'Imagine your dad running off with your fiancée!'

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast.

0:05Anna Williamson:Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bands and general explicit content. But you know you love it. You like those zissy poos? Can I just say, those talon nails that have been driving you mad have come in handy. She's, oh that's it, sorry, I've just eaten a cracker, but it's good, I haven't got, you know when you eat a cracker and it's like dry and you're like, I don't want to do that on the pod because I always see people say it's gross. You are very considerate. I am less considerate when it comes to general sort of bodily functions. Yeah, you are. My nails are also disgusting.

0:39Anna Williamson:Talking about... Hello, everyone. Welcome. Hi. Welcome for your weekly dose of guff. Go on. I was going to say, talking about gross stuff. Go on. I was really laughing because, you know, we've taken the anon off our Facebook group and it's been a much nicer thing. It has been the best decision. We know it, you know, upsets some people, but we had to kind of do something. We had to do it. Because it was awful. Anyway, and someone posted the other day and what do they say? And I know that I do this, right? Go on. I always like blink with one eye. Oh, the sloth from Goonies blink. I don't know. Get sloth up.

1:20Anna Williamson:Bex, please, can you get sloth? It's like I have a delayed eye. You know like a dolly, a broken dolly that has a lazy blink? That's what you have.

1:35Fucking right, old Padme, don't you, cunt? What the fuck? Let me see that picture again. Where is that from? Where is that?

1:45Anna Williamson:That sloth from the goonies. Right, thanks, Anna. That sloth from the goonies. You don't really look like that. That is also... Wait, put it up and take a photo. That is actually a sloth mask. I feel like I should buy it. Hang on.

2:06And people were like saying how I blink with one eye and how you have developed a lisp. Yes, why have I? And it's more prevalent in your... You haven't today or last week. Well, I don't know. You haven't talked to me last week. I don't know why I've got a lisp. I've noticed it too. Yeah, really bad. Really bad.

2:24Anna Williamson:Why have we got, like, you've got a lazy eye. I've got a weird list. We're becoming a bit. We're becoming, maybe we're burnt out. Yeah. I think we're just, like, so. You've lost the ability to talk. I can't talk. And I've lost the ability to control my eyes and, like, blink. Yeah. And it was really making me laugh. That actually made me laugh. And do you know what was quite sweet? Some people were, like, sticking up for us, like, this isn't very nice. They might see it. Guys, we don't mind that. We don't mind. Because we know our faults. You've got to be able to laugh at yourself in life. So you don't need to worry about sticking up for us.

2:55But it's extremely sweet that you do.

2:58Anna Williamson:But yeah, we're the first to take the absolute piss out of each other. Like I say, I've just called you sloth from the goonies. Only because you are so beautiful. Buy that mask. Who has a really bad lisp that I can now... Who has a really bad lisp? Maybe it's my retainers. I'm wondering that. But aren't you doing Invisalign at the moment? I do Invisalign at night. I've done it for years though. Maybe. What do you mean Invisalign for years? Well, I'd just wear the retainer, like the nightclub. That's just a retainer to keep your teeth in place. Well, yeah, that. But I had Invisalign, and then the last retainer you get, which is like the one that just holds it.

3:31Anna Williamson:Yeah, but that shouldn't affect. No, it shouldn't. I've just got a fixed retainer. That's what you mean. Why do I have a list? Is there anyone of a medical profession? Why has she got a wonky eye? Why don't you call 111? Why have I got a list? Oh, listen, me and bloody 111, I tell you. Actually, do you know what? I have got something to say to this week. Yes? Because I just wanted to... We don't often, I think we give our kids a fairly decent ride nowadays. We went through a lot of moaning about our kids. It's because we're out the woods now. They're older. Well, I'm bloody well not. Well, I thought I was.

4:02Anna Williamson:You see, when you shunned the nappies, all of that. I don't even have to lift L anymore. I went through the lifting at night time, you know, toilet. Don't even have to do that anymore. They wake up themselves. They do their own shit in the morning. Like, we are good. All right? We're winning. However, I had a little, but isn't it worse? So when you've got kids and you've come out of the woods and you then have those reminders of how bloody awful it is in the trenches. And if you are in the trenches right now, I feel for you. I feel fucking for you because suddenly you get a couple of bad nights sleep.

4:31Anna Williamson:Oh. And it just throws you. Does you write in. It's twaw, didn't it, Lou? Quah. Well, quah. I had a moment and a half where I firstly also want to just call out in thanks to kind people, right? Because I've gone into a celebrity. Kindness is free. But also recognising, and this is holiday season we're in at the moment, and there you will invariably see frazzled parents in holiday destinations, on public transport, you know, everywhere that are dealing with tantruming kids, right? And let me tell you, nobody feels worse than the person, the parent who was trying to deal with that bloody kid in that moment.

5:08I was in the lounge the other day going to fly, and this kid was, and I mean, it went through me piercing. and Clemmie was like I'm really pissed off and I was like Clemmie that was you like two years ago yeah back it up kid we've all been there we've all been there and it's nothing well we've done it when we were little we have you just have to like smile and let it go let it go but also have empathy do some crochet I was crocheting at the time crochet your way through it I wonder if I could start a Luanna crochet club yes you can you can do what you like I can't read a pattern actually is there any Luanna fans that would help me do you know who would have been

5:42Anna Williamson:well actually my mother-in-law can help you do that But also Dead Nana. She's dead. I know, but she was a cracking crochet. I'm doing an appeal to try and read a pattern and you're recommending someone that carked it about seven years ago. Yeah, Dead Nana. But I might have some of her patterns around. She's long gone, mate. She's decomposed. Or burnt. Isn't that a horrible thought? Oh, not really. How did you get rid of her? Bury or burn? We burned her. Bury or burn? Bury or burn. What would you rather? Burn. I want to burn. I don't want to be getting all maggoty down there. I want people to have a festival, actually, and call it Burning Lou.

6:19And it'll be like my after party. Well, we decided this after last week. It's not a wake anymore. It's an after party. But they can put me Burning Lou, like my body. And then they can set fire to me. Like an effigy. Yeah, and all dance around it. Is it an effigy? Yeah. Maybe I should do that for my next birthday party. Burning Lou. I mean, it's pretty dark. Not actually Burn Me, but just have a Burning Lou party. Because everyone does Coachella, like Lou-chella. Nah, that's done. It's now Burning. how about when we get

6:44Anna Williamson:because it will come around quick when we get to like bonfire night why don't we yeah do like some sort of like guy of you and then we'll throw it on fire we should do a little bonfire night party here shouldn't we we should do a little bonnie night shall we shall we invite everyone over yeah let's invite everyone over to ours ours ours also can I just say sorry I totally hijacked what you were saying you probably can't remember what it was oh I can now Elle's thing you know our we're doing a psychic dinner party soon did you see the message in the group no I haven't seen it yet I'm reconfirming it you need to reply.

7:13I will be reconfirming. I'm doing a psychic dinner party. So exciting.

7:15Anna Williamson:And is this the psychic? Which is the same one. So this is the same psychic. Oh my God, those talons are. I know, they're brutal. Those talons are fucking talons. I hate this long now. Or our Eddie the Eagle. Edward Shidder. They are like Edward Scissor. You could actually kill someone with those nails. If someone really pissed you off, you could stab them. Take your eye out. I know they're horrible. They're so long. But anyway, it's the same psychic. And I had a psychic dinner party in 2018. And we'd just started Luanna. and she said to me I can't remember what she said to you but she said yeah you're going to go into business with a friend she knew nothing about us no you're going to go into business with a friend it's going to be really successful and it's going to be all this stuff that it has been she said to both of us so Melinda we've got her back because Lou and I do have a production company now and we have gone into business and we weren't at the time she said exactly the same thing do you remember we were like oh my gosh she just said this about us and well we've bloody got her back so she's coming back 10th of October I'm so excited I'm going to do like a really nice table it's Alex's birthday that's next night it'll be fine I'll do something nice for his birthday on the Saturday tell him you need to see the future I know I have I've said you know this is going to be a good thing but anyway let's go back but back to just kindness and parenting but just because it made me think this time of year in particular we're now well in the trenches of the summer holidays We love our kids.

8:42Anna Williamson:Of course we do. But they are bloody annoying. And they're bored and they're tired and they need structure and they need routine. Yes, girl. And sometimes you can have the nicest kid in the world. And as my mum always says to me, they're not robots, Anna. They're not robots. Well, I went into the celebrity farm shop the other day, Lou. Yeah. Okay. And my little Elle's normally quite good, but she's going through a phase. Oh. Let me tell you, the level of tantrum this child threw in the middle of the fucking farm shop was next level. and then we've said this before. I mean, she's six-ish. I know, but we've said this before.

9:13Anna Williamson:I put this down to bad parenting, actually. Yeah, probably. Well, but you know when one child is then being a pain in the arse, the other one turns into the angel. The other one goes like, ah! So Enzo, who's going through a good phase, he was literally like my little sort of echo. Little mummy, you know, righteous. And, oh, mummy, she's having a tantrum. I was like, I know. That's so like mine. So we're in the celebrity farm shop. It's like, Christ, there weren't that many people in it. And she decided, I'd said to them, well, look, you can all have like a pastry or something. possibly. Anyway, she just wanted loads of shit that she can't have, basically.

9:42Anna Williamson:The answer is fucking no. Because guess what? I'm your parent. Your answer's no. You've had too many sugary treats. Your teeth are going to fall out, quite honestly. The answer's no. So she decided she wanted a waffle. You know, like the sweet waffles in the freezer section. So she's lifted up this thing and I'm like, put the lid down. You're not having a waffle. I want a waffle. No, you're not having a waffle. Anyway, this turned into a standoff at the bloody freezer section. And she goes, mummy, she's not allowed to waffle. No, no one is having a waffle. He's like, I'm happy with my palate of strawberries, Mummy.

10:12Anna Williamson:I'll have a banana. Yeah, all that bullshit. And I'm like, fine. Mummy, the lid's gone up again. This is it. She's got the tongs now, Mummy. And she's going, I want a waffle. And I'm like, you're not having a waffle. She probably didn't even want a waffle. This is what kids are like. They try and fucking knock you out. And they try and put power over you to see if you're a pushover. And you know, and also, my kids. It's fucked up, you know, with these kids, what they do to us. Yeah, and my kids have genuinely cottoned on. and I'm honestly not to say even though your nanny now hilariously she's like for someone who's half famous I don't consider myself famous but I do find people do stare and people are very nice but all it takes is one person to recognise you feel even more exposed right for any parent when your child is kicking off it's fucking embarrassing let alone when you think they know you anyway so my kids know this and now they do play up even more because they know typically I'll shut down if I think it's a spectacle in public so she kicks off about this fucking waffle I held I was like no do you know what fuck you I didn't say this by the way but I was like you're not having a goddamn waffle go fuck yourself Elle you can have your fucking strawberry punnet anyway but also in that moment I had this realisation strawberries are very expensive they are really expensive it was like £1.05 for a bloody waffle anyway I was like but you should not have it on matter of principle no I'm your mother I say no so we get to the till I've got my basket oh no no this tantrum she's realised I really mean it and I even said to her I said you can continue this as long as you like because you are not you are not winning I'm winning I was like and you can embarrass me as much as you like in public and we're on we're on sister so I'm at the till Enzo's like I'll pack the bag mummy I'll pack the bag for you and all that she has gone stratospheric right so at this point yeah everyone else in the kind of like it's like a till that's a long like horizontal lots of different till points the lady's helping me pack my bag and she knows us and she's like oh she's I went what's the issue when she wants a waffle don't lean into it anyway so she's kicking off then stupidly trying to distract her in the middle of me trying to like beep and pay.

12:07Anna Williamson:I went, go look over that shelf over there and go and look at something. Well, I've gone and directed her to the sweets, haven't I? There's like a wall of sweets. So then she goes over there, she shuts up for a few minutes. I'm like, good, thank Christ for that. Stuff in her face. No, then she comes over, I want some sweets. And I was like, right, you know, you're not having this. Just absolutely no. So we get out, we get out into the car park, at which point, she can, you can relate to this, you can, she reminded me of a horse that wasn't going to jump a jump. When you get a horse, that is absolutely adamant they're not going to, no matter how much you pull those reins, it's going to dig its hooves in and it ain't going to bloody move.

12:43Anna Williamson:Well, she did this on the gravel driveway right outside the automatic doors of the Celebrity Farm shop. She's holding onto my legs. She's strong as well, pushing me. Oh, I want a waffle. Oh, I want a sweet. I mean, she's gone for it. Wow, she got possessed. Yeah, and I was like, you know when you're trying to lift them to move them? She's bloody strong. Anyway, in the end, managed to get her near the car. Open the car door. She's still having a tantrum. Very pleasant elderly couple are sitting in their car with the doors open, enjoying a takeaway cuppa from the Celebrity Farm Shop, you know, cafe and a little, you know, tiffin or something, a little rocky road or something.

13:15Anna Williamson:And she looks at me and I'm trying to crowbar into the car. She won't go. Oh no, she's on one. And she was like, is everything okay? And I was like, I said, oh, she just wants a waffle. And I've said, no, she's not having a waffle. And this woman, she was like, and I love this one people. She went, I've got grandchildren. I know what it's like. And I was like, I just can't get her in the car. oh, I'm just going to have to ride this one out. I'm not giving in, just until she gives in. She went, I've got a puppy. Would that help? And I was like, yes, you're fucking right. That would help, love. She went, can I help?

13:46Anna Williamson:I don't want to interfere, but can I help? I went, you know what? I'll take it. Yeah, what you got? She went, I've got a puppy in the back of the car. She opens the car. So I then went, right. She actually did have a puppy. And I went, right, be quiet. I said, this lady's got a puppy. You know who don't make noise around animals? Thank you very much. Well, they love a puppy, Mike is. So she shut up. she opens the car up all I can say to you I mean I want it I mean I turned into either this Cavalier King Charles Spaniel puppy she has in the back of the car in a crate yeah she gets the puppy out she lets the kids play with the puppy Earl then oh completely switched oh I love this puppy Ripley this puppy I love the puppy oh seriously bloody Veruca Salt anyway love the puppy the lady was lovely she was so sweet this lady couple of minutes with the puppy right let's watch the puppy kiss the puppy off he goes back she went into the car good as gold she forgot about the fucking waffles.

14:33Anna Williamson:Distraction. Distraction. And I said to this lady, thank you. I said, I probably would have handled it. I'm kind of used to it. Do you know what I mean? She went, that was it. And it was really nice of her to say. She went, I just wanted to say, I thought you handled that really well. She went, because you didn't get cross. I went, well, there's just no point. You know, anger with anger at this point isn't going to help. I've just got to let this one ride out. And she went, I think you're doing a great job. And I just wanted to say, that moment really fucking made my day because it was really embarrassing standing at those tills with people judging me and my family.

15:03Anna Williamson:And then did you rob her puppy? Oh, my God. No, I went home and I went straight away. I was like, Alex, we need a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel puppy. They're cute, aren't they? Oh, my God, it was so cute. My friend had one of those growing up. So cute. So that's the moral of my thing. If you see a parent struggling right now, just go and offer them a puppy. Yeah, give a puppy. Shall we? We don't have Imo again. No. But have we got a... It's the Mecca with Becca. Okay. Did you know that ducks are thought to have regional accents? No. This is a good one. Yeah. A study by researchers at Middlesex University found that ducks in different areas, such as London and Cornwall, may have distinct quacking sounds.

15:49Anna Williamson:They've got a quack. Northern ducks. Let's do an impression of a northern duck. London ducks are found to have a louder, rougher shouting quack. Of course they are. while Cornish ducks are more relaxed. Quack. Quack. Quack. Well, I love a good duck fact, even though half of my flock have gone. Aw, RIP buzzer. Good duck fact, though. That is actually a really good duck fact. So ducks have accents. Who knew? Duck accent. Right, let's dive in with some messages. We've got one from Anonymous. So we've called you Maggie Ellen. So I was in my mid-twenties and my boyfriend had just dumped me. And I mean properly dumped me.

16:28The kind of heartbreak where you cry so much, you actually dehydrate. After a few months of wallowing, whine and wondering if I'd ever be fancied again, I thought, right, enough's enough. Get back out there, girl. That's it. So I jumped back on the dating scene and I started messaging this guy, Electra, from a village near me in Wales, but he'd moved to Nottingham. He was hot, like gym body, proper arms, intelligent. And I thought, yes, he will do nicely for a little confidence boost. Anyway, he came home for the term holidays and we ended up meeting on a night out. We hooked up, had sex and yeah, it was good.

17:05Like, smug. I hope my ex is spiritually aware of what's happening right now. Kind of good. As you're noshing him off, you're hoping there's telepathy kicking off there. The week after, he asked me to dinner and I thought, cute. I put on tight jeans, nice top, all wedges. The casual Friday night sexy but not trying too hard vibe. Even though like you try really hard at that outfit. What does this top look like with the jeans? Nice top and a wedge. Blazer. There you go. And then he turned up in cargo shorts, a basic T-shirt and hiking shoes. Yes, hiking fucking shoes. Still, I thought, okay, it's power three.

17:41And then, then he took me to this restaurant. Not just any restaurant. No, no, the restaurant I used to go to with my ex all the time. Don't. And all I could think was, for the love of God, please don't let my ex see me like this. I mean, I know it's shallow. I know, but I was mortified. so what did I do I text my best friend and said emergency I need you to pretend there's been a massive fight with your mum and you're crying and I need to come immediately it's so obvious she agreed obviously because she's a real one he offered to drive me to the car park where she was picking me up and I messaged her like remember act upset he'll be watching from the car window and my god she nailed it I get in the car she's got full on streaming tears red face like she's just watched Marley and me and the notebook back to back I looked at her and said babe I didn't know you could cry on cue and she goes I can't I turned the heater on full blast and I held my eyelids open next to it honestly give that woman a bafta Mr.

18:40Cargo drove off what a friend and I never saw him again and you know what I was fine with that because on the way home she didn't even drop me at mine she dropped me off at my hunky fireman friend with benefits house instead so not always lost keep me non lots of love my nan's name maggie ellen

18:57Anna Williamson:she had a options and be a great friend

19:03Anna Williamson:i'd do that for you i would do that for you every step of the way that's too good oh i love it everyone needs a friend like that i know we've got each other who have you got new fannies if you haven't got a friend you got us we'd do it for you uh right message from anonymous so cynthia Good afternoon, Lou Animo. I found you on Staying Relevant months ago and I've been listening ever since. Cross-contamination. Eighth listener from cross-contamination. Doing quite all right, Lou, I'll be honest. I listen to you every time I get in the car. And you were a big help in making me stay positive through my final exam period.

19:37Anna Williamson:Oh, bless your heart. Well, you are welcome. Right, on to the story, she says. Me and my partner have been together for three years this September. And here's my absolute world. I love him so much I would do anything for him I think about marrying this man often for context I'm 22 and he's 24 and this is not my first lover before you tell me to sack it all off and find someone else okay noted we have a great relationship we are in constant tears of laughter and love spending every minute with each other we never argue and I cannot see a flaw in this man but in the near three years that we have never had we have never had sex but in three years we have never had sex don't get me wrong this man is great at everything foreplay and is the only person who has ever made me orgasm more than once lol but it stops at sex he originally told me it was because he went through a time as a teen where he did a lot of drugs and he struggled now to get erections after being with him for this long i can tell you there is no struggle as every morning i feel you know i feel you know what pressed into my back i know this hasn't been bothering me much as my past relationship was very much just sex and no real relationship so it felt nice for hours not to be centered around it only a couple of months ago i asked him which took a lot of courage as I didn't want to upset him why we haven't had sex yet and he told me the real reason was because he doesn't enjoy it he doesn't like the feeling now for a 24 year old man I find this unusual but acted so calm and as didn't want him to be put off he said he would try for me over the next couple of months as he knew it would make me happier yet nothing has happened I know he had quite a toxic ex-girlfriend in the past and she put him down quite a lot about sex and himself.

21:09Anna Williamson:Well, this is it, my lovely. But I am not her. P.S. Girls do better. Men have emotions too. I am worried about bringing it up again as I don't want him to feel pressured and then not actually be able to get an erection and him then feel embarrassed. Any advice would be nice. This isn't a deal breaker for me, but I don't know how to get around the topic, especially when he tells me he's excited for having kids. Wow, he's got to do the detail. Yeah, keep doing what you're doing. Please can we have a live tour soon? As I wasn't with you for the last one. Please use my granny's name, Cynthia. Wow.

21:38Anna Williamson:Three years. So, well, I was thinking, just reading that through. They obviously do sex laugh. Maybe he's gay. Well, there are so many. What people need to understand is that sex is psychological. Yes, it is physical. But particularly for a man, they do have the rough end of the deal where, as a woman, arguably you can just lie back and think of England. But for a man, you do have to physically get aroused. And psychologically, that impact, if you have something that is causing you stress or anxiety around that, which it sounds like it is, the first thing to go is your erection. It sounds to me as though something has happened to him.

22:13Anna Williamson:Trauma. Whether it's either... He's got trauma dick. He has trauma dick. But either I would say part of that would have been... Not traumatic, trauma dick. Traumatic, traumatic. I would say possibly his ex-girlfriend has shattered his confidence around that. There could be other factors at play here. Some people I know that struggle to actually have actual sex is they have some form of learned trauma or problems around unwanted pregnancy. Sometimes people I know that have been in that situation where they are worried about getting someone pregnant or an STD or something like that and they do avoid having actual sexual intercourse because that is a fear which has come from somewhere.