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Podcast Summary: How To Fail With Elizabeth Day - Episode "How To Date: The Most Important Relationship You’ll Ever Have"
Overview In the final episode of *How To Date*, hosts Elizabeth Day and Mel Schilling explore the essential relationship we have with ourselves. They delve into themes of self-respect, self-worth, and the importance of nurturing a healthy relationship with oneself as a foundation for all other romantic relationships.
Key Themes
- The Importance of Self-Relationship
- Self-Respect and Self-Worth: The hosts emphasize that understanding and respecting oneself is crucial before entering into relationships with others.
- Interdependence vs. Codependence: They discuss the balance of being independent while also being in a relationship, advocating for interdependence rather than codependence.
- Acceptance and Self-Love
- Self-Acceptance: Acknowledging imperfections and loving oneself, including the “wobbly bits,” is essential for personal growth and better relationships.
- Practical Tools for Self-Love:
- Affirmations: Using affirmations to reinforce self-worth.
- Journaling: Engaging in reflective practices to understand oneself better.
- Humor: Sharing feelings with trusted friends to lighten the burden.
- Understanding Relationship Dynamics
- Clarity of Needs: Recognizing and expressing personal needs in relationships is vital. Elizabeth encourages listeners to communicate their desires clearly.
- Decision Making and Intuition: Trusting oneself to make the right decisions is fundamental, especially after experiencing turbulence in past relationships.
- Experiences and Insights from Special Guests
- Justin and Gareth: The hosts invite their husbands to share their experiences of self-discovery prior to their relationships, emphasizing the importance of personal growth.
- Funnel Theory of Dating: Justin discusses his approach to dating as a process of data acquisition – meeting many people to find the right match.
Key Takeaways
- Self-Love Is Not Self-Indulgence: Learning to love oneself is a necessary part of personal development and not a sign of being spoiled.
- The Journey of Dating: It’s important to take breaks when feeling overwhelmed in the dating scene and to focus on personal growth.
- Mutual Happiness: It's not one partner's job to make the other happy; rather, both individuals should cultivate their own happiness and support each other’s joy.
Final Thoughts
- Mel and Elizabeth conclude the podcast by reinforcing the idea that a solid self-relationship leads to healthier and more fulfilling romantic relationships. They remind listeners to embrace their worth and to communicate openly, paving the way for stronger connections.
Resources
- Worksheets and Resources: The hosts offer worksheets and tools discussed in the episode at [www.thepodclass.co.uk](http://www.thepodclass.co.uk).
- Good Dating Pledge: An initiative encouraging positive dating practices and clear communication.
Closing Remarks The episode wraps up the *How To Date* series while emphasizing the ongoing journey of self-discovery and the importance of maintaining a relationship with oneself as the cornerstone of any successful partnership.
Contact Information Listeners are encouraged to share their failures, thoughts, and questions with Elizabeth for future discussions, as they continue to foster a community of shared experiences.
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These notes encapsulate the core discussions and themes from the podcast episode, providing insights into personal growth and healthy relationship dynamics.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Checking off the boxes on your to do list is a great feeling. And when it comes to checking off coverage, a State Farm agent can help you choose an option that's right for you. Whether you prefer talking in person, on the phone, or using the award-winning app, it's nice knowing you have help finding coverage that best fits your needs. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. At Sierra, discover top workout gear at incredible prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices.
0:39Sierra, let's get moving. How to Date is proudly sponsored by Morrisons. Welcome back to How to Date, the podcast that teaches you what you need to know about navigating modern romance. I'm podcaster and author Elizabeth Day. And I'm Mel Schilling, relationship coach. and every week we aim to give you the skills you need to show up as yourself on the apps and in real life. And I just wanted to let you know that if you don't want to wait each week for new episodes, please join our wonderful community of subscribers where you can binge all episodes now, ad free, all at once. Just follow the link in the show notes.
1:21Mel, I cannot believe it, But this is our last episode. We have arrived. This has been the most incredible journey. It really has. I have loved spending time with you, number one. I've loved dating you. Well, it doesn't finish here, my friend. I tell you, that's for sure. That's so true. And actually, that segues perfectly into today's topic because although we are leaving you, and we hope, dear listener, that we are leaving you equipped with the skills that you need to navigate dating, we're also always going to be here we're always going to be here in your back catalogue and we want to leave you with the idea of constant evolution and part of that evolution is our relationship with ourselves isn't it Mel?
2:06Absolutely you know in thinking about this final episode I did put quite a lot of thought into what what could be one really clear message that we could leave our listeners with. And what I arrived at was this. There is one thing you can control in a relationship, and that's yourself. Let's focus there. And we started this podcast asking the question, are you ready to date? Yes. And part of that is obviously unwrapping your own sense of self and where you're at with your self-esteem. Last episode we heard from Michelle Elman about the knocks that your self-esteem can take through heartbreak and rejection.
2:46And so this episode, that's what we're going to discuss. We're going to discuss how to accept yourself and how to love yourself. Now, you and I were giggling before we started recording because I hate that phrase. Why do you hate it? This is the thing. I'm like, why am I so triggered by the idea of falling in love with yourself? I suppose I'm of a generation and one might say a nationality, which might believe that falling in love with ourself is just self-indulgent and spoiled. You're so British. I'm so British and completely messed up. No, I get it. In Australia, we'd say you're up yourself.
3:28Yes. Yeah, we have that here too. Yeah, okay. Yeah, let's not be up ourselves. I think we can borrow a leaf from the American book here. I think the Americans are very good when it comes to being open and proud about self-love. I think we can really take some of that on. It's also that it reminds me of masturbation, which is, again, it's a different podcast. I mean, I'm totally here for it, but that's maybe a different subject. But tell me what that phrase falling in love with yourself means to you, Mel, from a therapeutic perspective. I love the idea of this concept, falling in love with yourself, particularly after a breakup.
4:04You know, and this flows very nicely after our chat with Michelle. I think there's something here about putting the pieces back together and starting to love the bits that, you know, the wobbly bits, as we like to say, loving the wobbly bits in yourself. The bits that maybe previous partners have criticised or that you haven't enjoyed in the past. Coming back to that place of, I guess, equilibrium. and a big part of that is self-love. And if we break that down, what is self-love? You could look at it from a number of perspectives. But from a psychological perspective, I really look at it in terms of, firstly, self-worth.
4:47So what is the worth that you place on yourself? And for those of us who have been knocked around in relationships a little bit, that can take a bit of a tumble. You can sort of see yourself as not deserving of love or of happiness or of success. So getting back to that ground zero point again, resetting and going, I actually am worthy of great love and great happiness. And you might not believe it at first, but this is where things like affirmations can come in and can be really, really powerful. You know, put it on your wallpaper on your phone or write it on your mirror with lipstick. I am worthy.
5:26That's step one. And once you start to believe in that worth and really believe it, not just have the words there, but actually take it on and have a belief that you do deserve a great relationship. You can then move into acceptance. So accepting your oblivious. There are parts of yourself that may not be perfect, that may make mistakes when it comes to relationships, who may even repeat those mistakes. We all do it at times. But just accepting that that's okay and that you don't actually have to be perfect to go into your next relationship? It's so interesting, that notion of self-acceptance, because I think you're completely right and so wise.
6:06And I think for many years, what I struggled with was the fact that there are parts of me that I think are really unlovable and unlikable. And I think the penny dropped for me when I had a session with a therapist who said, yeah, that's fine. There are these shadow sides to everyone. And actually, one of the least healthy things you can do is live in a state of denial because you're so ashamed of them. That actually, what makes you you and what makes you unique is an acceptance and acknowledgement of these sides. And by accepting and acknowledging, you can then choose whether to react to them, whether to respond to them or not.
6:49But what are some practical tools for, other than the affirmations, for those things that feel so grubby and that maybe you have been conditioned to believe are grubby by a parental figure in your life? How can we start unpacking that? I think exactly what you and I are doing right here, sitting with a friend and talking about them and even laughing at them. You know, I think humor can be such a great tool here, you know, particularly if it's something that you're feeling a little bit of shame about, bringing it out into the light with a trusted friend and just chatting about it, laughing about it.
7:26You know, maybe talking about where this particular issue or character flaw has brought you undone in the past. I mean, the value here is in learning the lesson, you know, so that you don't fall into that trap again. You know, that aspect of yourself, let's say you have a selfish streak, you know, who doesn't? But maybe that did rear its ugly head in your last relationship. Maybe chat to your friends about, okay, when does my selfishness come out? Is there something that my partner did that really triggered that side? Was it coming out, for example, when I was feeling a bit threatened or maybe a bit fearful?
8:04Was it coming out when I was feeling insecure? So what we often find is if you dig a little bit deeper beneath one of those ugly, wobbly bits, there's often some real vulnerability there. And that's where the good stuff is. So if you can actually get to that point of, okay, when I was behaving like the proverbial bitch in that relationship, what was actually going on was I was feeling a little bit scared that my partner was going to leave me. That's where the value is. because very often I can think I'm feeling one thing, but when I sit with it, when I think I'm feeling sad and then I sit with it and I take myself off and I have 10 minutes just closing my eyes in silence thinking, why am I feeling sad?
8:49Very often it's actually masking another feeling that I'm responding to from decades ago. Very often it can be anger that has this acceptable, socially acceptable face of sadness. And that is something that you can only get to know once you spend time with yourself. And you're right. As our Queen Brene Brown says, shame thrives in silence. And it's a quote that I come back to again and again. Therefore, the antidote to that is to bring it out, as you were saying, Mel, into the light and to find someone trusted that you can speak to about that. And sometimes that trusted person will end up being yourself.
9:25And that's really where we want to get to, isn't it? Yes. And this is why I love journaling so much as a tool. You know, I think, and that doesn't have to be sitting with a book and writing it. You know, I know a lot of people who use voice notes in their phone and just have a little chat to yourself in a way of opening up, exploring things that are coming up, looking at it from different perspectives and trying to understand it. You know, you might write or, you know, you might just go for a long walk and be with nature and meditate. Or maybe you sit on a yoga mat and do that. You know, we all have our own way of going internal.
10:00But I think not doing that comes at a great risk. I've never thought about voice note journaling, which is ironic given I'm a podcaster. Yes. That really appeals to me. Yes, it would suit your style. It would, wouldn't it? What if someone has in the past lost themselves in a relationship or a series of romantic relationships? How do they ensure that that doesn't happen again? I would suggest that this is probably one of the most common things I hear from people. I lost myself in that last relationship. And whilst it means something slightly different for everyone, it can be quite a subjective experience.
10:45Overall, I find it tends to mean, when I sort of unpack it with people, I forgot to be me. Yes. I was so focused on pleasing the other person or holding onto them so that they wouldn't leave or, you know, whatever they were doing that was focusing on the relationship and the other person that they forgot to focus on themselves. So again, as women, we are trained from the time we're little girls to serve everyone else's needs before our own. And when people become parents, that becomes magnified because the child must come first. And so when you talk to women, for example, who are single mums and are dating, this becomes such a big issue.
11:34They put all of their energy into maintaining that family unit, that their own needs come last. And if they do go out dating, they're not putting the time to think about it and to really nurture themselves through that process. I think we need to do a lot to support our sisters who are single parents and dating. Can you talk a little bit about with or without you? I love this and I learnt it very, very recently. Imagine coming to a relationship and saying, probably not out loud because that would be weird, but in your mind saying to this person, I'm going to have a great life with or without you.
12:16It is so empowering. It is so calming. And it's very much saying I'm stable. I'm standing firm here in this or rather on this path to a positive life. It would be really great if you join me, but if you don't, I'm going to do it anyway. It blew my mind when I heard you say that and also that you can apply it in business settings as well. Absolutely. Imagine coming to the negotiating table with that energy in hand. There's something really, really beautiful and empowering about that because it gives you agency and it's so respectful. Yes. That's the key, isn't it? It comes down to self-respect.
13:04Absolutely. And it takes the desperation feeling out of the equation. Because if you're saying that this is something I'm doing anyway, if the person comes along and joins you, that's a bonus. Yeah. As opposed to desperately grabbing onto them and holding on in order to have a positive life. You're going to have a positive life anyway. way. So what does it look like when someone is dating with this kind of self-love? She said, cringing as she used the phrase. You can do it. I can do it. I can do it as part of my self-acceptance. What might someone like that look like? Well, in previous episodes, we've talked about the whole idea of attachment theory and attachment styles.
13:48And I guess someone who has developed and preserves a good level of self-love is going to be securely attached. So you're not going to see that clinginess, that desperation to hold on to the person. Also, you're not going to see that putting up all the walls and pushing someone away to keep that distance and preferring not to be vulnerable. You're going to see someone who is quite grounded. I kind of, when I think of someone who has self-love and who is also securely attached, I think of them with bare feet and getting grounded into the earth. You know, it's that kind of sense of I have my own roots here.
14:29These roots are supporting me to live the life that I want to live. And if you want to come along and be a beautiful branch to add to this tree, then that's an absolute bonus. Another great metaphor there. I think a really crucial part of this is that when you truly know and respect yourself, it gives you the courage to make difficult but necessary decisions. Can you talk a bit about decision making, Mel, and how it plays into this? Yeah, I think having that self-knowledge, for starters, but also a real trust, a deep trust in yourself, enables you to listen to your intuition when it comes up. You know, I speak to people all the time who have been in relationships that have messed them around and really pushed and pulled and had them feeling like they don't know whether they're up or down.
15:23You know, that confusion that comes from perhaps a person who's giving mixed messages or who's maybe being manipulative. And it's very easy to come out of that kind of relationship not trusting yourself. What's key here is to be able to look at a new situation and have a real belief that you're going to step into that situation and make the right decision. And that really just comes from experience, so from doing it. So if you come out of a relationship and you are at that point where you're doubting your decision-making ability, what would be really good is to do some little social experiments and to put yourself in situations where you need to make decisions about things that are reasonably low stakes.
16:05So where, you know, no one's going to be upset or hurt. You know, maybe it's about, you know, you might start with the type of coffee you're going to have. But essentially, getting some practice at listening to what that little voice inside you is telling you to do. But then also coming back to what Emma was talking about in a previous pod class about the wise mind. So balancing the rational, so the really practical side of things with the emotional, because both are really, really important here. Yes, that idea of starting small can be incredibly potent, actually. And you can start small in terms of acts of self-love too.
16:44You can start small by saying something, just one tiny thing that you like about yourself. I'm punctual. You can start there and build from that. And as you're talking, I was reminded of a past relationship of mine, which in many ways was a really nice relationship. It wasn't toxic by any measure, but I did not know myself. And I really remember him asking me, where do you want to go for lunch? And I had no answer. My response would be, I don't know, where do you want to go for lunch? I want to go where you want to go for lunch. That would make me happy. and genuinely after years of doing that you then I lost touch with my own desires one loses touch with what one actually actually wants and it took me a really long time to build up from that again and in the interim I did get into a toxic relationship which did exploit that part of me and when I eventually left that relationship I did it because my instinct kicked in and it was as though I had hit a wall, an emotional wall, where I didn't know why, but I knew I had to leave.
17:55And that's why I always say to people who are struggling in a relationship, I don't know whether to leave or not. I'm just not sure. I think that at some point, your clever psyche will take over if you let it. Your instinct, as you say, will just kick into gear if you let it And that goes to the heart of what you were saying about having then the resilience and the self-knowledge to understand that you can do that. And there's something to be said for responsible quitting there, where having made the decision to leave that toxic relationship, and I probably left it too long, but I did leave. It's made me feel more empowered to leave or quit other things.
18:44Brilliant. I mean, what you're describing there is a very definition of confidence. You know, you've had the runs on the board in the past, so you've actually had those small wins and some bigger wins. So you can go and draw on that internal data of, I've done this before, so I know I can do it again. And so this is where I think if you are coming out of a relationship and you're feeling depleted in this way, absolutely put yourself in those situations where you can start making decisions again and building them up to bigger and bigger decisions so that you're not vulnerable in that way. Because you're allowed to do that.
19:22You're allowed to work out what it is that you think will make you happy, fulfilled, safe, and then act accordingly. And you're also not only allowed, but we are encouraging you to communicate that to your significant other. Oh, consider this your permission slip, our gorgeous listeners. Ask for what you want. Yes. That's your job. Yes. To ask for your needs to be met. Yes. And it's so often said in sort of old sitcoms, I'm not my dream, do you know, love? But it's sort of true. Your mind cannot be read. That's right. And in fact, it shouldn't be able to be because it's your mind and you get to live there.
20:01Can we talk a little bit about celibacy? That's something that's come up on Married at First Sight a bit. In the most recent UK series, we had Sasha who had opted not to sleep with anyone until she found her next serious relationship. Do you think that that can be a powerful tool? I mean, it's not for everyone, right? It's not for everyone. And I guess there is a bit of confusion around the terminology here too. And we found that, you know, as we were talking to Sasha about it. I guess celibacy is really a decision for life, whereas abstinence is more of a, this is where I'm at right now for a season, if you like.
20:39And I think really what she was talking about was abstinence. So this is where perhaps someone comes out of a relationship and feels that, you know, they've been giving, giving, giving so much to the other person that they feel a bit drained and just want to put the energy back into themselves. And that includes their sexuality. So this can be a really strong, empowered choice. This can be about, I'm not giving of myself to anyone at the moment. I'm just investing back in me. And that might be whilst you're dating. You can absolutely go on a dating journey and choose to abstain from sex, as long as you're open and upfront about it.
21:19You don't want any surprises. You don't want to find yourself in a situation where someone's going to be pressuring you to do something you don't want. you don't need to check into a nonnery just yet and actually by the same token you could be going through a process of loving yourself and being in a really important relationship with yourself and also be having sex with people oh of course yeah absolutely i think i've done that in the past i think i've actually found that helpful in terms of that thing that we keep going back to that idea of data acquisition the things that don't work actually end up being learnings in a really powerful way.
21:57And maybe that is about exploring that side of yourself that is sexual and that is romantic. And that will give you a closer sense of who you are and a more validating sense of self-worth too. Yeah. I think if you are in a position where you do have your feet on the ground, you are having that sense of groundedness and feeling centered, then going out and exploring your sexuality is a fabulous thing to do, particularly if you're confident enough to communicate exactly where you're at with all of your partners. I think as long as you're not putting yourself in a situation that's going to lead to confusion, you know, if you can be upfront about this stuff, go for it.
22:38That's fab. And it's important, most of all, to remain upfront and open and aware of yourself and accepting of yourself within a relationship too, isn't it, Mel? I mean, that's really what we're coming to with this pod class. It's this moment where we are happy with ourselves and we are able to continue that relationship with ourselves within a romantic relationship with someone else. It's the ultimate goal, really, isn't it? You know, we can talk as much as we like about self-actualization and all the work that we can do on being the best individual that we want to be. But you and I, we're here to talk about relationships, aren't we?
23:22We are. So imagine if you could take that self-love, self-acceptance, self-respect into a great relationship. Well, although I do feel that I'm in a really lovely relationship with you now, Mel. It's great. It is. It's so great and it's so emotionally fulfilling. And I feel that I'm showing up as myself. But we want to talk about this idea of being ourselves in relationships. And so we can't do that alone, can we, Mel? Sadly, no. But we do have some very special guests for you today, dear listener. Very special and very secret guests.
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25:03so we are very excited to announce the most special of gifts the husband the husband nice to be here absolutely we have justin who is my husband hello and gareth who is mine what about you this is the first time i've met gareth i'm thrilled by that and the first time you two are sitting on a sofa together. We've already discovered that you've plenty to bond over. You're not only married to us, two fabulous women, but you both had a protein shake for breakfast, we discovered on the sand check. We did. Not the same one, no. It wasn't she? That's later. Absolutely. Well, you're looking very cosy, never say never.
25:44Anyway, Mel and I have been talking throughout this podcast, really, but specifically on this episode, about the most important relationship you can have, which is firstly with yourself, because you can only show up as yourself within a romantic relationship if you've taken the time to work on your self-worth and self-acceptance. And we would love to hear from you, Justin and Gareth, how you worked on your relationships with yourself before you met us. So Gareth, could I start with you? Absolutely. What age were you when you met the wonderful Mel. 38. So what kind of work had you done on yourself?
26:23Well just a small bit of background so I went to Australia with my now ex-wife. I was sponsored to go out there, did the whole thing. Went to work one Wednesday morning and there was a note in the kitchen table, an old Dear John letter. She'd gone home, couldn't settle in Australia, expected me to go back. I wasn't for going back. I had settled there and was enjoying my life and you know in hindsight The relationship had gone stale and whatever else now, you know. So you kind of expect then it would damage your confidence and whatever else. But it was kind of the contrary, you know. It was kind of, okay, after a couple of days, this is probably the right thing to happen, you know.
27:00So interestingly, I stopped worrying about what other people thought, stopped worrying about, you know, I had no fear of rejection anymore. Because, you know, what's the worst that can happen kind of scenario, you know. So really, after a year of kind of regressing back into my 20s. Don't worry, Justin did the same thing. Yeah, just making him a mad shagger, basically, you know. But the interesting thing is when you're in your 30s, you don't have those kind of hang-ups that you had before. You know, you're more comfortable in your own skin. But really, it was a case of I wasn't really looking for a long-term relationship.
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27:35I was looking to establish myself in a new country, in a totally new environment. And it really kind of developed from there. now you know I didn't feed the impending mid-life crisis so it wasn't a good place to start really. So would you say you were more intentional when it came to dating Mel or when it came to the point where you met her that you had been more deliberate with your choices than you might have been when you were 29? Not really to be honest it was exactly I was never really looking for a long-term relationship but there was no real substance to what I was doing you know so a friend of mine who was recently divorced, recommended online dating, which I thought was for losers, I'm going to be totally honest, like at the time.
28:16Mel approached me, which, you know, she doesn't like to talk about, but anyway. So he sees. It's perfectly incorrect. I should have screenshotted it. But anyway, the mad thing was that it was like six weeks of chatting, which I'd never done before. Because it was long distance, wasn't it? Yeah. You know, the weirdest thing was, you know, it definitely wasn't something I was looking for. I was looking for a woman with a bit more substance, if I'm totally honest. But... No, he doesn't mean then me. No, no, no. Oh, my God. No, no, no. He means then the women who were seen. That's direct. But you couldn't find one of them.
28:53So I had the book for a while. Yeah, that's exactly it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly right. But yeah, it's just not something I'd ever experienced before now. You know, you kind of get really into the nitty gritty of things now, you know, the real depth of it. so we almost established a relationship before we met which was the weirdest thing that's so interesting and justin coming i feel like i should hand the questioning over to mel here but how much work had you done on yourself before meeting me because you like gareth like me had gone through a divorce and you found yourself single in your early 40s yeah that's right yes So, yeah, I had been in a relationship for 17 years, a long time.
29:37You know, I hadn't really dated since sort of my early 20s, right? When, you know, internet dating didn't exist. There were no apps and you met people. So when I got divorced, it was a sort of confluence of several things. You know, my father died at the same time or a similar time. You know, my business was really starting to scale. and actually you know I went back into therapy to deal with a lot of that and that gave me an opportunity to sort of reflect and think about you know who I was and the way that I was wired and what I thought you know would make me happy going forward and so I did quite a lot of work whilst also dating so you know I would I mean it was just a mental time but I would I would do like therapy from seven till eight leave the therapy and then go on a date oh it's just like post therapy dating yeah it was just mad anyway like I wasn't in a particularly stable mindset given everything that was going on and I was dating a lot and and I felt that that was an important thing you know having not really dated for ever really I wanted to take that opportunity to basically acquire data acquire data will you tell us quickly about the funnel theory of dating the justin bussini funnel theory trademarked well not yet well i i think it's just generally and you talk about it a lot around failing is about data acquisition and i think you know my advice to anybody and my advice to my kids is is you know go and have lots of relationships go meet a lot of people, right?
31:15You have to, I think, give yourself the opportunity to work out what you really like and what is good for you and to get the information that you need to make a smart decision, especially about probably the most important decision of your life, which is who you're going to be with for the rest of your life. And I think certainly if you don't give yourself that opportunity, you end up sort of potentially defaulting into something which actually over time maybe doesn't meet what you need and had you given yourself a little bit more time to collect more information and so that's the funnel so lots of people in the top and then you sort of you know use all that data to find the diamond find the person like you or mel that you know is going to really work for you and that sets you up i think for the best opportunity to have a relationship that's going to be really meaningful that's what we were talking about before weren't we mel where As long as you are clear about that with yourself and with whoever you're having these experiences with, then that can be a really good way of understanding who you are and what you want and need.
32:23Absolutely. And the idea of going out there and having some lighthearted, casual encounters is such a great way of acquiring some of that data as well. You know, as long as you're in a good place yourself and you're able to do that in a way that, you know, protects your own self-esteem and, you know, you're communicating really clearly with the other person, this is what I want from this experience. And that all culminates in this picture of what I want, what my ideal partner is going to be, a la this guy. We have touched on the nature of our communication. how important and it's a question for both of you is it to you that our relationships are interdependent rather than codependent by which i mean that mel and i can show up as ourselves gaz and justin can show up as their selves and we choose to be together but we can also function incredibly well on parallel lines gaz can i start with you yeah absolutely um like i think my sort the whole dating experience, like 95 % of it was casual really now, you know, it was never, never really sought out a long-term relationship and two or three casual relationships and whatever else now, you know.
33:34So I never really had that dependency on anybody now, you know, I never really looked for that, but like both of my wives, you know, I don't want to sort of dwell on the past, had that same sort of straightforwardness, that same courage, that same, they were both alpha females really now, you know, that they were completely independent in totally different ways. You know, Mel had her own business, you know, which had gone out there on her own. She was utterly fearless as far as I could see now, you know, so that was the, that was the building block really of the whole relationship. And, you know, I always saw myself as a man's man and go out and be the breadwinner and whatever else, but that isn't the case at the minute at all, you know, and that's like our relationship is based on, you know, we've had to really duck and dive and change and, you know, we've been through so many sort of experiences in terms of Mel's career.
34:25And, you know, I've gradually taken a step further and further back and become the main parent in terms of Maddy and so on now, you know. I shouldn't say main parent, but you know what I'm trying to say. So our whole relationship has really been based on that kind of equality and, you know, the fact that we can take a step back and be ourselves at all times. We don't need to be in each other's face all the time now, you know. That fluidity sounds so enlightened. And I was reflecting on it the other day, and essentially for our whole relationship, we've been apart for a quarter of that time. Because three months of every year, I'm away filming.
35:05And so that's a quarter of our relationship. Certainly since Maddie was born. Since Maddie was born. So the last 10 years, yeah. And so I think that's really helped in many ways. It's tough. Don't get me wrong. It's really tough, particularly now that Maddie's getting older. It's tough being away. But it does ensure that we do have our independence as well as the interdependence when we come back together. Yeah. You know, to have that time, you know, like the 95 % of men wouldn't have, fathers wouldn't have. You know, it's just incredible. And just molding this little person, you know, who's just, you know, it's probably my proudest achievement.
35:39I've got to be totally honest, you know. God. Justin, what are your reflections on that? Interdependency versus codependency? Because codependency was definitely something that I struggled with in my past experiences. And one of the things that you were so good at. I think the key thing for me is that I think it is not good for a relationship when you just assume that it is going to continue. you and so every day i think to myself you know that thing that we've talked about elizabeth which is you know we're walking together and you know that is a a decision that we make every day and i see it in in our relationship you know when we haven't been together for example we are slightly misattuned with each other and we need to work to bring that back together you know i'm sure when you're away a lot but you know you then need to work to like bring bring yourselves back on that path together.
36:34And I think that is actually quite a healthy thing to just remember that you've got to work at it every day, walking your own path, but holding hands. Oh, so good. I love that. So good. And actually, you're so right. The daily work, the daily recommitment is the romance. And you were also incredibly helpful from a very early stage with me just in saying things like I'm really good at accepting feedback which might sound like I'm in a business meeting but actually for someone who was so worried about saying what she felt or what she wanted and that that would drive someone away or trigger someone's anger it was such a relief to hear that and actually when we do have those moments of feeling slightly distant, I will often say I'm feeling a little disconnected from you.
37:27And you accept that. And we understand, I think, that when one of us says something like that, it's because we have our love and the relationship at the center of our minds. So tell me about you two, Mel. How do you cope with those moments of disconnection? Well, there's always a transition period, isn't there, when I come back from being away? We're in it at the moment. We're in it right now. And we think we're doing well this time, don't we? Yeah, I think so. Look, obviously what's happened in the past year has really sort of informed that. It's just been the whole dynamic has changed in that respect, I think for you as well.
38:03Are you talking about Mel's health issues? Talking about the cancer and the chemotherapy and all that kind of thing. It's just, it really puts things into a massive perspective. And just even if I didn't hear from her on a particular day, I was thinking we should get sick again. just really just odd things now you know like you know i think we'll probably come on to it but you know the whole nature of love changes so radically you know when something like that happens now you know like love for me has been going into a quiet room and crying you know because i'm just so worried about her health all the time and then having to be happy with with my daughter all the time now you know just having that kind of dichotomy in your life and it's just you know feeling almost like this is too much for you now you know just having that constantly sort of wearing away at you, you know.
38:48But yeah, so it's made it, I think we've made much more of an effort this time, you know, because, you know, it's the whole, you're talking about the kind of interdependency and whatever else. You know, when Mel came back, things were going in a certain way in the past now, you know, and then it's like, there's a bit of a clash because we're independent people. And I'd come in and try and take over. Well, absolutely, you know. And then there would be, you know, with Maddie then, you know, Mel obviously has the mama guilt and then I don't want to let go of that and whatever. Whereas this time, I think we've all been more mindful of it.
39:19And because my daughter's now 10 and she's an incredibly perceptive little person now. It's okay to call her our daughter. What? She's not just yours. I wasn't deliberate at all. I just get into your language kind of set. But yeah, she's been mindful of it. Even the dog has been much better with you this time. He has been. He's still making eye contact with me. Yeah, well, he now gets involved in the family cuddles every weekend. We'll call the family cuddle no matter where we are in the house. and then everybody comes around, the dog jumps up and we all have a big cuddle. We're quite a tactile family.
39:51Yes. We're huggers. Yeah. I found that so moving when Gaz just said, love for me has been sitting in a room crying and then being happy for our daughter. I can't even imagine what that's like for you to hear as well. That's just so beautiful. No question. Just wanted to say that.
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41:22So we've got some more fun. More quick fire questions. Seamless link. What was the thing that you think most scared you when we started getting serious? Was there anything that scared you, Justin? um well the thing that was and has been the most challenging in our relationship is you know our fertility journey yeah you know that has been frightening at times for i mean mostly for you but you know as a sort of part of that it's been i you know we've been i've been through experiences with you that I have never been through with anybody else. And going through that has, it's very, very challenging and emotional and difficult to go through.
42:15I think one of the things that might have been most frightening was the idea that I would perpetually be unhappy because I was engaged, we were engaged in this sort of fertility struggle. and I imagine that at points it felt like there was no end in sight and that this could either way make me somehow unbalanced or feel like our relationship wasn't enough or does that yeah I think so but it's more the fact you don't I you know I don't want to watch somebody who I love in pain all the time and that process was incredibly painful emotionally physically requiring huge resilience and so there's a certain amount of trepidation that that is going to be a permanent sort of situation rather than something that will resolve one way or the other and how do you feel about it now just for anyone who's listening who's going through that and has the same fear well i think if for somebody going through it i mean it is you know the way i think about it is is it it was an honor and a privilege to go through that with you you know i definitely see it as like i'm glad that i went through that with you in in you know in a way even though it was incredibly painful um and you know i think you um you making the decisions that you've made you know i deeply respect that because you know you had to lean into some very very very difficult things and you know you've resolved that for the time being and you know these things are never necessarily permanent but for the time being and you you are in a in a much happier place than i've seen then you're just getting better and better and happier and happier i think having gone through that come through the other side done the work and made the decisions that you've made thank you i like to think we've made the decisions yeah we have but yes we have of course we have made the decisions but but it's it's it's fallen on your shoulders to actually have to do the work because it's you i mean it's obviously both of us but it's you having to give up that dream and move on from that and that's been an amazing I mean I deeply respect you for having you know made those decisions and being able to get to the other side of that because it's it's very very hard.
44:52Thank you so much there's no one else I would have wanted to go through that with. I didn't think you were going to say that I thought you were going to say that you were scared about moving in together in case I was angry that you'd leave teaspoons on the counter, which has never actually happened. That was the second thing. That was the second one. Okay. Gaz. Okay, I've got to introduce a little bit of levity because it kind of ties in with what you're talking about. So two months after we'd met and Mel invited me to a corporate day at the races, Commonwealth Bank or something like that. And you know what the races are like.
45:27Particularly in Australia, everybody's leathered. So we're walking out of the races, Mel bursts into tears and says, what if I can't have any children? What if I'm not going to be enough? Would never fucking mention children, by the way. Would never mention moving in. It was like probably her third or fourth date. You know, I'm like, Jesus. She's right here. I love it. This woman's 38, she's never been married. Okay, so she's obviously a complete psychopath. So at that point, I'm like, okay, I need to take a fucking step back. Yeah, swear away. Okay, I need to take a step back here, you know. But look, in terms of the fear, it was really just, I'd established myself in Australia.
46:06I was in Adelaide. I was really loving my life. Then it was just that other disruptor. Now, you know, it was like, I think I'm too old to have any kids. You know, I was 38 at the time now, you know, and you were 42 then when you had Maddie. But at the time I was like, I think I'm okay where I am. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, I've fallen for it by the stage, but I'm like, maybe I'm okay where I am. you know so there's I guess it's probably a natural fear that every bloke like that point when it's going to be your second huge relationship you know it's just diving in there and whether you know everything just seems so perfect here despite the cries at the races you know but there's that there's that kind of overall fear like I'm okay where I am you know I can cook my own I'm an independent man kind of thing you know Yeah why would you introduce something some new substance into your already well balanced protein shake of life quite sure yeah and but what i really enjoy about that anecdote is that mel shilling for so many of us is this extraordinary powerful woman a relationship guru the likes of which we've never known she's a clinically qualified completely brilliant on married at first sight just wonderful even more wonderful when you meet her and so enlightened and yet even she at some point even though she can teach us how to date that at some points you just have to let yourself be yourself absolutely and and fall into a puddle of tears in a pub absolutely yeah she's a lightweight though like two or three directions away i can't wait for us to go out and celebrate yeah okay i could talk to both of you i actually would like to this is so therapeutic for several more hours.
47:49I wonder if we could start drawing this to a reluctant close by asking about happiness. Because I think for many years, I was under the mistaken delusion that it was my job to make my romantic partner happy. And I now realise that it isn't. What do you two think about that is it your job justin to make me happy no why not you have it's your own job it's everybody's job to make themselves happy comfortable confident self-esteem all of that and for a lot of people including myself you know that i mean think for everybody that is a journey but that that you know i think it's it's it's your own responsibility as an individual to do that and to get yourself into the right situation.
48:38And if you do have that right mindset, you will, I think, be much more effective in a relationship. Now, that's not to say that I also don't think that there's a responsibility to bring happy moments and lightness and fun and things that we enjoy together into the relationship. And I think we both do that. But fundamentally, it's your responsibility for yourself to be happy and it's my responsibility and if we do that we walk together such a good way of putting it because the distinction between making someone happy and introducing happy things into our joint life i remember there was one specific weekend a couple of years ago when justin was super stressed at work had lots going on and i said what is sparking joy in your life right now and he said i can't think of anything i was like right i need to take action and i booked a karaoke booth just for the two of us on a Saturday afternoon.
49:34Oh, yeah. Oh, do we? Oh, my gosh. Double day. Double day. It's happening. And now we do that when we need to introduce that levity. We absolutely loved it. And it was like it was completely transformative. And I think that's such a good distinction. I'm going to come to you next, Mel, and then I'll come to Gaz, about this idea of happiness in a relationship. Whose responsibility? Firstly, I just want to say you should see us doing a rendition of Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf. Oh, that's great. Niche. That is so niche. Very niche. Yeah. And we are pretty amazing as a duo. Oh, my God.
50:06I just spelled it up. Back to happiness. I love the way you've described it, Justin. I think that's really cool. And I noticed that you were making the hand gestures of your parallel lines again. I love that. Because that's what it needs to be. That's what interdependence is. Yeah. You know, and we see relationships all the time where it is one person desperately requiring the other person to make them happy, outsourcing their happiness really to the other partner. And it's just a recipe for disaster. I think something we've grown into is getting happiness from each other's good moments or successes, don't we?
50:45I can see that that's gradually developed over time. And I can see, for example, if I have an achievement, I can look to you and I can see absolute deep happiness in your eyes because you're living it with me. And similarly, when either of us has had difficulty or grief, we definitely know that the other person is experiencing it right there alongside each other. Yeah. I think people just think about television, you're on television, you've made it and whatever else. Now, Mel gave up a really successful career. She'd spent years and years building this career up. And it went against every instinct of mine to back her in on this.
51:25But it did because I could see who she was as a person, who she could potentially be. But most of all, I could see that this was her vocation in life. This is where she needed to be. That's not really so much saying, okay, it's my job to make her happy, but it's more I could see what made her happy. I could see what ultimately was going to make her happy and it backed her in in that respect now. You know, I think a lot of the time in a relationship, particularly, you know, 13 years we've been together, you've got to get back to why you fell in love in the first instance now, you know, you know what it was about that person, you know, because you get bogged down in the day to day life now, you know, like one thing we haven't been so good at recently is having a date night, you know, just getting a babysitter, going out on a Wednesday night, going to a show, just chatting, you know, as a result, then it makes the other person happy, you know, because it's then you're connected again.
52:14you're remembering who you were, you know, rather than who you were coming. I think that's such a good point to end on because we've come back to the idea of dating, but dating within a long-term relationship in order that we can continue showing up for each other and showing up as ourselves and reconnecting as ourselves with each other on those parallel lines, but hand in hand. I have absolutely loved this chat. Thank you so much to both Both of you. Yeah, how's it been with both of you? Have you enjoyed it? Loved it. I'm now comfortable in the tiny sofa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just dying for a protein shake now.
52:54That's hilarious. Yes, you're low on the protein. Okay, one final, very brief thought from each of you. For anyone listening to How to Date who is stuck in the wilds of dating and they feel dispirited and drained and like it's not worth it and it's not going their way, what one piece of advice would each of you give to that listener? uh it's a journey and you don't have to be on that journey all the time it is it is tiring there's no doubt about it you're putting yourself out there you're having to put your best clothes on and be entertaining and all of that sort of stuff and that does take it out of you and so it i think you need to when you're tired or in a difficult you know you've run out of steam take some time away take some time for yourself you retool take six months off dates will still be there tinder's going to still be there they're all going to be there right you get yourself into the right mindset then then go again great advice yeah look i can only echo that i think um the only other thing i would say is don't try and be who you think people want you to be and a date because it's completely inauthentic and it's never going to lead to a long-term relationship you know you've got to be yourself not completely warts and all because you know there are certain aspects of your personality that are going to irritate your future partner sort the genital warts out first part of self-love promise not the mention but yeah be honestly you just got to be yourself i think like take your time have one day at a week have one day every couple of weeks you know but be yourself at the at the core you really mel i just want to say from a personal perspective what a joy it's been working with you and getting to know you and learning so much from you.
54:39Thank you so, so much for making How to Date your first ever podcast. I'm so privileged and thrilled. What are your reflections on the series? Well, firstly, thank you so much for having me and allowing me to be your partner in this because, wow, talk about a privilege. You're someone I've admired for so long. So thank you so much. Oh my god, I feel the same. Sorry, Gaz, do you mind giving us a moment? 100%. Thank you, finally, to our wonderful community of listeners. We have loved being in your company. Thank you for all of your comments, all of your messages. It is the last episode of our eight-week podcast, but we are going to come back with a very special bonus where we answer some of your questions.
55:28So we're not going just yet, but we hope that you have found enough to be encouraged by, enough to be educated by, and we hope that you enjoy falling in love with yourself first, and then hopefully the rest will follow. Thank you so, so much for listening to How to Date, and it's a goodbye from me, Elizabeth Day. And from me, Mel Schilling.
55:56how to date is proudly sponsored by morrisons mel and i are on a mission to revolutionize dating we want to make it better for everyone and what better way to do that than to get you lovely listeners to sign up to a good dating pledge mel and i have designed 10 dating commandments things like i will communicate clearly and with kindness i will not ghost or breadcrumb. I will always ask consent. And you can go and sign up just by putting your email in. That's all we ask. You can go and sign up at thepodclass.co.uk. That's thepodclass, P-O-D-C-L-A-S-S dot co.uk. Let's make dating better for everyone.
56:38Thank you so much for listening. Please do like, follow and share with everyone you know who might want to listen to. And who knows, one of them might even turn out to be your future romantic partner. This is a Daylight Productions and Sony Music Entertainment original podcast. That was good. Nice one, man. That was really good. That was absolutely incredible. I love us too. I love you too. Thank you. I know.
57:15Yo, this is important, man. uh my favorite lululemon shorts the ones you got me back in the day i think they're pace breakers the ones with all the pockets well i just got back from vacation and i think i left them in my hotel room and dude i need to replace these shorts i wear them like every day with that lululemon hoodie you got me could you send me the link to where you got them thanks bro talk soon looking for your newest go-to's shop lululemon's best sellers now at lululemon.com
From the publisher
For the final episode of How To Date (sob!) Mel and Elizabeth look at the most important relationships any of us can have in our lives: the one with ourselves.
We unpack what this means in practical terms. How do we nurture a healthy sense of self-respect - and why can this sometimes feel so challenging? How can we ensure interdependence rather than co-dependence? We explore why being clear about your own worth is a fundamental building block in any sustainable relationship with another person. And we are joined by two VERY special guests who offer unique insights into what Mel and Elizabeth are actually like in a relationship…
After you’ve listened, you can get all the resources and worksheets discussed at www.thepodclass.co.uk
Mel and Elizabeth are on a mission to revolutionise the world of dating! We want to make it a safe, fun and rewarding experience for everyone. If you’d like to join us, we’ve put together our very own How To Date Good Dating Pledge, consisting of 10 simple ‘Dating Commandments’. Have a look and sign up for free now at www.thepodclass.co.uk
If you don’t want to wait each week for new episodes join our wonderful community of subscribers where you can binge all episodes now, ad free, all at once. Follow the link to sign up:
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A Daylight and Sony Music Entertainment Production.
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