'Oh they're corkers!'

23:51I don't know. I think it depends on. I don't know how sexual you get or if it's just Dom or if you start like. Does it cross that? cross that line.

23:57Anna Williamson:Good point, good point. Into orgasms. Maybe that depends on the dom. I don't know. On a serious note though, it did occur to me that you may occasionally, yes, value a bit of my experience for listeners who may have fetishes. So many people have fetishes. She says I have an abundance. There you go. Send it in please. We've just given you your very own feature. I just want to rant about dressing gowns slash house coats. Oh, okay. Now you like a dressing gown. Well, do you know what? Carry on with your rant. What? and I just want to say I take real umbrage with dressing gowns now probably I'm scarred from my ex-husband because he always wore fucking dressing gowns but when I have a house guest and I provide dressing gowns in my bedrooms to people I actually take great offence when they come downstairs and that's fucking awful and horrific Anna has just walked in in a waffle dressing gown it's just horrific look at it the look on her face is uttered.

24:57Anna Williamson:I love nothing more than a fucking dressing gown. It's just awful. I'm not being funny, but I'm just going to slag you off in the dressing room now. It makes your tits look saggy. It makes you look like a giant gunt. It's horrific. You look awful. You look absolutely awful. It's so cosy. It's the word. No, look at it. Look. No, I'm sorry. I'm going to take a picture of you so you can see. This is not flattering. No, but I'm not making it flattering. Come on, Nathanians. I just fucking I've deliberately bought my dressing gown in because I know it pisses her off so much I hate them you're sending me the dressing gown they're just fucking awful do you know what's ironic I know that people are going to say sometimes I film content and I'm in a dressing gown because I've got clothes on underneath when I film it Bex is laughing going yes I just take so much offence to dressing gowns would you like to wear my dressing gown no I don't want to put your fucking dressing gown on I don't like them I want to ban them they just remind me of fat lazy slobs that is what a dressing gown is to me yeah yeah sex has just brought up a picture of me in a dressing gown but I just don't I just don't like them I don't want to wear them I don't like it they stress me out I'm actually getting stressed out of you so I'm not even going to look at you look she's really triggered I am I'm triggered by it if you've still got a dressing gown on and it's like 10 o 'clock in the morning no it's a big no get your fat lazy ass up get it in the shower and get a fucking dress if you've got a dressing gown on at night because you're cold buy a fucking blanket it or puts a jumper on stop wearing dressing gowns they're vile they're stressing me out i don't like it i want you to take it off i don't want to look at you anymore it's actually sent me your dressing i think i've got ptsd about dressing can i just say i've never seen her lose her absolute shit do you actually really want me to take this off yeah i really don't like that dressing gown i've got a real thing about dressing gowns i think i've got a thing i think i need therapy about dressing gowns i mean guys she's actually lost her shit well from this fat lazy slob in a dress gown and I'm about to do a dressing gown dance for her.

26:54Anna Williamson:This is good exposure therapy, Luke. Take that dressing gown off. Look, as a psychotherapist, I can tell you now, exposure therapy is the way to do it. Do you know what? I'm going to do it. Andrew used to wear dressing gowns. I'll be better. You've banned that shit. I fucking... The worst, a towel in. That's waffle. That's like... Is it acceptable? No, it's not acceptable. It's been... She just spat everywhere. All right, Jen. All right, Jen, from number four on the blowies. You're lucky it didn't go in your fucking eye. that's a waffle, okay? That's like 50%. If you wear a towel in dressing gown, that's a big no from me.

27:29They smell as well, don't they? I had to buy, because Andrew kept wearing fucking dressing gowns, despite him knowing that I don't like them. I then had to buy him just a Ralph Lauren, very thin cotton one. And that has become semi-acceptable. Like a Hugh Hefner one. Only acceptable if someone rings the doorbell and he needs to get out of bed and put something on quickly. That's the only time. It is not acceptable. What about in the hotel room? Well, if you're answering the door for the... But what if you're lounging in the hotel room? No, no, no.

27:58Anna Williamson:Well, you couldn't go to Champneys and put on a Champneys dressing gown. No, no, no. You're not allowed in front of me. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. I eat my lunch at Champneys in my dressing gown. Vile. Illegal. You're disgusting. You disgusted me. I am not... That's why I don't like going to spas. With fucking people. That's what it is. And they wear the fucking slippers. and the dress who is eating their dressing gown lunch their lunch in dressing gown it offends me it sends me and I don't fucking like it and Andrew if he wears that dressing gown well he doesn't he's not getting a blowy number one he's never getting a blowy number one don't even show me the tip of it so I think probably no dressing gowns on the boat I'm actually dizzy if you wear a dressing gown on the boat do you know what's fucking happening to you I'm getting thrown off yes overboard like a fucking pirate you are getting thrown up.

28:47I hate it. I actually hate them. I hate this. I can't join. No, I'm going. Bye. That's it. We've got another message from Chloe or just a message from Chloe. Hello, Luanna ladies. I started listening to the pod last year as I frequently have to travel London to Manchester for work and your pod helps me through the long drive. I've heard lots of listen stories and I thought you might want to hear about my hen night. So where do I start? Let's go back to Feb the 22nd 2020 A long weekend in London had been booked for me and my girls But I didn't know what the weekend had in store I was ready I had spent weeks on the outfit My spray tan was perfectly glowing I went for a blow dry in the morning And I felt like the best I've ever felt I got the train into London with a few of the girls And we met at the hotel to dump our bags I think it's important at this stage to highlight That I had been very clear with the bridesmaids That I wanted the full hen do treatment I'm talking throwing up in the gutter, center of attention, dick in my face kind of hendu.

29:49The full works. So 13 girls all started putting on their sashes and hendu attire. It's proper hendu. And I couldn't hold my excitement. This was it. I knew my girls weren't going to let me down. It was early afternoon and we all got into cabs to a dirty martini bar in central London. It was great fun. We made our own cocktails. Very strong, I should add. We had a dance, a few light snacks, a great start to the weekend. After a couple of hours and a few cocktails, we stumbled back out to go and get ready for dinner. Back at the hotel, I put on the outfit that I had spent so many months picking out.

30:23A gorgeous white sequin play suit with the girls all wearing little black dresses. I felt on top of the world and beautiful. We played some Mr. and Mrs. in the room while having pre-drinks and my now husband had been recorded answering questions, including some rude ones, for me to answer. Some I wasn't sure my mum wanted to hear the answer to, but it was all good fun. The whole time, I couldn't help but let my mind run with what the rest of the evening would entail. We went to a lovely underground Italian restaurant where more wine was consumed, and we were all ready for the night to kick off.

30:56I still had no idea where we were off to, but got into another cab and pulled up outside what looked like a nightclub. I was crossing the road towards the doors when I saw it. a big purple poster on the doors with half-naked men and the title dream boy oh she's in yes my girls had come through and i was going to see gorgeous awed up hunky men for my hen night i was ecstatic jumping like a kid in the street at the thought of what this evening had in store for me i looked over to my mum and my godmother to seem a bit more hesitancy in their faces about what was in store but neither the less we bundled in we went down the stairs and i was advised we were VIP.

31:36Taken to a drinks area and I was told by the girls that they had paid for the top package. Package? Wait. I was going to be pulled up on stage, swung around and stroke those abs. I couldn't wait. We took our seats, front row of course, and I don't think saying front row really explains it. Our knees were touching the stage. We were that close. The venue was usually a gentleman's club for female strippers. So the stage was more like a long catwalk with poles were dancing. Other hen parties took their seats on the other side of the stage to us and the room started to go dark. The over excited women, including me, started screaming as the show began.

32:12Here we go. Five men, all in black cargo pants, vests and working boots, came dancing down the catwalk to a heavy beat dance track. Smoke machines were going and the dream boys were teasing everyone in the front row. We're there, aren't we, Lou? One bent over to me and breathed heavily into my ear. Coffee breath. He smelled gorgeous. and I knew this was going to be the best night of my night. Only you and I can go, ugh. Next to spotlight, dropped at the top of the catwalk and a huge hunk of a man stood ready to make his entrance. The next thing I knew, the guy came running down the catwalk, heading straight for the pole that was right in front of me.

32:48He took flight, jumping towards the pole as if to swing around him. Bang! What? In the opening act. What? What's going on? Within the opening act. within seconds of the god making his entrance he was on the floor with his leg now faced the wrong way the pole which was usually used by petite women for the gentleman's club had broken away from the ceiling when the dream boy jumped onto it and he and the pole came crashing to the ground

33:27Wallet!

33:48In the audience. The granny got flunged by the ball. The granny got fucking taken out. He was also there for a hen do. She was there. Unconscious on the floor. She's bloody unconscious. No. That's real. That's real. God. Ran out. Oh my God. Quick read on him. boy himself went to get up to the knocked out grand but he didn't realise it's like a broken treat adrenaline and instead he let out an almighty scream and the rest of the guys in the show didn't realise at all what horror was unfolding as they took their turn in coming down the catwalk. The audience are trying to wave them down and shout that they He's on the floor.

34:45He's like quasi with his broken leg. Granny's out and they're still coming down the catwalk like some sex guys. You can leave your head on. Oh my gosh. I have to be honest, the next 10 minutes is all a bit of a blur. The dream boy with the broken leg was rolling around on the stage in agony. and people were understandably trying to look after the gran who had 85 kilos of man and metal pole. Just land on her head. Could have killed her. We were all moved to the bar while the injured were tended to and advised the show would resume shortly. I think everyone was in shock. The day had really been turned on its head and no one was in the dancing or deacon face spirit.

35:34About an hour after it all went wrong, we were able to get out stuff from the cloakrooms and it was agreed the show would be cancelled. Me and the hens went to a pub across the road to try and get our heads front what we'd just seen. We deliberated on what to do next as the girls had booked us a booth in a nightclub but I don't think any of us were up for it. We went back to our hotel and sat in our PJs. Just until the early hours I believed the grant Went on to make a full recovery But if you wanted to know more information

36:12Anna Williamson:It was in the sun She's cut and pasted the sun article And two days later The article is still available Oh my god Hang on here we go Oh wait Emma's put it in There's a picture He's lying there with his thumbs up Look at that. There's a picture. Oh, my gosh. And the headline is pole position. Dream boy stripper. He broke his leg and knocked out a grant when his pole fell. We'll sue club for half a million. Well, where there's blame, there's blame. Can I just say... Oh, God. We're not laughing and someone's been talking about it. He's covered in tubs. He's got an oxygen mask on. He's doing a sexy selfie with his peace sign in the ambulance.

37:04Anna Williamson:Oh, it's a video, Lou. It's a bloody video. Get it on. Get it on. No, that's Linda Robson. That's not the actual video. Oh, my God. Can I just say, I've just got this absolute image of this, as he's running towards the car. Now what? After the failed Hindu, my wedding went on to be cancelled. Oh, four times through COVID before we were finally married in September 21. It wasn't an omen. I have also since been to Magic Mike in London, but I still didn't get my full stripper experience. No need to keep me anonymous. Chloe from Bedfordshire. And here's a picture of us on our wedding day. Oh, you look beautiful.

37:44Oh, you look beautiful. It's the compo, the compo stripper in the bloody hospital that's now going to sue the club for half a million. And that should know, like the grand's fucking dead. No, grand's family's not seeing anyone. The stripper, thumbs up in the hospital. They're so skanky, those strippers.

38:04Anna Williamson:Can I just say, it's just got the sun written all over it. The whole story is gold. We hope obviously everyone made a full recovery. Thank you for that story, absolute belter. Right, we've got a message from Kelly up next. She says, hi girls, long time listener since the very beginning, but I've never written in. I had to share this one with you. I had my hubby, sisters, mother and friends howling with laughter. So here goes. I'd only just joined the gym. I was buzzing with motivation. And to top it off, I treated myself to a pair of new Adidas leggings from Vinted. Nice. Nice. They were a size smaller than usual.

38:41And I felt smug that I managed to squeeze into them. Feeling like that girl. I strutted into the gym with all the confidence in the world. Straight to the treadmill I went. 30 minutes of sweaty hill climbs and full on running. Go on, girl. I noticed a few stairs, but brushed them off. Maybe I'm running too loud. Maybe they're just clocking the new face in the gym. Either way, powered on. From there, moved to the leg machines. Leg press, no problem. Then that awkward machine where you sit and you open your legs as wide as possible. Yeah, the one that has you questioning all your life choices while working your glutes.

39:14It was here. I really started noticing people staring at my lower half. A couple of college lads were nudging each other and laughing. Again, I thought, teenage boys, immature. I wrapped up with the step machine where my hubby arrived from work to join me and was grinning at me. I gave him a look like, what's so funny? And that's when he asked, where are your bottoms? I laughed. What do you mean? I've got my new Adidas leggings on. Babe, have you looked in the mirror? He said, try not to choke on laughter. I hadn't. So off I went. What if I went to the toilet, shut the cubicle door, turned to the mirror and froze?

39:55Horror. My leggings were in fact the exact shade of my skin tone. From a distance and even close up, I looked stark naked. Worse, the fabric was so thin that every contour was visible. I looked like I've marched into the gym with my Jack and Danny fully on display. And to make it more traumatising, in certain lighting... It actually looked like I had a flap hanging loose. I heard literal photographic evidence zoomed in confirming the nightmare. I ran out of the gym, jumped in the car and sat in absolute mortification. My family group chat. Oh, I had to share it. My mum and sisters nearly choked from laughing so hard.

40:34I hope she set this picture. After 15 minutes of self-pity, I decided to leave. Just as I started the car, my hubby rang. I've lost my keys in the gym. I need you to come back and help me find them. No, absolutely not. But I did. head held high trying to act like I wasn't basically naked in public walked past reception again hubby was bent over looking for his keys not helping my case as people double took whispering and checking again if I was in fact completely bare we found the keys quickly and the power walked out of there like my life depended on it now I'm left with three questions did the woman who sold me these leggings on vintage suffer the same public humiliation do I dare re-upload them and pass the curse onto someone else yes Yes.

41:17Or do I take them to the garden, strike a match and let them burn with my dignity? Send them to us. Send them to us. Yeah, I'm Kelly. I'm from Bracknell. And I've enclosed a picture. Here we go. Oh, hang on.

41:31Anna Williamson:Oh, no. Oh, no. Even social media manager Bex is now going hand over mouth horror. Is she joking? Oh, my gosh. She zoomed in on the flappy bit too. Oh, do we have permission to share this on socials? I really hope so. That looks like a bit of, that looks like a clit. Can I just say, this is honestly, you would put money on the fact that this woman was butt naked. Also, from that photo, it's like a tampon string. Tampon string it does? You would put, wouldn't you, Bex? Oh, my God. You'd put money on the fact that she's naked. That is fucking hilarious. Oh, my God. Absolutely. Bloody brilliant. That's so good.

42:09I have got a really quick rant. I'm aware that we've been going on for a long fucking time. Doesn't matter.

42:13Anna Williamson:It's been a good ep. I loved it. Right. let me tell you I'm going to name in shame a business oh okay can I just say they're fucking illegal memo to lawyers here we go because right my inbox was full okay what do you mean well I got the thing your inbox is full because I'm really bad at like any kind of life admin I just let them all fucking clog up and anyway now it's like full of spam spam it's just bullshit look at look at fucking like newsletters Right, and can I just say, so now a new email comes in. Look, I'll go to it. Here's one that's come in. Click on it. There's a new thing. Unsubscribe from this mailing list.

42:54Unsubscribe, unsubscribe, and then I unsubscribe, and then I delete. Yeah. Do you know how many brands I've been having to do this? I haven't signed up. I haven't signed up. Anyway. So it's an opt-out. Here's another one. Right, there is this one brand, White Fox Boutique. Okay, I think they're not in this country. I think I bought some shit for Dixie months ago. Yeah. I keep, I have unsubscribed 16 times now and they keep fucking emailing me. I don't want your fucking emails. And every time I do it, look, I'm going to click again. Right now. Here we go. Ready? Because this just came in. Stop it.

43:30Again, another fucking email. Unsubscribe. Then it takes me to their annoying fucking website. Don't want to buy any of your shit. Hey, babe, breakups are hard. We're sad to see you go. If you're sure this is really over, you can unsubscribe by unchecking I have unticking the check boxes below oh oh oh oh

43:51Anna Williamson:oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

44:12Anna Williamson:I'm so tired. I just farted with laughter. But the principal is the same. White Pops Boutique, I take it back. Because it turns out it's the first time I've read your annoying blab and I have been checking both SMS and emails and pressing update. So I have been resubscribing and not unsubscribing apparently. Well, why? Why do they say untick? It should be tick and then update, shouldn't it? Can I just say, if Social Media Manager Bex doesn't do a zoom in on the... Oh, if ever that was, and the penny has dropped meme, I don't know what was. Oh, Lou, you're an absolute ledge. What a card. Well, how?

45:04Anna Williamson:Live, I'm unsubscribing. Because I kept wondering. Update, I've unchecked. if I get emails after I've now unchecked. This could be a part two, man. So basically, I've been thinking I've been unsubscribing. They've been really pissing me off. You don't understand. It's been driving me in fucking sane. They will be loving the PR. To the point where I was going to call them up and I was going to be like, I keep unsubscribing and you keep aiming. Turns out, no, it's wrong. Okay, right. Well, that's been great. Thanks, that's it. Probably my most favourite rant because the rant actually backfired. Confessions, I've never told anyone this, but here we go.

45:40Anna Williamson:First up, some years ago, like many young men, my teenage years were spent experimenting with new and interesting ways to have a wank. Brilliant. What began with some innocent nocturnal pillow humping soon migrated to frenzied sessions, hunched double on the bedroom floor, masturbating to copies of my sister's Just 17 magazine or over brief encounters with girls in the tuck shop queue at school. One particular evening, I decided to take things up a gear and try out a technique that I'd read about in FHM, which involved filling a condom full of ice cream before ejaculating into it. These magazines have a lot to answer for.

46:18Anna Williamson:They actually do. The sensation of the hot jizz was said to feel volcanic. Well, naturally, I was intrigued, so waited until the house was empty to conduct my inspiration. It's like a Moore magazine position of the fortnight. What about when they said put an Alka-Seltzer up there? And I tried that. These magazines had a lot to answer for. More mag, just 17, all of it. One problem, though, he said no condom. Never mind. One of the sandwich bags my mum used for our packed lunches will do very nicely. Thank you very much. I filled the bag full of wools, soft scoop, and hurried up to the bathroom.

46:54Anna Williamson:Which is so good. It's so American pie. No sooner had I began pumping away, there was a knock at the back door. surely not my parents back so soon I removed the sandwich bag from my still twitching cock pulled up my jeans and ran downstairs to find my aunt standing on the doorstep picture the scene if you will my auntie standing there interrogating me on how my GCSEs were going on my chub on my chub on slowly wilted into a matter of vanilla peeps I quickly got rid of my aunt and raced back upstairs, undeterred to finish what I had started. Off came the jeans, and while standing over the bath, I began to furiously pound away until I came into the soft ice cream.

47:44Anna Williamson:It felt incredible. But now I was faced with the clean-up operation. After a quick flannel to the main danger zones, I was ready to dispose of the sandwich bag. In theory, an easy operation. Just pop out to the bin and Bob's your uncle. Nobody need ever know. Unfortunately, my plan was thwarted when I heard the unlocking of the back door and my parents returning home. Fuck! I dashed out of the bathroom and up the stairs into my bedroom, which was in the loft. I flung open the V-Lux and tossed the offending article out of the window where I watched it slide unceremoniously down the tiles before wedging itself in the gutter ring.

48:21Anna Williamson:Now, as a teenager, I didn't give a great deal of thought to the workings of drainpipes and gutter rings. However, over a few days, it became apparent that the blockage was beginning to have consequences. And it didn't take long for my dad was on the case. What? You know it, don't you? Armed with a very long stick, I watched as my father hung out of the window and fished from the gutter. A sandwich bag full of melted ice cream and my jizz. It was like the world's most underwhelming fairground attraction, where instead of winning a goldfish, he did sit on a small bag of his son's bath. He was very pleased.

49:18Anna Williamson:Just imagine it, Dad long stick dangling. he was very pleased with his achievements of having fixed the blocked guttering but it took me a long time before i could eat a wall's vionetta in his company stick to humping it's much safer steve the fact he's called steve makes that story oh steve the spaffer steve steve the spaffer Oh, that's probably one of the best we've had in a long time, Steve. Thank you, because often men say they listen to us to get an insight into women. And now we've got an insight into what it's like with a teenage boy jizzing in a plastic bag. Have you done your Christmas list yet?

50:03Do you know, I did send Andrew something. I can't remember what it was.

50:07Anna Williamson:It's classic. Probably a new horse. No, I did. I sent him a link and I was like, this would be a nice Christmas gift. Yeah, I sent Alex a nice bracelet. Oh, did you? Do you like stuff like that? Not normally, no. But I just quite like this. I don't really like mix. I don't really. I don't really. I don't really need gifts. And I don't mean to sound like, oh, I'm so virtuous. I don't need gifts. No. I feel very blessed with my lot, guys. No, but actually, I just don't like to. I don't like receiving to. I love gift giving. It's one of my. I actually like to give. I like to give it. I just don't want to.

50:39Anna Williamson:I always say to my family the same thing. Give us a nice smelly candle. Give us a massage voucher. And I am cool. I'm trying to see what I sent to Andrew. I think we're all quite curious to know what you sent to Andrew too. Oh, do you know what I sent him? I sent a lovely Christmas present. And you can personalise it for me with a monochrome. And do you know what it is? Come on. It's a... You're all going to die. Now, what have you asked for? What is it? I dread to think. Is it something horsey? Is it a car? It's... Is it another girl's buggy? A house? A massive house? No, it's even funnier. It's a robe.

51:13Oh my gosh!

51:20Anna Williamson:It's a bloody dressing gown. Fuck off. Fuck off. Lisa has been outed as a closet dressing gown fan. She's not only banned her husband from wearing dressing gowns, she has now, as an insult to injury, sent her husband the get me this dressing gown. She doesn't look like dressing gown. Give me this house coat. It's got a horse print and you can monogram it. could be fair those are nice and the jammies I'd like a new dressing gown actually so I sent that to him and said yeah because I don't mind like silk dressing gowns I'm going to get you all dressing gowns for Christmas all house coats so funny I can't believe that is the most hypocritical thing and it's so funny because I genuinely remembered that I'd sent him something but didn't remember what it was it's not that expensive actually if I remembered it was a robe I wouldn't have just bought that up can I just say I love the fact she gutted herself out that's why we love you Lou because when you're a hypocrite you own it I wouldn't have brought that up if I had remembered what it was I just remember thinking I'm just going to show you that to the camera that is Louisa Zisman's Christmas present a robe a dressing gown a monogrammed horse print it's like a silk robe it's nice a dressing gown I feel like it would look sexy whilst I float around the house I wonder if he's bought it for me maybe I'll just buy it for myself no because he might have bought it and that is it oh my goodness so many best bits yeah please make sure that you comment remind us of the best bits of 2025 because Lou and I, we have brains like sieves, but just basically my overall best bit is you lot.

52:52Anna Williamson:You've all been listening. You've been watching here on YouTube as well. We're so grateful to you all. The Lou Anna army continues and grows. So thank you so much. And also as we now are heading into 2026, now is not the time to be slacking guys. Now is the time to be lifting everything up. We need all of your emails, your anecdotes, your stories, your confessions. Is it weird? Is it weird? Oh, hello, 2018. Throwback. The Weirder of the Weeks, all of it. Our email address is luanna at everythingluanna.com. You can also hop onto WhatsApp, send a voice note or a message. You can also send us pictures of your shit gifts, which we would love to see.

53:31Our number's 07745266947. Please follow us. Tell someone about us. Make them listen. Have a little Luanna New Year party watching us on YouTube. Recruit people. If you so wish. Yes. And we will see you on Thursday. Bye-bye.