TOTALLY EXTRA: Body Counts, Videocalls in the Changing room & a Special Hedgehog

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But, you know you love it. Good morning, good morning. Welcome to Thursday. Yeah, welcome. It's Thursday. It's really exciting. Pardon me. What have you just done? A little bottom burp. I didn't hear it. Oh, I should have kept that quiet. A body burp. I didn't hear anything. But anyway, it's Thursday. And what's more exciting is that tomorrow is Friday. And normally, Friday the 13th is an unlucky day. Not tomorrow. Not tomorrow. It's your lucky day.

0:39It's Friday. It's Sunday. We are doing Luana, the big Galentine's Night In. It's all about celebrating friendship. We are turning your Friday the 13th into the best one you've ever had. So if you haven't got a ticket, head to everythingluana.com now. and buy a ticket. It's the price of a Starbucks.

1:01Anna Williamson:It's going to be live on the Tinternet at 7.30 GMT. Because obviously wherever you may be around the world you can join us. And it's fully interactive. So you can ask us questions on there. There's a live feed. You can even chat to other people should you want to. Games. We're celebrating all things friendship. So you've still got time to get your shout outs in. Any good friendship stories. Any good friendship confessions. Maybe you want to do a petty poly to your mate. but you want to announce something to your friends live on the big night in. We want to hear it. Just go to everythingluana.com.

1:33Anna Williamson:Now, don't do that. Well, do do that to get your tickets. But send them in to Luana at everythingluana.com. Right. That was your admin for tomorrow. Join us with a glass of wine. Right. This is Thursday. It's not about us. It's about you. We're bringing you extra rants, extra chats, extra confessions, extra stories, extra you. Extra. Do follow us. And if you're watching on YouTube, hello, please subscribe now. Hi, YouTubers. Hi. Right, let's smash in, shall we? Yeah. I'm going to smash that Jackie P for lunch today. I thought you were going to say I'm going to smash your back doors. I'm going to smash your back doors in.

2:11I'm going to smash that Jackie P. Oh, I'm going to smash it in my face so hard. You know what I really want? Like the Jackie P of the cheese, the beans and salad with lemon juice. Also, Lufthanians. And I've got coleslaw. I've got coleslaw, guys.

2:23Anna Williamson:Lufthanians, we do always go on about our love of the Jackie P after recording. because every record, we have a Jackie P afterwards because that is our reward. That is our Jackie P reward. We're like dogs, like little doggies. Oh, that was quite... Oh, I talk to Crumble now. That's like our language. Your son. Are you going to get him baptised? Oh, my God. Yes. I'm going to do that for content. You are doing... I'm going to Chris and Crumble. Yeah, you're going to Chris and Crumble. I might crochet him an outfit for that. Can I be his godmother? You need to come to Dubai then. Well, then I will.

2:55oh my god you should come to Dubai and we should record in Dubai selling sunset ain't got nothing on us and we should do a crumble christening

3:03Anna Williamson:I'll be godmother pup mother if we can't afford to fly you to Dubai we'll just put you on Zoom fine but I can wear I can wear like religious shit because I'm going to do it soon you can wear your handmaid's tail outfit I can wear my hammer I could wear my fucking nun outfit yeah and I will be the pup mother yes yes so your pup mother actually what's the other look let's just write her lyrics from Lauren she says hi Luanna first time writing in long time listener I love listening to your podcast while I'm at work I'm a self-employed cleaner and I have a misheard lyric for you Shania Twain man I feel like a woman in the chorus goes oh oh oh oh go totally crazy forget I'm a lady then it says feel the attraction colour my hair do what I dare for years I thought she said, feel the attraction, come in my head.

4:00Come in my head, do what I dare.

4:03Anna Williamson:Oops, she says. Lauren from Cambridge. Well done for not being anonymous. Can I also say, you would only think that lyric if you had had that done to you. Come in my head, do what I dare. Can we just say, that is an absolute banger. A banger. All the old songs are bangers. Like all these songs. 90s, Shania. Oh my God, there's this 90s and 2000s night in Dubai. It's not even a night. It's called Please Leave by 10. Even better. And it finishes at 10pm. I mean, this is what we're talking about. And it starts at like 6pm. And it's all that cheesy music. This is basically what we're doing for the big party.

4:40It's on the... Oh no, you're in Celebsland.

4:42Anna Williamson:I'm in Celebsland. But I come to the next one. But also, this is pretty much what we're doing for Luana the Big Party on October the 3rd. if you've got your ticket, you're in for an absolute Bobby Dazzler. You're in. Because basically we're getting pissed and partying and being done by 10. Because we know that everybody wants to... Sorry, Lucy's got her kids up on the random computer screen. I don't know what... You know what annoys me as well is when the phone connects to the computer and then it rings and then it fucks everything up. Yeah. Anyway, right. Great. We've got a petty poly voice note now from a non.

5:12We called you Doris.

5:14Anna Williamson:Hi, Lou Animal. Hi, Dolly. You very rarely have people from Northern Ireland on the voice note section. So I thought I would give it a go. Good. So I have a petty poly for you. I was at the gym and had had a shower and was in the little cubicles getting changed when I heard someone's phone ring. So the lady answered the phone and the other person said, happy birthday to her. She was 56, lovely. is that a right yes it's her birthday I needed to go out of the cubicle to get something from my bag and when I crept out in my toil the other woman was on a video call a video call in the changing room now there's signs all around saying no mobile phones but on a bloody video call catch a badge what the actual fuck so back of the shot I then went to the section where the hair dryers are and instead of just turning on one hair dryer I turned on all the hair dryers so that this woman and her friend couldn't hear each other because I thought, how blooming inappropriate is that?

6:22How dare you?

6:23Anna Williamson:A video call in the middle of a changing room. To be fair, that's normal. Needless to say, she packed up and left fairly swiftly after that and I gave her a really dirty look as she left and I felt very smug that I was protecting the privacy of all the female gym goers. True. That is true. Yeah, how odd. anyway thank you so much for doing what you do I actually sometimes nearly wet myself with laughter we do on those long nights trying to put my children to bed I've got my ear pods in thinking that I'm very smug just sitting giggling away bye bye that's a really good point that is so bad really good point I love that Pessie Polly though turning on all those imagine the satisfaction zzzzz zzzzz zzzzz zzzzz woooo yeah yeah Sorry.

7:12I also love the Britishness that...

7:14Anna Williamson:Did I just disturb your video call? Or that we don't... I'm not shading you for this because I wouldn't do the same. We don't actually just go up to that person and say, would you mind turning off your video call? We just do the Petty Polly instead. Well, the Petty Polly's always better. We don't like confrontation. We've got another one in next, Anna. Petty Polly, good. It's my favourite. It's from Anonymous. So, Indie Bump, please. Hi, Luanna, Imo. Please give me your best porn star name. I need yours and Lufanian's advice on a Petty Polly and what I should do. My boyfriend and I moved into our new bid house in the summer and over the last few months, pretty much every day, sometimes more than once a day, we receive food deliveries that we didn't order.

7:51Anna Williamson:Turns out my address shows on Uber Eats, etc. but their address doesn't, which is next to mine and has more houses on than mine, which I find strange, but it's true. So my issue is, this is so annoying when the door is going every five minutes. That's so annoying. Yeah, and it's not even for us. The address that it's for hasn't ever popped around to let us know the situation. That's weird. I had to find out their address doesn't show from another neighbour. They also don't look out for the drivers either, and the delivery drivers were also really confused. So what can I do to get back at them?

8:22Anna Williamson:So what do they do? And they obviously just say, not here, you have to go next door. Yeah, and she's having to answer the door all the time. And then say, wrong one, next one. That's so annoying. Yeah, it is annoying. So what can I do to get back at them? I just find it really rude that they haven't come to us to let us know. Give us a heads up that there's an issue or to look out for the driver. Yeah, that's so rude. I'm tempted to start taking deliveries in to prove a point I took one in before and they never came round oh if they did come round I could give it give them a piece of my mind but I need petty pollies to get back at them as they have well and truly pissed me off and will continue to do so yes I'm not going to go round to tell them because they're the ones ordering the food so I just don't see why I should make the effort to go to theirs to explain when they're the ones ordering the food and being rude thanks girls loving the pop but do they realise but do they realise that she's telling them, the driver, to go round to them.

9:12Anna Williamson:Well, they're obviously putting the wrong address in, so they must. Yeah, but does the driver say to them, I went next door? Do you know what I mean? I don't think the driver went next door. Do you know what I mean? Because if he's going on her door first and she's going, it's not for me, it's next door. So he then just goes next door, knocks on the door and goes, there's your food. I don't think there's that much chat between delivery driver and person. Do you know what she needs to do? She needs to get a bin outside her house and she needs to take the deliveries and put it in the bin. and then when they come round she can say your food's in the bin.

9:41Don't put other shit in the bin, just have like a clean but empty bin and then they will have to go round to her house and take it out the bin to get it. Or she could just put a note on, please drop food deliveries in here. Outside the house.

9:56Anna Williamson:But do it as a bin just to prove a point. Although I still maintain does the neighbour know that they're going to her first? I don't know if they've clarified that. Surely they have because they've put in someone else's address. They've put it in her address because they know theirs doesn't show. Because theirs doesn't come up. Oh, so they, right, fine. Well, then that is fucking rude. If they have done that, then yeah. I think you're right. I think do a, just say please don't, I think put a note saying please don't knock. I put baby sleep in, please don't knock. Please put food in the bin. Or just a box.

10:28Or leave food here. Like a recycling box.

10:30Anna Williamson:Yeah, that is rude. Go on, Bex, what are you thinking? I was going to say, don't you need like a delivery code, but. No. But do you know what? That is rude because where we are at the moment in the rental, it's because it was a new conversion. Like it used to be a chapel and now it's a house. So it doesn't list on some of the delivery sites, you know, very easily. So some particularly Amazon, our Amazon parcels were going to the next door house. And, you know, we know when they go, oh, it's been delivered. You go, well, bloody well, hasn't it? Do you not know where is it? Looking around everywhere.

10:57Anna Williamson:So I noticed that they'd been going next door. But you say it's just common. And then my neighbour, Blessa, was coming around, who I don't know. I now know her. she's lovely to drop them off to me. But it wasn't until I said, I'm so sorry. And then I did, it is a faff. I did go into Amazon and say, I'm sorry, you're going to have to really not do this. Because it's really, she was very sweet about it. But it is like annoying for her. I would definitely put a sign up, baby sleeping, please put food in the box. It's also annoying because like, if you know your address doesn't come up and it's being sent to another address, why don't you put in the delivery notes, we actually live around the door.

11:29Anna Williamson:Exactly. Or at least have a common decent to knock on the door to your mates and say, can we put a note on your door? saying any delivery for this, send around to there. I mean, they must be so fat. How many food deliveries are they ordering? There's a lot of food deliveries. But I get the annoying. I get the annoying. I need to stop ordering food to start cooking. Because I used to live in a flat that was like in a house of five flats. Yeah. And sometimes they just dinged the first one, which was me. So I'd be constantly coming to the door for people that wasn't my delivery. And it was so irritating.

11:59Anna Williamson:And they even lived there. That is annoying. I think it's bad manners. And I'm with Lou. I think you just have to write a note saying, please don't knock baby sleeping. Yeah, put food here. Or leave food on doorstep. Like when you're in Dubai, you can opt to just leave on the doorstep. I would do that. Yeah, just don't even need a bin, right? Just put a note, baby sleeping, please leave food delivery on doorstep. Let it all gather on your doorstep and then they can come in and then your door's not ringing. And if it hasn't been collected by the next day, chuck it in the bin. Yeah. That's what I would do.

12:31Anna Williamson:Next up, VoiceNet round from Anonymous. so M-Hainus. M-A-ness. M-A-ness. You'll get it, it's M-H-ness. Anyway. Okay, right, right, here we go. Right. This is a rant about Marks and Spencer's very middle class of me. This experience happened to me yesterday. I'm still not over it. Where better way to share it than the Luanna pod? What in the actual futuristic fuck are they intending to do to us with their new self-service checkouts? I don't mind the ones in the food court. That's absolutely fine. Don't have time to wait for Mary to do her weekly shop. I just want a punnet of grapes. Do you know what I mean?

13:05Anna Williamson:Happy to serve myself. But for the rest of the shop now, there is some sort of futuristic experience whereby you walk in with your arms full of fucking knitwear and you're greeted by one human who says hello and then fucks off and left to fend for yourself. Oh, let me just scan all of these items. Let me just make sure I've removed the security tags. Then I have to take them off the fucking hanners, fold them all nicely, get myself a bag. at least I don't get that stupid question do you want a bag? Of course I fucking want a bag how the fuck do you think I'm going to carry these home? Anyway, then I have to do all of that work myself where's my fucking staff discount, Marks and Spencers?

13:42Anna Williamson:When did I become an employee? Do I work for you now? I have had no induction, and then I have to pay, and then walk out, I'm fucking sweating now, I'm fucking overwhelmed and I'm sweating, like, I'm your customer, and yet I've just worked for you, I've just worked for you like sorry this needs to be spoken about I think I might escalate to the government it is true you do end up doing their job Zara do that now Zara do it yeah and you just think well paying premium prices not getting premiums well right we've got a message from a nun now so Carmen Filmy brilliant hey girls I'd like to stand on give me whatever name tickles your fancy I adore the pod and you make the week so much better thank you I've got a question and I'd love your advice I've just started seeing someone and it's going really well because i'm a nosy bitch i'm itching to know what his body count is i don't know whether i should ask him or just leave it because it'll probably just make me jealous do you girls know your partners or does your partner know yours help a girl out thank you girls i don't know and he doesn't know same i think sometimes you just need to leave i think it's quite um immature yeah this whole body count like how many people have had sex with Alex and I once I don't even know to be quite honest with you I wouldn't be able to tell you some people I don't even remember remember that guy when he came up to me in the street I don't fucking recognise him at all apparently I chugged him but Alex and I once have joked with each other about and he was like I don't want to think about you having sex with anyone else and I was like no neither do I but who do you think has slept with more people out of our couples yeah or me I think it's me oh no 100 % no really she is a flirt what about you Bex definitely Bex you or Alex probably me yeah so basically we're all slags and Emma's not I'm an angel you're an angel but I don't I don't want to but also I think there has to be a bit of respect about past lives like I think you know it's good let's just say I'm oh no that's too much I'm crossing a line in my marriage.

15:55Anna Williamson:We don't talk too much about it. Let's just say... Yeah? My husband clearly has some good lovers. Because he's a good shark. He's great. You're grateful. They taught him well. You're grateful to whoever educated Alex in the sex. On the sex? That is true. Yeah, I'm okay with it. Well, great. Okay, time for Oana. It's a rate my fart. Oh. So we've called you Stephen the Twins. Stephen the Twins. Stephen the Twins. No. Stephen the Twins. Because Stephen the Twins is like a colloquialism for Steve and the Twins. Oh, Steve and the Twins, the cock and the bull. Oh, cock and the bulls. So my buddy loves sending me his farts on a weekly basis.

16:42I was hoping you could rate his fart. He seems to have superpowers.

16:46Anna Williamson:Right, hang on, right, listen to this. It's too good to miss. da da da da da da

16:54that's an echo in the bowl

17:07Anna Williamson:oh mate there was too much information in there oh mate no no one needed that last two seconds there was some liquid in there oh my god you did a diarrhoea we just heard that was too much now I know we love Rate My Fart on the podcast no we've gone too low that was too fucking much that was low we've just heard someone diarrhoea in a toilet that's not normal what other podcast no we've reached a new low now we've just aired diarrhoea I just was quite I hadn't listened to that end bit I just saw heard the first bit that sounded like which was strong and then I thought that is long and strong. I'll play that for the girls that didn't know that there was the water at the end.

17:55Anna Williamson:Disgusting. I do apologise. I would say for Rate My Fart. That's so icky actually. Why is he sending that to Isipal? I was really looking forward to my jacket potato and I've been put right off my nice lunch. No, no, you'd be fine. But I would like to Rate The Fart. I'd say it was a very strong nine and a half. We could have just done without the last two seconds. And we'd also like to yeah, apologise to everybody, the degradation that we've now reached. Right, shit gift from Anonymous, so starry anus. Anus. Star anus. Hi Luanamo, I love the pod and all that jazz. When I was 18 I'd been with my boyfriend for two years.

18:33Anna Williamson:For Christmas I was expecting an iPad. Big gift. Nice, yeah. Instead he bought Instead he bought me an apple pie. Apple pie? Not just an apple pie Sorry, just an apple pie. Not even a nice one. A one pound one from Tesco. It wasn't even the finest one, girls. Because apparently I mentioned I liked apple pie once. I was mortified and my family found it hilarious. And I was the butt of the jokes all day. Even when we were playing the game, when you write a celebrity down on a post-it and stick it on your head.

19:07Anna Williamson:I got Mr. Kipley.

19:12Anna Williamson:I can't say family banter is strong in this country and I love it. 14 years later though, I'm now married with a baby. Not with him, obviously. Oh my God, that's Mr Kipling. To be expecting an iPad and then getting an apple pie. One part of an apple pie. That's like when I got the doorstop. Right, I've never told anyone this but, hey ladies, love the pod. My wife got me into it and I've now got some of the lads at work listening too. Anyway, here's my confession. 24 years ago, when my son was six, he brought me a birthday present with his own little money. It was a mug, and on it was a sloth, a big, smiling, branch-hanging sloth.