ON REALITY TV… With Dorinda Medley and Captain Sandy

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1:25Rated T for Teen.

1:36now if you know me at all you'll know that I'm a passionate unapologetic advocate for reality tv truly it could be my phd subject now some people might mistakenly think it's just surface level fluff but what great reality tv shows do is show people navigating the ups and downs of life it makes us feel less alone and it also entertains and provides some escapism and a break from daily routines so this felt like a good week to listen back to some reality tv stars who have been on how to fail given that in the next few days i am heading to bravo con i know i'm so excited and for those of you who don't know bravo con is an annual fan convention hosted by the tv network bravo celebrating all of its reality shows and the castmates on them.

2:25And I am so excited, I can't even put it into words. First up, you're going to hear from Dorinda Medley. You'll know her from The Real Housewives of New York. And we recorded this episode in New York earlier this year. Dorinda talks about how she was recruited to appear on Housewives and the fact that she had just lost her husband at the time and how the reality TV community picked her up. Secondly, we hear from a below deck legend, Captain Sandy. Sandy talks about what it's like with production staff on board the yacht, her favourite members of the team, her favourite members of the crew, and most crucially, what would be on her preference sheet.

3:06Even if you're not currently a fan of any reality TV, I mean, who even are you? I think you'll find this a fascinating peek behind the curtain of some of the world's biggest shows. And now, here's Dorinda.

3:22So, you know, Ramona was always was a very dear friend, Luann and all of them. I always stayed in contact with them. And, you know, they had asked me previously to be on and I would always be in the background and scenes. I don't know if you look at that. Yeah, don't you worry. So Ramona said to me one day, enough. Like, you need to do something now. And, you know, it would be great. You'd be great at Housewives. I mean, you know everybody. You've been on and you know us. and just do housewives for a year and do something. Because, and I thought, you know what? She said, you can be a friend. You can be a friend.

3:59And if you don't like it, you can leave. It's four months, four months of filming, right? And I thought, so I think I kind of did. It's so funny because now it's much more of a bigger process. I had lunch with Ramona and Lisa Shannon, or it wasn't even Lisa Shannon, one of the people. And they were like, okay, you can be on. It was that simple. I don't remember thinking of it as auditioning. I'm thinking of, I'm going to do this. And your life changed and so did ours as viewers. And we're going to come back to Housewives as it pertains to one of your failures. But your first failure is playing Superwoman.

4:30And as you put it to me, I played Superwoman so long, I forgot how to be vulnerable and allow outside people to help me. So tell me when you first realized this about yourself. After Richard died. and that's why I could do housewives it all feeds because I knew that I came to New York City you know without a lot of money a lot of not a lot of opportunity and I was always I never I was very careful not to show too many flaws and keep it you know and do everything right and follow the rules and never be unhappy you know and mourn personally privately and you know it's it's not that I was superficial.

5:14It's just that I wanted to appear strong. I can do everything. I even remember with Ralph, you know, my first husband who, by the way, I still love today. And he's a great guy and he's very close to Hannah. And I attribute all of Hannah's, you know, a lot of, not all of Hannah's success because Hannah owns her own success, but her success, a lot of her success in her life, not just from me, but from both of us. But you know, I even remember when we moved to London for the first time, I didn't know a soul. I mean, my best friends were at Peter Jones. I'd go visit people at Peter Jones at the Candled place.

5:45There was that Florio brand, I think it was called. Yes. Yeah. It's still there. I actually had lunch with them at L 'Oreal one day because I just was looking for a friend, right? And I just studied how the women dressed and studied how they set tables and took a course at the Lee School and really made sure if Ralph had to go to work at 5.15 in the morning. I was up waiting for him, made sure I knew when he came home, made sure I laid out his clothes, made sure I took on this investment banker's wife, never looking scared or unknowledgeable. Like I watched the way lady so-and-so did stuff. I watched the way people, you know, dressed their children when they were in the park.

6:27So I became a study of that. And I just always was afraid that I think I could do it. No, there was no, there was no no absolutely are you tired no would you throw this absolutely you know everything was yes yes and you know the truth of the matter is when I look back at that now I was afraid I was young I had no friends there was no phones I couldn't barely contact my family you know because there was no cell phones no FaceTime there were a lot of times when Ralph was thankfully working 12 14 hours a day and gone three days a week and I had a brand new baby that I wanted my mother. Yes. But I couldn't do that.

7:06So I didn't reach out to a lot of people and say, and when my mother would call and be like, how are you doing? I'm like, I'm fine. It's great. It's wonderful. We just moved into Eaton Place and I'm so excited. We're going to the Venice, but like it was all that. And then now I feel like I'm much more, I'm much more saying, I don't want, that frightens me. Like, and I need your help. Can I talk to you? I even texted someone the other day and after I texted I thought, oh, should I put that in text? I said, listen, can I if you get time, can you call me back? I'm feeling sad today. And after I sent it, I kind of because I sent a flaw.

7:46Well done for sending the text, first of all. And thank you so much for talking about this because it's so relatable and this is the thing, we connect as humans through our vulnerability. That's it. It makes you more lovable. It makes And you feel closer to you when you do me the honor of sharing something like that. And that's what housewives allied me. So when you go full circle, all of a sudden, because I didn't really give a shit anymore, you know, and I was still grieving. For me, I wasn't great at therapy. I mean, I went to it like three times. I was like, I don't want to talk about him.

8:19Like, I wasn't great at it. And I found myself getting very insular and angry. A lot of people mourn by crying a lot and stuff. I was angry. I was lost. I felt like I got cheated. You know, so it was a great way for me to work through my really housewives. And I always thank Andy Cohen for this and the Bravo world. It was really a place where I was able to go through a lot of my mourning. I met Carol Roswell, who we had that incredible bonding scene with in London. I remember. It opened up a bigger world. And I just was able to be vulnerable and not care.

8:58I'm going to ask you some very niche questions now because this is the only opportunity I'll get Do the crew that are being filmed always sleep on the boat? Do they ever have a night off the boat during charge season? No, they sleep on the boat every night And you sleep on the boat every night? Yes We wake up together and we go to, not all together but you know what I mean It's just like breakfast, lunch and dinner You're with each other 24-7 And how does it work with the production crew? Because it's a very confined area below deck. You've got all these extra people that we never see as viewers who are filming the whole thing.

9:33That's right. Whenever they sleep. They sleep off the boat. Okay. So they have another boat that transport them to and from the hotel. But at the same time, the confined spaces, right? So the stairwells are very narrow. Like they're running up those stairs with those cameras. And you'll see the people carrying the mic box whenever the camera comes around or we're walking. And you start to feel bad because they have to duck really fast or they run out of the camera shot. And I go, oh, my gosh, why didn't I use the other door? Now I'm like messing with their movement. Do you have to consult with the production when you want to fire someone?

10:10I do, but I don't have to. But of course, they got to line other people up because we have to require a certain amount of people on board to be able to leave the dock. It's called a safe manning document. So the insurance companies require that and the flag state requires that. I can't just drive a boat off the dock without a certain amount of crew with the certifications. OK, I want to ask about some specific incidents. Namely, I want to ask about the chef, Mila, and those nachos. now she licked the steak too did you see that did she well sorry she licked the steak I did not see she licked the steak yes and when it was in the microwave that she microwaved and then she smelled it and licked it was she actually a chef she on her cv it said she was a chef I believe her I believe everyone yeah until they show me otherwise and I'm like why did I believe them who for you has been the best chief stew you've ever worked with on the tv show the best they all bring different elements right i wouldn't say the best natasha was very polarizing watching it with chef dave but she was she was fine dining yes she was really excellent like i really admired her ability to serve and the kind of service that I would want as a super yacht captain.

11:38They're all great, but they all bring different elements. So I don't really have one. I thought you did a great job of managing Frasier in the last season and you ended up, it felt like the two of you with such mutual respect. Yes. You know, when I come as a captain, I come with years of experience with former crew. Some of the best crew. I had a chief stewardess who served the queen of England. Like she's the finest, like apart from the TV show, she was Irish, Aoife, and she was my chief stew. And I actually had a client complain about her that she was too formal. I go, that's a great complaint.

12:14I mean, it's okay. You know, so Fraser, I see that he didn't have a lot of experience. It was really about that. And when you don't know how to manage people, that's really a disservice to the client and to yourself. To learn management skills, you have to remain teachable. To think that you know everything about everything is really ego. You're failure, right? So sometimes you just have to let them know, no, that's not how you do it. Maybe you're not here to make friends, you're here to do a job. I want to go back to your life before you got into the maritime industry in a minute, but just finally on the below deck questions.

13:00Have you ever imagined, so again, for anyone who hasn't watched it, the clients come and the primary will give a preference sheet and say their likes and dislikes and that they want an all white dressed theme party, an 80s disco, and they can't eat gluten. What would be on your preference sheet? oh my gosh i would say get the grill out okay everything on the grill yeah you know honestly i love grilled food and i would all the toys in the water the slide i'm desperate to try that slide i know that the deck crew always hate having to put it out but yeah so i would be in the water the whole time and then want to come out and eat grilled food okay grilled fish grilled lobster like i'm not a lobster so grilled fish grilled burgers grilled steak like yes everything on the grill.

13:50Please do follow How to Fail to get new episodes as they land on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. Please tell all your friends. This is an Elizabeth Day and Sony Music Entertainment original podcast. Thank you so much for listening.

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