TOTALLY EXTRA: A 21 Second Whopper, Getting Cancelled & A Letter Opener

0:01This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana. This podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you'll hear you sexy little bitches. And you know you love it. This is a Thursday episode of Luana and this is called Luana Totally Extra. It is.

0:25Anna Williamson:You know why? Because it is extra everything. It's extra rants, chats, confessions, stories, you. So we will shush and we will muff dive. Muff. Get the dive. Splash. Splash. Wallop into a message from Anonymous Oida. Love the Luanna podcast. Thank you, darling. It's my go-to when I'm home alone cooking dinner and tidying up. Home alone. That'll be the dream. I'd love this house to myself. It's literally the holy grail when you've got your house to yourself. I know. There was 10 minutes this morning between the kids leaving and all of the people that work here coming in. And I just savoured that 10 minutes.

1:00It's so nice. It was really nice.

1:03Anna Williamson:I think the Holy Grail, you know when it's truly brilliant when you can stand there and you can just hear the hum of the fridge. And then you know you're actually by yourself. Sorry, I don't. We digress. So, anyway, I like to listen while I'm home alone. With my Alexa perfectly placed in my kitchen, an important detail for later. Okay. A few weeks ago, the old lady Brenda next door knocked to ask if we'd had a power cut while she was out in the morning as her electrics had stopped working. After some conversation and troubleshooting for a switch on and off again moment, she said she was sorry to bother me.

1:33Anna Williamson:I said, don't be silly, I'm working from home anyway and you can probably hear me nattering away whilst you're sat out in the garden. She's often out there soaking up the sun all day. She politely said, no, I don't hear a peep actually. As you get older, you hear less. although, she pauses, I do hear a few things I probably shouldn't, if you know what I mean, and gave a big wink before walking back off into her house. Somewhat stunned, I said, oh, right. See you later and close the door, confused by her statement. She's probably hearing her shagging. Well, this is it, Luke. For the rest of my workday throughout my meetings and evening, I was thinking, what the fuck has she heard?

2:08Anna Williamson:There's no way she can hear us having any arguments, because they're very rare, or worse, still having adult time when she is definitely fast, fast. Well, she might not be asleep. Yeah. Old people have trouble sleeping. Well, they do. That's true, Lou. She's having a little whore lick. She's having a right older listen, isn't she? We live in a semi... That's how she gets off whore licks and listening. That's her granny porn. She's the granny. We live in a semi-detached and the wall's so thick, we can barely hear a peep from the attached side of the house, let alone from her side. For the whole week, I thought the old lady next door was fucking with me for her own shits and giggles and was conscious of my own voice volume in fear of her hearing my every conversation.

2:45Anna Williamson:Fast forward a week and I'm listening to Luanna in the kitchen through the Alexa on the windowsill. You were talking about the lady eating her own discharge. I then saw the lady next door bringing her washing in and she smiled awkwardly. It then struck me. She probably has no idea what a podcast is. Of course she doesn't. And thinks it's me nattering away to my friend on loudspeaker every week. Hence the big wink. Thanks Luanna. my next door neighbour now thinks I'm an absolute freak. P.S. I still listen to you with the window open every week and my dad and partner think it's simply hilarious.

3:21Anna Williamson:Oh, shit. The old woman's probably loving us. I'm loving it. You need to spread the gospel. Yeah. Yeah, you need to find out. Is it us? She's clearly enjoying it. Yeah. And I'm here for that old lady. Buy her her own Alexa. Yeah. Get us downloaded. Click follow for her. Download it straight away. Every week we'll be on making the old lady joyful. One of our favourites now, Anna. Rate my fart from anonymous So Eric Right let's sit up straight Here we go Listen to this It's too good to miss Da da da da da da

4:03No

4:10It's the laugh at the end the laugh at the end

4:14Anna Williamson:well that's a pebble dasher if ever I've heard one that was amazing how many seconds was that Imo? well the whole voice note was 23 seconds but there was only 2 seconds of faff that was a 21 second fart 21 seconds to 21 seconds to blow my god Eric congratulations that's a lot of meat in that fart can someone put that in a remix tune for us 21 seconds to blow I reckon 21 Eric that's an absolute Bobby Dazzler congratulations Eric oh well haven't rated it I'd say that's a solid nine and a half yeah oh that's a ten for me it's a ten there you go 21 second fart yeah it's long that's a record I wonder what the record for the longest fart is it's got to be a real one no one messing around with us have a little gander of that on Google while we read a message on she's a Charlotte in my search history so fucked up after she's been with us seriously have you ever got arrested Imo in your laptop seat yeah the longest the longest fart on record lasted for 2 minutes and 42 seconds is there a clip of it yeah exactly do we have actual evidence it was achieved by Bernard Clements from London and it was a Londoner who achieved this feat in 2019 oh there has to be a recording oh there has to be a minute Google recording of Bernard Clement's farts.

5:44Okay. Okay, we will read on with Charlotte and then we'll circle back to you. Charlotte says, hi, I'm a new listener, but so far, loving the pod and all that jazz. Thank you. But sorry if you have already spoken about this. Don't need a fake granny name. My name's Charlotte. I'm expecting my second child and I live in a two-bed cottage. I love my home, but when I've been telling friends and family about expecting another baby, everyone's asking me, but where will the baby sleep and where will it? It's nursery bee. And our door has just flung open. The ghost. Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do. Where will it's nursery bee?

6:20And I was just going to have my kids share a bedroom. Of course, they're both boys. And the age gap is three and a half years. So I thought it was okay. It's making me question if it is okay. And I find myself getting embarrassed when I say, oh, they'll just share a room once the baby's sleeping through the night. Is it just the norm for children all to have their own bedrooms? Opinions on this, please. Thanks, Charlotte. No, do you know what? good for you Charlotte do you know my friend has a very big house and actually two of my friends they've one of them lives in like an apartment in Dubai and she's got all the beds in a row she's got three kids she just had another one but the three boys will share and my other friend she's got two girls two boys and one of them is still too young but the others all share a room and they've got a big house they don't need to share a room but they actually really like it the kids

7:09Anna Williamson:But also, I think it's, as you say, I think we've probably become quite bougie in society nowadays. Back in the day, most of my... They were putting babies in drawers. I mean, exactly. And also, some people can't afford to have a room for every child. And I don't think you should. Like, when I was growing up now, I think about it, most of my friends all shared a room with their sibling. I only didn't, because I suppose my parents had enough bedrooms. Why are you talking with a lisp? I don't know. Maybe because I'm chewing out... Did you hear that? She's developed a lisp. I'm sucking out Doritos out of my children.

7:38Anna Williamson:That might be why. In the bedroom. I think it's the Dorito sucking. Do you want to have a swig of water? You'd like me to have a swig of water. Yeah. Yeah, you would. It's giving me ick. Like suddenly the lift. I would say, Charlotte, with my lift, but you do you, honey. Yeah. You do you and own it. Be proud of that and go, yes, you booze, you bastards. My kids are staying in one room because that's my choice. They probably like it. Yeah. Ims, should we carry on with a voice note rant from Georgie or have we found the fart? I don't think we've got the fart. I'm sorry. That's a shame. That is a shame.

8:13I was all geared up for that. Apologies. I mean, to be fair,

8:16Anna Williamson:maybe if we find it, Emo, in between now and when this goes out, you could just add it at the end of the episode. Maybe for three minutes of farting. Yeah, as a bit of a finale. Just as an out. Yeah. If I find it, it'll be there. The famous Bernard Clements fart. So keep listening to this ep, guys. You might just be treated to a two and a half minute gut. If it's there, it's there. If it's not, I've either forgotten or I can't find it. Fair. Yeah. Fair. What are we doing? We've got Georgie. She's ranting. Bye, Llanimo. Quick rant. This one's about the evolution in technology for the fucking sake of it.

8:56Why now? Why have we gone from just plugs, like normal plugs in the wall, to everything being USB, to us all getting on board with that and having USB plugs in the house or whatever. And like having loads of USB leads that work for everything.

9:13Anna Williamson:And now it's USB-C. And so everything that you buy just goes into a USB-C. So all of those USB plugs in every room in the house are now just completely redundant because everything that you buy comes with a USB-C charger. And on that note as well, headphones. like what's the point in earbuds that you and i've bought loads of them before but these earbuds that you have to charge them and they're really small and it's really easy to get lost and you have to stick to the bottom of your handbag to get the little earbud cates um and then half the time you've forgotten to charge them if you're disorganized and anything like me why didn't we just keep wired headphones that like plug into everything that are super simple that don't need to be charged really easy to find you can just grab them out your handbag um yeah why have we why do we just roll out these pointless things for the sake of it um anyway live the pod bit random i know uh i'm georgie in worcester stick with me georgie i still have wired earphones and I use a hard copy diary.

10:25Anna Williamson:Yeah. And I'm happy with that. You can't use wired headphones in these phones nowadays. Well, I have to buy, I had to buy a headphone adapter for the kids' iPads. Yeah. Because it's a USB-C. Yes. So you have to get the USB-C to headphone. Anyway, I agree. First of all, problems, but I do agree. Next up, message from Anonymous. So, Doreen. Hi, ladies. Love the pod, blah, blah, blah. Lol. I see Anna's request in her Insta. Oh, yes, it worked, Imo. See, Imo pokes us. I actually do. Deliver. Well, I'm delighted that this actually worked. I'd seen in Anna's Instagram the request for a good A &E story.

11:00Anna Williamson:Yeah, I did specifically ask for this. I work on an ambulance and I got a call to a female with abdominal pain, a pretty standard call for us. Expecting the usual run-of-the-mill call, we arrived at the patient's house and knocked on the door. It took the patient a while to come to the door. And we were thinking, well, what's taking her so long? The door then opened. This woman in her 50s was standing hunched over and in obvious pain, but had absolutely nothing on her bottom part. Oh, bless her heart. Stark bollock. Yeah, stark nun. Quickly trying to protect her dignity, we suggested going into the living room.

11:30Anna Williamson:And then, there it was. She turned around. Oh, my God. Fuck's sake. She turned around and had a letter opener hanging out of her arse. Well, sensible or not. Or not. But turns out she had been constipated and thought it would be a good idea to use a letter opener to help poke out her shit. That's not a good idea. They're like a mini sword. It broke off in her rectum. It broke off in her rectum and it was stuck half in, half out of her arse. We had to transport her on the stretcher to hospital with her bare arse facing me, sitting beside her in the ambulance. Lol. Never a dull day I could write a book.

12:14Anna Williamson:Call me Doreen. Well, that is a dead word. I mean, my nana had one of those and it was like a sword. Yeah. A miniature sword. It broke up. Do you know what? Someone wrote into this podcast with a great tip that I do sometimes use. If you're constipated, you just got to put your thumb in your nun. Thumb it out, yeah. And you push down. Does work. Through the wall of the nun into your bum and it pushes your poo out. That was one of our best hacks. I do that. Up there with my hack, which someone taught me, that was my pelvic floor lady, of when you do a poo, you sit bolt upright with your back against the back of the cistern, opens up the colon, slip a roo, out we go.

12:51Anna Williamson:Well, I do use the thumb in them sometimes. You do, I know, yeah. It's a good tip. It's a good tip. Don't use a letter opener up your arse. Better than a letter opener. Yes.

13:03We've got a rant from Jo next. She says, Right, Lou, Anna. I need to go off like full sirens blazing. Go on, girl. Why, and I mean why, are there still people out here They're acting like they only own the road when a literal fire engine with lights flashing and sirens screaming is trying to get through. Brenda's in the beige Nissan Micra. Love, what exactly are you doing? You're not Moses. The traffic's not passing for you by divine right. Move to the side. We've got paramedics trying to save lives. Brenda's out here having a full existential crisis in the middle lane. Like, should I go left?

13:41Should I go right? Should I just stop dead in the middle because of a pile-up and cause a pile-up? No, Brenda. You pull over. It's not rocket science. It's basic decency. And don't even get me started on the people who look annoyed at having to slow down. Sorry, Dave. Is the ambulance interrupting your Tesco run? Is your three for two on quiche more urgent than someone's actual cardiac arrest? Honestly, they should start issuing licences with a common sense test. Question one. You hear a siren behind you. What do you do? A. Pull over sensibly B. Panic, flail and block the entire road while staring at the rear view mirror like a confused meerkat If you answer B you won't get a licence You get a tricycle with a basket This is so good Anyway, that's all done Justice for emergency services and someone confiscate Brenda's keys Love the pod, love you all Keep being legends Don't keep me in on I'm Jo and I'm from Lincoln It's a good one

14:38Anna Williamson:It's a good one I saw someone flapping and faffing about the other day exactly that ambulance behind in rush hour on the a406 just pull over anyway right here is our we'll enjoy this new feature we're gagging for it uh so we uh have put out on our instagram the best slash worst timed love fast yeah oh this was i think because it happened to me last week i can't remember what happened oh what happened weren't you in a taxi yeah you always fart in taxi oh no that was it i farted in the taxi because it was really you know it was really hot so all the windows were open and we were quite slow going through london i was like safe time to do a guff because it's gonna go out the go but just as we did it clearly the driver must have thought it was too warm with the windows for the air con just as i farted you put all the windows up and the air con on and it just hot boxes eggy guff and no one said anything what you didn't say sorry no i just i know i i just think i think shall i pretend it's like a sulfur The smell is strong outside.

15:41Anna Williamson:Strong, the city smells. Disgusting London. Sulfur egg. So, yes, worst or best timed farts. Someone here has said, my husband farts to move people out of his way in the supermarket. Very smart. Smart farter. Oh, worst timed fart during Princess Diana's funeral. R.I.P. That's bad timed fart. You don't guff during Princess Diana's funeral. Why were they there? yeah so many questions I trained for a marathon with my earphones in I never heard any of my farts I thought they were silent IVF internal tracking scan legs on stirrups consultant arse end I still feel awful to this day I sneezed and farted in my year 6 SATS exams 26 years later it still haunts me years ago my sister's boyfriend told me she farted during sex and made his balls clang like cowbells.

16:43Anna Williamson:I farted on a beauty bed once. The beautician thought it was the train that called maintenance. When the midwife checked my third degree tear by gently spreading my cheeks, I farted. Wallop. I work in care and I often blame our patients. That's so mean. That's so bad. It's got to be a perk, isn't it? someone else said when someone gets put under anaesthetic I let it go and everyone thinks it's the patient just like this doctor in the theatre room already all scrubbed up wallop good one guys thank you so much look out for another we're gagging for it for next week on our socials we have got an Ask Luanna Anything now this has come in as a voice note and it's from Rachel good morning Luanna Mo just on my way to work and you know when you just start thinking about something and I've gone down a rabbit hole and now I need answers how celebrities are like being cancelled they make one tiny little mistake and suddenly like their entire career is put under the microscope and it comes like crashing down around them so I'm thinking like Blake Lively does that worry you like as celebrities do you think about it do you think about like what's going to be my town for because it's like you in my eyes you two have got right to the top oh does it then worry you that at some point someone's going to try and tear you down especially with like Anna still being on TV yeah it's like these are worries are you going to say one tiny thing yeah I suppose it gets edited it would be worse if it was live i guess but yeah i'm just thinking about all you have to do is say one tiny thing like blake likely and then 15 years worth of video footage is being trolled through with a fine tooth comb to tear her down does it worry you do you think about it or do you just go with the flow okay thanks lots of love rachel from solihull Rachel you sound so cute what happened to Blake Lively first isn't she in a court case with what's going on Bex who is it Justin Baldoni yeah what is it about he's a director of movies she's in movies there's been a whole thing it's been a thing what apparently did she say you know I see all these headlines I'll be honest with you I don't even know the story I didn't even know anything about Blake Lively there's a huge like spat going on around it Rachel that is such a sweet question um and yeah i'll be honest like i don't particularly worry about it because i don't think you can sort of worry about something too much but yeah it's definitely the sign of the times we're in um i'm pretty comfortable that i have a fairly squeaky clean back record and also i know that because you might not know this guys but when you work in telly and stuff like that um lawyers will always go through everything that you've done particularly on social media now all our contributors on Celebs Go Dating, everyone has full checks done just to ensure that they are not aligning with somebody that may have done or said something that is, you know, brings the company into disrepute.

20:07Anna Williamson:So I'm fairly comfortable with that. But yeah, I think, you know, we're in a very interesting time where I'm very aware of it, particularly as you point out, I do TV shows where I'm in a position of responsibility. I'm also governed by a governing body with my therapy work so I have to be very careful that I am giving the right advice I don't know why I do this podcast with me I do think that a lot I love doing this pod I am actually waiting for the day I'm cancelled and it just hasn't happened I mean I say loads of shit and I never seem to get cancelled but you don't say anything that's cancelledable yeah yeah but it is a good question well I am kind of cancelled from telly like a lot of Yeah, you say you're cancelled on telly.

20:52A lot of TV shows won't have me and stuff. Why is that? Because you're unpredictable? Yeah, too unpredictable. They worry about what I'm going to say. I might say, yeah. So I don't, that's why I don't really, to be honest, I do get asked to do telly. I say no a lot. Yeah, I'm not bothered. Most of the opinion things I get asked to do, like GB News this morning, Vanessa Phelps is always asking me to go on her show. And quite frankly, this sounds really bad, but I just can't be asked to get out of bed because the money's not good enough to make me trek. like an hour and a half into London for half a day.

21:23It's just not worth it. And so I can't really be asked to do stuff like that. And then like the fun shows that I would do, like I really wanted to do celebrity race around the world with my mum and they were like, you're not really BBC. Oh, really? Yeah, and I was like, fucking came from the BBC. And I actually know the booker for that. So that they then kind of won't have me. That doesn't bother me so much because I'm quite lazy now, really. I just like riding horses and going on holiday. and I kind of think well if I get cancelled that was the end of it I had a good run

21:51Anna Williamson:yeah and I think you're quite I'm surprised I haven't been but I'm lucky right to not worry about being cancelled because obviously I have a big buffer in Andrew so if I didn't earn any money it wouldn't be the be all and end all for me if you got cancelled it would be quite a different story because you're the breadwinner of your family you know you're the one that brings home the bacon I'm not my bit of money is just fucking extra for fluffing with horses Yeah, I think for me it's more that, you know... That's why I'm not bothered about being cancelled. You can juggle many... I mean, I'm not bothered about it, but I would hope that I wasn't because I'm very...

22:29Anna Williamson:You just never know, though, because they fucking cancels you for anything nowadays. I mean, it's just ridiculous, the thing... And, you know, people just take such umbrage over one fucking thing, and you just want to say, get the fuck over it. Come on, move on. I did nearly get... It was a bit iffy when I said about the NHS, wasn't it? But then I said that and then like three years later, people were saying the same thing as me. But on that, though, and this is why, to your point, why do I do this podcast with you? A, because obviously I love doing it, but it doesn't bother me at all in the slightest because I do stand on being able to be yourself.

23:03Anna Williamson:And that has really always been the linchpin of what we do. Yeah, I am broadcast trained within an inch of my life. It's just what I've done for 25 years. but at the same time I really enjoy doing projects that I enjoy doing that are fun you talking about the NHS you allowed your opinion and this is why I love doing this well that's the problem now you're not allowed an opinion and I will always stand on and I say if I got cancelled for having an opinion I would be okay with just going fine then I'm done for this but I would be genuinely if I'd made a mistake and I apologise for that mistake or whatever but if I said something that just wasn't in vogue or whatever, then I'd go, do you know what?

23:43Anna Williamson:I'm out. Because I think as long as you stand on your values and I stand on integrity and fairness and as long as everything I do is within that, then I'm good. So it's a good question, Rachel. The answer is no, we don't really get worried about you being cancelled. No, we don't. And if we do, well, we'll have to sort of figure that one out. Rachel, I'm waiting for the day. Still miffed while I haven't been cancelled. Well, it's thanks to Emma. Evening, by his remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what?

24:17Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com.

24:38Anna Williamson:Now, I've never told anyone this, but first up, Hi, Louisa, Anna and Nimmo. Love the pod and all that jazz. I've been pondering whether to send you my confession or not, but I finally decided to shot it. Go for it. Yeah, give me a granny name, Rita. I've never told anyone this, but let's go back 10 years. I woke up on my 30th birthday and I just thought, how did I get here? How did I get here? 30th, when you turned 30, that happened. Ugh, I wouldn't say. And then you turn 40 and it's fucking Tilly Tassels out, bitches. I wouldn't say I was unhappy. I had two beautiful children, a job I liked, good friends.

25:08Anna Williamson:but my marriage was unhappy. We'd been together since being teenagers and we'd grown so far apart I couldn't remember why we were together. I didn't feel like I could leave. I didn't want to break my family apart and I felt lost and trapped. I ended up doing something so stupid, so crazy and so out of character. To this day, I still can't believe I did it. I joined a dating site for married people. Oh, did she join... What's that? Oh, the American one. Probably not, but... But maybe, yeah. Oh, bloody hell. Ashley Madison. Ashley Madison, thank you. I joined a dating site for married people looking for an affair I don't know what I thought was going to happen I guess I wasn't thinking at all I soon got chatting to a man we ended up swapping numbers and would spend all day texting after a few weeks of this we decided to meet up what followed was an all-consuming affair she went balls deep she did babes I fell hard and fast I was addicted intoxicated the sex off the scale it was the most fabulous thing I'd ever had between my legs alright Jilly Cooper that was erotic that one line wasn't it just You got minged twitch.

26:08I could tell. You did. You did a wiggle. You did a worm. I've clenched. You did a worm wiggle in here.