton: I love my job, yet I sometimes find myself crying after spending time in the office. Strangely, I can feel lonelier surrounded by people who already seem to have their groups than I do working from home alone. I think what I'm missing is the feeling of being part of something. Friendships, people who think to include me and eventually perhaps someone to share an ordinary life with. I'm capable of doing life alone but I'm tired of always being the one carrying and initiating connection. When I pull back it can feel as though nobody notices and I start questioning my worth. I don't want to be needed because I'm useful or capable.

3:54Fearne Cotton: I want to know what it feels like to be thought of and wanted simply because I'm me. How do you build genuine reciprocal connections as an adult without feeling as though you're constantly chasing them? Claire, one excellent point, because I think lots of people out there feel like this. I mean, at one point, do we still have a loneliness minister in the UK? We did during COVID, because lots of people out there feel hugely disconnected. What I would say and what I've learned from now being in my 40s is that it's not the amount of people. It's the right people that need to be in your life. I definitely had some dynamics back in the day, but even actually into my 30s where I felt exactly like you, that I was doing a lot of chasing, but I wasn't getting anything back.

4:42Fearne Cotton: And it made me feel really paranoid. Like, am I? Do people not want to hang out with me? like am I you know annoying to be around or am I I don't know I'm too hectic I'm not good at chilling out I know these things about myself I'd got really really paranoid at that point with not all the dynamics but a few dynamics and then what I decided to do was bin them off put them in the bin I don't want to hang out with people that make me feel like I'm sort of trailing behind a sort of like you know when you really fancied a boy at school they didn't pay you any attention like look at me, look at me, please like me, please like me.

5:16Fearne Cotton: No, I refuse. I refuse. So I've got small circles in my life of friends that I know it's a two-way thing. It's a great little dynamic. I'm really, really fortunate that actually my six best mates I've known since I was five and we've all just stuck together like sisters. And that is kind of quite rare, I think, to have friends from that far back. And we don't get to hang out very, very often, but we've got one hell of a group WhatsApp, which is it's an all day affair. And my God, it makes my day. So I'm very, very lucky with that. But in terms of actually like going out, meeting with friends, seeing people, I do think there has to be an element of effort.

5:57Fearne Cotton: I went through a phase in my thirties where I was a real hermit. I didn't go anywhere. I was really knackered from having young kids. My mental health was really, really up and down at that point. I mean, it's not particularly plain sailing now, but it was really rocky back then. So a lot of the time it didn't feel safe to go out. I thought if I hide away at home, nothing bad can happen. And I lost loads of connections with people. I wasn't invited to parties. I remember one person, won't say who it is, saying to me, telling me they were having a party at that weekend. And they said, I haven't invited you because you won't come.

6:30Fearne Cotton: I mean, they were right, but I would have liked to have been invited. So I do think you've got to put the effort in at first and it can feel boring and laborious and like, why am I making all the effort? It's worth it. I love nothing more now than arranging a big old Sunday lunch at my house and I will invite lots of random people that don't know each other and then we just have a big old lunch and it's so fun I absolutely love doing it so I think if you've got the energy to do that to like organize a thing it's always quite lovely but make sure when you've left hanging out with that person really like take note of like how do I feel after I've been with them and I know like when I hang of people that I absolutely love, like my best mate Kai, one of my best mates, Claire, I've got those best mates, best mate Claire.

7:13Fearne Cotton: I was with my friends Josh and Tweeds at the weekend. I walk away feeling like I'm beaming with joy because I know they accept me for being who I am and that is reciprocal. I love them for exactly who they are. So I think then stick around with those people and I don't mind making great effort with those people. I will do the chasing, I will do the organizing. I will invite them to go away for the weekend, whatever it is, because I know that it's a really balanced two-way thing. You've got this. Maybe organize a little lunch and hang out with people that make you feel excellent, Claire. You've got this.

7:50Fearne Cotton: You've got this. You can do this, Claire. All right. Okay. On to the second one. Steve. We've got a man. Hello, Steve. What does Steve say? Dear fan, discovering your books and online work is changing my life. Oh come on please. For the better of course. Good. And is giving me hope. I'm 71 now. Sorry, I just thought I was talking to menopausal women. This has made my day. And society in general seems to not care much about old folk. I care. I'm wang on about this all the time. We need elders who have storytelling and wisdom. Steve, tell me all your stories. But I get comfort from Glastonbury Town and the shops and groups and caring people who live and work there.

8:38Fearne Cotton: It's exactly 100 miles for me to drive there, which is a bit spooky in itself. All I wanted to say really is a massive thank you. You have and are helping me a lot with your wonderful books. I'm going to cry. Oh, and when I had a breakdown about 40 years ago and spent two weeks in hospital, a lovely occupational therapist started me drawing and painting. I've loved it ever since. It's good, isn't it? I'm pleased you have found it as well. Take care. Keep smiling. Thank you. Steve.

9:12Steve.

9:14Fearne Cotton: That's made my bloody week. That's made my week. It's so weird because obviously me and the Happy Place team spend a lot of time in a windowless box. Yeah, this little room. And sometimes I forget that actually people are listening to this. And especially of writing a book because that is just the most sort of weirdly, you know, isolating insular activity. Just sat, I sit in my kitchen and write on my laptop and I just think, oh, I hope it's all right. And I would never, ever want to be that sort of knobby person that's like, oh, I really hope my work is helping people. I hope for the best. I hope that some people feel like, oh yeah, it's not just me who has these weird, mad thoughts.

9:56Fearne Cotton: But to get an email like that is so motivating. I think for all of the Happy Place team, like we really want to make good podcasts and good content that is doing something good because a lot of shit online and a lot of negativity and a lot of stuff that we can all spiral over. We want to make some room for the good, happy, joyful, liberating stuff. So Steve, I think you are brilliant and I love that you're getting something from Happy Place. I also love that you're painting and drawing. For me, that has really become a foundation for feeling mentally balanced. I painted a lot when I was younger and then when I had kids, it sort of went out the window and I'm only now they're older just getting back into it.

10:40Fearne Cotton: And it makes my heart sing and it makes my brain sort of flatline so I don't have any thoughts actually whilst I'm painting. and much like you Steve it just makes me feel well so I urge anyone else listening to this even if you think oh I'm not artistic I couldn't do it my mum was that person she said for years oh I can't paint it's your dad that's a good artist and now she goes to a weekly art club and she's painting the most brilliant pictures they're so great shall I find you one if you're watching this I'm going to show you because they're just they're adorable every I think it's Tuesday she goes to art club.

11:15Fearne Cotton: She sends me a little picture of what she's painted. And she, the thing about my mum is she's got a real style and I've never been able to really find what my style is. I just sort of paint what I see. But she's nailed it. I mean, this is adorable. This is Lynn Cotton's latest bit of artwork. How cute is that? It's so brilliant. So even if you don't think that you are arty, give it a go. Steve knows. Steve, You are the best. Love you, Steve. Oh, honestly, I'm going to literally be buzzing from that email for weeks. Hello? Oh, it's Hannah. Hi, Hannah. Hannah says, hi, Fern. I'm really enjoying the Happy Place hotline.

11:59Fearne Cotton: Good. I'm glad because, you know, we're just trying this shit out and hoping for the best. A few weeks ago, you recommended Catherine May's Wintering, which is one of my favourite books and one I keep returning to years after I first read it. It's so good. Catherine May is a genius. My question is, what do you do when you know you need to winter to have a period where you step back and hibernate a little bit, but you simply can't take a break from life? It's a good question. I'm at a point in my life in my mid-40s when my mind and body are screaming at me to give myself time and space. I know I need to take life more slowly, reduce the burdens on my nervous system and live more in tune with the seasons both of the year and my life but the reality is I have two young children to support.

12:43Fearne Cotton: I work in a creative career which is in crisis. My income has dropped, the cost of living is rising and there are more and more pressures placed on me every day. My parents are getting older and I'm an only child. My urge to step back and have a slow life is coming at a time when I'm forced to push harder than ever just to stay afloat. I find myself doing insane things such as playing the lottery, not my usual style, as I'm desperate for something to come along and allow me to live differently. So do you or other listeners have any ideas about how you can live more slowly and intentionally while you're in the middle of a storm?

13:16Fearne Cotton: Any and all ideas are welcome. Oh my God. Do you know what, Hannah? This is a situation that so many of us find ourselves in. I have had, without saying too much, because I've got to like, you know, remain private about some stuff that I'm still going through in my life, but it's been one hell of a year. And I feel the same. I'm in my mid 40s. I've been working for, I think it's 30 years next year without a break, apart from a little bit of maternity leave with my first kid. Didn't have any with my second kid. And at times I think, what am I doing? I don't want to get to hopefully an old age and think, oh my God, I just worked and worked and worked.

14:01Fearne Cotton: So I'm definitely in that frame of mind of trying to nudge out little bits of space where I can just exist and not be on that constant hamster wheel of parenting, working, parenting, working. I'm a solo parent. So it's just the juggle is absolutely nuts and like you say Hannah there's many women of our age who have also got elderly parents I've got two two of my very very close friends at the moment have got elderly parents with really serious health issues and it is taking up their whole lives basically caring for them and there are lots of societal issues that hinder us from being able to step back from our responsibilities I mean one of them is care for the elderly and how unbelievably extortionate it is and that there are few other options for people that have parents that are in crisis have physical or mental health issues and financially what you're meant to do in those situations it is back-breaking you know pile on top of that you've got young kids to look after and you know no wonder most of us middle-aged women are on the floor like on our knees going oh my god I can't see the wood for the trees.

15:14Fearne Cotton: I'm definitely not going to be able to solve any of these problems, but what I personally do, and I can only really speak to that, is first of all, I've stopped looking for those big moments of relief that I think are coming. Like, oh, I will feel okay and feel like I've got respite when I've done blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and this drama's out the way. and what I'm trying to do is really massively be present and lean in to those tiny little moments that happen in the middle of the day so yesterday I was driving my son to the golf range he's like golf obsessed at the moment and he's you know he's typical teenager he wants to be on his phone and I went hey buddy let's just not have phones we haven't got a chat let's just sit and drive to the golf range and we actually ended up having such a nice chat and he sort of opened up to me about a few things and we had just a really lovely little moment and I was really conscious in that little drive to go oh this is so nice this is really we're just having a little chat and this is me and him and this is so rare and so lovely at this point or at the weekend I was hanging out with some really good mates and we did a zip wire with the kids and we're all just screaming and laughing and being silly and I use those little moments as like you know when you charge a car like I've got an electric car which actually drives me up the wall half time because there's no electric chargers anywhere but you know when you charge your electric car like you leave it on for an hour and it's boosted so you can get home those little moments I charge myself up with them so I can get through the shit bits that are inevitable I'm not gonna be able to mitigate those they are happening but having those little moments where you recharge with like laughter um maybe even just sort of having a bath when the kids are in bed if that's possible or like reading a really bloody good book listening to a podcast on the way to work like really try and get charged up as much as you can from those tiny little moments because let's face it none of us are really going to be able to go do you know what I'm going to take a gap year at 45 bye everyone I'm off to Vietnam like it it's not going to happen so I think I have changed I've not lowered my expectations I've changed them so that I'm charging up from little tiny moments in my day or week so that when the shit hits the fan I'm at least able to try and navigate them But look, we're all in this together.

17:30Fearne Cotton: We've got this. We're going to get through it. We have no choice. All right, Hannah? Hannah? You've got this. I love doing these little questions and dilemmas and stories. This is like, this is charging me up. This is the charge. I'm having it now. I'm charging. I'm massively charging. We are so thrilled that you lovely listeners are enjoying our Happy Place hotline and that you're sending in your stories and your dilemmas and your questions. Keep them coming. It can be anything. It doesn't have to be a serious thing. It doesn't have to be a big drama. It can be something funny that happened to you this week, a story you want to share.

18:10Fearne Cotton: Good news. What good news has happened to you? I don't know. Did you find a hedgehog in the garden? I would class that as good news. Whatever it is, tell us. Tell us. Tell us your stuff. All right? And we'll read it out on here. So a reminder, you can DM us on Instagram at happyplaceofficial or you can email us. Oh, by the way, when you DM us, you can leave a voice note because that would be nice to share. You can send us an email. It's hello at happyplaceofficial.co.uk. And we would love to share your news and stories and questions and dilemmas. And thank you to Hannah and Steve and Claire, you three brilliant humans for getting those into us.

18:48Fearne Cotton: We absolutely love you. I'll see you next time.

18:57Thank you.

19:24Doc, the headline hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle slash workspace with Gemini. That's goo.gle slash workspace with Gemini.

20:21This message is brought to you by the Capital One Venture X card. Venture X offers the premium benefits you expect, like a$300 annual Capital One travel credit for less than you expect. Elevate your earn with unlimited double miles on every purchase, bringing you one step closer to your next dream destination. Plus, enjoy access to over 1 ,000 airport lounges worldwide. The Capital One Venture X card. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. Lounge access is subject to change. See CapitalOne.com for details.