#59 Etta

18:01Stevie Lane:Before Dimitri can launch into his next sentence, I jump in. So your brother, Gregor. Yeah, I'm familiar with him. He has this plan, which maybe you're also familiar with. When I'm finished rehashing Gregor's museum plan, Dimitri offers a laundry list of issues. There's a 99 to 100 percent chance of getting Lyme disease walking out of your car to the barn because it's high grass, a lot of deer, getting poison ivy. So there's also like horrible black mold because, as you know, the farmhouse burned down when my albino baker friend Theo stayed there and lit a fire in the roof and the whole house burned down.

18:36Stevie Lane:And along with his friend Theo's trouble, there was also his friend Sonam's trouble in that cursed place. My friend, who spent 25 years as a Buddhist monk under the Dalai Lama, had to use a broom to fight off a very large raccoon that was in the house and was, like, growling at us. Like, just horrifying. But for Dimitri, even more daunting than the rabid raccoons is changing his mother's mind on the matter. Whenever he's trying to clear space in his parents' home, it refills overnight, suggesting Etta's problem can't be solved by physical means. Instead, he thinks the problem has to be attacked at its psychological root.

19:11Stevie Lane:She needs to learn how to let go. And for this, Dimitri has just the solution. Well, maybe hypnosis.

19:22It stopped her from smoking, which is probably a more powerful psychological and physical addiction than collecting things.

19:28Stevie Lane:Etta was a pack-a-day smoker, a habit she hung on to for nearly 30 years. Our friend who was a hypnotist said, oh, I can hypnotize you. And she went into the session thinking, this isn't going to work. The whole time the hypnosis was going on, she was like, this isn't working, this isn't working. And then she walked out and never smoked again. He was an interesting person, too. His name was Saul Feldstein. He actually had one of his eyeballs was like hanging out of his face. And like it was like a sort of early commune hippie thing. Having grown up on TV sitcoms of the 1970s, I'm well aware of the power of hypnosis.

20:03Stevie Lane:Hypnosis gave Fred Flintstone the self-control to stop eating Brontosaurus burgers. It gave the Fonz the confidence that jumped Snake Canyon on his motorcycle. As a boy, I always wondered what it would feel like to have my full potential unlocked through the hypnotic arts. He was very successful as a hypnotist. Wow. Unlike building a museum, hypnosis requires neither time, effort, nor those awful stanchions that snap back with that loud thwacking sound that make everyone turn around and stare at you. Fully convinced that Saul Feldstein is the solution to all of our problems and that museums belong in a museum, Dimitri and I say our goodbyes.

20:56We're slating in on part two. Johnny discusses post-talking to Dimitri. Here we go.

21:02Stevie Lane:I need to tell Gregor that I like Dimitri's idea much better than his, but I need to tread lightly. From Cain and Abel to Stephen and Alec Baldwin, I know how competitive brothers can be. And unlike the Lord, or Alexander Ray Baldwin Sr., I don't want to be seen playing favorites. Do you think you're, like, hypnotism has a role in this? Well, I hear that, like, your voice went up an octave when we started talking about hypnotism and you got excited about hypnotism. Well, Dimitri seemed to think that it could help. Okay, so the two of you should go see a movie together. Going to movies is Gregor and my thing.

21:42Stevie Lane:Clearly, I'm arousing some jealousy. I need to keep my arguments away from Dimitri and grounded in the merits of hypnotism. This whole barn thing as the symptom. But through hypnosis... Why are you saying it with, like, the weird accent on the word hypnosis? I mean, do you think that hypnotism has something to offer here? My short answer would be absolutely not. I think it's a waste of time. Hypnosis. Hypnosis. Hypnosis. Hi, Johnny. How are you? Hey, Dimitri. Hi. I've got your brother Gregor on the line with me. We've met. Hi, how are you? Can you make the case to your brother? Sure, I just think that, you know, there's no harm.

22:29There's certainly nothing to lose. It takes 15 or 20 minutes, and she's proven that she's very susceptible to hypnotic suggestions, so why not try it? I agree with all those points. My main feeling is that getting someone to stop a behavior like smoking is much, much easier than getting someone to change their personality, which is harder to hypnotize someone out of. That may be true. I wouldn't disagree there.

22:51Stevie Lane:Swept up in a wave of brotherly bonamy, I decide it's a safe space to cautiously share my one secret boyhood longing. And along the way, I could get hypnotized out of something, too. Yeah, a lot of stuff. Yeah. And immediately regret it. What do you mean a lot of stuff? I mean that smug smile they could work on. We could give you a whole brand new thing where you're like super charming all the time. Being more able to look people in the eye. Not always hide behind a microphone. Actually, you know, there is, all joking aside, there is a new hypnosis that works on what's called voluntary baldness syndrome, where they realize that a lot of men are sort of doing it on purpose.

23:27Why would someone do that on purpose? Well, it turns out that hair loss is more of like an act of willful insolence often and a cry for pity. I used to love my hair.

23:39Stevie Lane:Well, if you loved it so much, why did you get rid of it? First of all, I find it offensive. And Gregor, chime in here because I'm sure you're equally offended. No, Dimitri used to be bald as an egg, and then he willed it back on. I think if you did it at the same time with my mother, we can get a two-for-one deal. Package deal. I'm just saying, it's science. If you read the New England Journal of Medicine, it's a big deal. With Gregor and Dimitri aligned and friends again at my expense, I set out in search of the one-eyed hippie hypnotist Saul Feldstein. But it turns out Saul died in 2019 at the age of 92.

24:15Stevie Lane:So I reach out to other hypnotists, all of whom pretty much hang up on me once I explain the project. So hypnotism is out. The museum is out. I'm stuck with my crap personality. And Etta is stuck with her house full of crap. And Gregor is still at an impasse. But things are about to change. Coming up after the break, Etta's big night. Hey, you know what that guy said to me? Just now this guy told me that I was beautiful. Well, you are. What's going on here?

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26:41Stevie Lane:Intuit Enterprise Suite is the AI-native ERP solution that's powerful, painless, and proven. Learn more at intuit.com slash ERP. I thought I looked so cute. I pieced together a cute outfit. And this girl comes up to me, just sits next to me, telling me, Oh, hey, girl, I see your skin. I know what you're suffering with. I just remember feeling so just like distraught and like robbed of my time. When I finally freed myself of that conversation, the lights were coming on and the party was over. It felt like I had a sticker on my forehead that said, she has eczema. We've all been there, wanting to go out, feeling cute, forgetting about all your problems and just existing in the present with joy.

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27:49Stevie Lane:Gregor tells me that Etta has been offered a show at the Carter Burden Gallery in Manhattan. Etta is an outsider artist, so the offer of her own solo exhibition feels like finally, at the age of 88, she's being invited inside. The show, with its formal invitations and coat check, feels like validation. It's the kind of opportunity Etta has always hoped for. And for Gregor, it feels like an opportunity for her pieces to find good homes outside her home. The show opens on March 21st, 2019. Gregor and I make a plan to speak the morning after so he can tell me how it went. When we speak, what Gregor tells me is that things that night took a wild turn.

28:34Stevie Lane:Do you want to explain? Sure. I flew into town for my mom's art opening. Okay, we're here at the art opening. It's a pretty good crowd. Everyone's eating wine and cheese. And it's great, but it's so loud. It was almost like a cartoon version of my mom's success story in that, like, some stranger guy came up and was like, you're a beautiful woman. You're beautiful. Thank you. It's very nice to hear you. Her ego was buffed from many sides, everything going great.

29:10Stevie Lane:Gregor's dad, Milt, on the other hand, wasn't having as good a time. He spent most of the evening in the corner, nibbling on crackers. At the end of the night, Gregor approached him. Well, Father, what did you make it up? Oh, it's very nice. It was a little bit exhausting. He seemed like, even though he sometimes talks in a quiet voice, he was especially quiet. Like, I could hardly hear him. On the drive home, Milt conked out. When the family couldn't rouse him, they realized he wasn't just sleeping, but completely unconscious. Etta began yelling, wailing Milt's name. He was driven to the hospital where the EMTs lifted him onto a gurney.

29:53Stevie Lane:The doctors thought he might be having a stroke, but they couldn't say for sure. In the waiting room, Etta turned to Gregor and said, you might as well order the dumpsters right now, meaning you win, empty out the house. Because if Milt isn't coming back to it, that's it.

30:13Stevie Lane:How do you know when the Democlean sword of mortality isn't just dangling above you, but actually falling? How do you know when it's time to pick up the remote, turn off Rachel Maddow, and finally act? The night, a milestone in Edda's career, was meant to symbolize a turning point, and it was, just not the kind she was hoping for. Milt was eventually sent home from the hospital, but his collapse signaled a change for Gregor, too. For so long, he'd been saying, maybe it's time, but maybe it was time to stop saying maybe.

30:56Hello?

30:57Stevie Lane:Hi, it's Gregor and Jonathan. Oh, and I thought this was a scam call. How do you like that? How are you? Well, I wouldn't be so sure it's not. We haven't finished the call yet. Right. So what's the pitch? Johnny wanted to dredge up a bunch of painful family issues. Oh, sure, why not? The painfuler, the better. I want to talk with Etta about the night of the yard opening and the way it affected her thinking about remaining in the house. I won't be able to stay here alone. either I will become ill or Milt will become ill and I need somebody to help me. There is a new little piece in my head that says things are going to change.

31:39Stevie Lane:In the aftermath of the art show opening, as Etta's new reality sunk in, another plan began to take shape, one that Etta came up with. Her idea is to pair each of her message-on-a-bottles with the right person. In this way, each one will find the right home. I now have a whole shelf full of stuff that I'm now earmarking to give away. That's something that you've not normally done? No. I only gave very few things away, you know, to my best friend or to the kids or something like that. Very few. Very, very few. Do you think it's at the beginning of something? More of this to come? Yeah, yeah, it has to be.

32:24It has to be. I take it very seriously when I think of giving a person a bottle. I have to think, would it be good for that person? Okay, now we're rolling. All right.

32:38Stevie Lane:A few weeks later, I call Gregor to see how Etta's bottle drive is coming along. So she called me this morning saying, I thought of the perfect person to give the perfect bottle to, but I'm afraid it's going to hurt his feelings. Okay She wants to give you a bottle She wants to give Okay, well that, wow That's really nice Why would that hurt my feelings? You know, if you give someone a bottle That says like I wish I was present Then it's sort of an implication that you're not present You know what I mean? It could be interpreted sometimes as sort of a criticism So I don't know how you'll take it Well, did she tell you what my bottle says?

33:19that's as much as I can say at this point. That's as much as I'm authorized to say.

33:29Stevie Lane:Even though I should know better, know how Gregor will dangle this knowledge over my head like a cat dancer, my curiosity gets the better of me. And so I keep asking Gregor what the bottle says, which he uses as an opportunity to dissect my personality. All I can say, he says, is that it addresses some of your deep-seated issues. Despite all your insights about other people, you sort of tend to remove yourself from the collective and put yourself in the position of, like, journalistic observer. Uh-huh. When you have these insights, you know, your dime store insights you bolt on at the end of things where you're like, maybe we all need someone to run to.

34:08That hallmarky nonsense that you tend to spout at the end of these. What a jerk.

34:12Stevie Lane:You feel comfortable just saying something like that to someone? Telling me about my dinosaur. No, see, I knew you were going to take it the wrong way. What's the right way to take that? I think sometimes you sort of make yourself resistant like, oh, I don't matter. I'm just the fly on the wall to watching the human condition as, you know, people live and die and suffer and babies are born and old people lowered into the ground. Oh, and the dirt hits the coffin. That reminds me of my sponsor. I think you just use this thing to remove yourself from what's actually going on. Okay, all right. You're like, you know what would really make this thing sing?

34:49Now let me just get a shot of you throwing your art off the bridge. That's what we need to finish this.

34:55Stevie Lane:Maybe Gregor thinks I'm being too prying with his mom, and this is just an expression of his protectiveness. So I apologize to him and tell him I'll try to be more respectful. It turns out that Gregor has little respect for my respect. Yeah. Hey, lady, I can be more respectful. I won't tell you to throw your stuff in the garbage. I'll tell you to throw it in the recycling bin. That way it don't wind up in the landfill. You understand? Very respectful-like. We'll even separate out the green bottles from the clear glass.

35:35Very good, Johnny.

35:36Stevie Lane:Why would you even let me speak to your mother? I don't know. I mean, I thought maybe you could patch things up. I don't know.

35:50Stevie Lane:Over the next couple years, Etta continues to slowly search out the right homes for her bottles. Whereas in the past, Etta was only able to give away a few, Gregor estimates that she hands out about 100. During this time, Milt is in and out of the hospital with cardiac issues ranging from fainting spells and high blood pressure to an actual heart attack. But then, in the summer of 2022, it's Etta who received some bad news. Three years after Gregor and I first spoke, Gregor phones to tell me his mother has been diagnosed with brain cancer. The doctor found nine metastases in her brain. They went to three different hospitals in five days, and the consensus was that it wasn't a matter of months, but of weeks.

36:36Stevie Lane:In what felt like only days, Etta went from carrying laundry up the stairs to needing to be carried up the stairs herself.

36:48Stevie Lane:With Etta's illness, Gregor decides to move in, the whole family does, into the big packed house they grew up in. A hospital bed is set up on the main floor in Etta's old office, and Gregor wakes up at sunrise and sits at Etta's bedside in silence. He speaks with her, makes her comfortable. He tells her it's okay to go, that everything is okay.

37:14And I stayed there for six weeks, eight weeks, and sort of did the bedside vigil as she slowly died.

37:27In those final weeks, Gregor saw a change come over Etta. In the years running up to her death, she would say things like, listen, there's a rolled-up rug in the attic. That's worth a lot of money. make sure that they don't, you know, cheat you out of that one. That was always kind of a sort of joke, sort of real thing. But when the actual room of death and dying was happening, that stuff didn't really come up. It felt more like she was at peace with a lot of stuff. And a lot of the stuff she told me, she would be laying there with her eyes shut but smiling. And I'm like, you know, Mom, what are you thinking about?

38:08And she was just, just with her hand, she would indicate that she's, like, dancing by just flowing her hand in the air. It felt like a great death.

38:21Stevie Lane:The words on the bottles had finally sunk in. In the end, Etta could dance out of the world gracefully, no grasping. It's the living who are left to grasp. Since my mom died, it feels like it's harder to throw things out than I thought. This is Gregor's sister Lexi again. Like Etta, Lexi is an artist. And like Gregor, she's surprised by how, after all the years trying to get her mom to let go of her stuff, she herself is finding it so hard to let go of that very same stuff. It just feels really hard to, like, her art, it's like a part of her. Yeah. But it's not her. Yeah. I had an interesting conversation with my dad the other day, who is, of course, really, you know, grief stricken.

39:15And he was saying, why do people make art? And he thinks the reason people make art is so that they're not forgotten when they die. Like you do something that remains in the world.

39:30I think of her a lot.

39:33Stevie Lane:do you still carry with you your mother's love? Do you feel it? I carry her with me.

39:42I mean, in the way that, you know, when I experience something, I can't help but hear my mother's voice making fun of me for my description of what I'm experiencing. I might be describing something, telling her about just some quotidian thing in the day, you know, this is a nice sunset, but it would be nicer if that truck weren't backing up. And I can hear her being like, why are you so rotten? What is wrong with you? I mean, that type of thing.

40:25Stevie Lane:You can try to move your aging parents out of their house. You can treat death like a to-do list with items to check off. But ultimately, you can't control how people live or die. Even after Etta's death, Milt remained in that very same house. It's Dimitri and his own family that move in, so that Milt doesn't have to be alone. And over the next few years, Gregor, in fits and starts and with disregard for what anyone thinks, continues to work on the museum. Only, it's become less about a full-fledged museum open to the public and more of just a place to honor his mom. And then one day, Gregor texts saying he found a sealed box in the Victorian with my name on it, written in Etta's hand.

41:12Stevie Lane:When the box arrives, I unravel what seems like yards and yards of bubble wrap. Etta had taken great care. The bottle is a beautiful blue, the blue of a childhood toy. It's curvaceous and feels good in my hand. Upon it, Etta laid out her words to me. I would love to live like a river flows Carried by the surprise of its own unfolding See what I mean? I do But how dare she? I'm kidding Cue the outro music Cue the dime story in sight Whether it's to a museum in the wilds of upstate New York Or to a landfill None of us knows where we're flowing In the face of that We need to learn how to let go My feeling about what comes after death is constantly changing.

42:06Stevie Lane:I don't have a spiritual practice, so all I have is a feeling. And my feeling today is that bodies are vessels, just like colorful bottles are vessels, just like podcasts and houses packed with stuff, and all of art is. It's all just stuff. And stuff can be beautiful, but it's there to help us get closer to the non-stuff. because, like the words Etta inscribed on one of her final bottles, all important matters are invisible.

43:02Thank you.

43:30Now that the last month's rent is scheming with the damaged deposit Take this moment to decide If we meant it, if we tried

43:45Stevie Lane:Or felt around for far too much From things that accidentally touched

43:58Stevie Lane:This episode of Heavyweight was produced by Phoebe Flanagan and me, Jonathan Goldstein. Our senior producer is Kalila Holt, and our supervising producer is Stevie Lane. Editorial guidance from Emily Condon. Special thanks to Steve Marsh, Amy Gaines McQuaid, and Sarah Nix. Our production counsel is Jake Flanagan. Emma Munger mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K. Sampson, and Bobby Lord. Additional scoring by Boxwood Orchestra and Blue Dot Sessions. Our theme song is by The Weaker Thans, courtesy of Epitaph Records. Follow us on Instagram at heavyweightpodcast or email us at heavyweightatpushkin.fm.

44:37Stevie Lane:And if you'd like your very own Etta B. Ehrlich original, her bottles can be found on her Instagram at ettabeerlich. We'll be back next week with a new episode. Can you believe it? Back in the saddle. Hiding behind that mic. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

45:08Stevie Lane:So I wanted to go through the entire thing just to make sure of the fact and also make sure that— The art that your mother made. She put bird poop with googly eyes. Is that correct? She spelled it with two Gs? Okay, how many times would you say you were rejected by girls?

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