'Let's do a UK road trip!'

18:18Anna Williamson:Diddle-a-dun-duh Pitchy, pitchy Have you got any Savlon, Lou? Have you got any Savlon? Oh, you need Suda cream, though. Yeah, that'll do. Have you got any Savlon kicking around? I have got some. Do you want some immediately? No, it's fine. We could do it after this record, maybe. It's a fly in here. I know, it's really annoying. I've seen it buzzing around. Kill it, kill it! No, don't, because it's actually Frederick, and he's always in here. Pretty. and sometimes he comes and sits like on my hand no Lou I know you want to save pigeons but we're not saving flies it's Frederick the fly I'm smashing that shit no he was sat on your blouse yeah I told you sit on you Frederick bastard fly sometimes when I go to the toilet there he is yeah because he wants his poo when I go to the toilet I just scoop a little bit of poo with my finger down and I bring it back for him and I feed him it reminds me of Mary Poppins in the Robin brilliant And I go like that.

19:17Louisa has a pet fly. Anyway. Anyway. Moving on. Yeah. This was sent to me by a few people. Hang on. What? We didn't do it. What? Did you know? No, we've already sung. We've done that because we sang it really pitchy. Having a real ADHD. I can tell. Done that. I can tell. Welcome back to Earthly. Hello. A few people sent me this. Go on. What is it? Tell me now. This is how it's been going. Stick a gag on her, please. What's wrong with you? Just tell us already. Female octopuses. Don't speak. I know. Sorry. I just got out. Okay. Female octopuses throw... Shouldn't that be octopi? I don't know. Throw objects at annoying males who refuse to leave them alone and persistently try to mate with them.

20:05Girl after our own. They've got the right idea, haven't they? Boys are annoying. Throw rocks at them. I wish people wanted to mate with me so I could throw objects at them. I long for the day. Yeah, no one wants to mate with us anymore, Lou. It's quite sad, really. I always used to get hit on, and now I don't.

20:19Anna Williamson:So did I, actually. I am now pathetically grateful. I am pathetically grateful. I like a wolf whistled. Oh, right. Actually, this will be coming out on the telly very soon. I knew it, my man. I wrote this. No, do you know what? I want to be wolf whistled at by lechy men, okay? And you don't. That's your choice. I'm not going to lie. I don't mind a compliment. See? We like it, and you don't. it's a generational thing this is how sad did I say this the other week again I'm now having a moment oh no but oh we've run out of tissues no we haven't this is how sad and pathetic I have now become and it's going to be on the telly and I'm sure the editor will probably use it just because I look like a total knob and embarrass myself but one of our celebs we've forgotten celebs go dating it's on very soon guys is the lovely Louis Russell he's from Too Hot to Handle very very handsome boy is that an American show?

21:09Anna Williamson:yes and no is he mixed race? yes am I allowed to say mixed race? Yes, you can. Oh, thank God for that. He's lovely, but he came in. He's quite hot, isn't he? Very, very gorgeous. I think he's on another show at the minute on Netflix. Yes, he is. Is it Battle Camp? Yes. Very good looking boy. Yes, it is. Been watching Battle Camp with the kids. Well, he came in. So I've done a lot of work with Louis and I adore him. Can we also just say I know who someone is? Can I just say I'm absolutely amazed that you know this. Yes. Congratulations. And he came in and we were setting him up on some dates for someone.

21:41Anna Williamson:Gotta keep watching the show. and we were trying to figure out someone from today and then he went, I want someone like, he went, I want someone facey. Yeah, he went, I want someone facey. So Paul and I being slightly old, we were like, facey? And he's like, you know, facey. Facey when we were young. If you were facey, it means you, if she's a bit facey, it means you had a lot of attitude. Oh no, now it means. In a bad way. Facey means you've got a really lovely face, like you're really hot. And he went, I want someone facey. He went, like Anna. Well, I sat there. Like Niacra Fools. I went, oh my God.

22:12Anna Williamson:I went bright red. Stop. I couldn't, because this is how sad and pathetic it is, Lou. I don't think I've had a compliment like this in a long time. Babs, you're beautiful. Paul looked at me and was just like, oh my God, look how excited she is to hear that. And I was like, thank you. Well, he is quite a good looking guy. And he's such a sweetie. He is good looking. He is. And he's a very, very nice lad. So you can't tell us if he put the D in the V. Can't tell you, mate. But watch the series or we'll be revealed. He has a lot of highs and lows in this series. let me tell you. But anyway, the fact that Louis said I was facey, not going to lie, made my fucking life.

22:47Anna Williamson:See, Imo, just wait till you're old like us. That's not a catcall. No, it was a lovely, sweet compliment. Well, it's similar. He went, someone facey like Anna. It's fine. Moving on. Why don't you like being catcalled? I just, I don't think it's a nice thing to do. I think it's a compliment. It's not a power move. It is a power move. It's not. It's very frowned upon to do catfilling and whistling. What do you think about having a little wolf whistle as you walk down the street? It can be quite predatory. She said it depends on the person. It's not a thing. Yeah, I know it's not a thing. I am sad and grateful.

23:23Anna Williamson:I am too. It depends on the context. We're like, please give us a wolf whistle. Well, Louis Russell said I was facey. I was tickled bloody pink. Sometimes I walk past building sites five times. With her skirt round her waist. Back and forth, back and forth. Going wolf whistle at me. and they're scared now to do it because of people like you and then people like me suffer and then we get low self esteem such low self esteem suffering from low self esteem because woke people like you have stopped the cat calling I mean it's a strong statement I think Imo is actually in the majority but I think you and I have just confessed we don't mind a little whistle I want to hear from Lufanians on the cat can we put this on our socials cat calling yay or nay Lou and Anna don't mind a cat call.

24:13The three categories are actually, Louise is disappointed if she doesn't get wolf whistled at. Anna is quite grateful. Quite grateful. And Imo is horrified. Which one do you sit in?

24:25Anna Williamson:Yeah. That speaks volumes about our personalities actually. Not in a bad way. Imo's the most self-assured. I'm the most insecure. And I'm just like, I'll just take whatever I can get. Well-rounded. hello producer mo just uh dropping in here after all that lovely lovely catcalling chat um just to say that um catcalling is actually a findable offense so we're really not encouraging anyone to catcall um please that would be great um we don't want you all getting fined so please don't catcall even if you might like it to be catcalled at don't do it okay that would be great okay thank you bye right some messages come on then let's go Howard what are you saying he is a man fan and he wants the grandad name Howard so he says I need your help to reconnect me with another Lou Funnier oh is this like a little surprise surprise Oh, it's like the Metro, you know, when they used to do, do they still do that in the Metro?

25:34Lonely hearts. I don't know. I don't commute to London anymore because I'm lazy. So we built a studio in my house. Right. I tried to keep it as short as I can, but in a nutshell, I had an early flight from Manchester Airport in July of 2024. So I went to the airport the night before, just hung out and got a bit too merry. How's that for you? at some point of the night I met this guy Sir Howard's gay man and we got chatting then chatting got to snogging in one of the lifts go on then going up and down constantly in the lift it was like a film we spent the whole night together until we obviously had to part ways and get our flights we swapped numbers and kept in contact until I lost my phone at a festival along with his number I think about him and what he's up to sometimes and hate to think that he thinks I just ghosted him.

26:29I also know we had a long-drawn conversation about how much we love this podcast. So without naming names, I'd like to think if he is listening, he will know it's him. Unless snogging in lifts in airports happens to everybody. But I certainly wasn't expecting it. I love you guys and look forward to listening on my next flight, which is very soon. I wonder what I'll get up to this time. so if in July of 2024 you were at the airport that evening and you hooked up with a guy in a lift that loved our podcast too you kept in contact with him get in touch with us get in touch Luanna at everythingluanna.com send us a voice note if it's easier 07745 266 947 there she is and just let emo know if that was you and we will reconnect you we will reunite you live on the pod okay what a lovely one we like being

27:20Anna Williamson:this is good this is feel good This is Luanna Love. Right, message from Anonymous. So Erin. Hi, ladies. I'd love some advice on how to deal with this. It's eating me up. I will try and keep it short. Gobble, gobble. But strap in. Strap on. Okay. My best friend and I are both married with kids, but we have somehow... Oh. Wow. My best friend and I are both married with kids, but we have somehow fallen for each other. Over the years, we have known each other. We have always been close. We spend time together, just us and also with our families. I spend time with his wife and my husband spends time with him.

27:56Oh, so it's heterosexual. Yes. Oh, I thought they were girl best friends.

28:02Anna Williamson:Yes. He is a great, oh, I see, right. He's a great friend, right. Yeah, I was with you as well. We have supported each other through a lot. But over the last six months, things have changed. We have been chatting a lot more, sharing more with each other. We are both experiencing similar issues in our marriages and we have bonded more over this. About a month ago, we went for a coffee like we often have. And the way we were looking at each other and how we were interacting felt different. Since then, we have spoken to say that we think we are falling for each other. We both decided that this cannot go any further.

28:33Anna Williamson:We said that we cannot control how we feel, but we can control how we deal with this. Correct? Very sensible. Very. Neither of us want to have an affair and neither of us want to leave our partners. we have tried to distance ourselves from one another and have tried not speaking but we always seem to gravitate towards one another and we're each other's support network both of us are working on things in our marriages but the way we feel about each other is undeniable we can't not see each other our families and children of friends i'm not sure if there's anything we can do we can't be together but sometimes it feels like we can't be apart i have they dreamed about how life would be with him and he says he has done the same thing about me this isn't just a physical attraction thing it runs deeper than that this can't happen but how can we continue to be friends we absolutely do not want to destroy our friendship or our marriages but we have both fallen for each other hard i hate that i'm feeling like this when i love my husband we have been together since we were teenagers but i can't stop thinking about the best friend it's tearing me apart and i hate the person i am right now what can i do anything nothing please be honest i need some guidance thanks so much oh it sounds like you're trying to be really sensible but you're both like really emotionally torn you can't help how you feel this is really really difficult I mean the first thing I would say is I do a lot of work in affairs and like I think you're really sensible and right to stop at everything you can to not get into an affair because it will only get more messy I think really if you've had a period of time apart from each other if you can try just to see if those feelings are genuinely real I think you have to just be honest about your feelings but what I would suggest is if this is something that you feel you can't kind of get over as in the effect as in the the attraction for each other get under no but make sure you you finish that relationship first before you do enter into something there because unfortunately there is no easy way through this do you know what I think I think you're both going through the same thing in your marriage which is quite common at certain points in a marriage and it just so happens that you're both going through that at the same time so you're leaning on each other more and you're opening up to each other more and actually if one of you wasn't going through that and one of you was happy in your marriage and the other wasn't these feelings wouldn't be there right because it's you're both going through and feeling the same thing at the same time and actually if you weren't going through that in your marriages would you feel like that about each other probably not so I think it is wise to separate for a bit and work on your marriages because what you might find it see if you can yeah at least see if you can the niggles in yours might be resolved and you will then feel differently about your husband which will then make you feel differently about him and equally he could go and work on the things in his and it says you are both working on that and then that shift would happen again which would mean you do just need that time apart and then you could go back to being friends as you were before because I always think it's only happened because both of you are feeling the same way in your relationship so you're looking for what you're lacking in something else and it happens that you're both lacking at the moment in that so definitely distance um and just see each other with your other half and then yeah like you know re-evaluate in six to nine months about your own marriages but do try and work on those first because you do go through ups and downs in your marriage you do everybody does and you know people that say that they don't have quite frankly lying and it's just whether you um and I always think in a marriage if you're both it always works unless you're both feeling the same way at the same time and you both want to throw the towel in if there's no one else involved you know what i mean um because you have to you it's to lose point exactly that there is to to have feelings of someone else it's typically because there is something gapingly lacking and actually my work in affairs tells me that one of the main reasons for people seeking solace in someone else is due to emotional intimacy or a lack of so that's where you really need to start is with your existing marriages to lose point you need to you can't fully focus on that if you're clouding each other with each other's presence and yes it might feel awkward and difficult because obviously the families interact but as best you can you have to try and separate that look at those individual marriages and work on the emotional intimacy the emotional connection figure out if it is there can it be because it's very difficult to be able to work on that if someone else is is clouding your mind yeah but if you figure out that actually because it but also i do i have work people when there is a connection a genuine connection and that's an unfortunate one but you don't want to start a new relationship with it being an affair and an overlap so if that is a decision you come to you need to be honest with your spouses about this is where the situation is it's a really shit thing to do but it's a far better thing to do than than getting caught up in an affair really tough one I think you need to ask yourself some really good questions around your marriages and you need to be honest with your spouses around what is lacking in your marriage good luck good luck babes

33:32we've got a message from Danny says hi I've been meaning to send this in for ages this happened during the winter my story is not about a rat and a tree but a mouse and a hedge oh remember when the rat got stuck in the tree oh yes we have a young cat who likes to bring her kill to the bedroom and start throwing it around in a playful manner. This isn't nice at the best of times, let alone at three in the morning. So when she woke me with all her leaping about, I just grabbed the mouse by the tail and chucked it out the window. Result, cat wandered off. Then, just as I drifted back to sleep, she appeared again with what I assumed was the same mouse.

34:06And in my sleepy state, I had literally just put it out the window and it had landed on the floor outside, which she then retrieved or a second mouse she retrieved in the space of 10 minutes, which either means we have a great cat or a mouse problem. Anyway, this time I thought I really needed to chuck this mouse now so she buggers off and I can sleep. Side note, I'm also of the age and very aware if I wake up too much that that will be it and I won't fall back asleep. Oh God, that's what ageing does. At the back of our house, only five foot from the house, we have a stone wall and a hedge at the top so it's high up and level with our bedroom window.

34:44I knew I needed to really lob it to get it over the hedge. So I did that. The cat buggered off and even better, I did manage to get back to sleep. Next morning, open the curtains and hang in from the brambles with said mouse. It's just that bit too far to reach and get rid of. But I thought, oh, it's fine. Something come along and eat it or it'll fall down in the wind and rain. Nope. That mouse hung on that branch for 10 weeks. Very clearly. My children even started saying hello to it. Updating family members on its status, it did not move until the hedge was cut by the local farmer. It sort of became part of the family, that mouse.

35:25It's a poor little corpse hanging there. I've attached a picture. I'm surprised the bird didn't sweep down the gutter. I've attached a picture. It might not be as impressive as the rat in the tree, but I feel the mouse deserves this little story from Danny and Summer. Oh, it's massive.

35:40Anna Williamson:It's huge. That is a massive mouse. That's the biggest mouse I've ever seen. It's like a guinea pig. That's massive. Like a guinea pig in a tree. It's like a ferret. Right, we'll put that on our socials. Thanks for the story. And remember, if you want to get in touch, you can email us, Luanna, at everythingluanna.com. You can also drop us a WhatsApp on 07745 266 947. Right, newsy bit. This is a nice little headline. Give new dads six weeks off work at nearly full pay. MPs say. Now the UK statutory parental leave system is one of the worst in the developed world and has fundamental flaws, says a group of cross-party MPs.

36:19Anna Williamson:That report has been published by the Women and Equalities Committee and said that paternity leave rules entrench outdated gender stereotypes. I would agree. It added that bold action is needed but warned that any changes would require significant investment. That is the problem though. That's the problem. That's what I was about to say. Who's going to pay for it? We all want it, but as you say, where does the moolah come from? Now, in 2003, Statshu Paternity Leave allows most new fathers and second parents in the UK to take up to two weeks off work. That's right. It's not long, is it, two weeks of the new baby?

36:54Anna Williamson:No, it applies to all partners, regardless of gender, after the birth, surrogacy or adoption of a baby. Now, those eligible receive£187.18 a week or 90 % of their average earnings, whichever is lower. So this works out as less than 50 % of the national living wage and fathers are ineligible for statutory paternity leave if they are self-employed or earn less than£123 a week. Wow, so you can't get it if you're self-employed. You're quite gatekeeped, aren't you? The report says this is completely out of kilter with the cost of living and suggests that the government should consider increasing paternity pay to 90 % or more and paternity leave to six weeks in a phased approach.

37:33Anna Williamson:Interesting. what do we think about paternity leave? In Spain, new dads can take 16 weeks of work at full pay. Sweden as well. And France, new dads can now spend 28 days at home while being paid. Sweden are the ones who are the front runners, though. I've known this for a long time. 480 days of paid. But who pays for that? I don't know. I assume the government's... Because imagine running a small business of four employees, right? and then one of them goes off work, a dad or whoever, a mum. Like you are then having to pay that person and pay another person to do the job because you've only got four of them.

38:18It's impossible for some businesses to afford that. Yeah, I don't know where the money comes from. But then the government then pay the statutory anyway. So as a small business, you're not paying the statutory, which is the lower thing. But the government wouldn't be able to afford to do this because there's just not enough money. It's a real issue because... It is. Because other countries do seem to have it. Where does Sweden get the money? Why are we so bloody poor?

38:46Anna Williamson:Yeah, I know. But people that I know live in Sweden, I know people that have benefited from this and it works so brilliantly as well. I think it's Holland that I believe... Sorry, that's not true. Families in Sweden are entitled to 480 days. 90 days. With 90 days reserved for fathers. So the mother could either take the whole 480 days and the father nothing, or the father can take 90 of the 480. And is it Holland that I think they have a phased approach now where a lot of businesses encourage fathers to take Fridays off or a day off a week or something like that in order to try and just to bring more of that family life work balance, you know, interline a little bit which I'm all for if of course you know it can be you know the books can be balanced now the HMRC shows that 3.3 billion pounds was spent on statutory maternity pay in 23-24 and across the same period 69 million was spent on paternity pay and 34.4 million pounds of statutory shared parental pay that's a lot of money it is 3.3 billion but they're raising the future of the it's yeah but people need to have kids we've got the you know the birth rates are dropping we need to have children and parents need to be able to be supported to have children otherwise we don't have a growing workforce we have no children coming through to fill the gaps and i think this is this is the chicken and the egg everyone complains and moans about it but also i'm very much of the bang in the drum that you know it is i think it's fantastic you know all parents you know all parents sorry a lot of parents work and i think it's great that we have so much more opportunity now and equality around that but equally we are in a space where I think we also do need to consider children's needs as well and the importance of having present families but we can't do it all and have it all especially if we have no coffers well it's not just about when they're a newborn no nursery fees exactly are a fortune well we now have the nursery I think it's from nine months now we have the provisions but then I know about that so this is something that that's means tested and even but but not even that but like that can be work out funny for some people but it's a bigger issue than that the government promised it and I know this because I've even done some work around this the government promised this where are you going to get the caregivers from care providers you bring a law in well have you got the workforce no you haven't got the workforce that can deliver what you promised so there's a huge recruitment drive for now early years caregivers because we don't have enough people don't want to do that because the pay is not enough exactly so this goes to the chicken and egg but we need to have children we need to have babies because we need to have a population and a generation that comes up underneath us to support us.

41:19Anna Williamson:Do you know what I'm waiting for? What? Armageddon. Well, there you go. More positive now. Oh! A disabled duck. I'm in. Has been given a specially made wheelchair. I'm sold. There's a disabled duck called Opie who was spared a trip to see the quack. Did you put this in the story? No, I saw it and I thought, look. I love this. He's been given a specially made wheelchair. he was left limp yeah after mating session went wrong and he could no longer waddle happily that's what happens duck sex is so violent I've had to take a couple of my limp ones and we rehabbed them in a stable to get them over the rape you taught us about duck sex do you know what I'm also going to throw into the mix pigeon sex really really violent as well we have these shagging pigeons outside my house it's dangerous dangerous anyway the duck's owner she's called Emily she's made him a little homemade wheelchair so he waddles along in a harness and lead and his little foot can be raised off the floor.

42:19And Emily's owned him since the duckling and he joins her on days out, boating on lakes and parks. There's even a sign on the back saying, I'm not a toy, I am disabled. Oh my God. Please allow me some room. Can I just say a disabled duck? Is there anything more just adorable? She would describe Opie as sassy, charismatic and charming. He's a baby. so oh no when he was mating so Opie's a boy and he was trying to mate with a female she says they were both quite inexperienced oh no and afterwards he couldn't get up and walk she was a novice and unfortunately passed away

43:00Anna Williamson:oh death by duck sex so I hope there's a picture oh my god this is the picture of the duck. That is so cute. That is the cutest thing I've ever seen. We now have a picture which will be on our socials of the little duck. He's in a little wheelchair with a little sort of harness. Oh, my gosh. Little wonky wheels on him. She says, he's not your typical duck. He prefers the company of humans to animals. Well, I have to admit, that is the duck I want in my life. Isn't that? Thank you, Imogen, for bringing this into our lives. That's a happy news story. Slightly strange, but could these Next people be weirder.

43:44Anna Williamson:It's the widow of the wehica. Right, anonymous, so Ronnie. Luanimo, call me Ronnie after me great aunt. What a ledge she was. Ledge. Anyway, I'm nominating my boyfriend. He's a weirdo. He uses his balls for temperature control. I know a few other men that do this. Stop. I have a lot of men in my life. Balls for temperature control. Too hot, dunks them in cold water. Too cold, dunks them in warm water. Quite sensible. Says it's the best life hack ever. I don't believe it works, but he is delighted with himself. Weird, right? Never mind the ick. I get walking into the kitchen the other day to find him dangling his bits into my favourite cereal bowl.

44:19Anna Williamson:Brilliant. I think it's quite sensible. If I'm too hot, I run my wrists under cold water. Yeah, good hack, though. Good hack. Right, Molly says, Hi, girls. Thanks so much for the pod. It's my twice-week therapy, and I love it. Thank you. Long-time listener, first-time contributor. I'd like to nominate my scabby sister, Erin. Scabby. Erin in capitals as well. for Weirdo of the Week or Minger of the Week. You know when you get dirt and bits built up under your fingernails? Don't tell me she chooses. She likes to build it all up so you can see the filth through the nail and delights in picking the dirt out with her teeth and eating it.

44:55I've called her out on it many times. She says she's just chewing on life. She's going to get body worms. And that gives her a flavour of the day.

45:03Anna Williamson:Grimo. Grimo. Grimo. Grimo. That is how children get threadworms. from having that shit under their nails and then you get, oh, then you're on the Ovex, the family Ovex, family four pack. Have you had the joy of Ovex? What is Ovex? Wait till you have kids. If you know, you know, it's a family four pack of tablets. There's many a parent nodding along now. And if one of the bastards gets the threadworms, you've all got to take the tablets. You've all got to boil, wash your towels and your bedding. Oh no. It's giving scabies. Yeah. It's giving scabies. They're like an orange refresher, but they taste chalky.

45:40Anna Williamson:Oh, we just use the liquid. Oh, you can have the liquid one. Even in my village, it is a currency. Body worm medicine is a currency because you always get on a Sunday evening, oh, we've had a case of the worms. Anyone got a four-pack of Ovex? Oh, it's frank. Because you don't want those kids to be in bed all night scratching their arsehole. Because the worms come out at night, and if you shine a torch on their buttholes, you see all the worms. It's so bad. It's teeny tiny little threads. It's really gross. I thought Elle did the other day. She actually was a couple of days ago. She went, Mommy, I've got itchy body.

46:10Anna Williamson:Straight away. I'm like, touch your toes, arse in the air in the kitchen. Straight away. Torch out. And do you know what? I was so pleased. It was just a chug nut. She hadn't wiped properly at school. I'm not ranting. I feel sick. That's it. Please remember, at the top of this pod, if you fancy a Luanna weekender with us, do email Imo. Give Imo all the work. As if she's not snowed on you enough. Do email Imo. She can just forward it to somebody else's not her. Listen, we'll be back every Monday on Thursday. Of course, we have Luanna Toti Extra. For that, as always, we need you, our wonderfully funniest.

46:48You can send your emails in to Luanna. Everythingluanna.com. You can also send us a WhatsApp, a voice note or a message. Old asthma Gerald over there. Over there. Our number is 0774526694. And there's a seven.

47:05Anna Williamson:There is. and listen, if you have not followed, okay, this is very important. Click follow now. This means you get the podcast the minute the episode drops. I'm following our podcast, which means whenever there's an episode, I see it come up on my phone straight away. Top right, click follow if you haven't. We would be so grateful. And please tell someone else about Luanna, the podcast. We would love a five-star review as well if you don't mind just spending a couple of minutes doing that. It just helps. It just helps everything. We'll see you Thursday. Bye. Bye.

47:38Anna Williamson:This is a Global Player original podcast.