TOTALLY EXTRA: A Pregnant Hit and Run, Brown Tidemarks & Lu Eats Her Words

0:00Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may apply. This is a Global Player original podcast.

0:35Anna Williamson:Be warned, it's Luana. And this podcast contains honest upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it. Good morning. It's Thursday and it's Luana Totally Extra with... What's your name, babes? Louisa. Louisa. She's got a bit of a dicky throat. She's got a dick in her throat today. Me, Anna, and of course, who are you? Imogen. M-O. minge minge minge is going to talk more than normal yeah I've got to make up for Louisa because she's she's a mute she now gets paid per word guys imagine she wishes yeah we all bloody wish now listen do you know what before we even crack on this is your episode please do make sure you follow us on your favourite podcast platform and that you subscribe on YouTube please it's very important isn't it Imogen it's very important why Imogen because it means you get the episode as soon as it drops onto your feed and you can listen to us and be the best person ever.

1:34Anna Williamson:So follow, follow, follow, subscribe, follow, subscribe.

1:40Anna Williamson:I've had two coffees. It's dreadful. Message from Paula slash Eton Beaver said in an Aussie accent. So what, the whole thing? The message is here? Eton Beaver. Eton, Eton. Eton Beaver. No, that's harsh. G'day. Eton Beaver. Aiton Beaver Aiton Beaver Hi girls Love your poor No you can stop now You can stop that accent now I thought it was quite good Ozzy Lufanian From Darwin Northern Territory In regards to granny names I'm a very young 50 year old grandma And I've Asked to be called Gigi Well we were talking About this weren't we What would our granny names be Yeah When our kids have kids You'd just be Call me my s*** Yeah I tell people it stands for glamorous grandma.

2:31Anna Williamson:No fucking way, I'm a nana or a grandma. P.S. Anna, if you become a nana, that'll make you, yeah, that'll make you Nana Anna, which you'd be said in one whole word forevermore, lol. Nana Anna. Nana Anna. Cheers. Paula, or if Imogen is up for it, give me an Aussie sounding porn name. Paula's hot. Paula, you are hot. Do you notice that all Australians are pretty good looking like that? They're all fit. Like straight out of a Sweaty Betty commercial. Yeah, I like that. Babes, you do not look 50. You don't even look 20. Yeah, actually, she's a grandma. Like, dude, she looks insane. She looks longer than her.

3:07Is it a gilf? Glamour. Granny I'd like to fuck. Gilf or glamour? No, she's a gilf. Granny I'd like to fuck. Yeah, or glamour. Glamorous grandma. No, but there's a difference between being a glamorous grandma and a granny I'd like to fuck.

3:22Anna Williamson:Yeah, but I know, but you can use both for a grandma. She looks hot though, whatever. Right, next up, voice note rant from Anonymous. So Amanda Hug and Kiss. Amanda Hug and Kiss. Amanda Hug and Kiss. Amanda Hug and Kiss. Is it like Amanda Hug and Kiss? A man to hug and kiss. Yes, it is, yeah. Okay. Right, okay, here we go. Hi Luanna, I am a long time listener calling in from America and I have a rant for you today because I'm sitting at my daughter's nursery school and it's at a church where people are supposed to be good and lovely people. And I just have to say, during pickup and drop-off, it lights an actual fire under my ass when I see these fucking assholes park in the handicapped spots so they can be that much closer to their child when they go to pick them up.

4:18It's not for fucking you. it's for fucking handicapped people. That's my rant for you today. Love you girls and all that jazz. Bye for America. Love that we've reached America. Love that in America.

4:33Anna Williamson:Get the high vis out, babs. We've got a shit gift from Lou. You're going to have to read it. Hi, Lou Animo. I've been a listener since 2020. Lou's got a dicky throat. I've been a listener since 2022 with you three lovely ladies accompanying me on many walks with my two babies. One is now three and the other three months. Now, having listened to many shit gift stories, I'm fondly reminded of my late Nan's flair for odd presents. Now, Barbara, who passed several years ago, had nine grandchildren at the time of her passing, 24 great-grandchildren. Jesus, that's a lot. You couldn't even get a gift at Christmas.

5:10Anna Williamson:I've told my mum to cap the prezzy list now. There's too many children. Just no. My siblings and I will recall that as children, every birthday, we the grandchildren would receive a cash gift of£7. I had a relative that did this. Nothing more, nothing less. Why£7? No one knew. And I always thought, why go to the hassle of getting change for the£7? Just make it a fiver or a tenner. However, that wasn't the only strange gift Nan handed out. Christmas became a comical guessing game of what random items she would bestow, in particular on my parents. Some of my favourites included nude tights, brolly that she would give for free herself, Sellotape with a free dispenser, as advertised on the packaging, and a potato peeler.

5:53Anna Williamson:Not even a fancy one. Those cheap plastic ones, and to make matters worse, it was rusty. Not even new. Not even new. Barbara loved us all, but there was no denying she was an odd soul. No need to keep me anonymous. Lou from the Midlands. Well, this tees us up beautifully for the shit gifts, which will be coming in a couple of weeks. Guys, we need you to bank those shit gift stories. In fact, you know what? Let's get ready for the live as live voice nights. We want some, even videos. We'll take some videos. Yeah. Like, let's get them on. Yeah. We want the shit. Can we put those on socials, Specs?

6:28Anna Williamson:We could put them on YouTube and socials. And people are going to be getting shit, shit, shit, like Secret Santa presents before Christmas. You know that. From the work. We need to know. Or we need to do Secret Santa when we do our traitors thing. Yes, we do. So this is a tee up, guys. And just to let you in on this, We are doing our little Christmas episodes a little bit earlier than actual Christmas so we all get to have a little bit of a break. So yeah, get them in now. We're quite lazy really because we all want December off. I would say time efficient. We all want summer off. Yeah, but I'd say time efficient.

6:56Anna Williamson:Aren't we? We give everyone a weekly pod. We do. By weekly. We always deliver. So shit gifts, voice notes, videos, get them in now. Have you done your Christmas list yet? Do you know, I did send Andrew something. I can't remember what it was. It's classic. probably a new horse no I did I sent him a link and I was like this would be a nice Christmas gift oh yeah I sent Alex a nice bracelet that I oh did you do you like stuff like that not normally no but I just quite like this bracelet I don't really like mix I don't really I don't really need gifts and I don't mean to sound like oh I'm so virtuous I don't need gifts no I feel very blessed with my lot guys no but actually I just don't like took I don't like receiving took I love gift giving it's one of my I actually like to give it's one of my love I do like to give it.

7:42Anna Williamson:I just don't want to, I always say to my family the same thing. Give us a nice smelly candle, give us a massage voucher and I am cool. I'm trying to see what I sent to Andrew. I think we're all quite curious to know what you sent to Andrew too. Oh, I can't remember now. I would like Colchester Zoo. Please buy me a zoo. Good one-ins. I would like a zoo, please. Right, while she's doing that, voice note rant from Verena.

8:12hi ladies I just wanted to send a quick voice note off the back of your most recent episode about Louise's rant on table manners I actually left a date once because he was using his fork like a shovel and I could not hack it my friends always take the mick out of me for this and say my standards are too high no they're not I'm happy to say I have been with my husband for 11 years and his table manners are beautiful but I just wanted to validate you and join in on the rant and the hate for the table manor icks. My name is Verena. No need to keep me anonymous.

8:48Anna Williamson:Manners cost nothing. Exactly. I mean everything. I can't find it, guys. I feel like I might have... Text him now. What did I ask for Christmas? Oh, here you go. I found it. Go on. Culture's a zoo. Oh, do you know what I sent him? I sent lovely Christmas present. And you can personalise it for me with a monochrome. And do you know what it is? Go on. It's a... You're all going to die. Now what have you asked for? What is it? A dread to think. Is it something horsey? Is it a car? It's. Is it another girl's buggy? A massive house? No, it's even funnier. It's a robe. Oh my gosh!

9:28It's a bloody dressing gown!

9:30Anna Williamson:Fuck off! Fuck off! Lisa has been outed as a closet dressing gown fan. she's not only banned her husband from wearing dressing gowns she has now as an insult to injury sent her husband the get me this dressing gown she doesn't look like dressing gown give me this house coat it's got a horse print and you can monogram it it could be fair those are nice and the jammies I'd like a new dressing gown so I sent that to him and said yeah because I don't mind like I'm going to get you all dressing gowns for Christmas all house coats so funny I can't believe that is the most hypocritical thing and it's so funny because I genuinely remembered that I'd sent him something but didn't remember what it was it's not that expensive if I remembered it was a robe I wouldn't have just brought that up that's very funny can I just say I love the fact she gutted herself out that's why we love you Lou because when you're a hypocrite you own it I wouldn't have brought that up if I had remembered what it was I just remember thinking I'm just going to show you that to the camera that is Louisa Zisman's Christmas present a robe a dressing gown a monogrammed horse print it's like a silk robe it's nice dressing gown I feel like it would look sexy whilst I float around the house I wonder if he's bought it for me maybe I'll just buy it for myself no because he might have bought it right kids say the funniest things from Lee hi Luanimo love love love the pod and all that jazz listening to the extra pod this week with the children saying dodgy things I was reminded of the time I was very pregnant can I just say I still haven't got over the fact that you've you have asked for a dressing gown for Christmas after all the shtick after all the shit.

11:07Yeah, but the thing is, your dressing gown's gross. I was waiting for the shade. No, it is thick and gross. Secretly, she wants to be me. Secretly, I trench it. At least mine is like silk and monogram. Yours is like an Asda fucking chunky. Do you know what annoys me? It's actually a champion, if you must know. Okay, well, it's thick. It's too thick. It looks awkward.

11:26Anna Williamson:Well, we live in England when it's very cold. So I would like to say Louisa clearly actually coppers me. so uh i'll take it love the pod anyway let's get your pod this week yeah children saying the dodgiest things i was reminded of the time i was very pregnant with my second child my daughter was due on boxing day join the club it's the worst time to have a baby so with no sign of her appearing the next day we decided to visit friends as you do when you're about to drop for some ridiculous reason i can only attribute this to pregnancy hormones i let my husband have a few drinks and i offered to drive us home that's a big mistake of course if I went into labour, I was clearly not going to be able to drive myself to hospital, but that didn't cross our minds.

12:08Anna Williamson:So at the end of the evening, we took our two and a half year old out to the car to head home. It was snowing and as I had to concentrate on not falling over the freshly landed flakes on the pavement, my husband went to put my daughter in her car seat. She was having none of it and apparently only her mummy could put her in the car. Her car seat wasn't on the side I could access it from the pavement. I had to go in the road. Because I was the size of a small house at this point the car door was open quite wide oh my god this is what happened this is what happened yeah it did happen to me yeah when suddenly i was hit from behind as a car had hit the open door and driven off that is literally what happened to me and el i was getting her out of the car seat with the door open and they i nearly died basically so there i was with a smashed car a cut leg my water's broken and screaming toddler and a pissed husband just That's the perfect scenario.

12:58Anna Williamson:And also the fucking **** drove off. What the fuck? So bad. I waddled back. Excuse my language, by the way. I waddled back to the friend's house with broken waters and dribbling down my legs, where they were all still drinking. So a lift to the hospital from anyone was not happening. The only option was an ambulance. So one was called. By this time, I was getting contractions. So I felt it was important to get checked. The lovely paramedics arrived and asked what happened. And out of nowhere, my toddler, having been fairly silent until this point, calmly piped up. Oh, no. Daddy hit mummy. No idea where this came from.

13:30Anna Williamson:Oh, no. No idea where this came from. And we were then faced with a number of awkward questions before they took me to the maternity unit to be checked out. Why do they do that? What? Children. I know. My kids have done similar. And it's like, oh, God. I was kept in overnight and all was fine. My daughter managed to hang on in there for another nine days. What, when your waters have broken? Nine days? Oh, no, listen. On that day, my waters broke. It turned out they hadn't broken. I'd actually piss myself. Oh, you poor thing. She got run over, pissed herself and thought you'd gone into false labour.

14:04Anna Williamson:Oh, it's Lee from Sussex. Great story. Right, we've got a petty polly from Anon. And here we go. In most continuing theme, taking the piss out of my children's names, this person is called Indigo on my chest. Indigo. Indigo. Indigo on my chest. Indigo. It's like have a poo on your chest. Okay. How long did you sit there trying to work out how you could bastardise Lou's kid's name? A listener texted me and said you could use Indigo on my chest. Well, now the listeners are contributing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love it. They love it. There'll be a law case one day from your children towards us, liable.

14:55where's Indigo Indigo Indigo oh come on Indy hey ladies I just wanted to send a quick petty poly in my best friend Katie's got me into the pod so just wanted to give her a little shout out my petty poly petty poly is to our vile neighbour who lives down the road since we've been moved in she's been nothing but vindictive and nasty to me so you can imagine my delight when I come home from work and I've got a tropic order there which is in her name I quickly whizzed it inside and opened it up to see what there was um and I found this amazing oil I can't remember what it was called now but it was some kind of oil that wasn't sealed so I quickly put it into my own um jar yeah so that I could use it and I pissed all in the empty one sealed it back up and then returned it to the Tropic Lady for her to deliver to the correct house.

15:53Me and my best friends all live on the lane, have great pleasure in calling her piss face every time we walk past. And anyway, love you guys.

16:02Anna Williamson:And look how sweet and innocent she sounds. She's like, love me. That's that. Hidden amongst us always, guys. Never piss anyone off in life. Ever. Right. Shall I try it? How long is that? No. Shall I do it? It's not that bad. Cowder. Message from a non, so Camilla. Oh, Emma's like, it's a lot more, I'm not going to laugh. Love the pod and all that gist. Call me Camilla or we'll become clear. I think we got the gist. Or the gist. This goes back a few years, but I feel like it deserves a place on the pod. A few years ago, one of my friends told me that whenever him and his boyfriend cheers, whether that be with friends, family or just themselves, they don't use the word cheers.

16:49Instead, they've changed it to something that I think is brilliant. They say jizz. Yes, jizz. And ever since that day, I've been confidently toasting loud and proud a jizz to everyone. So jizz to you all. And hopefully this makes the pod before Christmas so everyone can celebrate and jizz to family, friends and loved ones. Bloody love you, ladies. And thanks for brightening all my days. Love, Carmilla. Love that. Love that. Simple and effective. Jizz to you.

17:12Anna Williamson:Yes, jizz. Jizz, babes.

17:17Evening by his remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. From the people who brought you It's the Dog Park comes... Is that a new bump on your dog's neck? Or is that bump just a part of his neck?

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18:16Anna Williamson:I've never told anyone this, but... Hi, Luanna Moe. Love your pod. You girls make my working day fly over. Good. Thank you. I've never told anyone this, but my husband and I have always been really open with each other about farting and poo and when we've pebble-dashed the toilet and shouted. A lovely marriage. For example, we went to Ikea once and as we got back in the car, my husband lifted his bum cheek up to fart and, you guessed it, shouted. I asked if he wanted to run back into the loo, but he said, nah, we'll be home in 20 minutes. We hit traffic on the motorway and 40 minutes later arrived home while my husband's arse was on fire.

18:52Anna Williamson:So you never leave that shart in for long, guys. As it has started to burn his bum, which I found hysterical. However, this is something I will never tell him. We have a hot tub and a few weeks ago we got in on a Saturday morning. I pushed out a little bump. Yep, you guessed it, I sharted. A lot of shart in. Yeah, what do they eat? Before I could get out of the hot tub, my husband asked if I had fake tan on. Now I reply, then to my horror, realised why he was asking. There was a light brown tight arc around the water level of the tub. We were sitting in a hot pool of shitty water. Too mortified to fess up, I said I was getting too hot and I got out.

19:31Anna Williamson:My husband spent the rest of the morning cleaning the tub filters and had the sides off flushing out the pipes, believing there was a build-up of sludge. I fed dad. Oh, shit. Please keep me anonymous and call me Esther after me Nana from Lancashire. Love it. Love that. Oh, dear. Do you want to read this one, Imz? Go on. Praising you in the opening. Hi, Luanna and our glorious overlord, Imo. Did you write that, Imo? No, I actually did. She's like, no, bitch. Someone loves me that much. I've got a crown emoji next to her. Please, for the love of God, keep me anonymous. My stories are not fit for polite society or Sunday lunch.

20:05When I was about 12, I watched Bruce Almighty and had my first ever sexual awakening. There's that scene where Bruce pulls the moon closer to him The candles light up thanks to his powers And Jennifer Aniston's moaning in the bathroom And falling all over the place And I swear to God I felt my first ever fanny flutter Next thing I know I'm fashioning cold compresses out of tissue To put on my clit Innovative if nothing else By the next rewatch I'd levelled up to an electric toothbrush Let's just say Bruce wasn't the only one discovering his powers that day Go on girl A cold compress on her clit What was that meant to be?

20:40Maybe. It was there. Maybe.

20:42Anna Williamson:Takes all sorts though, doesn't it? Wow. Trial and error. Well, thank you for that. Thank you, Imogen. That is it, guys. Thank you for listening today. Don't forget, of course, we're back with your usual dose of Luana on Monday. Please do follow us. Hit follow. It's really important. Please, please, please, guys, don't forget and don't just think everyone else does it. I can't be arsed. Please be arsed and do it. And subscribe as well on YouTube and also, of course, or send in all your guff to Luana at everythingluana.com. Or you can WhatsApp, good quality please, 07745266947. We'll be back next week.

21:15Anna Williamson:Bye for now. Bye.

21:22This is a Global Player original podcast. Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, man. Bye. Hey man, you hungry? Let's order delivery. Yeah, I was thinking... Italian. Burgers? Oh. Game night just got tense. Two bros on different sides of the fence. Burgers or pasta tonight. Why can't we have food without the fire?

22:17Anna Williamson:With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery, so no one has to settle. Use code MEALTIME for 50 % off your first Wonder order. Terms apply. See wonder.com slash new customer.