TOTALLY EXTRA: Backdoor Poetry, PlayStation Icks & A Midwife's Worst Words

0:02This is a global production. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But you know you love it. We're British and we're proud. Honestly, I don't think I could date anyone that played a PlayStation or Xbox. What? Who knew you could rhyme? So many words with whole.

0:23Anna Williamson:What's the most chaotic thing you've done while trying to be mysterious? No, that's gross.

0:35Anna Williamson:Hello and welcome. We're having a gangbang. We're having a ball. We're having a gangbang against the wall. We're happy to join us for some fun. Because we're going to gangbang everyone. Right, there we go. Hi guys, welcome to Thursday. I just love that song. It's Luella. Isn't that just one of the best songs ever? It's just a great song. Read to Sue and Bob too. I remember Tom, Tom Ree Wilson and I started singing that on set one day, I said to go dating and Paul and Tara were looking at us. They were like, what is that you've made up? And it was like, we haven't made that up. That actually went into our charts in the UK.

1:15Anna Williamson:And that is why we're a great nation. That is why. We're British. We're British and we're proud. Right. Don't forget guys to follow us please on YouTube. Subscribe, should we say. Follow, rate and all of that. This is your episode. What have you got this week for us? so Ivana Rimya that's a good one says did you do that one no she's not laughing no I did actually I did do that one and she's a returner oh she was our original field agent if you know what I mean we love a returner so Ivana Rimya says please keep me a non again and side note I would love to be your friend oh you are hello it's me again the field explorer that's the app the sexy app who is on a journey of self-discovery through kinky, hilarious sex.

2:02I do have a few more stories I thought you might like to hear. Go on. Remember, everyone gets a nickname. Firstly, the backdoor bard. Another older man. He sent me poetry. He had written himself. Sounds romantic, doesn't it? Nope. It was almost exclusively about my arsehole. And they were sagas. Who knew you could rhyme so many words with whole butt? Back door. It got so outrageous that I stopped reading it. However, I decided to pick it back up again at the most inappropriate place, my brother's wedding, where I stood on a chair drunk as a fart. I read it out with great theatrics and, of course, to great applause.

2:44I'm free for wedding entertainment, in case you're wondering. We also have the brother. One of my best friends and colleague's brother, who is almost as kinky as me. We had a lot of adventures together. One of the first times we slept together I squirted for the first time And cried hysterically As I thought my post baby bladder Had betrayed me and I had peed on him He was very good about it Another time in doggy style on the sofa He grabbed my boobs and shot breast milk All over my wall The next day my ex-husband sat down Right in front of it when collecting the kids This has to be one of my more Gleeful moments I can confirm the milk stain is still there To this day my sex rotation is relatively quiet at present and I'm in first interview stage with a few men so I'll keep you all updated on how they developed stay tuned there it is she's a field woman who gives everyone a nickname she does

3:42Anna Williamson:we like living vicariously through our listeners she's bringing it in next up message from anonymous Abby Sting Abby Sting

3:55Anna Williamson:Hi Luanna F-ing love you guys Now just listen To a totally extra episode From last year And I heard a segment Called gagging for it Are you still doing This segment always though No Will we just bring it back Just bring it back Bring it back I think it's absolutely hilarious And I'm sure everyone Would welcome it back Here we go Look you tell us What you want guys And we'll do it An example of the first one For the comeback Could be What's the most chaotic thing You've done While trying to be mysterious Mine would be Getting someone's foreskin Stuck in his zipper literally wanted to die. Love you girls.

4:27Anna Williamson:Please do the pod until the end of time. Thank you always for the shits and gigs. So what's the question? What is... One thing that you... Like, what did she say? Something that could come back could be... Something you've been mysterious. The most chaotic thing you've done while trying to be mysterious. When you're trying to act all like mysterious and sexy and then you make a tit out of yourself. No, I am just mysterious and sexy. I think, to be honest, it's me trying to be sexy and then realising I am Ricky Gervais.

5:01Anna Williamson:That's probably it. I like it, though. Yeah, let's bring that back. Send them on in. We'll ask you, Lou Fannions. We've got a voice note rant now from Pat, my pussy.

5:13Hi, guys. Love the pod and all that jazz. I've literally got a live rant for you. I've just got home from dropping off my three-year-old at preschool. He has got an ear infection. He's well within himself. but we've been given some antibiotics. I'm in the car, just coming from the pharmacy to give him the antibiotics before I boot him out into preschool and I read the two words sugar-free on the packet. Like, are you having a laugh? I now know we're going to be wrestling in the back seat. Sugar-free for a three-year-old. They won't take it. It's absolutely ridiculous. I'm not being funny but I'd actually prefer to give him all the sugar in the world if it meant getting the antibiotics down his neck with him without him attacking me come on come on england there's a second from her the kids will not take sugar free also while i'm on that i've just been listening to the podcast where you talk about bluey um love that louisa you found a new hobby that's great however i do not like bluey it is banned in our household there is like way too much parent participation for my liking they are getting involved every single day playing with kids non-stop from morning to the end not okay yeah they're holding parents up to an unrealistic standard it's not okay with me so we do not watch that um uh for the reasons why i maybe i maybe i'm just a lazy mum but that's okay we're all ourselves anywho thank you so much for everything that you do we love luanna so much can't wait to see you at the Truxy Academy

6:52Anna Williamson:there's a bluey episode where dad does sleeping lions all day, watch that one I did that with my kids a lot where I was the sleeping lion I'm a bit hungry Petty Polly from Becky next hey Luanna love to pod do all that jizzaroo Petty Polly here I am with the love of my life, he's absolutely amazing he is such a present partner and stepfather to my children and he treats me absolutely amazing. But he snores and has started to get worse over the last few months. I've tried earplugs, etc. But it drives me mad. He's getting louder. I then remembered, when you talk around your phone about certain subjects, it always comes up as an advert on your Facebook or your Instagram.

7:37Anna Williamson:So every night when he snores, I sit there. I sit there and I whisper to his phone certain things and he keeps getting really naggy that these adverts keep coming up on his phone enjoy your butt plugs, bondage and anal probing you prick stick a fucking nose strip on and pipe down, don't get me an on I'm Becky from Shropshire Becky you have to anal bluffs, dildos no you need the Oslo earbuds honestly they're amazing, can't sleep without them and they block out snoring. Honestly, you need them. We've got another Petit Polly from Sophie. She says, It's currently a Sunday. I've been up since five, thanks to my autistic son.

8:20Cleaned the house, got my other child ready to go out for the day, had a shower, sorted the car, while my husband had sat on his lazy ass since 8am playing his PlayStation. Ick! We've got 30... Honestly, I don't think I could date anyone that played a PlayStation or Xbox. It's a really weird ick of mine. It's a massive ick of mine.

8:37Anna Williamson:I've got mates of mine who do and they're perfectly fine and their wives are perfectly fine. For me, it's a hard no. It's a hard no. Alex is not allowed to. How would you feel about that? I don't mind it. Like, if there were things to be done. No, I just can't bear it. Like, don't do it. But like, if it was in your own time and it's just a hobby. Am I an arsehole that I will only let Alex play the PlayStation if he's playing it with my son? I don't even have one in my house. Well, only because they play it with Enzo. But if he's sitting there on his own, I'm like, I just want to divorce him. No, I couldn't.

9:07I mean, Andrew would never want to play a PlayStation. He's very refined. Anyway, well, my husband's sat on his lazy ass since 8am playing this PlayStation. We've got 30 minutes before we have to leave the house to get somewhere on time. And he's decided that now is a good time to go and have a shower and get ready. So what do I do when he's in the shower and pisses me off? Start the dishwasher and the washing machine, which makes our shower go either boiling cold or cold. Enjoy it, knobby. Love the pod. Thanks for giving me a laugh on the school round. Dog rocks. Sophie from the Wirral. Love that.

9:37Anna Williamson:It's a nice little petit-polly inconveniencing.

9:43Anna Williamson:A voice note next from Penny Poustic. I'm going to like this.

9:51Sorry, you can probably hear yourself in the background. Oh, I can. Hey, Google. Pause. I've just had a thought.

10:00Anna Williamson:Sorry, it's Hayley from Kent. Hi. And love the pod and all that shit. Thanks. Why is everyone using poo sticks in emergencies or like in emergencies when should you not most people have a toilet brush to clean your toilet with that you could just just use to just smash it break it up absolutely not and just bin it and buy a new one no why yeah no why aren't people just doing that all over a brush shitty everyone that's it short and sweet that's how emo likes it and hopefully loud. It's excellent, but that's why, Penny. I would be getting a new loo brush every week. No, that's gross. No. It saves the planet.

10:43Right, Laura's up next. She says, Hi ladies, love the pod and all that shit. I've got a story about when my daughter royal embarrassed me during lockdown. It was 2020 and we were deep into home learning. And at the time, I also had a newborn baby, along with a husband, working front-line and testing. So my stress was high. My eight-year-old daughter was trying to complete her schoolwork, which was to read a Scottish paragraph and translate the Scots words into English. For example, heed means head. Parents were previously warned that adult input wasn't necessary and the children should be able to decide what the words meant from the context.

11:19I'm busy feeding my son and my daughter shouted from the table that she doesn't know a word. So I just shouted, Google it. She completed her work, brought it to me to be photographed and sent to her teacher. She was happy, went off to watch TV, satisfied she'd completed the work for the day. After the feed and nappy change, I decided to take a look at what she'd been working on. And then my heart stopped. The word she was stuck on was dyke. And next to it, she had written lesbian. I was mortified. I asked her about it. She said that was the one she'd Googled but didn't know what a dyke or lesbian was.

11:53But she wrote it down anyway. She had a discussion about the word and how it's not a kind word. She used to describe someone. I then had to panic message the teacher and apologise for her work. The teacher replied that it was okay and that it obviously proved that I wasn't involved in doing my daughter's work for her. So she praised me for that. I was mortified. Don't keep me in on. My name's Laura from Arboroth and my now teenage daughter's name is Rose. Oh, you see? Those lockdown days. Six years ago it was lockdown. Oh, gosh. Shit.

12:26Anna Williamson:Crazy, isn't it? That is crazy. It's just a weird... Time flies when you're having fun. What a weird old vortex that was, wasn't it? Right. I feel like I'm flashing YouTube, but I'm so sweaty. Yeah. Oh, never buy cheap shitty dress from Sheen. I think you should just take it off and be naked. Get those little titties out, baby. Get the little titties out. Can't. Right, bellends at birth. I love this feature when we get some stories in. From anonymous, so Gretel. Hi, Luanamo. Here is my Bellens at birth story. However, mine slightly differs as I'm not slagging off my husband or anyone else, but actually dobbing myself in.

13:07Anna Williamson:I've been a midwife for nearly nine years now and was a student midwife for three years before that. As a student midwife, you have to catch 40 babies. I know this. Jessie told me this. That's right. And assist with their labour cares. So picture the scene. There I am, 18 years old in my fresh white uniform, working alongside my mentor to care for a lady having a beautiful, very normal labour in the pool. Part of the care is to listen to the baby's heartbeat every 15 minutes. The room is dimmed, electric tea lights are on, NHS is very anti-live flames near the oxygen. Oh, hang on, we're just getting out the fly zapper because there is a little bastard flying around.

13:42Anna Williamson:There it is. We don't need to hang on. All right, fine. Room is dimmed, electric tea lights are on, NHS is very anti-live flames near the oxygen. Relaxing music, partner is there rubbing her back. I try to lean into the pool. I listen to the babe's heart rate with the Doppler machine without disturbing mum. I get the spot and the fetal heart ticks away at a good rate and then silence. Ah, no, sorry, it's dead, I say and turn away. The woman and her partner start screaming, what do you mean? Surely there's something you can do. To my horror, I realise my mistake and I turn around to quickly explain the situation.

14:17Anna Williamson:I'm so, so sorry for the confusion. I meant the batteries in the Doppler machine are dead. Very much not your baby. Oh, my gosh. Frosty reception for a while after that, but the couple did come to laugh about it after the baby was here. And a definite lesson for me to be very, very careful with your words. Keep up the great work, guys. I look forward to the newest instalments every week. Please keep me a nun and give me a little old lady's name for old time's sake. Oh, my God. Imagine that. Oh, my God, it's dead. Can you imagine? I mean, full on panic mode. Oh, full on. Right, there's like two flies in here that are driving us mad.

14:51Time for confessions. I've never told anyone this, but... Hi, Luanna. Love the pod and all that jizz. Rising in with a confession. Well, I don't know if you would call it that, as everyone who knows me actually knows the story. So no need to keep me in on. As well, the worst people that could find this out are my parents, and they are in the story. So hi, I'm Josie from Cumbria. Hi, Josie. Buckle in, might be long. Back when I was around 16, it was wintertime, so the dark nights were upon us. I had a boyfriend at the time. Sorry, you got it. No, that was already in there. That was an old one. Just haven't cleaned out my zapper.

15:26I had a boyfriend at the time who lived a little further away. My parents had kindly allowed him to stay over for the weekend. All being well, we slept. All being that we slept in separate beds. That weekend, we were due to go to our close family friends party at their house. Just a side note, me being a long-time migraine sufferer to the point that I was taking medication daily to prevent them happening. Back to the story. We've all been there, young, rampant, horny. So it comes to us getting ready to go out to this party. And I turned around to my parents and said, I really didn't think I can go.

15:55I have a migraine. I'm feeling unwell. Obviously, knowing my history with migraines, my parents ushered me to bed, said, don't worry, you stay and rest. My boyfriend at the time was made, settled with the TV and a snack and was left to watch me in case I needed anything. So off they head out for this party. My Oscar-winning performance had just bagged us a free house to ourselves. Let the sex begin. So as you can imagine, the fun began all around the house in all different positions. We were having the steamiest best time. We then watched some television, had some food, and the fun began again.

16:27By this time, it was getting later on. We were up in my bedroom, and he had me bent over, pummeling my back doors in. For context, on the bed, which was directly in front of the window, the next thing you know, I hear a shout from downstairs. hello we're home my parents and my brother with his girlfriend were back from the party I quickly rushed, put my PJs on and headed downstairs holding my head and said did you have a nice time? thinking I totally got away with this everyone burst into laughter and said not as good as your time clearly I was confused and I said what do you mean? only for my mum to turn around and say next time you have sex in front of the window and it's dark outside make sure you turn the lights off

17:09As my family walked back down the road to their house, they could see the full silhouette of us going doggy through the curtains. I've never been so mortified and dreaded to think who else saw that who was walking past. But the moral of the story is don't have sex in front of your window with the lights on if it's dark outside, even if you think your curtains are closed. Great confession.

17:37Anna Williamson:second one our beautiful fair angel of a cat sadly passed away after 16 wonderful years oh the house felt empty and my daughter who was heartbroken couldn't imagine life without her so after much research we found another cat same breed gorgeous little thing what i failed to realize was that beneath that fluffy exterior lived the spawn of satan himself one sunny afternoon I was stripping the bed with the windows open and I popped downstairs for literally two minutes to put some washing in the machine. While admiring the garden from the kitchen window, I happened to glance up and there came Fluffball, not through the door, not down the stairs, out of the bedroom window.

18:17Anna Williamson:I can honestly say my soul left my body. My backside dropped clean out of my trousers. Oh my God, I fell out the bedroom window. I rushed Satan's apprentice to the vet, but sadly there was nothing they could do. What? Now, here's where the confession comes in. My daughter was away in London at a concert. By the time she got home, I'd carefully laid the cat on her bed, looking peaceful. As far as she knows, the cat simply passed away in her sleep. 16 years later, my daughter remains convinced that she had the most serene, dignified feline exit imaginable. Imagine every time she tells the story, I nod solemnly while carrying the weight of a secret that could get me disowned.

18:56Anna Williamson:So, ladies, am I taking this one to the grave? Or is it time for a very overdue family meeting? I reckon you could say it now. Do you? I'd say to the grave. I'd say it. Just, you know, casually around the Christmas dinner table. I mean. Well, good luck with whatever you decide. That is it for this week's Luana Totie Extra. Remember, we will be back with your usual dose of Luana on Monday. You can send your emails in to us, Luana. At everythingluana.com. Also drop onto WhatsApp. send us a voice note or a message. Our number is 075-215-64640. Don't forget to rate, follow and subscribe. Thank you, you absolute beauties.

19:38Anna Williamson:We'll see you Monday. This has been a Global Production.