How To Date: BONUS EPISODE - Your dating questions answered…

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0:42Limited time in participating US restaurants. How to Date is proudly sponsored by Morrison's. Welcome to this very special bonus episode of How to Date. You've been with us for eight weeks now and you'll know that this is the podcast that helps you navigate modern romance. I'm podcaster and author Elizabeth Day. And I'm Mel Schilling, Relationship Coach. And for this bonus episode, we reached out and asked you what burning questions you have when it comes to dating. Let's just say we had a very full postbag. Thank you to everyone who wrote in. We're going to be answering just as many as we can today.

1:23So should we get started, Mel? Well, I'm ready if you are. Let's do it. Okay, so the first question we have is from Peachy. What a lovely Instagram username. I love that, Peachy. And Peachy asks, how, as a fearful avoidant, hyper-independent, through many, many letdowns person, do you learn to be open? Oh, what a description. Wow, I'm sure there's lots of people who can relate to a self-description like that one. oh gosh I guess the first thing that comes up for me Peachy reading your self-description is you've got a lot of pain haven't you I can I can hear this I can feel it from the way you're describing yourself and I wonder if the first question back to you Peachy would be do you actually feel like you're ready to be open I don't know I don't know I would ask you to perhaps reflect on that because if you are describing yourself in this way, would you rather spend a little bit more time on you?

2:31Yes. Gosh, that took me so deep so quickly, Mel. And this is why she is who she is. Thank you for answering it like that. I also want to say, Peachy, I'm so sorry that you've had so many letdowns. And that's such a horrible experience when you feel that you put your faith in something or someone and it doesn't turn out how you expected or in the way that you hoped. And so I think we both want to acknowledge that feeling of disappointment and as Mel says, of pain. And I think Mel's totally right that we don't have to bounce back immediately. If you've experienced rejection or letdown, there will be a necessary period of grieving that, of mourning what you've lost.

3:21Not every loss is as big or as small as the last one. So I think it's up to you to work out an appropriate amount of time. And sometimes we never get over rejection or loss. Sometimes it becomes part of us, but it can be part of us in a really beautiful and helpful way. It can become part of us that makes us more vulnerable. It can become part of us in a way that might meet that need in someone else. Maybe someone else has also experienced similar things and that will be the point where you connect and that might make whatever relationship comes from that stronger. And so I think it's really important not to beat yourself up about the way that you're feeling first off.

4:02and then the second thing I would say and we've touched on this during the pod class that again you don't have to make the big decisions straight away you can start small once you're ready you can start experimenting with small tiptoes into the direction of being more open again whether that is as Mel said on a previous episode saying hello to the barista who makes your coffee in the morning smiling at someone who is walking their dog in the park, having a chat with the postman, just having those small moments of interconnection and vulnerability can really help you build up again to trusting that there are good people out there.

4:44Couldn't have said it better myself. That's the ultimate compliment, Peachy. Thank you so much for writing in and we wish you the best of luck. Our second question today comes from Kate. Does age matter? Kate, we had so many questions actually about age and life stage. And I suppose my answer to this is multifaceted. On the one hand, I think, no, it shouldn't matter. In the sense that I think you fall in love with the person and the context in which you meet them and how that has shaped them. but it does matter if you are at vastly different life stages and so I think that's what you need to get honest with yourself about it's about whether you think that there will be a deeper conflict beyond what the number is attached to how many years you've been on this earth that is to do with the stage you're at in life and the stage that your potential partner is at in life and is that ever overcomable and that's something that only you can decide in conversation with them.

5:53I think you've hit on such an important point there. It's not about age, it's about stage. You know, you could have two people who are exactly the same age, but one might be ready for a family. The other might be ready to travel the world. You know, you might not have those things aligned. And it can be helpful here to look at four Fs. We love an F word here at How to Date. Yes, we do. If you think about things like finance, family, fitness and freedom. Oh, that's so good. And fuckability, number five. Let's add that in there too for good measure and the feel good factor. We'll add in that too.

6:33Where is each partner at in regard to those things? And those tend to give you a good sense of life stage. You know, if you just take finances, for example. One person might be at a stage in their life and career where they're ready to get serious, maybe to invest in property or something else. Maybe they're saving for something important. Whereas the other person might be wanting to just go out and drink and buy clothes and have a totally different set of values where it comes to finance. And you can see if you go through each of those, same with family, freedom, fitness. So it can just be a nice little self-test to kind of check in and see where are we both that in relation to these big ticket items.

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8:02Okay, one here from Maria. Do X's deserve a second chance in your life? Maria, I love this. Such a good question. And this is one we hear all the time and I love it because if you were to jump into everybody's WhatsApp group messages, I think this one would come up a lot, or at cocktails or at coffees. This is such a hot topic because there's this sense of what if I've missed the potential greatest love of my life? You know, and people have these ideas of fast forwarding to the end of your life and being on your deathbed and looking back and thinking, oh, did I miss the great love of my life? So there's something I think very romantic and almost fantasy-like tied in with this idea of going back to an ex.

8:49But let's be real here. It's not just fantasy. There's a whole lot of realness as well. I think you've got to start with why did you break up? because it's very easy to get those rose-coloured glasses on down the track, isn't it? And to look back and think, oh, I only remember the nice times. But there were reasons that you broke up. So I think it's important to keep those top of mind. And then to ask the question, have those issues that led to the breakup changed? Are they still there? Are you essentially dipping into the definition of insanity by trying to do the same thing and get a different outcome?

9:28or do you know that both you and your former partner have done some work, have moved on, have addressed some of those issues that led to the breakup? If that's the case, maybe it's worth another try. There is a very human tendency to think, well, what if? And especially if you're feeling unhappy or dissatisfied in some way in your current status, whether that's in a relationship or single, it's only natural that you might look back at past relationships and think, oh, what if I had, we had made a different choice, made a different decision? Maybe that was it. Maybe that was the solution. And Mel is right.

10:05It is a story you are telling yourself. And stories can be very blinkered to facts. And first of all, I want to salute you for having an imagination that is capable of telling this kind of story. What a wonderful quality that is. But just remind yourself that ultimately, if that relationship were going to work, I'm a firm believer that it would have done, that you would therefore still be in it. The fact that you're not in it speaks to me that something went awry and that one or other of you or both of you were not the right fit. And ultimately, if someone has acted in a way that has hurt you, I don't think that you can separate their actions from their character.

10:46The only The mild exception to this rule, I think, is if you had a teenage relationship, that because of where you were at in terms of life stage and maturity, maybe didn't go anywhere. Maybe you left school and just passed it across again. Sometimes, I think maybe those exes might deserve a second chance. or it's an ex where you have both done the work, whatever led to the problems have been solved and you've moved on. True. Brene Brown says that you can have five marriages with the same person and I don't think she means that literally as in getting divorced and getting married again, but you're right.

11:27Maybe you did split up and maybe you have done the work and maybe you're in a slightly different place now and you've evolved a bit as individuals. Number five comes from Jo.

11:43Jo, thank you so much for writing in with this. This is a very, very tricky one to navigate. Yes. On the one hand, I think it's incredibly important to be supportive of your partner and respectful of where they are on their journey with their own sexuality. and as long as they are showing up as themselves with you and you feel confident in that I think that it is not only okay but advisable to give them a bit of time and it's really up to the two of you I think to navigate that within your relationship and I would be as clear as possible in as loving a way as possible saying to your partner how this makes you feel.

12:34Because the potential is that it might make you feel, Jo, like you are a grubby little secret or someone that they are ashamed to be with. And I'm pretty sure that that's not what's going on for them. What's going on for them might be any number of triggers from the past, dysfunctional relationships within their family unit. And they are taking some time to work out how to handle that. And so I think it's about clear and loving communication, but also making it very clear that you don't want to live as a secret in their lives forever. And maybe flagging that and giving a time limit on that, that you don't even need to vocalize it, but just that you're aware of in your head that you would have liked to have seen some evolution, some progress, that makes you feel at the centre of their love.

13:34That was beautiful. I think the only thing I would add would be for you, Jo, thinking in terms of your own priorities and values in your life, how important is it to you to have a partner who is out and proud with you? If this is something that is of utmost importance, is that going to lead to, you know, heartbreak for you? If it's not that high on your priorities, for example, if something like being in a beautiful, positive, loving relationship is more important than that, then this might be something that slips down the priority list. So I guess just thinking about that in terms of all those big, important things in the relationship, how high on the hierarchy would your partner being out sit?

14:22Yes, it goes back to those global personal red flag slash deal breakers that we discussed in episode five. We wish you luck, Jo. Thank you for writing in. Okay, this one's from Anonymous. If I'm meeting someone for the first time and they're already inside ordering a drink or they're already looking at the menu when I arrive, I immediately write them off as a no. Am I too judgmental? Yes. Next.

14:53What's going on here, Anonymous? Let's try and understand this. So is Anonymous feeling that he or she is not important enough for them to wait? Oh, that's interesting. Do you think? Or are they thinking that their date is gluttonous and just needs to get the drink and food down them? I think that's, yes, your psychological insight is far more acute there, Mel. And maybe that is what's going on. Maybe. I think that's so interesting because Anonymous, what that flags is that maybe you need to look at what response that's triggering for you. Like where is that coming from? Your own sense of self-worth.

15:34Yes, exactly. Yeah. But I do think there's so much judgment in modern dating. There's so much kind of fear of the ick where as soon as someone does something or wears the wrong kind of sock or whatever it is, we write them off. And I wonder if that's getting something slightly more deeper rooted, which is we live in a culture where there is an illusion of endless choice. And that can feel so overwhelming sometimes, especially if you're on the dating apps, especially if you believe that we exist in a sort of swipe right, swipe left society where everything is transient and we're constantly looking for the thing that is perfect or better.

16:16Maybe that's also playing into this. So I think there is something there for Anonymous, isn't there, about judgment? Yes. I think there might also be something about self-talk. I wonder, Anonymous, when you're arriving to this restaurant or cafe or bar and you're seeing this person already getting on with the business of having dinner, what are you telling yourself? What is the story that you're telling yourself? Are you actually saying, oh, well, why should I even bother? he or she's already having dinner it's not like it matters whether I'm there or not or are you saying they're a glutton look at them all I can do is eat they don't care about me what is it that's going on for you and are you overthinking it yes is it just a hungry person who's waiting for you yes you know sometimes a headache is just a headache I wonder is it also that you think that's rude or impolite in some way right is this a values clash yes potentially Exactly.

17:16And I'm not judging you anonymous for thinking that's rude. But who has told you that that is rude? And is it someone whose life you want to emulate? Good question. Is this from Family FM? Do you know I love this? One of my mentors taught me this. When you're thinking about your own self-talk going on in your head, and sometimes it's your family's expectations and the shoulds showing up, you can just change the station. Yes. Change it from family FM to me FM. Take it to DAB. We're in 2025. Exactly. The world's your oyster. It's really made me think about whether, because I went for dinner the other day, totally platonic, and the person I was meeting was running slightly late and I ordered myself a drink.

18:01Is that rude? Anonymous might think so. Anonymous, was it you? Was it you who I went for dinner with? Brian? Did you write in? That was so funny. Okay, well, thank you so much for writing in. Okay, the next one is from Aisha. I'm 30 and always immediately subconsciously try to figure out if they are the one and those words were capitalized. Thoughts? Oh, Aisha, I think we've all been there. Yes. Again, it goes back to the previous questioner. First of all, I want to salute you for having a wonderful fertile imagination and a brain that is capable of telling you brilliant stories. because that means that you have it within your power to imagine your future and possibly to manifest it.

18:46So that's a really, really wonderful superpower. I also secondly want to say don't shame yourself for having these thoughts. The very fact that you can acknowledge them, that you are aware enough to realize that's what you're doing is a really healthy sign. And actually, I think, again, it's very human to be a certain age and to think, can I see myself with this person? particularly when you're entering your 30s there's this myth that you turn 30 and then that's your decade for sorting everything out and both Mel and I can speak to the fact that we met our people in our late 30s and so life actually isn't a race but your 30s particularly if you are a cisgendered woman and you want to have children they are a really difficult decade to navigate trying to silence that voice that society has placed in there and our own biology is placed in there, which tells us that we need to find someone to settle down with and to have our family with.

19:48And I would encourage you as much as possible to slightly separate that, because sometimes it can cloud your judgment when you do meet someone and you decide to ignore all of the red or pink flags because you are so, so keen to make it work in time. And actually, I want you to know that we have been sold this myth that age diminishes us as women. And my experience is absolutely the opposite. I feel more and more powerful and more and more myself. And that's something to bear in mind as well. Yeah, absolutely. I love that you're self-aware enough to reflect and realize that this is the thought you're having going into a date.

20:30Not everyone's aware of that. So that's good. This is a good thing. It also tells me that you know what your dating goal is. You want a relationship. You want a serious, committed, long-term relationship. Great. That's half the battle won in many ways. Because now that you know what you want, you can essentially retrofit the steps that you take back to where you are now. So check in on your self-talk. Are you so fixated on the potential of this person being the one that you're not actually enjoying the moment? That would be my question for you because it's easy to become preoccupied with the future at the expense of the present.

21:10So give yourself that opportunity to enjoy the moment, to just be curious and get to know this person as they are in front of you in the moment. I think a challenge here would be to somehow separate out what you want in the future from what you're experiencing in the present. It probably feels very natural to conflate those together and that can be very confusing. Try to separate them. And I would also say if someone is going to be the person that you want to pursue a long-term relationship with and who does offer you the things that you've identified that you want, the decision about whether to be a one is not yours alone.

21:48so you can't approach something with magical thinking and determine that this person will be the one if only you do all of these things and therefore as Mel says you need to stay curious in the present and you need to allow the other person space for them to come forward and it's going to be a co-created thing if you are each other's ones how helpful Mel just a question from E-Day listener, is this entire concept of the one? I personally don't think it's that helpful because it's that binary thinking of all or nothing. And I think it can lead to people putting a lot of pressure on themselves and on their partner or potential partners.

22:32Whereas if you look at it as though, you know, in a lifetime, there might be a handful of wonderful people that I can connect with on a really, really deep level and have beautiful, highly compatible relationships with, then it takes a bit of that pressure off. And I think it keeps your feet on the ground. Yeah. And I think that might also help. So thank you, Aisha, for your question. And actually, that's a sort of seamless link into the next question, because we got so many questions from people who are dating post-divorce. A lot of people who are navigating dating with children and finding that understandably challenging.

23:09And one here from Amy who says, dating post-divorce alongside turning 60. Most men of my age want a nurse. Help. Oh, Amy, you don't want to wipe anyone's bum. No, I mean, unless it's a consensual sexual practice. Oh, no kink shaming here. But Amy, I don't think that's what you want. No. And I do hear this from people, not just women, people of a certain age who are looking around at their peers and getting the ick. Yes. You know, particularly if you're a person who is very young at heart, who's really virile and energetic and, you know, you still want to travel the world and all of a sudden you've got your life back, perhaps your kids have moved out, they've become more independent and you've got this whole freedom and future opening up before you.

24:00You don't want to be tied down to someone who is ready to hang up their boots. It's about stage again, isn't it? What we were talking about earlier, not necessarily age because we know, you know, that once you are 60 and above, people age at very different paces, don't they? Depending on health and wellness and so on. You want to be with someone who shares the stage of life you're at and the goals, I guess, in life. Yes, and the mindset. You're so right. I think also there's something about dating post-divorce because many of the people who've written in have been married for sometimes, you know, 20 plus years.

24:41And I know I can completely empathize. It feels so scary because you feel like you're navigating an entirely new world. And then if you have to factor in children as well, there's a whole layer of complexity there too. So first of all, I just want to say well done. for showing up vulnerable and taking this chance that something different might happen next. Another way of packaging that is to look at it as opportunity, that these are uncharted territories and that is also a blank canvas on which you can paint a different kind of future. And actually, the flip side of anxiety can sometimes be excitement and perhaps it's time to get excited about what happens next.

25:25I love this for you, Amy. You have a really exciting opportunity here. And I think the very fact that you've written in and you're engaging with us here tells us that you are really enthusiastic about making this work. I have an idea for you, Amy. Wouldn't it be amazing if you could surround yourself with some hand-picked people? Let's call it your dating squad. And imagine if you had someone in their 50s, their 40s, their 30s and their 20s. Obsessed with this idea. Wouldn't this be great to get advice from all of those people of the different decades and generations? Because you're new to this current dating world, aren't you?

26:09In terms of the rules, the roles, the tech, oh, the tech. And maybe there's a child or a grandchild that you can include in there who can help you out with some of the technical side of it. Wouldn't it be great to just get all of that wisdom from all of those generations about dating to give you a head start as you jump into this next exciting chapter. Yes, that's a great idea. I also just wanted to add a thought here about dating with kids. I think just be open about it from the outset. Don't do what they do in Married at First Sight. Well, I imagine the producers are saying, why don't you just reveal that you've got a kid after you've got married at the altar don't do that because i just think if someone has an issue with that then they're not for you and so just to be upfront and straightforward about it from the off

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28:08the next one is a really serious one it's from Rajiv who asks about dating with a long-term health condition for example MS or living with a catheter how do you approach this in a relationship oh Rajiv this is a really tough one but I'm so glad that you've brought it to us And I've got to say, given my recent experience with cancer and going through chemo, I've had a real taste of what it feels like to be living with a serious health issue. And whilst I wasn't dating during that time, I certainly thought about what would it be like. You know, there were times when I was in on the ward having, you know, infusions with a dozen other people and watching each of them with their loved ones coming and going and being a behavioral scientist or sitting there trying to figure out what their relationships were.

29:04And I did get to thinking about how would it be if I was feeling like this in my body at the moment, which, by the way, didn't feel like my body at all. How would it be if I was dating, if I was putting myself out there? And I guess one of the things that came up for me was it felt like there were two of me, you know, the real me and the illness, as though they were two separate things. and I do wonder what that would be like if you were dating. And of course, my experience with cancer has really been quite short, you know, compared to that that a lot of people go through. And then if we're talking about MS or Parkinson's or something that's degenerative, then, you know, you're living with that for the rest of your life.