" I was trying to remember who I lost my virginity to..."

0:01Anna Williamson:Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luanna, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content.

0:42Anna Williamson:But you know you love it. Hello. Good morning. Good morning. Right, can I just say, hi, it's Luanna. We're straight in this morning. Oh, it's November. Oh, it's Bonfire Night coming up. Do you know what happened on Bonfire Night? I thought my period. Oh, hello. Penny was born. Really? Yes. I birthed 7-19. On the 5th? Yeah. She's born on the 5th of November. I thought she was the 3rd. No, I was in hospital on the 3rd. I didn't. No, she was actually. Yeah, with the longest ever later. Yeah, she's the 5th of November. And also happy birthday as well to my brother's girlfriend, Claire. She's also 5th of November, baby.

1:20Anna Williamson:I didn't care. But this isn't the 5th of November. Today is the 3rd. It is the 3rd, yeah. But Bonfire Night is coming. Can I also just... And she's scared of fireworks. oh bless it Emma you started your period on Bonfire Night I did yeah I'm also moisturising Emma's just doing her makeup now got a dry face yeah I started my period on Bonfire Night wow I don't remember can I just like I only remember that because it was Bonfire Night by the way how old were you 13 I was 14 I started the week I was in Brighton week before I remember when I started my period I always remember the toilet in my parents house it was a week before my 14th birthday and I remember seeing the joy I'm being so excited because everybody else has started yeah because you know what it's like like everybody else has started their periods and I was feeling all like childish and this is like unlike anyone else's thing go on I was trying to remember who I lost my virginity to oh my god every hole's a goal because I actually can't remember don't you remember your first time not really no I can't remember if it if it was like with three God this is hilarious because I sort of like Talk us through this Lou Well I don't remember if it was like when I was on holiday with my mates and I know that my friend what I can't remember is if my friend did it and lost the opportunity that night or if it was me I can't remember and then I was like oh no maybe it was my brother's best friend but I can't remember if I fully did it with him or just tried to do it with him.

2:58Do you know what, Feck? And then I definitely had like a proper boyfriend at 15 who I, but I'm sure I'd done it before then. And I actually was thinking, well, I can't remember who the fuck it was and everybody else seems to remember that first time and I don't.

3:14Anna Williamson:Well, in fairness, so I do remember I had a boyfriend who I'd lost my virginity to but I also was a bit confused that I thought the first time I lost my virginity to him. I didn't because I think we just sort of tried, well I don't think it really even did that I think it was like we kind of gyrated a little bit and it was in a tent in my parents' orchard and I think I sort of thought I had and then I remember all my mates being like Sophie, you know have you done it? And then at the time you were like yeah, yeah I've done it and then I did do it a few weeks later then I really really did it because it was really painful.

3:54Anna Williamson:And I was like, oh, no, that really is doing it. Anyway, yeah, so random chat. Also, we didn't talk about this the other week because we were just talking. I had a psychic dinner party. Oh, my gosh. And we didn't recap on the pod last week. This was such an epic night. It was such an epic night. And like, as always with Lou, there's always an eclectic mix of her friends who are all lovely like I've never met one of your friends who I haven't liked they are all really nice people no but the best thing was me doing the table plan so she's so yeah some of Lou's friends are a bit like Lou but think Lou and even more right no for instance my horse trainer this is one of the reasons why I actually didn't invite Emma and you've gone really posh now because this is how she sounds so my horse trainer Nikki is lovely but she in her late 50s, very silver spoon.

4:53No, literally was raised with a silver spoon in her mouth. She's straight from Downton Abbey and from the 1920s in probably all of her views. All of her views and opinions. So she can say that the odd thing, which I clearly find hilarious, but Imo wouldn't, for instance. I don't think she said anything, actually, that would have gone... When I was doing the table plan, now I love Nikki. I mean she's just oh she's just a little diamond I love her to bits and her and my mum really get on as well and anyway but I said to Anna I'm doing the table plan and one of my friends couldn't come last minute so I thought I'll invite my friend Amanda and I thought well I'll invite David from the pub because he's quite into it he is a boy and it was meant to be a girls night and I said Tim you've got to be one of the girls but I'll invite you if you want because he loves psychics and we love Dave and I said to Anna well I can't really sit him too near Nikki no that might go wrong because she might say something offensive

5:55Anna Williamson:she was doing table plan politics and then she's like which is always a sensible thing place me far away from Lou because we see each other all the time lots of her friends doesn't see that I'd actually seen you that morning we spent all day together so I said no use me as kind of like your number two to like hold court with a section of people that need entertaining It is a little bit like that. It was actually, because when I turned up, Lou was still getting dressed. So I stepped in to help Karen to host. So I was getting drinks and stuff for people. It was actually really good. I like having friends like that.

6:29Anna Williamson:Because otherwise it's stressful. I was like, I'll do the orders. Karen and Lisa, you can help me bring the drinks in. I wanted to put a nice impression. There was only ten of us. Well, yeah. But lots of different drinks orders. And we don't just slap it in a glass, Lou. It's all done properly, like a proper cocktail. but yeah the table plan politics and then you had obviously Carrie Kaz Jazz was here Dr Leah Lucy Cave your friend Laura so lots of friends that sometimes you don't see that often so they all kind of sat near you I then took the more spicy ones to like make sure that they were okay over there as well and I think it worked out quite well it was brilliant so the psychic came now we I had a psychic dinner party back in 2018 in October 2018 we had just started Luanna in September of 2018.

7:15And we had the same lady. And we all thought like, oh, she was amazing back then, wasn't she? Like she basically told us that we were going to do Luana. We're going to go into business with a friend and it's going to be really successful. We're going to perform and make people laugh. And I was a bit like, well, what? Like, because we'd literally done like four episodes and not been paid. We didn't know where it was going. And actually not just that, but a lot of her other predictions for friends had come true. So we booked her again. and well, she... Who went in first? It was... Lucy went in first because she said she got so pissed last time she didn't remember what she said.

7:52Anna Williamson:Lucy Cave of Bauer Media CEO and of Lorraine off the telly gets so pissed. She doesn't remember. She always gets so pissed. Yeah, so we have to send her in first. She came out like, oh my God. Well, it was unbelievable. Well, so was mine. Because she'd said to her, like your daughter's name begins with P, Piper's her daughter she said she's really into performing arts but she said just like all this stuff that was bang on the mark so that was like a massive tip massive tip then Gail went in now Gail my crazy creative friend Gail she makes hats she does taught me to crochet she makes all her own outfits now sadly when Gail was a lot younger she lost both of her parents and her brother So she basically, for the majority of her life, since her late 20s, has been an orphan.

8:42Wow. The whole fucking family came through. Did it? She came out with her palm.

8:47Anna Williamson:Yeah, because then you had to go in. I legged it in because then Gail came out crying. Gail came out crying because she's always been a bit wary of things like that because of her family history. Which is fair. And she had all this writing on her hand. Who's this letter? Who's that? And it was all the initials of her family. she got everything right and Gail was like I can't believe it she was just so accurate it's been so nice to hear from my mum and I was like oh god I actually wanted to go in next but couldn't because I was comforting Gail can I just say I felt so bad for you because Lou and I well I was like right shotgun I'm going after Gail and then Lou was like I want to go and then I went oh actually it's your party you should technically go in next I was like yeah so you go in Lou then Lou starts comforting Gail then you wave me in and I went just get in just get in so because we were on the clock yeah it was 20 minutes each 20 minutes each because there was 10 of us today well i went in and um well all i'm gonna say is everything so far that the psychic has said is pretty much come true well well some of it i'll just have to be careful i don't want to like out people yeah but but basically i went in started off and the same thing she basically now of course if you're a cynic she might know who i am you know but whatever regardless of all of that i don't talk about my children um and there really is no way you could find out anything she said about my family and my children there really is no way there's stuff you wouldn't even know just just the intricacies of my kids how she described them straight away she was like right married to alex like like she just knew loads of stuff like that she described my children just so amazingly and some of the quirks around my kids like just the way she she described it was like wow damn then she was going two keys two keys what's these two sets of keys well obviously guys I mean in two houses at the moment in the Renault then she started going on I'll just be a bit careful how I describe this but basically she kept going on about a name beginning with a certain letter and about being untrustworthy and that you need to watch them and I was like oh a bit strange okay fine fine fine um so that was one of those things and then um loads of other bits and pieces she said well then I came out of it thinking oh I don't know it slightly rattled me actually because I was one of the things I kept thinking because I know we then try and find some truth I'm thinking well if she's talking about someone in my life that I actually really trust like if that's that person like that's enough that's true that's that is a bit rattly well anyway it only went and fast forwarded to two days later and then basically I had a situation with with something in my in my life outside of work where basically somebody with that letter was untrustworthy basically proved themselves to be really untrustworthy and I was like fuck so I'm messaging the sidekick group or on a whatsapp to go you fucking came true like that then i know and then sitting there with her mouth wide open and then but then something else happened last night again where i just went oh my god like so i didn't tell alex about it um well i told him a few bits and pieces but last so we were sitting on the sofa and like we were just talking about just random shit you know and um then a friend messaged me saying uh essentially just needing a bit of a quote unquote I need a bit of an Anna chat.

11:49Anna Williamson:You know, there's something going on in their life. I need a bit of an Anna chat. And he said, oh, I just said, oh, so-and-so just needs a bit of a chat. I hope they're okay because they know them as well. And then he went, oh, he went, typical Anna. He was like, you're always there for everybody else. Are you never there for me? Well, that was literally word for word. What, the psychic has said? Word for word. When she was talking about her marriage, she was like, oh, he'll come out with this quip, you know. And I was like, oh. And he was saying it kind of like a bit jokeyly to me, but obviously many are true words.

12:17Anna Williamson:Yeah, only because I had shut him down earlier in the day because he was going on and on about something. I was like, enough now, shush now. So he was like, so it was in response to, oh, there you go, you're there for your friend. Checking out my therapist's wife is bullshit now, Alex. Get on with it. Enough now, babe, just get on with it. And I actually did. I went, oh, babe, just got to suck it up, move on. And then he went, oh, that's it. You're there for your friends. You're never here for me. And it was worth it. And I stopped and I looked at him and he went, I went, you know, that's psychic.

12:38Anna Williamson:And I went, she bloody said that. And he went, what? He went, what else? You don't want to know what she said, mate. Then I went in and everything that she said was absolutely spot on. Like, everything. And then in some ways, the cynic in me kicked in and I thought, well, she could... Know it. Because she said you and me were going to have more TV show together. Yeah, she said that we're going to have TV project. But again, that's quite an obvious thing to predict. She said to me as well, she did keep banging on about me being separated or divorced. well she did mention that to me but then I thought well I think Andrew and I for the past year have had different situations we're very much together and in love but have physically been just in case Daily Mail right now I'm getting divorced have been physically quite separate in different countries and I think as well there's an element of that one in two get divorced so it's a good hedging of bets on someone's relationship and then she said like about Indy which she wouldn't know she said she is going to go to America and you need to harbour her talent for playwriting and directing and every year Indie writes a play does a script casts her friends and performs it she does how would she know that and then she said about horse riding but I thought well you would know that about me horse riding and she said about Clemmie being really like amazing horse rider well here's my theory Dixie being very independent yes Dixie being independent and she did say a lot of true things and actually and this is it As the weeks are going on, it's only been four days, but as it's going on, it's starting to kind of make me go, oh, hang on a minute.

14:14Anna Williamson:But I think we've come to a theory that she probably got a little tired. Because the first four of us were all like, bingo, weren't we? After that. After me, my mum went. Oh, yeah, your mum came out crying. Yeah, she was crying. Spot on. Some shit about. Yeah, like my mum was like, she was amazing. She just knew everything. So by this point, though, we're then all quite pissed and eaten. shout out the amazing food the farmhouse Essex who are brilliant the Italian nosh was in cred we had an Italian feast but that pasta oh oh it was I liked the the anti-pasti oh yeah we could have just lived on that in the pasta so good so anyway so by this point though we're then all quite pissed and we're eating and then it's like it's very exciting doing a pasta like that because someone goes out then they come in and you're like oh what did she say and we were we got to rhythm and everyone does that deep breath so we were like right we got to rhythm of like oh everyone so and so is back in right talk about it spotlight so then yeah so she'd done five and then who was next well was it Carrie can we talk about Carrie Carrie reminded me yeah then Carrie went in so she'd already said as well so we were like be interesting to know if the psychic picks up on who she is because Carrie had said that when she like years and years ago when she was a kid or something some family member that's a psychic said when she was a kid you're going to marry the Prime Minister stop it I didn't know that you were comforting Gail at this point she said she was like stop she said I'm really interested in what she said because when I was eight years old sorry for listening to this Carrie about eight years old a family psychic or someone had said when she grows up she will marry the prime minister isn't that crazy and obviously she did so yes so then she went in she was a bit of a cynic wasn't she so was your friend Nikki Carrie was scared because basically she said she's going to have more children and she's already had four and she's like no matter I'm done so Carrie was like I hope she's not right And then Nikki went in.

16:08And actually, a lot of what she said to Nikki was true. I know, Nikki didn't believe it. But Nikki was a bit like, no, no, no, it's all bollocks. No. And then David, bless him. Now, little David, he's so cute and he's probably the most into it, was a real gen and he waited till last. I know. And we feel like she probably had peaked at that point. We think David got shortchained. He was a bit rattled when he came out. Well, because she kept saying about his ex. Which is not a good thing. Which is not a good thing. So he was a bit rattled. So we felt bad for him. And Laura, I can't remember. I was so pissed at that point.

16:44I was so pissed. Leah? I can't remember what Dr. Leah was. I was so pissed at Dr. Leah. We were arsehole at this point. The last five, God bless them, who weren't in bed. We were all fucked by them.

16:52Anna Williamson:Lou had, because she had posh mates round, she'd got a magnum of Bolly. Well, obviously, like a fly on shit, I was straight into that. I thought, no Vimto for me today. I'm going in with the Bolly kids. so I was absolutely trollied quite honestly yeah we had a lot of drinks it was a brilliant night thank you for a great night it's such a fun dinner party to do with a small group if I reckon if it was six people yes but then I had ten oh but it was fun and it was such a nice group so there you go I'm going wedding dress shopping with Laura tomorrow yeah she said that was it you're a nice friend also just quick I don't know where I've talked for a bit too long so we'll crack on tomorrow I'm having my neck cancer checked again oh good what are you having a scan?

17:34Yeah ultrasound and another biopsy and I did read you know I don't pay a lot of attention to things so the first time I had it checked they said 15 to 20 % it could become malignant and when was that? That was in February then I went back in May now I'd never read the letter after May well he just said to me well just keep monitoring well it had gone up 20 to 25 % I only read it the other week As a prediction or actual results? Well, no, the way it looks now that it's grown and stuff, it could now go, now it's 20 to 25. You need to get that shit out. Well, then I asked the psychic about my health.

18:15She thought I was fine. Oh, well, okay, well, that's good. I'll probably be fine. All props to her, the psychic. But what medical qualifications does she have? Zero. Well, she can see into the future. Right, okay. Anyway, so I'm going back tomorrow, so I'll let you know. I think I'm going to get a second opinion. I think you should do that. You can afford it. I know this sounds vanity. You don't want your lip cut, do you? I don't want, no, my throat cut because I'm going to be spending a lot of time in the sun over winter. So I'm basically going to be in Dubai.

18:46Anna Williamson:Well, it's not vanity. Well, it is vanity, but it's also a fair point. But equally, you'd rather still be here to have the sunshine in your nice house in Dubai than snuff it. True. So what I'm thinking about, what about a diamond choker? Yeah, do that. Last time you mentioned it, so many people messaged in with like, and like pictures of their necks and you can see, fuck all. There's nothing there. Lou, just do it. But I have a very thin neck and when you're a bit plumper, you can get away with it, you know, like the lines. Put a bit of timber on and then... I didn't hear it, sorry. You're saying I'm fat?

19:16No, I'm just saying about the lines. Okay, well, look at my neck lines.

19:23Anna Williamson:Problem is, you're trying to joke about having cancer whereas the rest of us are really quite concerned about you. Anyway, I'll know more. Okay, fine. I'm going to get a second opinion. Get a second opinion. Get that shit cut out, please. I can feel it there, though. Right, well, get it cut out. I can feel it. I don't care. No. But get it cut out. Whether it's here or in Dubai, don't care. Just get it removed. Well, but then my friend Nicole, who's worked a lot in oncology, says that a lot of the time you don't need it out, and it can just be monitored. So don't get it out if they're saying not to.

19:51But Andrew and you are telling me to get it out. What are you saying, Ims? I'll do what you say. I would take the doctor's counsel on it.

20:00Anna Williamson:That's what I've been doing. With several opinions, like a builder's quote. That's what I would do. Builder's quote. There you go. Anyway, there you go. Time for... Did you know we're in our... I feel like we've had the vibe killed a bit now. I don't want to think of you having throat cancer. Well, at the minute, I haven't. All things could change. Watch this space. Anyway. This is from Suzanne from Staffordshire She said, fun fact from my 11 year old Did you know that it's illegal to take photos of the Eiffel Tower at night? Really? That's bollocks No, it is illegal for like big publications to basically do it Oh Not for like your layman to put it on social media or whatever But like Vogue can't take a picture of it and put it on their cover?

20:55No, because like the twinkles or whatever are all copyrighted, basically. Really? Yeah. Copyrighted? The fucking French. That's such a French thing, Oh, she's on French this week, not Americans. Wow. Something like that. I mean. That's such a French thing to do. You can't use it for... Oh, you cannot take a picture of my Avery Tower. The twinkles are copyrighted. That sounded Welsh to me. That was very give me French stick. Is that better? take your belly off and your camera down.

21:27Anna Williamson:No. That sounded from Delhi, actually. It's illegal to publish or sell pictures for commercial purposes because nighttime lighting is protected by copyright. Well, look on Getty Images if you can get a nighttime Eiffel Tower. Well, yeah, but they've probably paid the copyright. No? Yeah, exactly. You'd have a license for that. Yeah, exactly. Well, I think it's a load of old nonsense, but I'm here for the fact. Thank you, Imogen. We, we, madam. Right, let's muff hunt into messages. First up, one from a non-so-chapel moan. Okay. Hi, Luana and Ivo. Right, girls, strap on in. I've got a belter for you.

22:04Anna Williamson:Yes. Let's get straight into it. Our kind of girl. So I met this guy on a dating app during COVID. Let's call him Keith. Oh, strong. Because it was lockdown and we'd all lost our marbles, I basically moved into his house after like three dates. Do you remember? People kept doing that. Yeah, literally within a minute. They'd have a shag and they're in. That's it, shag. Don't want to be without sex now. So boom, I'm moving in. You're my bubble. Yeah. He lived with a housemate who must have thought, here we go, another hinge hobo squatter. Now, you'd think this was going to be a sex fest central, wouldn't you?

22:33Anna Williamson:Well, exactly. New couple stuck indoors, plenty of free time. Nope. The sex dried up quicker than the Sahara. Every time I asked what was wrong, I got excuses straight out of crap boyfriend bingo. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not you. It's me. I just don't want to talk about it. Ick. Basically, I was putting in Olympic level effort and Keith was giving all the passion of a limp lettuce. Well, maybe it was too much for Keith too soon. I think this is it. It loses the allure and desire when you go too quick. Wait, okay, here we go. Oh, shit. I should have quietly exited, but no. Oh, shit.

23:15Anna Williamson:I got pregnant. Stop the press. And would you believe it? this man actually had the cheek to use that as his excuse to not have sex. Well, you're pregnant now, aren't you, babes? That's literally how we got here in the first place. Oh, my God. And listen, I looked fabulous pregnant. Glowing, radiant boobs that could have stopped traffic. Did Keith notice? Did I get one compliment? Not a sausage. Literally. Well, I'm not being funny. You shouldn't go and get knocked up by someone that you don't bloody know. Well, there you are. What I did get, though, was stumbling across videos on his phone. Videos he'd been sending to other women.

23:48Anna Williamson:Are you kidding me? Honestly, whilst I'm waddling around carrying his child, he's busy filming solo performances like some sort of budget-only fans. But silly me thought, well, I can't raise a baby alone. So I stayed. We even did couples counselling, where Keith actually sat there and said he felt emasculated by me. Emasculated? Hon, it's not me emasculating you, it's your own personality vacuum. Ouch! Fast forward two years. Oh, two years! And they kept going, Lou. And we're on a family holiday. My gut was screaming, something was off. His phone's on the side. So I had a little peek. And babes, I hit the jackpot.

24:23Anna Williamson:Firstly, I find sneaky bikini pics he'd taken of random women around the pool. Oh, Keith's a perv. Oh, pervy Keith. Creepy Keith. Actual creep behaviour. Ick alert too. But oh, it gets better. Because then I find text messages to male prostitutes. I was actually going to say to you straight away, I thought Keith was gay. Honestly, beginning of this. Oh, Keith likes cots. Actual messages like, have you got a cock? Have you got a cock? Yeah. Wank each other off to top it off. He even tried to negotiate on price. He tried to get the proser down on price. It's like vintage. It's vintage, isn't it?

25:00That's a low. 11.25, I'll give you 11.05.

25:04Anna Williamson:I mean, there it is. Girls, I laughed so hard, I nearly wet myself. It's quite a good reaction. I have never felt so relieved. Finally, vindication. All those years thinking it was me. I mean, honey, I could have told you that, it wasn't you, that I wasn't attractive enough, that I'd killed his sex drive, when really, Keith was just too busy trying to book a cheeky circle jerk with Dave the Rent Boy. Needless to say, that was the end of the holiday, the relationship and any illusion that Keith was straight. Well, at least Keith didn't cheat on you. I think that's okay. I mean, I think Keith was cheating all over the place.

25:36Yeah, but Keith is just gay, just wasn't into her.

25:40Anna Williamson:Exactly, but Keith just said that from day one. Literally from day one. Not two years down the line. I'm confused. Keith was all over the place. So, yes, lesson learned. Exactly, honey. Trust your gut. And maybe don't move in with a bloke from Hinge after three dates. Love the pod. Keep me anonymous. And thank you for giving me a platform to drag Keith into the gutter where he belongs. You're welcome. Well, you know, it takes two to tango. It does. Personally, you were a bit silly, but at least you've got a lovely child after that. Exactly. Exactly. And Keith, gay Keith, has now got a child, which is nice.

26:11Which is nice. Because he's saved on surrogate and stuff.

26:14Anna Williamson:I think they were all, they were symptoms of the COVID times, I think we should say. Right, we've got a message from Anon, so Lunatic, a great name. Hi Luanamo, I love the pod and all that jazz, been listening for a long time and you girls literally are the highlight of my week to listen to. I'm after a bit of advice and reassurance. I've just recently found out I'm pregnant with my partner for a couple of years, better than the last one. I found out fairly early just about three and a half weeks I felt a bit weird and normal PNS symptoms didn't seem to be happening albeit shocked initially I was happy about it, I broke the news to my partner and kind of blurted it out not the cute kind of surprise I would have liked but I was so anxious and in shock he was very similar and we said it's super early, let's see in a few days I can't even tell you how many pregnancy tests I did over the next week I was obsessed, so now we're just over four weeks and I can't help but feel slight sadness about being pregnant.