'I would do a**l for a saddle!' Plus cheesy foot nachos & the vagina wall

0:02This is a global production. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But, you know you love it. Just had to write in to say thank you so much for your idea on Gifts for Sex. She says, I brought up the topic in question after listening to the pod to my husband, which he said he would never participate in. I brought up the subject again. However, this time I altered my argument and asked, is there not anything you'd pay to do? He soon changed his tune and said, well, there's one thing, but you've said no to that for the 17 years we've been together.

0:37To which I replied, well, there hasn't been an incentive offered before.

0:48Good morning, good morning. Hello everybody and welcome to Thursday's Luanna Totally Extra. Top of the morning. Top of the morning. Who are you? Who are you Lu? I'm Louisa Zisman. You are Ania Williamson. Ania. Ania. Anna Williamson. We are also joined by producer extraordinaire Imogen Rose Letizia Lettuce Head Romaine Lettuce Austin Hart. We, of course, are bringing you extra. That is extra rants, extra chats, extra confessions, extra stories. This basically is an extra episode all about why you are fabulous Lufanians. By the way, hi if you're watching on YouTube. Please do subscribe if you are watching.

1:35And if you're listening, hopefully you're watching or listening. You must be doing one, otherwise you wouldn't be getting this right now. But if you are listening, please do follow. It's in the top right hand corner of your phone screen. Of your device, yes. If you haven't subscribed or followed, then that's very naughty. So make sure you've done that. Right, let's muff hunt in, shall we then, girlies? Oh, exciting. Yeah, what have the fan base given us this week? So first up, it's a misheard lyric from Hannah. I've just been singing along to the radio as you do and I'm singing along and I'm thinking I've been singing the wrong lyrics for a long time so I was singing I started as a rock and I'm thinking how do you start as a rock thinking it's like I don't know so anyway started as a rock when it's I'm solid as a rock it makes a lot more sense what song is that But honestly, it's been a long morning.

2:33It's Hannah from Lancashire. I don't know that song. You do, you do. It's solid as a rock, da-da-da-da. There's nothing dangerous. No, I've never heard that song in my life. Right, anyway, let's move on from the unknown song with petty reasons to dump someone. From and on, so we've called you Leaky Nips. Hi Team Luanna. When discussing petty reasons to dump someone during this week's Totally Extra, I had a flashback to my early 20s when I was traveling Australia. Throwback to 2018 and I was in the midst of the very early stages of dating an Aussie doctor. If I'm totally honest, he wasn't really my type, but I did enjoy staying at his house rather than slumming it in a hostel in a room with 10 other people.

3:24For the context of the story, I have had milky white nipple discharge joyful since my teens I have had this checked by a medical professional and it's not a sign of anything sinister just juicy nips anyway back to the Aussie doctor one day we were getting down to business and he was playing with my nipples and upon squeezing them a bit of discharge came out a bit embarrassing but rather than just carry on he proceeded to stop mid shag got up off the bed and started rummaging around his desk all whilst fully naked with his willy wobbling around and laying there wondering what the hell is he doing until he has clearly found what he was looking for he picks up a huge book and starts to look through the index a medical journal then that i see he is looking through the a to z family medical encyclopedia to try and diagnose my symptoms.

4:21So mid shag, he's basically obviously lost his boner, hopped off her and is consulting the encyclopedia. Giving her a GP appointment. She said, I was mortified. I proceeded to tell him that it was normal, that I'd already seen a doctor about it, but he was having none of it. What a way to kill the mood. It didn't make matters worse. He took me for breakfast the next day and ordered fried egg. For starters, I absolutely hate fried egg. And secondly, He ate it with his mouth open so I could see all the yolk and egg white moving around in his mouth like a washing machine. First the mid-shag medical diagnosis and then the terrible table man.

4:54It's safe to say there was no coming back from the ick I'd got. So I had no other choice than to dump him. Please keep me non. Give me the nickname Leaky Nips. Wow, what a reason to dump someone. Well, it is, isn't it? I mean, on one hand, you know me, girls, being the absolute hypercontractor. Very caring. You'd love a doctor. I would have loved that if someone started bringing out the British Medical doctor. dictionary I'd have been all over that that would that would set you off I'd be like yes diagnose me that would have given you the horn you would have started like doing some role play wouldn't you'd be like get the stethoscope doctor yes doctor I think I've got a cyst in my vag and I need a good fingering oh wait that's true yeah right we've got a voice note rant from Katie next I'm not sure if this features on Ick of the Week or I said what I said, possibly a small rant.

5:49I cannot bear when people say hello and goodbye to the months. It makes me feel physically sick. Goodbye, August. Goodbye, October. Goodbye, August. What a fantastic time we had. Here's six pictures in a collage of our August and all the wonderful things we did in August. goodbye august hello september hello september welcome you that we're going to do this month i wonder what you're doing september fuck off fuck off i can't why are we doing this what has happened to the human race brilliant so true sailing into september and all of it the cozy knits are coming oh i love it it's so true so i might do a post on like cozy knits and pump i I might start crocheting pumpkins, you know.

6:37Yes, Halloween guff. I love a bit of Halloween. Oh, I am. Actually, do you know what? I'm going to crochet my own autumnal display. Do that. Do that, Lou. I'm going to do that. I think that sounds fantastic. That's going to bring me joy with all the time I've got. Let's do that. Right, joke from Kay. Yes, joke from Kay. Hi, girlies. We love a joke. And she says she loves the pod and I'll add jazz. Just a quick joke for you. All that really tickled my fancy. And I hope it does yours too. what does a horny frog say rub it yes that's a joke I'm on board with love that, Kay from Western Australia good eh, love that and Charlotte has one new oh I love a good lesbian joke we deliver a lot of lesbian jokes on this podcast Charlotte says who cooks in a lesbian relationship neither they both eat out

7:37brilliant gold right thanks for the jokes keep them coming especially the lesbian ones uh we've got a voice note from Gemma next hi Luanna the podcast it's about bloody time that I message you because I've been listening new listener well a few years ago now after you did the parenting hell one the chaotic episode I now ditched parenting hell and I just listened to you guys the whole time so I'm just nearly caught up now anyway I was listening to the one somebody messaged in about the parmesan foot shavings and I thought it's about time I shared my little story about when I was at university and I was sharing a house with three other girls one of them I get on with really well she's still one of my best mates the other two one of them was very annoying and the other one was all right anyway I broke my ankle and it was back in the day we had your leg in plaster so one night when we're all sitting having nachos my leg had been in plaster for quite a long time so it was like nearing the end and I had a lot of dry dry foot crust and I'd finished my nachos and so I was just peeling off the bits of dry foot discreetly putting them on my plate anyway as the night went on I then realized when it was too late that Jenny who had um she was the most annoying one in the house had actually taken my plate and finished off my cheesy bits from the nachos without even asking me if I'd finished how rude anyway I didn't have it was too late to say anything because she'd already started eating it and as she wasn't one of my best mates I thought nah on this occasion I'm just gonna say nothing so yeah she ate my cheesy feet oh my name's jemma no need to keep me anonymous i'm jemma and i'm from farnham well jenny had it coming to her if she didn't ask jenny from the block that's right uh we've got a message in from a non we called you doris hi luanamo love the pod and all that jazz just had to write and say thank you so much for your idea on gifts for sex guys it's now September and we need to go back and see how we all did um anyway she says I brought up the topic in question after listening to the pod to my husband which he said he would never participate in feeling like I was missing out on gifts all the other listeners were getting I brought up the subject again however this time I altered my argument and asked is there not anything you'd pay to do he soon changed his tune and said well there's one thing but you've said no to that for the 17 years we've been together, to which I replied, well, there hasn't been an incentive offered before with a little smirk.

10:20Well, that got his attention and the haggling commenced. I put an offer on the table that he agreed to, as I truly believe he didn't think I'm going to go through with it. But I'm not one to back down, girls. After all, ladies, there was a gift on offer so all in all I had to do a bit of backdoor action so I could get the best present for the main love of my life my gorgeous horse the perfect new saddle is now on the way for her and I couldn't be happier do you know what hard relate well not that I haven't done anal for a saddle but I would I would do anal for a saddle for sure uh she says I couldn't be happier as Louisa knows these do not come cheap no they don't and I had great fun in pushing his financial limit as much as he did my poor derrière my ass may have been slightly offended for a very short amount of time but I get great satisfaction knowing that his bank account has been hit a lot harder I'm elated with my decision and would definitely recommend the gift for sex idea thanks lazy thanks ladies call me my nan's name Doris I mean a bit of backdoor action for a new saddle that's probably the best one that I've heard yeah that shit's over just on that girls we sort of need to wrap that one up how did that go over the summer holidays I mean I think I entered the entered the chat with I got a massage that was about as far as I went What did you get, Em?

11:54For sex

11:58Nothing No, okay, Imo didn't do it Imo's not even had sex all summer I got Jimmy Choo's A pair of Jimmy Choo's, a pair of Fendi shoes Because you just got presents Yeah, I didn't So you didn't have to give out anything No So Lou just got gifts anyway Imo just didn't do it and all I came out with was a massage in exchange for a quickie. You are the winner then. Technically, I'm the winner, but I didn't really bring a lot to the table. I did get a few gifts though. And I was looking quite hot crocheting in my bikini all summer. What we needed was the actual transactional moment because I wasn't going to give it.

12:43And then I suddenly went, hang on a minute. I need something in return. Could I be bothered if I get something? And I went, I really fancy a massage. So that was the transaction. So you're the winner. But I actually think, I'm the winner on that one. Doris wins. Doris wins. Because a saddle. She fucking took it up the arse for a saddle. For a saddle. I mean, I think we can all just give her a big round of applause for her. Doris, I really salute you. I might offer that, actually. Ain't no one in exchange for a saddle. Best thing that's ever happened to you financially. Go. Easy. Sold my car on Carvana.

13:16Amazing offer. Really? I hit 200 on a scratcher. Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check? No. How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once. Okay, that's fair. It's like the lottery, except you always win. Not like the lottery at all, actually. Exactly. Inexplicably good. Offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply. We now haven't asked Luana anything from George. All right, George. What are you asking us, George? Hello, ladies. Hello, Georgie. And all that jazz. My name is George. I am a very proud man fan from Essex, but I'm now living in Suffolk.

13:59We don't talk about it. I'm still an Essex tart at heart. But I have got questions for you, ladies. So everybody I know has got that one comfort show of theirs. And I would like to know what yours is. So my one is a show on Netflix. it stars Christina Applegate and some lady with a fringe um it's called Dead to Me if you guys haven't watched it it's one of them ones it leaves you on a cliffhanger every single episode so you will end up binge watching it I'd highly recommend it to everybody um and I want to know ladies what are your go-to comfort shows you can watch them over and over again you know exactly what's gonna happen when it's gonna happen maybe you even know some of the words what's it called the script you probably know all the scripts as well but what is your comfort show i need to know i think this would fall under recoseco because you can recommend your comfort show to others and yeah love the pod and all that jazz there it is hello babes you little essex tart with a heart you said not me oh comfort shows love that i have a comfort show do you what is that is it standards no no I have um my comfort show is Amanda Land and Downton Abbey oh but do you like re-watch it then is that what it is a comfort show when you re-watch yeah if I just want to like have something cozy and switch off and just like a low a low lift um you know I don't have to be your zims i my i used to be parks and rec i really love that show very easy i do love a bit of like if there's nothing else on i do love a bit of amanda land or motherland so good isn't it it's never funny i've never watched they mine would be i don't tend to re-watch things because i'm very much a move on next type of person in general but i do like if i just want to switch off i don't really tend to watch like netflix but i do like a bit of like love is blind or there's a show called the ultimatum just bullshit like that just a trashy telly yeah trashy telly yeah but my my go-to faves are like murder documentaries because i'm a sick fuck psychopath yeah you love your true crime don't you i love a bit of true good question i love it love it ask them on everything guys anything guys you can ask us anything you like luana at everything uh luana.com Right, it's time for a little bit of Challenge Luanna Now, Imo's fun bags are not here today Fun bags?

16:40They are here They're on her chest Exactly, but not the cool bag, fun bag of joy Oh yeah But what is, remind us Imo, what are challenges for this week? This is Challenge Luanna, Challenge Luanna Will it be Anna or will it be Lu? Oh, Anna is 3-0 up yeah no i'm gonna win this week and yeah i think you might i don't know what you've got but mine is sketchy at best i challenge the girls to bring me the best drinking vessel yeah period uh we'll go with lou first very simple it's a mug what what is a better to drink out of than a lovely stoneware mug it's about 400 milliliter capacity and mugs and things like this have been designed for years because they are simply wow it's zooming on me now they are simply the best thing to drink out of like I I'm what else was you meant to bring instead of a drinking vessel well what was the challenge the most unusual was there what was the best drinking vessel it's got a big handle which I I can fit like my whole hand in.

17:59It's really attractive. It's got like this wavy design and I really like it. And so it's a mug. You cannot be a better drinking vessel than a mug. Okay, I will take that argument. And I will ask Anna, what is your best drinking vessel? So I slightly misunderstood the title. I thought it was the most unusual drinking vessel. I think that's just where my head took this. so I love the mug I can't argue with a mug being a fantastic drinking vessel I'm going to work with my theme of unusual drinking vessel because I was inspired by my daughter who for some reason is obsessed there it is again with drinking shots of a drink of choice out of a cowpul syringe alright you can't really get a lot of drink in that No, exactly.

18:55Shottage. How many mils are in the syringe? Well, it's a five mil syringe. Oh, it's five. Yeah, five mil syringe. So, I mean, I can do it now. I've got a rehydration drink. Hang on with me here. I want to demonstrate you on. So, I mean, if we want to do shots of something. Quite a cool idea for a hen do, isn't it? Shots out syringes. So, I went with the wrong title, which was most unusual drinking vessel because I saw her drink an entire glass of water painstakingly, like the woman who did that crisp lining up um yeah five mil by five mil but I thought it was interesting and then I realized our challenge so I was like I'm gonna nick that idea but I think I got the wrong end of the stick you are welcome have I won now I would see how it would be quite satisfying and fun to drink out of a little pipetti it's quite fun thingy and I imagine as a child especially you'd get much joy out of that there's a lot of joy in that not enjoying that however and it's not i wasn't necessarily looking for something i guess standard to drink out of it could have been anything but i do love a mug and we do love a mug to be fair i love i love a mug i've got the best big cupboard of mugs yeah i've got my favorite mug as we speak it's old but i love it everyone's got a favorite mug and I'm gonna give it to Luke I can't argue with that I can't argue with that but if the title was weirdest thing would I have won with the cow-pull pipette?

20:26Well no because I wouldn't have brought a mug would I? I would have brought something weirder like a condom

20:34Okay so it's 3-1 to me 3-1 to you She's back in the game What is the challenge for next week dear producer Imo? I have forgotten to set one. So I will come up with it on the spot. I would like you to bring... It's better not be shit. ...to the recording. Yes. Yes. Oh, God. The thing that makes me go, ooh. Right. Oh, okay. Yeah. The thing that makes me go, ooh. Yeah. Now, is that a good ooh? That's however you want to take it. Oh, I've got such a good idea. That's the challenge. There you go. So something to make you go, ooh. The thing is, I think I'm in Dubai on the next one and I can't get a double ender in this country.

21:32You can make one out of plaster of Paris and bring it on. And Andrew's gone. Darling, would you mind molding this for me? Or just bring him into shot. I mean, that's fine. Okay, right. Produce it on my hand in front of the camera. Okay. Right, we're going to go with that. Right, we've got, what does, oh, Rate My Fart. We've got a Rate My Fart from and on. So, Ty Sphincter. Love that. It says, my partner listened to an episode of your podcast where you played a fart. And, of course, he's taken this as a personal competition. He reckons he can do better. So, I thought we'd get him on camera and put it to the test.

22:13Here you go Here we go

22:20Very tight So if we were to critique this I would say If I didn't know any better That's like a You know when you get a balloon And then you start to take the Let the air out Yeah at the top I'd say that's probably the tightest little Butty hole I've ever heard I would agree I'll go six and a half I'll go six and a half It's a very tight bum hole that I'd go I'd give you a seven Just to congratulate you on the tightness of your ass to be fair actually you get an extra point i'll raise mine by a point no yeah for having an intact bum hole congratulations thank you for that rate my fart well done we've got another ask luana anything from jillian so she's got a viral internet question for us she said she loves the baguette the baguette or naan question and she is still convinced that nan is the one even though when we did that anna the baguette one she says here's one i've seen going around on tiktok if a door is closed is it on or off what i don't get that like if a door is closed would you say the door is on or the door is off on what do you mean on or off like on because it's closed closed door open yeah but she's she's sort of flipping it like so i saw this going around yeah and there's yeah debate whether is it on because it's closed it's on because it's connected and because the door is meant to shut things out or is it on because it's open and it was actually meant to let people through on is open off is closed i think it's the other way around i'd go on is on is closed like you've got the door on.

24:02Good debate. What do you think, Em? I would also go with the door being on if it's closed. Really? It just feels like it's on. It's sort of connected like a plug. No, I'd be like it's closed. That is off, like gone. That's off, isn't it? Interesting. So there you go. It's open. It's on, like come in. It's on. What do you think, we found it? Well, very interesting. Yeah, there we are. I think that's mildly interesting, actually, if I'm totally honest with you. But we love it. Throw it over to here because we'll always give it a, we'll always, you know, give it a little chat. Give it a whirl.

24:39Right, confession times. I've never told anyone this, but I've never told anyone this, but I have had a few wines and I've listened to two hours of Luana while I do my Tesco order. That's a lot. That's a big Tesco order. Two hours. How much are you spending in Tesco? Make sure you get your club card points. Jesus. It's not a good idea when you're half cut to do any shopping. No, or hungry. No, you are literally millions of girls, virtual girl group. Oh, thank you. Well, we try. I don't know what's inspired me to write this, but I have a confession and I actually feel this is an important topic for our virtual girl group.

25:11Buckle in. When I was 13, Oh, no, I've read ahead. Oh, darling. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I tried to cut my labia off with a pair of nail scissors. I had grown up seeing your classic science textbook photos and assumed mine was disgusting. Oh, babe. Mine was disgusting and deformed. Spoiler alert. it really really isn't I just didn't look like a four-year-old Barbie but here's the clincher my mum walked in and found me and I opened up to and opened up to how disgusting I felt instead of saying oh my god don't be silly they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes she booked me a GP appointment oh she thought she was doing the right thing well and the GP didn't make things better she says oh yes your labia minora are overdeveloped and said something else this scarred me I felt like a freak over the years of boarding school many of my friends also opened up about their vaginas and how embarrassed they felt about their shapes this is where we need the wall of great wall of vagina to be back in the psyche we'll repost it yeah everyone has a different vag guys it's all cool one said very beautiful one said i think my lips are longer because i accidentally hit myself with a tennis racket between the legs another said i'm worried it's i've changed its shape from horse riding there we were a bunch of 13 to 16 year olds freaking out we were abnormal aliens i wouldn't let anyone touch me down there until i was 17 and when i eventually let a guy go down on me i felt excruciatingly self-aware and embarrassed then came the show the perfect vagina on channel 4 do you remember it a mum had two daughters and she couldn't bear the idea of them thinking that they were disgusting or abnormal for not fitting the porn star mold she showed us that vaginas come in all different shapes and sizes and the program finished with an artist taking molds of 50 plus vagina yeah women's vaginas i think possibly yeah so women could see how wildly different they all are i vividly remember watching this at boarding school with a group of girls ranging from 13 to 18 and we were transfixed we'd never seen anything like it and clearly judging from my mom's and my gp's reaction neither had they women had clearly never talked about it or seen other vaginas i'm now 34 i'm married with two kids and my husband is completely obsessed with my vag so girls listen up closely vaginas come in all shapes and sizes so please have pride and confidence in your incredible body and sexuality and do not ever dare to think or maim or adjust yourself down there in any way shape or form praise yes girl i've never told anyone this but i also feel everyone needs to know just in case there's anyone out there feeling insecure go and watch the perfect vagina it's still on youtube signing out now i really need to check out of this tesco shop before i get too drunk and order a week's worth of jaffa cakes great snack choice by the way loads of love to all lufanians and please keep me anon what a brilliant message and you're right that great wall of vagina I actually really enjoyed that because after like birth and stuff I was a bit like is mine a bit like outy but actually I'm cool with it now it is what it is it's just my vag it's just a vag it's just a vag well it's like people's faces all look different like of course our bits are gonna look different because absolutely it's not a cut and paste no and and also it's like subjective on what is beautiful anyway do you know what i mean it's like one person's trash some people love like a lot of some people don't some people like a bush landing strip big clit small clit you know it's like that movie what's that movie where i'm obsessed with and i can't remember the name of it ever and he's like wet pussy red pussy yellow pussy small pussy big pussy no idea but i'd like to remember what it and it's like i think it's a coen brothers film it's one of the coen and then i don't know whatever But you're right.

28:40Enjoy and embrace your badges, girls. And men, enjoy your women's badges. Hi, Luanna. Fellow Lufanian here. I love listening to your podcast. I'm a new listener, actually, and I have a confession. Not from me, not from my husband, but from my husband's friend. So my husband is 44. Need to add that this happened when his friend, let's call him Bert, was 19. He goes to Shagaloof on a lad's holiday, gets with a girl in the club and goes back to her hotel and bangs her. Goes to the toilet to clean up and while he is there, he puts the girl's toothbrush up his arse, brush end. Remember the disposable cameras back in the 90s?

29:18Bert took a picture of the toothbrush up his backside on the girl's disposable camera. Left the hotel room, carried on with his lad's holiday. imagine that poor girl getting home getting her camera developed flicking through the pics sunset beaches selfie of the girls then what the fuck is that i was dead when you told me this story i don't think i can leave my toothbrush unattended anywhere now keep being amazing love you bye those snappy snaps cameras have a lot i don't need i don't if i'm staying in a hotel i always put my toothbrush like back in my wash bag and zip it up and put it back in the drawer because I think that like the hotel cleaners might like clean the toilet with my toothbrush.

29:59Revenge. Yeah, I'm so suspicious of everybody now when it comes to stuff like that. It's terrible, isn't it? Great confession though. I think we all did things with those disposable cameras that we shouldn't have done. I know I did. And we got those. In fact, on a few occasions, I got the true print prints back with the whole like cross of, you know, this is an inappropriate image or something like that. I'm surprised I didn't get thrown in jail. Right. Lou's messing around with camera it's very exciting and that is it guys we'll be back on thank you for all of your contributions today on totally extra of course we need all of them uh for next week's totally extra send them into luana at everything luana.com our whatsapp number to send that into a clear voice note please for imogen is 07521564640 please rate follow subscribe and all that guff is trez important we love you adios adios

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