'It's the ailment of the year'

0:00Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting, to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana.

0:38You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Corvana.com. This is a global production. Be warned, it's Luanna, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants, and general explicit content. But you know you love it. A sandwich bag full of melted ice cream and my jizz. I'm ticking the checkboxes below. Oh.

1:23Oh. Sorry, my arm's trapped and I didn't want to ruin the moment. He said he could take me home on one condition. Here we go. What is it, Lou? Oh, my God, there's an actual chod on the wall.

1:46Hey, guys, Ada here. Now, listen, I'm on my chod today. And as always, at Luanna Lam, we like to keep things authentic and keep you guys in the loop. Now, but listen, can you believe in eight years of Luanna, we've actually very rarely been off with a sick day. We've had Zisman going through the tramadol era, as I like to call it, the broken knee, the broken back. But this week, it basically took its toll. So we will be having the ailment of the year, I reckon, when we are back next week. But yeah, she's feeling pretty under the weather. Um, so, um, she needs a little bit of a rest. I am absolutely going to be the lazy bastard that I am and take one as well.

2:32But of course, it's all about you guys. And we would never, ever, ever leave you without your weekly dose of rants, bants and explicit content. Um, so sit back, relax, enjoy. I'm going to as well with a cuppa for you. Uh, I have personally put this together. That's such a lie. Our team have obviously done it. Uh, but we are going to present to you our absolute favourite laugh out loud moments of Luanna. we will of course see you next week guys funny names from a non so we've called you Tashcombe Tashcombe Tashcombe it's like a moustache oh right I just didn't find it that funny did we Tashcombe growing up I knew my great aunt as Aunty Clit she's dead now I never questioned it as I didn't know what a clit was then found out when I was older that she was known as Aunty Clit as her name was Joy Button Stop it.

3:25Stop it. That's brilliant. And the whole family called her Auntie Clit. Never seen wind until I got older. What a family. What a great name. Great. Joy Button. Auntie Clit. Auntie Clit it is. That is so good. That is superior, actually. That is like... Excellent. I want to be part of that family. Yes, what a good sense of humour that family has. Love it. I have got a really quick rant. I'm aware that we've been going on for a long fucking time. Doesn't matter. It's been a good ep. I loved it. Right, let me tell you. I'm going to name in shame a business now. Oh, okay. Can I just say? They're fucking illegal.

3:57Memo to lawyers. Here we go. Because, right, my inbox was full, okay? What do you mean? Well, I got the thing, your inbox is full. Because I'm really bad at any kind of life admin. I just let them all fucking clog up. And anyway, now... It's like full of spam, you mean? Spam, it's just bullshit. Look at fucking... Like newsletters. And can I just say, so now a new email comes in. Look, I'll go to it. Here's one that's come in. Click on it. There's a new thing. Unsubscribe from this mailing list. Unsubscribe. Unsubscribe. And then I unsubscribe. And then I delete. Yeah. Do you know how many brands I've been having to do this?

4:35I haven't signed up. I haven't signed up. Anyway. So it's an opt out. Here's another one. Right. There is this one brand. White Fox Boutique. Okay. I think they're not in this country. I think I bought some shit for Dixie months ago. Yeah. I keep. I have unsubscribed 16 times now and they keep fucking emailing me. I don't want your fucking emails. And every time I do it, look, I'm going to click again right now. Here we go. Ready? Because this just came in. Stop it. Again, another fucking email. Unsubscribe. Then it takes me to their annoying fucking website. Don't want to buy any of your shit.

5:10Hey, babe, breakups are hard. We're sad to see you go. If you're sure this is really over, you can unsubscribe by unchecking. I have. Unticking the checkboxes below. oh

5:37yes Yes, it's...

5:46I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I just farted with laughter. But the print supplies the same. White Fox Boutique, I take it back. It turns out it's the first time I've read your annoying blab and I have been checking both SMS and emails. and pressing update. So I have been resubscribing. I'm not unsubscribing, apparently. Well, why? Why do they say untick? It should be tick and then update, shouldn't it? Can I just say, if Social Media Manager Bex doesn't do a zoom in on the... Oh, if ever that was, and the penny has dropped meme, I don't know what was. Oh, Lou, you're an absolute ledge. What a card.

6:37Well now live I'm unsubscribing because I kept wondering update I've unchecked if I get emails after I've now unchecked This could be a part two rather So basically I've been thinking I've been unsubscribing they've been really pissing me off you don't understand it's been driving me in fucking sane to the point where I was going to call them up and I was going to be like I keep unsubscribing and you keep hearing me turns out no I was wrong well that's been great Right, message from Benji next. Train toilet poo party, it says. Brilliant. It says, I'll keep this short and pootifully sweet. Thank you to the lady sharing her traumatic train toilet story last week and congratulations on unlocking a clearly repressed memory from me.

7:23I was riding a train home from London Bridge with an hour to go, absolutely dying for a wee, when I thought I'd brave the train toilet. Oh, what a mistake. The door slid open and I was greeted by what I can only describe as a poo party. What? Oh. Oh. Turds galore. Next to the sink on the wall, on the ceiling. What the fuck? East to their own. But I've never thought, hmm, my log would look better. I was a bit of wall decor. Ew. Safe to say I didn't go for a wee in the end. Oh, no. Poo pickies are attached. Lots of love, Benji. Oh, no. Here we go. Do we dare? I'm half hiding my eyes. Go on, Emma.

7:59Oh, Lou, I mean, sorry. You're doing. Oh, my God. There's an actual chod on the wall. And then nuggets on the sink. Oh, this is making me want to vomit. No, stop. Go, Lou. Oh, no. Lou's about to throw. I can't watch it. It was the tissue stuck to the wall. Oh, gosh. Oh, no. There's one in the corner. Oh, no. It's like a spider, but it's not. It's a poo. And another poo. I mean, this is a... Oh!

8:30That person must have been on drugs. Why would you do that? Who does that? What kind of people are walking amongst us? Do you know what? I feel really sorry for the poor person that's got to clean that. That's, I think, I mean, you'd have to go in actually with like a power jet. Jet wash. That's what I was just thinking. And a full hazmat suit, whatever you call it. Then that causes a train delay. What is wrong with people? We've got Toby back, the Santa stomper. Toby says, girls thank you so much for reading out my story of when i abused the santa with a foot fetish oh my gosh what made this even better was watching louisa read this out on youtube and almost reenacting it with her fans lufanians please go and watch it now it was updated on april the 23rd you can watch us on youtube guys every wednesday and friday yep that's right there it is so go back and you can watch the santa stomping story lovely uh it says i was wondering what to write in with this time and I can think of another time where I was paid during my poor student nurse phase get your waterproofs ready you're gonna get wet oh my gosh when I was in on my final break from uni I went back home to see friends and family before qualifying I spent a whole weekend drinking with my friends and before I knew it days have passed and I was trollied on a Tuesday lunchtime in my local pub I'd spent all my money and I couldn't get a lift home so time to get creative with the gays.

10:01I went back on Grindr to see if there would be any kind soul or hole that would want to give me a lift. Oh, you're such a mix. After a few messages here and there, this guy popped up who had been pestering me to meet with him. He said he could take me home on one condition. Here we go. What is it, Lou? On the drive home, he wanted to stop off somewhere so I could piss on him. He said he'd pay me for this and even he sent me a price list for services. Oh, right. When he quit to piss on him. It's all right. Yeah. A tenner for letting him blow me. Oh, nice. Make some money. There were even options for number twos and no, I did not want to participate in anything poo related.

10:45It's a hard line. He picked me up from a nearby Tesco, handed me 20 quid. Nice. We drove to a wooded area and yet again I thought I was going to die. It's risky, Lou. Thankfully, I knew the area and it was in the middle of the day. So we hid away in a secluded bushy area and got to it. I flopped. Wallop. Oh, you're right, Anna. Getting excited now. I flopped it out and the fucking nerves got to me. Nothing would happen. Oh, no. It was dead. Oh. I used to get Peasheye in public toilets and I think it was my brain going into this silly headspace. Or the fact that you're thinking about to get killed in the middle of a wood.

11:21I even thought to myself, this guy has paid you to piss on him. No wood in the wood. Still no luck. I encouraged the guy to suck on it a little to see if that would help. Then, out of nowhere, the dong began to grow. This isn't what he wanted, though. However, when he saw my cock in all its veiny glory, he was down for it. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Gobble, gobble, gobble. That's my turkey impression. When the deed was done, we were about to leave the bushes. Bushes. Bushes. We were about to leave the bushes when it happened. The need to pee. Side note, male listeners will know this feeling after ejaculating.

11:58Yes, girls. It's a common thing. So we've heard, yes. Thank you for the education. I pushed him back to his knees and told him to open wide. And then I'm peeing. He ended up drinking most of it. And he only wore a little bit. He had his worksuit on and was actually on his dinner break. So he didn't want to get too drenched. end scene. We strolled back to his car casually chatting about life as if I hadn't just used him as a human urinal and then he took me back home in perfect time in two as my parents had just cooked dinner. So I was only 20 quid richer this time, didn't charge him for the blowy, but I had fun and so did he.

12:35Thanks for sharing another chapter of my Naughty Nurse Diaries. This is becoming a feature, Toby's Naughty Nurse Diaries. Thanks also for this amazing podcast. You all put so much fun and effort into making as much effort as he puts into peeing. In someone's face. And we love you. Although the bit recently where you mentioned picking up leftover cigarettes did make me question my love for Luana. Only kidding. Love, Toby. XOXL. I mean, Toby, can we just say thank you. Thank you. Hi both. Love you. Love the pod. It definitely keeps me entertained whilst I'm working. Please keep this anonymous as I'm pretty sure my ex listens to your pod.

13:15I'd only just come out as a lesbian and in the haste of finally being out to the world, I got with a girl my friend had introduced me to. I went on a date and I went back to hers. Whilst making my way to the southern region, I noticed the funky smell. Oh no. I thought nothing of it as we had been on the tube and London tube hot waff is a thing. But I think I'm really boring now because I do like a clean body before I get down to business. Oh babes, I ain't got anywhere near it. Unless I'm really pissed. I don't like rolling in and not having a wash or them having a wash. No, you've got to be having a wash.

13:46I say them. I'm not sleeping with other people. I mean my husband. Yeah, you've got to have a clean. You've got to have a clean gooch. Yeah, I just don't want to. You've got to have a clean gooch. Listen to this. It's too good to miss. Oh, no. Rude on. There we are. So she went, London tube hoff-woff is a thing. Yes, it is. When she opened her legs, I couldn't help but notice as the lips parted. Oh, well, I can only describe as being. Have you experienced this, am I? She has. She has. No, I haven't. As being stringy, melted cheese clung to both of her lips. Yeah, that's the yeast. She was probably ovulating.

14:23That's ovulation slime. It's like the snot. Yeah. Desperate. It's the egg white stuff, isn't it? Desperate to be polite and not offend, I held back the urge to gag and asked if she could go and clean up. Oh, she did. When she came back, I finally arrived downstairs with the first lick. I noticed a strong salty taste as if I was licking a horse's salt lick. The hoof. You know about the hoof. No longer able to hold back heaving, I heaved, which really upset her. Oh no, that's really bad. I feel really sorry for both of them. She asked what was wrong in a really timid voice. Not knowing what to say and becoming more and more anxious, I've alerted...

15:04This is so awkward. So awkward. Do you eat a lot of salt? She was furious with me asking what kind of question that this was. So I decided to leave as I was not going to go back down there. Upon walking past her mother, who I did not realise was downstairs, I got asked, is everything okay? Before I could open my mouth and say anything, the girl shouted downstairs. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh. She said my pussy tastes like salt.

15:33I ran out of the house. and I immediately called my friend who introduced us and told her the story. This girl has been dubbed the Salt Lake and every now and again, my best friend will hide a salt packet in my bag. God, I love lesbian humour. I hope this gave you a laugh. The mum's in the kitchen. Everything I want. She says my pussy smells like salt. Tastes like salt. It's a salt lake. Can I just say the second hand... I could have chowed down on that. The secondhand embarrassment and everything is real. Oh my gosh. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home.

16:16From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com

16:39Okay, I've said it before. I'm going to say it again because people didn't get the fucking memo. If you are going on holiday and your luggage comes around the carousel, you don't need to stand within an inch of the carousel. Also, what's worse is your fucking rug rat children near the carousel. Make your children step the fuck back. I say it to my kids all the time. Why are you trying to stand near there? You're getting in the way. I'm going to take you out with my bag. I did it, didn't I? I'm friends. I told you. I took someone out with my fucking bag. She did. You don't need to stand next to the carousel.

17:18If everybody just stands the fuck back two metres. Look at the lines, Lou. Look at the lines. Right, but you can stand back. you can see when your bag is coming out. When you clock your bag, eyes, lock on, bag, coming round. Step forward. Step forward, it's my turn. Remove bag, fuck off and walk away. What doesn't help is the belt wankers, okay, they're standing, no one can see whether their bag's coming out. Classically gyrating. Their fucking kids are there. Like, why are your kids there standing so close to the belt? They're not going to pick up a bag. They're not going to pick up a bag. They're not going to pick up a 23 kilogram bag.

17:53Exactly. Fuck off with your kids, your annoying, snotty kids. And trolleys. And your trolley. This is my protocol. The belt protocol. Do it. Right. Okay. Number one. Yes. Stand two metres back from the belt. Number two. Put your trolley another one metre back from the belt. Correct. Number three. Sit your kids down on the seats that are conveniently located close to the belt. Sit down. They can sit there. Get the fuck out. Number four. You lock on your bag. It's coming round. Move forwards. You stand near the belt. Your bag comes. You take your bag. You remove it. You put it on the trolley. Then you stand two metres back again.

18:35The next bag. Eyes locked on. You go forwards. You get the bag. You don't need the whole fucking plane of 300 people standing. Dry humping the belt. Like sardines next to the belt. Everyone's dry humping the belt. Belt wankers. Fuck off. There's a fucking protocol and it pisses me off. and then you're fighting to get through. Their bag isn't even there. So why are you standing close to the belt? Not even there, Lou. And do you know what I do? I whip my fucking bag. I stand back and then I march forward through that crowd. I part it like Moses parted the fucking sea. And I get my bag and I whop it off like that.

19:12And then it hits people on the way out. I'm fucking happy and I don't apologise because you're a belt wanker and you deserve to be hit by my overweight Samsonite suitcase. go fuck yourself. Beltwankers, you have been told. It's holiday season. This is an issue. Back off. It's a major fucking issue. Back off. I'm hot now. It's a good rant. It's a great rant. I have noticed something. The Daily Mail have stolen from me and they have rebranded. I have been talking about Beltwankers for a long time. Two years plus. Longer. Much longer. Much longer belt wankers. So belt wankers are the people that get off the plane and they stand right next to the belt.

19:57So you can't see your luggage. If your luggage comes round, they're in the way. The front row kinos. Yeah, they are. And they are called belt wankers. Now, earlier this week... And Lou did absolutely coin that, by the way. I did. You know what? We spoke about it on the pod that shall not be named. Stop it. See? So back in the day... Eight years I've been bleating on about that. Eight years. Lou has done this. How dare, how dare the Daily Mail, I see it. I saw a headline. What do you see, Lo? What do you see? Are you a luggage lounger? What? The infuriating airport trend that leaves passengers seething.

20:38What? Honestly. What trend? Are you joking? They go on to say that these people, you know, stand in the way of the belt despite their bags not even arriving yet. Yeah, belt wankers, Dame. I've been talking about this for years, you fucking thiefs. They've put, they are luggage loungers, a term thought up by the Daily Mail to describe travellers who lounge around and wait for their luggage right by the carousel, sometimes even leaning against it, causing annoyance to others who are trying to retrieve their cases. I'm fuming. Well, I'm fuming too. I'm fuming for you. So, here's the travel reporter.

21:19You are shit because this was my term of phrase. I'm sorry, but luggage lounges has absolutely zero ring to it. It's very tame. And you've been fiddling with my phrases. the thing my coined phrase is, they are belt wankers. They have been belt wankers for a long time. Everybody knows that they're belt wankers. Nobody wants to say luggage loungers. What kind of airy-fairy snowflake shit is this thinking she's fiddling up? She can go and fiddle herself and fuck off and not claim my thing. It's actually pissed me off. As if the Daily Mail weren't the worst for plagiarism anyway. Well, there you go.

22:02And now they're trying to rebrand great phrases that I've made up. Which we all know. Pass it off as their own. Who do they think they are? Luggage loungers. Go fuck yourselves. Wow. Sorry, but no. What kind of reporting is this? It's bottom. Clearly not Lufanians. It's the dregs. Clearly not Lufanians, Lou. Not Lufanians. I bet she's about 20 years old, some kind of millennial. Oh, a luggage lounger. Come on, say it how it is, belt wanker. Belt wankers. I would like to nominate myself for the weirder of the week. Well, my husband has told me that I should because he thinks I'm weird. I just think it's hilarious.

22:42Anyway, my favourite bedtime activity, this isn't going where you think it is, when my husband least expects it, insert my fingers into my fanny and rub the contents of my fanny across my husband's forehead while shouting.

23:01Simba! she inserts her fingers into her fanny rubs the contents of her husband for going sip oh my god full disclaimer I'm currently five months pregnant and as all my fellow females who have been pregnant will know it's like a waterfall down there at the moment much to my amusement and my husband's despair please keep me anonymous as we're both police officers give me a name and as it feels weird using one of my dead nan's names whilst talking about my discharge. Love you. I mean, not as weird as you literally wiping discharge on your husband's forehead and yelling Simba. Simba. Oh my God. I love the little quirks that people do in relationships.

23:42So funny. Could you imagine if we wiped our discharge over our husband's foreheads or wives' foreheads, Imo? They'd probably punch us in the face.

23:53Stories about my mum and dad and their annoying habit of poking each other's bums. this sounds like the kind of thing we do i've seen tiktoks about it i'm so assuming it's not as weird as it sounds they've done it as long as we can remember uh walking up the stairs etc a few years ago my mum and dad went on a holiday with my mum's best friend and her husband where the men played golf in the day and my mum and her bestie lived their best lives by the pool at the beach etc i know where i'd rather be one day the men had finished playing golf and met my mum and her friend by the pool where my mum was asleep on her front on a sun lounger i'm sure you probably guessed where this is going and yes my dad poked her in the actual bum full on down the bikini bottoms and all i think it's funny i think it's really funny this is like dry humping your husband at the dishwasher isn't it i'll just take a second to character reference my dad here he's very quiet and respectful definitely not the type to sexually assault someone by the ball i think it's a bit strong i agree i mean this is just playful bans yeah consensual bans my mum is also not the type to wear bikinis.

24:56That's right. My dad had put his finger. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. That's right. My dad had put his finger down a random lady's bikini bottoms while she slept by the pool. Oh, no. Mum and her friend witnessed the whole thing from the other side of the pool, including the lady's husband then coming up to my dad while my mortified dad was trying to explain his mistake. They were German so language barrier made my dad's apologetic hand gestures even funnier. Everyone can laugh about it now and the lady was in the back of a photograph so we saw how much she did look like my mum. We laugh about it all the time but my dad doesn't as I don't think he's ever gotten over it.