TOTALLY EXTRA: Banging a Donkey, A Glass Cola Bottle Accident & Eating Nana

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana. This podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But guys, you're here and you know you love it. Good morning, good morning.

0:17Anna Williamson:I love you this morning. Welcome to a fresh new Thursday. Spring is sprung. We are romping towards Easter. This is Luana. Romping. The daffs are out. The daffs are daffing. I can't wait for my tulips. I wish I would have planted more bulbs Isn't this like the perfect time of year when just honestly it just smelled I opened the door this morning and it just smells of just spring and earth and grass and I love it. I'm not sure I got that smell memo. Did you not? It was lovely. It was just countryside joy. I smelled London. Grime and there's a good well you need to get back in that get it back in Champos I know.

0:54Get back in Champos I need to get back to Champos to my death Whiffing that daft smell. I need to do a tulip dance. Like a little Amsterdam. Oh, we should do a maple. Like living in a wimble in old Amsterdam. I'd love to go to the Netherlands and see all those flowers. It's gorgeous. Have you been? I have years ago. Have you? To Amsterdam. Honey. It's gorge. I like Amsterdam, but I've only been to the red light district. That's really depressing, the red light district. Anne Frank Museum. Anne Frank, yeah. And Sex Museum.

1:25Anna Williamson:We had a girls weekend there when I was like in my early 20s. It was so fun. We went and we stayed in a hostel called the Flying Pig. I'll always remember it. And we got in this hostel and we'd booked like a hostel for like our own room. Yeah. For like six of us. That was some random. And yes. No, no, no. We got into that room. I think we'd upgraded ourselves to a whopping 15 euros a night each without breakfast. And we were like, this isn't bad. It rated quite well. and then my mates are out on the balcony trying to have fags and all that kind of stuff. I remember we were in bed, obviously smashed out of our faces.

1:58Anna Williamson:Yeah, and then just a load of random German people just stormed into our room thinking it was their room. No, it's just fond memories of Amsterdam. Get out! Yeah, I mean, to be honest, I think they were terrified. Six pissed-up British women. So last time, I'll just tell you this little story, shall I? Last time I went to Amsterdam was with a guy called Pedro. Oh, brilliant. When was this? So it was like literally really soon after my ex-husband and I split up. Pedro was my removal guy actually. Were you in your slutty post-divorce era? Yeah, I was in my slutty era. I was always in a slutty era actually really generally.

2:36Nothing wrong with that, Lou. But yeah, so Pedro was the removal guy that I met when I like moved into my house. Can I just say that's actually brilliant that you... Actually, the second removal guy that I've shagged.

2:47Anna Williamson:Yeah, I love that. Yeah. Was it the muscles as they were moving your boxes? And the smell, the sweaty BO smell. You know I love that smell. As they got in your box. You might. Do you want to move my actual box? So anyway, went to Amsterdam with Pedro, just like on a whim. Why not? He was quite a good looking Pedro. Didn't have a lot of money, which was fine. And he said to me, if you get the flights and hotel, I'll get everything while we're there. Fine. Fine. Fair enough. I was, you know. The other way around would have been better, but yeah. Anyway, I just thought, fuck it. Fine. Pedro's hot.

3:23You're in your slimy era. Pedro was hot and covered in tattoos. It really wasn't my thing. You just needed a sweaty shag. I just thought, fuck it. Let's go with Pedro the pony. Yeah. Then pony me. So anyway, we got there and we were in like the square. Yes. And Pedro goes to the cash point and he comes back to me and he's like, oh, I can't get any money out. I'm really sorry so I ended up like paying for the whole trip ick so ick and then I was like oh whatever fine Pedro was actually one of a few men like that in my life at the time so anyway no wonder you feel as you feel justifiably so so anyway I was like whatever I was still having fun so we did have a nice weekend and he was like I promise I'll give you like the money back blah blah blah anyway we only like took hand luggage We were only there like a couple of nights and I bought Dixie and I remember I bought Dixie the little Russian stacking dolls.

4:22Anna Williamson:Oh yeah, I love those. Yeah, so I bought her those and then I think I might have bought her some clogs as well. You know, just like silly little gifts. And because we had hand luggage, he had room in his rucksack. So he put Dixie's gifts in his rucksack and then I never saw him again after that weekend. He never gave me the money for the trip, which was fine. but I never got the stuff for Dixie of Pedro and then like years later he messaged me stop it so do you want your clogs back? yes yes he did did he actually? yes he did stop it stop it crazy I know did you get him back? I didn't respond oh do you know it just reminded me of real ick at that point I was like married to Andrew Dixie was like 10 as if she wants fucking clogs the clogs don't even fit her anymore dude but also I bought them back for it she was like 2 babe can I just say He'd seen you in OK Magazine and thought, I am going to hit her up on the off chance.

5:19Anna Williamson:She's up for a booty call. No, Pedro. It's a hard... Can I just say, that is such an ick. You've just thrown me right back. It was a good shag. So I'll give him that. Yeah, but still, you've thrown me back to ick. But it got the ick. No, but I remember going... I went on a slutty weekend with a guy... Pedro the clog stealer. No. Zaki the doorstop giver. Do you remember... Been through a hole. Do you remember there was an ash cloud years and years ago over the bloody Alps? Yeah. And I got started right at the end of ski season. Yeah, because the thing exploded. Yes, and I'd gone for a bit of a slutty weekend with some dude I was just seeing as well, going through a bit of a slutty single phase.

5:54Anna Williamson:There for the sex. But I remember the same thing, actually. And then we couldn't fly home, but the season was closing. So it was like you can't even stay there for the ash cloud to go because the whole of the resort was closing. So I remember forking out a fortune to get Eurostar. So we had to find our way to Paris to then get the Eurostar back. and he said I remember like he was like oh can I pay you back you know when you're just like and I'm not I am not shaming by the way people that he was blatantly poncing well yeah Pedro the poncer this is no shame on people that can't afford stuff by the way but trust me I was not in a position where I could afford much either and he was a proper poncer I'll pay you back all that bullshit I bet you never saw him again never fucking saw him never got my money back and do you know what that really pissed me off essentially we have paid for the shags that killed it for me killed it for me it was just the The orgasms weren't worth the money I spent.

6:41Anna Williamson:No, I was like, anyone can get a flipping credit card, bank loan, to go and get themselves a card back. Could have stayed in England with my finger. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So could I. Save money. Yeah, I didn't need to be going skiing around with someone for all of that. I know. I know. Pissed off about that, actually, Pedro. If you're fucking listening to this s***. Yeah, and you. You still owe me€250, so that's not a year's star ticket. Yeah, give us our money back! Yeah. You skanky man! Skanky bastards. Annie asked me for money for a packet of fags. I was like, what am I? Your mum?

7:11Your mum.

7:12Anna Williamson:Fucking hell. Your cancer sticks. Oh, God. Anyway, icks are over. What are your icks, guys? Send us in your massive icks into Luanna at everythingluanna.com. Do you know, I just think like blatant people. Like how, I just don't have the front. I've never done it in my life. I don't think, you know, people think I'm a bit brazen. I am not. No. I'm not brazen like that. I don't know how people do it. I've never done it. I've had quite a few men like that. Yeah. Yeah. And do you know what? they've all got weird names. Can we talk about this really quickly? Pedro, Paris, Zaki, Loughton. Oh, they're unusual names for sure.

7:50Weird names. Actually, I'm going to take Paris out of that equation because I did really like him. So I take that back. I really liked him. He was just not in the same scope financially as I was. But I really liked him and he healed my heart actually. And if you're listening to this Paris, I still have love for you.

8:07Anna Williamson:Oh, love you parents. It's the cheapskate blazing, brazen, entitled, stop being an absolute skank. Do you know what I mean? Have a bit of fucking class and go and find another resource. I'm not your resource. I'm not your job centre. It's true though. I think back to that guy. I'm like, you could have easily just borrowed it off someone else or got yourself out a 0 % credit card. They know that we're nice. And there's nothing wrong with not having money, but just don't go on the trip. don't this is my point Imo I'm like don't just be like I can't afford it I'd rather not I couldn't afford it I'm talking fucking two decades ago like you know and it's like anyway anyway we are where we are now anyway there you go this is your rep guys yeah alright let's kick in with a message from Anonymous sorry we've totally we've totally hijacked that we've totally digressed and by the way I'm not sorry for naming those guys I hope Imo's left their names sweetie it's your truth it's your truth my truth exactly right hi girls says held a dick.

9:09Anna Williamson:Did you now? Please keep me, give me a porn star name. Although everyone who knows me will know this is me. A few weeks ago, you were asking for first kiss stories. I really wanted to share mine, including the icks. I really want to hear those. My first kiss was when I was 17. Oh, late bloomer. Late starter, but made up for it since, with this boy who I absolutely adored. He was handsome, a year older, funny, all the girls swooned at him. But strangely, he wanted to spend, have you farted? and she's farting and wafting. No, it's so bad. That's why you've worn that skirt. I'm so happy you've wafted it.

9:42Anna Williamson:He was handsome, a year old, a funny, all the girls swooned, I do not want your fart. But strangely, he wanted to spend time with me. You're right, Emmy. Oh, my giddy aunt. Oh, for... Anyway, I'm going to continue. Anyway, strangely, he wanted to spend some time with me, a weird 17-year-old with frizzy hair and zero confidence. The kiss was actually amazing. I was very lucky. We stayed friends but grew apart when I started uni and he finished college and met his now ex-wife. We both married other people. He had two daughters and I had three. Yes, a combined five daughters saved me. Three years ago, we reconnected.

10:22Anna Williamson:I had been divorced for a few years and was enjoying being single. He was in the process of divorce and we decided to meet up on Boxing Day for a catch-up drink. He walked in my house, hugged me and suddenly I was home. Oh, I love this. He said he felt the same, safe. That was just over three years ago. And apart from going to work, we have barely left each other's side, making up for the last 20 years. Oh, that's so cute. Yeah, before we met up, I had decided I wasn't going to ever meet anyone else. Having been in a very controlling and abusive relationship and spending time healing from that, he was similar, an ex-wife who controlled his every move and didn't in a million years think he would fall in love again.

10:57Anna Williamson:We're now homeowners together, planning our wedding and truly grateful for that one kiss when we were 17. That is so lovely. Hopefully my first kiss will also be my last. That is the heartwarming story of the week. That's a story we needed after us slugging off skanky men. Yeah, that's given hope in all of this. I don't want my first kiss to be my last kiss though. I won't know them, but there's someone very close to me in my life whose first kiss is now... I was having an affair. No, no, no, no, it's all consensual. But no, it's not a thing, but I didn't want to... Yeah, go on, get finished. No, but their first boyfriend is now, 35 years later...

11:43Anna Williamson:Oh, that's so cute. Their husband, after a marriage that went wrong, is now their husband, and they've had several marriages and children, and now they're happily in love. How lovely. We've got a voice note rant from Pippa now. Why are you laughing? Oh, this is going to be funny, Sizzims. Okay, go on. girls I love you thank you I love the podcast great quality content all that go but when you go into all this effort yeah Louisa flying back and forth from Dubai and I know fitness in around your kids Emma you've got loads of other jobs why are you allowing some silly bent to cough in the background of the podcast every the last few weeks now I've been here in this coffer and it's driving me mad and I'm sorry girls it sounds like you've got you've got your kids in the background so kids have produced this together I know that's not the case so I'll get the coffer out the room remove Move their microphone.

12:58Edit it out. Whatever. Please, I beg you. It's your kiss. See? It's you. It's you, Anna. My name's Pippa and I'm from Cheshire. Love you, bye. Pippa. It's Anna. It's not some random. Lots of people thought it was Becca. I'd like to say it wasn't Becca. It's Anna. People have been moaning about me not editing it out. When I tell you, I have been fucking editing it out. And then I've been cutting Anna's mic when she has coughed. But when she coughs directly into the microphone, it does pick up on Louise's mic because she's talking. So direct your anger at Coffee McGee over there.

13:32Anna Williamson:So I wasn't aware of this, guys, until the team started mentioning it. Now, all I can say is, I mean, I can apologise, but I can't help that I've had a really bad chest infection. And the problem is... Can we just... Sorry. Sorry. Can I stop you there? Yeah. were you on antibiotics for a chest infection ok I didn't have a chest infection do you know what I mean it's just so over the top all the time every single thing I've had a really bad chest self diagnosed no antibiotics half dead I mean for fuck's sake what's wrong with you all I can say is it is me that was the coffer so please stop slagging off Becca Immo has done her very best She's looking sad.

14:21Anna Williamson:Yeah, she's looking sad. Imo has done her best to mute me. And all I can say, guys, is I didn't choose to have a cough. Trust me. Having a cough is far more irritating for me than it is for anybody else. I've had a cough, but I haven't coughed on the pod. And you'll be delighted to know, have I coughed today? I don't think I've coughed much. In the main, there was a few from both of you. Yeah, but I have had a really bad cough. And I did need to go to the doctor, but I had to flee a war zone. That's a fair point. and I just have had a cough and I'm sorry guys it's been lingering like a fart so please stop slagging off the team anyway great rant love it we've got a Petsy Polly now from and on so will my dick fit yes it will hey you lovely Loan and Moe ladies please call me will my dick fit I have a hot off the press Petsy Polly for you which my subsequent confession was prompted by the lady voice noting in about rude people in the cinema oh yeah my bestie and I decided to go and see the new Wuthering Heights film.

15:18Oh, everyone's loved this. What is Wuthering Heights?

15:22Anna Williamson:It's a classic book. Yeah, novel. Everyone's been saying how beautiful this is and it's really sexually charged. What's it about? Heathcliff, Cathy, The Moors, not The Moors. Isn't it like Unrecognized? I need to break through side. Anyway, whatever. Apparently it's great. You should all go and see it. She does say, totally recommend watching it purely for Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi's chemistry. Apparently it's incredible. Wow. Yeah. This adaption was infinitely more interesting than my experience reading it at school. I was laughing, crying and reveling in the filth. Sounds like one for us.

15:58It was one of the GCSE books you had to read. However, my experience was somewhat clouded by the most rude and inconsiderate group of girls sat one seat to my left. I was whiplashing left, right and centre and even asked them to keep it quiet. I mean it was like having the audio description on it was like having the audio description on of the film we don't need a play by play commentary so I saw my golden opportunity and went for it on the empty seat next to me one girl was resting her nachos I mean red flag in itself and periodically she would put them down and then resume eating them in the rare moments that she wasn't blabbering this was it, my moment so very carefully enshrouded by the darkness of the room I slowly picked up my chipped nail varnish yep ooh ten fingernails and I dropped my hand over the armrest every so often to add a sprinkling to her now congealed cheesy crisps I cannot tell you the elation I felt when the lights came on and the tray was empty my friend absolutely wet herself when I told her and it gave me such a thrill I simply just had to share thank you for the safe space to share this ridiculous story if it weren't for you all the world would be a much duller place.

17:13Big love.

17:14Anna Williamson:That is quite genius. She got the stranger to eat her fingernails. Quite genius. Voice note from Barbara McFannyflaps. Barbara McFannyflaps. Hi girls, just listening to Monday's pod. Thought I would send in my experience in regards to foreign objects up your anal cavity. Please keep me anonymous because I'm not sure whether I should be discussing this on a very public pod. I used to work in operating theatres, and we had a gentleman in one day with a Coca-Cola glass bottle up his bum. He was very lucky it didn't smash. His explanation to the surgeon was that he had been cleaning his windows on his sideboard in the kitchen naked like you do of course, squatted over it he had lost his balance they had been on the side waiting to be recycled even though we knew that that was a couple of bulls story it's perfectly feasible as well, you don't know what people do in their home, he might have had some sort of kink cleaning naked until three months later when the same gentleman with a glass Coca-Cola bottle up his bum but this time it smashed and he ended up losing his lower colon and ended up with a clostomy bag so if you are going to do something like that make sure it's not a glass bottle it was the most disturbing but fascinating operation I've ever seen in my life Vile.

19:09And that happened 17 years ago, and I can still remember absolutely everything from that day. Wow. Love the pod. Thank you, darling. Keep doing what you're doing. I thought I would just share my little story. Bye. That was before the days of being able to, like, Amazon a dildo. Imagine him going around life now.

19:30Anna Williamson:People going, sad come you got your colostomy. Well. I was using me window lean cleaning. And would you believe I just happened to accidentally fall on a bottle which smashed up my arsehole. Jesus. Bloody hell. He didn't land the first time either. That reminded me of Big Brother back in its heyday when that contestant called Kinga used a wine bottle. That was so famous. That was so famous. Where is Kinga now? Where is Kinga nowadays? Kinga, do you listen to this? Kinga, we need to do a section on where are they now? Now, we need to do a Where Are They? Lufanians, who do you want to know with Where Are They Now?

20:13Anna Williamson:So Kinga, I'm sticking it out there. Kinga. Kinga from Big Brother. Where is she now? Yeah, there it is. And the fact her name was Kinga was like even better. Kinga, yeah. Kinky Kinga. Finger Kinga.

20:27Right, we've got a message from Manon, so tactical tilling. Hey Luanna ladies, absolutely love the pod and all that jizz. I've just listened to the Toety Extra episode where someone sent in the cruel things she used to do to her sims and unfortunately I used to do something similar but my mum was tight and didn't let me have sims so instead I would play the very family friendly game Zoo Tycoon but my version was a little different I would put one enclosure full of lions in the zoo just enough to attract visitors and once I thought I had enough visitors I would delete the fencing for the lions and let them roam free And when I had all the visitors run into the exit, I would use animal fencing to block off that only escape route.

21:08And little me would then sit there and watch the animals chase, hunt and eat the visitors. How bloody awful. Before you ask, I am fairly normal and haven't heard any animals or people in real life. Please keep me in on as I'm now one of the only 450 female firearms officers in the UK. Not sure about this, Tilly. She now works with guns. you can call me Tactical Tilly I've got lots of enjoyable stories about being a female firearms officer that once I get braver I will send in lots of love

21:40Anna Williamson:get brave, get brave, get brave also send me a gas mask, Zisman's just farted again where is Kinga now? we're not sure I want an actual voice note from Kinga let's do a find Kinga says she has since disappeared from the spotlight well indeed I. Nothing like having a wine bottle up your vag for that. Yeah, I can't really find... I need to do some more looking. If you're wondering why I'm muffled, guys, it's because she's got... Right, voice note from Laura next. Good morning, girls. It's Laura here, long-time listener. Hi, Dave. OG. A little bin story for you. So, I know how much you love these bin stories.

22:22My friend ordered something from Nadine Murabi, which is quite an expensive outfit dress company. I'm a fan, lovely. and they sent the delivery lovely about five days later she looked on her emails and it says delivered yeah she hadn't had any delivery and contacts the company and they said that they had a photo of it in the bin her bins had been out and they had taken the dress which was worth 500 pounds i mean how ridiculous to put it in the bin that is full of rubbish oh what an idiot anyway just another little story

22:57Anna Williamson:hope you're all okay did she get a refund oh you must have had a refund and replacement surely that's wild my goodness people are so thick oh you've got one fucking job you've got one job as a delivery driver why would you put a delivery in a full bin that's clearly left out there's just utter stupidity laziness I would just like to honestly know the logic was it raining and did you think putting it in a bin would help I mean it's just stupid people doing stupid things. Wow, it is. Because they're lacking. Can I just say, though, loving the bin story. Right, kids say the funniest things from Liz BN.

23:37Anna Williamson:Yes, that's right. You liked that one, didn't you? I do. Imo's loving it. I love Imo. Just wanted to share a cute but funny story about my son. It was a couple of months before his fourth birthday. And so I asked him what he wanted to do for his party that year. He looked at me totally deadpan and said, I want to bang a donkey. I want to bang a donkey. Oh, he wants a piñata. Oh, I was completely shocked. I thought, well, how the hell had he got into bestiality at such a young age? I offered soft play, petting zoo, trampolining as other ideas for his party, but he kept running around the house shouting, no, I want to bang a donkey.

24:12Anna Williamson:I didn't know what to do, so I just dropped the topic. Only a couple of weeks later at a friend's house when he came home, she said he let him bang a donkey. I realised he meant a piñata. he's almost 13 now and I remind him that it's every birthday no need to keep me anonymous but I love a porn star name can't wait to see you in London in October me and your two best pals we have tickets and we're so excited can't wait to see you babes banging a donkey banging a donkey there it is we've got a Luana piñata that we've never used have we? yes got our faces on it well let's go and bang Luana yeah we've got a message from a nun now so serenade it's a question hi luanna immo and bex this is an anonymous message and when i say it's anonymous it really is because i'm trying to put on an accent whether or not you would have guessed that i don't know but my question is is why more people don't put on accents for the anonymous messages because sometimes people give their whole life story they'll say i'm anonymous but I live in Wales with my husband who I've been with for 10 years he's a teacher I'm a doctor we've got a 10 year old and a seven year old but please keep me anonymous and they they use their normal voice and I think well if I knew if that was one of my friends messaging in I'd be able to put two and two together in a second great accent so I'm just saying that I think more people should put on an accent here and there my other question is Imogen does everybody write in how they do or do you tweak the writings in a little bit here and there as in some of these messages that could read on the pod are as if they've been written by some first-class author I'd be buying their books they're so clever with how they write these things and I just wonder if the Lufanians are just a bunch of amazing writers or if you give them a little tweak here and there.

26:14Anyway please keep me anonymous give me a wonderful name thank you for all you do I love the pod and all that jazz. Bye Not bad Do you tweak them? No She doesn't actually she's just copying and pastes sometimes the spelling mistakes are so hard to decipher. Yeah I don't