TOTALLY EXTRA: Dignitas, Cross Dressing & Fanny Feast

0:00Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast.

0:24Anna Williamson:An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may apply. this is a global player original podcast be warned it's luana and this podcast contains honest upfront opinions rants bants and general explicit content but you're here and you know you bloody love it you bloody love it you bitches how are you gang good we are still in the car we're in the fun bus of love it's thursday and of course this is the one a totally extra it's pissing down as we drive along the M1. Yeah. And so if you can hear some extra noise, that is why. We, as you'll know, on Monday, we recorded our very first ever podcast from the car, from the fun bus as part of our Luanna road trip.

1:11Anna Williamson:So we thought we'd just give you a little bit of extra with our extra rep, right? Again in the car. Yeah, yeah. And the weather is filthy. It's disgusting. Your mother's backside is filthy. Absolute filth. it's we've got social media manager Bex how you are everyone looks a little tired now yeah I'm tired well done you've graduated for two days now she's trying to get a mic every week no Imogen Rose Austin Letizia Hart how art thou other way round other way round it'll do yeah I'm I'm well I'm tired are you threadbare we're all a bit we are heading now to our final destination on our third day but listen you can follow all that and listen to more Guff You might have heard more guff on Tuesday and Wednesday this week.

1:57We've got more guff coming tomorrow on Friday, which means this week we have brought you five days of Luanna and you can also catch up on all of the guff on our YouTube channel. Make sure that you are subscribed over there, Everything Luanna on YouTube. Right, shall we muff him in to this extra episode? Let's do it.

2:17Anna Williamson:And talking of guff, yeah, there's been a hell of a lot of guff in this car. I think, Lou, we need a proper valet of this fun bus. The smells in this car are going to be ingrained. I mean, I know we invented hoff-woff, but the hoff-woff, the boff-woff, the poff-woff, it's all in here. This is car boff. Right. Misheard lyrics from Emma. Oh, I love this one. Right, here we go. Misheard lyrics, Emma. Ladies, hello. I've tried to get a story on the pod a few times, but I've failed. Sorry about that. Sorry, Emma. But I'm blaming her. But I'm hoping my mum's misheard lyric pulls it out of the bag. Let's dive in.

2:48Anna Williamson:It has. Congratulations, Emma. Picture this, she says. It's the smoking 80s. A dodgy pub full of dodgy people. Hairstyles and shoulder pads. My mum, just a wee teen, is necking her camparing in lemonade. Puffing on a silk cut when her eyes land on her crush. She's with her mates. So needs to play this cool. Hair is solid, high and slightly flammable. Blue mascara on point. She's ready. This is her moment to shine. The blue mascara and the silk cut. The silk sluts. Do you remember those? Then out of nowhere, a banger of a tune. blast through the speakers. She gets up and starts channeling her inner Debbie Harry, thinking, I'm killing this.

3:25Anna Williamson:Blondie has nothing on me. Yes, girl. Everyone's gawking at her. Wow, she thought. I have a hidden talent. And she's sure she's about to bag this bloke. After, she struts past him to reapply her Rimmel shimmer lipstick and gives him a cheeky wink. In her head, she's already planning the wedding and which of her mates will be her bridesmaids. but her dream life comes to an abrupt end when her best mate pipes up. The lyrics are call me. Call me. Not corned beef. Corned beef. So there's my mum trying to pull the lad by belting out corned beef like she's trying to chat him up in a butcher shop. I swear poor woman was one lyric away from a lifetime of regret.

4:11Anna Williamson:Love you loads, Emma from Cheshire. Corned beef. It's fair. Brilliant. It's fair. Poor Debbie. Well done. You finally made the pod. Thank you, Emma. We've got a rant from Natalie next. She says, hi, Luanimo. Love you guys and all that jazz. I have a mini rant for you. One thing that pisses me off is when I'm at the supermarket doing the big food shop. I have two boys who like to snack, so the trolley is always brimming. I get to the checkout and start unloading, and the amount of people who put the belt divider on and start unloading their own shopping drives me insane. Do you see my trolley? Do you see how much shopping I have?

4:46Do you not realise that I need this whole conveyor belt? One guy did it to me last week, and I slammed a packet of ham down in frustration. And he realised the error of his ways and said, oh, sorry, do you need more space? Yes, yes, I do, you moron. Just wait two fucking minutes until I'm finished unloading, and then you can start to put your shopping on. I'm sick of playing Jenga with my shopping because of impatient morons. Love you guys. Someone's farted. Someone's farted. Anna. Oh no, Anna, this is too much now. It's too much. Oh, fuck. Fuck off.

5:21Anna Williamson:Message from Kim. Hi, girlies. Imo's just gone. Imo's dead. Hi, girlies. I just saw an advert for a pet crematorium called Dignity. It's not funny. Imo's gone. I've got a headache. We're all tired and hilarious. I just saw an advert for a pet crematorium called Dignity in our area of Basingstoke and it reminded me of a funny story on the day my darling little Jack Russell Millie died. Now you're probably thinking I'm some kind of sadist finding anything funny on the worst day of my life, but bear with, I know everyone says their dog is the best dog ever and this is true for my Millie. so much so that on the day she died my dad and two of my sisters and brother-in-law were there with me singing it's all about mills to the mcfly song tune it's all about mills as the evil vets killed her with their big needles oh descriptive babes anyway a little later on that afternoon my younger sister lauren said she sorry i'm still laughing at the fart uh younger sister lauren said she wanted to be the one to arrange her cremation as i was in no fit state to do anything really she went into the other room to make the call and came back in whilst on the phone asking what the pet crematorium was called she had only

6:48Anna Williamson:she'd only called dignitas in switzerland the assisted dying clinic and was confused as to why they knew nothing about her sister's dead dog it brought some much-needed laughter that day and anytime i find my mind drifting to that awful day i think of this and it makes me smile i hope you in the Lufanians find it funny as we did Kim oh that is funny Dignitas hello Dignitas oh very good sorry about your dog though right we've got a message from man fan Daniel in Hull says hi Luanimo love the pod and all that shiz man fan here don't keep me in on as I need to tell this story to everyone all right I'm Daniel let me take you back to my teens I was 17 I was young and I hadn't had any sexual experiences with a woman before.

7:33I was dating this girl who after the third date, she gave me sexual vibes. Me picking up on these vibes was like, oh my God, tonight's the night. So me being the respectable guy that I am, I trimmed, showered and took her for dinner. Then after dinner, we headed back to hers to get down to business. There was a lot of kissing to begin with. And a lot of over-clothing rubbing. Do you remember that dry hump in when you got your clothes on? That's it. And you were like, are they big or not? I don't know. Yeah, through the clothes. I was very, very nervous, so I struggled to get going, but I did get there.

8:13We stripped off. I whipped her bra off with one hand. That was very good. And I was so pleased with myself. And I thought, oh, this isn't so hard. She's kissing my neck. And she whispered ever so softly in my ear, eat me out. I was a bit taken aback. And suddenly the nerves hit again. I'd like to mention at this point in my life I'd never eaten a minge before and I was worried I'd get it wrong well I did get it very very wrong I shuffle down the end of the bed her hand on the back of my head pushing me downwards towards a thing I'd never had any experience with before and I get there, her flaps staring me in the face and then I go in less than a minute and I hear oh what the fuck are you doing why the fuck are you peeling me like an orange What?

9:00I'd like to mention again. I had no fucking idea what I was doing. And I thought in my head you had to peel back the flaps to get to the good bit. What? So I stuck my finger in and just pulled apart what I thought was the Amazon parcel. I wanted to get the item inside as quickly as possible. To say instant boner killer. It's like he's digging a hole. I left very swiftly. Never tear from her again. two weeks later I came out as gay and she is now a lesbian good job I'm now celebrating my two year anniversary with my husband safe to say you can't go wrong with a penis no way you're standing I love you guys so much and thought this would be the perfect opportunity to give you a giggle like you do to me every day on my journey to work you just peeled those flaps back like it was unwrapping an Amazon parcel that's it

9:49Anna Williamson:that's it oh it's a good job thank god you're now yeah I was going to say excellent excellent swerve there matey thank you for that Right, next on the Petty Polly from Anonymous, so Lola. Hi, ladies. Love the part and all that jazz. Long-time listener, first-time petty participant. You can call me Lola after my lovely daughter. Anyway, I've got a Petty Polly for you that only hit me mid-act, and I thought, yep, this is some Luana-worthy next-level pettiness. So, my darling boyfriend has had this cute little habit of undressing and leaving his clothes everywhere. Very annoying. Awful, every night, all down his side of the bed.

10:24Anna Williamson:Actually, my husband's a bit guilty of this sometimes. Socks, pants, T-shirts. Is he? Yeah, he sort of drops it where he gets into bed. Drop, get in. In the bed. Yeah, and I'm like, no. You pop it over there on the, yeah. Socks, pants, T-shirts, you name it. Just tossed it to the floor like some sort of laundry graveyard. Now, don't worry, Louisa. I am no enabler. I do not pick them up. Good girl. I just let that heap grow. It's basically a fabric compost bin at this point. But here's where the petty kicks in. I've started clipping my fingernails and toenails exclusively over his side of the bed.

10:57Anna Williamson:Yep, right over Mount Laundry. There is nothing more satisfying than the idea of him stepping on a rogue toenail like it's Lego from hell or putting on a t-shirt and getting a surprise exfoliation down the back. And it gets better. You know who else has nails? Our baby. And guess where I clip hers? That's right. I've started clipping our four-month-old daughter's tiny razor-sharp baby talons over there too. We're a tag team now. Generational pettiness. Generational pettiness. I'm here for that. Best part, we've got a thick pile rug. So those little landmines are basically invisible. It's subtle.

11:32Anna Williamson:It's evil. It's deeply, deeply satisfying. He'll never see it coming. But I know. And I sleep like a smug little trimmed toenail goblin because of it. I love this. Do you know what? I've got a... Mount Laundry. Mount Laundry. I've got another hack for exactly the same issue, actually. What is that? I just call it the scoop and chuck. Okay. Okay, so whenever I find the little pile of pants, socks, sort of tracksuit bottoms, whatever's been left in that, I will then, it's not enabling, but I just think, where can I really hit you in the ghoulies where you can't say anything back? I scoop, I open up his wardrobe, and I just chuck it.

12:05Anna Williamson:I chuck it straight in. Because when he goes in to obviously get something, he's like, what is this sort of, and he won't say anything. But he does it many times. Yeah, he ties it up. You've done the scoop and chuck. Scoop it. I don't want to see it in my face, Lou. That's quite clever. Scoop and chuck. You open his wardrobe side and you chuck it. And then it's all crumpled. Or dirty or whatever he needs to do with it. But he has to deal with it out of my sight. But if he puts it in the laundry bin and you go to do the washing, then you would wash it. Yeah, I would. But at least he's then done it.

12:33Anna Williamson:Yeah, but you've got to put it in the laundry bin first. Exactly. But that's the mild inconvenience that teaches him to put it in there himself. The scoop and chuck. The scoop and chuck. You've had it on me, everyone. We've got a message from a non-neck. So, Phil McCracken. Love that. Great. Did you do that one? No, sadly not. Oh, here you go. I need some advice, please. Call me Phil McCracken. Done. My husband and I have been married for eight years. Before we got married, he didn't want any children, but moved to saying he'd have one. I thought I wanted two, but it was a me or two children situation, so I chose him.

13:07Now we have a beautiful daughter who's seven, who's my entire world. I unashamedly love being a mum, but I want more. My husband would not budge. We've talked for years about more, but due to ill health, it was taken off the table for a few years.

13:23Anna Williamson:Oh, that's awful. Now it's pretty much back in and I can't get him to change his mind. It's the only thing pretty much that we argue about, but we just cannot see eye to eye on this one. We've agreed to sit down at the end of the year and have one final conversation. But how do I persuade him? I can't. He has to be happy too. but then how do I navigate life knowing it wasn't the one I'd planned although I do it wasn't the one I'd planned although one that I do love have you got any advice please that's tricky I think this is really tricky because you went into this quite open yeah like quite black and white actually with him saying no an issue and then kind of him giving in almost and saying okay I'll have one and you know he has stuck to his end of the agreement I think you haven't and yeah I don't know you can't force him you can't it has to come as a team it's it's not I appreciate the disappointment and I think that's very valid and you're allowed to feel disappointed but equally you it's we all know we've got we talk about it enough you know it's a lifelong commitment having a child and I think to do it unwillingly is just really really wrong definitely and I'll be honest with you I've got a friend of mine that really wanted to have another child she had a couple or another child and her husband didn't want another child I made it perfectly clear she was a little bit naughty and oops I got pregnant again and I mean fortunately for her it is fine but he he doesn't know that it was an oops yeah um but I do know that it you know it It really wasn't all the hearts and flowers because I think then there was a little bit of guilt.

15:04Anna Williamson:Well, you feel bad resentment and back into a corner. Yeah, and I mean, it's fine, but I think you have to really respect his wishes as much as him respecting yours. But I think when it comes to creating a life, you've really got to be aligned on wanting it for actually to press go on it is my thought. And also, from like his perspective, and obviously not yours because you want another one, a seven-year age gap, which will become eight years when you, if you were to have another one, is a huge age gap. That is like starting a family all over again. Oh, it is, yeah. And you're back to nappies, you're back to that no sleep, you're back to, you know, bending down, having to chase after a baby.

15:44I mean, she says here, we get that you love being a mum

15:47Anna Williamson:and that's wonderful, but to Lou's point, I think the compromise started with him going from none to one. Exactly, and you settled for that and, you know, harsh as it may sound, that was your agreement and so I think look the good thing is is that you have said you've agreed to have another conversation about it so I think have that really open conversation I don't know how you persuade him can I get your input on something so I watched a TikTok the other day yeah on a very similar situation yeah and the two discussing it had like quite a different view from you guys sexual couple heterosexual couple yeah and they were saying how um you will never well i don't know about whether this was true but they said like you will never regret a child like you will always love that child if it comes along like you will never regret having that child you would never want to put them back but you might regret not having that child i mean that's quite a bold opinion i know and i was thinking about that and i was like i get that to some extent like especially if you're a certain person if you have another child because you're debating having a another and you've already got children if you have that child obviously you will love that child because it's your child not obviously not not obviously if you don't have that child the constant hangover of like what if if i hadn't had this child i disagree with that i do as well actually you can't give them back and a lot of people i know regret having that extra one and they're like god if i hadn't have had my life would have looked like but do they still love that well you still love them but not you know that you still have that well no actually well then almost some people do i mean i guess someone that had a third with quite a big age gap like this and it's not been flowers and roses and it's fucking hard especially if um as you get older like you know that child then may come with additional needs yeah as you age well i think this is it i think it's the gamble i mean are we i guess are we talking what context within a loving couple or so within a loving couple within like a loving couple within a loving couple um i think it's really tricky and i do respect that opinion but i to lose point i do also know people um not necessarily personally but professionally just in the work i do that that have really regretted having children they never admit it to the child they don't love the child or in some cases the child has actually not had a very happy life because they've always felt their parents really didn't want i mean i know someone that has um that is a nanny um to two children and the parents actively they're very very wealthy and the parents not me by the way no no no but the parent no no i mean you love your kids but she says it's actually it's really heartbreaking she said the parents had the children they realized they actually didn't really want children the children are solely brought up by the nannies in the house all weekend she said these kids are so miserable because and she's and they said they got awful manners they're just miserable their parents genuinely don't care they've got a lot of money they've lived their own life the kids are just ping-ponged around by two nannies who quite honestly don't really like the kids either because they say the kids and i think so i think there are situations where it's extreme i think probably on the majority yes most people would have a child and would love it and go actually do you know what i do love the child i don't think it's worth the risk it's a risk it's a risk and i don't i think it could tear your relationship apart and you have to think of the child you have to think of the child why should you get what you want yes and him not get what he one yes you know why should you want like get what you want you can't have a child that then also possibly has a parent who isn't that invested in them that also just creates problems well it creates broken homes and favoritism and favoritism and it could drive your relationship apart but we could end up being a single mom to two kids we all know of people historically i think just through just anecdotally that feel that you know yeah they actually they never really wanted me i was the mistake kid or whatever and have felt that impact I think, look, it's very, very personal, but I do think you have to be aligned for the sake of the child more than anything else.

20:04And if it goes to the choice of not having the child, I think you have to do the work to really accept that and be happy with it.

20:11Anna Williamson:And maybe find other ways of fulfilling that gap. Get a horse. Yeah, you joke, but getting a puppy, getting a horse actively, maybe even going on, my cousin, for example, works with children in Uganda. You know, find other ways to fill perhaps that maternal itch where you can give something to other children. Good luck. I would love to know how this conversation goes. It's a great topic. Please update us because we'd love to know. Yeah, I feel quite strongly about not having a child if you're not in for it. You could start fostering. Mind you, if he doesn't want a baby, he's not going to want a...

20:44Anna Williamson:No, but she might be able to help out. There's lots of other ways possibly. Good luck, lovely. Right, funny name from Bex. Hi, Luanamo. got a great unfortunate surname for you. I live in Brighton and sometimes visit the local Stanmer Park with my dog. There's a gorgeous little church there surrounded by some extremely old looking gravestones and etched into them is a little gem. Please see picture. All I can say is thank goodness they didn't add her surname to the stone as well. Love you guys and can't wait for each ep. Please say hi to my friend Ali who listens regularly to Bex from Brighton.

21:17Anna Williamson:So in, there's a gravestone in memory of Fanny beloved wife of Frank Frank Feast Frank Feast so her name was Fanny Feast that is quite possibly the best name I've ever heard can you imagine her funeral Fanny Feast fell asleep on April the something 1950 something so Fanny Feast that is a belter rest in peace Fanny Feast right we've got a Would you rather now? From Dominique. She says, hey, Luanna, a little would you rather. Would you rather popcorn bits in your teeth forever or wear wet socks forever? From Dominique in Oxford, who remains under size. Neither, really, babes. Well, yeah, but the whole point is that you've got to pick one.

22:10Well, I'll get cold feet. I'd have to go popcorn, so I'd get cold feet. Popcorn in my teeth.

22:16Anna Williamson:Ims? Yeah. So we're all popcorn. Well, I guess. You'd get used to it. That's what we'd rather, Dominique. Sorry. Go on. So there's a would you rather that has been going around the internet recently. For some people it's less of an issue than others, but the would you rather is would you rather give up kissing forever or rather give up condiments forever? Rather give up. Condiments. Kissing. I'd give up kissing. I'd give up kissing. I don't need a kiss. Yeah, we all need a condiment. I mean, if I can't live without mayo. or a sriracha mayo. Oh, I like a sriracha mayo. But then to do the old sexy time without a bit of kissing can be a bit one-bound thank you man.

22:59Breath. Yeah, I'm happy. Do you know what? Is there an option to just ditch that anyway?

23:08That's evil. He can't hear. Oh, isn't he? Oh, he's so cute. You alright, driver Al? All good. Did you hear her? No. Good. but I'll listen to it on the pod when it comes out yeah really well babe I'll catch you in the back catalogue you will right we've got time for some confessions next

23:28Anna Williamson:I've never told anyone this but right first of all hi ladies I'm a guy in my late 30s who somehow ended up as a regular listener to your pod love that probably not your usual demograph if you look have you met Gary from the road trip I mean there we are but I kept seeing some of your reels popping up on my Facebook and got hooked well done social media manager Bex good job Bex Your salary is more than worth it, clearly. I've got a bit of a confession, but a bit of background first. I can't exactly remember why I started, but ever since I was a teenager, I have dabbled in a bit of cross-dressing.

24:01Anna Williamson:To begin with, I used to wear ladies' tights. I vividly remember the anxiety slash fear of going to the supermarket and picking a pair of tights off the shelf and going to the till to pay, looking around thinking everyone was looking at me, knowing what I was up to. Then over the years that followed, I expanded into trying other items of women's clothing. Skirts, dresses, high heels. Thank God the internet became a thing to buy some size 10 stilettos. Oh, there's some big stilettos. I have amassed a mini wardrobe of clothes over the years, hidden away in a suitcase in the loft where hopefully my wife will never find them.

24:33Anna Williamson:I even have a wig, albeit a cheap fancy dress, pink bob. I love that for you. I'm sure if anyone saw me, they would have a laugh as I am, as I am, be very convincing, can be very convincing and probably look a bit silly but i've never tried to pretend to be a real girl myself i just have a bit of a real girl a bit of a dressing up now and again and my legs do look good in a pair of tights and heels even if i do say so myself often men's legs do actually funnily enough i am your typical masculine guy 99 of the time this is what they all say guys but every now and again i can't help but to slip into a pair of nylons and a mini dress this is king.

25:11Anna Williamson:Yeah, though that has become a less frequent occurrence since being married. Even though my wife would probably kill me if she found out, I don't think it really hurts anyone. Anyway, before the real confession, the real confession, oh wow. Oh god, I thought that was the confession. Before I was married and when I was living on my own and in my late twenties, one night I'd been out with a group of mates for a few drinks, well, a lot to drink, to some local bars before ending up in a club. And while we were out, we ended up meeting up with some other lads who were mates of a mate. And somehow, I ended up agreeing to let one of them called Tom stay in my spare room for the night as he wasn't that local and was getting some stick of his girlfriend for staring out late or something.

25:45Anna Williamson:Now, back then, after a night out drinking... Who's farted? Louisa. Oh, she's dished it. Just? She's dished it. Had a huge rant. She's dished it. What the... I've got you all back. To be fair, I can't smell it. It was time for payback. Right now, I can't smell it. And that's what I've done. So if you don't like it, you shouldn't do it to me. You're a little petty pony. Whoever smelt it, dealt it. Whoever did the rhyme. That was in my... Anyway, back then, after a night out drinking, that was usually prime time for me to end up in women's clothes. And once I had shown Tom to his room for the night, I wasn't going to miss out on the opportunity, despite how late it was by now, probably 3am.

26:19Anna Williamson:So it's 3am? He's like pissed and he's in his... He's tanked up. I wonder if he has a wank while he's wearing it. Well, let's find out. It's kink, isn't it? I mean, I'm going to predict this one. Tom walks in on him, having a Tommy. And then, that's what I think. I think he's going to shag Tom. Do you reckon? Here we go then. Buckle up, peeps. I got dressed up into my usual slutty outfit. It was a slight little college year. and by now I was starting to feel really drunk and I really needed to get a glass of water from downstairs. Instead of taking the sensible decision of quickly getting changed, I just decided to put a dressing gown over my outfit and go downstairs to get a drink, reasoning that Tom would be asleep by now anyway.

26:53Anna Williamson:It shows how clearly I was thinking because as I was tottering down the stairs in high heels, wow, with clattering, which would have been clearly visible, as with the nylons below the bottom of my dressing gown, let alone the fact I don't know how I didn't break my neck walking drunkenly down the stairs in heels, I somehow made it downstairs in one piece and got a glass of water and sat on the sofa for a minute to have a drink. I really was feeling particularly drunk now and tired. Next thing I know, oh no, next thing I know, I'm being woken up by a loud laugh as I'd only drifted off to sleep on the sofa and Tom had come down and found me in all my glory.