Kelly Brook -  I’m In My Don’t Give A Damn Era!

0:00I remember going into the agency in my school uniform and I said I won't do page three and I won't do topless but I'll definitely do lingerie and swimwear like I was very happy happy happy to do I'm happy to do you know I'm happy to work I'm happy to do you know I'm happy to do you know I'm happy to do you know I'm happy to do you know I'm happy to go Before we get on to this episode, please do subscribe because it really, really helps and it ensures that you will never miss a single conversation.

0:57Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10 % of all e-commerce in the US, from household names like Mattel to brands just getting started. Get started with your own design studio. With hundreds of ready-to-use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store to match your brand style. Turn your big business idea into with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your£1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.co.uk slash fail. Go to shopify.co.uk slash fail. Joel Domit, shall we tell these wonderful people about the new business that we're starting?

1:44Good idea, Ben Shepard, especially if you want them to come along for the ride. Which is exactly what we want. Quite simply, we are starting a business. We're starting a brand. This is not going to be a television show. There's no bright lights and makeup. This is very, very real. We've got no idea how to do it, but we are going to share the whole journey with you right here on our brand new podcast. The Businessmen Podcast, out now. Kelly Brook is a woman whose career has reflected the shifting tides of the British media landscape. From first finding fame as a glamour model in the 1990s and being voted FHM's sexiest woman in the world on more than one occasion, she later made the move into TV presenting and acting.

2:28But she was dogged by sexist public perceptions, enduring years of mean-spirited headlines, public scrutiny and media diminishment. She had to work tirelessly to prove herself. And she did. Today, Brooke, the daughter of a scaffolder and a cook from Rochester, Kent, who got a place at stage school after watching Fame on television, is a radio presenter on Heart FM and a regular panellist on ITV's Loose Women. It's also just been revealed that she'll take part in this year's I'm a Celebrity. alongside her professional evolution Brooke's unstinting honesty about her changing body as well as her decision not to have children after miscarriage and her work on her own self-worth has brought her a new credibility and happiness in her personal life Brooke married model, actor and judo expert Jeremy Parisi in 2022 he says of his wife everyone knows that Kelly is beautiful But what they don't know is she's a woman with whom everything is possible.

3:35There are no limits. Kelly Brook, welcome to How To Fail. That makes me cry and we've only just started. Oh, Kelly! I thought that was such a gorgeous thing for him to say. That is so sweet. He says that to me a lot. Do you agree with him? I never thought about it until I met him And I realized how much we put limitations on ourselves as people and maybe how much limitation he'd put on himself. And I think when he met me, I think we gave each other confidence to just live our dreams and to do things maybe we wouldn't have done before. So likewise, I think he makes me feel like anything's possible.

4:16So I think it's a mutual thing. Tell me the story of how you met because it's one of my favorite meet-cutes. we met um this is so funny I was living in Los Angeles and my girlfriend and I were studying martial arts to keep fit and one night we went home we were watching some martial arts videos and I saw a picture of him and it just had this headline like Jeremy Parisi like judo champion and I just thought he was the most beautiful looking man I'd ever seen and uh and I just started following him on Instagram and he followed me back and we started chatting and we literally just were friends for like six months just kind of talking about fitness and health and what we were doing.

4:58And then when I finally came back to London, I said, why don't you just come over and visit and spend the weekend with us in London and come out with me and my friends. And we kept it really casual. So we were friends for quite a long time before it became romantic, which was nice. But we've met before. I interviewed you for a newspaper in 2009 and I really liked you then and I have actually always felt so happy for you like watching your progress and it strikes me that in your relationship with Jeremy I think you have what I have in my now relationship with Justin which is a feeling of safety and acceptance of who you actually are rather than who you might have been performing before does that track with you?

5:44Oh, absolutely. I think when I met my husband, it was just, I wasn't ready for it. And I actually didn't accept it for about two years. I just assumed that at some point, you know, I was going to see kind of cracks in the relationship and see him for who he really was. And the fact that he just wanted to be with a famous woman or, you know, all of these things that I'd kind of dealt with in previous relationships. and it was just, he used to say to me, I don't know what you're expecting. Like, this is me. Like, I love you and I want to be with you. And he didn't just say it. It was how he portrayed his love through his actions.

6:22He didn't speak English when we met. He's, you know, English is his third language. He learned English fluently. He just made so many sacrifices to be with me, which were in my eyes just the sheer definition of love whereas anyone can say it I mean we're 10 years in now and unfortunately when it's right it goes by so quickly that's the only downside with me in the love of your life and you're like oh wow god the time is really flying by and I think we try and just spend as much time together as possible and try and do everything together to keep you know the family together and yeah it's just been the most incredible 10 years of my life.

7:00Well having said that about spending time together you're about to spend three weeks apart hopefully because you're about to fly to Australia to take part in this year's I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Congratulations on being cast. Thank you. Now you did say that you'd never do I'm a Celebrity back in 2018 you were quoted as saying you'd never do it. So what's changed? Okay what changed? Really good question. A friend of mine got asked to have a meeting with the producers of I'm a Celebrity and they told me that they were meeting for this show and I said you have to do it it will be the most amazing thing I absolutely love watching that show oh my god you'll have the most what an incredible life experience like you're just going to be so great on it and I was saying all of this and then thinking to myself afterwards well why can't I give myself that advice how how do I find it so easy to to give someone else like life advice like that but I'd never follow my own and I realised it was just basically out of fear and I thought to myself do you know what it's about time that I kind of live my don't give a damn era and so I started thinking about it and I thought maybe I should meet the producers of this show and maybe I should find out what it's all about and I do love the show anyway yeah and luckily enough there was a space and they gave it to me so I'm so excited to see you on screen now we're not allowed to talk about any other rumoured castmates no can you tell me about what you're doing to prepare oh a lot of body lasering a lot of hair removal because I don't think there'll be much of that going on what am I doing to prepare I've cut out the coffee because I think that would be a big thing for me just not having caffeine um it's funny like you're like day-to-day things that you are kind of hooked on like caffeine sugar things like that like I love cooking for myself like I love to eat um I love a glass of wine so I'm just kind of winding down all of those things that you know are kind of my comfort here you know that I'm not going to have there so that's really mostly what I've been doing and just kind of getting my head around it and watching trials back on the television just reruns to see what I'll be doing what are you most nervous about I mean I'm terrified of everything I think as I've got older I've got more phobias I'm even scared to get the tube at like Leicester Square and go up that escalator because it's too steep for me.

9:21I wait for someone to be behind me and in front of me like I'm sandwiched. So I think I'm scared of heights. I'm scared of snakes. I'm scared of spiders, like all of those things. I don't mind them in like small doses, but the fact that they're going to be running all over me on me is like terrifying. But I'm happy to kind of just face my phobias. I think it'll be quite empowering. Are you scared of your fellow celebrities? By which I mean, like, because it's very intense spending what could be three weeks with people you might not know or you might know a bit or and there's probably a lot of ego in the jungle yeah I mean I do think that it is down to the group you're with isn't it I mean I do hope that we have a really good group um I'm not a lazy person so I love to cook I love to clean I love to muck in I mean I get bored really easily so that won't be a problem for me um yeah I just hope that we just have a really good group and have a really good laugh.

10:15And are you worried about having to give up your phone? That actually not so much because Jeremy and I did a show called Race Across the World and we gave up our phones for five weeks and it was really liberating and I actually stopped having headaches because I sometimes get like headaches from being on everything's on your phone now isn't it so not really I think that's it's like being a kid again isn't it just imagine like your day-to-day grind of what we have to do go to work take the dog out do the washing you know all that day-to-day chores like all of that goes out the window and you just get to like lay in a hammock for five weeks and just like light a fire and do a few trials how hard can it be well I can't wait to see you on our screen so the first episode is Sunday the 16th of November and I'm so delighted that you've come on how to fail because it's the first time you're actually talking about it publicly yes it is so thank you for for choosing us it's an exclusive yay um I also really appreciate this idea that you're entering your era of giving less of a fuck.

11:17Absolutely. Now, remind me of your age. Oh, I'll be 46 when I'm 46. Best age. Yeah. So is it something about being in your 40s that you think has been empowering in that regard? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think, but also I think there was a lot of things I wanted to do in my life. And, you know, in a in a long career you know there's certain things that you would choose to do that would stop you doing other things you want to do and I always felt like maybe television or reality television would kind of derail that um so so there was there's a lot of snobbery in our business um I'm not a snob when it comes to work I think what anyone that wants to work is like it's fantastic and all works great work but in our business it's never seen like that so I think this has come around at the right time where I feel like I've ticked a lot of those boxes and I've done a lot of those things that I wanted to do and now with something like I'm a celebrity it's like the right time you know it's like who cares I've done it I've been in the theatre you know I've got a great radio show um I've been to America like I've done so much that I just feel like now I want to do something for me well that idea of all work being good work actually brings us onto your first failure and I have to say Kelly Brooke these are some absolute humdingers in terms of failures they are so profound and we're going to get so deep with them and I'm really grateful to you for for giving this the thought that you clearly have and thank you for the free therapy oh my gosh anytime that's the biggest compliment you could pay me so don't worry there's a box of tissues right there.

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14:20The Businessmen Podcast, out now. Oh, hello, I'm Simon May. Oh, hello, I'm Mark Kermode. And on this week's take, it's a packed show. We have reviews of Predator Badlands, Coral, Die My Love and Anemone with our very special guests plural. Yes, it's director Ronan Day-Lewis and one of its stars, his father, Daniel Day-Lewis or Sir Daniel Day-Lewis. Or Danny Boy. No, wrong one. Everything is fantastic. We'll see you there. And if you're not subscribed already, what are you thinking? Subscribe for extra takes and bonus goodies now. Okay, so your first failure is your failure to acknowledge success.

15:01And you said to me that you feel like this comes from working class guilt. So talk to me a little bit about that and about your childhood and how the value of work was talked about in your home. So my dad was a very hard worker. He was a scaffolder and worked every day right up until the day he died. And, you know, I came from a very normal working class background. But success came to me very quickly. So even though we all worked hard as a family, there was never a lot of money there. So we were quite poor growing up. We didn't have a lot. We had enough, but we didn't have a lot. And there were a lot of problems in the house in terms of drinking, for example.

15:47My mum and dad would drink a lot. They would sometimes fight. I've talked about that quite a lot in the book that I released a few years ago. So there was a lot of things that were happening that I thought being young and naive was a result of us being poor. And I thought if I was to work hard and be successful and make money, then that would change all of that. And actually it would make things better. And then obviously when success comes to you quick and money comes to you quick, you know, my first TV job, I was 18 and I had money and I had success. And you realize that that actually doesn't change those things.

16:22You know, people are people, they're always going to be those people and you can't change people or dynamics. Um, it's quite a, quite a big wake up call. And to have that quite early on was quite significant for me. Some of your childhood you kind of want to remove yourself from and getting into showbiz and performing does remove you from that. And so it's a lovely world that you create. And my mum would call it Kelly's World. I was all right for you in Kelly's World. But that's really alienating and quite a lonely place to be in Kelly's World. So straddling Kelly's World and then having a relationship with your family.

16:58And it's something I still struggle with now. That phrase Kelly's world also sounds like it can be quite diminishing. Well it's just like it's like you're just on another planet you're someone else now you're like oh you're just you're in your own world it's like we don't relate to you anymore that's what you do you know and and when your family are doing that it's so upsetting because you you know I want to be with my family more than I want to be in Kelly's world but you know this career in this path I've chosen is you know giving me all these opportunities um wealth you know things that I could have you know beyond my wildest dreams and to be made to feel guilty to enjoy those things was really difficult you got your first job I think when you were 16 is that right yes yes okay so this was all happening when you were really young as well and when you were also adolescents are trying to find their own identities within and without the family unit.

17:56What was your first job? My first job was glamour modelling. It was a swimwear shoot in Portugal on a beach with amateur photographers, not even professional photographers, and they would pay to take pictures of you in your bikini. That was a job. Yeah. And you were 16? I was 16. How did that feel? Strange, quite strange. But, you know, I kind of had to grow up really quickly. You know, I mean, I went to school in London from the age of 11. I would get on the train every day. And, you know, I was very grown up for my age. I think I had to grow up really quickly. I didn't have much of a childhood in terms of that.

18:41Like it was like, you know, going to school in London was quite a big deal. And I wasn't chaperoned or anything. so I always felt older than my years and quite mature for my years anyway um but being sexualized like that at such a young age was very uncomfortable I've never felt like a sexy woman I've never I'm like a clown I like to make people laugh I like to have egg on my face like I'm I'm like quirky in that respect so to be sexualized and to be seen as sexy was just a bit of a strange thing that didn't really resonate with my soul. You know, my physical appearance and my soul are like two different things.

19:19Yeah. So that's kind of interesting. Very interesting because it was also your ticket out. So I imagine you wanted to pursue it even though it wasn't necessarily aligned with your soul's purpose. No, I think no, no, it was that job actually was, yeah, it was something that came along through someone that knew my mother at the time, actually. So that wasn't something that I necessarily pursued. But yeah, having an agent was something that was really good. I got a model agent from the age of like 16. She was a lady called Samantha Bond, and she looked after a lot of glamour models. I couldn't really sign with a fashion agency at that time because I was very curvy.

19:58And I remember going into the agency in my school uniform and I said, I won't do page three and I won't do topless, but I'll definitely do lingerie and swimwear. Like I was very happy with that. And they booked me for lots of different jobs. I did pop videos and commercials and all sorts of things. So I had a couple of years of, you know, working quite a lot and really enjoying myself and doing quite well. And at the height of this phase of your life, you were so famous and regarded by so many people, both men and women, as like the ideal of what a woman should look like. What was that like for you when you were just going about your daily business and walking down the street?

20:39would you have people come up to you and say you're FHM's most sexy woman in the world? Do you know what, Elizabeth? Sitting here now as 46 years old, if I had my head and could put it on that body and that person, I mean, can you imagine like the world's your oyster? Unfortunately, it never matches up like that, does it? Like you don't feel that in your head. Like you can't, like even you saying that now, I'm like, I guess I was, wasn't I? But I don't ever remember having those moments ever thinking that or feeling that. And also in the 90s, don't forget, like, being really thin was very fashionable.

21:17Like, being curvy wasn't fashionable. So it was only really the Lads Mags and FHM, Maxim, all those kind of magazines that were celebrating curvy girls. So, and I aspired to be in Vogue and Cosmo and Glamour magazine and those magazines, the magazines I read. so for me it was just a job I remember when I was trying to buy my first flat and I was driving around South London and I was going in different flats having a look and I remember walking into the bedroom of a teenage a teenage boy's bedroom and my like poster was on the wall and just being absolutely mortified and it never even dawned on me that that poster would go on a wall like I know that sounds crazy but it was I'd turn up do the shoot go home and they didn't really think about the pictures or where they went or who bought those magazines.

22:06I just didn't ever think about it. The 90s were a time that they're undergoing a bit of a cultural re-evaluation at the moment, like what we put women through in the 90s. It's astonishing that anyone with a profile managed to survive that decade. How do you feel about the 90s and the 90s treatment of women in the public eye now looking back with your 46-year-old head? It's really hard, isn't it? because you look back and you think, I mean, I work with young people now at the radio and, and I see how sensitive the younger generations are and, and rightly so, and how they don't tolerate it. And it upsets me that in the nineties that we did tolerate it, you know, but we didn't really have a voice, you know, we didn't have social media back then.

22:52So the media really dictated everyone's opinion about who you were. They dictated your career. They dictated everything. when social media came along it kind of humanized us in a way that had never happened before because all of a sudden we had our voice and we could talk and say what we felt and what was going on and it's it's just changed the whole landscape um yeah looking back it was it was just dominated wasn't it by cruel writers bullies really trolls it's that it's like that's the equivalent of now isn't it yeah you know the trolling but it wasn't kind of in the forums it was you know like headlines how much of this failure to acknowledge success is about a need to be relatable I put that in quotation marks or likable like a need to be accepted still the failure to acknowledge success also comes from you know criticism you know people telling you you're not very good you know all of that so if you read that enough you start to believe it anyway um I mean I think Elton John said once there's nothing that keeps you more grounded than reading your own reviews for things like keeps your feet on the ground it's a very British thing isn't it you know I think when I went to America that was a big eye-opener for me you know because I think the American culture is to always you know big yourself up and to um you know be your own biggest fan really and I just don't think we have that in the UK.

24:17So because I've lived in America and the UK, you know, over the years, I do try to aspire to be more American sometimes. And I think it's okay to kind of tap yourself on the back sometimes and say, yeah, you've smashed it. You've done a really good job. But I do struggle with it. It's not my comfortable place, I have to say. So you've said it's not your comfort zone. I'm about to do a horrible thing and put you in an uncomfortable place and ask you about success what for you do you think success is now my marriage my marriage is just the best thing in my life yeah just being able to have a happy healthy marriage with somebody that I love dearly like it just it's like that comes that's my top priority above everything um in the past I would be very selfish when it came to work you know work was such a big driver for me and I never thought about my relationships in those moments when I was making decisions and and that was a default really I should have done I should have been a bit more considerate to my partners I should have been a lot more considerate um but I was young and selfish and I just don't feel like I'm in that place now I just feel like when you meet someone that you really truly love you just want to make sure that all your decisions that they're considered so yeah If anyone is listening to this and they are in the kind of wilderness of dating and they've gone through failed relationships and they don't think they're going to meet the person and they're wondering what to do and what advice they could hear from someone who has found the person, what would you say to them?

25:51What would you say to your younger self who might never have believed that she would meet Jeremy? I would say just give people a chance. you know sometimes the people are the most unexpected as sometimes the ones that are the right ones and you know with Jeremy he didn't even speak English when we met my mother said that was part of our success in the beginning that's why he stayed around so long but um yeah I would say just uh persevere I know people's I know this is a cliche when people say it takes work and I never really understood what that meant because I thought well I thought that meant chemistry like you've got to work on chemistry or you know that's sexual attraction I thought well if you have to work on that it's not there and I don't think it's work in terms of that um because I think that thing comes and goes in waves anyway throughout relationships I think the work comes from yeah just being more considerate of them and showing up for them you know as well as not losing yourself in that process I could not agree more so I met Justin my now husband on Hinge, this dating app.

26:59And I met him because I changed my parameters. So I like up the age limit. Even though he's not like 85 or anything. And if I hadn't changed those parameters and that checklist, then I would never have found him. So I think that's great advice. Yeah, my friend said to me, he's like, Kelly, you tell me what you want, but what you do is completely different. And I was like, oh, because you sit there, you're like, I just want a really nice man. I loved your impression of the friends. Oh no, yeah, Rand. he just told me one day over lunch yeah he just told me as it was that's hilarious okay well let's get on to your second failure which is as you said kind of connected to this which is failure to put up boundaries yes so did that start with your family oh yeah I mean I think it starts with reading reviews as well for work like you know put up that boundary you know you don't need to you don't need to let that into your into your headspace you know you don't want that living rent free that you're terrible and no good at your job so that can you can park that um family is a really interesting one because um boundaries definitely have to be put up there because mothers and daughters as you know there's there's few boundaries there so my mum had me when she was very young like she was 17 so I grew up with a very young mother like sometimes I feel like we're more sisters than like mother-daughter um and yeah I think just always wanting that kind of validation that everything all your decisions have to be run through your family and getting into that kind of codependent routine is not healthy so I think when I got into my mid-30s and all of that back and forth hadn't served me I just had to put up a boundary and make my own decisions and just kind of stick with it like putting up boundaries knowing that those people might fall away you know in terms of friendships as well you know I've lost a lot of friendships over the years because of certain things that have happened and you just think that's just doesn't serve me anymore that's not helping me grow and I think people get scared when you grow and you it looks like you're kind of changing you know I think people like you to stay who they think they know I'm very interested in how in your first failure we spoke a little bit about the need to be likable and accepted and I think there's a misconception that lots of people think that putting a boundary up makes you unlikable or selfish in some way what would you say to them like what have you learned about boundaries and how to implement them because I think a lot of people particularly women find it very difficult it's not like you don't want to be there for people or acknowledge people's you know issues or struggles or whatever people are going through but it can't be to the detriment of you and I think that's that can sometimes be um where you kind of fall down and I think I'm such a people I have been in the past such a people pleaser and you know wanting to be friends with everyone and wanting to be there for everyone and not putting myself first and it hasn't served me so I unfortunately as I get older I've become more of a selfish bitch and I don't really care anymore that'll be the episode title thanks very much Kelly sorry um how did that play out in romantic relationships before Jeremy I think definitely in my first relationship, there was definitely elements of codependency.

30:21And there was elements of me putting my career and my life on hold. I had a really good job at MTV. I remember I was hosting a daily show there and it was just after I'd got fired off the big breakfast. And I got a really great show there and I was there for about a year. And my boyfriend at the time was an actor and I remember he you know got offered a few roles in things you know it was like a bouncer on the door at in EastEnders doing something and he had so much talent and charisma and I was like you know what we just got to go to America I just think it's going to be like the making of us if we just go but I had this really good job and we had no money and I quit my job and we went and I kind of was like there as this kind of like support network for him and watched his career flourish whereas mine kind of floundered a bit because I didn't have the same opportunities and and I was just kind of flying back and forth between the UK and LA and it was quite taxing and expensive and it was exhausting um and his career just took off and it just became like the most incredible thing but because I did so much and didn't look after myself I just felt so neglected in that dynamic and to the point where I actually we actually I actually fell out of love with him in the end because he hadn't showed up for me like I'd showed up for him I didn't feel so we broke up and I think he just turned around to me and was like why are you leaving now like look like I'm a movie star and I'm a millionaire like why now and I was like you just didn't you just haven't been there like you haven't been there for me and I need to become a woman like during this process I've kind of become a woman and you know I don't think you know who I am anymore like you know the girl that quit MTV and came with you but you don't know the woman and so it was just a really hard time but I think that was the first time where I really kind of did something for myself and and it was the best decision oh my god the best decision that's an amazing story yeah thank you for sharing it that's okay to be this person was it Jason Statham it was I think everyone kind of knows I know because when it was public I'm not saying anything that isn't in the public domain anyway people might not relate to having dated Jason Statham but people can so relate to what you just said there.

32:52I can relate to it. And I think it's so powerful finally to get to that point where you're like, actually, if I stay here, I'm going to lose myself. And being true to yourself being more important than keeping the peace. Yeah, absolutely. Because I could have stayed there and, you know, lived the life. But I just, I needed to grow as a woman, as a person. I needed my own career. I needed to have other relationships. you know, I think I broke both of our hearts in that situation. And then I went on and had my heart broken by somebody and I needed to learn that because all of that has led me to, you know, my relationship now with Jeremy.

33:33And that's why I hold it so sacred. Like I would never want to hurt him. And I think likewise, he would never want to hurt me. So you just protect it. And it's only until you've broken a heart or had your heart broken that you have that kind of feeling I think you've got to go through it all did you ever have the experience of dating someone who wanted to date Kelly Brook the model and TV presenter and did you feel the pressure of living up to that rather than being Kelly Brook human um I think in my 30s I dated a lot of younger guys I do think that that kind of was like more my like maternal side coming out when I look back I think what was that whole era about?

34:18That was an interesting chapter. Yeah, because I didn't have children or anything. I think my kind of maternal nurturing side definitely was being exploited in that moment. So yeah, I definitely think those guys were probably with me for the fact that I was on television and a famous woman. But then likewise, you know, I got to mother them. So it works both ways. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Yeah, we were chatting before we started recording about the time that I first met you and you were dating a 21-year-old rugby player. Yes, yes. I was like, when I read that back, like 15 years later, I was like, what the hell was I thinking?

34:59But yeah, I mean, shortly after that, I did, you know, try to have a family. So I was definitely, that was definitely scratching at the kind of maternal side of me for sure. Yes. Well, when we met, it was 2009. And the other thing that you were grappling with then was that you had lost your dad just two years earlier. And I wanted to ask you about that. And first of all, say again, I'm so sorry for your loss, because at the time when all of this was happening in your life, to lose someone so dear to you must have been incredibly difficult. What do you think he would have made of Jeremy? oh he would have loved Jeremy yeah my dad would have loved Jeremy so much um yeah gosh I that was such a difficult time that was such a lot to navigate especially when you lose parents really young and none of your friends have been through that and I just don't think you ever really understand what people are going through until you've been through it unfortunately so it was like oh you know like Kelly's father passed away but you know let's all go out clubbing now it's just like life kind of just continues and you're just in this like whirlwind I think when we met I must have been probably about eight stone I just remember being so thin and weak and just sad I just remember that I know that grief is not linear and it never goes away how are you with your grief now yeah I've come to terms with it I think I'm happy that my mum has moved on and she's found happiness with somebody else so that's good the other the downside to that is I feel more removed from her now as well because obviously now she's got a new family so I think when you lose someone as significant as your dad and my dad was really the glue to our family it all feels a bit kind of fragmented and a bit everyone's kind of goes off and does their own thing I think the dynamic of the family never really recovers from that so that's been really difficult to adjust to like Christmases are never the same it's just not that it's just not the same um but I'm happy that she's happy that's good um but yeah I mean I miss my dad every day you mentioned there that when you look back at photos of yourself when you were in real pain and you were about eight stone you see an unhappy young woman I'm very wary of bringing this up because we're all sick of talking about it and yet it's so important and I wonder if you could talk to me about changing bodies do you mind my asking about it no no because you know you and I both remember the 90s we both came of age in the 90s and I had felt like we were past that like past that desire for thinness past that desire to like shrink ourselves and yet with weight loss jabs and I'm not including people who are on weight loss jabs for health reasons but it feels like there's a lot of that noise that's come back again with with a vengeance and I wonder how you navigate all of that oh well I was offered monjaro literally last week by a doctor wow isn't that insane that's isn't that insane so upsetting Kelly that is insane and I look I'm all for I love facials I love you know massage you know I have a little bit of Botox here because I frown a lot so you know I do I do do things but when it comes to my body I'm really precious about my body I love my body I absolutely love my body I ran a marathon this year and I'm 45 years old um my body has got me through so many things and I just I just love my curves I love my husband loves my curves um I just think it's just unfortunate that women feel the need to to change who they are and what did you say to that doctor I said what do I need that for what did they say he said everyone's on it and I said well I'm not on it and I said what are the side effects he goes oh there aren't any uh I said well I you know and then yeah there was a whole conversation.

39:09I don't comply. He knows I don't comply because they try to give me all sorts of things. I'm like, nope, nope, nope. I know what I like. I wonder if how you feel about your body as I do feel about my own body is related to your third failure, which is something that I can't wait to talk to you about because I've been on a similar path. And your third failure, as you put it, is the failure of not starting a family. Yes.

39:37this holiday discover meaningful gifts for everyone on your list at k not sure where to start our jewelry experts are here to help you find or create the perfect gift in store or online book your appointment today and unwrap love this season only at k were you someone who grew up wanting to be a mother no i don't think i ever wanted to be a mother i think that comes from having to grow up very quickly as a as a young girl and not having the most healthiest relationship with my mother and her not having a healthy relationship with her mother because it's all you know it all trickles down doesn't it so I think by the time it got to me I just didn't want any part of that kind of mother daughter or relationship so I didn't see that in part of my plan at all.

40:32But then in my thirties, I got pregnant and it was with somebody that I hadn't been with for very long. And it was really a case of like, well, I'm in my thirties. This might be my last roll of the dice. Maybe I should just do this. Um, he's a nice guy, you know, maybe this is it. Maybe it's that kind of, you know, whole like kind of taxi light thing goes off and this is what we're going to do. And my partner at the time really wanted to have the baby and I got my head around it and we moved forward with that and that was a decision we made and then lo and behold I had a miscarriage at six months which was the most traumatic horrific thing that I've ever been through and it was just the most devastating thing and it took me quite a long time for my body and for everything to kind of I don't think you ever fully recover from that But our relationship didn't survive that.

41:31And I just had to kind of pick myself back up and just kind of move forward. And I just think I was so traumatized by it. I just never even wanted to try again. I just thought it's not in my world. I just don't want to go through that again. Kelly, I'm so sorry. Did you not know that? I did not know it was six months. Yes, it was, yeah. Because I do know that you have to go through the process of giving birth. Yeah, yeah, you do. Yeah, yeah. Tell me if this is too much or too intrusive. Did you give your baby a name and did you bury your baby? I went through the birth because it was, for me, something that we did together.