TOTALLY EXTRA: Bike Lanes, Pretending to be Colourblind & Unique Loo Habits

0:00Anna Williamson:Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting, to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luanna, and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, bants, and general explicit content.

0:40But, guys, you're here and you know you love it. And we love you. Good morning, good morning, and welcome to turds-day. Welcome to turds-day. Talk to morning to you all today. What accent are you all going to do? Let's do our favourite accent. Okay. Right, UK accent. Why does it have to be UK? Why?

0:59Anna Williamson:Because that's what I was just choosing. Well, I didn't want to do that. Well, because you went Irish, so I'm like, let's do UK. I'm going to do Scouts. I'm going to go... Ireland isn't in the UK, just so. Northern Ireland. Yeah, okay. Oh yeah, that wasn't a Northern Ireland accent. Fair. Alright, I'm going to do Ben. That's Liverpool. That's a Liverpool accent, so welcome to Thursday. Welcome to Thursday, Luanna, totally extra. Hello, dear. How are you today, dear little dear? Diddly, diddly, dee. Diddly, dee. Emojin? Come on. Do Scottish. Yeah, but Irish isn't the UK. I've done Irish. Do Bex, Brummie.

1:39Oh, dear Brummie. Hello. Welcome to. I don't know how to. Welcome to. Totally extra. This is totally extra. Yeah. No, it's not what you sound like. Go on, you've got to do what? Do Scottish. What about Cornish? West Country. Oh, good Lord. Do Essex. Ooh, Farmer Joe. I'm going to be Farmer Joe. Hello and welcome. Oh, that went weird, didn't it? I don't know. Oh, she's going to fart. No, here we go.

2:05Anna Williamson:Listen to this. It's too good to miss. Silent. What a shame. Well, listen, let's... Anyway, now, now, now, now. You're here now, lads. Get on with your G up. Let's move on in from a message from Becky. Becky, Gina, Andy, Ellie. Beth, thank you. Shout and tab. I'm going to stop now. Hi, Luanamo. Your fan base has restored my faith in humanity. It has ours, actually. Yeah. Quite honestly. Sort of. Some of the messages we get. I'm not so sure. I mean, what Luanamo has taught me is that there is a really mixed bag of people in this world. Nothing surprises me. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. There is nothing that surprises me.

2:42You just, you know.

2:43Anna Williamson:I accept everything now. They walk amongst them. They fucking do, Luanims. Our best friend Millie moved to Perth. Moved to Perth a few months ago. No, I'll stop. And has been struggling to make genuine connections. It's very hard. It is. Relocating can be really tough. We've been in the same group of friends for 20 years, so it's unfamiliar for her. She's made the bold decision to post on your Facebook group explaining how she was looking to make friends with similar personalities. I might have seen this post. Yeah, so this is on our Everything Luana official Facebook group, guys. Please do join it, only if you're not a knob.

3:16Anna Williamson:Don't be a c***. Don't be, yeah, exactly. Because if they do listen to you, like we all do, they will be judging no one. Exactly. And wow, did she get a response. Lovely, wonderful. Congratulations. We love you, Lufanians. You're amazing. Everyone was so lovely to her and she's received so many messages with invites and kind advice. It's nice to know that even on the other side of the world, she can count on Luanna. We've got so many Aussie listeners as well, haven't we? We've had a boom in us. So many, yeah. We've had a boom down under. We've gone viral in Australia. I'd quite like to visit there.

3:47Anna Williamson:We should go and do bloody Australia, bloody hell, as long as it's a bloody first class flight because I'm not going to economy. I am not going to economy. Thank you, fuck there. She can count on Luanna to find like-minded people with the same bants and personalities. Let's hope this finds her new friends that are nearly, but not quite as good as we are. So that's so sweet. Sending her some virtual love. Love, Beth, Becky, Gina, Andy, Ellie, Shah and Tab. Well done, community. And do join our Facebook group to connect with other Lufanians. And also remember that if you want to watch us, we're also on YouTube.

4:19That's it. You too, me. Voice note from Jess next. This is Jess from Bournemouth. And let me tell you, I have a warning for all Lufanians. I have made a mistake today, a big one. So I went to Lidl and I bought some snacks. We're having a cosy day today. Bought some yoghurt pouches, some chocolates and sweets, some Pringles, all the essentials and sitting down and my five year old has just come up to me saying look my look what creation I've made with a big blob of yoghurt on a Pringle I don't know if you're a hardcore Louis fan you know exactly you know what came to mind you know the Pringle care home story and I am really struggling to not feel nauseous awful awful scarred actually I can't remember what that episode was called, but go back and listen to it.

5:19Oh, it was... Right, shit gifts now from Kate. Hey, my fave girls. Hey, babe. Mariah is on the slow defrost setting. Yes! So I'm thinking, let's bring back some shit gifts, shall we? Zone one. There's only 10 Fridays till Christmas. Yay! Actually, less now. Way less. Way less. Way less. My grandmother is the worst for shit gifts. She doesn't believe in spending money on gifts for Christmas, so instead she stores up free things that she can get her hands on throughout the year and just gives those out, wrapped in an incredible neat little box with a bow. Over the years, I've had a pen from the divorce lawyer she used when divorcing my grandad, a carpet sample, thick pearl, grey, a plethora of bookmarks from the local library, why you'd need more than one is beyond me, a plastic camping cutlery set, a box of 200 johnnies.

6:12She used to work in a GP surgery and they were expiring. So she was able to take them. I actually appreciate this one. Had a great fun getting through as many as possible before they expired. A branded bandana guard. Banana. Banana guard, sorry. From a work conference she went to about nutrition. I love her, but I'd just rather nothing. Except the Johnnies. You like the Johnnies. Yeah, the Johnnies were a good one.

6:34Anna Williamson:Yeah. Love that shit. My great aunt used to do that. What Johnny? Not Johnny. She snuffed it now, but she used to send stuff that she'd collected over the years from WI. Brilliant. sort of like dinners and stuff and you would just get it. So like a sort of half used potpourri thing, like just, you know, anything, anything that came to mind. My mum had the boxes of Johnnies and used to give them to me. Did she? Oh, because she's a nurse. Yeah, she used to get like giant boxes. A bit wasted on you. Mum, I'm a lesbian. She sent me off to uni with a box of like 200 normal ones and a box of 200 flavoured ones.

7:07Did you use any of them? I ain't sucking no cock. No, they all expired before I got around to it. But I did give them out to my friends and stuff. so I'll try them oh honey popular and then you were known as Johnny Girl the Johnny Girl the Johnny Girl the irony

7:19Anna Williamson:yeah I love that good mum I'm going to do that with Enzo actually and Elle when they go to uni I'm going to just go right kids uni survival box I'm going to give you a six bag Jagerbomb that's it Johnny paracetamol like Domino's vouchers yes probably a few morning after pills for Elle yes you know no probably no that's really inappropriate well no it's true though but you know don't sugarcoat this shit it's true it's true I want her to know that she can get help I mean Lucy's 16 next year well I've told her if she ever gets pregnant she's not basically she's ousted that's it, the fear oh I'm not being a granny oh my god can we just talk about granny Lou imagine, I'd be the worst I do not want to look after my kids children you've made that plainly clear I'll pay for a nanny But for the sake of all of us, I think we can all enjoy absolute gold.

8:16Imagine if Dixie got pregnant at 18. That's in like three years. You'd be Granny Lou. Granny Lou. It's not funny. What would you actually, just by way of hypothetical. If Dixie got pregnant? No, no, no, not that. March at an abortion clinic.

8:28Anna Williamson:Brilliant, thank you. No, but if and when you become a granny, which is probably likely with one of your three children, what are you going to be called? A nonna. You're going to be nonna? Yeah, because my mum is Italian. and non-na is... But what would your mum be to them? Mamina then, great-grandma. Or non-ina. It's non-ina. Oh, we call it mamina. And non-ina is great-grandma. Oh, well, we call it mamina. What do you do? My dad is pups. Pups, yeah. Like papu. What would Andrew be? I reckon he'd be a pup. Well, actually, Andrew's dad is dander because one of the kids couldn't say grandad and said Danda so now they all call him Danda my mum and dad are Nina and Dida for the same reason so I think that we'd probably be Nonna and Danda I like that or like he might be a pups as well that's so interesting I think Alex would be a Nonna probably I'd be Nana I'm fucking bringing back dead Nana I'm gonna be Nana Nana what would you be Nana I am such a Nana Nana I just have to be Nana Nana what about you I might be glammy Glammy?

9:43Come and see Glammy darling That would be me When I'm old I'm going to be really posh Have you seen Amanda Land? Yes Joanna Lumley

9:55Anna Williamson:The best Ever Ganggan Is she Ganggan in it? My aunt didn't want to be called grandma Lots of people do have quite a stigma around what name they have. And she's called Gmar. Gmar. Which I quite like. My grandma signs off all her texts Gmar. Gmar, yeah. Gmar. I love it. I love it. There you go. Anyway, there you go. So maybe if you're a young granny, a young nan, let us know what you're called, because this is interesting, because Lou needs to start prepping for this now. No, I do not need to prep for this. Lou could be a 40-year-old grandma, and it could seriously happen. No way. I will actually kill Dixie.

10:33I've told her, you're not living under my roof with a baby. I don't want a fucking kid here. screaming my house down. Fuck that. If she did that to me, well, she knows I've given her the talk on several occasions.

10:45Anna Williamson:Right, misheard lyrics from Anonymous, so Saphonda Cox. That's a good one. That wasn't me. I can tell. She's seizing because it's not hers. She thought that it wasn't her. Hi, Luanna Moe. When I was younger, I thought, this is where I've heard this. Feed the world. Let them know it's Christmas time. was actually feed the worms. Let them know it's Christmas time. Nobody ever corrected me. I sang about feeding worms at Christmas time until I was 25. That's where my friend thought it was FIFO. Literally, same thing. Another was instead of my girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time.

11:32My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time.

11:36Anna Williamson:I thought the song was about a tiger. And the words were, tiger. My girl wants to party all the time, party. Well, there you go. Oh, God bless you, Sir Fondercocks. Yeah, thanks, babes. Got a voice note rant from Emma next. Emma, who is Irish? Oh, top of the morning today. Emma now there then, now that's great stuff going on now. Incoming live rant. what the fuck is wrong with cyclists not using the bike lane god bless the Irish there's a cyclist in front of me I'm literally screaming out the window get on the fucking bike lane fuck off the road let me drive my car and yeah there he is still on the fucking road dick I love her Love you girls and all that shit Jazz, jizz Oh my god Happy fucking Sunday indeed That's out of the system now Emma from Dublin Oh I love Emma from Dublin So good You just can't beat Even when the Irish people are angry They don't sound angry It's like when Andrew our first ever argument When he called me the Antichrist during Covid you're like the fucking antichrist well it's poetry but myself it was poetry in motion A he'd never ever raised his voice before at me ever and we'd been together for like 10 years yeah that was a bit of a rattle for you wasn't it yeah yeah he'd never done that but also when the Irish I was and then his insult was that I was the antichrist that was like the cherry on the cake that I needed I've never let him live it down that was a cool it's actually the one and only argument we've ever had yeah that well you see everyone had the testing times of COVID.

13:27Anna Williamson:Testing times of COVID. He didn't like that I kept going out, by the way. That's why I was the Antichrist. Oh, that's why you're the Antichrist. Oh, there you go then. But I used to be very good friends with Keith Duffy. I'm not saying we fell out. We just don't speak much anymore. But we went through a spate of being friends. We were on a TV show together. He used to say, with the Irish, because I kept saying to him, can you, like, because every other word was foch. Yeah. Every other word was foch. Oh, no, foch in this, foch in that, foch in that. And then he was like, it's not swearing when you're Irish it's poetry that's what he always used to say and it's true you sort of forgot that every other word was fuck it was just there oh fucking especially when it's like more like fech yeah fech oh what the fuck are we going to fucking do for fucking lunch and I was like stop swearing it's like it's not swearing when you're Irish it's poetry poetry poetry right we've got funny names from Lily next she says hi Luanimo just listened to the episode where you guys discuss funny names and I had to share with you a couple of names that I've come across in my time Whilst working in London, I used to share a desk with a lady called Kelly, who then went on to marry a guy with the surname Kelly.

14:25So she became Kelly Kelly.

14:30Also, my brother used to go to school with a boy called Russell Sprout. Why? That's just child abuse. Call your kid Russell Sprout, who during primary school soon used to be called Farty Farty. They used to call him Farty Farty around Christmas time. Poor Russell Sprout. If your last name was Sprite, why would you call your son Russell? Anyway, I love you girls. Thank you for the love and laughter you give us every week. Lily from Bedfordshire. Well, thank you, Lily. Thank you for that genius. Absolute belter.

15:13Anna Williamson:voice note rant from anonymous so pru queef is that umo yes it is because look how funny she found it sorry we're happy with ourselves from roncorn um i have a pet hate for you today something that really grinds my gears i do think it's more of an older generation habit so i do think it's dying out so i don't need to let it worry me too much but it's when you ask someone how long something's going to be and instead of saying 15 minutes or 45 minutes it's those specific times it's um a quarter of an hour or three quarters of an hour why it's so pointless it's such a long way of saying it 15 minutes a quarter of an hour 45 minutes three quarters of an hour who's got the time in their day to even work that out it's so annoying in fact it's my father-in-law that does it it's my dad oh my god I'll be there in three quarters of an hour why not just say I'll be there in 45 minutes or I'll be there within the hour oh my god I've never heard a young person say it so I do think it's down it is an old person it really annoys me it will ruin my day if somebody says it in the morning because I'm thinking about it all day I'm like where did you get it from who said that to you and then you thought oh that's such a cool thing to say I'm going to say that myself because it's awful.

16:39Stop doing it.

16:40Anna Williamson:Awful. It's a dad thing. My dad does it and I find it really endearing. It's a granny thing to do. Right, message from Carmen Filmerhole.

16:51Anna Williamson:Carmen Filmerhole. Brilliant. Imo is literally loving life. Right, you don't get this on Vogue and Ambers, do you, Imo? No. Hello, lovely ladies. I've been listening to you all summer whilst attacking jobs around the house and find myself chuckling along like a loon to all of the crazy bents. I was hoping to gauge some advice from all of you as three very independent women. Okay, here we go. I was made redundant earlier this year and I've been struggling to find another job. My other half earns enough to support the family, but I feel like my identity has been stripped away with a lack of a role outside the house.

17:25Anna Williamson:It's very important, by the way. I love my kids and it's great that I get to be around a little more, but I really hate housework. It's not for me and the repetitiveness of life as a stay-at-home mum is slowly killing off my brain cells. I've worked since I was 14 always been fiercely independent and I've never relied on anyone for money the reality now of having to rely on my other half for spends feels so degrading to me he's always been generous with what is his never cared about who contributes what however I've always matched contributions equally it's always been a point of pride for me he has a new business idea which he wants me to run which is kind of fine but it feels like a handout which makes me feel uneasy and there is something in me that feels like a failure if I haven't earned the role respect and the salary he keeps saying that we're a team and if this route means that i'm at home more for the kids and everything is a little easier then it's all a bonus but i just feel like a kept woman and such a bloody failure and hypocrite as a staunch feminist who has never been reliant on anyone especially a man please share any pearls of wisdom you may have and keep me anonymous a glamorous prozzie name would be fab thanks and kisses oh i really i really empathize with you because it's it's such a common feeling this do you know what I would say to you is don't take that role with your husband and go and get a job because you will actually be happier because I think if you're feeling like this now that feeling I think will only get worse and you know like a consolation prize yeah and I just think as well it is nice having something of your own that you earn and that you work for and that you deserve and um yeah it's also nice being around for your kids but that does you know if you obviously you know you say it's killing your brain cells being at home I get that it would do with me too like I could easily be a stay-at-home mum but I don't want to be I like having my own money I like earning money and I like um not how you know you can buy what you want when you want without having not even asked but just check I guess that it's okay it is part of your identity so honestly if you're feeling like this now I believe that that feeling will only get worse and for your own happiness and sanity I would go out and get your own job let your husband employ someone in that new company and then you can then perhaps revisit that at later stage but I definitely believe you need to go and get something of your own for yourself.

19:39Anna Williamson:Yeah of your own back and I think it sounds like you're doing what a lot of couples try and do which is trying to figure out what the new normal is and it's clear that your husband obviously really appreciates and feels a real value in you being around for the children which is really nice and it sounds like he's trying his best to sort of not have his cake and eat it because I think it comes from a good place but it's like he obviously loves and values you being at home and taking on that lion's share of raising the kids you know whilst he's out working so he wants but he also recognizes that you need something as well so he's trying to make that sort of fit but it's not working for you you need that complete independence away from your husband you also mentioned that you hate like things like the cleaning the house you know I don't know what you do for a career I don't know if she said what it was but you've always worked you say since you were 14 you don't have to get a full-time job you know you could get something um you know have a think about what you really want to do and what really will fill that cup of independence like i've got some friends struggling to find another job so you have obviously been looking i think it depends on what that might be if it's in what are you looking for a job in your specific sector i know some people that were lawyers and realized they just couldn't do the rat race of being a lawyer with four kids at home but then they're now doing they they doing like working in a gym or they're you know they're doing something completely different but gives them that fulfilling independence um so i was and i would outsource as well and say get someone to do your cleaning because if that if you can afford that and if that's giving you like soul destroying or even you know what even study like i've got another friend of mine who doesn't financially need to work but she used to be very high powered in events um it doesn't make sense for her to work and have that career because one of them has to raise the child because her partner's always traveling for business.

21:17Anna Williamson:But she's the same thing, just brain dead. So now she's studying for something at home, which feels really stimulated. She's on Zoom calls. She goes to conference and webinars when she can. And she says it's really, she's really found her purpose again whilst being around at home for the kids. So maybe that's a route too. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place.

21:52Anna Williamson:Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Some confessions. I've never told anyone this, but dear Luanamo, I lied that I was colorblind in uni. and I've kept it up through my adult life. So like that Italian guy. Isn't it? Disability allowance. I just wanted to be a bit different and I thought it'd be called Sales Colour Blind. My uni mates became my best mates and one of them became my husband and I've never ever dropped the lie and I live in fear of the repercussions if it comes out.

22:31Do you think I can ever get out of it? Can you regain your colour site? I don't know, but probably not. But I just love that that lie has caught up with you forever. but you can still see in colour when you're colour blind but you see colours in different colours isn't it red and green that's mixed up or something yeah I mean I can relate in the sense

22:51Anna Williamson:I did try I forgot that you can be colour blind yeah it's quite niche isn't it I forgot that's why she likes yeah I remember trying and I tried to fib to new friends when I started new school that my name was Annabelle and then that caught up with me I did just have to fess up and go no I was just trying to it was just Anna yeah it was just Anna I guess like the longer you keep it up though You do look like a bit of a knob when it comes out. And I felt a knob saying it. And they'll be like, why did he pretend you were colourblind for 25 years? For what reason? It's so weird. But then on the flip side, I would find it hilarious.

23:25If you turned around and said to me, do you know what?

23:29Anna Williamson:Guess what? I'm not neurodivergent at all. It was all just, I'd be like, oh my God, you weirdo. Like I'd find it funny, but I guess not everyone's wired like us. Oh, next confession. Hi, Luanamo. Firstly, love the pod. And secondly, thank you for the safe space to confess. Always, my love. My confession is, I can't remember the last time I went to the loo for a poo and I... And I didn't rub one out. It all started years and years ago when I was on a car journey and really felt the urge to poo. You know, a classic build in the tummy. I was clenching and clenching downstairs and suddenly I came.

24:05Anna Williamson:once the waves of the orgasm had subsided I didn't need to poo as much and I could hold it until I got to the loo well since then every time I poo I masturbate and it's fantastic oh that just feels very dirty to me is it a guy or a girl? a girl I reckon well since then especially when it's a desperate one I know it sounds gross but it's not gross it's just an urge and it's all connected and why am I even trying to explain I like doing it and I won't stop anonymous okay the end of that message you do you honey it was just in caps then I like doing it and I won't stop you do you every time I shit I wank and I fucking love it yeah there you do you honey you do you well on that note bye that's it remember we will be back with your usual days of Luana on Monday thanks for tuning in you can write in to us Luana at everythingluana.com it is your episode so we do rely on you heavily the WhatsApp number is 07745266947.

25:07Anna Williamson:That is for your voice notes of joy. Make sure they're high quality. Otherwise, Imogen gets very angry. Please follow us. Please subscribe on YouTube and the podcast as well. It's really important to us. And we'll see you next week. Bye.