THE ROAD TRIP 2025: DAY 1

0:00Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bunts, and general explicit content.

0:43But you're here, you know you love it, and welcome, because this is a little extra bonus bit of Luana.

0:50Anna Williamson:Bonus. It's only gone and taken us seven years to have a seventh birthday to give you a little bit of extra guffage. It is. So this episode you're about to listen to is all of the stuff from day one of our road trip. So we have got a lot of content from this day. Buckle up. We started in Fingering Ho. Well, you don't need me to run you through it because you're about to listen to it. Exactly. So have a listen to this. It's too good to miss. We're here at the start of the Luana Road Trip Tour in Fingering Ho. So here we are then, the start of all these months of planning. Bought my wellies. I bought my crocheting.

1:33Here we are in this beautiful English village.

1:38Anna Williamson:You know what, Essex countryside is lovely. Oh look at that hot guy! Look at that hot guy! We didn't know you'd rented a stripper. Look at this tree surgeon. First stop on the road trip, we're at Colchester Zoo. We're in the Meerkat enclosure. This is a group of male meerkats. They're very cute. They're eating some kind of grain. And sweet potato? Oh, they're adorable. They've got quite a lot of experiences here. You can meet the penguins, can't you? So you can meet the penguins, meet the meerkats. I could stay here all day with this meerkat on my lap. It's so magical. Wait for it. I'll drive her.

2:17I'm very casual. She's going to want salt. I want a meerkat.

2:21Anna Williamson:I want a meerkat. Andrew, get me a meerkat. Hakuna Matata. Ain't no passing craze. I would like to introduce to you, Luana. Luana. This one didn't have a name and Colchester Zoo have officially called it Luana. So if you're heading down to Colchester Zoo, which we highly recommend. It's knobbed. Very clean. Very clean. very friendly meerkats and staff come and meet Luanna do one of their experiences oh don't have a fight no no very naughty they've got very long claws oh darling you're so cute and special do you know what they're so cute and special I'm not gonna lie though now Anna's told me that the bacon sandwich van's over there I'm really keen on ditching the meerkat and getting a bacon sandwich.

3:14Anna Williamson:Okay. Well, I'm not being funny. This zoo is on 60 acres. I have got 44. Well, then you just build a zoo. I could probably build a zoo. You should get it. You could be the new Carol Baskin. And at this time, seven years ago, we started Luana, didn't we? We did. And you, we always get asked this, but we knew each other before from Big Brother. so we I think we must have met in July of 2016 so I was trying to figure out yeah it was it was July yeah because when was Indy born? the 2nd of August and I think Indy was born I was having contractions about a week later yeah I think she was born like two days after that she was she was born a couple days so yeah we met in July so we met in July end of July 2016 and I was like the side of a small mansion with Enzo yeah and then I was late with him and I ended up giving birth to him late September So you must have started your other podcast, Breaking Mum and Dad, after having Enzo, did you?

4:17Yeah, so I had written, so I'd already written Breaking Mad, my first book.

4:24Anna Williamson:Yes. That was 2015 I wrote that. Oh yes, that's it, I remember that. Because then your podcast was called Breaking Mum and Dad. So then I wrote my second book, because then the first one did extraordinarily well, and then the second one, I was like, then I had Enzo and then obviously flatlined and was like, shit, this is horrendous. Or it might be a water tower because that's the thing that happens. Yeah, it's really cute actually. So then I wrote Breaking Mum and Dad, the insider guide to conquering anxiety, to parenting anxiety, sorry. And then I did Breaking Mum and Dad, the accompanying podcast.

4:58Which, and you met Imo because that was Imo's idea, that pod, was it?

5:03Anna Williamson:Well, Imo was my producer on my radio show. So I did a radio show at Talk Radio. Yeah. And Ims, you weren't you, Ims? Ims was, yes. Yeah, she's in the back there. Ims was my AP on that. And then, so when Imo left her radio. Yeah, when she left the radio. And went to the production company that we shall not name. That shall not be named. So then Imo was like, how about, would you consider turning your, I think Breaking Mum and Dad had come out by then maybe, Emma, my book had and you were like, why don't we, yeah, it did, yeah and you're like, would you consider bringing that into a podcast format so that's then how that started so Emma then produced that, Breaking Mum and Dad which did really well, that was nominated twice actually for podcast awards and then, yeah, it was actually and then, I came on it and then you came on it and then that episode just did really well and you kept asking me and I kept not doing it well you just had Clemmie well I was in a bit, uh, after having Clemmie weren't you?

6:01Anna Williamson:And that episode did really well. Do you remember? Because we ended up having like a really interesting debate about breastfeeding. And then having a bloody good laugh about it afterwards. And then people were like, oh my God, that's really unusual. Guess what? Two women that can have a divisive conversation and then laugh at the end of it. And guess what? No one's offended. Go figure. And then you, well actually maybe I fancy doing something else now. No, I think I really liked that. And I just felt like I couldn't work in TV anymore because you're so frigging censored. I mean, and that was like...

6:33Were you censored a bit? Seven, eight years ago, yeah. Were you? Were you? And so then I was like, right, this podcasting malarkey is actually good because you can just say what the hell you want to say. Yeah, then you were like... So I then said, well, will you do it? That's it, you said, yeah, do you fancy... And then you were like... And then you were like, yeah, I fancy doing something else. Give it a try. We thought we'd do six episodes.

6:52Anna Williamson:Yeah, six episodes and done. Imo was always the producer. And also, what makes me laugh is that I think we started it thinking we'd all be quite serious and a bit like, what's that, Ashley... Ashley James. That'd be like Ashley James. It'd be a bit like, yeah, you know, full of big topics and we'd really talk about them. We were. And then it just turned into basically two idiots. Well, we had our second ever episode. We had Lisa Clegg on, didn't we? The sleep nanny. The sleep nanny. And then after that we thought, we're not sure we want to actually go down this happy mum, happy baby, like that type of, it's not really our vibe.

7:27It wasn't our vibe. but we found our vibe and we bloody found our tribe, didn't we? We're nearly here. This is a nice estate, isn't it? A nice little neighbourhood. Another Lufanian. Neighbour. Are we actually going to a Lufanian's house? I think the salon's in the house. So she's got a salon. It's called Ugly Betty's. Oh, Ugly Betty's. Ugly Betty's. I mean, we did say that we were going to be seeing Lufanian. We are actually going to Lufanian's house. This is our seven-year birthday. It's the first time. You're the first Lufanian. A real life Lufanian.

8:02Anna Williamson:Are you a real life Lufanian? I've been to see you on tour twice. Genuine question, Liz. You don't just have to say anything to stroke our egos. But what is it that you like about Luanna? Listen to Luanna. You're obviously my friend. But I think that's it because you are so real. Weird. Weird and normal. We just think that's it. They're relatable, I think. Do you want more coffee? No, just some milk. Some milk. Some more milk. Yeah, yeah, please, some more milk. Some more milk. Oh, it's too hot for her. That's why. It's a bit of cold. Even a bit of cold. That's about it. Too many colds. Yeah, it's a bit cold.

8:35My leggies are very hairy. Jesus, you know, so white in my... You need a holiday. Well, she is white. And are she? Let me get the bed off. Oh, look at that. Can I do it? Can I do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I do it? Wait. Oh, don't break her bed, you two. Oh, here we go.

8:51Anna Williamson:How are you feeling, Imsi? Just need to wipe my nose as well. Darling, look, I feel like I've got one of my children in front of me. I'm like, it's alright, Poppet. Mum is here. Mum is here. Oh, I want to be nervous for you. Okay, actually, I'm nervous for me too. So, what do we do now? We go from the top. What do you mean, go from the top? Roll it that way. And then it's going to roll it down. Do it with me. Yeah. So, rub it on. Leave a little gap so you can hold on to the end. Yeah. Yeah, and then stretch the skin. Hold my hands. Here. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Don't get a chicken, don't get a chicken.

9:30I didn't, nice deep breath in. In, in. Stretch the skin, girl.

9:35Anna Williamson:One, two, three, four, five, five, five, five, five. Breathe out, breathe out. Do that. Christ. Hey. Let's have a look. How many? Can I just say, Emo, you have got, I've just waxed your leg like a beaut. I need some tweezers. Breathe it down. Bear down, bear down. Three, two, one. Oh, gorgeous. Look, there's a couple. I didn't get down to here. Should I just put more wax on? Tweezers. Oh, tweezers and wax. You can reapply the wax. Oh, ow, tweezers. I've not been waxed on my pants before. Have you not? That's really brave of you. Well done. That's really brave. You've only got one more left in this one, Imsi.

10:15Anna Williamson:You ready? You trust me, don't you bad. I'm a life coach. I'm a life coach. I'll be honest Emma, I don't think you can complain about that one because I thought that was bloody good. Okey doke. Bit patchy. Yeah. Right. Let's go. Right. Loved that. Really nice. Goodbye. Aw, people are so nice. People nice. Very nice hosts, I thought. Very, very nice. Lovely coffee, a big bowl of nuts. I thought it was good. How did you feel about the mugs, Luke? No, the mug, I drank out of her mug. She was spotlessly clean. Yeah, very clean, very hygienic. Very nice lady. Very nice, very nice salon. I think it's always a winner when you can have your salon in your house.

11:01Anna Williamson:Yeah, it is. Well, she just can roll out of bed and go down there and start waxing. What a lovely lady. She's seen us on tour twice. Brilliant. And now she's made the effort to come to us on tour twice. And we've now been in her house. We are women of the people. Our seventh birthday. Exactly. Right, we've found our way to Rayleigh, to Ralphie's Calf, with our Kelly and the girls as well. Introduce yourselves, girls. Hayley and Lisa. She did that because she forgot their names. I did. I remember their names. Thank you, Rayleigh. I actually did. We have heard that Ralphie's Calf does the best Jackie P in the whole of ethics.

11:44Possibly the whole of England. So we have come to Hardcore Lou Fannion, Kelly's calf, to check him out and obviously have a free lunch because we're really tight. Really, really tight. So thanks for welcoming us. Shall we go in and see what you've got to offer us?

12:00Anna Williamson:Right, let's go. Ladies, this is a really, really lovely calf. Thank you. It is stunning. So Kelly, Kelly Ralph, the owner of Ralphie's calf. And your friend Hayley, who wrote to us. We're obviously Lou Fannion. And you're already funny, Lisa, you're already funny and... We love Luana, aren't we? We wrote her in the book. She wrote me in and then we wrote... So you're like an OG. Yeah, she is. How long have you been listening since then? Since Coated. Oh, since then. That's what I found. Genuinely curious, and you can be really honest, like really honest, we're not just saying it through to Woody Wayne, but like why do you listen to Luana?

12:38Anna Williamson:Like what is it you get from the podcast? Because it's just fun. It's just fun but I like all the different bits. I like that it's fun. I like that you talk about bits that are on the nose because I like the bits of other people's opinions are. And then all the funny stories. And the rams. We did. I had road rage this morning. I made someone reverse. Okay, let me as the Jackie P expert. So our Jackie piece had arrived. Big plus is that the coleslaw is in its own little mini tub. Big potatoes. Because I don't like it when the coleslaw is plonked on the plate. I mean I don't mind that because you get more but...

13:20Very big potatoes. What do you say? Am I ever saying outside? Crispy skin. And now, oh.

13:27Anna Williamson:Very, very good. Fluffy, delicious. So good. So good. This is our audition as the new MasterChef. Hello, sir. Welcome to Ralphie's Caf. Hello. How are you? Oh, there we go. Can I pop it up? Oh, hello, sir. All right, Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony, what can I get for you? I'm just getting the tea to take away, please. Tea? Shall I make it? Tea to take away. Tea to take away. All right, our tone. Tone, you seem a bit of assault to me. Do you want it to go? So at the minute, we're behind the counter in Ralphie's cafe. We've got our blue gloves on. We're in the action. We are getting stuck in. Hygiene. Stuck in.

14:08Anna Williamson:We're getting stuck in. We're doing an order. We've had Chloe, who works next door. We're getting her Jackie P with tuna and salad order in. Side of coleslaw. Every good Jackie P has a side of coleslaw. It doesn't matter. And shoving... Look, 18 seconds, Anna. We're there, Lou. Got 18 seconds and then her Jackie P's going to be ready. I'm like a hot potato to get that hot potato. I wouldn't employ them. bloody useless. I mean, it's taken them half an hour to do a jacket. One customer. Two customers, they've done a cup of tea. But the pace at which they work, their productivity is very poor. Right, that's it.

14:45That is a new Ella Jackie P has been made tuna cheese, cider coleslaw, nice bit of salad just for Chloe. Bye! Bye! Bye! Give me a two, give me a two. Whoop, whoop! Oh, what lovely people. So nice. All the Funnians are just bringing us joy today. Honestly, just so many nice people. What a lovely, lovely group of ladies. Lovely Kelly. She deserves all the success. Honestly, just brilliant. That's hard graft, Lou.

15:19Anna Williamson:That is hard graft. That's proper hard graft. I'll tell you what, it's a busy old calf. Yeah. You see, that's... They've got an extensive menu as well. They have got an extensive menu. You know what, Lou? It always goes back to the saying, isn't it? If you're going to do a job, do it properly. And Kelly's done that properly She's done it properly She has I wish her all the best for that She's got a heart and soul Lovely Jackie P Can I just say You're going to stop talking about food now Yeah, actually I will now Because that was an absolute corker Loved it Loved it Used the nice loo What a nice community of women as well Yeah Women Supporting women That's what we're all about Really nice Good times Laughing through all the work I loved them Loved that Loved that And we got to keep our aprons Do you know what?

15:59Anna Williamson:This is just like a serotonin overload today. Football's coming home. It's coming home. We are here at Chelsea Football Club. Chelsea, Chelsea. We are going to play some football. Imo has arranged for us to meet someone really cool, very famous. Can I just say, though, look at that rain cloud. Right, we need to basically... That's not fun. We're a bit late. We need to get inside and we need to get changed. I've got to put my... And you can't wear that. and I'm going to put a Chelsea football kit on. There's a really hot footballer over there. There's a really hot football person over there. Oh, no.

16:36Right, I'm getting my kit. I'm getting my kit.

16:38Anna Williamson:We're on our next stop on the road trip. We're here at the Chelsea training ground with none other than Actual Lioness. Actual Lioness. Niamh Charles. Thank you for having us. Now, this is where the blue tick privilege came in for Imo. Because obviously you and Imo know each other. so look how happy Emma is she's had the right arse all day and this is the first time she's last in a while so thanks for having us thank you for coming guys, I can't wait to put you through your paces work off the spuds we've been in a lot of jacket and sweat I've also stolen needs coat I was going to say, first things first how would you like to grade us for our kit, how we turned out today Hilda, I honestly thought you were playing on Sunday yay we should also say as well Basically more producer privilege.

17:29Anna Williamson:Imo's brought her wife along. I have, yeah. He's married. Naomi's joined us. I know. So that's five of us. So now we are five a side. Yeah, but you can't play five a side with five people doing that. That was so stupid. I just said that was stupid. So do you train here all the time? All day, every day, yeah. All day, every day. Well, all day, every day, yeah. It's very bougie, isn't it? So when this rain stops, what do you want to ideally do with us? OK, so I've set up a little coaching session for you. Oh! We're actual coaching. We're just going to have to run in the rain and get warm. You're just going to have to do it.

18:10Yeah, let's just do it. OK, come on, guys. Come on, let's do it. One, two, one, two, one, two, volley. Oh, come on, this is a bit ambitious move. Dribble, dribble, dribble, dribble. Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited. Dribble, dribble, dribble. Head to ball, head to ball. Yay! Well, that's why she's the professional. Best of three penalty shootout. Yep. Imo the goalie. Go on, Anna. She's got a weird badge.

18:41There's nothing to be scared of, Imo. You're fine. What leg should I pick with? I was just thinking that. What leg are you going to kick? Just whatever happens, I think it's going to go with you. Your right hand, you'd show it. I say don't overthink it, Lou.

18:53Anna Williamson:I say feel it. Yay! Well done! Ah! Handball! Handball! No, we're allowed to! Don't miss you're allowed to touch it! That's their job, Lou Lou! I say let's do a nice warm down with a nice little hamstring stretch. Feed the chickens. Feed the birds, tuppens the birds. Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bird. Somebody's farted. Someone has farted. You stink. That's awful. Look at that smell outdoors. I can smell it. It's putrid. The whole of the Chelsea ground and she stunk out. That's quite impressive. I mean, I gave birth to some stinking animal. That is crazy. Sorry about that, guys. Oh, that's quite impressive.

19:51I can still smell it. This is all you need to do on the pitch, Niamh. Run, run, run. Everyone clears. How is it? Oh, that's so bad.

20:01Anna Williamson:So bad. Honestly, Niamh, would you like to critique all of us on how you feel you've approached today's training session? If you had to choose one of us, four, to be on your team, who would it be and why? Yeah, your ride or die. Well, the fact that you said four, it's going to be in the way.