TOTALLY EXTRA: Ants in the Flaps, Crash Confessions & 5 Mins Peace

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, pants and general explicit content. But guys, you know Luana, you know you love it.

0:14Anna Williamson:Good morning, you little beauties. Welcome to Luana Totally Extra with Lu, with Anna, Imogen Rose Hart. Austin Hart. Well, yeah, there she is. But you're in a vigil in your own right. She's looking at her wedding ring. ring. Interesting, you went for a gold wedding band and a platinum or silver or white gold engagement ring. Yeah, and the Naomi's is the other way round. Oh, I love that. That's quite interesting. It's a bit like a Russian, you know, people get their Russian rings and they have all three. That's nice. I'd like some new rings. Would you? No, I wouldn't actually. You're in a real Ivor state at the moment, aren't you?

0:50Oh my god, I've got to tell you something, I'll tell you on Monday's episode, you're going to die laughing. Okay, something you've got? Something I've got. Brilliant.

0:56Anna Williamson:Hold that thought, we'll hear it monday this one though is all about you it's extra rants extra chance extra professions it's your episode guys let's muff out in with a message from anonymous so tara missy here image it is on fire tara missy hello luanamo love the pod and all that jazz please keep me anon after listening to the latest episode the woman having to result in shagging in the yeah shagging in the forest after her boyfriend's mum banned her from the house. This brought back memories of shagging my first boyfriend in anywhere but a bed or a house, for that matter. After finding a place that was quiet, we frequently used a field on the edge of a forest, as you do as a normal horny 16-year-old.

1:37Anna Williamson:Oh, God, don't. Dixie's 16 next year and I just can't cope. Well, let me just tell you. The slutty teenage years. It was slutty college years, baby. Here we go. One time when we were at it, I felt a slight sting on my down below and then another. Oh, too shy. and inexperienced to say anything, we carried on for the whole of, well, the 30 seconds before it was time for me to get home for my strict curfew. But walking home, I kept getting this sharp stinging. I started to panic. That knobhead has given me an STD or STI, I thought. Once home, I did the awkward teen greeting to my parents. Hi. Trying not to smell of sex as you dash to the shower.

2:14Anna Williamson:That's it, smoothing down the hair and all of that, making a dash to the loo to see what this stinging was. After sitting on the toilet and looking down, My vag was swollen, and I mean swollen. It looked like what I can only describe as 10 rounds of lip filler, but the wrong lips. What the fuck? Panic really kicking in. I managed to pee, and upon wiping, I noticed a little red dot. Blood? Oh, my God, guys. She's got a red ant in her pants. Ants in their pants? No, a tiny red ant. We had shagged on a red ant's nest. It took days for my vag swelling to go down. I never told anyone this, nor never mentioned it then to my boyfriend as I was too embarrassed.

2:55Anna Williamson:I don't want to this day if he ever got a bit as well. As if his pool bags ballooned up, they must have done. Imo, please make me a wonderful drag name. You did. I bloody love you ladies, never change. She shanked on an ant's nest. That's painful, those nippy little ants. And I wonder if she knew at 16 to take some antihistamines or she just suffered. You're right, pop a little Puritan in. Right, message from Sam, Lou.

3:27It says,

3:48the pod Sam in Southampton. I love that. It's true.

3:51Anna Williamson:Just do something nice for someone just because. It's good to be a villager. Yeah, listen. And help people. Bloody love being a villager. I'm a villager. You are. We all are. I've created a fucking village. We're all village idiots. I'm like the village tribe leader. Yeah. Yeah. The village tribal. Right. Voice name from Cara. That landed. Yeah. Didn't go anywhere. Hello, Luanamo. I've got a potential new segment for the pod it might only be limited but here we go it's not an easy way but it's something that I would like to share with you and I would love to hear your responses what is the most extreme thing you let your kids do so you can have five minutes off parenting because at the moment I'm nursing a cold, I sound very nasally I've just done the school run in horrendous weather you sound awful bless you I've got a 4 year old and a 22 month old so almost 2 and I'm watching her at the moment pick out all of the wax from my molten brown candle that was gifted to me by my husband a few weeks ago she sounds so nasty I know I really love it she needs a day off it's the black pepper and leather I want to say leather but I don't know if it is I know the one you mean anyway it's really nice it's one of those that you don't really like because you love it so much.

5:15Anna Williamson:And if you do light it, you only need it on for, yeah, a few minutes. And at the moment, she's picking all the wax out, sprinkling it on the carpet and then rubbing it into the carpet with her feet. That's going to be how to clean. I know I should stop it, but I'm able to do a voice note uninterrupted. And that is more valuable to me than a candle. So I'd like to know from you, Luanna, what is the most extreme thing you've let your kids get away with so you can have a five minute rest thank you kind regards from Cara in I have the answer for this bye bye do you know the worst thing that I did during Covid when I didn't have a nanny and I had and I had a how old were they two and three or something no they were Yeah, because Indy didn't start school until the September.

6:14Yeah, it must have been. They were two and three, mine. And I just wanted a bit of a break. In our old house, we had a steam room. And I thought it would be really fun. I thought, oh, they could paint the steam room with paint and then I'll just rinse it off. So I let them loose on that steam room. What the fucking biggest mistake ever. To get the paint out the grout. Out the grout.

6:39Anna Williamson:Oh, I think I saw you. It was. it was a disaster but it gave me like an hour's piece and I was just letting them paint it away and they were like loving life and I fucking then spent about five hours scrubbing the kraut with a fucking toothbrush to get it out regretting my life choices, it was the worst thing as a mother I've ever done and then after that Nanny Luena, who by the way if you don't follow her big shout out to her, she's at Nanny Luena on Instagram, also has a great app, not on ad but she um then posted about how you can get like you know glass sort of glass paint oh yeah you can just get that and do that on your windows and stuff or even better tip from nanny doanna it's just a paintbrush and some water on bricks outside they love that i've got an even i went with proper paint or i've even got an even bigger tip from anna yeah don't give them paints I think my my biggest is quite I do it often if I'm completely honest with you if I'm juggling which I always am I've got a zoom meeting or I've got a this and typically it's when I'm doing active press like celebs go dating or something and then I need to like squeeze in a 15 minute interview with closer mag or someone and I'm like fuck kids are in the next room they're gonna come in like I just can't have them break it oh is that when you put the gags on them and the blind shows you're talking about and you make them play no she makes them play murder in the dark and she gags them and blindfolds them, just turns the light off.

8:06Anna Williamson:They fucking love that, your kids. Off you go, kids. What I actually do, that is when I bust out the, like, I don't even care how many sweets you eat until you're sick. Because they will sit quietly, because otherwise they fight as well. So I'm like, right, there are your sweets. I know that. Go. Yeah, it is. It's like I've got probably 10, 15 minutes of them being so overexcited by the sweets and a screen. I'm like, right now I'll do anything. But then you have to deal with the sugar rush. Then I've got to deal with it. It's a fine line. it's a fine line of how desperate am I it's like the wax she's now going to have to clean that up exactly it's not worth it I only do that if it's a live if I'm doing like a live radio and I'm like I've got the fear like you know back in the lockdown days everyone gate crashing I actually think my murder in the dark game is pretty good in that instance give it a try right message from Jade next hi Luanna Moenbecks oh Becks yeah oh Becks there she is there we go moving up in the air there she is I was listening to the pod about the lash tech that accidentally gobbled a chewing gum onto her sleeping client.

9:08Anna Williamson:Whilst I was listening, I thought, did I send something in after a few glasses of wine? Because I too am a lash tech and I'm constantly writing to you with all sorts of guff. Well, anyway, turns out it wasn't me, but it made me think of a time that something similar happened to me. I was lashing away one day with a terrible cold. Oh, no, it's going to be a gag. It's going to be snot on your forehead or something. I would be on death's door and still turn up to work. Good for you. Yes. Because you know, grafter and all that. Also probably self-employed. Exactly. There's no sick days. There's no sick days.

9:41Anna Williamson:Anyway, my nose was dripping like a tap. You know, the ones where it just falls out of your face. That's what happens sometimes when I'm riding and I just have to let it drip because I need two hands on the reins. So whilst I'm working away, craned over my client's face, my nose decided to drip drop a big watery gobble of snot right onto my client's forehead. Absolutely mortified, I quickly exclaimed, oh God, that bloody leak in the ceiling is still there. Wipe it out. Making a song and dance about the fabled leak. Stop. I spent the next five minutes overcompensating and lying out of my arse, hoping she wouldn't suspect.

10:27Anna Williamson:It was, in fact, my tap of a nose that had dribbled onto her head. I don't know if she bought my story, but my ten years of drama school background and bold confidence had me thinking I was some sort of Oscar winner with my performance. Bloody roof. Can't believe we've not got that fixed yet. You know what I mean? Can't get the stuff. hoping she doesn't listen to this pod and put two and two together. But if she does, I'd love to know if she's either horrified or impressed. Oh, God. Lots of love. Jade the Lash Tech from Tamworth. She's got in strong. She's owned it. Yes, she is. Brilliant. Very good.

11:05We've got a voice note rant next from Zoe.

11:09Anna Williamson:Okay, girls. First live rant I've ever done. And thank you, as always, for all the laughs that you give us that make me laugh every time I listen. so inappropriate but so true anyway rant about women's sport basically I know that Emma will absolutely love this being a Lionesses fan watching the women's rugby last weekend down our local pub watched the whole game no the pub was quiet which is fine there were a couple of us watching the women absolutely storm it and win the World Cup which was great watched the whole game the pub got busier towards the end of the game Anyway, got to the end of the game.

11:52Anna Williamson:The girls had smashed it, won the Rugby World Cup. Amazing. Yeah, girls are killing it at the minute. As they're about to win the trophy, the bastards in the pub turn the rugby off to put the men's Premier League football on. Wow, to say I was fuming is a fucking understatement. How dare they? Anyway, with my brother, who knows that maybe I might get a bit heated, goes up to the bar and asks them to turn it back. Ten minutes later, they still haven't. So me and my daughter ended up having to watch the trophy lift on my telephone. Absolutely fucking fuming. Went to the bar and I was like, please can you turn over?

12:32Anna Williamson:She's like, well, the lads up here want to watch the football. I was like, you've got six fucking televisions in this pub. Turn it over so we can watch the women lift the trophy. I was like, you wouldn't do this if it was the men's fucking football or rugby, would you? absolutely fuming not okay left the pub went home and watched the girls lift the trophy amazing so proud of the Red Roses incredible but come on sort it out sorry didn't say I don't need to keep me anonymous I'm a super proud person of women's sport my name's Zoe and let's absolutely champion women in sport in all sport that they do because let's face it we're doing so much better than the men are We really are.

13:18Can I say also, I love the names, like the lionesses, red roses. It's just great. Women are nailing it.

13:26Anna Williamson:Do you know what? It's just nice. I keep thinking about Niamh Charles and whether she'll be my friend for real life. She messaged me the other day. No, she messaged me too, so to you. Whatever. On WhatsApp? No. Well. Do you want my update on Leah Williamson? Go on. No. There isn't one. None. Right, message from Anonymous. But it's coming. I just know it's coming, girls. It's coming. Mona McClitzmash. Is that you? You are killing this. Mona McClitzmash. She's wasted. She also... Pay rise for Imo. I want Imo to film herself when she's making up these names and doing the script because she just dies laughing every time we read it.

14:12I can just see her sitting there like Dr. Evil. So happy with us. So good.

14:19Anna Williamson:Hi, Luanimo. Long time listener here. And I have a dilemma that I would really appreciate each of your input in with as I'm beyond stuck. You've come to the right place, baby girl. Me and my partner have found out that we're pregnant, which has been extremely exciting as due to endometriosis. We didn't think this would happen for quite some time. This should be a very exciting time for us. However, I have been really mindful of my close friend. We farted him. Oh, she's waffling. Did you hear it? Yes, I did. No, I could just see the arm waft. Did you hear it, Bex? I couldn't hear it because my headphones were on.

14:49Was it good?

14:51Anna Williamson:No, it was shit. We've had enough. Well, our surprise is only one, to be fair. We've not farted for a long time. No, we haven't, actually. We've changed. We've changed. We stepped into our feminine. Yeah. Remember? Obviously. We said we were going to do that. We were never going to do this. It didn't last at all. No. Anyway, she said, really happy. This is great. She didn't think she'd get preggy. So this should be a really exciting time for us. However, I have been really mindful of my close friend who's going through IVF and struggling. Now, I have supported her throughout. I've been the friend that remembers each appointment and checks in.

15:18Anna Williamson:And I was also aware that this news may come with a painful side for her. I've told my friend about the pregnancy as I didn't want to hide anything from her. And this was quite tricky. I told her initially she was excited. Then she walked away from me and we didn't talk about it for the rest of the night. And we haven't spoke about it since. However, in the past two weeks, I have had some complications with pain, etc. and I've had to have some emergency scans which has been incredibly stressful. During this time I remembered my friend was having an IVF scan and so I messaged in support and she messaged back a few days later saying it was a mixed feelings scan and how was I?

15:51Anna Williamson:I was unsure whether to tell her that I was having some complications however we are incredibly close friends so I didn't want to hide anything. I told her I was in a lot of pain and they were questioning whether this pregnancy is ectopic and I had a scan at the end of the week. My friend read the message and did not reply. I have been incredibly supportive of her through everything life has dealt her and I feel like an awful person for saying this as I know this must be incredibly difficult for her but I can't help but feel incredibly sad that she can't support me in a time where she knows things are looking scary maybe I am being selfish but as a friend I have put her feelings first a lot and I can't help but feel sad that she isn't supporting me please be honest with me girls I know this message comes from a friend that loves her friend very much but just wishes this was more of a two-way thing any help would be appreciated do you know what there's a similar situation not with me but with someone I know at the minute and they're she's got a best friend and they've both been going through different things right and one of them feels like well like friend friend B feels like friend A hasn't been there for her as much and because friend B's been going through things as well and I I just think it comes down to again it goes back to almost the village and being a villager some people are more villager than others right and some people can take on more than others and I think sometimes when people are going through things it's so all-encompassing for them that it is all they can think about and it's they're just one track whereas other people can take on more load and can think about themselves but also think think think about others and i just think that it really does come down to different personalities um and and different circumstances and often the way you think you might be you react differently yeah when when you're faced with a very difficult situation it's upsetting if you're like my friend b right because my my friend b and i know both b and a and um my friend b's like well i don't and saying, I've been there and I've been checking in and yet I've been going through this and she can't do it with me.

17:57And I was like, but all she can focus on at the minute is her and her situation because that's her personality and that's the way she is. And, you know, it just, it really does come down to that. And I think that... And are they good friends? Yeah, they are really good friends. And I think that when you're a villager and when you give so much of yourself, it's really harsh reality check sometimes to realise that other people aren't quite like that. But I do genuinely believe that there's no maliciousness or anything in it. It's just how different people cope with different things. And sometimes I can be a bit like that.

18:35When I've got loads on, I just feel like I cannot be overloaded with other people's shit as well. Because there's so much going on for me. It's really hard to then take on. A cup's empty. Yeah, you kind of take on more. Because your cup is empty.

18:52Anna Williamson:You can't do it. Whereas other people, like you'd be quite good about taking on more. But I am trained to do that. But I have a very different brain where my brain for 16 years has been trained to cope and dump. My load is huge, but also I have a support system where I also dump from a professional. But I think that's so well put. And also, actually, this scenario, I was in this scenario quite similarly. And actually, what I will just say is I feel for both of you. And to Lou's point, there really is no answer to this other than, so I'm sure she won't mind me saying it but when I fell pregnant um with with Enzo one of my best friends had been going through fertility treatment and it was an incredibly stressful time and I can't imagine what that must feel like you know to go through it and I know that when I fell pregnant it was very difficult for her to to to to be happy about but she was happy and then then you're filled with all those horrible feelings of I am happy but I'm not I'm you know because it's so complex because you're also going through what you're going through and actually I just made uh a decision and then I had a really bad birth with Enzo and then no good comes from trying to win or be the most one in pain.

19:56Anna Williamson:And I know you're not saying this, but in my experience, we're several years on and we're great friends and we never really discussed it anymore. We didn't need to. I think there was just this underlying knowledge that both of us were dealing with such personal emotional shit that actually we lent on other friends for that support just during that period of time because the weight of it was too big and the overwhelm was too massive. and time does heal. And I think that's great advice. Like if you have got another friend to lean on, do because I believe that your friend isn't coping as well and can't take on your load as well.

20:31And I don't think it's a reflection of her and her friend. And I think that - She doesn't not care. Yeah, it's just,

20:36Anna Williamson:some people just get - It's just a lot. Yeah, it's just a lot. And I think, I feel for both of you, I think lean out, try not to look too much into it. Yeah, just don't. You're allowed to feel it, but it will pass. It will pass. I think a lot of the time in certain situations, I think people get hurt because they aren't treated how they would treat other people. Yeah, but you can't. And you just have to accept that other people a lot of the time won't do things how you would. Yeah, but that's what is the beauty of life though, because we're all different. You know, like I do things and people probably think, oh God, I wouldn't say that or that's really, you know.

21:16you know I've said things before that have upset Imo and Imo said to me that's actually upset me and I've been like oh my god Imo I didn't even think in that time about anyone else but myself and I think that it's good to be pulled up on it right sometimes but equally you're not always thinking about other things when you're doing or saying or being the intention is the intention

21:41Anna Williamson:because we're all we're all essentially invested in our own shit and we we are not all fully emotionally capable and switched on to be managing everybody else's feelings and emotions at all times and i think we say silly things we do silly stuff we do stuff for self-protection and when you're like and obviously you've been really happy and content just go back to your situation like so you've been able to be really there for your friend and now that things have you know and i hope it's not an ectopic pregnancy but now things have potentially raised in yours you're now needing that support and can't be there as much for your friends so it just peaks and troughs and I think definitely find other friends to lean on during this time because your friends probably at capacity as as you probably are it's too much to call it out right now it's so hard navigating female friendships isn't it it's why I think that actually it's a great book idea for you because it's one of the hardest things is actually one of my one of my ideas because friendships are well they are actually even more important than romantic relationships they really are because you really do like lean on your friends and you need them at different times.

22:46Anna Williamson:Don't cut your mate, you're both going through a lot of shit. Yeah. You will get through this.

22:53Right, another name from Emo. This is a voiceover from Anon, so carry on, love. Love it. Go on. I like that one. Hi, ladies. I knew I was stupid when my sister-in-law said that they were building one and a half thousand houses locally to Woz and I replied with how do you build half a house? And it took me a minute to realise why everyone was laughing at me. It was ten years ago and it still gets brought up frequently and everyone still laughs about it. I love that. How do you build half a house? I love it. Right, we've got a petty poly from a non-neck. Ginger fighters. Ginger Vitus I hope that people listening laugh along with that like we do She puts a lot into it guys So Ginger Vitus says Hey guys, I have a Petty Polly that I just My favourite thing is Imo laughing at herself So cute You're so happy to be you right now I have a Petty Polly that I just remembered While hearing the lady who farted in a pot Before sending My neighbours at a previous house were arseholes, loud, crass, selfish, horrible.

24:13One lucky day, we had a parcel delivered for them to us. What did I see next to my placement of the parcel? The cat litter tray, ready for a change full of piss and brand new shit. So naturally, excuse me, I rolled the parcel in the shitty tray. Later, the man knocked for his pissy parcel and I handed it to him with a smile. About a week later, I thought, oh my God, I haven't seen or heard the neighbours. Have I killed them? I worried for a couple of days until I did some Facebook FBI and turns out they were just in Australia. Few, but also...