TOTALLY EXTRA: Auntie Cl*t, Favourite Birds & Straddling the Kitchen Sink

0:01Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bunts, and general explicit content.

0:42But you know you love it, you dirty little bastards. You know you love it. I don't know where I'm going with this song. Right. I don't know what you're doing, but it's Thursday. This is Luana Totally Extra, and we are bringing you extra chats, Extra rants, extra confessions, extra stories, extra Y-O-U. Can I say guff is my favourite word now? What about moist guff? Moist guff is exceptional, actually. Oh, that's like a wet fart. Hot, hot, wet fart. Do you know what I did? It was brilliant timing yesterday, actually. I farted, right? My kids have got this, especially Enzo, have got this weird obsession with running behind me to smell my bum crack.

1:22Brilliant. You've trained them so well. Yeah, I don't know why they do it. But Enzo ran behind me, because they do it just to annoy me. He's like, get off, go get out of me. So you farted in the face. And I farted and he came running behind me, inhaled, sniffed, just as I farted. He was like, oh, mummy. I was like, there you go. That's what you get, kid. Well, right, before we muff hunt into this episode, please follow us on your favourite podcast platform. And also, don't forget, we're on YouTube. So go ahead over there and subscribe now. Also, don't forget, if you haven't got your ticket to our Luanna B.

1:54Galentine's night, in. You can join us. We are coming to you live. We rarely do anything live. Anything could happen. We could get cancelled at any minute. So go to everythingloanna.com and get your ticket now. Make sure you join us on Friday the 13th in the evening. Right. Funny names from Anon. So we've called you Tashcombe. Tashcombe. Tashcombe. It's like a moustache combe. Oh, right. I just didn't find it that funny, did we? Tashcombe. Growing up, I knew my great aunt as Auntie Clit. She's dead now. I never questioned it, as I didn't know what a clit was then. Found out when I was older that she was known as Auntie Clit, as her name was Joy Button.

2:36Stop it. Stop it. That is brilliant. And the whole family called her Auntie Clit. Never seemed weird until I got older. What a family. What a great name. Great. Joy Button. Auntie Clit. Auntie Clit it is. That is so good. That is superior, actually. That is like... Excellent. I want to be part of that family. Yes, what a good sense of humour that family has. Love it. Right, voice note rant from Ella next. Hello. I need to rant about people who sit and wait at traffic lights with their foot on the brake pedal because when I am sat behind you waiting at a traffic light and your foot is on the brake pedal, I am being blinded by your brake light.

3:18I do not understand why people are not using their handbrakes. especially nowadays most modern cars have an automatic handbrake so if you put your foot on the brake and you take your foot off the brake your handbrake will stay on and i will not be blinded by your brake light in fact if this gets played on the pod and lufanians are listening please consider using your handbrake next time you are waiting in traffic or at traffic lights think of the person behind you please don't blind them with your brake light by keeping your foot on the brake when it is dark because it's just blinding and it's annoying and it's dark a lot at the moment and I'm getting blinded by a lot of brake lights.

4:00I don't need to be because people have handbrakes. Please, please just use your handbrakes. Thank you. Goodbye. Well, I actually don't know anyone. I do on the lorry. If I drive in the lorry, I put the handbrake on. No, I'm a neutral foot-on breaker. As in, I don't put the handbrake on. I don't put the handbrake on. I just put my foot on the brake. It's really long. Yeah, like if you're in back, but if you're at a traffic light, I only put the handbrake on when I'm in the lorry. Becca's nodding, shaking her head. I feel like if your driving instructor do tell you to put the handbrake on. They do, they do, don't they?

4:36Maybe she's the driving instructor. Yeah, but it's different if you're driving a manual, you just crank it up. Whereas if you're in an automatic and you've got a pushy one. Aren't most people automatic now? What are you meant to do, like push it? Mine's a turny-wurner. Mine's a pushy. Yeah. Mine's a pushy. No, I'm not sure about that rant, babe. Sorry. But thanks for sending it in. Petty Polly next from Anonymous. So fashion. No. So fashion. Reading. So fashion. So for cushion. Obviously. So for cushion. It's like one of your bloody quizzes. It's like a cryptic crossword. It's just like reading.

5:08It's that cryptic crossword bullshit you're on about the other week that nobody knows anything about. Actually, I've had an insane amount of response to it. Have you? Have you? More than anything I've ever else said on the podcast. Stop it. You have then. I have. Right, save it for Monday. Yep. Emma, Monday, she's going to talk about it. But I'm really happy for you. I don't believe that. I reckon she's making it up. No, I do happen. I think Cryptocroft is pretty in, like, people love it. Nah, weirdos. People like Wordle. A bunch of weirdos, freaks. We don't need them in our life. Emma, you can defend yourself on Monday.

5:41Hi, Petty Polly says sofa cushion. Thank you. My husband is the laziest man in the world. he's an amazing dad what you're lazy hello how are you I'm so Christian and my husband is a lazy fuck yeah he's an amazing dad and works hard in work but doesn't do anything domestic except for the bins and he's the least handy person ever decorating etc is either down to me or we get someone in recently we were getting a room replastered and the plasterer asked us to strip the old wallpaper off before he started he was coming on the Tuesday and my husband didn't lift a finger all weekend I have not long had a baby so definitely down to him this time Damn right.

6:20Upon further inspection, the plasterer realised that we needed to go right back to the brick instead. So he told me not to bother stripping the walls. He'll just smash all the plaster off, wallpaper attached. I forgot to tell my husband this piece. I forgot to tell my husband this piece of information. And he was up until 2am stripping the walls. Not so lazy after all. Luckily the plasterer only came during the day whilst my husband was at work, so everyone was none the wiser except for me as a secret punishment for being a lazy bastard. That's so mean. Excellent. We've got a voice note from Manon, so Sissy Phyllis.

7:00Sissy Phyllis. Sissy Phyllis. Hi girls, big fan. Thank you for what you do. I've got a little story for you. I'm not sure if it'll make you laugh, but it did me. Keep me anonymous. yep i work in care visiting people at home yesterday i visited a lovely elderly couple who are always really friendly and they sit in armchairs side by side oh really cute as i went to say goodbye to them both i couldn't help but double look the lady just casually had one tit out. I couldn't believe it. I thought, what is she doing? There she was, sat there smiling at me, saying goodbye and did not seem to notice at all that she was flashing me.

7:51Anyway, made me laugh. Love you girls. Well, why not? Let it all hang out. Do your boobs hang low. Do your swing them to and fro. When you're that old, I can't wait to be old. Actually, I really don't want to be old. I just can't wait for my face left. Exactly, that's going to be hilarious, honestly. As we grow old together... My facelift? Well, I'll probably end up being the same if I'm not going to be. You're going to get a facelift, don't even know. Oh, no, that's what I mean. No, I think I'm moving over to the dark side. I'm not growing old gracefully. Fuck that. Who wants to look like they're 102 and they're only 65?

8:26Well, I went to go and see, back before Christmas, I went to go and see my new mate, Dr. Nora. Oh, yeah. And, you know, let's just say, I think I'm... Had a tweak, won't you? Well, let's just say, Dr. Nora suddenly takes a look at the old fizzog and you go, a little bit of this, a little bit of that. And I'm like, you know what? Looking fresh, yeah? How are those gels doing? Well, I've left them over to Dr. Nora. We're on a plan now. A gel plan? On a gel plan. I'm getting gels, look. No, you haven't got gels. I have, look. What's all this? No, it's when you've got people. Obviously, Dr. Lee is another good one.

9:01No, there's not gels. That's just skin. Well, it's facelift material then. I saw Dr Mo from Clinic L in Dubai. What have you been doing in your face? Look, I had skin boosters. Well, that's what I had. I had Dr Nora Game, a load of skin boosters. It actually really... And do you know what else he did? He put skin boosters in my lips. It was really painful. I was crying. So Nora put them in... It was really painful. Yeah, she put skin boosters... And I have to admit... It burns. But it was very good. She put a lot of numbing cream on me. Yeah, I had numbing, but it really burned. She's deft of hand.

9:34This is not an ad response. on. We did a lot of work together. We did some work for La Roche-Posay and she is an incredible woman. I came to her with my issues and she went, you come see me, babes. Well, I'm going to continue seeing her. Well, I saw Dr. Mo and I said to him, I've got this den in my chin. It's gone now. Yeah, I can't see it. He said, I said I think I need filler. He said, no, you don't need filler. I just do skin booster while it's gone. Because it's not good to have filler in your face if you're planning on getting a facelift. Well, there you go. You shouldn't have Then don't do it.

10:06So I've got to not have filler in my face. We're not doing a Reco Secco at all. This is an extra episode. Hyaluronic acid. This is our extra Reco Secco. We've had skin boosters. I'm sold. No, it is really good skin boosters. I've had them for quite a while, yeah. It's really good. And then I said to him, what about me eyes? Because I feel like I need a little blethy. Oh, yeah. And he said, no, not yet. Not yet. So I figure I'll just do the blethy and the facelift all at the same time. When we're doing... When I'm 43. Oh, remind me on Monday, 40th. Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in.

10:46Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice. I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyers rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. Let's crack on. Kids say the funniest things from Anon, so we've called you Queef Latifa. Excellent. That's a good one. Hi, lovely ladies. Love the pod. You're helping me to get through a really tough time in my life right now.

11:22I'm still working my way through the back catalogue of Eps every day. So every day I listen and I know that I'm going to laugh, even if I don't feel like it. I just want to share with you a funny story about my little one that I think you'll appreciate. We were walking to preschool, so he would have been like three, nearly four at the time. And as a cyclist came past us, clear as a bell and loud for all to hear, he shouts, look, mummy, there's a twat. I concur. Needless to say, that was lesson learned. And from there on, when he's in the car with me, I've been a bit more choosy with my insults towards cyclists.

11:57It's hard as it is. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. please keep me in on and give me your filthiest porn star name. I like it. I like and relate with a parrot child. Next voice note from Anonymous. So Robin Thrush. Robin Thrush. So I'm trying to do a very clear, distinct voice, but I have a question for you, Anna. Yes. Imo.

12:28Can I just say, When I listened to this voice note the first time I was in the office and I was sweating myself. It was so funny. Has she really taken the memo to being clear voice note? Yes, she has. Well done. Bex, what are your five favourite birds? Okay. I think mine. So you've got to have a top five. So I've gone flamingo. Mine. Penguin. Oh, yeah. Owl. Swans. And ducks. But then you get into a whole realm of things. What about geese? I don't like geese. Robins? I like a robin. Crows? Oh, no. Pigeons? Emus? Oh, emus might take over owls. I don't know. What do you think? Five favourite birds?

13:20New segment. Bye. Love you. Can we just take a moment, all of us, to probably say that's voice note of the year so far. I love it. Oh, my God. What do you? Well, I would say. Let's move on to five favourite zoo animals. No, I'm actually with her a lot. I would say flamingo number one, ducks, just a standard like little ducks like Boris number two. Then I would go for a penguin as well. I do like a penguin. And then a blue tit. Hang on. Say that again. I do like a penguin. Okay. I thought you said penguin really weirdly then. Oh. Penguin. Yeah, no, you're fine. How do you think I said it? You sounded like you said penguin.

14:04Penguin. Penguin. I like a penguin. This goes back to Peter Andre. Pick up a penguin. Penguin. Penguin. Penguin. Penguin. Penguin. And then a flamingo, a duck, a penguin. Blue tit. Blue tit. and then my last one probably a swan what would yours be? I'd like a peacock in there oh I forgot about a peacock scared of peacocks they're big fanny things haven't they? you should like it then mate a peacock not at the top this is in no particular order peacock penguin

14:50Flamingo. Flamingo. This is top content. I do like an emu. I like an emu. I'll take an emu. And a pigeon. I feel bad for pigeons. Oh, yeah. I forgot about the pigeons. Everyone forgets about the pigeons. It's quite invested, isn't it? A pigeon. I mean, I'm not going to do a pigeon. I'll whiz through mine. Go on. As you may well, this whole section. A woodpecker. Oh. Oh, very nice. Oh. Hang on. I'm going to go Robin as number one. No, the Kukaburras are nice. I'm going to go Robin as number one because I am convinced Dead Nana is a Robin. A lot of people think Robin's a dead people. Let me tell you, Dead Nana is with me.

15:30Everybody believes that bullshit. I know this white feather crap. Fuck off. No, it's working for me. So Dead Nana is the Robin. So I'd go Robin like a swan. Looks quite nice. Break your arm. Yeah. What's that? You are whistling through these, aren't you? whistling whistling Lou never seen I'm only gonna and then I'm gonna go three three four five three of Lou's ducks there you go Bex do you want to contribute go on Bex all of the above but I'd like to throw in an owl yeah to be fair maybe a kestrel is quite nice no kestrel an Andean condor really they're fucking massive a red kite kite there are lots of kites around this is really boring this is really boring from Jackie yeah we're back onto the ground Jackie says okay so I'm misheard words not a song but here we go my friend's sister is called uh aleda alida alida that's a funny name isn't it and as a child my friend used to say to her parents i want to be in the lord's prayer confused her parents asked why and had no idea where this had come from my friend said alida is parents asked my friend to explain and as she slowly said the lord's prayer that our father, the penny dropped, and lead us not, a leader's not, into temptation.

16:50So our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, a leader's not, into temptation. Got it. No need to keep an eye on, my name is Jackie. I'm from Balls Bridge. Yes. In Dublin. Good old Balls Bridge. Love you girls and all that Irish jazz. A diddly diddly dee. Balls Bridge. That is basically a gooch, isn't it? A bridge for the Bulls. Andrew, I think I've been to Bullsbridge. It's like a common place. Well, I love this name. Shall I just text Andrew and say, have you ever got your balls out in Bullsbridge? Please do. Just to see what he says. Also, I meant to ask you the other week, did you ever ask Andrew about, what was the slang for a vag?

17:26The Irish slang. A gi. A gi. Say to Andrew, have you ever licked a gi? Have you ever got your balls out? I'll say, have you ever been to Bullsbridge? And then he'll respond. have you ever been to Ballsbridge he's online ask him that it's in Dublin I want to see what kind of response we get for this let's just wait for this live texting of the A-Dog he does take a while I text him the other week yes that's where my apartment is oh he's got an apartment in Ballsbridge I've been to it have you got your balls out have you heard about getting your balls out Can I just say this is in Ballsbridge I'm assuming if he has a flat there then yes he has got his balls out This could go either way though this message Have you heard it's a thing It's a thing Then follow it up with can't wait to see you and give you a blos Is that why you got an She's actually typing this to him Apartment there Bit weird I'm waiting for the if you're talking about me on the podcast.

18:40He's not responding. No, that's a very nice quiet area.

18:48Can I just say you are all now getting a snapshot into the gorgeous Andrew. Never heard of it.

18:57I texted him last week asking for that link for the bloody dressing gown that he never bought you. And he was flapping. She never sent me the link. I did. It's in our treasure. Well, I said that to him. He's never heard of it. I said, it's a thing getting your balls out in Ballsbridge. You'll have to try it. Now what? Next one. That's it. He's going to twig in a minute that he's on the podcast because he knows I'm in England. Definitely not.

19:23Definitely not. Who does that? I said, you'll have to try it. He put, be arrested. I'll put, yeah, true, don't do it. Can I just say that's a snapshot of being married to this. This is the patient man that Andrew is. Also, can we also just note, girls? Love you, bye. Can we just note how quickly her husband responds to her messaging? No, he was on loan. How's excellent. Do you think Al would reply to you? If I wrote him that. Go on, okay. Not really. You text me, you text Alex, and you text yours. Yeah, let's see who's... What are we saying? Oh, just, all right, we need to say something random, like...

20:02Ballsbridge. No, just be like, do you want to go to the Higgity with me? Do you want to go? I've got tickets to the Higgity. We have to go. It's tonight. I'm going to, hang on. I've got tickets to the Higgity. Do you want to go? No, shut up. What? Higgity? Yeah. No, not tonight. She knows I'm away. Okay, don't like, I've got tickets to the Higgity. Do you want to go? Do you want to go? Hang on. Do you want to go? Okay, I've set mine. We're meant to be timing it, you dickhead. Oh, she's sent. She's sent too. Hang on. OK, right. We've all sent. OK. Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun.

20:44An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may I apply. Right, I'm going to crack on with I've never told anyone this, but while you lot man your bat phones and not check if your bath has arrived, Anna Williams. Oh, I've got a tie for this. Bex is in first. Bex is in first. Bex is in first. Hi, my darling Luanna Mox. Love the pod and all that jizz. I've been listening back and was at the episode.

21:30I've got a response. Go on. You said, what is a higgity?

21:36Put the higgity ho, don't you know? Right, and now let's respond in rhyme. This is really good. I'm just waiting. And wait, how long? The only problem I've got is that Al, two minutes ago, has sent me a voice note, and I've just tried to look at transcribe, and I think it's quite a serious one about Al's stuff. So I think he's, the response to that is now asked about the higgity. So I think he's asking me for an answer on something for when I can listen to my phone. All I can hear is council officials in a transcribe and to do with permissions and things. Yeah, probably to do with the bath being delivered.

22:08Do you need to listen to it? No, it's fine. Right, I've been listening back and was at the episode where the lady who was breeding sausage dogs kept the dead puppy in her freezer for an oddly long time. And since there's been a lot of dead hamster, dog in suitcase, stuffed horse talk, I figured I could tell you the tale of Mimi, the dead Yorkie and her slightly illegal burial. My mother sadly passed from cancer at 51 years old over a decade ago. And it goes without saying that I bought home and cared for her beloved and forever shaky three pound Yorkie Terrier. She was 10 at the time and I always had a feeling that this tiny stubborn dog thought I'd stolen her from her dear master.

22:47She loved everyone, but she was a little shit to me. Nonetheless, I brought her along with me and my psychotic sausage dog everywhere. They would even come to the pub where I worked and became some kind of mascots. A couple of days shy of her 15th birthday, I had to bring her into the vet. She'd become blind and, in my opinion, a bit senile. Her time had come. After she left us, the vet explains what options I had and cremating that minuscule dog came to over 700 Canadian dollars, which is around 400 pounds, for a three-pound dog. I wasn't short on money, but I was outraged by the estimate. And that's when I got an idea.

23:23I told them I was going to bring her home that day. They put her in a sealed container and I put her in my deep freezer. The next day I went to the hardware store to buy a metal box and a ton of flowers and told my best friend we were going on a road trip. I put the dog in a big cooler with lots of ice. We then drove six hours to my mum's grave and equipped with lots of wine and gardening shovels, went to bring the resentful little shit to her final resting place next to my mum. I want to caveat this by saying that my mother was cremated and I was present for the burial so there was no possibility of disturbing anyone's final rest but hers.

23:59We then planted about$200 worth of lavender and other flowers so the cemetery staff wouldn't get suspicious of us digging around. I don't know if this is insane or thoughtful, probably both, but I figured you'd have to laugh at two tipsy 20-year-olds digging up a graveyard to bring her mum a lifelong companion for eternity. Love the pod. Don't keep me a non. This is Frido from Montreal. I actually like that. That's really sweet. They got pissed and dug up the grave and shoved the dog in a bit of lavender on top and no one will ever know. Oh, I think that's actually quite nice. Anyone had a response?

24:31No. No. Bex? Oh. Microphone. I assume this is a joke going over my head, but I hope it was funny on your end. Love you. That's the husband you want. That's the fiance. I've got nothing from Alex and I'm interested to know where he's going to go with this. I'm just going to put Lou thinks she's funny. No, but Lou thinks she's funny. By the way, you won. That's true. I'm quite here for this, like, texting our partners, some sort of gamey type thing. All right, second one. Here's a confession for you girls. We all know how it feels to use the shower head for some me time. Oink, oink. Upon discovering this as a very young teenager, I also discovered that the kitchen sink had the most extreme water pressure.