'I dont want my doctor's j*zz in my coffee'

19:51No you need to ask Niamh if we can get a couple of them to do a Luanna. You can ask Niamh, she's probably listening babe. Niamh! Please can you come to my house and do a Luanna Colab's lioness Luanna lionesses and we can have like, we'll do a five aside, four of you and Anna and four of you and me. Well, I'll take Imo and me. No, actually four of the lionesses and me and three lionesses and Anna and Imo so then I'll win. Brilliant. And we can do a five aside. I'll make you all lunch. Like, we'll have a lovely day. I'm in for that. If you would all come over, we'd love that. We would. I can just put some nets on the polo pitch and we can just do it there.

20:36Anna Williamson:we don't have to make it you know too bougie I'm just sorry I'm looking up Leah just to see if Leah follows me and I follow her she doesn't follow me but I'm going to message her in a moment wait let me see if she follows me message her in a moment does she follow you or me so yeah no one follows me no I would do her a voice note but I think that's a bit too forward yeah guys calm it down Leah Williams oh she follows me is she actually no anyway we had such a great time well done she's really pretty let me tell you Oh, she's doing the Calvin Klein advert. Can we also just say what an amazing beacon of positivity our lionesses are.

21:14Anna Williamson:I mean, that's what we're talking about for role models of our young ladies. Have you seen their bodies? That's where we're going with this. Look at their, I mean, I'm not sexualising them or whatever it is, but they have got the best abs. This is where I am like, you go girls. This is what we need to be seeing more of. Our young girls looking up to women like this. hard work, teamwork, tenacity. Bloody brilliant, quite honestly. Right. And when she's farted. Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer.

21:59They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast! An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana.

22:10Anna Williamson:Pick up fees, may I apply. Right, on that note, let's muff hunt into a bit of Imo with Did You Know? With Imo! Did you know? This is from Suzanne. Thank you, Suzanne. She says, did you know that snakes have two penises? Yes, I did. Oh, I hate snakes. I did know this. I don't want the snake. There are two penises called hemipenes. I've also got a disgusting photo. Oh, no. If you want to see it. I did know this about penis snakes. Snake penis. I'm like, oh, no. The old scripo. There you go. Scripo. Oh, it's in the scripo. Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh, social media manager Bex. Is that their willies or it's bulls?

22:56Anna Williamson:You need to get this on socials. No, they're the willies. Oh. I've never seen one like that before. Quite honestly, I mean, I say repulsive. How does it choose what willy to use? It looks like that one on the left gets more use, doesn't it? Yeah, the other one's a bit scabby. Yeah. A bit smeggy. A bit smegma. There's snake smegma on that, isn't there? Did you smell? No, that was my foot. I was toe curling. Did you also know that female lizards and snakes have two clitorises? Go on, girls. Lucky. There we are. Yeah. Double the orgasm. Good did you know? Right, thank you very much, Imogen. Right, let's muff hunt, muff dive, whatever we're supposed to say now, into messages.

23:38Go on, Lou. Glittering, hi. Right. We've got a message from Jess. She says, girls, I think you're absolutely brilliant. Thank you. And I thought it was only right that I send you my awful sex story. As a person, I am pretty vanilla. So I always whip this story out at parties after a few drinks so people can tell that I have somewhat of a personality. It's the only interesting story in my arsenal. so forgive me. It's okay. Okay, 10 years ago I was 21 and I was going through a stage of ooh, am I back curious? I knew I loved the dick there's no denying my love for the schlong but something about a butch gay that you could spot 100 yards away and instantly know was a lesbian was doing it for me.

24:20At this time I was also part of a mental health group which met up once a week. One evening a woman from the group messaged me and said she was going through a tough time and asked if I wanted to pop over. A problem shared is a problem halved. So I did my due diligence and went over. After a drink or two, she asked me, do I have any secrets? As a self-confessed open book, I thought, well, no, not really. But continued to tell her that I was questioning whether I may be bi-curious. Seconds later, she kissed me. I wasn't into her whatsoever, but was also curious as to what the experience might be like.

24:54And next thing I know, we were in the bedroom doing stuff. Doing stuff. Do you remember? I had no idea what I was doing. and in the great words of Andrew from Love Island, I just grabbed a tit or whatever. She went down on me and let's just say it was very...

25:11Anna Williamson:Toothy. Toothy. Like jaws. Horse teeth. My moans were less, ah, ah, and more, ow, ow. We then switched it up and I tried my best to go down on her. I had no idea what I was doing. But when I fall to clit with a vagina, I just knew I had to give it my best shot. Look at Imo smugly listening on. I should have known better because two seconds later she started laughing. Clearly there is a way of licking the clam and I was doing it wrong. Oh. Oh. Oh. No one's ever made me laugh when they've gone down on me. During this...

25:52During this lacklustre set, I could feel my eyes going really dry. and Lord have mercy, the dryness caused my lenses to fall out. It's not very sexy, this is it? So that was four things. Dry, there's Gandhi's flip-flops in the room, my vag hairs and now my eyeballs. Anyway, knowing I'm blind as a bat, I put my head up and said, oh, it's getting late, I'd better go home. She lived at the top of a block of flats. So with my makeup smudged down my face, hair like a bird's nest and my age-tism... Astigmatism. Astigmatism in full force, I made a hazy way down seven flights of stairs. I walked home at 11, being guided by the glimmer of the street lamps.

26:31But after a 10-minute effort, I phoned my dad and said, Dad, I'm so sorry, I don't suppose you come and pick me up? Like the legend he is, he did come and pick me up. As I stood there, like a woman of the night, by a lamppost. When I got in the car, everything hit me. And the overwhelming impact of the night, as well as my short-sightedness, was too much to bear. My dad said, did you have a good night then? I said, Dad, I've lost my contact lenses. I feel sick and I've just slept with a woman and it was terrible. The night has never been spoken of since. I hope it made you laugh. It's been 10 years, but the memory remains strong.

27:05All my love. Love, Jess. Jess, I'm dying to know, did you get with a girl ever again?

27:10Anna Williamson:I would say no. Or was that it? I mean, Immo, is there a technique? Yeah, tell us. Well, I mean, it's not rocket science, is it? No, I don't think it is. I mean, I'd rather think what was going on down there. Yeah, what was she doing? What was? I mean, it sounds like... One was toothy and one was hairy. It was dry. Dry as Gandhi's flip-flop. I'd say it all looks a bit of a mess down there at the moment. But we love the story, Jess. Jess, well done. Just carry on being vanilla with the show. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I think you're better suited to that, babe. Yeah, better suited to the dick. Message from Anonymous, so lil.

27:44Anna Williamson:Hi, girls, love the pod and all that jazz. I love listening to you three every week. Don't forget, babes, you can go back and listen to all the previous episodes. Thank you. I need your advice on something quite difficult. Oh, okay. And I didn't know anyone else to turn to. Well, you have come to the right place, my love. I recently suffered a miscarriage, and it was very hard on me, as I had no support. I didn't even know I was pregnant. Oh. We're sorry to hear that. I'm not in a relationship, so when I did the maths and figured out who the father was, I figured out it was a one-night stand with a guy I work with.

28:14Anna Williamson:We see each other every day, but since that night, we don't really talk unless about work, as it has been quite awkward. no one at work knows it happened or knows about the miscarriage after speaking to my friends they believe i should tell him about the miscarriage but i'm just not sure i'd love any advice you girls could give me please keep me anonymous and give me a granny name well i think it's very private yeah if you don't speak about that night and if you only speak about work now i think you're you're opening yourself up to be even more vulnerable than you already are by telling him about the miscarriage and not getting the reaction that you perhaps want well i think i think that's my question is what what is the benefit of telling him like she had no support and she was alone but but she's come to us to i'm assuming getting that support or is she saying she wants external support because she says it sounds she talks to her friends well no she's saying that their friends should tell him about the miscarriage so should she tell him about the miscarriage i think you need to ask yourself what why would that what game will you get from that what do you want do you feel you owe him to tell him yeah what do you want from him if anything do you want closure do you want to well it was a one night stand and that was the result of a one night stand and i don't think you're gonna get anything i have i had a client actually not that long ago who um had been in a similar situation and the the person that she'd had the one night stand with did know about about the miscarriage and and they were upset about it but she felt um i think because she was grieving this sort of complex feelings around this miscarriage of a baby that actually she probably knew she didn't really want but she felt she said to me that the only other person that understood that possible emotion she was experiencing would be him and she wanted to she just said there's nobody else that could possibly understand maybe what I'm feeling as him and I wonder if that's the motivation for wanting that from him but I think to your point Louise what if he doesn't give you the reaction that you perhaps need and where else could you find that validation I think it sounds like you're grieving the complexities around a miscarriage which many people do feel it's a very complex emotion for everybody some people don't think about it some people do yeah um I don't know what you have to gain I think yeah and I don't think you're gonna get what you want to get because he's not really talking to you anyway yeah it's a very personal choice um I wouldn't tell yeah ask yourself what if you were coaching what do you want from what is motivating you want so if it's just your friends telling you that you should tell him well that isn't you yeah that isn't you making that decision um I don't think we have an answer okay yeah it's a sad thing to happen though and I think it's just a process of what happened to you and time being healer yeah instance yeah uh we've got another message now from anonymous so front scene.

31:06She says, hello, firstly, big Luanna fan. Thanks, babe. I love listening to the show. Not sure if this one will make it, but here is my most embarrassing moment. Sorry, this story is both mortifying and funny for me at the same time. One weekend, I had my family over for lunch. This included my husband, my son, my dad, his partner, my brother and his fiance. My brother, who is a man child, was running around and playing with my six-year-old son. As I was preparing lunch, all of a sudden, the running and laugh has stopped and I hear my brother scream from my son's bedroom followed by him shouting my name loudly three times in a row.

31:41Everyone went quiet and looked at me curiously. I walked down the hallway to discover my brother furiously wiping his hands on his jacket and then looked at my son who was crying. Through his tears he yelled, why don't you like it Uncle Jim? It's so pretty and sparkly. I looked at my brother confused and he pointed to the bed. Before my eyes there it was, my shiny jawed butt plug staring at me. As I lunged for said butt plug, my son, who was still crying, said, I gave your jewellery to Uncle Jim and he smacked it out of my hands, mummy. How rude, Uncle Jim. I stood there stunned, muted, mouth wide open, unable to speak.

32:21When I didn't think this moment could get any worse, I turned around and there were all the family, all watching and listening intently, wanting to shrink into my shoe of embarrassment. I had to walk past everyone. My dad, clutching the butt plug, return it to my bedroom. To top off the day, my brother decided to share this image with the family saying, got to collect them all. He's got loads of butt plugs in his life. They are very shiny and pretty. They're nice, those butt plugs. Very shiny and pretty.

32:51Anna Williamson:That's the kind of thing my brother would do, actually, both of them. Oh, how funny. Yeah, brilliant, brilliant. Oh, remember, if you want to get in touch, You can email us, Luanna at everythingluanna.com. You can also drop us a WhatsApp on 07745 266 947. Introducing a Beko state of mind. Dad, I'm really hungry. Dinner's in the oven, sweetie. Dad, I need my PE kit. Washed, dried and ready to go. Busy homes put everything to the test. That's why at Beko, we stress test all our appliances to the extreme so you can be stress-free. That's a Beko state of mind. Right, news of it. Oh, my gosh. Branko, here we go.

33:43I'm sure that we've done a story like this before. I think it's similar. This is like another one.

33:49Anna Williamson:You're thinking about the souffle and the chef. Yeah. So here's the headline, Lufanians. Hence, the doctor who has put semen in his patient's coffee is struck off after a woman complained of something tasting salty. So a very lechy doctor who spiked a woman's coffee with his own semen has been permanently barred from practising medicine. It says his sick GP, Nicholas Chapman, 57, was told by a tribunal that he will never work in the profession again due to the danger he poses to the public. I mean, you can't be a sicko to do that, wouldn't you? Previously, he received a community order for a sexual offence after a court heard how he filled hundreds of specimen pots and was accused of slipping them into his victim's hot beverages.

34:27Anna Williamson:So grim. Why? The victim first became suspicious after taking... Oh, I don't know, it's made you feel ill. Tasting a salty coffee... And noticing something... Thick and gloopy.

34:43She noticed a thick, gloopy substance when she poured others away. Her suspicions were confirmed a year later when she stumbled upon a stash of specimen pots belonging to Chapman. She then took a sample of the next coffee he made for her to the police, which tested positive for Chapman's semen.

35:02Anna Williamson:He's from Somerset. He is. And he was previously... Dirty little beggar. He was previously sentenced at Gloucester Crown Court in 2023 after being found guilty of one count of engaging in sexual activity without consent for making a victim ingest his semen. Anyway, he was struck off the medical register with immediate effect for the sake of public safety. I mean, I don't want me doctor's jizz in me coffee. I'm not going to lie. Nobody does. He attempted to argue that he collected his samples at work due to a secret condition that caused him to discharge semen every time he defecated, suggesting that someone else must have added it to the coffee as a prank.

35:40Anna Williamson:Right, sure. In the testimony, the victim Oh no, there's a picture, I can't deal with this Notice something was off with her coffee When she observed a Thick gloopy substance in her drink

35:56There's a picture She continued I did not know what it was, I did not suspect It could have been semen at that point He was then bringing me more drinks Probably one to three cups of coffee A week, since that occasion and I tipped them away in the sink, seeing the sort of substance in the sink. It was a different size and quantities each time. Six times I've seen it. This is... Oh, my God.

36:18Anna Williamson:I noticed in his trouser pocket what looked like one of those little specimen bottles. The victim revealed that she suspected that the drink had been tampered with. Yeah, because she saw all these, you know, gloopy bits and pieces. Oh, it's disgusting. I felt very jumpy and worried he would catch me out with his cup. This is when she started to do a little bit of detective work herself. she was then collecting her own specimens and then she dropped it to the police imagine being a police officer, hello madam what can I help you with today? She says I remember the first time I saw stuff in the sink and he said did you notice something in your drink?

36:50I noticed something in mine he said maybe that was the first time he did it and he wanted to know if I'd noticed it tasted salty oh during giving evidence he did confess he would masturbate at work but it was not for pleasure and it was because of this shitting thing oh he's disgusting it's a wrong 'un total wrong 'un he is grim he's collected 140 samples a year I just always think Lou

37:19Anna Williamson:what goes on in people's minds to make them think that you know what today this is what I'm going to do I'm going to pop me jizz in someone's cup of tea I mean why does that even enter someone's brain I know. Why? I might start collecting my squirt juice and spiking your coffee. Thanks. I can only look forward to that. Right, second story. Chinese youth fight stress with adult pacifiers. What? Are they sucking dummies? Yes. Well, actually, I think this makes sense. This story says it's a bizarre stress relief trend sweeping through China, but thousands of grown-ups are relying on adult pacifiers, we call them dummies, don't we, to mitigate symptoms like anxiety and insomnia.

38:02Oh, I get angry. Maybe not have a dummy. Clearly, this is now a full-blown craze in China because that is just what China provides us with constantly. They're between$1.40 and$70 for a dummy. They're sold as stress and anxiety relief products or sleep aids. I'm going to buy one. I'm going to buy one on Amazon now. So Chinese e-commerce platforms are full of orders for adult dummies and the most successful stores sell thousands of them every month. Let's go on Amazon, the mecca of all stuff. I mean, that is very weird. Adult dummy. But a doctor is warning that the oral structure of adults is completely different from that of babies.

38:43And the prolonged use can cause like TMJ, which is what I got after having my wisdom teeth out, which is like pain in your jaw, basically, and limited mouth opening.

38:57Anna Williamson:I've just found something for you and me. I'm going to buy us one each because on Amazon, the two categories that come up under adult dummy are adult dummy pacifier for autism. That's you. And adult pacifier for anxiety. That's me. So I'm going to buy one for each of us. And we can have. How much are they? $5.99. Adult pacifier, custom big size, food grade silicon adult pacifier. Shall I get us that one? No, it's a waste of money. We're not going to use them. Save your 11 pounds. You say you might not. Next time I have a panic attack, put my dummy in. Right, please get one just for you. I don't want more shit in my house.

39:34Anna Williamson:Can I just be honest? I mean, it's fucking weird, isn't it? A grown adult walking around with a dummy in their gob. It's not normal. Just have some therapy, folks. From one weird thing to another. It's now time for... It's the Widow of the Week! None of us say, Glenda, apparently I'm that person, she says. The one who will wait patiently, sometimes awkwardly, just to use the first cubicle in a public toilet. I once read, probably on the internet... I've read this. Then it has the least germs. Yes. I do this too. Never go for the middle one. Ever. No. You've got to go to the first. That's what I did at Latitude.

40:08Always went to the first. Exactly. And they were always really clean.

40:11Anna Williamson:Never go where your brain automatically takes you. Critical thinking, think the opposite. So I've even made eye contact with strangers while bypassing their perfectly good cubicle offers. I'll hold my bladder with dignity until the first cubicle becomes available. Am I clean or a weirdo? I'll let you ladies decide. You're not weird. You are great. I do it too. You are actually superior. We've got another one in from Fonda Dicks.

40:37You're welcome.

40:38Anna Williamson:You're good. Did you do that? I did, yeah. Did you? Emmerchin Rose Hart, give that lady a pay rise. Fonda Dicks. There she is. Hi, Luanna and Emma, you absolute filth bag. I'm writing in with what I know is textbook widow of the week behaviour, but I genuinely need to know if anyone else out there is like me or if I'm destined to be banned from all motorway service stations in the UK. Go on. So here it is. There are lots of wankers around, literally. I can relate. So here it is. I've developed a completely unhinged obsession with masturbating while driving. Oh, who does this? I haven't done it for a while, guys.

41:16Yeah, yeah. I have been known to. I need to give you that login. It started innocently enough. one random day I was stuck in traffic feeling a bit flustered when a random sexy thought popped into my head one thing led to another well let's just say I took a detour off the M25 and gave myself a manual transmission experience at first I thought it was a one off bit rogue, bit risky but fabulous but now it's like Pavlov's dog the second I get behind the wheel my brain goes straight into filth mode doesn't matter if I'm popping to Tesco or doing a three hour A road haul and basically a one-woman porn parody of Top Gear.

41:52I've even got favourite spots, quiet country lay-bys, long tunnels. And don't get me started on red lights. Honestly, I live for them now. So am I the Widow of the Week or am I just a woman living her best auto-erotic life? Sending love lube in absolutely no dash cam footage. Give me a porn star name, hence Fonda Dicks.

42:13Anna Williamson:I say you do you, honey. I would have called her Fonda Friggs. Fonda Friggs Fonda you Well I Yeah Shall we actually Shall we go to Pornstar names now Instead of granny names I'm feeling granny names It's been what Seven years A lot of granny names I'd say you can I think we're gonna go Pornstar names now Even if it's just A short term craze We'll see how long It catches on No I'm changing it And then we'll go there Okay she's changing it It's now Pornstar names Or names that are like You know like funny over the tannoy enzo came up with one the other day i can't remember what it was now i think it was i think it's heard no i think it was hugh jars oh very good jars that's quite good there's a trend on um tiktok at the moment that's like aren't you excited to be taking his name and it's like then it puts like the name of the couple yeah i saw one and she's called like millie brown and he was called like edward willie so she's going to be Millie Willie.

43:17I've got a friend, Jill Hill. Oh no. Jill Hill.

43:23Anna Williamson:Jill Hill. Millie Willie. Millie Willie. I know I've got... Oh, there was another one. I love that. Yeah, we definitely need to mix this up. Some of those. In fact, Lufanians, call out to you. Are you about to get married and do you have to basically now be teamed up with a name that's going to make yours sound utterly ridiculous? Okay, so her name is Izzy and his name is James Inyet. is he in yet stop it is he in yet is he in yet I mean that's actual genius that's actual genius so good isn't it okay Lufanians over to you come on give us some of your funny names that either exist or are about to come up but this is the risk you see I like it when you see like the Facebook names yeah farted farted right we love those weirdos of the week very good and yeah it's now porn star names Yeah, let's see how we get on when the porn star is.

44:16Anna Williamson:It's also that time of the week before we wrap things up to see if Lulu's feeling ranty about anything. Are you this week, Lulu? Do you know what? I've got a good rant. It was very popular and relatable, my Beltwanker rant. Holiday season, mate. This is it. We can all relate to that. So we're in full swing of holiday and I'm going to introduce you to another fucking annoying thing that holidaymakers do. Right, you're on the aeroplane. I've always paid for a front seat yes I'm talking I am in row 2 3 4 or 5 17.99 you can have that best money I've spent I always want to be the first off I get anxious and I'm back at the plane I've spent my fucking money respect the numbers okay you motherfuckers because why as soon as that plane fucking lands these c***s they're all standing up they're argy bargying up they're out no no you're not back up number 12 back up number 10 sit back down number fucking 8 because I'm number 4 and I'm coming through you dickheads okay don't be getting your suitcase out and you know what they do they get out of their seat overhead locker get it out and they put it in the aisle so it blocks you so you can't get out so if you want to be off the plane first you fucking pay for it mate that's why I've spent 17.99 on that seat.

45:43It's not so that I can have every argy-bargy wanker from row 22 coming back, like marching up like they're the fucking cavalry. No, there is law

45:53Anna Williamson:and there is order. Which isn't actually on a plane, but we should have it. Can I also add to that, Lou? Yes. Because for the same reason, it's also where the queue to the lavvy at the front starts to snake back. They're having a little chat with their little mates at the front. No, no, I did not pay$17.99 to have eight people standing in the way. With your butt in my face. Or even worse, you get on, you've paid your£17.99 to sit in that seat, you take off, oh, winning, there's a spare seat next to you. And then they move some fucker. I'm like, did you pay£17.99 for that seat? Because if not, I want a refund.

46:29So bad. But it's so annoying, as soon as the plane lands, everybody's up, can you get off? No, you can't. Do you know what I do now? I put my rucksack on, my Amazon rucksack that fits a lot in it and then I'm taking people out left, right and centre with my rucksack. And I like make it obvious. I'm like, excuse me, coming out. Fucks me off. Why do people do that? And also, just because you stand up doesn't mean you're going to get off the plane any quicker. But you know why they do it? They do it so they can barge in front of my like front rows. Yeah. Stay in your seat. Stay in your seat. Sit down, Steve.

47:07Yeah. Wait till you're cooled up. Fucking Wendy. Back the fuck up. Back up. And they're the people who then stand at the front of the carousel too. These will now be known as holiday c***. It's a strong one. We can relate. The end.

47:23Anna Williamson:Thank you, Lou. Enjoy your flights back from holiday, wherever you may be listening to this. Guys, that is it. Do we back a course on Monday? We'll be here every Monday. The end is in sight of the holes, guys. School is nearly back. But you don't have to wait until then. fuck off you rugrats I'm sick of entertaining you now I spent a lot of money on my children to do not a lot to not do a lot but you don't have to wait until then guys on Thursday of course we've got Luana Totally Extra it's your episode we need you Lufanians the episode doesn't work quite frankly if you're not there it doesn't so send in your emails to us at Luana at everythingluana.com you can hop out onto WhatsApp you can send us a voice note or a message our number is 07745266947 Please follow us top right press follow right now make someone listen tell them about us spread the Luana gospel give us a 5 star rating and a review and we will be back on Thursday with Luana Totally Extra we'll see you there Laters

48:25Evening buyer's remorse buy a new car I'll be moving in let's get started Sorry I think there's been a mistake I bought it from Carvana You what? Yeah great price I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. This is a Global Player original podcast.