TOTALLY EXTRA: Celeb Snogs, Palazzo Pants & a Toothbrush up the Pooper

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luana and this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants and general explicit content. But guys, you're here and you know you love it. Welcome to Thursday. Welcome to Luana Totally Extra. I'm the Lu Meister.

0:20Anna Williamson:I'm the A-Dog and every Thursday we'll be bringing you extra rants, extra chat, extra confessions. You missed. Yeah, I haven't finished off this bit. Wait, wait, wait. Confessions Extra Stories Extra You, ably steered by producer extraordinaire Imogen Rose Leticia Austin Hart. Yeah, but what's your nickname? What are you calling yourself? Minj. Minj. My name is Minj. Lou Meister, A-Dog and Minj. Minj. Minj. Minj. I smell... Like Minj. Like Minj. Right, so let's see what Minj... I look like Minj. Minj. I talk. Like minge. A flap. Like minge. That was repulsively real. Any Pornhub this week, Lee?

1:08Anna Williamson:No, I'm locked out of that shit now. Me too. I'm a Sahara. I've been and gone now. Sahara. Right, let's muff hunt in. Let's do a message. Let's do what Jill's saying. Go on, Jill. She says, dear Lou Animo, Jill the physio here from Australia again. G'day, Jill. Hi, Jill. My last story was the kid who said... I just say, you just know you're in for a good extra when you start like this. The kid who set fire to his farts and burnt out his arsehole. We're in strong, Lifanians, we're in strong. After listening to one of your extra-mint-heavy podcasts, I have the absolute perfect job for you ladies.

1:46Anna Williamson:A poo donor. I've heard of this. I have not, and I want to know about it. I've heard of this. There is a procedure called a fecal microbiota transfer, where someone with poor gut bacteria gets given healthy poo via poo pills, which is someone else's poo in a capsule to add to required healthy bacteria. Grim. Unfortunately. You've got to eat someone else's shit. Reminds me, I meant to bring my placenta pills to give you. I'll do it next time. I don't want them. You've got to have them. Unfortunately, the capsule is clear with brown stuff inside. It is like me doing a shit, putting a bit in a capsule, literally like that, and you swallowing it.

2:28Anna Williamson:Not even disguised by a more subtle outer coating. You'd at least want a nice sort of smarty coating, wouldn't you? Or like a little, yeah, something. Not clear. Not clear, babes. The best news is that you can... Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Yeah. The best news is that you can get paid up to£200 per poo. I'm in. No shit, ladies. I think there are some strict diet conditions that need to be followed by the donor. I'm fine with that. But if you've got a healthy poo regime, I have, my stools are actually really healthy. They stink. They can't be healthy when they smell that bad. Most of them are good.

3:04Anna Williamson:My shit actually, my fart smell. My poo doesn't smell babes. My poo is, I have had excellent poos. Well, I could get my mother in here right now who every week when we record, when you shit in her toilet and she knows the days we record, she has to light all the candles she even has to light the oil-burny wax melt things because she says that every time you shit and it fucking stings it does smell like a lush shop shall we get her in because your shit does stink doesn't it we don't need to get her in I would then like to say on recording days I have a lot of coffee and probably do defecate quite repulsively in Japanese too but on the whole whole I am okay however for 200 pounds I'd follow that diet I'm there for it so anyway you've got to have a healthy poo regime you could put regular work on the back burner and literally earn a shit load of money by shitting, perfect bit dog breath for the for the recipient imagine having to swallow someone else's shit I'd do it if my gut bacteria was terrible and someone actually could legitimately say that this is going to help me would you?

4:09Anna Williamson:I'd eat your poo if it was healthy I'd never eat your shit, darling yeah you would you probably have you have eaten my shit particles I've definitely eaten your shit particles you've definitely eaten mine yeah we have had a lot of fecal matter in our mouths of each other. Right. Fart from a non. Some of you, Ims. Don't know what you're shouting about. From one shitty story. Sorry. Imo, the biggest offender in the car. Do you remember when I was sick? The Chernobyl fart. When we had to pull over. When were we going? To Cardiff or Bristol or somewhere? Don't say your shit don't stink, Imo. We all smelt it.

4:38We literally had to pull over and I puked. It was one time, guys. One time. I don't know what had been going on with you, but it was vile. It smelled like someone had jizzed up your arse. It was a Chernobyl fart. Yeah, that stinks. When there's like jizz up the bum and then you fart, they're like the worst smelling ones.

4:56Anna Williamson:Yeah. Emma wouldn't know about that. Neither would I. I don't do bad people. I don't know about that. Anyway, more fart chat. Here we go. If you weren't hoping for fart chat today, guys, or wanting it, possibly go and listen to someone else's podcast. This is really gross. It's really bad. Right, Gerald. One day after eating Chinese food, I felt a little greasy. Oh no, gassy. Gassy. That's the worst offender, actually, for farts. It's because they put in the MSG. Terrible. Anyway, I thought it would be funny to record a fart and randomly send it to someone. So I sent one to my buddy Ox, the world's most obnoxious contractor, the man who drew a cock and balls all over the interior of my bathroom wall when he remodelled it.

5:38He didn't respond to my fart text. But the next morning, he sent me this. What? and he continues to send loud, long arse farts on a weekly basis. Hang on a minute, so they're communicating by fart.

5:52Anna Williamson:Just by fart. Here we go. That's it.

5:58Oh, it's in the toilet bowl.

6:12oh what a good one I would say he hit a perfect middle c with that that was like that someone can put that to a b

6:22Anna Williamson:you know what I love about that halfway through you hear him going like bracing himself with the breath You know what that says to me? He has stylised and choreographed the amount of pressure. He's done that in the bowl. He's exerting. Can I say well done that man? You can hear how happy he is at the end there with his achievement. He's buzzing. I mean, Only Farts. We need to bring it back. I bet there is a website called Only Farts. There is. I brought it into the pod once. My mate Ash has told me about it. It's called Only Farts. You can only put farts on it. Isn't it a what-fart group? Yeah, but it's got thousands of people in it.

6:54Anna Williamson:How do we get in it? I think I'm in it. What? Oh, yeah, I think he added me into it. Right, we've got a petty polynex from a nonce who called you. Come on, Irene. Oi, oi. Oh, no, it's Eileen. Sorry, not Irene. Hello, ladies. Please give me the granny name of Irene. I have a story that I've only ever told one person, but it gave me such joy I have to share it with the Luanna clan. Around 10 years ago, me and my ex broke up. He left in a dickish way, gave me numerous excuses, such as it was because he didn't want children, and he didn't want to get married, even though he's married now, the mug.

7:27I found out he cheated from beginning to end of our five-year relationship. Of course, he moved on to someone very quickly, who, in fact, he'd slept with while we were together. But he kept messaging me, so I thought I wanted to mess with him like he did me. He was always attempting to be a bit kinky, but more vanilla kink, like a spank on my arse, which was the good stuff. And I can tell you, it was not so while in this relationship. One day he was trying to dirty message me and I thought I would take my moment. I told him to put his girlfriend's toothbrush up his arse, take a picture and send it to me.

8:04And the little cretin did, which is when I screenshotted it, this was on Snapchat, he could see that I had. I told him to stop contacting me or I will send the picture to all his rugby friends and the current girlfriend along with all the messages he sent me. And let's just say he hasn't contacted me since. It still makes me giggle to this day, thinking of him putting that toothbrush, pulling that toothbrush out his arsehole, hanging his head in shame, and also her brushing her teeth that night, wondering where that slight smell of shit is coming from. Thanks for the pod. Keeps me sane. Peace out.

8:38Anna Williamson:Gutted. The next up, voice note rant from Adam. Hi, the one I'm out. I was the guy who wrote in about his f***ing neighbours regarding the high hedge. Oh, yes. It is yet to be cut down, but I prevail. Louisa, you will understand me on this one. I drive 15-metre-long coaches. Driving quite people with high notoriety, celebrities, premiership league football teams and stuff like that about. Give us some stories. That's besides the point. If you're driving a large vehicle on the road, why does every car seem to think they are going to win against my 15-metre, 4-metre-tall, 35-ton coach in their Nissan Micra?

9:37I will smash you off the road if I have to, but yes. Hi, my name's Adam, and I just need to get that out there. from cheshire you are so well and to add to this in case anyone from my work is listening to this i am a very safe driver um and i don't smash old grinders off the road in their nissab micro or some bit um i don't know i just water off the duck's back back it up that's what I keep on saying at the end of the day you're not fucking moving down that motorway if I'm blocking the road what are you going to do? I'm a safe driver promise bye back it up Adam Adam second voice note full of regret yeah shit I get that it fucks me off when I'm in the horse lorry and also people always try and like nip in front of you and it's really fucking dangerous.

10:42So dangerous.

10:43Anna Williamson:It's like you're going to get, as you say, a 30-ton truck up your ass, dude. Let's not do that. Message from Leanne and Emma. Hello, my lovely ladies. I'm emailing you with this story because of two reasons, really. One, if you actually read it out, I think my wife would be the happiest person alive. Aw, cute. But two, because thanks to your pod, we got a wonderful gift we never thought we would get. My wife, Leanne, and I have a beautiful son called Ezra. He is seven, yeah, and has autism. Part of his autism is that he is non-verbal and he goes to a special school. His school is a 70-mile round trip for my wife, Wowsers, to drive every day.

11:20Anna Williamson:So to keep herself sane, she listens to your pod. So, of course, Ezra listens along too. Last week, his teacher told Leanne that Ezra keeps saying something with a tune. But we cannot work it out. This is actually going to probably make me cry. So on the way home, Leanne tried to find out what it was, asking, did Ezra say words? To which Ezra loudly shouted, Widow of the Week! In the little jingle. So thank you, ladies. Ezra is just as much of a fan as his mummy. And we got our first words. His first words. Oh, it's the Widow of the Week. Our jingle. Thank you from his other mummy and Leanne's wife, Emma.

11:58Anna Williamson:Oh, and Imo, we love you too. He's seven. And his first words were, He's the Widow of the Week. Do you know what? Ezra, that's so cute. That has really, really made our day. It's not easy having children who are neurodivergent. We need to make up more jingles for Ezra. We do. We were just like, and well done parenting as well. That's a long round trip. And Ezra, we love you. Ezra, if you're listening now, we want you to say, are you ready? Three, two, one. It's the widow of the wihika. It's actually not, guys. What else could Ezra say? Oh, Luana and everything. EverythingLuana.com. Tell you what, here's the challenge for you, Ezra.

12:38Anna Williamson:If you can learn our email address and our WhatsApp number, we will use it on Luana the podcast. Well, no, but it's a challenge. If you can do that, we'll use it on the podcast. Yeah. Good boy. That's lovely, that. Oh, so cute. Really cute. We've got a message from Hayley next. Morning, girls. I've just been watching the new Bonnie Blue documentary. Oh, I'm assuming that's Monday. on, I swear to God that it's Imogen Rose Hart doing the voice over. It says it's Victoria Silver, but I'm convinced. I'm convinced that it's a mo. Have a listen and compare the voices. They are very, very similar. Really?

13:22Apparently so. Can we have that comparison in by? We can. Could you prepare the comparison? Oh, yeah. Okay. I don't know what part it is. Go on.

13:30Anna Williamson:Let's have a listen. Of She's Prepped It, Herbert. Six months ago, I began to make a film about Bonnie Blue. Okay, actually, that is a dead ringer, actually. Six months ago, I began to write something about Bonnie Blue. Yeah. I can hear the likeness, actually. That is a likeness. You should actually do voice. Because you also are Miss Rabbit from Peppa Pig. I think you're actually, you're sitting on a fortune there with that voice box of yours. I might be, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you should do it. Thanks, Hayley. Right, we've got a voice note now from Anon. So, Dina. I'm just listening to today's podcast about Boris, RIP Boris.

14:09I know an award-winning barley runner duck man. He's just won the Nuntowich Agricultural Show for his eggs. He would absolutely be more than happy for you to have more Boris eggs if you would like them. Let me know. I'm going to send you a picture of his eggs just to make sure I've got his egg, but also the ducks as well, just so you can make sure that it is the same sort as Boris. But yeah, he is very big on his barleys.

14:41Anna Williamson:Oh, thanks, Dina. This is good, Lou. This is healing. That picture there is his actual duck from his actual one-winning eggs. Let me know. I'm sure we can get it sorted. Yes. Show us, show us. Oh, oh, oh, we've just got a picture sent through. I do want some of his eggs. Right, she's got Boris ducks, guys. How do I get some of the eggs? Oh, but they've cracked it open. Oh. Well, that was for the show, wasn't it? Oh. Well, they should have hatched them. Well, that's a very nice offer, isn't it? To get a Boris Mark II. I would like to have a Boris egg, please. Six of them. What would you call, like, another pack?

15:24I have got mini Boris. Have you? Yeah, because we had some more ducklings and then we released them onto the lake yesterday and there's a mini Boris. What are you going to call it? Mini Bojo? It's called mini Boris. Mini Boris. Aw.

15:37Anna Williamson:Boris, that's so kind. He lives in me. Remember him? He's back alive. Our new feature is we're gagging for it. Yes. And a couple of weeks ago, we asked you for your celeb snogs. So let's see what we got. And we joked at the time, there's always Dean Gaffney. Always Dean Gaffney. Lee Ryan from Blue comes up a lot. So, yeah, let's see what you've got. We throw it over to you guys on our Instagram. Go on to everything Luanna Instagram. Classic. What? Classic. So we've got here Stephen Mulhern's nephew. Bit of a stretch. He called me a T-Rex because I had an underbite at the time. Imagine that. That's so mean.

16:22Anna Williamson:Oh, my God. I just bit my cheek trying to do an impression of them. Oh, my God, these are brilliant. So we've also got our classic Peter Andre. This one has absolutely got me. So Laura has said that she has snogged Carl Robinson. Isn't that from Neighbours? No, that's Paul Robinson. Who's Carl Robinson? Carl Robinson. He's a Welsh footballer. Oh, all right. That wasn't so exciting. Darren Day, Lee from 9-1-1. I want to have a read. I want to see. I want to fight. The drummer from Noah and the Whale. Oh, Jade Goody, On the Cheek at Shepherd's Bush Walkabout. She's not quite that Scotty. Here we go.

17:04Anna Williamson:Dolly Parton. What? Someone snogged Dolly Parton. Oh, this is a belter. Pat Sharp. Remember Pat Sharp from Funhouse? No. Funhouse is the... Oh, and you're all so young. Show your age. That is. Claire from Steps. Oh, no, sorry. Claire from Steps, P.T.

17:23Anna Williamson:That is a very tenuous link. Now, this is an interesting one. Stephanie says, my husband. Who is her husband that's famous? Don't know. I got it right. Lee from Blue. In a nightclub in Kent. Brilliant. There we go. James Corden. Oh. Not me, look. Yeah, my friend snogged Peter Crouch. There you go. I'll start it there, Lou, and off you go down there. Peter Crouch. Yeah. I still need a little step ladder to get up to old Peter. This person says the guy on the go outdoors poster. Tenuous. Julie and Clary. Julie and Clary. Do you know what I would love if suddenly one of you and my names popped up on here?

18:03Anna Williamson:I would love it if our name popped up on this. I've snogged a lot of people. I'm sure you have. Yeah. Yeah, we snogged a lot of people. Someone from Love Island in a kebab shop snuck his finger up my bum. Unwelcomed. Oh. Oh. Oh. Right. We love that. So good. Someone from the Traitors. Brilliant. I love that show. Where is the celeb one of that coming out? I think soon. Autumn time. It must be. That's like a winter watch, isn't it? When you're all cold and cosy. Yeah. Can't wait for that, actually. I can't wait. Here we go. To get to the Maldives in Dubai at winter. Bye, bitches. I'm out. She's out of here.

18:43I'm leaving on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again. I don't know if I just did that.

18:50Anna Williamson:You're going to be soaking it up. And I was talking to my friend, my other friend Lou, I've got another friend called Lou, yesterday. No, you're only allowed one? Only allowed one. Yeah, that's right. She's L-O-U. She needs to be out. She's outed. We were like, literally, the both of us. There was a little bite in the air yesterday, I thought, of autumn. And I went straight away, you know me, I'm cosy jumpers, fire, glass of red. Oh, you know, I just love my little cosy winters. I love it. I love it. I've never told anyone this, but here we go. First up, anonymous, so Noreen. Noreen. Hi, Luanna and Imo.

19:19Anna Williamson:Please keep me anonymous and I'll let Imo choose my name. I've listened to that since the Loose Lips days back in the day. And I love the pod. Thanks, babes. Cheers me up while I'm trying to parent my 15 year old son on my own. Definitely not a job for the faint hearted. Goes back to last Monday's chat. Took a break a couple of months ago. Oh, bless you, darling. I lost my dad. But I finally started back listening last week. Sorry about your loss, darling. Listening to a confession about a girl who did a fake immigration letter to her friend and thought of a confession I thought was shared that I would never told anyone.

19:51Anna Williamson:I was 13 at the time. Bear in mind, this was 34 years ago. My parents and my younger brother had gone to our local town shopping. So I decided to cycle to my friend's house, which was about five minutes away. I was about halfway there when I fell off my bike. Hurt my arm. I was a bit emotional and crying. Snivelling, I managed to push my bike down to my friend's house and knocked on the door. When our mum came to the door, she asked if it was okay. You know, and all I can remember is snivelling that I wanted my dad. This was obviously before mobiles, so I had to get in contact with my parents.

20:21Anna Williamson:I knew what shop they were going to, so my friend's mum called and explained what happened. The shop then said over the tannoy, would the parents of X please come to the desk? There has been an accident. Well, you could only imagine my parents' worry, and they rushed home to get me. When they arrived at my friend's house, her mum said she thought I had been knocked over by a car. I wasn't really paying any attention at the time as I was in so much pain and crying my eyes out, plus I really couldn't remember what happened. Fast forward to a trip to hospital where my dad told the doctors that he thought I'd been knocked off my bike by a car.

20:53Anna Williamson:The doctor sent me off for an x-ray and said they'd contact the police. I'd been given pain relief. It's like a hit and run. Isn't it, Charles? I mean, it's all going all over the plot. They're putting a flipping ding-dong message out in the middle of Tesco. I was trying to remember if I had been knocked off but I still couldn't think straight but was a bit worried when the police were mentioned. Turned out I had dislocated my wrist and was rushed in for emergency surgery to put it back in place. and I spent two days in hospital. During my stay, the staff was so good and kept saying how the driver was awful for leaving me.