TOTALLY EXTRA: ABBA Voyage, Stepkids & Anna's Impression

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you are here and you know you love it. You certainly do.

0:17Anna Williamson:Hi guys, welcome along to Thursday's Luana Totally Extra. It's very hot in here. It's warm. And it smells like vagina. It's a hot box of vag. It is. That's because the three vagges are here. Lou, Anna and Imo. And our fourth vag, social media manager Bex. The two flaps, the clit and the hole. Who's the clit? Can I be the clit? That's the most fun one. I'd say we're the two flaps. We're the two flaps. You're the clit. You're the hole. I'm the clit holding it together. Sorry, Bex. The hole's good. Every hole's a goal. It's true. You are goals. You are goals, Bex. Goals. You are goals. One day we'll give Bex a mic.

0:59So this is Thursday. This is all about you. This is about extra rants, extra chat, extra confessions, extra stories, extra YLU.

1:08Anna Williamson:Now, we love this episode because we just love hearing from you. So first up, message from Charlotte. Halo Animo, after hearing the voice note last week about the bonnie blue voiceover sounding like Imo, this is so true. I thought I'd share with you my error in thinking I'd followed the real Imo on TikTok. She came up on my FYP and was doing some amazing cooking and recipes. I instantly followed. It was months later when I was scrolling TikTok through the day with the sound up louder instead of silently on a night feed that I realised it was actually a guy called Bob who looks very much like Imo and does wholesome home cooking.

1:48Anna Williamson:Stop it. So she's saying you look like a bloke called Bob. Yeah. Correct. I blame baby brain anyway. I love the pod. Keep being good. Love you guys. All the way from Brisbane, Australia. P.S. His, Imo's, sorry Bob's, TikTok profile. He's great. Oh my gosh. It's even called From Scratch with Bob. It doesn't. I love his profile, by the way. I don't know him. Did you follow him already? I don't follow him, but like his videos come up. I know of him. I mean, he's got very pretty hair. Oh, to be fair, very pretty hair. Just like yours, Imo. He does look a bit like him. I mean, but I would say that's...

2:24Anna Williamson:But he is like the man version. He's like quite feminine. He looks more feminine than you look masculine. Like that picture there on the right. Yeah, I mean... He looks like a girl. Yeah. He's very, very handsome. Oh, yes, he does look like you, Imo. I'd say that's an easy mistake to make. I could see when you're doing a night feed and you're fucking exhausted, how you could, you know... How Bob is Imo. Yeah. Big excuse for that. I want to do a collab with Bob. I think you should. You should. Come on, Bob. Come on, Bob. Right, we've got a voice note rant from Anon, so we've called you Ben Overbitch.

2:59Ben Overbitch. Ben Overbitch. Hi, Luanamo. Just a quick rant off the back of your holiday cunts rant that you had, Lu. Which one? Please call me, oh, you look at the poor names, Ben Overbitch. Oh, great name. Anywho. Strong. Why the fuck do people on planes clap when they have landed? I do it to take the piss. Why does that happen? Because when I do my job, I don't get clapped. We get clapped. Why are we clapping? Like, stop it, people. It's the most irritating thing in the world. Like, just stop. Okay, thanks.

3:45Anna Williamson:I mean, I'm with Lou. I do it just to take the piss now. I do it as well. because I just take the piss. Well done. Yeah, love it. We do like a clap when we're doing our job. We like a clap. So, you know, maybe you need to get a new job where you get clapped. Yeah, exactly. Right, kids say the funniest things from Leanne. She says, so I've just got back from taking my children to Disneyland. For them, magical. For me, a slay nation. Character assassination. First stop, the toilets. My youngest takes one look at my legs and in the voice of someone announcing breaking news goes, oh, mummy, your poor legs.

4:21Did those bumps hurt? Oh, no. While pointing directly at my cellulite. Honestly, forget Mickey Mouse. I was the main attraction in the restroom. Then, just when I recovered, my middle child decided to take the stage in a swimming pool loudly. Mummy, why does your tummy hang over your bikini like that? I swear I could feel goofy judging me from the sidelines. What I wanted to say was, because I birthed you little bastards. but instead I just smiled through gritted teeth, cried inwardly and drowned my sorrows in hotel wine that definitely wasn't included in the meal plan. So the moral of the story, at Disney, dreams come true, just not for mums.

4:59I'm crying into my wine on the ferry. Lovely aunt from Kent.

5:02Anna Williamson:Kids, mate. It's kids. They're brutal. They're brutal. Just ignore them. And half of the stuff that they comment on our bodies is their fault. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. For sure. Like Indy the other day, mummy, you've got a sad looking belly button. Sad. Oh, sad. sad oh wow sad I know it's fucking sad I'm sad I considered getting it pierced to try and make it look a bit better sad looking belly button and less sad but it's weird my belly sometimes it's a ninny sometimes it's like a half inny look half outy oh I see I wouldn't say it's sad it's sad it's a bit sad my kids are obsessed at the moment I mean I do walk around naked quite a lot with my boobs and I was bending over the kids were in the bath and I was you know when you've got the bubble bath and I was squishing it round and as I was leaning over naked did they start Yeah, they were like using my boobs.

5:48Anna Williamson:Do your ears hang low. They were like, why are your boobs so floppy? And I was like... Because of you. Cheers. Yeah, and I was like, they're not actually that bad. Yeah, considering. But yeah. They did use them as pendulums. And then we went into a conversation around, like, don't touch my tits, basically. We've got a voice note rant from Anon. So we've called you Betty. Betty Boo. No, I've got a rant. I do not understand. Why? All the time I see children with helmets on riding their bikes, and yet their stupid effing parents think that their skulls are so thick that if they come off their bike, they miraculously will be okay because their skulls are too thick to wear a fucking helmet.

6:37put the helmet on be safe now there is a method behind this obviously it's proven helmets do help you but I know someone on a serious note that rode to work every single day and the one day he didn't he decided to wear a woolly hat because it was cold and he's now brain damaged the rest of his life

7:00Anna Williamson:to wear a fucking helmet you lunatics oh that's bad yeah fair fair I do think that when you see kids with helmets and then the parents not and you're like, you're meant to be setting the example. I know. But the thing is, we did all survive childhood without wearing helmets. My mum always forced me to wear a helmet. You were a bit younger than us though. It wasn't really a thing, was it, with us? No. We never wore a helmet as a kid. We never wore a helmet. I'm thinking now, on the summer holidays, I had my little bronze, I had my little purple bike. And I'd always roller skate everywhere, no helmet.

7:33Anna Williamson:But now my kids do, yeah. I remember once my mum drove me to school and this boy that I knew from primary school was cycling down the road and he had his helmet but the helmet was hanging on the handlebars and I remember my mum like wound down the window that was like my side and shouted at him pack your helmet out and I was mortified obviously but she was like why is it on your handlebars? Yeah it's true Indy though can be very tricky about wearing a helmet and I'm like fine then fall and bang your head I don't care but I would care if she was brain damaged well exactly right we're gagging for it Such a good feature.

8:07Anna Williamson:It went so well last week. We've done it two weeks in a row. So our wee gagging it for it question is misheard song lyrics. So let's see what you've been sending into our Instagram. First up, Teresa. Teresa. It says, big yellow taxi. They paved paradise and put up a parking sign. Instead of parking lot. They paved paradise, put up a parking. Is that about Hawaii, that song? I don't know. What place was mine? Paradise City by Bon Jovi Take me down to the very nice city What is it then? Take me down to the paradise city Where the grass is green and the girls are thin This is a brilliant one

8:51Anna Williamson:Those bastards

8:58Who are you going to call? Oh that's it I kept looking at you like Help me out here Ready, Anne? Who are you going to call those bastards? Instead of ghostbusters. Much better. I prefer that. Took us a while. Took us a while to get there. I'm sorry about that. Oh, we're rusty. I don't know. Just look at each other.

9:17Anna Williamson:Abby says, my husband heard, I tried to say goodbye and I choked. I tried to walk away in Istanbul. I tried to say goodbye and I choked. I tried to walk away in Istanbul. I kissed a girl and I liked it There you go, emo Pre-loved reseller, good one Says when I was four, I thought Madonna's like a virgin was like a birdie Like a birdie Oh, brilliant. Mariah Carey's fantasy This person thought she was saying sweet, sweet venison baby Jess says a friend thought loosen up my buttons baby was loosen up my buttons stay how does that go? loosen up my buttons stay for some reason I always heard smooth operator as spoon barbarella absolute nonsense spoon barbarella why did this make us laugh so much please keep saying we love them absolutely love them yeah please send them in luana and everything luana.com or on our socials as well when we send out the questions right message next in is from anonymous so Edith hey Louisa, Anna and Emma I have never written in before but felt after listening to today's pod 18th of the 8th 25 and your conversation about having kids or not I felt that my story might relate to some people as I find myself feeling very alone at times with no one to turn to or to fully understand.

10:54Anna Williamson:Oh, bless you. You've come to the right place. As our Anna would say, it's a long one, so settle in, peeps. Fuck that, bitches. Please keep me non and call me Edith. Now, I myself have never wanted children. Nice. That's a feel for name. I myself have never wanted children. I never remember playing with dolls as a child or ever really wanted a family, despite loving my own family so much. And now my nephews, as if they are my own. I've been with my partner now for 10 plus years and he has a child from a previous relationship. We very early on had the chat that we were both okay with him not having any more and me not wanting any.

11:28Anna Williamson:Sensible. Now, I must add, my partner takes on the main parental role with his son living with us the majority of the time. He's an absolutely amazing dad and would do anything for his son. He's the one who attends all the parents' evenings, takes him to the sports clubs, pays for them and supports him throughout every part of his life. However, due to me being in their life so long, it has somehow become the norm that I have taken on a lot of the parenting roles too. I take him to school most of the week I make sure his uniform is washed and ready and I make sure the food he likes is in the house that he has clean clothes and a tidy home to live in drop him to and from activities and so on I don't mind doing these things I want to do this to help out my partner but sometimes I just want to scream I don't want to do all this because if I'm being totally honest I don't I don't want to have to look after someone else's child and I don't even want my own to look after I sometimes feel so alone in this I feel terrible for thinking these things but it's true I want to be selfish and I don't want to have to think about anyone else I very quickly learned quickly learned that being with someone who has a child that I would never be first that I would always come second and selfishly sometimes that really hurts too anyway I'm too deep into this relationship now and of course I love my partner so so much I could never be without him but I rarely come across someone in the same situation I thought maybe sharing this with you guys and the listeners listeners that it might help someone who feels the same I promise I'm not a terrible person person I just don't really like kids thanks for always putting a smile on my face i love you guys i actually have a friend in this situation um that has actively chosen not to have children yeah but has stepchildren um and i think they can really relate and often just speaking to her like on a level like she really loves the children but there are some times it's like this is really hard like but but the fact is it you know it isn't the kids fault you know that's if that's their home that's their home but by default also if you are running home you know yourself with your partner naturally you're going to be buying the food and doing the washing and this and i have friends of mine that are in this situation they're like i didn't really ask for this i didn't choose this well i wouldn't have chosen to be with that person then yeah yeah quite frankly i i wouldn't have chosen because it's part it's their package it's like when i met andrew i had dixie and if andrew didn't want to be with someone that had kids then i wouldn't have been the right person for him and I think that if you make the choice to stay with that person that's got kids pass and parcel you don't just get that person you get them and part of them are their children like part of me now are my three children so if I met someone and they didn't want kids I would be like well I'm not the person for you then actually you should have said oh I'm not the person because it's it's very hard and I kind of get where you're coming from but equally you did make the choice to stay with that person knowing that they had a child so you can't have to suck it up a bit buttercup yeah and i but i think it's good that you've you've used as an outlet to just say sometimes it sucks i get that it can so i mean i i don't like doing those things for my own children sometimes i don't i don't actually think it's the fact that they're not even your kids i think we all get this thing of i don't want to be doing you know sometimes i think god i don't want to make dinner for everybody because i can't be asked and that's my own spawn.

14:38Do you know what I mean? I don't think it's because he's not even yours. I think that's just part of life of being an adult. And you just think, I just want to be selfish sometimes. I don't want to think about how they're getting there or getting to that activity. Yeah, I don't think it's because you're a step mum. I just think it's being an adult.

14:58Anna Williamson:If it helps to flick mindset, my particular friend that sometimes goes through this, they do also then look at the positives on some of the things they've really gained from it like it was a choice they don't want their own they love the fact that they're not with them all the time as well so there is that sort of independent time but also they've definitely they definitely will admit that they got a lot more from it in some ways that they really didn't expect you know they genuinely love the children and and have actually gained a lot but equally do have moments of yeah okay no and it's when the chips are down isn't it it's when the house is messy or you just want some space Yeah, and you just think, God, if this kid wasn't there, I wouldn't have this mess to clean up.

15:34Anna Williamson:Exactly, exactly. But hello, I feel like that too, and they're my own kids. Exactly, yeah. When you're tired, and I really keep a very tidy house, and I can't, and I just think, oh, I've just got to tidy that up. I've just got to do the, and you think, fucking hell, if I didn't have them, then I wouldn't have to do all that. But I just think that's normal. Alex and I often, Elle's going through a bedtime rebellion at the moment, and Alex and I have, honestly, we've been like, so annoying sometimes putting them to bed. and then when they do go to bed you know properly we're like oh this is bliss like you know and we do that this is parent time I'm sorry we are not my parents I'm like it's grown up time now I don't want to see you until the morning you know it's hard don't feel bad and I don't think you should feel bad that you feel like that because you're a step parent because trust me biological parents feel the same it's just been a parent babe well done for sharing it we've got a voice note rant next on Claire Hi Luanna, Claire from Solihull here I had to do a little live rant and it's not anything important it just really, really fucks me off so some people that I know are going to watch the ABBA thing in London and they keep referring to it as ABBA Voyage it's not ABBA Voyage it's ABBA Voyage why does everybody say ABBA Voyage when you go on a cruise ship you don't go on a voyage on the cruise ship, do you?

16:53Anna Williamson:God, I don't know what's irritating me so much, but I'm sure it irritates other people. It's not ABBA Voyage. It's ABBA Voyage. You're going on a voyage. It's a journey, not a voyage. Thanks. Bye. What is a voyage then? Although I'm going to... Because my friend... What's a voyage? It's the same thing. But it's to say, say in American. It's just a turn of phrase. Voyage. Wow. You can really hear that rain, don't you? You can hear the rain. So my friend is the producer on it, and I now want to ask him if it is voyage or voyage. I think it means the same thing it's just the way you pronounce it like bath and bath and tomato tomato, potato, potato I think English is more just voyage you wouldn't be like oh how was your voyage on the cruise but you wouldn't say how was your voyage I'll be honest I say Abba Voyage I'm wondering if that's a branding thing I think maybe it's a branding thing how do they brand whilst we move on with some confessions I've never told anyone this but Hello, says the first one I have a poo related confession Of course you do We seem to be the mecca now for it Perfect poo related confession that I've never told anyone Especially my boyfriend And there's no people I'd rather share it with than you We're a safe space Thanks, for that reason I'll stay on I've just returned from a romantic holiday with my partner And unfortunately got the shit I think I must have had a dodgy ice cube on the first day It's always the ice It's always the ice that catches your eye Or the lettuce that's not been washed proper.

18:23Anna Williamson:It was bad. Sprinting to the toilet, clenching my bum every 20 minutes, some very risky hot farts, and unfortunately shitting myself multiple times whilst at the beach in my bikini. Once in the sea, I think the cold water hitting my belly unfortunately got things moving. At least you were in the sea. Sadly, that's not the worst part. After a full day and evening of sprinting to the loo, I was starting to feel a bit more settled and managed to get to sleep. A good seven hours and no movement, so I thought I was in the clear. I would too. I would too, yeah, home dry. As you can imagine, having the shits isn't the best basis for a sexy hotel room mood.

18:56Anna Williamson:Tell me about it, kid. So when I was finally feeling a bit better, there was a lot of built-up sexual tension. The following morning, I woke up to my boyfriend poking me in the back with his morning wood. I swiftly whipped off my pyjama shorts and we began going at it. I was sucking him off from the side whilst on all fours and he began to finger me. Before we knew it, I was on top riding him. Yeah, we're all there, aren't we, girls? We're all in it. Once we'd finished, I did the quick come run to the toilet to clean up and shower and then make the bed. During the tidy up, I picked up my pyjamas and that's when I saw it.

19:28Anna Williamson:The biggest skidding you've ever seen. Still soft and wet from the night before. Like a smear, girls of Nutella. That's when I realised that during those six hours of sleep where I hadn't gone to the toilet, there must have been some hot farts in the night that ended up in me following through. That's right. I had morning sex with my boyfriend after unknowingly shitting myself. I finally couldn't smell it. Oh, she would have had all shitty bum hull. Shitty bum, shitty bum crack. I dread to think, squelchy. I hope we didn't put a little fingery up there. I dread to think, extra lube. I dread to think what I would have looked like from behind.

20:06Anna Williamson:My boyfriend didn't say anything, so I'm guessing I got away with it. Thank God we didn't do it doggy. Love you guys. Thank God. Yeah. Thank God for everyone. But she was riding him on top. She could have left a skiddy on him. Upper thigh skiddy. Yeah. The little print. That's it. That's it. Shitty little shit print. That's it. Little shit print on the tummy. God, right. Next confession. Halo Animo. Love the pod and all that jazz. Please keep me an old lady name. I've had this drafted for ages and I finally think it's time to send it in. When I was 22, I went travelling around Asia and while in Vietnam, stumbled across a Mr Bean themed bar.

20:41Peer for it. Me too. The bar itself is nothing fancy, just your typical Vietnam bar, but it's got Mr Bean pictures splattered all over the wall. We left shortly after but I couldn't get one particular picture out of my head. Mr Bean's head photoshopped onto a buff bod. See him as attached. Anyway, that night I fell asleep and started having a very sexy dream. I was getting on with this fit bloke and he was slowly making his way down my stomach, licking and kissing as he went. I closed my eyes, curled up my fists in the sheet and then opened my eyes and looked down and the sexy man wasn't there anymore.

21:15It was Mr. Bean. Uh-oh. He carried on going... This is a dream, by the way, guys. He carried on going down further, and to my shock, my dream me was not turned off by Mr. Bean. In fact, quite the opposite. However, this must have been Dream Bean's first time as he proceeded to rub my clit with his nose and insert it into me. That's right. I had a sex dream that Mr. Bean used his nose. Whoa. Whoa.

21:50you really need to visually watch just what's happened on our YouTube because if you're listening what Anna just did you are not going to get the full effect of so please head to YouTube for that oh oh Leanna's extreme the Mr Bean he used his nose in my vagina and that it felt great he was flicking the bean a whole new meaning luckily I woke up after this But I've had this embarrassing wet dream stuck in my head for nine years. And it's so free to let this out. And there's the picture. Bean. Are you a secret Mr Bean fan, Anna?

22:27Anna Williamson:I already loves Mr Bean. She loves Mr Bean. I see it in my house. Oh, oh. Teddy. That's really weirding me out. That's really weird. Meow. I didn't know it was still a thing, Mr. Bean. It was the urges. Actually, him or the cartoon? Right, on that note, we're just going to finish the podcast now. We've all got the ick really badly. I've given myself the ick. I am just licking Anna in a whole different light. We will be back on Monday with your usual day of Johnny. You can send your emails in to Luana. Hideeverythinglouana.com. I've got a WhatsApp number, but I don't know what the fuck it is. I don't know.

23:11No, no, no, 745-106-947. Bye. Come on. I'm quite good at that. Bye, baby.