TOTALLY EXTRA: A Corn Chug, A Giant Fridge & Who's Nicole?

0:00Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting, to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Best thing that's ever happened to you financially. Go. Easy. Sold my car on Carvana. Amazing offer. Really? I hit 200 on a scratcher.

0:38Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check? No. How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once. Okay, that's fair. It's like the lottery, except you always win. Not like the lottery at all, actually. Exactly. Inexplicably good. Offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bunts and general explicit content, but you are here and you know you love it. Oh, hello and welcome to Thursday. It's Luana, totally extra.

1:20Feliz Navidad. Have a merry, merry, merry, feliz Navidad. Happy holiday. Feliz Navidad.

1:32Great intro. I'm gearing up for my ruddy child's birthday, aren't I? It's ever so annoying having a Christmas baby. What was our actual due date? It was Christmas Eve, no? So the actual due date was New Year's Eve. That was the first New Year's Eve. But you had a really early. Yeah. So New Year's Eve was the original due date. And then they were like, I'm having an elective. S-section. so then they were like well 39 weeks is guess when that is christmas day christmas day so i was like great my midwife was like you never make it easy do you for yourself i was like no uh and then so i then begged my consultant he said i will monitor this baby uh he said as long as uh she continues to be healthy of weight and everything's well yeah because he was like i can either take her out the 27th i was like no not after i don't want her after christmas i said i can't on the I said, I can't do it.

2:26I said, look, if I'm doing all this faffing around, I want the choice of when I can have her. So anyway, the earliest he would deliver her was 38 plus 5. For those that are having babies, we'll know what that means. So 38 plus 5 fell on the 21st of December. So I was like, done. We'll have her then. So it's perfect because at least I had her, I got home on Christmas Eve. Yeah. And like at least we have like a couple of days. But it is, I'll be honest, we're over-simulated by Christmas Day. I could have just lied to her and told her her birthday is like the 12th. No, I wish I'd done that. I should have done that, actually.

2:59I did that once to Indigo. I need a wee. Because basically I did that charity horse race and it was like on her birthday in August. And she was only like two or something. And I had to leave our holiday in France to go back and do the race. And I just pretended her birthday was the day after. That's quite a good idea. She's none the wiser. No, no. But do you know what? She's so sweet, though. she said to me she went mommy when we break up from school can we please say that which they break up tomorrow um she said can we please tell the teachers that it's my birthday like on the day we break up because i want to ring the bell they all get to ring a bell like the lunch bell if it's their birthday so actually can you tell us i was like she's really she's like can i wear my birthday badge like i know my birthday's not for a few days but can i wear my birthday because she's second of august yeah so no one ever does it she's like i want everyone to know it's my birthday doesn't it?

3:47Anyway, listen, it is nearly Christmas. We are all crimboed up in this studio and if you want to see it, not just listen to it, go to YouTube and type in everything, Luanna, we have got a YouTube channel and all our episodes are on YouTube. Subscribe now. You can see us looking like Phil and Grant from EastEnders if you do that. So enjoy. Enjoy. Go and subscribe as well, please, guys. Right, let's smash into some messages. This is your ep. So misheard lyrics from Lois first. Hi, Luanna Mo. No need to keep anonymous. I'm Lois, a wedding photographer who edits to the soundtrack of your chaos. Yes.

4:18You're basically my work friends and it's usually just me and my Tasmanian devil of a nine month old. Cute. Just listen to the misheard lyrics bit and had to share a couple of corkers. Back in my nursery nurse days, back in my nursery nurse days where Disney was basically our national anthem, Let It Go came on and my friend casually said, who's Nicole? We all looked at each other confused. She then proceeded to belt out Nicole never bothered me anyway. What a dick. After a solid 30 seconds of laughing, we said The Cold, not Nicole. Still can't hear it properly without singing it. Nicole never bothered me anyway.

4:56Anyway, thanks. It's good for keeping me company while I edit my gorgeous couples. You're the best. Lois from Kent. Thanks, babe. Right, we've got another message coming on. So, Merry Christmas. It's what, Emma's... You're welcome. This is where we're up to now. Another Miss Had Song lyrics, but this is the Christmas edition. She says, we've just had Christmas songs on in the background and rocking around the Christmas tree came on. I've clearly never noticed the title as I've sang for as long as I can remember. Walking around the Christmas tree. My husband just looked at me and said, it's rocking.

5:30Look at the title. Like the sheer disdain of him saying that. Oh, stink eye. And from Rachel, she said, I always thought the lyrics in A Way in a Manger was Bless all the dear children in intensive care. Oh, my God. My God. Bless all the dear children in intensive care. I can't even remember. Bless all the dear children in thy tender care. Oh, yeah. Intensive care has got a good ring to it, to be fair. to my very young mind this made perfect sense I mean it does make sense I mean we do bless the children in intensive care but let's bless all the children who are in hospital over children but no it's obviously in thy tender care and yes I was around 25 years ago when I realised this it was love the pod Rachel from Dudley Dudley God bless you brilliant we've got a voice note now from anonymous so Mike brilliant best one ever this is a live confessional at quarter past eight in the evening on a Wednesday I hope this quality is great for you.

6:39Hello, Louisa and Anna and the rest of the team. I have just left a hookup. Tell me why, right? His kids are upstairs asleep. I had no idea. So it turned out after I finished sucking him off, giving him the best job of his life by the scenes and things, and wiping my lips, we're just getting them to chat about what he does. Turns out he's a teacher somewhere in school. I was looking around until we were chatting. Couldn't see any photos of kids or anything like that. and I said, oh, you've got a wedding ring on, are you married? He said, yeah, yeah, I've got a husband, which is fair enough, but we're a relationship, you do you, boo.

7:12Tell me why, he tells me, his kids are asleep upstairs. My jaw was on the floor more than his throbbing cock in my mouth at this point in time. I was like, your kids are upstairs and I've just sucked you off, I've just been telling you all the things I want to do to you. And he was like, yeah, they're fine, they're great sleepers. Is this an appropriate thing to do, whether or not the kids are asleep? Because I now feel very uncomfortable. I really hope they are asleep because of things I was saying and doing, and they can probably hear my pork throat gagging away. What do you reckon? Please and thank you.

7:39Oh, wait, wait. I'm shook. Just going to add to that, why am I now acting like an angel in a sink when I've just been on my knees for the past 30 minutes rushing home from a sweaty gym class to go suck a man off and now I'm concerned about his kids and his marriage? Well, you have a conscience, that's why. I mean, yeah, I mean, the kids in the house, it's risky, mate. That's a bit harsh. It's risky. I'm telling you, kids hear everything. My kids, they got bad ears. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. Oh, I'd feel very... But you didn't know, so don't beat yourself up. You've got nothing to, like, be feel bad about.

8:12Don't beat yourself up, honey. You just go suck their cuck. Right, listen, there's only one day left because tomorrow one of you or one person somewhere that's entered this competition... Well done. ...around the world... She's doing well. ...might be half a million pounds richer. Let's say that again. half a million pounds half a million pounds that is a lot of goddamn money it's a hell of a lot of smackeroonies listen it is today when you're listening to this hopefully you're listening on the day this pod has dropped Thursday the 18th but tomorrow on Friday the 19th of December a celebrity could be calling you with probably the biggest present you'll ever receive in your life and definitely one that you'll never forget a huge 500 ,000 pounds half a million smackeroonies it will go into your bank account straight away but you've got to be in it to win it.

9:03You certainly have. So for your chance to win a massive£500 ,000 just text the word Luana to 82200. That's L-U-A-N-N-A to 82200. That literally is it. Text COST250 plus your standard network rate or you can enter online via Global Player. Lines close at 5pm Friday the 19th of December. That's when you'll need to be by your phone in case it rings. You've got to be 18 or over. get the rules, online and free entry details for this global network competition at globalplayer.com forward slash win. Right, next up, voice note for Anonymous. So, Willa Fisfit. Was that you? Willa Fisfit? Willa Fisfit. That's what she says to Nail on a Friday night.

9:52The worst thing in the world has just happened to me and who do I want to tell Luanna? Oh my goodness gracious me. So I'm away with work, just checked into the hotel. long day at work what's the first thing you do go to the loo needed a poo all day saved it relaxing in the hotel room go for a poo chain doesn't flush oh shit I'm flushing flushing flushing left it for about an hour still not flushing flushing and I think what the hell am I going to do so I went in my pocket I've got a dog so used a poo bag to get the poo out of the toilet it's been sitting there an hour the poos were disintegrated still I pull it out fine put it in the bin put the tissue down the loo and I'm heading out so I thought I'd go to reception and just report it quickly head up to get some dinner and then when I come back problem solved nobody has to see me so I go out to reception hi um I think that's a problem with the flush on the loo oh sure do you want me to come and have a look at it now no no no no no I don't it's fine thank you um it's fine no no come on are you sure I'll come and have a look at it I had to walk behind this guy who is following into my room with the poo in the loo.

10:57He opens the loo and he flushes the chain and the poo goes down the loo. I was so embarrassed. I've just run out and I hope I never see this guy again. Oh my God, please keep me anonymous. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Yeah, I agree. Mortified! You basically got escorted to a toilet to flush your shit. It's gone. Basically, he probably thought you just wanted to see... You wanted him to see...

11:28Right, next up, message from Emma to Luanna and our wonderful Imo. She is very wonderful. If this doesn't make the pod, please pass this on to the girls. This is fine. We got it. We got it. We're here. I found Luanna in Feb this year through TikTok. How's it going? Tickety-tack. Tickety-tack. I told myself I couldn't write in until I had caught up. Well, beep, beep. I'm here. I'm a cleaner. Beep, beep. Hello, darling. so my long lonely hours have been filled with you three and I cannot be more grateful. Of course Anna I have done all the back catalogue. You've worn all these listeners down to listen back.

12:02I have and you are my favourite so thank you. Welcome to my gang. I have been through Covid. Oh bless you. Lou's back. Oh that was big. Oh the tramadol era. Enzo calling everyone tossers. Oh that was so good. That was so good. Hello you tossers. We need to bring that back now. Because we're a lot more popular since then. That was good. We need to recycle that. And also, that kid, let me tell you, he's just gone on to become even more that kid. Like, literally, the lip he was giving me this morning. Hello, tusses. Hello, you tusses. He was giving me a right old lip yesterday. And, of course, our immo's wedding, which had me crying like a baby in a client's toilet because you really deserve the happiness you found.

12:42That's so cute. Babes, you are committed and we thank you. But you say you would like to thank us because Lou, listening to you going through your battles with being neurodivergent has actually led me to being diagnosed with ADHD, something I never thought I could do. Welcome to the fold. Yes. Anna, your caring advice to others, bless you, has made my relationship the strongest it's been in 10 years. If you want more advice, you could head to... Oh, yes, you could head to the relationship place at Code UK. Thanks, Lou. Actually, we'll have a few little special offers going in. This is basically our Wikipedia.

13:15Look, read on. And all of your books are in my Amazon basket now. Thank you very much. Not checked out, though. But there's four of them. Get them all. Thank you very much. Not quite going through with it. Just press the checkout if you can. That'd be lovely. We're at a 12.5 % commission. Thank you. You've been so open about the highs and lows of motherhood, which has made me feel like I'm not crazy or alone. Oh, this is the point of Luanna, babes. Thank you. I'm 28 with an eight-year-old. Imo, your voice is amazing. and when I feel the anxiety creeping up your voice instantly soothes me. Oh. Oh babe, please start doing audio books or voiceovers.

13:52You do have a lovely voice. You do have a good voice. You do. Do you think? Yeah, very soothing. Yeah, you sound like harsh. When I listen back to the pod I really enjoy your contribution. It really soothes. I don't listen back. No, I know. But she would enjoy your contribution. Do you know what though? Sorry, just going to interject about me not listening back and you two do listen but obviously Emma has to and you're a good person so you do. But I was talking to someone the other day and they were asking about the pod. Actually, it was a taxi driver. Oh, right. And he recognised me. And he said, oh, you know, you see on Jeremy Vine, I said, oh, I can't bother to do anything like that anymore.

14:22I said, also, TV won't really have me. I'm too outspoken. He said, what do you do now? I said, I've got a podcast now. I said, it's brilliant because I can say whatever I want. He said, oh, can you? I said, yeah, it's really good. And I said to him, but on reflection, I actually don't know what I'm saying because it gets edited and I never listen back. So I can be really buzzing thinking I love doing the pod because I can say whatever I want. And then I just thought, Imo could just be editing me and editing me away. Let me just say, Imo keeps it real. She sails close to a wind. I do. She does.

14:54I actually do. She actually does. I appreciate that. She actually does. I do fight for you. What, when they tell you to take things out? Yeah, I do. Do you? I do, yeah. See? Do my accents stay in? Some. Depends which ones. Depends which ones they are. You would be very happy. Okay. Anyway, sorry about that. We're carrying on with the most, probably the nicest message we've ever received, guys. She says, I'm not all that close with my family and that's okay. Oh, darling, because I feel like I've found a new family. You three are really worth your weight in gold. You somehow make all the problems in the world disappear for a little while.

15:28And for that, I'm eternally grateful. Emma from Rutland. Emma, thank you. That is so lovely. We do love you. Thank you, babes. If you want to meet more like-minded people, do join our Facebook group, Everything Luanna Official, because you will meet your crew there too. And come to Luanna the Big Party next October if you can get a ticket. Come as a Luanna loner. Yeah, and we'll make friends for you. And you'll hook up with them. Yeah. Right, voice note rant from Lydia. Hello, Luannamo. This is a rant. It's not live, but you'll understand why. Beautiful, crystal quality. It's not live in a minute.

16:03I'm a trucker. So this morning I was driving down the M5, waiting to pull off onto a slip road. There's a van in front of me going very slowly, weaving around a little bit, like just driving like a bit of a prick, really. So I was like, I'll give him a bit of space. Wondering if he was actually going to get it off himself on the slip road. Anyway, I pull up the slip road. He stays on the motorway. I happen to glance across to see what the fuck he's doing. And there is a man, middle-aged, big fat beer belly with a dick in his hand, having a really good wank and trying to drive at the same time.

16:39I was like, oh dear fucking God. This is the M5. The M5 is a shit piece of motorway. People have crashes here all the time. There's been plenty of people that have died on this motorway over the last few years. Please engage your brain and don't do that while you are driving on a motorway. Pull over to the services or into a lay-by and do it safely from the comfort that you're not going to cause an accident and cause harm to other people. What the fuck is wrong with these men? I mean, intelligence, any brain cells, any at all, like completely left your body while you decided to have a wank on the fucking motorway on a Monday morning?

17:18What an idiot. Okay, Lou has done that. But have you been driving a motor lorry on the M5? No, not on the M5. Not on the M5, just the M5. You're ringing someone. I'm calling the Luanna phone, lol. Oh, fine. Well, thank you for that. We've got a Petsy Polly up next from Anon, so Candy Pants. Hi, Luanamo. I've got an anonymous top-tier Petsy Polly for you. Whenever my boyfriend annoys me, maybe an argument, maybe he's acting like a full knob jockey, I've discovered the most beautiful punishment known to womankind. I secretly disconnect only his devices from the Wi-Fi. Everything else in the house works perfectly.

17:59My phone, full bells. Streaming, crystal clear. Here's precious PC, offline dead, abandoned by the internet gods. The best part, this petty pleasure is instant. And I can let it last seconds, minutes or hours, depending on the level of knobhead behaviour. Power trip unlocked. He has absolutely no idea I can do this. He genuinely thinks the internet just suffers from random collapses, like it's Victorian plumbing. Meanwhile, I'm upstairs pressing my little disconnect button like a silent Wi-Fi assassin. The other night, the gaming volume was so loud, I could hear every rage scream from another room.

18:35So obviously, click, silence, bliss, spiritual healing. I usually reconnect it after my petty hit, but this time, I accidentally fell asleep. Medieval grin. He was so convinced the internet had died that he literally drove half an hour to pick up a new cable because he thought the wire had broken. No, sweetie, it's just your behaviour. Anyway, I love you ladies. You keep me laughing constantly. And trust me, I've got many. more Petty Pollies to send in. Signed, Anonymous, Wi-Fi Sabotage. Excellent work. How do you do that? Excellent work. Sometimes you can get like an app. I think I have an app that controls my Wi-Fi and it has all the devices that are connected on it and you can go into them and disconnect them.

19:17I don't know. That's a good one. I might have banged that one up. Right, Petty Polly next from Anonymous, so one to sit on. Excellent. Hi, Luanimo. Writing in with a Petty Polly on behalf of my bestie. There's a lot more where this comes from. Send it in, please. She was with her boyfriend for seven years. They had a house and mortgage together and also owned a business together in his family name. Let's call him Rob the Knob. The business they owned together was in the food sector. So once they spit up, my friend was trying to sort everything out on what would go where. They had a giant industrial fridge, which he didn't want her to just get rid of.

19:49So she messaged him on multiple occasions to ask what he wanted to do with it. And he was really flaky, saying he'd get it sorted, but he never did. And then Rob the Knob blocked her. So she did what any pissed off woman lumbered with a giant fridge would do and she called a large courier company and arranged a collection of fridges. I would do this. And for it to be delivered to his doorstep. She gave his name and number and told them he would pay cash on delivery. Oh, this is brilliant. But he wasn't in. So they just left the fuck off fridge on the driveway and sent a picture for her to confirm the job had been done, which was then forwarded onto our girls' WhatsApp group.

20:24The best part of the story is that a couple of days later, to the new girlfriend posted on one of those Facebook selling pages a picture of the fridge still on his doorstep asking if anyone could collect the fridge. Attached pictures now. Hopefully it's still there and he can hang his Christmas lights on it to dress it up a bit. Unlucky, Rob the Knob. That is a massive fridge. Wait for it. Are we allowed to post this? No, we won't because it's his house. It literally is basically blocking his front door. It's fucking huge. Imagine the height of the house. You know when you go to Greg's Bakery and you've got the fridge that has all the drinks in and the sandwiches in?

21:01It's the size of that. But I wonder who paid the company then. It was right outside the kitchen window as well. Oh my God, that is brilliant. So good! Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

21:39Wayfair, every style, every home. Evening, buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice. I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. We've got a shit gift next from Rachel. She says, hi, Luanimo. Sending festive wishes from the beautiful Isle of Wight.

22:18I have a festive shit gift for you all. this was a present from a secret Santa at my old workplace many years ago. I'd got married to my lovely husband in the September and come December I put my name in the hat for the secret Santa. We had to take our gifts home as we closed the festive period so I opened my gift next to the Christmas tree at home in my lounge with my husband of three months. At first glance I thought maybe the actual gift had just been put inside this random kitchenware box. I ripped the box open to find the real present. But no, I really had been gifted an obviously secondhand asparagus dish for one.

22:54My secret Santa, what the fuck, the budget was 15 quid as well. I will note that although I was a bit miffed at this gift initially, I did actually go on to use it hundreds of times for lots of different things before I accidentally smashed it one day. RRP, aspaza dish. Many years later. so maybe not such a shit gift after all love you all Rachel from the Isle of Wight can I also do a shout out to my beautiful friend Harriet who introduced me to your podcast oh thank you well done Harriet you've done your job we always say intro a friend exactly right confessions I've never told anyone this but first up Hi Luana Mo male Lufanian here or Lumanian if you like that's what we call you guys got a poo story here if you're interested always yep please keep me anonymous with the porn star name Paul Bag right pool bag pool bag pool bag pool bag brilliant on one idle afternoon I made the I can just tell it's going to be good by the way the men's stories I'm just waiting there can always be a bit rank but that's cool I made the journey over to the big the big Tesco that's it super stuff yeah for the weekly shop the extra that's it you know you're in for a three hour shop don't you when you go to that god worst nightmare I collected a trolley passed through the automatic doors and then a sudden pain in my stomach hit me out of nowhere as it was time to hit the lavatory fast.

24:12My belly hurt so much I was actually doubled over with pain. I was starting to sweat and my eyes were glazing over. I knew this wasn't going to be a whistle stop. So I ditched the trolley next to the photo me booth, made my way up the corridor into the toilet, locking the cubicle door with milliseconds to spare. I dropped my kegs and proceeded to utterly ruin the toilet pan. Noises coming out of my arse, echoing so loud and disgusting, mixing with the sound effects of sloppy shit hitting the water and the back of the pan. The relief of creating... Men are so rank. The relief of creating this war zone in the toilet prompted me to let out a thank God and sweet Jesus as I wiped the sweat from my brow.

24:49Then I had a somewhat effeminate throat clearing sound from the cubicle next to mine. My eyes lit up with the realisation that I may be in the women's toilet by mistake. I'd been in such a rush to get to the loo, I hadn't even looked for a sign on the door. I unlocked my cubicle door to peek out and see if there were any urinals on the wall. There wasn't. I was a 40-year-old man in a woman's toilet in a supermarket. People get locked up for these kind of things these days. My arse was burning and fragile. So with no Imodium to hand, I grabbed a few squares of bog roll and created a makeshift sanitary towel.

25:23My arse. Plugging my butthole like corking a bottle of wine and rushed the fuck out of there hoping to not be seen. I had escaped. But the story doesn't end there. I completed my shopping trip and got home. first to change my boxer shorts and remove my arse tampon only to find it wasn't there. I inspected my jeans. It wasn't there. I retraced my steps from the car to my flat. My shit covered rag was nowhere in sight. The likelihood is that while I was shopping it had dislodged and slid down my jeans as I walked thus landing on the floor somewhere. This is my apology to the staff member at the big Tesco in Redditch who found my green slash yellow diarrhoea rag in one of the aisles.