TOTALLY EXTRA: A Pencil Full of Lead, Pubey Revenge & Diabetic Barbie

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you are here, guys. Welcome. It's Thursday and this is a big fat Luana Totally Extra episode. Certainly is. I am buzzing today, girls. Did you like that? I really enjoyed that, yes. Did you?

0:25Anna Williamson:I saw you getting a bit of a mingething. Well, in fairness, I'm going to say that was a nine and a half out of ten. Is it someone farted? Not me. I didn't get to my breath. You got the death breath from the last week's episode. The death breath. I think I have. I'm in a really good mood because I've got Lou's top. Do you like that? It looks really nice. I actually really like it. Can I have it? Yeah, you can have it. Thank you. Good. I've got loads of stuff you can have. Thanks. I actually need a bit of a freshen up. You can just braid my wardrobe. I'm getting rid of loads of stuff. What is that flap thing called?

0:55A flap hash. A pizza pan.

0:56Anna Williamson:collar. It is a Peter Pan collar. It's called a flappage. It's called a flappage. A flappage. But I like my little denim shirt, Nick Toffle. Do you know, I always like it with Lou. She's so generous. I was like, she's like, do you want to borrow a shirt? I was like, yes, please. And she's like, do you like it? I was like, yeah. She's like, do you want it? I was like, yeah. So I just, you know, just have to plant the seed. It looks nice. The buttons are particularly nice too. I think they're really lovely. Little popper. Yeah. See, because you can wear it just open or you can do it up tuck it in.

1:24It's quite a versatile shirt. Anyway listen enough guff about us. Yes. Let's muff hunt in to our first message this is from Anonymous so Isla Vanell. Isla Vanell. Isla Vanell. That's a good one was that you and I look how proud she is. Very good. Isla Vanell. Yes. Brilliant. She says hi Luanna Mo relatively new listener here. I listen to you every single day and you give me so much joy i'm finally in 2025 and i'm going to be gutted when i'm all caught up guess i'll just have to start them all again i have a new feature for you songs you absolutely cannot listen to anymore oh i've got one also i've just remembered i bought us a game what game it's it's in my boot room it's a song lyric game like guessing the wrong song yeah i I bought it.

2:16I forgot I bought it. That sounds fun. I'll have to get it out for the next ep. Yeah. So for context, this is the story that made me think this would be a good feature. I was 18 at the time, started dating this lad who was tall, dark and handsome, had money, drove a nice car and treated me like an absolute princess. Basically everything an 18-year-old girl wanted. He was so lovely. And when it came to the bedroom, he was always very generous. as in he would always do things to me, not expect anything back, winner at first. Then I started to notice every time I put my hand near him, he would bat it away.

2:53Well, it started to bother me. As nice as it was to have someone just pleasuring me, I actually wanted some D in the V. So one night, we've been out on a lovely date. He bought me a bottle of wine, which I drank by myself. He was driving. we got back to his and the usual started him going down on me then in my drunkenness I decided enough I pushed him down on the bed and I went to go down on him and nothing happened he was as soft as a sock this is why I tried putting it in my hands my mouth desperately fumbling around sounds like starting a fire flopping it she's like come on come on floppy joe I tried putting it in my mouth my hands tried kissing his neck and working my way down, nothing worked.

3:41No matter what, it just stayed limp. He didn't even say anything. He just lay there with his little limp sausage hanging out. We got the pressure. We awkwardly got dressed and I asked if he could take me home as I'd college the next day. The car journey was the most awkward drive of my life. It was deadly silent. So I turned the radio on to break the silence. And what song came on? Paolo Natini. pencil oh no pencil full of lead oh stupid I wanted the car to crash there how does it go that song

4:22is that called pencil full of lead yeah god bless them I wanted the car to crash there and then and in that moment I couldn't help this build up of laughter about to erupt of me safe to say we didn't stay together much longer after that oh he just needed some Viagra and a bit of confidence and I cannot ever listen to that song without thinking of that little limp dick. Please keep me in on purely so I can see what name Mimma gives me.

4:46Anna Williamson:Love you girls lots and lots. It's like when Driver Dave was taking that lady to the funeral and then no one in the car came do do do do do do another one buzzed for dust. I can't bear Celine Dion my heart will go on. Every night in my dreams. What's the song but why? I think because when I was at school there was this girl and I really wanted to play the piano and I couldn't and she could and not only could she play the piano she could also really sing and then in the break time we used to go and she'd play the piano and sing that song and then I wanted to sing the song and she never let me sing the song and now I hate that song I can't remember her name it's going to really annoy me that I can't remember her name that's a real emotional attachment to that that song that I can't stand there's no emotional attachment to it but if I ever hear and it's always on heart is Neo Closer closer it's I cannot stand it I hate it when I hear the opening bar the gives you the I'm like get it off get it off get it off I'd rather listen to anything than that yeah I can't bear it Im go on what's your ick song I don't have very many I don't think that I hate I I've had enough of Bruno Mars full stop yeah isn't that If I hear Uptown Funk one more time.

6:08Yeah. Is that Bruno? Yeah, that is sadly. Is that Bruno? That is Bruno. Well, no. That's my Nana song. But mainly Uptown Funk. Oh, I don't like Uptown Funk. I can't hear it again.

6:19Anna Williamson:I can't hear it anymore. And I'm also, and I hate to say this, girls, because I was loving it, but my kids have killed the vibe on bloody Depop thingy. K-pop Demon Hunters. Oh, Golden. That was stuck in my head all day yesterday. Oh, well, actually, Enzo's moved on from Golden to the Soda Pop one. You're my soda pop, my little soda pop.

6:41Anna Williamson:I actually like it, guys. I like it. I'm now getting to, well, every day comes in. Alexa, play! I'm like, oh, God. I got bored of Apatow. Oh, yeah, that one. I saw this TikTok that was like, say a prayer for every person going into panto who's going to have to sing Golden at 10 a.m. It's so cute. How does it go, Golden? Golden. I'm going to do it. Pop, pop, pop. La, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la.

7:09Anna Williamson:I love it. I love it. Now we've pissed off everybody listening because that's back in your ear. Right. Yeah, anyway. Right, let's crack on. We've got a voice note from a non. So, vanilla front, bottom.

7:27Hello, this is a live incoming rant. I've just listened to your Monday's podcast where Louisa says about the ladybugs and ladybugs, ladybugs, ladybugs, don't know. I thought I would share my story with the little fuckers on... I got married in April and we were going to the venue the night before. We planned to go out for dinner, go drop all our stuff there, go for dinner, have a chill and then get ready, obviously, for the wedding in the morning. But we checked into our room and it was infested with the ladybugs. So good. Birds make them sound nicer and they're not. So we checked into the room and then literally hung my dresser up and then all of a sudden there's all these ladybirds everywhere.

8:16I'm freaking out because they're going to pee or get marks all over my perfect white dress. So then we have a whole absolute nightmare for two hours trying to change rooms or trying to get rid of them first. Then we change rooms and then we go to another room and they're in there so we have to change rooms again. So then by this time I miss out on my dinner. I miss out on having a nice chilled night before my wedding. So they ruined the night before my wedding. So I agree they are shitbags and they need to fuck right off. If this makes a pod, I will be amazed. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.

8:55P.S. I love you all. They stink and they leave a yellow stain. They stink.

9:01Anna Williamson:Awful. Oh, look. Mishad lyrics. That's what we were talking about. Love this. Mishad lyrics. An update from Rebecca. Hi, ladies. Thank you for keeping me laughing on my drive to and from my horses every day. You're all amazing. I have a misheard lyric. I'm 44. Ditto. And it was only last year when in the car with my husband and Paved Paradise came on the radio. Did I ask him, why are the gay people building a parking lot? confused he asked me what I was on about and I repeated my question and sang the gay paradise put gay paradise put up a parking lot he corrected me I was mortified I had been singing it wrong all this time also I contacted you oh yes listen up gang I also contacted you previously to say I believed the ginger cat the dirty ginger cat dumper dumped had been visiting me daily I mean if you're a long term listener you will remember the cat, the ginger cat that got dumped in Durling.

9:58Go back and listen. Can't remember what episode it is so just go back and listen to them all.

10:02Anna Williamson:Exactly. She said well I took the cat in, named him Ginge, got his bits chopped off and microchipped him. Very responsible owner. It cost me a fortune. Only for him to get run over by a school bus a few months later I was gutted. R.I.P Ginge. Sorry about Ginge. Keep doing what you do, make us laugh. Thanks Rebecca.

10:24We've got a petty poly from a non now, so Clemmy dear. That's so bad, you've took the piss out of my kids' names again. Oh, Chlamydia. Why don't you ever do it to Anna's kids' names? It wasn't me. A listener actually wrote in with that idea, and I thought it was hilarious. No one's got Indy's name yet.

10:43Anna Williamson:No, I can say Enzo and Eleonora have got off quite easily. They must be one. Right, Clemmy dear says, Hello, ladies. Quick petty poly for you. years ago my sister split up with her cheating gaslighting arsehole of an egg hooray he was waiting for his dream personalised number plate to come up for auction a fact that would later be used against him she decided to bid on it knowing he would stop at nothing to win a plate which should have cost him a few hundred quid set him back three and a half grand a dickhead tax if you will I like to call it a c**t tax yeah such sweet revenge and something that brings us joy every time we see a personalised number plate thanks Good one, good one.

11:23Anna Williamson:And Snip and Serve Sally has sent one in. Says, big, big hello, Luanimo. Absolutely love you, girls. Thank you, darling. The work you do, getting us through daily life, the pod and all that jizz. So here we go, ladies. Settle in for rather extremely petty poly slash annoying things our husbands do to piss us off. Catchy. This is a story I've only told a few people. And I want to start by saying I truly love my husband. And he is my best friend and a brilliant dad to our two girls. But this was deserved. So throwback to autumn 2019. when I was three weeks postpartum and my husband made a little cheeky remark about how I hadn't shaved for some time.

11:57Anna Williamson:Now don't get me wrong he was right and I definitely was just about showering let alone doing anything extra at this point but as the weeks passed the comments became a little more often and he was now eager to get bedroom antics started again which I was definitely not as I was still very bruised and sore and I just didn't have it in me oh I remember but it was definitely wearing me down hearing these little comments and definitely started to piss me off more and more. So I thought, right, darling, I'm going to give you a little treat. So one night after he'd had a hard day at work, all day, I decided to cook him a lovely prawn linguine.

12:27Anna Williamson:A lovely little prawn linguine, but with an added special ingredient. As he sat down and tucked into his dinner, I had lovingly prepared. I could see that he kept looking at it with some concerns. What has she done? I know, I'm desperate to know this. But he didn't dare question it as I was still very emotionally fragile and would have eaten him alive if he dared question my freshly prepared meal that I had slaved over for him. So still very dubious, he kept eating. He kept looking at me like his own way of seeing if I was going to give up, if I'd done something or not. But still, he carried on eating.

12:59After he'd finished it, I couldn't hold my laughter in any more.

13:03Anna Williamson:This is when he looked at me with pure fear in his eyes, asking me what was so funny. This is when I stood up and pulled my trousers down and showed him my freshly shaved vag and asked if he'd enjoyed his extra special pube linguine. Do you know what I love about this? She didn't just relish in him eating it. She let him eat it, and then she just fucking fessed up to it. Like, Robert rubbed his face in her. He's just been gagging on her pubes. This woman is a queen. The brass of being able to just say it to his face. Yes, ladies, I had shaved that day, especially for his pleasure, and I'd saved my pubes up and flavoured his dinner with them.

13:38Anna Williamson:Safe to say, stop making little comments, and I spent a good few weeks recovering in peace. I would just love to know what his reaction was. Did he just take it lying down? Clearly. And if you're all wondering, oh, if he didn't divorce me, we're still happily married. Funnily enough, he kept his thoughts to himself after our second daughter was born. It's got to see, you've got to just, you know, make it count. Please keep me a non, call me Snip and Serve, Sally, a.k.a. the pettiest Polly. I think you're genius. Oh, that's round of applause. Very, very good. We've got a voice note rant from Kat next.

14:06Hello, ladies. Very clear. I'm a TV listener for many, many years. Right, that's the you-know-what days. I have a little rams. She's gone into a recording studio. I know, quite a white winds me up, but she freaking really, really grinds my gears. Right, this last, I've noticed it in the last few years, if you go to a restaurant, bar, whatever, people say, can I get the salmon? Can I get, you know, the Chardonnay? Can I get, no, it's not can I get, it's please may I have. We're not American, we're British, we, you know we're losing all those values we have manners, we'd like to think we have manners please people, it costs nothing please may I have, not can I get thanks ladies

14:53Anna Williamson:love you all, bye and I pull up my son on saying he goes I'm done, I'm going you're not done I'm finished, I'm done my kids keep saying bro the little ones he's like bruh to me and that's six, seven have you heard of this? it's been named like the word of the year has it? 6-7 also Imogen fuck off it was 69 in Arden let me tell you it's a lot more enjoyable would you like to award a gold for that excellent quality that was 10 out of 10 qualitar thank you very much yes love that right Marie she says hey girls love the pod and all that jizz I hope this reaches you and I would love this to be read on the pod to thank a very kindly Fannion for me this is longish so as Anna says settle in peace I wanted to say an absolute massive thank you to a lady called Sharon I hope she doesn't mind me naming and shaming who helped me out through the everything Luanna Facebook group I'm hoping she hears this and she will understand why this kind gesture means so much to me I've been trying to get the diabetic Barbie doll which has been sold out I didn't even know they did one which has been sold out absolutely everywhere that I've looked apart from in America no good when I'm in Lancaster and I didn't want to pay over the top prices of people selling them on eBay and Amazon.

16:14So I reached out on the group. That's our Everything Luana official Facebook group, guys. If you're not on there, check it out. To ask if anyone had a spare they were selling or seen for sale as I wanted one for my niece's Christmas present. And God bless Sharon's soul. She had seen you can get them in Target or Walmart somewhere in America and she kindly offered to look for one as she was going to America over the halftime break. fast forward a couple of weeks and I've got the diabetic Barbie with some extra added sweets which was a lovely surprise what Sharon does not know is why this Barbie meant so much for me to get she knew I wanted it for my niece's Christmas but what she didn't know was that I myself am a type one diabetic who has just been put on an insulin pump after two years on the waiting list for one and that's why I wanted this Barbie for her to show we're both the same and I myself am actually a diabetic Barbie.

17:06So for some who saw the post, they may have thought just get a different Barbie, but this is why I was desperately wanting it as it's like me and a lot of other people who just don't know. So I'm hoping that you'll help me thank Sharon. She was a complete stranger who doesn't know me from Adam. She's just made my year by doing this lovely gesture. Thank you again. I really appreciate it. And it really does show the power of Lufanians pulling together on that group. all my love Marie from Lancaster

17:33Anna Williamson:that is lovely maybe you should all come to our Luanna the big party get your tickets now meet each other yes next year 3rd October yeah 2026 at the Trox just go to everythingluanna.com to get your tickets that is a beautiful story time thank you guys for some confessions I've never told anyone this but first up oh she's not here today but she'll love this hi Luanny Mecks wow every now and again she gets a little mention do you know what though ims you've been cut quite down there you're just the luan e you're just the e no yeah im i am same as me same as you oh yeah in fact bex has actually taken the majority yeah fuck off bex i've just listened to thursday's totally extra where the girl messaged in about telling outrageous lie to sell more tote bags so good that was they went to charity the clock was it Whilst I didn't lie about charity, it did remind me of when I was younger and used to steal from my own brother.

18:36Anna Williamson:When we were both in secondary school, he had been saving one pound and two pound coins in an enormous tin for the best part of a year. You've got a good few hundred quid in there, I bet. Our parents both worked quite late and it was our responsibility to walk the dogs when we got off the bus from school. It was a whole ordeal as they would pull in different directions. We lived on a busy road with lots of traffic, people and other dog walkers. So it was a real ordeal for one person to manage. On a daily basis, we took this in turns, until one day I offered to pay him£4 to take the dogs out on my day to walk them under.

19:06Anna Williamson:This is going to be so good. In his desperate efforts... Oh, bless him! I would have totally done this to my younger brother. In his desperate efforts to save, he accepted. And this carried on for several months. Little did he know that whilst he was out walking the dogs, I would break into his jar, steal the£4 and give it to him when he arrived. So smart. for months he thought he was saving more and more money when in fact I was sat chilling he was being royally scammed he did eventually buy his guitar and obviously he didn't count the funds regularly as I was never caught out we're both in our late 20s, 30s now and best friends but I still haven't told him of the deceit please keep it anonymous and Imo give me a wicked alias I deserve it for my treachery oh that is such a good confession I would have so done that to my younger brother Joe I really would have done Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun.

19:59An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it.

20:14Anna Williamson:Tonight, we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up these mail. Bye. Next up, At that time, I caused a full-blown electrical emergency because of my power drill. Signed, Mavis, from Milton Keynes. Big up, big up. Right, first off, I'm a lesbian. So before anyone gets the wrong idea, there are no sausages involved in this story, all right? I mean, thank you for clarifying. Thanks, Mavis. We were all wondering. A couple of years ago, me and my girlfriend were living with a roommate. Said roommate always had her girlfriend around. And both me and my girlfriend worked night shifts.

20:53One night I finished work early and I thought, lovely, got the flat to myself. Now, I'd just bought a new power drill. And by power drill, I mean the wand, you know, the one, the kind of tool that comes with its own sound effects. Anyway, I decided to give it a go. Just a quick test run, I thought. 20 minutes with that vibrating wand. Jesus, your clit will be burnt off. Oh, no, babes. Two or three at the most. Two hours later, I was still going and then I felt baby. She rubbed it off. Jesus, remember when you nearly rubbed your clit off.

21:28Anna Williamson:It's been some dark times down there, girls. Remember when you had your little ulcer? My vulval ulcer. Where she flicked her feet. The days of the vulval ulcer. I don't think it was that. Two hours later, I was still going and then I fell asleep. The next morning, I wander into the living room and there they all are. My girlfriend, my roommate and her girlfriend, they're all sat there smirking. I'm like, morning everyone, all right? Trying to act casual. Then my roommate hits me with, what was that buzzing noise last night? It went on for hours. Panic. Absolute sweaty. Heart-stopping panic. And instead of just admitting the truth, my brain decides to go full drama queen.

22:09I blurt out, oh yeah. The plug socket in my room overheated, nearly set the place on fire. My phone must have been buzzing on and off charge all night. That's a good lie. Somehow they believed me. Didn't stop there though. Oh no. They were so paranoid about an electrical fire that we spent two days with no electric on. Stop. No lights, no kettle, nothing. And my girlfriend called the landlord and his stepdaughter to come and check the faulty wiring. She even asked for a rent reduction because the flat was unsafe. At that point I had no choice. I pulled her into the bedroom, bright red, mortified and confessed.