Introducing How To Date: Am I ready to date?

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0:39Sierra, let's get moving. How to Date is proudly sponsored by Morrisons. Welcome to How to Date, the podcast that teaches you what you need to know about navigating modern romance. I'm podcaster and author Elizabeth Day. And I'm Mel Schilling, Relationship Coach. And every week we aim to give you the skills you need to show up as yourself on the apps and in real life. From how to survive heartbreak to building confidence and loving yourself first. From managing clear communication to how to handle rejection. From ghosting to breadcrumbing, micro-cheating to love bombing. And why sometimes the most important person you can date is yourself.

1:23Love that. Join us for frank, expert advice, hilarious anecdotes, brilliant guests and fail-safe practical exercises that will leave you feeling empowered to make the changes you need to meet the person that is worthy of you. Because both Mel and I met our husbands online, didn't we? We did. So we do know what we're talking about. At least we hope we do. Right. Shall we get on with it then? Let's explore How to Date.

1:53Mel, I'm so excited. We are here in the How to Date studio. This has been a long time coming, hasn't it? Absolutely. And I think from the moment we realised that we both met our husbands online, that was a moment for us. It was a moment. So many of you listeners will know Mel from Married at First Sight, which is how I first got to know you. I always think that you give the most expert, insightful comments to the contestants on that show. And then I became low-key obsessed with you and got you on my podcast How to Fail. Which I love. And you're right, we bonded over the fact that we did meet our husbands online slightly later in life.

2:34I mean, we're in the prime of life now, don't get me wrong. We're heading toward the prime, perhaps. And I was really passionate about imparting some of what we learned to listeners, who I know so many of you are out there right now navigating the wilderness of dating. And it's a really tough spot to be in. And we both have first-hand experience of that. So how old were you, Mel, when you met your husband? 39. Okay. Almost 40. So I spent my entire 30s single and dating and not very well. Made all the mistakes. So you've not only got the professional expertise, but you also have the lived experience.

3:16I have the scars. And like you, I met my husband when I was 39. Post-divorce, the dating landscape had changed massively in the time that I'd been married. I'd never even been on a real date I don't think let alone been on an app so the whole thing had gone through this transformation and I had to learn really quickly so I suppose we want to start by saying there is hope out there isn't there? Yes at any age you know there seems to be this sense of doom I think that people face when they come out of a long marriage or relationship or they're suddenly widowed this idea of how on earth am I going to get back out there?

3:54It can seem so overwhelming, not just the technology, but all of the new rules and roles that have emerged in the dating space. But we are here to tell you lovely listeners that it doesn't have to be daunting. It can be a lot of fun and you can do it in a really empowered and conscious way. Yes, I love that. New rules, new apps and new vocabulary. Oh, and we're still learning. Bread crumbing? Seriously. Caspering? I know. But today we have a specific focus and it's an important question. And it's a question about how we know we are ready to date. And in order to tackle this question, we are going to divide this episode up into three.

4:36We are going to talk about the when. We're going to talk about the why, necessary questions to ask yourself. And we're going to talk about the what, what to do to ensure that you're ready to date. But let's start with the when, Mel. So you mentioned there coming out of a divorce or a long term relationship. And I think very often there's so much processing that you have to do as an individual on an emotional level before you feel ready to be equipped to do anything, let alone date. What would be some guidance that you would give someone going through that? I do hear this one a lot because quite often well-meaning friends will say things like, get back on the horse, you know, get back out there.

5:22All you need is, you know, a rebound fling and you'll be fine. But that's not always the case. And I think a really sensible thing to do once you find yourself suddenly single is to invest in yourself, to date yourself really is your first step. And part of that, of course, is processing the hurt and the pain and everything that went on in that previous relationship so that nothing's left unexamined. I think that's really important. But then there are some really important questions I think you need to ask yourself about your date readiness, which is a thing. Let's call it what it is. It's date readiness.

5:59That's what we're talking about here. And it happens on a number of levels in terms of the way you're thinking about dating and about yourself and about partners. the way you feel about it, and the things that you're actually doing or feeling ready to do. Now, you mentioned the rebound there. And one of the things I was wondering is whether a rebound, it gets a lot of negative press, but whether sometimes it can be quite a good thing. So is a rebound always a bad idea? Not necessarily. And I think it's really important to have your dating goals clear when you're stepping into new experiences. So for example, if you've come out of that long-term relationship, you might say, okay, for the short term, let's say for the next 12 months, I'm going to date in the most fun and frivolous way.

6:48I am not going to be looking for the one. I'm going to be looking for lots of ones, situationships, you know, lots of different experiences to sort of have a tasting plate of dates so that I can get a little bit of a seat. Date tapas. Yeah, exactly. We're going to do it the Spanish way. We'll have some date tapas and see what we like, what we don't like and try things on for size. I think what's important there is there isn't confusion between what might be a lighthearted encounter, getting it confused with the next big relationship. Because I think some people make the mistake of the first relationship experience having to be the one, having to be the next big thing.

7:30And it really doesn't. You can get so much out of a lighter relationship experience where you can learn so much about yourself. What about though, if you are a woman of a certain age, as we both were, and there's the issue of children and biological clock and all of that stuff. Because I was very aware of that. And I felt, well, I need to be ready to date now because I need to find someone in order to lock them in so that I can then have the family that I always thought I would have because time is running out. The pressure. There was so much pressure. And as regular listeners of How to Fail will know, that story had a different ending for me from the one that I anticipated.

8:10And it's one that I am fully at peace with now and that has so much fulfillment in it. But at the time, I was very aware of that time pressure. So how can we separate those two things? How do we know what is us and what is social conditioning? It's so tricky. isn't it? Because we have this biological imperative and it's not something that we can fight. And when I was starting my dating coaching practice, this is where I specialized, was with women in their late 30s to early 40s who were having this exact experience because I found it so interesting because even though I was 39 when I met my partner, I didn't have the ticking clock.

8:52So I became fascinated by it. And what I started to see in my clients was this incredible desperation, this urgency to basically, as soon as the music stops, grab the first person who's available. And it doesn't obviously always work because it's often very reactive response to someone who happens to show interest in you rather than making that really conscious strategic choice about a partner. Yes. So I think when you are in that position where your biology is telling you one thing and perhaps your brain is telling you something else, you need to be able to separate those out. But at the same time, deal with the reality.

9:33And part of that, I believe, is about being incredibly honest and upfront with potential partners. You know, not necessarily just sexual partners. If you just want to have fun, that's great. You know, they don't need to know your business. But if you are feeling like you're ready to meet your next partner, don't shy away from that conversation because it's your most important values-based decision. I totally agree. And I think that there is a lot of rubbish spoken about when is appropriate to bring certain subjects up. And actually, I felt when I was going through the dating process that that veered perilously close to playing games.

10:11Yes. And actually it meant that I wasn't showing up as my authentic self because this was something that was really important to me. And if someone was going to be scared off by the thing that was most important to me, then they weren't the person for me. Exactly. And that's the most important point here. You know, you probably heard people say things like, oh, don't be honest about that. You'll scare the men away. Well, guess what? Scare the men away because those are not the men you want to date. Yeah. And scare the women away too if they're not the right people. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

10:42You know, I think there's a fear that, you know, we often have going into dating that if I show up as my real, authentic, raw self, I might put someone off. That's okay, because that's part of the process of screening people out. You're not just screening people in, you screen them out as well. And I think when you arrive at that realisation, it's actually very empowering because you realise that you're going on these dates to assess them. It's not just them assessing you. Sometimes I think the cleverest way of understanding if you're ready is to retrofit it. What are some things that show that you're not ready to date?

11:20Okay. Okay. Great question. And again, I hear this one a lot because so often I meet people who are in, have delved into the dating process and they weren't ready and they're having disaster after disaster. Maybe they keep dating the same person in different clothing, or maybe they're constantly going after commitment phobics and they can't figure out why. So retrofitting, going back a little bit and saying, okay, imagine you're about to start dating now. Here are some questions to ask yourself. I mean, one of them, I think, before we even enter into date readiness is, have you resolved your previous relationship?

12:01Because, you know, of course, going into the next relationship with all that baggage. It's never going to go away, of course. That is part of who you are. And that's actually quite beautiful, you know, because you've got lessons that you've taken from previous relationships that you're bringing in. But I'm talking about the rawness of the emotion. You know, can you talk about your previous relationship without being emotional? You know, do you tear up every time you mention his or her name? Or is there a little bit of emotional separation there where you can sort of say, well, that was a fully contained experience with a start, a middle and an end.

12:37And I'm now past that. Are you there yet? And if you are, that's a good sign that you can start thinking about date readiness. I think that's so wise. And I think definitely one of the things that I struggled with was I still had a feeling of anger over past relationships that had gone awry in some way and a feeling of being really let down and a feeling of being emotionally cheated if not physically cheated on that sense that someone had promised me something but actually turned out not to be capable of delivering that and I think taking that forwards into a new relationship can be incredibly damaging And actually what that does is it narrows the opportunity for that person to show up as themselves because you're already overlapping who they really are with fears from your past that someone is going to be annoyed with you because you've left a teaspoon on the counter.

13:44Those things can actually be very triggering, can't they? Yeah. And on that behavioral level, you can be really driven by those unconscious feelings toward your previous partner. And it might come across as, for example, punishing your new partner when they haven't actually done anything wrong. You know, resentment can actually build up. As you say, you're anticipating things that they might do. They probably won't. Yes. But it can become quite toxic. We get a lot of questions on how to date about how to process heartbreak. in order to be ready. Do you have any top tips, Mel? Firstly, don't do it alone.

14:22You know, I think there is a tendency to think, stiff upper lip, especially us Brits, right? The royal wee there. I should be able to muddle my way through this and get on with it on my own, but you certainly don't have to do it on your own. And I think, you know, everyone in your life has had some experience with heartbreak, whether it's through actual intimate relationships or family or even, you know, workplace breakups, best friend breakups. We've all had experience with that. So being able to join together with other people, like-minded people, and have a bit of a collective cry. The debrief, the unpacking together, the validation and normalization that you get from sharing your experience is so, so important.

15:07Firstly, to not feel alone, but also to feel like you're not going a little bit mad, that all the feelings you're having are actually quite normal. But I think it's probably worth noting here too that if, you know, there is more going on for you than just a little bit of heartbreak, you know, not all relationships are created equal and, of course, not all people's level of resilience and capacity to bounce back is equal. If you are in a position where you're struggling, where, you know, you really feel like you cannot stop thinking about this relationship, you are constantly ruminating on it, you're feeling down, you're unable to perhaps focus on your work or other things.

15:47Those are signs that you probably need to speak to a psychologist. So let's just put that out there as something that's really important to note here. But I guess within that kind of normal range of heartbreak, definitely debriefing with friends. I think there's some really fun rituals that you can do as a way of letting go. You know, something that I know some people do is write down a thank you letter to their ex, thanking them for all the lessons. You know, it can be quite lighthearted. It might be quite heavy in certain parts, but a big thank you and then a thanks but no thanks at the end and then burn it or screw it up and put it in the bin.

16:29You know, those sorts of rituals can be quite symbolic and can actually cut beneath, you know, some of the conscious thinking and actually go a little bit deeper, which can be a really, a really nice way to kind of move through some of that. Yes. And if you wrote that letter whilst listening to Ariana Grande's Thank You Let. Brilliant. That song got me through a lot of breakups, I tell you. I love it. What about some of the negative reasons that we feel compelled to date? So dating from a place of fear, fear of being left behind, fear that all of your contemporaries are finding their match, settling down.

17:08Can fear be a good thing ever? Look, it often leads to an anxious attachment style, you know, and I know we're going to talk about that more on this podcast. The flash of recognition on my face. Absolutely. And that's coming from a place of fear, often fear of rejection or abandonment. And if you think about it logically, going into a relationship already expecting that person to reject you or to hurt you, of course, is going to lead to a whole trail of thinking, feeling and acting. If we come back to those basics of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is really where I sort of grew up in my psychological life, it essentially says that what you think controls what you feel and what you feel controls what you do.

17:55So when you're thinking or your self-talk or that internal monologue is saying things like, she's going to reject me. He's going to hurt me. All men lie. All women cheat. These are really common mantras that some people bring into new relationships. And of course, those thoughts lead to what kind of emotion would you imagine? terror and anxiety. Fear and walking on eggshells and second-guessing everything your partner's doing, perhaps feeling suspicious, building up jealousies because that insecurity is not being met. And then, of course, that flows through into the actions. You know, all of a sudden you're checking their phone or, you know, you're not trusting what's going on when they're out with their friends.

18:44so I think fear left unchecked is a real sign that you're not quite date ready yes and actually that's such a good way of putting it because fear it's not that you should ignore it it's signaling that you need to tackle something and that goes back to that idea the Mel Schilling brackets TM close brackets idea of dating yourself which I think is super important If I look at my own experience, I was in a series of long term monogamous relationships from the age of 19 to 36. I sort of went back to back, partly because of that fear, that fear of being on my own, of being left behind in some way, of being less worthy because I wasn't with someone.

19:31But what that did is that it meant that I became someone who outsourced her sense of self to the relationship that I was in. and I tried to understand what my partner wanted and then fit myself to that mould. And I had not taken the time to understand my own desires in so many ways. And I think that the only way that you can do that, if this is ringing any bells with you as you're listening, the only way that I could do that was actually to spend time on my own. And whether that is just taking yourself off to the cinema on your own or allowing yourself to have a lie in one morning and reading a book in bed with a cup of tea all of these things that seem like you're treading water actually you're doing something that is integrally important you are understanding who you are on your own two feet and I think that it's only then that you can really fully show up as yourself because you've to know yourself.

20:35Absolutely. And I think that's the foundation from which you can then develop what do I want in a partner? Because really without doing that work, you really can't have a stable sense of what you want. It reminds me of a tree without roots and it is quite literally blowing in the wind and just responding to swipes that you're getting on an app, you know, pings on a GPS. You're not actually stopping, grounding yourself, putting down those roots and thinking in a conscious and mindful way, what do I want? What is going to serve me? What is going to bring out my best in a relationship?

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22:22so we have dealt with the when and now we're moving on to the why questions to ask yourself to know whether you're ready to date and as mel just discussed there building confidence and self-esteem is a really really important part of that as is the idea that we're not acting from a place of fear or loneliness or comparison how do we know if we are emotionally available? It's the big question. It's basically the fundamental question of life, Mel. In three words or less, how do we know? And the answer is, oh, the mic's just broken. That is such a big question. And I think, again, this is where it comes back to don't do it on your own.

23:07You know, I love the idea of dating clubs or a dating buddy. You know, the idea that you can have a friend, someone who's going through this process at the same time as you or who's perhaps been through it before to have these conversations with. And when it comes to, am I ready to date? If I am, why am I wanting to step into this next relationship? Those are really great questions to ponder on your own in a journal. You know, the why, because it's such an open-ended question, you know, that free association, just writing without any structure, I think is such a wonderful creative activity to do.

23:48Why do I want to be in a strong, positive relationship? And, you know, listener, I think you'll be surprised what comes up. And, you know, that's a really good starting point with the why. And you'll probably notice some themes coming through in there. And often it's about, you know, what is going to fulfill me? You know, you mentioned about filling your cup. I think that's such a great analogy here. If you're going to step into your next great relationship, what is going to fill your cup? I also want to say that you don't have to date. That if you are genuinely happy, stable, secure, being single and being in a wonderful relationship with yourself and with your platonic friends, that's great.

24:37Absolutely. And I think there might be some people listening to this, or maybe they're not listening because they reject the entire premise, who state proudly, I'm fine as I am. I don't need anyone and I don't want to date. And on the one hand, there are genuinely individuals who I do believe that of. On the other hand, I know friends of mine who say that, but deep down, I feel that they are rejecting, they are avoiding something. and so they're saying that but actually deep down they would like to meet someone but they are intimidated by the idea of putting themselves out there so what would your recommendation be maybe we could both talk about this really about how to get over that that worry about presenting yourself on the apps I mean I know we're going to delve into it more deeply in a future episode but maybe we could just touch on it now with you Mel when you found your husband that was on eHarmony wasn't it how did you find the wherewithal to go online did it scare you um I wouldn't say it scared me but I was very avoidant so my style was very I had a lot of denial going on and I put up this incredible wall, this very, very tough wall.

25:57My friend said I had F off written across my forehead if anyone came near me. And believe it or not, I may be five foot, but apparently I was intimidating. That's so cool. I wish I was more like you. I had anxious desperation across my forehead, I think. Well, neither of us were going to find happiness, really. It's a miracle we've ended up where we Well, we got through it because I had to become aware of it. And I actually had friends challenge me on it where I was saying, you know, like you were saying earlier, I don't want a relationship. I don't need a relationship. I'm single and fabulous.

26:33I'm great on my own. And there were a couple of friends who just would quietly say to me, but really, do you really want to stay on your own? And, you know, when I listened to that very quiet little voice inside my head as I would lay my head on the pillow at night, you know, those few moments between awake and asleep when there's nothing but you and your pillow and blatant honesty, those are the moments when I reflected and thought I would love to be lying next to someone here who is just my perfect match. But I wouldn't dare say that out loud because if I say that out loud, what if I meet someone and they reject me?

27:18Or what if I meet someone and they leave me? It was that fear of being vulnerable, I think, for me. So what was it then that brought that wall down? Well, it all happened around the same time as I was becoming a dating coach. So I had this almost parallel process happening in my professional life and in my personal life. So I started doing some little mini social experiments with myself. So I started, well, I told myself I was doing experiments. Yes. So it's almost like I tricked myself into online dating. Clever psychology. Right. What's going on there? Something going on there is very complex, but it got me in there.

28:02and I realised that there were some really positive things coming up but I also got feedback from people. You know, one of them was from an ex about coming across as intimidating which at first I found funny but then I thought it through and I thought, hmm, it's not really funny. It's actually a massive defence mechanism going on here and in a later episode I'll talk about one of those first date experiences where it was all about the wall and there was really none of the real me showing through. Was it intimidating when you went on? I mean, do we call eHarmony an app? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.