'It wouldn't have ended this way if you'd just washed your genitals'

0:00Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting, to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This is a global production. Be warned, it's Luanna, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants, and general explicit content.

0:38But, you know you love it. We met up and I instantly thought, oh dear, his teeth were quite rot. Oh no. Now, once he was on the sofa and I started to ****, I thought, oh. Oh no. Oh guys. The teeth were a sign. The teeth were a sign. Guys, this is a gag warning. I'm sorry, guys, but if someone lets their teeth rot and you're looking at someone that's got bad teeth, let me tell you, their bits are not going to be too snazzy. I think personal hygiene and awareness is definitely compromised.

1:18Good morning. Aloha. Good morning, guys. Welcome to Luanna the Podcast. I am, of course, no, that's the wrong way around. Who are you? I'm Lou of Luanna. I'm Anna of Luanna. It's like Ant and Dec. You never go, here's Dec and Ant. Yeah, you don't. You just don't. Do you think people just always say you could go Lou and Anna? Absolutely. It's how I do it. Lou Anna. Whenever I just write anything. We've still not had a baby named after us. Or have we? Well, I think if someone did, oh look, my tissue box, they would have said, I've named my baby Luanna. Maybe we've had a dog or a cat. If I get a new cat, shall I call it Luanna?

1:55Yeah. I had a by the way narcissistic again creeping in always babes also you know the guff guys just welcome along but please make sure you're subscribing on your favourite platform and subscribing on YouTube hello YouTube hello I had a little sad moment last night actually what's your sad moment well remember because you're missing Crumbie a bit aren't you at the moment Crumbie well when this ep goes out I am back in Dubai with Crumbie okay fine but I have sent Crumbie to a dog trainer for 10 days yeah exactly you're in the middle of to get boot camp oh yeah he needs This has been a bit cheeky.

2:27A bit of a naughty boy. Recall very bad. Naughty boy. Well, you know, I'm obsessed with my teddy. Yes. My cat teddy, obviously. It's like, I keep... Kate Lawler makes me cry sometimes. Kate Lawler's got these lovely dogs who are getting older. And like, she talks a lot about that anticipatory grief. And it's really, it is such a thing. And last night, like, we got this new, lovely new sofa, which got delivered. It's like, oh my God, finally my house is looking like a real house. Is it? Oh my God, I'm loving it. You've posted a lot about the house. No, because I just want to wait for the... No, I haven't actually.

2:59I just haven't had time to be honest. You posted something, I saw. I think when it's... There's still... We've just still got lots of snagging happening at the moment. Have you got carpets and stuff, though? Yeah, all carpets, all floor. Curtains? Are you at that stage yet? Not yet, no. But we've got the new sofa. The telly's coming. Yeah, all the media walls up and everything. Waiting for the fireplace to be finished this week as well. So it's like snagging. It is looking really lovely. And I will show it off at some point. You know, it's like toot in the background. I just like the two in the background.

3:26You want it to be show home. I just want it to look nice. For once in my life, I just want it to look good. But Teddy is loving this new bloody couch. And I got my big fluffy rug. And I got on my new sofa. It's like a kidney shaped sofa. Oh, it's a kidney. So I was in the little nook of it. I've got my big fluffy rug. And he jumps on me. And he's like, whenever you sit down, he's on you. And he lies like fully out. Oh, it's so cute. His legs and arms are like either side really long, like a scarf. And you can pick him up and throw him around like a ragdoll and he doesn't move. And he just sits there and purrs like he's just so docile.

4:02And I held him and I picked him up and I sort of snuggled him up into like a little ball. And I sat there and he was on his rug and he was looking up at me. It was like a newborn baby and he's purring. He was looking at me. He was just looking at me. And I looked at him and I sniffed him and snuggled him. And oh, he's my favourite thing in the world. and I did just suddenly have this pang of like anticipatory grief. I was like, and I said to him, I was like, listen, do you ever talk to him? So how old is Teddy? 14. How old do cats live for? We're getting into senior years now. Like, if you're lucky, 19, 20, but it's not unusual for sort of 16.

4:37Well, Nikki, my horse trainer, her dog, she just had to have it put to sleep. It was 20, a little duxy. Wow. I mean, that's a good story. An ode to cupcake. Well, good old cupcake. Yeah, Cupcake was 20. I want to hear stories of cats and dogs. Yeah, that is really amazing, actually, that live a long time. But I did. I said to him, listen, you need to be a good boy. You know, you need to look after yourself. Because I thought, I suddenly had this pang of what do I do when Teddy does this? You'd get another one. I would, actually, straight away. It fills a hole. No, I've always had pets. I've always had pets.

5:09But I did think of that. So anyway, if I did get another cat, I'll call it Luanna. Okay. There we go. How are you, my darling? The teddy afterlife. The teddy afterlife. Oh, don't. I couldn't. I'm good. Well, I'm very excited because it is Troxy this week. We are going full blown into rehearsals at the tail end of this week to deliver you our wonderful show, The Big Party. It's not a show. It's a big fat party with all of our wonderful fans. It's a party. I'm very buzzing for it. I do need to rehearse certain things that we're doing. So do we tell them? No. No, we keep it a surprise. because people have paid to come.

5:50We can't just give it to them. Let's just say, Lou and I, you know how we're frustrated performers and we do these shows purely because we like to show off. We've gone all out and to be fair, we're going to give a big homage here to producer Imo who literally, in the whole kind of writes a theme tune, sings a theme tune, he's basically done everything. We've got some fun little things to do. So we're buzzing about that, but also buzzing, a little teaser, a little underhand teaser there is even more Luana coming to you next year but you've got to be in it to win it you've got to be in the know to have a go you've got to be there or be spare and therefore do head to our website which is everythingluana.com and you need to sign up for our subscribers list because we do give first access to any new announcements to people on that subscribers list and it's quite simple it's a pop up it's very easy when you go on the website you'll see a pop up straight away yeah just put your deets in we don't spam you either don't worry we're not like spamming people like once a week we literally only use it for VIP big announcements so that you are the first so there is an announcement coming something's coming something's coming something big something huge and if you do want to be the first to get your hands on what might be coming then you do need to be first on that subscriber mailing list So once again, the website is everythingluana.com.

7:19It's a bit like Agenda. Oh, speaking of Agenda. I messaged her and she didn't message me back. And she messaged you and not me. I assume she messaged you too. I don't let people message me. Okay, well, big shout out. You're more accessible than me. Very, very accessible, guys. My DMs are open. So Isabel Lorna, who we talked about a couple of weeks ago in our news stories, the young lady Instagram star entrepreneur who does this who's created this new Filofax diary thing she sent the sweetest message to us saying thank you so much for the girl love the small business love on the pod and she did say she wondered why they had a massive spike in orders around midday on the day that our episode came out it was us and it was us our fans love Agenda and she very kindly full transparency she said she's gonna send us one she said I'd love to send you girls one and I said no No, we insist on paying.

8:12I don't know yet, but she said, and I went, no, she went, I insist on sending you as a thank you. So I've sent my address. I thought it was easy just to get to mine. Oh, I bet you did. Oh, I bet you sent your address. I don't know where you are half the time because then I can send it to Dubz for you or leave it here for when you're back. Well. Well. Well, well, well. Do you know what? You were smart because you actually described exactly the one you wanted. Yes. I've just left mine to potluck. Oh. But, you know. Well, don't be taking my really nice one then. No, you've admitted, you said and described the one you wanted.

8:44Yeah, so. But there you go. Well, I did message her after you sent me her message and she didn't reply. To be fair, she hasn't responded back yet. I mean, I think she gets a lot of messages. You know, it's public. She's very, very, very busy. Right, anything else to cover? General shit chat. But really do go to everythingnourine.com and sign up because we do have something super exciting to announce and it will be announced very soon. Basically, this week is a very exciting week and we cannot wait to see you if you are coming to the round of the big party on Saturday. And if you're not, don't worry, we will have the full debrief on the Monday.

9:19We are deliberately doing the debrief episode two days later so we can bring you all up to speed. So we're super excited. Yeah, and we are doing that actually. We are. And I should have been going to Belgium, guys, and I couldn't, I had to delay going to do that pod episode. This is how committed we are to you. Very committed. That is the one time I have put the pod ahead of my horses. Well, there you go. What else have you been up to? I went to the proms with my mum, which was very nice. Is it classical music? Do you know what? It almost does. I know we're going to go into recoseco in a minute, but this does sort of slightly eke into a sort of a mini recoseco.

9:56I'd forgotten how bloody relaxing classical music is. Oh, I always listen to classical music. Oh, it was beautiful. She wanted to go, actually props to my mum. She'd asked me a while ago if I wanted to come to proms with her, Royal Albert Hall. I love Royal Albert Hall. I like the Royal Albert Hall. I'll do anything in the Royal Albert Hall. It's really nice. Well, my dad was supposed to, she'd bought these tickets to it. And I didn't realise what a big deal trying to get tickets for the proms was. Really hard. So she'd got these tickets. My dad couldn't go. So she was like, would you come with me?

10:23And I was like, yeah, of course. And part of my new thing recently is spending more time with my parents. Quality time. Because she's always moaning at me that I'm never around for her. so we went up and plus I can drive her because she's a bit of a passenger princess so we went up she's of that age she's of that age exactly and she's a dignified lady she doesn't want to schlep so we went to the proms props to my mother because she's bougie but also she doesn't like heights so I was like where are these tickets then where are we sitting she was like oh I don't know we're here so it's quite vertical quite vertical yeah so we get in there oh she's one of the old dears got front row of a box oh oh as we walk into a little box with a little curtain and a little So I'm going to put your bag and your little coat.

11:02I was like, she went, yes, I don't do things by halves, darling. And I was like, bloody yes, mother. I thought we'd be in a crap seat, but no, we were in a bloody nice seat. See, you underestimated her. Mother Mary. Old Mother Mary. So it was beautiful, actually. It was Tchaikovsky and... Tchaikovsky. Tchaikovsky and the other one, I can't remember now. And actually, it was really lovely just to allow yourself to be taken away with music. I love classical tunes. Spot the absolute peasant in me. What did you do? Well, now, obviously, when you do these prom things, the new Tchaikovsky's, they're movements, aren't they?

11:42Movements. Well, movements as in, like, the sections of the song. Like, the piece, the musical orchestral piece is in split into parts. Oh, no, you started clapping, didn't you? Before the end. Is that what you're about to say? We're sitting there. Bravo! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no. Yep, yep. Exactly. Was that you? Yep. So everybody, absolute silence. It's so you. So me. And so we get to, you know, but you know what? I was, I suddenly got into this really nice, relaxed, kind of just letting the music take me. Got the old dear leaning over going, oh, I love the timpani. Oh, I love the timpani. I just love, love the timpani, mother, yes.

12:18She's very posh. And so, yeah, and I suddenly was aware that the music had stopped. And so just habitually. You started to go, wah! I was just like, oh. Yeah. And then obviously the other 8 ,000 people were in silence because they are sophisticated people that know that there's a 45-minute movement. And at the end, you wait until they finish the goddamn thing until you start clapping. Oh, babe. So, yeah, I did an ultimate faux pas. My mum did look at me and she did touch. Did she? She'd look. Was it a look of disgust? What have I raised? That. It was. No class. It was literally like, I've raised you better than this.

12:56I was like, you fucking have a mum. Anyway, it was bloody nice. And it sort of segues into Recoseco because I would really recommend you just go into any concert. I love music, any music. And you know what? The proms, classical at the Robert Halbert Hall. You will not regret it. Bish, bash, bosh. Bloody lovely, mate. I'd quite like to go. They do classical Ibiza. So good. At Hatfield House and stuff. Beautiful. I'd quite like to do that. I would, actually. Yeah, maybe we should do it. I don't doubt I'll be here. Maybe we should do it next year. Yeah, well, let's see when the lists are on and see what it's about because it was really lovely.

13:28So my recoseco this week is off the back of our Celine trip. I just want to recommend that you grab your besties and book a trip. Yes. Because it just was so good for the soul. We had the best time. And I really think that as women, we don't always do enough for ourselves. We're always like giving every inch of ourselves to everybody else in our family, to our parents, our partners, our children, our jobs. and we need to pull back something for us. So my recommendation this week is to just put a date in and that's what you have to do. You have to get the date and then just book it. So we sat, didn't we, on the back of the USR and we've got a date in to go to Carrie's house.

14:09And then to you. And then we've got a date in to you guys. You do need to book your flights. I've looked at them. Oh, have you? I have, yeah. Honey, honey. Honey, honey. And just get the date and do the booking. And also March, we've looked at Lisbon as well. We've got three potential girls trips in. Three potential girls. And I just think, get the date in because sometimes you think, oh, like March is so far away. But it's really not. We thought that a bit with Celine and it came around so quick. So fast. And we've all got kids and we're all like juggling and everything. But do do it for you ladies that are listening.

14:41Just for fun. Just for you. I love that Reco Seco. That's this week's Reco Seco. My Reco Seco for this week. What, you've just done it? The proms. Oh no, that was a mini one. Oh no, that was a mini Reco Seco. She's doubling down. Doubling down. So I've got another recoseco, though, which I'm going to go for a dish. Only because I mentioned... You were about to say dick. I'd like to recommend a dick. I'd like to recommend this particular penis. I think this penis, this schlong is fantastic. No, a dish, actually. I think I mentioned it a few weeks ago about a paella, like a tray-baked paella. Oh, yes, you did.

15:15And a couple of people went, oh, yeah, what is that? so because I basically haven't had a hob for ages because obviously I'm in Renault land just had the oven really really simple tray bake paella simplest thing and tastiest thing I think I've ever bloody done so really simple get a big tray like a lasagna dish tray or whatever put in it just roughly just chop up onion peppers so green red peppers and whole cloves of garlic like eight cloves of garlic oh I love a bit of garlic just stick those in the bottom of the pan And drizzle with some olive oil and salt and pepper. Then get some chicken thigh fillets.

15:51Or, yeah, you're out with the chicken. On the bone as well. Fillets. Oh, you said chicken thigh fillets. Yeah, yeah. Chicken thigh fillets. You fillet them off. What, isn't there a bone in there? Not if they're filleted, no. What, it's just a thigh without a bone? Yeah, it's filleted, yeah. So chicken thigh fillets and or chicken breast. Pop it on top. Yeah, better. Pop it on top. smoked paprika and a little bit of mixed herbs. That's it. Whack it in the oven. 15 minutes. Take it out after 15 minutes. Then pour in basmati rice all over the top. Don't you get paella rice? Or paella rice, but just basmati's easier and quicker.

16:28Is it the same thing, do you think? I've used all kinds of rice and it's all nice. I like rice. My preferred is basmati. Oh, it's your preferred? Over the paella? Yeah, and over just normal long grain. Interesting. Just pop it on, just so it sort of covers. Then get some chicken stock and then just cover the rice just so it's a little bit more stock than rice. Pat it all down. Oh, I put some chorizo in as well. Sorry. Oh, nice. Bit of chorizo. That's it. Shove it in the oven for 30 minutes on 180. That's it. Don't need to stir it. Don't need to do anything. You just take it out and you have the most perfectly beautiful, fluffy, fragrant chicken chorizo paella bake.

17:05Maybe I should try that for the old fam. Do your kids eat that? My kids would be fussy. They wouldn't eat that. Enzo will eat it. Elle won't. He likes chicken and rice. But it is so delicious and it's so quick and easy. I do it when I do the kids tea and then it's ready and lovely and it's cooled down nice enough for Alex and I just to scoff. Don't you ever get sick of making all these dinners? All the time. My mum didn't do that. My mum did. Did she make different meals? Yeah. Yeah. She was really good. That is good. Yeah. It's a lot though, isn't it? But she didn't work. I just didn't. Your mum worked.

17:35Yeah. My mum didn't work. Also, I just think like cooking every night. I get so sick. I get to four o 'clock and I'm like, what are we going to have for tea? And then it's the battle of you've got to have your veggies and your fruit. Bullshit. I mean, in Dubai, actually, it was quite bad. I do do a lot of delivery. Did you? Cheaper. It's cheaper to order delivery. Well, Andrew's always on this meal plan thing. To be honest, the nannies will make most of the time for the kids. So actually, you don't have to cook for the kids. Well, I do as well. But they'll eat like butter chicken. Chloe won't eat the chicken.

18:09but like curry, they will eat that. And they'll eat like pasta. And then we try and do a bit healthier. So we do like make your own wrap nights. Will they eat the same food? Because my two don't like the same food. Well, they will. So say if it's like make your own wrap night, India will have chicken and Klemia will have halloumi. Oh, right. But the cheese, the lettuce, the veg, they'll eat the same. But it is annoying. It's annoying. Enzo loves curry. He's in his curry phase. Oh, really? He's always been my fussy, like tricky eater. so now he's starting to expand his palette. Yeah, and Indy's being a bit better now.

18:43I think it's now their 10. I think it's an age, yeah, he's definitely got a lot better. But now Elle's in her, she's quite Italian in her food. She's very pasta, pizza. That's the same as Clemmie. Yeah, and there's a bit more. But now, it's just, yeah, every day. It's very annoying. Very annoying. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house. Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night.

19:18They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. It is now time for one of our favorite features. Also, sometimes slightly controversial, I said what I said. I said what I said. Right, let's see what you guys have been saying on the socials. Here we go. First up, I fucking love drinking a glass of milk. Yes, I am a grown-ass woman with responsibilities, but I love a glass of cold milk. Yes, I've even ordered in a bar. I have to admit, I do like a glass of milk. Do you? I can't think of any words. Of occasion, yes. Would you order it in a bar?

19:58No. Exactly. But I'll have it before bed, maybe. She said what she said. Oh, rank. Your child's age in months. Only until they are one. That's it. Then it becomes years, not months. Here's little Freddie. He's 30 months. No, he's not. He's two and a fucking half. It's so true. Like, why do people do that? So what I said, next one. No one, and I mean no one, needs to see your child's first day of school photos on social media. And before anyone says, but my family and friends want to see them, they've got your number. Send them the photo. I agree. It's too much. decorating your houses oh I do not agree decorating your houses for seasons is bullshit I love a season as much as Anna does but when the fuck did it become a thing that we'd decorate our houses for them fucking pointless orange throws and pillows that appear everywhere or bloody kind or pine cones strands of wheat or maple leaves just because it's autumn or in summer people throw all the nautical shitty things out all of a sudden we need to think we're at a beach oh and throw in this season theme wreaths on front doors I don't need a wreath to tell me it's spring I can just fucking look outside I'm gonna get back to Dubai and I'm gonna decorate my door what theme?

21:19Halloween's quite big in Dubai, is it? Yeah I'm gonna decorate my door outside my house and then in our community it's so good very organised in my community in Dubai I'm not used to neighbours am I? No But there's a Google form and you sign up for whether you're happy to receive trick-or-treaters. Oh, it's very organised. And then there's certain nights that you can trick-or-treat and then they send the houses what you can trick-or-treat at. And it's very organised. So this year I will be decorating Monacasa and I will be signing up on the Google form. And I will be decorating the golf buggy limo.

21:56and we will be going with friends, probably Lucy and Nicole, on the massive golf buggy that we've got. And yeah. Trick or treating Dubai stuff. In stark contrast, I will be up in Lake Windermere with the usual, if you're in, you've got a flipping shitty pumpkin stuck outside your door and some old granddad dressed up as a zombie on a deck chair with a can of tenants. I'm going for it. There's a place in Dubai and my Dubai girlies that are listening to this will either love or hate this place. it's called Dragon Mart it's basically China in Dubai oh just all Dubai all the Turk and you can you can get everything there can you from like an earbud to a sofa to a media wall to an electric bike to anyway I'm going to go there I'm going to get loads of Halloween decorations love love that when you're in Dubai yeah in January maybe we should do a little Luanna Dragon Mart no we should meet some fans maybe I just want to come and have a holiday yeah fuck that Anna's out Sorry girls that are in Dubai You might have had a fleeting moment of excitement But fuck that, she's not in Well it depends on the workload Right, this, men shouldn't do yoga or Pilates Their limbs are all stiff and creaky When they do downward dog or cat It gives me the ick As I have images of stuff hanging If you know what I mean She said what she said and that is what you're allowed to do It does give me the ick again No, it's hard, no, Papa Peter does his yoga three times a week And I'm here for Papa Peter and his yoga Therein lies the evidence.

23:27And he loves it and it keeps him fit and healthy. No, there's too many older men. My dad's 18 coming up. What is he? Yeah, and there's too many older men that are sedentary doing bugger all. And I love the fact. But most of my friends' parents don't do anything. My dad is very sedentary. So I'm so proud. Both my parents walk the dog for miles every day. Dad does his yoga three times a week. And honestly, it's so important today. Next one. This is great. I said what I said. Someone said crocs are vile. Disagree. I love a bloody croc I like a croc but I don't think they're very pretty but they are comfy we've all got a croc we've got a message from a non so Derry Hair Dear Luanamo, you gorgeous bonkers lot aka my pals I think it's clear by now that most of us genuinely feel like we're one of you and we'd love to join you for a Jackie P, a post pod goss or generally frolic around Louise's massive pad making tits of ourselves alas we must learn to love you from afar but please know as I'm sure you're very familiar with by now along with the rest I bloody love you and I wanted to send you all a big fat thank you for being so authentically yourselves effortlessly funny and caring in absolute spades you keep me company every single day at the moment thank you what a nice message oh that's so sweet really kind I can't wait to meet you guys on Saturday at the truck see That's so kind.

24:51We need to think of what we're wearing. Maybe we should think about that after this pod. There's quite a lot of admin we need to do. I think we need to have a chat after this. There's quite a few admins. Yeah, we do need to do a bit, yeah. Right. I think every Lou Fannian ponders what might make them weird. And quite honestly, the one slightly disturbing thing from my perspective after listening to a lot of your pod is that I can't quite believe how weird I truly am. I took a worrying amount of past weirdo of the weeks. And as the list increases, I question my sanity. and I'm beginning to feel quite revolted with myself.

25:23I've been wondering what to share with you and think I have a genuine weird thing rather than something gross and wonder if any other Lufanians might do this too. I've been making my way through the archive. Well done, Gold Star. And recently you've been talking a lot about wearing knickers in bed. Oh, grim. I'm a proud knicker wearer, but after your joint surprise that people do this, I naturally question myself. Soon after, a Lufanian wrote in to explain that wearing pants keeps her rather ample lettuce leaves situation under control. Fair. Which brought me to the conclusion that, yes, that could likely be the reason I wear them too, as I am also blessed with the danglies myself.

26:03Good for you. I hate them so much, by the way. They cause me genuine angst and misery as a team. However, there is another reason. When one gets hot at night, one tends to stick a foot out for some fresh air or wrap one's leg round one's duvet. That's right. I however being cursed with an inability to suffer with the slightest discomfort find this too extreme my legs feet or arms get too cold poking out compared to the rest of me being warm and cosy under the duvet therefore as a side sleeper strange habit seems to have developed I reveal my derriere carefully tucking the duvet in all around it so as not to let any drafts in any drafts the exposed buttocks seem to perfectly regulate my perimenopausal temperature issues and provide a balanced means of calling myself down.

26:49It works a treat. Everything else is nice and snug. It's just the arse that sticks out. And so now that I think about it, this is a rather strange calling technique. It requires a large pant to cover my shocking white arse and revolting letter sleeves that would inevitably protrude out. I also don't dare to give my husband any further encouragement to think that he's remotely invited to enjoy the area. So huge Bridget Joneses do just the trick. The knicker wearing is therefore essential in my world. I hear you. So does anyone else do this? I'm chuckling to the picture you might have of me in your head and I assure you I'm such a normal person.